Love Me Don't Leave Me | Addressing Abandonment Fears

Love Me Don’t Leave Me
Addressing Fears of Abandonment
Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes PhD, LPC-MHSP, LMHC
Executive Director, AllCEUs
*Based in part on Love Me Don’t Leave Me by Michelle Skeen, PsyD.
AllCEUs.com Unlimited CEUs $59 | Specialty Certificates $89 | Live Webinars $5

Objectives
 Help clients increase awareness of their story
including beliefs about and behavioral reactions to
situations that trigger your fear of abandonment
 Learn about fear of abandonment
 Explore the concept of schemas or core beliefs
 Examine common traps in thinking, reacting and
relationships
 Learn skills necessary to
 Accept their past as part of their story
 Acknowledge that their past does not have to continue to
negatively impact them in the present

How It Impacts Recovery
 Connection is a basic human need
 As infants and children, survival was dependent
upon the relationship with the primary caregiver
 People’s beliefs about other people and
relationships was formed largely based on their
interactions with their caregivers
 Healthy relationships serve as a buffer against
stress

How It Impacts Recovery
 Addressing beliefs that formed as a result of these
relationships will help people:
 Create a new understanding of these events
 Better understand themselves and their reactions
 Help them make more conscious, healthy decisions in
their current relationships

Abandonment Experience
 In childhood, survival depends on caregivers.
 Fear of abandonment is a natural survival response
 Meeting biological needs and safety are key triggers
for anxiety at any age.
 When focused on survival people cannot focus
elsewhere
 Every stressful situation becomes a crisis in the
insecurely attached child

Abandonment Experience
 In infancy/early childhood, caregivers were:
 Away for long periods (Work, military, jail, choice, death)
 Been inconsistently or unpredictably physically or emotionally
present. (emotional distress, addiction, ill equipped to deal with
a child)
 In later childhood
 Poor family fit/black-sheep
 Trauma that ruptures the relationship with the primary caregiver
 Introduction of a new, less emotionally or physically safe
caregiver

Reactions to Fears of Abandonment
 Fight or flight
 Anger toward someone who is unavailable
 Sadness (helplessness) when someone goes away
 Shame (Self anger) about feeling needy
 Fear
 Rejection/isolation
 Loss of control/the unknown
 Failure
 Questions for clients
 What caused these fears as a child? How were they reasonable/helpful.
 What causes these fears now? How are they unhelpful?

Temperament
 Based on their temperament, children need
different types and amounts of caregiver
interaction
 Wide open and easily overstimulated
 The energizer bunny
 The introvert
 The extrovert
 If abandonment fears are triggered in early
childhood, it can be addressed.
*It is important to pay attention to the behaviors that are being
reinforced

Schemas
 Based on their needs and caregivers reactions,
children form schemas or core beliefs about the
world and others
 Important points about children under 7:
(ages 8-12 children are developing alternate cognitive skills)
 Children think dichotomously
 Children are egocentric
 Children can only focus on one aspect at a time
 Children cannot think abstractly (consider other
“possible” options)

Schemas
 A broad way of perceiving things based upon
memories, feelings, thoughts
 Schemas that trigger abandonment fears center
around:
 Self
Acceptability (Rejection)
Lovability (Isolation)
Competence (Failure)
Adaptability (Ability to tolerate loss of control)

Schemas
 Schemas that trigger abandonment fears center
around:
 Relationship of self to others
Acceptability (Rejection)
Lovability (Isolation)
Consistency (The Unknown)
Controllability

Attachment Styles
 Secure: Emotionally available caregiver
 Child seeks caregiver for comfort
 Child is upset when caregiver leaves, especially in new
situations
 Child is happy when caregiver returns
 Learns to:
 Trust others will be responsive
 Be self-reliant/try things, but if they fail know they can return
to home base (self-efficacy)
 Adapt to a variety of situations
 Deal with stress
 Have accurate expectations of others

Attachment Styles
 Avoidant: Rejecting, harsh caregiver
 Depends less on caregiver for security
 Shows little response when caregiver leaves or returns
 Child learns not to depend on the caregiver for comfort,
connection or security
 Ambivalent: Inconsistent, chaotic caregiver
 Child is anxious, afraid to try/explore
 Child is clingy and demanding trying to elicit response
(negative attention is better than no attention)
 Upset when caregiver leaves but also inconsolable when
caregiver returns

Core Abandonment Beliefs
 Abandonment: All people leave.
 Mistrust: People will hurt, reject, take advantage of me or
just not be there when I need them.
 Emotional Deprivation: I don’t get the love I need. Nobody
understands me, cares about me or even tries to meet my
needs.
 Defectiveness: If people knew me, they would reject me.
 Failure. I don’t measure up. I am not able to succeed.
*Notice the all or nothing language in these schemas.

Unhelpful Reactions
 Fight (You don’t want to leave me because…)
 Aggression, hostility, blaming, criticizing
 Dominance or trying to control others
 Recognition seeking to get attention/validation/approval
 Manipulation and exploitation (seduction, lying, justifying)
 Making excuses for other’s inappropriate behavior
 Clinging and chasing
 Flight (I don’t care if you leave)
 Withdrawal (physical, emotional, including addiction)
 Distraction

Questions for Clients About Core Beliefs
 Abandonment: All people leave.
 What does it look like to be available (not abandon)?
 Who in your past left you or was unavailable emotionally?
What did they do to make you feel rejected/abandoned?
What are alternate explanations?
 Who in your past has been available to you emotionally?
 Who in your present is available to you emotionally?
 What do you do in your current relationships that causes
people to leave?
Push them away How? Alternatives?
Cling How? Alternatives?

 Mistrust: People will hurt, reject, take advantage of me
or just not be there when I need them.
 What does it look like when someone is trustworthy and safe?
 Who in your past was untrustworthy or unsafe?
 What did they do that taught you people were untrustworthy or
dangerous?
 What are alternate explanations?
 Who in your past has been trustworthy and safe?
 Who in your present is available trustworthy?
 What do you do to yourself that is unsafe or dishonest?
 How does your distrust impact your current relationships?
 What could you do differently?

 Emotional Deprivation: I don’t get the love I need.
Nobody understands me, cares about me or even tries
to meet my needs.
 What does it look like when someone understands you and
meets your needs?
 Who in the past failed to meet your needs emotionally, and
how can you deal with that now?
 Who in your past has understood you?
 Who in your present understands and cares about you?
 How can you start better understanding yourself and taking
care of you?
 What can you do to start getting your needs met?

 Defectiveness: If people knew me they would reject
me.
 How will you know when you are accepted/acceptable?
 Who in your past made you feel defective?
Are there alternate explanations?
How can you silence those old tapes?
 Who in your past has been accepting and supportive?
 Who in your present is accepting and supportive?
 How can you start accepting yourself?

 Failure. I don’t measure up. I am not able to succeed.
 What does it look like to be successful?
 What in your past made you feel like a failure?
 What are alternate explanations/ways of viewing it?
 What have you succeeded at in the past?
 What are you good at in the present?
 *Pay attention to minimization
 What does being successful mean in terms of your relationship
with others?
 Who are 3 successful people you know. What makes them
successful?
 Does success = happiness?
 What do your kids need to do to be successful?

Triggering Relationships
 Abandoner: Unpredictable, unstable, unavailable
 Abuser: Untrustworthy, unsafe
 Depriver: Detached, withholding
 Devastator: Judgmental, rejecting, critical
 Critic: Critical, narcissistic
 Questions for Clients:
 How do you exhibit these behaviors?
 In what ways are these present in your current relationships?
 In what ways were these present in your primary caregiver
relationships

Behavioral Triggers
 Abandonment/Mistrust
 Change in someone’s behavior
 Not getting constant reassurance
 The other person’s relationships feel threatening
 Hypervigilant to rejection and disconnection
 How has this threatened you in the past?
 What would be a helpful reaction to these behaviors
now?

Behavioral Triggers
 Defectiveness/Failure
 Criticism
 Unexplained time apart
 Absent or inconsistent reassurance
 Failure
 How has this threatened you in the past?
 What would be a helpful reaction to these behaviors
now?

Envisioning Activity for Clients
 What does a healthy relationship look like?
 Presence vs. abandonment
 Acceptance vs. rejection
 Emotional support/compassion vs. emotional
unavailability
 Trustworthiness vs. untrustworthiness
 Safe vs. harmful
 How can you…
 Create this relationship with yourself?
 Create this relationship with others?

Mindfulness Questions for Clients
 What am I feeling?
 What is triggering it?
 Am I safe (emotionally and physically) now? If not,
what do I need to do?
 Is this bringing up something from the past?
How is this situation different?
How am I different?
How can I silence my inner critic?
 What would be a helpful reaction that…
Moves you more toward your goals
Moves you toward a positive emotional experience

Summary
 Core beliefs about self, others and relationships
are formed in early life
 Due to children’s lack of knowledge, other
experiences and primitive cognitive abilities,
these core beliefs are often dichotomous.
 Core beliefs can be formed around
events/experiences outside of conscious memory
 Identifying and being mindful of abandonment
triggers in the present can help people choose
alternate, more helpful ways of responding.

Love Me Don't Leave Me | Addressing Abandonment Fears

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