(3) Voltaire, Candide. a. Text. Translation in the pubic d

(3) Voltaire, Candide.
a. Text. Translation in the pubic domain.
VOLTAIRE
Candide; or Optimism
translated from the German of DoctorRalph
with the additions which were found in the Doctor=s pocket
when he died at Minden[footnoteRef:1] in the Year of our Lord
1759 [1: Candide appeared anonymously through two editions.
ADr [email protected], the imaginary author, evidently died at a
battle occuring during the campaign of Westphalia, in the
course of which Cunégonde was raped and the castle of
Candide=s protector, the Baron of Thunder-ten-tronckh, was
sacked and destroyed. The [email protected] refer to a long
passage in chapter 22 added to the second edition and omitted
here. ]
[An anonymous translation, edited and adapted by A.C. Kibel]
Chapter 1 - How Candide Was Brought Up in a Magnificent
Castle and How He Was Driven Out of It
In the country of Westphalia, in the castle of the most noble
Baron of Thunder-ten-tronckh, lived a youth whom Nature had
endowed with a most sweet disposition. His face was the true
index of his mind. He had a solid judgment joined to the most
unaffected simplicity; and hence, I presume, he had his name of
Candide. The old servants of the house suspected him to have
been the son of the Baron's sister, by a
very good sort of a gentleman of the neighborhood, whom that
young lady refused to marry, because he could produce no more
than seventy-one quarterings[footnoteRef:2] in his arms; the
rest of the genealogical tree belonging to the family having
been lost through the injuries of time. [2: A measure of the

length of one=s geneological treeBan uninterupted line of
aristocratic ancestors, in this case, stretching back more than
two thousand years. ]
The Baron was one of the most powerful lords in Westphalia,
for his castle had not only a gate, but even windows, and his
great hall was hung with tapestry. He used to hunt with his
mastiffs and spaniels instead of greyhounds; his groom served
him for huntsman; and the parson of the parish officiated as his
grand almoner. He was called AMy [email protected] by all his
people, who laughed at all his jokes.
My Lady Baroness, who weighed three hundred and fifty
pounds, consequently was a person of no small consideration;
and then she did the honors of the house with a dignity that
commanded universal respect. Her daughter was about
seventeen years of age, fresh-colored, comely, plump, and
desirable. The Baron's son, her brother, seemed to be a youth in
every respect worthy of the father he sprung from. Pangloss, the
tutor, was the oracle of the family, and little Candide listened to
his instructions with all the simplicity natural to his age and
disposition.
Master Pangloss taught metaphysico-theologico-
cosmolooneyology. He could prove to admiration that there is
no effect without a cause; and, that in this best of all possible
worlds, the Baron's castle was the most magnificent of all
castles, and My Lady the best of all possible baronesses.
AIt is demonstrable,@ said he, Athat things cannot be otherwise
than as they are; for as all things have been created for some
end, they must necessarily be created for the best end. Observe,
for instance, the nose is formed for spectacles, therefore we
wear spectacles. The legs are visibly designed for trousers,
accordingly we wear trousers. It is the nature of stones made to
be hewn and made into castles, therefore
My Lord has a magnificent castle; for the greatest baron in the
province ought to be the best lodged. Pigs were intended to be
eaten, therefore we eat pork all the year round: and they, who

assert that everything is right, do not express themselves
correctly; they should say that everything is [email protected]
Candide listened attentively and believed implicitly, for he
thought Miss Cunégonde excessively handsome, though he
never had the courage to tell her so. He concluded that next to
the happiness of being Baron of Thunder-ten-tronckh, the next
was that of being Miss Cunégonde, the next that of seeing her
every day, and the last that of hearing the doctrine of Master
Pangloss, the greatest philosopher of the whole province, and
consequently of the whole world.
One day when Cunégonde went to take a walk in a little
neighboring wood which was called a park, she saw, through the
bushes, the sage Doctor Pangloss giving a lecture in
experimental philosophy to her mother's chambermaid, a pretty
brunette, and very obedient. As Cunégonde had a great
disposition for the sciences, she observed with the utmost
attention the experiments which were repeated before her eyes;
she perfectly well understood the doctor=s sufficient reason and
the force of causes and effects. She retired greatly flurried,
quite pensive and filled with the desire of knowledge, imagining
that she might be a sufficient reason for young Candide, and he
for her.
On her way back she happened to meet the young man; she
blushed, he blushed also; she wished him a good morning in a
faltering tone, he returned the salute, without knowing what he
said. The next day, as they were rising from dinner, Cunégonde
and Candide slipped behind the screen. The miss dropped her
handkerchief, the young man picked it up. She innocently took
hold of his hand, and he as innocently kissed hers with a
warmth, a sensibility, a grace-all very particular; their lips met;
their eyes sparkled; their knees trembled; their hands strayed.
The Baron chanced to come by; he beheld the cause and effect,
and, without hesitation, saluted Candide with some notable
kicks on his backside and drove him out of doors. The lovely
Cunégonde fainted away, and, as soon as she came to herself,
the Baroness boxed her ears. Thus a general consternation was

spread over this most magnificent and most agreeable of all
possible castles.
Chapter 2 - What Befell Candide among the Bulgarians
Candide, thus driven out of this terrestrial paradise, rambled a
long time without knowing where he went; sometimes he raised
his eyes, all bedewed with tears, towards heaven, and sometimes
he cast a melancholy look towards the magni ficent castle, where
dwelt the fairest of young baronesses. He laid himself down to
sleep in a furrow, heartbroken, and supperless. The snow fell in
great flakes, and, in the morning when he awoke, he was almost
frozen to death; however, he made shift to crawl to the next
town, which was called Wald-berghoff-trarbkdikdorff, without a
penny in his pocket, and half dead with hunger and fatigue. He
took up his stand at the door of an inn. He had not been long
there before two men dressed in blue[footnoteRef:3] fixed their
eyes steadfastly upon him. [3: Candide is about to be recruited
into the Prussian army and do his bit in the Seven Years War
(1756-63) between the Prussians and the French, a conflict
which had the usual effects of warfare upon the countysides of
central Europe. The recruiting officers of Frederick the Great
wore blue uniforms and were feared in villages everywhere they
showed up. As for the remark about Candide=s size: Frederick
reputedly tried to have units of his armyBcompanies and
regimentsBcomposed of soldiers of roughly the same size in
order to produce an impression of uniformity when they were on
parade. ]
ALook,@ said one of them to the other, Athere=s a well-made
young man of the right [email protected] Upon which they came
up to Candide and with the greatest civility and politeness
invited him to dine with them.
AGentlemen,@ replied Candide, with a most engaging modesty,
you do me much honor, but upon my word I have no
[email protected]
AMoney, [email protected] said one of the blues to him, Ayoung
persons of your appearance and merit never pay anything; why,

are not you five feet five inches [email protected]
AYes, gentlemen, that is indeed my size,@ replied he, with a
low bow.
ACome then, sir, sit down along with us; we will not only pay
your reckoning, but will never suffer such a clever young fellow
as you to want money. Men were born to assist one
[email protected]
AYou are perfectly right, gentlemen,@ said Candide, Athis is
precisely the doctrine of Master
Pangloss; and I am convinced that everything is for the
[email protected]
His generous companions next entreated him to accept of two
crowns[footnoteRef:4], which he readily complied with, at the
same time offering them his note for the payment, which they
refused, and sat down to table. AHave you not a great affection
forCA [4: Presumably the fee paid to new recruits in
compensation for enlisting. ]
@O yes! I have a great affection for the lovely
Cuné[email protected]
AMaybe so,@ replied one of the blues, Abut that is not the
question! We were going to ask you whether you have a great
affection for the King of the [email protected]
AFor the King of the [email protected] said Candide. AOh,
Lord! not at all, why I never saw him in my [email protected]
AIs it possible? Oh, he is a most charming king! Come, we must
drink his [email protected] AWith all my heart, gentlemen,@
said Candide, and off he tossed his glass.
[email protected] cried the blues; Ayou are now the support, the
defender, the hero of the Bulgarians; your fortune is made; you
are in the high road to [email protected]
So saying, they handcuffed him, and carried him away to the
regiment. There he was made to wheel about to the right, to the
left, to draw his rammer, to return his rammer, to present, to
fire, to march, and they gave him thirty blows with a cane; the
next day he performed his exercise a little better, and they gave

him but twenty; the day following he came off with ten, and was
looked upon as a young fellow of surprising genius by all his
comrades.
Candide was struck with amazement, and could not for the soul
of him conceive how he came to be a hero. One fine spring
morning, he took it into his head to take a walk, and he marched
straight forward, conceiving it to be a privilege of the human
species, as well as of the brute creation, to make use of their
legs how and when they pleased. He had not gone above two
leagues when he was overtaken by four other heroes, six feet
high, who bound him neck and heels, and carried him to a
dungeon. A courtmartial sat upon him, and he was asked which
he liked better, to run the gauntlet six and thirty times through
the whole regiment, or to have his brains blown out with a
dozen musket-balls? In vain did he remonstrate to them that the
human will is free, and that he chose neither; they obliged him
to make a choice, and he determined, in virtue of that divine
gift called free will, to run the gauntlet six and thirty times.
He had gone through his discipline twice, and the regiment
being composed of 2,000 men, they composed for him exactly
4,000 strokes, which laid bare all his muscles and nerves from
the nape of his neck to his stern. As they were preparing to
make him set out the third time our young hero, unable to
support it any longer, begged as a favor that they would be so
obliging as to shoot him through the head; his request being
granted, a bandage was tied over his eyes, and he was made to
kneel down.
At that very instant, His Bulgarian Majesty happening to pass
by made a stop, and inquired into the delinquent's crime, and
being a prince of great penetration, he found, from what he
heard of Candide, that he was a young metaphysician, entirely
ignorant of the physical world; and therefore, out of his great
clemency, he condescended to pardon him, for which his name
will be celebrated in every newspaper in every age. A skillful
surgeon made a cure of the flagellated Candide in three weeks
by means of emollient unguents prescribed by

Dioscorides[footnoteRef:5]. His sores were now scabbed over
and he was able to march, when the King of the Bulgarians gave
battle to the King of the Abares[footnoteRef:6]. [5: A treatise
on medical remedies dating from the first centuryBnot exactly
the most up-todate in Voltaire=s day. A hit in the spirit of the
Enlightenment upon veneration for antiquated texts. ] [6: The
Abares, as opponents of the Prussians, represent the French. ]
Chapter 3 - How Candide Escaped from the Bulgarians and
What Befell Him Afterward
Never was anything so gallant, so well accoutered, so brilliant,
and so finely disposed as the two armies. The trumpets, fifes,
oboes, drums, and cannon made such harmony as never was
heard in Hell itself. The entertainment began by a discharge of
cannon, which, in the twinkling of an eye, laid flat about 6,000
men on each side. The musket bullets swept away, out of the
best of all possible worlds, nine or ten thousand scoundrels that
were cluttering its surface. The bayonet was next the sufficient
reason of the deaths of several thousands. The sum of casualites
might amount to thirty thousand souls. Candide trembled like a
philosopher, and concealed himself as well as he could during
this heroic butchery.
At length, while the two kings were causing Te
Deums[footnoteRef:7] to be sung in their camps, Candide took a
resolution to go and reason somewhere else upon causes and
effects. After passing over heaps of dead or dying men, the first
place he came to was a neighboring village, in the Abarian
territories, which had been burned to the ground by the
Bulgarians, agreeably to the laws of war. Here lay a number of
old men covered with wounds, who beheld their wives dying
with their throats cut and hugging their children to their breasts,
all stained with blood. There several young virgins, whose
bodies had been ripped open after they had satisfied the natural
necessities of the Bulgarian heroes, breathed their last; while
others, half-burned in the flames, begged to be dispatched out
of the world. The ground about them was covered with the

brains, arms, and legs of the dead. [7: A prayer of
thanksgiving for victory, here sung by both sides. ]
Candide made all the haste he could to another village, which
belonged to the Bulgarians, and there he found the heroic
Abares had enacted the same tragedy. Thence continui ng to
walk over twitching limbs or through ruined buildings, at length
he got beyond the theater of war, with a little food in his
backpack and Cunégonde's image in his heart. When he arrived
in Holland his food ran out, but having heard that the
inhabitants of that country were all rich and Christians, he was
sure that he would be treated by them as he had been at the
Baron's castle before he had been driven thence through the
power of Cunégonde's bright eyes.
He asked charity of several grave-looking people, who one and
all answered him that if he continued to follow this trade they
would have him sent to the house of correction, where he should
be taught to get his bread. He next addressed himself to a
person who had just come from haranguing a numerous
assembly for a whole hour on the subject of charity. The orator,
squinting at him under his broad-brimmed hat, asked him
sternly, what brought him thither and whether he was for the
good old cause?
ASir,@ said Candide, in a submissive manner, AI conceive
there can be no effect without a cause; everything is necessarily
concatenated and arranged for the best. It was necessary that I
should be banished from the presence of Cunégonde; that I
should afterwards run the gauntlet; and it is necessary I should
beg my bread, till I am able to get it. All this could not have
been [email protected]
ATell me, friend,@ said the orator, Ado you hold the Pope to be
[email protected]
ATruly, I never thought about it,@ said Candide, Abut whether
he is or not, I am in want of something to [email protected]
AYou deserve neither food nor drink,@ replied the orator,
Apervert, monster! hence! avoid my sight, never come near me

again while you [email protected]
The orator's wife happened to put her head out of the window at
that instant, and seeing a man who doubted whether the Pope
was Antichrist, she discharged upon his head a full pisspot of
golden liquid.
Good heavens, to what excess does religious zeal transport
womankind!
A man who had never been christened, an honest Anabaptist
named Jacques, was witness to the cruel and ignominious
treatment showed to one of his brethren, to a rational featherless
biped[footnoteRef:8]. Moved with pity he carried him to his
house, caused him to be cleaned, gave him meat and drink, and
made him a present of two florins, at the same time proposing to
instruct him in his own trade of weaving Persian silks, which
are fabricated in Holland. [8: Plato=s definition of a human
being. ]
Candide, faced with so much goodness, threw himself at his
feet, crying, ANow I am convinced that my Master Pangloss
told me truth when he said that everything was for the best in
this world; for I am infinitely more affected with your
extraordinary generosity than with the inhumanity of that
gentleman in the black cloak and his [email protected]
Chapter 4 - How Candide Found His Old Master Pangloss Again
and What Happened to Him
The next day, as Candide was walking out, he met a beggar all
covered with scabs, his eyes sunk in his head, the end of his
nose eaten off, his mouth drawn on one side, his teeth as black
as a cloak, snuffling and coughing most violently, and every
time he attempted to spit out dropped a tooth.
Candide, divided between compassion and horror, but giving
way to the former, bestowed on this shocking figure the two
florins which the honest Anabaptist Jacques, had just before
given to him. The specter looked at him very earnestly, shed
tears and threw his arms about his neck. Candide started back
aghast.

[email protected] said the one wretch to the other, Adon't you
know dear [email protected]
AWhat do I hear? Is it you, my dear master! you I behold in this
piteous plight? What dreadful misfortune has befallen you?
What has made you leave the most magnificent and delightful of
all castles?
What has become of Miss Cunégonde, the mirror of young
ladies, and Nature's [email protected]
AI am [email protected] said Pangloss, upon which Candide
instantly led him to the Anabaptist's stable, and procured him
something to eat. As soon as Pangloss tasted a morsel, Candide
began to repeat his inquiries concerning Cunégonde.
ADead,@ replied the other.
[email protected] cried Candide, and immediately fainted; his
friend restored him by the help of a little bad vinegar, which he
found by chance in the stable.
Candide opened his eyes, and again repeated: ADead! is
Cunégonde dead? Ah, where is the best of worlds now? But of
what illness did she die? Was it of grief on seeing her father
kick me out of his magnificent [email protected]
ANo,@ replied Pangloss, Aher body was ripped open by the
Bulgarian soldiers, after they had raped her as many times as a
girl could survive; they knocked out the brains of the Baron, her
father, for attempting to defend her; My Lady, her mother, was
cut in pieces; my poor pupil was served just in the same manner
as his sister[footnoteRef:9]; and as for the castle, they have not
left one stone upon another; they have destroyed all the ducks,
and sheep, the barns, and the trees; but we have had our
satisfaction, for the Abares have done the very same thing in a
neighboring barony, which belonged to a Bulgarian
[email protected] [9: Voltaire apparently accepted the baseless
calumny about Bulgarians common in his day, that they
practiced [email protected] word deriving ultimately from the
word Bulgar. ]
At hearing this, Candide fainted away a second time, but, not

withstanding, having come to himself again, he said all that it
became him to say; he inquired into the cause and effect, as
well as into the sufficient reason that had reduced Pangloss to
so miserable a condition.
AAlas,@ replied the tutor, Ait was love; love, the comfort of
the human species; love, the preserver of the universe; the soul
of all sensible beings; love! tender [email protected]
AAlas,@ cried Candide, AI have had some knowledge of love
myself, this sovereign of hearts, this soul of souls. It never
caused any more effect on me than one kiss and twenty kicks on
the backside. How could this beautiful cause produce in you so
hideous an [email protected] Pangloss made answer in these
terms:
AO my dear Candide, you must remember Daisy, that pretty
wench, who waited on our noble Baroness; in her arms I tasted
the pleasures of Paradise, which produced these Hellish
torments with which you see me devoured. She was infected
with an ailment, and perhaps has since died of it; she received
this present of a learned Franciscan, who troubled to derive its
source and learned that he was indebted for it to an old
countess, who had it of a captain of horse, who had it of a
marquise, who had it of a page, the page had it of a Jesuit, who,
during his novitiate, had it in a direct line from one of the
fellow adventurers of
Christopher Columbus; for my part I shall give it to nobody, I
am a dying [email protected]
AO sage Pangloss,@ cried Candide, Awhat a strange genealogy
is this! Is not the devil the root of [email protected]
ANot at all,@ replied the great man, Ait was a thing
unavoidable, a necessary ingredient in the best of worlds; for if
Columbus, on an island in America, had not caught this disease,
which contaminates the source of generation, frequently
impedes propagation itself, and is evidently opposed to the
great end of nature, we should have had neither chocolate nor
cochineal dyes. We may observe that, even to the present time,
in this continent of ours, this malady, like our religious

controversies, is peculiar to ourselves, and that the Turks, the
Indians, the Persians, the Chinese, the Siamese, and the
Japanese are entirely unacquainted with it; but there i s a
sufficient reason for them to know it in a few centuries. In the
meantime, it is making prodigious havoc among us, especially
in those armies composed of well disciplined hirelings who
determine the fate of nations; for we may safely affirm, that,
when an army of thirty thousand men engages another equal in
size, there are about twenty thousand infected with syphilis on
each [email protected]
AVery surprising, indeed,@ said Candide, Abut you must get
[email protected]
ALord help me, how can [email protected] said Pangloss. AMy
dear friend, I have not a penny in the world; and you cannot be
bled or get an enema without [email protected]
This last speech had its effect on Candide; he flew to the
charitable Anabaptist, Jacques; he flung himself at his feet, and
gave him so striking a picture of the miserable condition of his
friend that the good man without any further hesitation agreed
to take Dr. Pangloss into his house, and to pay for his cure. The
cure was effected with only the loss of one eye and an ear. As
Pangloss wrote a good hand and understood accounts tolerably
well, the Anabaptist made him his bookkeeper. At the expiration
of two months, being obliged by some mercantile affairs to go
to Lisbon he took the two philosophers with him in the same
ship; Pangloss, during the course of the voyage, explained to
him how everything was so constituted that it could not be
better. Jacques did not quite agree with him on this point.
AIn some things,@ he said, Amen must have deviated from
their original innocence; for they were not born wolves and yet
they worry one another like beasts of prey. God never gave
them twenty-four pounders nor bayonets and yet they have made
both to destroy one another. To this account I might add not
only bankruptcies but also the law, which seizes on the effects
of bankrupts to cheat the [email protected]
AAll this was indispensably necessary,@ replied the one-eyed

doctor, Afor private misfortunes make for public benefits; so
that the more private misfortunes there are, the greater is the
general [email protected]
While he was arguing in this manner, the sky was overcast, the
winds blew from the four quarters of the compass, and the ship
was assailed by a most terrible tempest, within sight of the port
of Lisbon.
Chapter 5 - A Tempest, a Shipwreck, an Earthquake, and What
Else Befell Dr. Pangloss, Candide, and Jacques, the Anabaptist
One half of the passengers, weakened and half-dead with the
inconceivable anxiety and sickness which the rolling of a vessel
at sea occasions through the whole human frame, were lost to
all sense of the danger that surrounded them. The others made
loud outcries or betook themselves to their prayers; the sails
were blown into shreds and the masts were brought by the
board. The vessel was a total wreck. Everyone was busily
employed, but nobody could be either heard or obeyed. The
Anabaptist, being upon deck, lent a helping hand as well as the
rest, when a frantic sailor knocked him down speechless; but,
not withstanding, with the violence of the blow the tar himself
tumbled headfirst overboard and fell upon a piece of the broken
mast, which he immediately grasped.
Honest Jacques, forgetting the injury he had so lately received
from him, flew to his assistance, and, with great difficulty,
hauled him in again, but, not withstanding, in the attempt, was,
by a sudden jerk of the ship, thrown overboard himself, in sight
of the very fellow whom he had risked his life to save and who
took not the least notice of him in this distress. Candide, who
beheld all that passed and saw his benefactor one moment rising
above water and the next swallowed up by the merciless waves,
was preparing to jump after him, but was prevented by the
philosopher Pangloss, who demonstrated to him that the
roadstead of Lisbon had been made on purpose for the
Anabaptist to be drowned there. While he was proving his
argument a priori[footnoteRef:10], the ship foundered, and the
whole crew perished, except Pangloss, Candide, and the sailor

who had been the means of drowning the good Anabaptist. The
villain swam ashore; but Pangloss and Candide reached the land
upon a plank. [10: An a priori truth is a truth that is not
established on the basis of experience but is logically prior to
experience, because it is the kind of truth that must be assumed
(like rules of logic) if we are to be coherent in speaking about
anything at all. Truths arising from experience are termed a
posteriori truths. ]
As soon as they had recovered from their surprise and fatigue
they walked towards Lisbon; with what little money they had
left they thought to save themselves from starving after having
escaped drowning.
Scarcely had they ceased to lament the loss of their benefactor
and set foot in the city when they perceived that the earth
trembled under their feet, and the sea, swelling and foaming in
the harbor, began dashing in pieces the vessels that were riding
at anchor there. Large sheets of flames and cinders covered the
streets and public places; the houses tottered, and were tumbled
topsy-turvy even to their foundations, which were themselves
destroyed, and thirty thousand inhabitants of both sexes, young
and old, were buried beneath the ruins.
The sailor, whistling and swearing, cried, AFBk it, there's
something to be got [email protected] AWhat can be the
sufficient reason of this [email protected] said Pangloss.
AIt must be the Day of Judgment,@ said Candide.
The sailor, defying death in the pursuit of plunder, rushed into
the midst of the ruin, where he found some money, with which
he got drunk, and, after he had slept himself sober he purchased
the favors of the first good-natured wench that came in his way,
amidst the ruins of demolished houses and the groans of half-
buried and expiring persons.
Pangloss pulled him by the sleeve. AFriend,@ said he, Athis is
not right, you trespass against the universal reason, and have
mistaken your [email protected]
ADeath and God=s [email protected] answered the other, AI am

a sailor and was born at Batavia, and have trampled four times
upon the crucifix in as many voyages to Japan; you have come
to the wrong person with your universal [email protected]
In the meantime, Candide, who had been wounded by some
pieces of stone that fell from the houses, lay stretched in the
street, almost covered with rubbish.
AFor God's sake,@ said he to Pangloss, Aget me a little wine
and oil! I am [email protected]
AThis concussion of the earth is no new thing,@ said Pangloss,
Athe city of Lima in South America experienced the same last
year; the same cause, the same effects; there is certainly a train
of sulphur all the way underground from Lima to
[email protected]
ANothing is more probable,@ said Candide; Abut for the love
of God a little oil and [email protected]
[email protected] replied the philosopher, AI maintain that the
thing is [email protected]
Candide fainted away, and Pangloss fetched him some water
from a neighboring spring. The next day, in searching among
the ruins, they found some food with which they repaired their
exhausted strength. After this they assisted the inhabitants in
relieving the distressed and wounded. Some, whom they had
humanely assisted, gave them as good a dinner as could be
expected under such terrible circumstances. The repast, indeed,
was mournful, and the company moistened their bread with their
tears; but Pangloss endeavored to comfort them under this
affliction by affirming that things could not be otherwise that
they were.
AAll this,@ he said, Ais for the best end, for if there is a
volcano at Lisbon it cannot be elsewhere; and it is impossible
but things should be as they are, for everything is for the
[email protected]
By the side of the tutor sat a little man dressed in black, who
was one of the familiars[footnoteRef:11] of the Inquisition. This
person, provoking him with great politeness, said, APossibly,
my good sir, you do not believe in original sin; for, if

everything is best, there could have been no such thing as the
Fall or punishment of [email protected] [11: Undercover
agents engaged in ferreting out heretics; Pangloss is the victim
of a
spiritual [email protected] operation. ]
Your Excellency will pardon me,@ answered Pangloss, still
more politely; Afor the Fall of man and the curse consequent
thereupon necessarily entered into the system of the best of
[email protected]
AThat is as much as to say, sir,@ rejoined the familiar, Ayou do
not believe in free [email protected]
AYour Excellency will be so good as to excuse me,@ said
Pangloss, Afree will is consistent with absolute necessity; for it
was necessary we should be free, for in that the
[email protected]
Pangloss was in the midst of his proposition, when the familiar
beckoned to his attendant to help him to a glass of port wine.
Chapter 6 - How the Portuguese Made a Superb Auto-Da-Fé to
Prevent Any Future Earthquakes, and How
Candide Underwent Public Flagellation
After the earthquake, which had destroyed three-fourths of the
city of Lisbon, the sages of that country could think of no
means more effectual to preserve the kingdom from utter ruin
than to entertain the people with an auto-da-fé[footnoteRef:12],
it having been decided by the University of Coimbra, that the
burning of a few people alive by a slow fire, and with great
ceremony, is an infallible preventive of earthquakes. [12:
Literally an Aact of [email protected], involving public
confession, foregiveness, and often immolation by fire. ]
In consequence thereof they had seized on a Biscayan for
marrying his godmother, and on two Portuguese for taking out
the bacon of a fried chicken they were eating[footnoteRef:13];
after dinner they came and secured Dr. Pangloss, and his pupil
Candide, the one for speaking his mind, and the other for

seeming to approve what he had said. They were conducted to
separate cool apartments, remote from the glare of the sun.
Eight days afterwards they were each dressed in a san-benito,
and their heads were adorned with paper miters. The miter and
san-benito worn by Candide were painted with flames reversed
and with devils that had neither tails nor claws; but Dr.
Pangloss's devils had both tails and claws, and his flames were
upright. [13: Removing the bacon raised the suspicion that
they were Jews. ]
In these habits they marched in procession and heard a very
pathetic sermon, which was followed by an anthem accompanied
by bagpipes. Candide was flogged to some tune while the
anthem was being sung; the Biscayan and the two men who
would not eat bacon were burned, and Pangloss was hanged,
which is not a common custom at these solemnities. The same
day there was another earthquake, which made most dreadful
havoc.
Candide, amazed, terrified, confounded, astonished, all bloody,
and trembling from head to foot, said to himself, AIf this is the
best of all possible worlds, what are the others like? If I had
only been whipped, I could have put up with it, as I did among
the Bulgarians; but, not withstanding, oh my dear Pangloss! my
beloved master! oh greatest of philosophers! was it necessary
that I should live to see you hanged, without knowing the
reason? O my dear Anabaptist, best of men, was it necessary
that you should be drowned in the harbor? O Cunégonde, you
mirror of young ladies! was it ncessary that you should have
your belly ripped [email protected]
He was making the best of his way from the place where he had
been preached to, whipped, absolved and blessed, when he was
accosted by an old woman, who said to him, ATake courage,
child, and follow [email protected]
Chapter 7 - How the Old Woman Took Care Of Candide, and
How He Found the Object of His Love
Candide followed the old woman, though without taking

courage, to a decayed house, where she gave him a pot of
pomatum to anoint his sores, showed him a very neat bed with a
suit of clothes hanging by it; and set food and drink before him.
AThere,@ said she, Aeat, drink, and sleep, and may Our Lady
of Atocha, and the great St. Anthony of Padua, and the
illustrious St. James of Compostella, take you under their
protection. I shall be back [email protected]
Candide, struck with amazement at what he had seen, at what he
had suffered, and still more at the charity of the old woman,
would have shown his acknowledgment by kissing her hand.
AIt is not my hand you ought to kiss,@ said the old woman. AI
shall be back tomorrow. Anoint your back, eat, and take your
[email protected]
Candide, notwithstanding so many disasters, ate and slept. The
next morning, the old woman brought him his breakfast;
examined his back, and rubbed it herself with another ointment.
She returned at the proper time, and brought him his dinner; and
at night, she visited him again with his supper. The next day she
observed the same ceremonies.
AWho are [email protected] said Candide to her. AWho has
inspired you with so much goodness? What return can I make
you for this charitable [email protected]
The good old beldame kept a profound silence. In the evening
she returned, but without his supper.
ACome along with me,@ said she, Abut do not speak a
[email protected]
She took him by the arm, and walked with him about a quarter
of a mile into the country, till they came to a lonely house
surrounded with moats and gardens. The old conductress
knocked at a little door, which was immediately opened, and she
showed him up a pair of back stairs, into a small, but richly
furnished apartment. There she made him sit down on a
brocaded sofa, shut the door upon him, and left him. Candide
thought himself in a trance; he looked upon his whole life,
hitherto, as a frightful dream, and the present moment as a very
agreeable one.

The old woman soon returned, supporting, with great difficulty,
a young lady, who appeared scarce able to stand. She was of a
majestic appearance and stature, her dress was rich, and
glittering with diamonds, and her face was covered with a veil.
ATake off that veil,@ said the old woman to Candide.
The young man approached, and, with a trembling hand, took
off her veil. What a happy moment! What surprise! He thought
he beheld Cunégonde; he did behold herBit was she herself. His
strength failed him, he could not utter a word, he fell at her
feet. Cunégonde fainted upon the sofa. The old woman bedewed
them with spirits; they recovered; they began to speak. At first
they could express themselves only in broken accents; their
questions and answers were alternately interrupted with sighs,
tears, and exclamations. The old woman desired them to make
less noise, and after this prudent admonition left them together.
AGood [email protected] cried Candide, Ais it you? Is it
Cunégonde I behold, and alive? Do I find you again in Portugal?
then you have not been raped? they did not rip open your body,
as the philosopher
Pangloss informed [email protected]
AIndeed but they did,@ replied Cunégonde; Abut these two
accidents do not always prove [email protected]
ABut were your father and mother [email protected]
[email protected] answered she, Ait is but too [email protected]
and she wept.
AAnd your [email protected]
AAnd my brother [email protected]
AAnd how came you into Portugal? And how did you know of
my being here? And by what strange adventure did you contrive
to have me brought into this house? And [email protected]
@I will tell you all,@ replied the lady, Abut first you must
acquaint me with all that has befallen you since the innocent
kiss you gave me, and the rude kicking you received in
consequence of [email protected]
Candide, with the greatest submission, prepared to obey the
commands of his fair mistress; and though he was still filled

with amazement, though his voice was low and tremulous,
though his back pained him, yet he gave her a simple account of
everything that had befallen him since the moment of their
separation. Cunégonde, with her eyes uplifted to heaven, shed
tears when he related the death of the good Anabaptist, Jacques,
and of Pangloss; after which she related her adventures to
Candide, who lost not one syllable she uttered, and seemed to
devour her with his eyes all the time she was speaking.
Chapter 8 - Cunégonde's Story
I was in bed, and fast asleep, when it pleased Heaven to send
the Bulgarians to our delightful castle of Thunder-ten-tronckh,
where they murdered my father and brother, and cut my mother
in pieces. A tall Bulgarian soldier, six feet high, perceiving that
I had fainted away at this sight, attempted to rape me; the
operation brought me to my senses. I cried, I struggled, I bit, I
scratched, I would have torn the tall Bulgarian's eyes out, not
knowing that what was happening at my father's castle was
nothing out of the ordinary. The brutal soldier, enraged at my
resistance, gave me a wound in my left leg with his hanger, the
mark of which I still [email protected]
AI would really like to see it,@ said Candide, with all
imaginable simplicity. AYou shall,@ said Cunégonde, Abut let
me [email protected] APray do,@ replied Candide.
She continued. AA Bulgarian captain came in, and saw me
weltering in my blood, and the soldier still as busy as if no one
had been present. The officer, enraged that the fellow did not
come to attention, killed him with one stroke of his saber as he
lay upon me. This captain took care of me, had me cured, and
carried me as a prisoner of war to his quarters. I washed what
little linen he possessed, and cooked his food: he was very fond
of me, that was certain; neither can I deny that he was well
made, and had a soft white skin, but he was very stupid and
knew nothing of philosophy: it might plainly be perceived that
he had not been educated under Dr. Pangloss. In three months,
having gambled away all his money, and having grown tired of
me, he sold me to a Jew, named Don Issachar, who traded in

Holland and Portugal, and was passionately fond of women.
This Jew showed me great kindness, in hopes of gaining my
favors; but he never could prevail on me to yield. A modest
woman may have been raped; but her virtue is only greatly
strengthened by the experience. In order to make sure of me, he
brought me to this country house you now see. I had hitherto
believed that nothing could equal the beauty of the castle of
Thunder-ten-tronckh; but I found I was mistaken.
AThe Grand Inquisitor saw me one day at Mass, ogled me all
the time of service, and when it was over, sent a messenger to
let me know he wanted to speak with me about some private
business. I was conducted to his palace, where I told him all my
story; he represented to me how much it was beneath a person
of my birth to belong to someone who was circumcised. He
caused a proposal to be made to Don Issachar, that he should
resign me to His Lordship. Don Issachar, being the court banker
and a man of credit, was not easy to be prevailed upon. His
Lordship threatened him with an auto-da-fé and my Jew was
frightened into a compromise; it was agreed between them, that
the house and myself should belong to both in common; that the
Jew should have Monday, Wednesday, and the Sabbath to
himself; and the Inquisitor the other four days of the week. This
agreement has subsisted almost six months; but not without
several debates about whether the space from Saturday night to
Sunday morning belonged to the old or the new law. For my
part, I have hitherto withstood them both, and truly I believe
this is the very reason why they are both so fond of me.
AAt length to turn aside the scourge of earthquakes and to
intimidate Don Issachar, My Lord Inquisitor was pleased to
celebrate an auto-da-fé. He did me the honor to invite me to the
ceremony. I had a very good seat; and refreshments of all kinds
were offered the ladies between Mass and the execution. I was
dreadfully shocked at the burning of the two Jews, and the
honest Biscayan who married his godmother; but how great was
my surprise, my consternation, and concern, when I beheld a
figure so like Pangloss, dressed in a san-benito and miter! I

rubbed my eyes, I looked at him attentively. I saw him hanged
and I fainted away: scarce had I recovered my senses, when I
saw you stripped of clothing; this was the height of horror,
grief, and despair. I must confess to you for a truth, that your
skin is whiter and more blooming than that of the Bulgarian
captain. This spectacle worked me up to a pitch of distraction. I
screamed out and would have said, >Hold, barbarians!= but my
voice failed me; and indeed my cries would have signified
nothing. After you had been severely whipped, I said to myself,
>How is it possible that the lovely Candide and the wise
Pangloss should be at Lisbon, the one to receive a hundred
lashes, and the other to be hanged by order of My Lord
Inquisitor, of whom I am so great a favorite? Pangloss deceived
me most cruelly, in saying that everything is for the best.=
AThus agitated and perplexed, now distracted and lost, now half
dead with grief, I turned over in my mind the murder of my
father, mother, and brother, committed before my eyes; the
insolence of the rascally Bulgarian soldier; the wound he gave
me in the groin; my servitude; my being a cook-wench to my
Bulgarian captain; my subjection to Don Issachar, and my cruel
Inquisitor; the hanging of Doctor Pangloss; the miserere sung
while you were being whipped; and particularly the kiss I gave
you behind the screen, the last day I ever beheld you. I returned
thanks to God for having brought you to the place where I was,
after so many trials. I charged the old woman who attends me to
bring you here as soon as was convenient. She has punctually
executed my orders, and I now enjoy the inexpressible
satisfaction of seeing you, hearing you, and speaking to you.
But you must certainly be half-dead with hunger; I myself have
a great inclination to eat. Let us sit down to [email protected]
Upon this the two lovers immediately placed themselves at
table, and, after having supped, they returned to seat themselves
again on the magnificent sofa already mentioned, where they
were in amorous dalliance, when Senor Don Issachar, one of the
masters of the house, entered unexpectedly; it was the Sabbath
day, and he came to enjoy his privilege and sigh forth his

passion at the feet of the fair Cunégonde.
Chapter 9 - What Happened to Cunégonde, Candide, the Grand
Inquisitor, and the Jew
This same Issachar was the most choleric little Hebrew that had
ever been in Israel since the captivity of Babylon.
AWhat,@ said he, Ayou Galilean slut? The Inquisitor was not
enough for you, but this rascal must also come in for a
[email protected]
In uttering these words, he drew out a long dagger, which he
always carried about him, and never dreaming that his adversary
had any arms, he attacked him most furiously; but our honest
Westphalian had received from the old woman a handsome
sword with the suit of clothes. Candide drew his rapier, and
though he was very gentle and sweet-tempered, he laid the
Israelite dead on the floor at the fair Cunégonde's feet.
AHoly [email protected] cried she, Awhat will become of us? A
man killed in my apartment! If the peace-officers come, we are
[email protected]
AHad not Pangloss been hanged,@ replied Candide, Ahe would
have given us most excellent advice, in this emergency; for he
was a profound philosopher. But, since he is not here, let us
consult the old [email protected]
She was very sensible, and was beginning to give her advice,
when another door opened on a sudden. It was now one o'clock
in the morning, and of course the beginning of Sunday, which,
by agreement, fell to My Lord Inquisitor. Entering he
discovered the whipped Candide with his drawn sword in his
hand, a dead body stretched on the floor, Cunégonde frightened
out of her wits, and the old woman giving advice.
At that very moment, a sudden thought came into Candide's
head. AIf this holy man,@ thought he, Ashould call assistance, I
shall most undoubtedly be consigned to the flames, and
Cunégonde may perhaps meet with no better treatment: besides,
he was the cause of my being so cruelly whipped; he is my
rival; and as I have now begun to dip my hands in blood, I will
kill away, for there is no time to [email protected] This whole

train of reasoning was clear and instantaneous; so that, without
giving time to the
Inquisitor to recover from his surprise, he ran him through the
body, and laid him by the side of the Jew.
AYou=ve done it [email protected] cried Cunégonde. ANow
there can be no mercy for us, we are excommunicated; our last
hour is come. But how could you, who are of so mild a temper,
despatch a Jew and an Inquisitor in two minutes'
[email protected]
ABeautiful maiden,@ answered Candide, Awhen a man is in
love, is jealous, and has been flogged by the Inquisition, he is
not [email protected]
The old woman then put in her word:
AThere are three Andalusian horses in the stable, with as many
bridles and saddles; let the brave Candide get them ready.
Madam has a parcel of moidores and jewels, let us mount
immediately, though I have lost one buttock; let us set out for
Cadiz; it is the finest weather in the world, and there is great
pleasure in traveling in the cool of the [email protected]
Candide, without any further hesitation, saddled the three
horses; and Cunégonde, the old woman, and he, set out, and
traveled thirty miles without once halting. While they were
making the best of their way, the Holy Brotherhood entered the
house. My Lord, the Inquisitor, was interred in a magnificent
manner, and Master Issachar was thrown upon a dunghill.
Candide, Cunégonde, and the old woman, had by this time
reached the little town of Avacena in the midst of the mountains
of Sierra Morena and were engaged in the following
conversation in an inn, where they had taken up their quarters.
Chapter 10 - In What Distress Candide, Cunégonde, and the Old
Woman Arrive at Cadiz, and Of Their Embarkation
AWho could it be that has robbed me of my gold and
[email protected] exclaimed Cunégonde, all bathed in tears.
AHow shall we live? What shall we do? Where shall I find
Inquisitors and Jews who can give me [email protected]
[email protected] said the old woman, AI have a shrewd

suspicion of a reverend Franciscan father, who lay last night in
the same inn with us at Badajoz. God forbid I should condemn
any one wrongfully, but he came into our room twice, and he set
off in the morning long before [email protected]
[email protected] said Candide, APangloss has often
demonstrated to me that the goods of this world are common to
all men, and that everyone has an equal right to the enjoyment
of them; but, not withstanding, according to these principles,
the Franciscan ought to have left us enough to carry us to the
end of our journey. Have you nothing at all left, my dear
Cuné[email protected] ANot a maravedi,@ replied she.
AWhat is to be done [email protected] said Candide.
ASell one of the horses,@ replied the old woman. AI will get up
behind Miss Cunégonde, though I have only one buttock to ride
on, and we shall reach [email protected]
In the same inn there was a Benedictine friar, who bought the
horse very cheap. Candide,
Cunégonde, and the old woman, after passing through Lucina,
Chellas, and Letrixa, arrived at length at Cadiz. A fleet was
then getting ready, and troops were assembling in order to
reason with the reverend fathers, Jesuits of Paraguay, who were
accused of having excited one of the Indian tribes in the
neighborhood of the town of the Holy Sacrament, to revolt
against the Kings of Spain and Portugal[footnoteRef:14]. [14:
Voltaire has shifted dates and locations about but the resistance
of the Jesuits, like the two Lisbon earthquakes, were matters of
recent history. ]
Candide, having been in the Bulgarian service, performed the
military exercise of that nation before the general of this little
army with so intrepid an air, and with such agility and
expedition, that he received the command of an infantry
company. Being now made a captain, he embarked with
Cunégonde, the old woman, two valets, and the two Andalusian
horses, which had belonged to the Grand Inquisitor of Portugal.
During their voyage they occupied themselves with many

profound reasonings on poor Pangloss's philosophy.
AWe are now going into another world, and surely it must be
there that everything is for the best; for I must confess that we
have had some reason to complain of what passes in ours, both
in the physical and the moral part. Though I have a sincere love
for you,@ said Cunégonde, Ayet I still shudder at the reflection
of what I have seen and [email protected]
AAll will be well,@ replied Candide, Athe sea of this new
world is already better than our European seas: it is smoother,
and the winds blow more [email protected]
AGod grant it,@ said Cunégonde, Abut I have met with such
terrible treatment in this world that I have almost lost all hopes
of a better [email protected]
AWhat murmuring and complaining is here [email protected]
cried the old woman. AIf you had suffered half what I have,
there might be some reason for [email protected]
Cunégonde could scarce refrain from laughing at the good old
woman, and thought it droll enough to pretend to a greater share
of misfortunes than her own.
AAlas! my dear madam,@ said she, Aunless you had been raped
by two Bulgarians, received two deep wounds in your belly,
seen two of your own castles demolished, lost two fathers and
two mothers, seen both of them barbarously murdered before
your eyes, and had two lovers whipped at an auto-da-fé, I
cannot see how you could be more unfortunate than I. Add to
this, though born a baroness and bearing seventy-two
quarterings, I have been reduced to the station of a
[email protected]
AMiss,@ replied the old woman, Ayou do not know my family
as yet; but if I were to show you my behind, you would not talk
in this manner but suspend your [email protected] This speech
raised a high curiosity in Candide and Cunégonde; and the old
woman continued as follows.
Chapter 11 - The History of the Old Woman
I have not always been blear-eyed. My nose did not always
touch my chin; nor was I always a servant. You must know that

I am the daughter of Pope Urban X and of the Princess of
Palestrina. Until the age of fourteen I was brought up in a
castle, compared with which all the castles of the German
barons would not have been fit for stabling, and one of my
robes would have bought half the province of Westphalia. I
grew up, and improved in beauty, wit, and every graceful
accomplishment; and in the midst of pleasures, homage, and the
highest expectations. I already began to inspire men with love.
My breasts began to take form, and what breasts! white, firm,
and shaped like the boobs of the Venus de Medici; my eyebrows
were as black as jet, and as for my eyes, they darted flames and
eclipsed the luster of the stars, as I was told by the poets of our
part of the world. My maids, when they dressed and undressed
me, used to fall into an ecstasy in viewing me before and
behind; and all the men longed to be in their places.
AI was contracted in marriage to a sovereign prince of Massa
Carrara. Such a prince! as handsome as myself, sweet-tempered,
agreeable, witty, and head over heels in love with me. I loved
him, too, as our sex generally love for the first time, with
rapture, transport, and idolatry. The nuptials were prepared with
pomp and magnificence; the ceremony was attended with feasts,
carousals, and burlesques: all Italy composed sonnets in my
praise, though not one of them was tolerable. I was on the point
of reaching the summit of bliss, when an old marquise, who had
been mistress to the Prince, my husband, invited him to drink
chocolate. In less than two hours after he returned from the
visit, he died of most terrible convulsions. But this is a mere
trifle. My mother, distracted to the highest degree, and yet less
afflicted than I, determined to absent herself for some time from
so fatal a place. As she had a very fine estate in the
neighborhood of Gaeta, we embarked on board a galley, which
was gilded like the high altar of St. Peter's, at Rome. In our
passage we were boarded by a Moroccan rover. Our men
defended themselves like true soldiers of the Pope; they flung
themselves upon their knees, laid down their arms, and begged
the corsair to give them absolution at the point of death. The

Moors soon stripped us as bare as we were born. My mother, my
maids of honor, and myself, were served all in the same manner.
It is amazing how quick these gentry are at undressing people.
But what surprised me most was, that they made a rude sort of
surgical examination of parts of the body which are sacred to
the functions of nature. I thought it a very strange kind of
ceremony; for thus we are generally apt to judge of things when
we have not seen the world. I afterwards learned that it was to
discover if we had any diamonds concealed. This practice had
been established since time immemorial among those civilized
nations that scour the seas. I was informed that the religious
Knights of Malta never fail to make this search whenever any
Moors of either sex fall into their hands. It is a part of the law
of nations, from which they never deviate.
AI need not tell you how great a hardship it was for a young
princess and her mother to be made slaves and carried to
Morocco. You may easily imagine what we must have suffered
on board a corsair. My mother was still extremely handsome,
our maids of honor, and even our common waiting-women, had
more charms than were to be found in all Africa. As to myself, I
was enchanting; I was beauty itself, and then I had my virginity.
But, alas! I did not retain it long; this precious flower, which
was to have been reserved for the beautiful Prince of Massa
Carrara, was cropped by the captain of the Moorish vessel, a
hideous black man who thought he was doing me a great favor.
Indeed, both the Princess of Palestrina and myself must have
had very strong constitutions to undergo all the hardships and
violences we suffered before our arrival at Morocco. But I will
not detain you any longer with such common things; they are
hardly worth mentioning.
AUpon our arrival at Morocco we found that kingdom deluged
with blood. Fifty sons of the Emperor Muley Ishmael were each
at the head of a party. This produced fifty civil wars of blacks
against blacks, of browns against browns, of mulattoes against
mulattoes and of all the permutations in between. In short, the
whole empire was one continued scene of carnage. No sooner

were we landed than a party of blacks, of a faction opposed to
that of my captain, came to rob him of his booty. Next to the
money and jewels, we were the most valuable things he had. I
witnessed on this occasion such a battle as you never beheld in
your cold European climates. The northern nations have not that
fermentation in their blood nor that raging lust for women that
is so common in Africa. The natives of Europe seem to have
their veins filled with milk only; but fire and vitriol circulate in
those of the inhabitants of Mount Atlas and the neighboring
provinces. They fought with the fury of the lions, tigers, and
serpents of their country to decide who should have us. A Moor
seized my mother by the right arm, while my captain's
lieutenant held her by the left; another Moor laid hold of her by
the right leg, and one of our corsairs held her by the other.
In this manner almost all of our women were dragged by four
soldiers.
AMy captain kept me behind him and with his drawn scimitar
cut down everyone who opposed him; at length I saw all our
Italian women and my mother mangled and torn in pieces by the
monsters who contended for them. The captives, my
companions, the Moors who took us, the soldiers, the sailors,
the blacks, the whites, the mulattoes, and lastly, my captain
himself, were all slain, and I remained alone expiring upon a
heap of dead bodies. Similar barbarous scenes were transacted
every day over the whole country, which is of three hundred
leagues in extent, and yet they never missed the five stated
times of prayer enjoined by their prophet Mahomet. I
disengaged myself with great difficulty from the heap of
corpses and managed to crawl to a large orange tree that stood
on the bank of a neighboring rivulet, where I fell down
exhausted with fatigue and overwhelmed with horror, despair,
and hunger. My senses being overpowered, I fell asleep, or
rather in a trance. Thus I lay in a state of weakness and
insensibility between life and death, when I felt myself pressed
by something that moved up and down upon my body.
Chapter 12 - The Adventures of the Old Woman Continued

This brought me to myself. I opened my eyes, and saw a pretty
fair-faced man, who sighed and muttered these words between
his teeth, O che sciagura d'essere senza
coglioni![footnoteRef:15]@ Astonished and delighted to hear
my native language, and no less surprised at the young man's
words, I told him that there were far greater misfortunes in the
world than what he complained of. And to convince him of it, I
gave him a short history of the horrible disasters that had
befallen me; and as soon as I had finished, fell into a swoon
again. He carried me in his arms to a neighboring cottage,
where he had me put to bed, procured me something to eat,
waited on me with the greatest attention, comforted me,
caressed me, told me that he had never seen anything so
perfectly beautiful as myself, and that he had never so much
regretted the loss of what no one could restore to him. >I was
born at Naples,= said he, >where they make eunuchs of
thousands of children every year; some die of the operation;
some acquire voices far beyond the most tuneful of your ladies;
and others are sent to govern states and empires. I underwent
this operation very successfully, and was one of the singers in
the Princess of Palestrina's chapel.= >But,= cried I, >that is my
mother's chapel!= >The Princess of Palestrina, your mother!=
cried he, bursting into a flood of tears. >Is it possible you
should be the beautiful young princess whom I had the care of
bringing up till she was six years old, and who at that tender
age promised to be as fair as I now behold you?= >I am the
same,= I replied. >My mother lies about a hundred yards fr om
here cut in pieces and buried under a heap of dead bodies.=
[15: What a misfortune to lose one=s testicles! ]
AI then related to him all that had befallen me, and he in return
acquainted me with all his adventures, and how he had been sent
to the court of the King of Morocco by a Christian prince to
conclude a treaty with that monarch; in consequence of which
he was to be furnished with military stores, and ships to destroy
the commerce of other Christian governments. >I have

completed my mission,= said the eunuch; 'I am going to take
ship at Ceuta, and I'll take you along with me to Italy. Ma che
sciagura d'essere senza coglioni!= I thanked him with tears of
joy, but, not withstanding, instead of taking me with him to
Italy, he carried me to Algiers, and sold me to the Dey of that
province. I had not been long a slave when the plague, which
had made the tour of Africa, Asia, and Europe, broke out at
Algiers with redoubled fury. You have seen an earthquake; but
tell me, miss, have you ever had the [email protected]
ANever,@ answered the young Baroness.
AIf you had ever had it,@ continued the old woman, Ayou
would own an earthquake was a trifle to it. It is very common in
Africa; I was seized with it. Imagine the distressed condition of
the daughter of a Pope, only fifteen years old, who in less than
three months had felt the miseries of poverty and slavery; had
been debauched almost every day; had beheld her mother cut
into four quarters; had experienced the scourges of famine and
war; and was now dying of the plague at Algiers. I did not,
however, die of it; but my eunuch, and the Dey, and almost the
whole seraglio of Algiers, were swept off.
AAs soon as the first fury of this dreadful pestilence was over,
a sale was made of the Dey's slaves. I was purchased by a
merchant who carried me to Tunis. This man sold me to another
merchant, who sold me again to another at Tripoli; from Tripoli
I was sold to Alexandria, from Alexandria to Smyrna, and from
Smyrna to Constantinople. After many changes, I at length
became the property of an Aga of the Janissaries, who, soon
after I came into his possession, was ordered away to the
defense of Azov, then besieged by the Russians. The Aga, being
very fond of women, took his whole seraglio with him, and
lodged us in a small fort, with two black eunuchs and twenty
soldiers for our guard. Our army made a great slaughter among
the Russians; but they soon returned us the compliment. Azov
was taken by storm, and the enemy spared neither age, sex, nor
condition, but put all to the sword, and laid the city in ashes.
Our little fort alone held out; they resolved to reduce us by

famine. The twenty janissaries, who were left to defend it, had
bound themselves by an oath never to surrender the place. Being
reduced to the extremi ty of famine, they found themselves
obliged to kill our two eunuchs, and eat them rather than violate
their oath. But this horrible repast soon failing them, they next
determined to devour the women.
AWe had a very pious and humane man, who gave them a most
excellent sermon on this occasion, exhorting them not to kill us
all at once. >Cut off only one of the buttocks of each of those
ladies,= said he, >and you will fare extremely well; if you are
under the necessity of having recourse to the same expedient
again, you will find the like supply a few days hence. Heaven
will approve of so charitable an action, and work your
deliverance.= By the force of this eloquence he easily persuaded
them, and all of us underwent the operation. The man applied
the same balsam as they do to children after circumcision. We
were all ready to give up the ghost. The Janissaries had scarcely
time to finish the repast with which we had supplied them, when
the Russians attacked the place by means of flat-bottomed boats
and not a single Janissary was spared. The Russians paid no
regard to the condition we were in; but there are French
surgeons in all parts of the world, and one of them took us
under his care, and cured us. I shall never forget, while I live,
that as soon as my wounds were perfectly healed he
propositioned me. In general, he desired us all to be of a good
cheer, assuring us that the like had happened in many sieges and
that it was commonplace in the conduct of war.
AAs soon as my companions were in a condition to walk, they
were sent to Moscow. As for me, I fell to the lot of a Boyar,
who put me to work in his garden and gave me twenty lashes a
day. But this nobleman having about two years afterwards been
broken alive upon the wheel with about thirty others, for some
court intrigues, I took advantage of the event, and made my
escape. I traveled over a great part of Russia. I was a long time
an innkeeper's servant at Riga, then at Rostock, Wismar,
Leipzig, Cassel, Utrecht, Leyden, The Hague, and Rotterdam. I

have grown old in misery and disgrace, living with only one
buttock while remembering that I am the daughter of a Pope. I
have been a hundred times upon the point of killing myself, but
still I was fond of life. This ridiculous weakness is, perhaps,
one of the dangerous principles implanted in our nature. For
what can be more absurd than to persist in carrying a burden of
which we wish to be eased? to detest and yet strive to preserve
our existence? In a word, to caress the serpent that devours us
and hug him close to our bosoms till he has gnawed into our
hearts?
AIn the different countries which it has been my fate to
traverse, and at the many inns where I have been a servant, I
have observed a prodigious number of people who held their
existence in abhorrence, and yet I never knew more than twelve
who voluntarily put an end to their miseryBthree blacks, four
Englishmen, four citizens of Geneva, and a German professor
named Robeck[footnoteRef:16]. My last place was with the Jew,
Don Issachar, who put me in your service, my fair lady; to your
fortunes I have attached myself and have been more concerned
with your adventures than with my own. I should never have so
much as mentioned the latter to you had you not a little piqued
me on the head of sufferings and if it were not customary to tell
stories on board a ship in order to pass away the time. [16:
Johann Robeck, author of a treatise advocating suicide, who
acted on his principles in 1739. ]
AIn short, my dear miss, I have a great deal of knowledge and
experience in the world, therefore take my advice: divert
yourself, and prevail upon each passenger to tell his story, and
if there is one of them all that has not cursed his existence many
times, and said to himself over and over again that he was the
most wretched of mortals, I give you permission to throw me
headfirst into the [email protected]
Chapter 13 - How Candide Was Obliged to Leave the Fair
Cunégonde and the Old Woman
The fair Cunégonde, being thus made acquainted with the

history of the old woman's life and adventures, paid her all the
respect and civility due to a person of her rank and merit. She
very readily acceded to her proposal of engaging the passengers
to relate their adventures in their turns, and she and Candide
were compelled to acknowledge that the old woman was in the
right.
AIt is a thousand pities,@ said Candide, Athat the wise
Pangloss should have been hanged contrary to the custom of an
auto-da-fé, for he would have given us a most admirable lecture
on the moral and physical evil which overspreads the earth and
sea; and I think I would have had courage enough to presume to
offer (with all due respect) some few [email protected]
While everyone was reciting his adventures, the ship continued
on her way, and at length arrived at Buenos Aires, where
Cunégonde, Captain Candide, and the old woman landed and
went to wait upon the governor, Don Fernando d=Ibaraa y
Figueora y Mascarenes y Lampourdos y Souza. This nobleman
carried himself with a haughtiness suitable to a person who bore
so many names. He spoke with the most noble disdain to
everyone, carried his nose so high, strained his voice to such a
pitch, assumed so imperious an air, and stalked about with so
much loftiness and pride, that everyone who had the honor of
conversing with him was violently tempted to kick him. He was
immoderately fond of women, and Cunégonde appeared in his
eyes a paragon of beauty. The first thing he did was to ask her if
she was not the Captain's wife. The air with which he made this
demand alarmed Candide, who did not dare to say he was
married to her, because indeed he was not; neither did he
venture to say she was his sister, because she was not; and
though a lie of this nature proved of great service to one of the
ancients, and might possibly be useful to some of the moderns,
yet the purity of his heart would not permit him to violate the
truth.
AMiss Cunégonde,@ replied he, Ais to do me the honor to
marry me, and we humbly beseech Your
Excellency to condescend to grace the ceremony with your

[email protected]
Don Fernando d=Ibaraa y Figueora y Mascarenes y Lampourdos
y Souza, twirling his mustache and putting on a sarcastic smile,
ordered Captain Candide to go and review his company. The
gentle Candide obeyed, and the Governor was left with
Cunégonde. He made her a strong declaration of love, protesting
that he was ready to give her his hand in the face of the Church,
or otherwise, as should appear most agreeable to a young lady
of her prodigious beauty. Cunégonde desired leave to retire a
quarter of an hour to consult the old woman, and determine how
she should proceed.
The old woman gave her the following counsel:
AMiss, you have seventy-two quarterings in your arms, it is
true, but you have not a penny to bless yourself with. It is your
own fault if you do not become the wife of one of the greatest
noblemen in South America, the owner of an exceeding fine
mustache. What business have you to pride yourself upon an
unshaken constancy? You have been outraged by a Bulgarian
soldier; a Jew and an Inquisitor have both tasted of your favors.
People take advantage of misfortunes. I must confess, were I in
your place, I should give my hand to the Governor without the
least scruple and thereby make the fortune of the brave Captain
[email protected]
While the old woman was thus haranguing, with all the
prudence that old age and experience furnish, a small ship
entered the harbor, in which was a royal official and some
police officers. Matters had fallen out as follows.
The old woman rightly guessed that the Franciscan with the
long sleeves was the person who had taken Cunégonde's money
and jewels while they and Candide were at Badajoz in their
flight from Lisbon. This same friar attempted to sell some of the
diamonds to a jeweler, who recognized that they belonged to
the Grand Inquisitor, and confiscated them. The Franciscan,
before he was hanged, acknowledged that he had stolen them
and described his victims and the road they had taken. The
flight of Cunégonde and Candide was already the talk of the

town. A party was sent in pursuit of them to Cadiz; and the
vessel had now reached the port of Buenos Aires. A report was
spread that an official was going to land, and that he was
seeking the murderers of My Lord, the Inquisitor. The wise old
woman immediately saw what was to be done.
AYou cannot run away,@ said she to Cunégonde, Abut you have
nothing to fear; it was not you who killed My Lord Inquisitor:
besides, as the Governor is in love with you, he will not suffer
you to be ill-treated; therefore stand your [email protected]
Then hurrying away to Candide, she said, ABe gone hence this
instant, or you will be burned [email protected]
Candide found there was no time to be lost; but how could he
part from Cunégonde, and whither must he fly for shelter?
14 - The Reception Candide and Cacambo Met with among the
Jesuits in Paraguay
Candide had brought with him from Cadiz such a valet as one
often meets with on the coasts of Spain and in the colonies. He
was the fourth part of a Spaniard, of a mongrel breed, and born
in Tucuman. He had successively gone through the profession of
a singing boy, sexton, sailor, monk, peddler, soldier, and
servant. His name was Cacambo; he had a great affection for his
master, because his master was a very good man. He
immediately saddled the two Andalusian horses.
ACome, my good master, let us follow the old woman's advice,
and make all the haste we can from this place without staying to
look behind [email protected]
Candide burst into a flood of tears, AO my dear Cunégonde,
must I then be compelled to quit you just as the Governor was
going to honor us with his presence at our wedding! Cunégonde,
so long lost and only just found again, what will now become of
[email protected]
[email protected] said Cacambo, 'she must do as well as she
can; women are never at a loss. God takes care of them, and so
let us make the best of our [email protected]
ABut where will you carry me? where can we go? what can we
do without Cuné[email protected] cried the disconsolate

Candide.
ABy St. James of Compostella,@ said Cacambo, Ayou were
going to fight against the Jesuits of Paraguay; now let us go and
fight for them; I know the road perfectly well; I'll conduct you
to their kingdom; they will be delighted with a captain that
understands the Bulgarian drill; you will certainly make a
prodigious fortune. If we cannot succeed in this world we may
in another. It is a great pleasure to see new objects and perform
new [email protected]
AThen you have been in [email protected] asked Candide.
AAy, truly, I have,@ replied Cacambo. AI was a scout in the
College of the Assumption, and am as well acquainted with the
new government of the Los Padres as I am with the streets of
Cadiz. Oh, it is an admirable government, that is most certain!
The kingdom is at present upwards of three hundred leagues in
diameter, and divided into thirty provinces; the fathers there are
masters of everything, and the people have no money at all; this
you must allow is the masterpiece of justice and reason. For my
part, I see nothing so divine as the good fathers, who wage war
in this part of the world against the troops of Spain and Portugal
while hearing the confessions of those very princes in Europe;
they kill Spaniards in America and send them to Heaven at
Madrid. This pleases me exceedingly, but let us push forward;
you are going to see the happiest and most fortunate of all
mortals. How charmed will those fathers be to hear that a
captain who understands the Bulgarian military drill is coming
to [email protected]
As soon as they reached the first barrier, Cacambo called to the
advance guard, and told them that a captain wanted to speak to
My Lord, the General. Notice was given to the main guard, and
immediately a Paraguayan officer ran to throw himself at the
feet of the Commandant to impart this news to him. Candide and
Cacambo were immediately disarmed and their two Andalusian
horses were seized. The two strangers were conducted between
two files of musketeers; the Commandant was at the further end
with a three-cornered cap on his head, his gown tucked up, a

sword by his side, and a half-pike in his hand; he made a sign,
and instantly four and twenty soldiers drew up round the
newcomers. A sergeant told them that they must wait, the
Commandant could not speak to them; and that the Reverend
Father Provincial did not suffer any Spaniard to open his mouth
but in his presence, or to stay above three hours in the province.
AAnd where is the Reverend Father [email protected] said
Cacambo.
AHe has just come from Mass and is at the parade,@ replied the
sergeant, Aand in about three hours time you may possibly have
the honor to kiss his [email protected]
ABut,@ said Cacambo, Amy Captain here, who, as well as
myself, is perishing of hunger, is no Spaniard, but a German;
therefore, pray, might we not be permitted to break our fast
while waiting to be introduced to His [email protected]
The sergeant immediately went and acquainted the Commandant
with what he heard.
AGod be praised,@ said the Reverend Commandant, Asince he
is a German I will hear what he has to say; let him be brought to
my [email protected]
Immediately they conducted Candide to a beautiful pavilion
adorned with a colonnade of green marble, spotted with yellow,
and with an intertexture of vines, which served as a kind of cage
for parrots, humming birds, guinea hens, and all other curious
kinds of birds. An excellent breakfast was provided in vessels
of gold; and while the Paraguayans were eating coarse Indian
corn out of wooden dishes in the open air, and exposed to the
burning heat of the sun, the Reverend Father Commandant
retired to his cool arbor.
He was a very handsome young man, round-faced, fair, and
fresh-colored, his eyebrows were finely arched, he had a
piercing eye, the tips of his ears were red, his lips vermilion,
and he had a bold and commanding air; but such a boldness as
neither resembled that of a Spaniard nor of a Jesuit. He ordered
Candide and Cacambo to have their arms restored to them,
together with their two Andalusian horses. Cacambo gave the

poor beasts some oats to eat close by the arbor, keeping a strict
eye upon them all the while for fear of surprise.
Candide kissed the hem of the Commandant's robe, and they sat
down to table.
AIt seems you are a German,@ said the Jesuit to him in that
language.
AYes, Reverend Father,@ answered Candide.
As they pronounced these words they looked at each other with
great amazement and with an emotion that neither could
conceal.
AFrom what part of Germany do you [email protected] said the
Jesuit.
AFrom the dirty province of Westphalia,@ answered Candide.
AI was born in the castle of
[email protected]
AOh heavens! is it [email protected] said the Commandant.
AWhat a [email protected] cried Candide.
ACan it be [email protected] said the Commandant.
On this they both drew a few steps backwards, then running into
each other's arms, embraced, and wept profusely.
AIs it you then, Reverend Father? You are the brother of the
fair Cunégonde? You that was slain by the Bulgarians! You the
Baron's son! You a Jesuit in Paraguay! I must confess this is a
strange world we live in. O Pangloss! what joy would this have
given you if you had not been [email protected]
The Commandant dismissed his slaves, and the Paraguayans
who presented them with liquor in crystal goblets. He returned
thanks to God and St. Ignatius a thousand times; he clasped
Candide in his arms, and both their faces were bathed in tears.
AYou will be more surprised, more affected, more
transported,@ said Candide, Awhen I tell you that Cunégonde,
your sister, whose belly was supposed to have been ripped open,
is in perfect health. She is not far from here, with the Governor
of Buenos Aires; and I myself was going to fight against
[email protected]
Every word they uttered during this long conversation was

productive of some new matter of astonishment. Their souls
fluttered on their tongues, listened in their ears, and sparkled in
their eyes. Like true Germans, they continued a long while at
table, waiting for the Reverend Father; and the Commandant
spoke to his dear Candide as follows.
15 - How Candide Killed the Brother of His Dear Cunégonde
ANever while I live shall I lose the remembrance of that
horrible day on which I saw my father and mother barbarously
butchered before my eyes, and my sister raped. When the
Bulgarians retired we searched in vain for my dear sister. She
was nowhere to be found; but the bodies of my father, mother,
and myself, with two servant maids and three little boys, all of
whom had been murdered by the remorseless enemy, were
thrown into a cart to be buried in a Jesuit chapel two leagues
from our family seat. A Jesuit sprinkled us with some holy
water, which was confounded salty and a few drops of it went
into my eyes; the father perceived that my eyelids stirred a
little; he put his hand upon my breast and felt my heartbeat;
upon which he gave me proper assistance, and at the end of
three weeks I was perfectly recovered. You know, my dear
Candide, I was very handsome; I became still more so, and the
Reverend Father Croust, superior of that house, took a great
fancy to me; he gave me the habit of the order, and some years
afterwards I was sent to Rome. Our General stood in need of
new recruits of young German Jesuits. The sovereigns of
Paraguay admit as few Spanish Jesuits as possible; they prefer
those of other nations, as being more obedient to command. The
Reverend Father General looked upon me as a proper person to
work in that vineyard. I set out in company with a Pole and a
Tyrolese. Upon my arrival I was honored with a subdeaconship
and a lieutenancy. Now I am colonel and priest. We shall give a
warm reception to the King of Spain's troops; I can assure you
they will be well excommunicated and beaten. Providence has
sent you hither to assist us. But is it true that my dear sister
Cunégonde is with the Governor of Buenos [email protected]
Candide swore that nothing could be more true; and the tears

began again to trickle down their cheeks. The Baron knew no
end of embracing Candide, be called him his brother, his
deliverer.
APerhaps,@ said he, Amy dear Candide, we shall be fortunate
enough to enter the town, sword in hand, and recover my sister
Cuné[email protected]
AAh! that would crown my wishes,@ replied Candide; Afor I
intended to marry her; and I hope I shall still be able to effe ct
[email protected]
AYou insolent [email protected] cried the Baron. AYou have the
impudence to marry my sister, who bears seventy-two
quarterings! Really, I think you are insufferably arrogant to
dare so much as to mention such an idea to [email protected]
Candide, terrified by this speech, answered:
AReverend Father, all the quarterings in the world are of no
significance. I have delivered your sister from a Jew and an
Inquisitor; she is under many obligations to me, and she is
resolved to give me her hand. My master, Pangloss, always told
me that mankind are by nature equal. Therefore, you may
depend upon it that I will marry your [email protected]
AWe shall see to that, [email protected] said the Jesuit, Baron
of Thunder-ten-tronckh, and struck him across the face with the
flat side of his sword. Candide in an instant drew his rapier and
plunged it up to the hilt in the Jesuit's body; but in pulling it out
reeking hot, he burst into tears.
AGood [email protected] cried he, AI have killed my old
master, my friend, my brother-in-law. I am the best man in the
world, and yet I have already killed three men, and of these
three, two were [email protected] Cacambo, who was standing
sentry near the door of the arbor, instantly ran up.
ANothing remains,@ said his master, Abut to sell our lives as
dearly as possible; they will look into the arbor sooner or later;
we must die sword in [email protected]
Cacambo, who had seen many adventures, was not discouraged.
He stripped the Baron of his Jesuit's habit and put it upon
Candide, then gave him the dead man's three-cornered cap and

made him mount on horseback. All this was done as quick as
thought.
AGallop, master,@ cried Cacambo; Aeverybody will take you
for a Jesuit going to give orders; and we shall have passed the
frontiers before they will be able to overtake [email protected]
He flew as he spoke these words, crying out aloud in Spanish,
AMake way; make way for the
Reverend Father [email protected]
Chapter 16 - What Happened to Our Two Travelers with Two
Girls, Two Monkeys, and the Savages Called Oreillons
Candide and his valet had already passed the frontier before it
was known that the German Jesuit was dead. The wary Cacambo
had taken care to fill his knapsack with bread, chocolate, some
ham, some fruit, and a few bottles of wine. They penetrated
with their Andalusian horses into a strange country, where they
could discover no beaten path. At length a beautiful meadow,
intersected by purling streams, opened to their view. Cacambo
proposed to his master to take some nourishment, and set him an
example.
AHow can you desire me to feast upon ham, when I have killed
the Baron's son and am doomed never more to see the beautiful
Cunégonde? What will it avail me to prolong a wretched life
that must be spent far from her in remorse and despair? And
then what will the Journal of Trevoux[footnoteRef:17]
[email protected] was Candide's reply. [17: A journal of the
Jesuit order, hostile to Voltaire=s enlightenment philosophy. ]
While he was making these reflections he found himself eating.
The sun was now on the point of setting when the ears of our
two wanderers were assailed with cries which seemed to be
uttered by a female voice. They could not tell whether these
were cries of grief or of joy; however, they instantly started up,
full of the fears that a strange place inspires. The cries, it
turned out, proceeded from two young women who were
tripping naked along the meadow, while two monkeys followed
close at their heels biting at their behinds. Candide was moved

by compassion; he had learned to shoot while he was among the
Bulgarians, and he could hit a filbert-nut in a hedge without
touching a leaf. Accordingly he took up his double-barreled
Spanish gun, pulled the trigger, and laid the monkeys lifeless on
the ground.
AGod be praised, my dear Cacambo, I have rescued two poor
girls from a most perilous situation; if I have committed a sin in
killing an Inquisitor and a Jesuit, I have made ample amends by
saving the lives of these two distressed damsels. Who knows but
they may be young ladies of a good family and that the
assistance I have been so happy to give them may procure us
great advantage in this [email protected]
He was about to continue when he felt himself struck speechless
at seeing the two girls embracing the dead bodies of the
monkeys in grief, bathing their wounds with their tears, and
rending the air with the most doleful lamentations.
AReally,@ said he to Cacambo, AI should not have expected to
see such a prodigious display of [email protected]
AMaster,@ replied the knowing valet, Ayou have made a
precious piece of work of it; do you know that you have killed
the lovers of these two [email protected]
ATheir lovers! Cacambo, you are jesting! It cannot be! I can
never believe [email protected]
ADear sir,@ replied Cacambo, Ayou are surprised at
everything. Why should you think it so strange that there should
be a country where monkeys earn themselves the good graces of
ladies? They are onefourth man as I am quarter-part
[email protected]
[email protected] replied Candide, AI remember to have heard
my master Pangloss say that such misadventures as these
frequently came to pass in former times, and that such
comminglings produced centaurs, fauns, and satyrs; and that
many of the ancients had seen such monsters; but I looked upon
all that as [email protected]
ANow you ee,@ said Cacambo, Athat it is very true, and you
see what use is made of those creatures by persons who have not

been properly educated; all I am afraid of is that these same
ladies may make things difficult for [email protected]
These judicious reflections operated so far on Candide as to
make him quit the meadow and strike into a thicket. There he
and Cacambo supped, and after heartily cursing the Grand
Inquisitor, the Governor of Buenos Aires, and the Baron, they
fell asleep on the ground. When they awoke they were surprised
to find that they could not move; the reason was that the
Oreillons, the inhabitants of that country, to whom the ladies
had complained, had bound them with cords made of tree-bark.
They saw themselves surrounded by fifty Oreillons, all naked
and armed with bows and arrows, clubs, and hatchets of flint;
some were making a fire under a large cauldron; and others
were preparing spits, crying out one and all, AA Jesuit! a
Jesuit! we shall be revenged and also have an excellent meal; let
us eat Jesuit; let us dine on [email protected]
AI told you, master,@ cried Cacambo, mournfully, Athat those
two wenches would play us some scurvy [email protected]
Candide, seeing the cauldron and the spits, cried out, AI
suppose they are going either to boil or roast us. Ah! what
would Pangloss say if he were to see what a completely natural
man is really like?
Everything is for the best; it may be so; but I must confess it is
something hard to be bereft of dear Cunégonde, and to be
spitted like a rabbit by these barbarous [email protected]
Cacambo, who never lost his presence of mind in distress, said
to the disconsolate Candide, ADo not despair; I understand a
little of the jargon of these people; I will speak to
[email protected]
AAy, pray do,@ said Candide, Aand be sure you make them
sensible of the horrid barbarity of boiling and roasting human
creatures and how little Christianity there is in such
[email protected]
AGentlemen,@ said Cacambo, Ayou think perhaps you are
going to feast upon a Jesuit; if so, it is mighty well; nothing can
be more agreeable to justice or the palate than thus to treat your

enemies. Indeed the law of nature teaches us to kill our
neighbor as well as our enemies, a practice obsereved all over
the world; and if we do not indulge ourselves in eating human
flesh, as you do, it is because we have much better fare; but for
your parts, who have not such resources as we, it is certainly
much better judged to feast upon your enemies than to throw
their bodies to the fowls of the air; and thus lose all the fruits of
your victory.
ABut surely, gentlemen, you would not choose to eat your
friends. You imagine you are going to roast a Jesuit, whereas
my master is your friend, your defender, and you are going to
spit the very man who has been destroying your enemies; as to
myself, I am your countryman; this gentleman is my master, and
so far from being a Jesuit, give me leave to tell you he has very
lately killed one of that order, whose garments he now wears
and which have probably occasioned your mistake. To convince
you of the truth of what I say, take the habit he has on and carry
it to the frontier of the Jesuits' kingdom and inquire whether my
master did not kill one of their officers. There will be little or
no time lost by this, and you may still reserve our bodies in
your power to feast on if you should find what we have told you
to be false. But, on the contrary, if you find it to be true, I am
persuaded you are too well acquainted with the principles of the
laws of society, humanity, and justice, not to use us
courteously, and suffer us to depart [email protected]
This speech appeared very reasonable to the Oreillons; they
deputed two of their people with all expedition to inquire into
the truth of this affair, who acquitted themselves of their
commission like men of sense and soon returned with good
tidings for our distressed adventurers. Upon this they were set
free, and those who were so lately going to roast and boi l them
now showed them all sorts of civilities, offered them girls, gave
them refreshments, and reconducted them to the confines of
their country, crying before them all the way, in token of joy,
AHe is no Jesuit! he is no [email protected]
Candide could not help admiring the cause of his deliverance.

AWhat barbarous men! what barbarous [email protected] cried
he. AIf I had not fortunately run my sword up to the hilt in the
body of
Cunégonde's brother, I should have certainly been eaten alive.
But it seems that after all, natural man is an excellent thing;
since these people, instead of eating me, showed me a thousand
civilities as soon as they knew I was not a [email protected]
Chapter 17 - Candide and His Valet Arrive in the Country of El
Dorado-What They Saw There
When they reached the frontier of Oreillon-country, Cacambo
said to Candide, AYou see, this hemisphere is not better than
the other; now take my advice and let us return to Europe by the
shortest way [email protected]
ABut how can we get [email protected] said Candide; Aand
where shall we go to? My own country? The Bulgarians and the
Abares are laying that waste with fire and sword. Or shall we go
to Portugal? There I shall be burned; and if we abide here we
are every moment in danger of being cooked. But how can I
bring myself to quit that part of the world where my dear
Cunégonde [email protected]
ALet us turn towards Cayenne,@ said Cacambo. AThere we
shall meet with some Frenchmen, for you know those gentry
ramble all over the world. Perhaps they will assist us, and God
will look with pity on our [email protected]
It was not so easy to get to Cayenne. They knew pretty nearly
whereabouts it lay; but the mountains, rivers, precipices,
robbers, savages, were dreadful obstacles in the way. Their
horses died with fatigue and their provisions were at an end.
They subsisted a whole month on wild fruit, till at length they
came to a little river bordered with cocoa trees; the sight of
which at once revived their drooping spirits and furnished
nourishment for their enfeebled bodies.
Cacambo, who was always giving as advice as good as the old
woman herself, said to Candide, AYou see there is no holding
out any longer; we have traveled enough on foot. I spy an empty
canoe near the river side; let us fill it with cocoanuts, get into

it, and go down with the stream; a river always leads to some
inhabited place. If we do not meet with agreeable things, we
shall at least meet with something [email protected] AAgreed,@
replied Candide; Alet us recommend ourselves to
[email protected]
They rowed a few leagues down the river, the banks of which
were in some places covered with flowers; in others barren; in
some parts smooth and level, and in others steep and rugged.
The stream widened as they went further on and they eventually
came to a spot where it passed into a great hole at the base of
frightful rocks, whose summits seemed to reach the clouds. Our
two travelers had the courage to commit themselves to this
underground torrent, which, contracting in this part, hurried
them along with a dreadful noise and rapidity.
At the end of four and twenty hours they saw daylight again;
but their canoe was dashed to pieces against the rocks. They
were obliged to creep along, from rock to rock, for the space of
a league, till at length a spacious plain presented itself to their
sight. This place was bounded by a chain of inaccessible
mountains. The country appeared cultivated as much for
pleasure as to produce the necessities of life. The useful and
agreeable were here equally blended. The roads were filled, or
rather adorned, with carriages formed of glittering materials, in
which sat men and women of a surprising beauty; they were
drawn with great rapidity by red sheep of a very large
size[footnoteRef:18]; which far surpassed the finest horses of
Andalusia, Tetuan, or Mecquinez. [18: Voltaire borrowed his
red sheep from traveller=s tales; they were actually llamas and
alpacas. ]
ANow this is a country,@ said Candide, Apreferable to
[email protected]
He and Cacambo landed near the first village they saw, at the
entrance of which they perceived some children covered with
tattered garments of the richest brocade and playing at quoits.
Our two inhabitants of the other hemisphere amused themselves

greatly with what they saw. The quoits were large, round pieces,
yellow, red, and green, which cast a most glorious luster. Our
travelers picked some of them up, and they proved to be gold,
emeralds, rubies, and diamonds; the least of which would have
been the greatest ornament to the superb throne of the Great
Mogul.
AWithout doubt,@ said Cacambo, Athose children must be the
King's sons that are playing at [email protected]
As he was uttering these words the schoolmaster of the village
appeared, who came to call the children to school.
AThat,@ said Candide, Amust be the tutor of the royal
[email protected]
The little ragamuffins immediately quitted their diversion,
leaving the quoits on the ground with all their other playthings.
Candide gathered them up, ran to the schoolmaster, and, with a
most respectful bow, presented them to him, giving him to
understand by signs that their Royal Highnesses had forgot their
gold and precious stones. The schoolmaster, with a smile, flung
them upon the ground, then, examining Candide from head to
foot with an air of astonishment, he turned his back and went
his way.
Our travelers took care, however, to gather up the gold, the
rubies, and the emeralds.
AWhere are [email protected] cried Candide. AThe King's
children in this country must have an excellent education, since
they are taught to show such a contempt for gold and precious
[email protected]
Cacambo was as much surprised as his master. They then drew
near the first house in the village, which was built after the
manner of a European palace. There was a crowd of people
about the door, and a still greater number in the house. The
sound of the most delightful instruments of music was heard,
and the most agreeable smell came from the kitchen. Cacambo
went up to the door and heard those within talking in the
Peruvian language, which was his mother tongue; for the read
should know that Cacambo was born

in a village of Tucuman, where no other language is
spoken.[footnoteRef:19] [19: Everyone does not know this,
since Peru at the time had a number of native dialects, but the
language spoken at large was Spanish. The APeruvian
[email protected] was Voltaire=s invention. ]
AI will be your interpreter here,@ said he to Candide. ALet us
go in; this is a roadside [email protected]
Immediately two waiters and two servant-girls, dressed in cloth
of gold, and their hair braided with ribbons of tissue, accosted
the strangers and invited them to sit down. Their dinner
consisted of four dishes of different soups, each garnished with
two young parakeets, a large dish of condor that weighed two
hundred weight, two roasted monkeys of a delicious flavor,
three hundred hummingbirds in one dish, and six hundred in
another; some excellent ragouts, and delicate tarts, the whole
served up in dishes of rock-crystal. Several sorts of liquors,
extracted from the sugarcane, were handed about by the servants
who attended.
Most of the company were traveling salesmen and wagon-
drivers, all extremely polite; they asked Cacambo a few
questions with the utmost discretion and circumspection; and
replied to his in a most obliging and satisfactory manner.
As soon as dinner was over, both Candide and Cacambo thought
they might easily pay very handsomely for their entertainment,
laying down two of those large gold pieces which they had
picked off the ground; but at the sight of this, the landlord and
landlady burst into a fit of laughing and held their sides for
some time.
When the fit was over, the landlord said, AGentlemen, I plainly
perceive you are strangers, and such we are not accustomed to
meet; pardon us, therefore, for laughing when you offered us
the common pebbles of our highways as payment for your meal.
To be sure, you have none of the coin of this kingdom; but there
is no necessity of having any money at all to dine in this house.
All the inns, which are established for the convenience of those

(3) Voltaire, Candide. a. Text. Translation in the pubic d

(3) Voltaire, Candide. a. Text. Translation in the pubic d

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