1. Mugabe's theorem
By: Jagoda Radojcic
Croatia's finest and most intelligent heads have been trying for years to find answers
to numerous crucial questions concerning Croatian future: Are we really going to
become a country of knowledge soon? Or at last a little country for a big holiday?
How are we going to fight off the crisis we were so irresponsibly shoved into by our
neighbours, the Slovenians? What will happen to us now that our ex prime minister
Sanader was arrested in Austria? When and how will we pay off our debts? Are we
going to succeed in solving the problem of unemployment in the following months? At
which rate are we going to decrease internal debts? When are we going to enter the
EU?
If you think about it, Croatian problems aren't really that big. If we exclude the bad
economy and the lack of money, everything else is more or less in order. Our country
is the most beautiful in the world, our women have the firmest breasts, and men have
the largest penises. We are a regional military force, the air is relatively clean, we
have all the water we want, our fields are fertile, there is no plague or other
diseases... To sum up, so many reasons for happiness, and yet, wherever you turn –
depression, misery, complaining, dissatisfaction. And all that just because of money.
A great African statesman Robert Mugabe, the president of Zimbabwe, solved a
similar economic riddle in a perfectly simple and logical manner. He took care of
internal debts by printing more money. The state officials, military and police were
paid with new bills, up until the point those multi-couloured pieces of paper could
barely even be called money anymore. It's common knowledge that after this top
layer of society gets paid, everything is allright. Although inflation soon started to
cross the limit of 100% a day, no one could object that Mugabe took care all of his
responsibilities. Everyone got as much as was agreed – both the unions, social
partners, the military, police and health departments. Moreover, all of them regularly
received even bigger amounts than agreed, which spoke volumes of Mr. President's
eccentric kindness. Robert Mugabe took care of the external debt problem in an
equally brilliant manner – by declaring he has no more money and is no longer going
to pay off his debts. And while theorists of economics thought hard whether the state
can go bankrupt at all and what and how should enter the bankrupcy mass of
Zimbabwe, Mugabe continued to rule uniteruptedly, and by doing so sent a message
to his international creditors: 'You can't touch me'.
Why couldn't Croatia follow his example? To lend money wherever it's still possible,
and then print more money to pay the state apparatus, followed by just declaring
bankrupcy after a year or two? Really, why not? The fears of the state going bankrupt
are mostly spreaded by ignorant national romantics, the same ones who used to
preach us on national independence (Dear God, it sounds so comical today). The
banks are not Croatian for a long time now anyway, we sold the oil industry, and not
even the trading chains are ours. We sold the ironworks. pieces of our shore,
factories, telecommunications, hotels, the pharmaceutical industry, roads.... And
what happened? Nothing happened. We are alive, healthy, and enjoying life and
independence. How is this possible? It's simple, those things were never ours to
begin with. Even if we felt as they were ours, we felt wrong. I own the computer I'm
writing on and I own the apartment I'm living in, but I don't own the Adriatic sea or
Slavonia, and I never did (if I did, I would have sold them a long time ago). Similarly,
2. what would happen if one of these days Velebit, the Parliament or the National Bank
building belonged to, for example, wealthy Germans? Absolutely nothing. They
wouldn't take it and bring it to Germany. That would be impossible and completely
non-profitable. It would all remain here. We would still observe the castle hosting the
National Bank from the outside, walk around Velebit and enjoy the shade of the
Parliament, it's just that we would pay all this to some future owner instead of the
current one. Moreover, the application of Mugabe's theorem would significantly
improve the political relations in the country, optimism would increase, people would
be happy and cheerful, and our country would resemble Utopia for the next year or
two.
