Understanding & Responding to Bullying Part II


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Second night of the parent workshop

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  • As a mom I think one of the best things we can do to help prevent bullying is set a good example. And I believe that we can help our children prevent bullying before it starts by creating classroom communities in which children's love and belonging needs are met. We need to teach children how to care about each other, how to use kind words, how to support each other's learning. As a way of helping everyone especially the parents, who find it quite hard to manage time, I found this great application which featured a safety app which gets me connected to a Safety Network or escalate my call to the nearest 911 when needed, it has other cool features that are helpful for your kids with just a press of a Panic Button. Check it here: http://www.SafeKidZone.com/
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Understanding & Responding to Bullying Part II

  1. 1. Understanding & Responding to Bullying Part II Understanding the bully & targets Helping the bully & targets Parents & schools Activities from “A Parent’s Guide to Understanding and Responding to Bullying” (The Bully Busters Approach) By: Arthur M. Horne, Jennifer L. Stoddard, and Christopher D. Bell
  2. 2. Let’s have a QUICK Review Part I • Increasing Your Awareness • What Causes Bullying & What Can We Do? • Tools for Strong Families
  3. 3. What is Bullying? P—Bullying is purposeful I—Bullying is imbalanced C—Bullying is continual
  4. 4. Spheres of influence: which ones can you affect?
  5. 5. THE BIG QUESTIONS A way to successfully approach problems within your family (problem solving model) 1. What is your goal? 2. What are you doing? 3. Is what you are doing helping you achieve your goal? 4. If not, what can you do differently?
  6. 6. Understanding the Bully
  7. 7. Aggressive Bullying: 7 Characteristics • Most common overall and esp. among boys • Often plays on an expectation of harm & then the fulfillment thereof • Includes both physical and verbal aggression • Usually look for a peer audience but will not bully in front of adults
  8. 8. 1. Aggressive bullies initiate overt aggression • Need for an audience • Social reward (attention) • Accomplishes dual purpose—intimidation of target and bystanders
  9. 9. 2. Aggressive bullies have learned that bullying has payoffs • Why bully? Why not!!! • Means to achieving – Prestige – Power – Influence – Control • Risk vs. Reward—usually there are no consequences, but even those there are may be worth the risk
  10. 10. 3. Aggressive bullies are fearless, impulsive and coercive Lack/Find unrewarding • Ability to resolve conflicts peacefully • Ability to plan and execute decisions; reflection • Ability to be caring Coping Mechanism • Fearlessness • Impulsive action • Coerciveness, using threats and violence
  11. 11. 4. Aggressive bullies are adaptable and use multiple forms of violence • Hitting, kicking, other physical forms • Threat of physical violence • Damaging or stealing property • Creating cliques • Coercing others to join in • Inciting fear through veiled means • Often have reputations among peers and school personnel
  12. 12. 5. Aggressive bullies want to dominate others • Need for control • Need for power and influence • Easily irritated when they don’t get their way • Frustration leads them to attempt control of weaker students • Openly and/or privately attack targets • Taunt and isolate targets
  13. 13. 6. Aggressive bullies have little empathy for others • Suppress perception or do not perceive feelings of targets • This leads to feelings of distain/contempt/anger without regret • Feeling that targets deserve what they get
  14. 14. 7. Aggressive bullies see the world with a “paranoid eye” • Look at the world with suspicion • React to accidental slights or normal negative experiences (a low grade on an assignment, being pumped in the hall, etc.) – Unsettling and threatening to reputation – Disturb sense of control • Perceive these as personal offenses and deserving of revenge
  15. 15. Passive Bullying
  16. 16. Characteristics of Passive Bullies • Use covert or indirect aggression • Are generally dependent, insecure and anxious • Lack strong inhibitions against aggression • Commonly engage in social exclusion • Often participate in (but are unlikely to initiate) aggression • Lack social status among peers • Are “camp followers” and “hangers on”
  17. 17. Relational Bullying
  18. 18. Characteristics of Relational Bullies • Most common type among girls • Attempts to gain power, prestige and influence by excluding others • Uses exclusion to get even when they feel that they have been slighted or insulted • Manipulate social patterns • Spread rumors and lies
  19. 19. Cyberbullying • Follows children into their homes—even bedrooms • IMs, text messages, Facebook, email, blogs, chat rooms, online journals • Unsupervised and feeling of anonymity—can lead to greater cruelty than face-to- face interactions • Often unreported because children to not want to lose access to this private world
  20. 20. Sexual Harassment • Defined as unwelcome – sexual advances – Requests for sexual favors – Derogatory verbal slurs – Interfering with an individual’s academic or social functioning • Can be – Cross-gender – Same-sex
  21. 21. Helping Children Who Bully
  22. 22. Ten Warning Signs 1. Frequent initiation of fights 2. Disrespect toward authority figures 3. Lack of concern about whether other people’s feelings are hurt or even apparent pleasure from hurting others 4. Unwillingness to acknowledge mistakes or take responsibility for mistakes 5. Disregard for rules
  23. 23. Ten Warning Signs (Continued) 6. Lack of fear 7. Teasing or intentionally harming pets or other animals 8. Lying in order to get out of trouble or avoid negative consequences 9. Use of anger and aggression to get one’s own way 10. Unwillingness to trust or open up to others
  24. 24. What if My Child is a Bully? • Signal your disapproval of bullying • Signal your refusal to tolerate bullying in any form • Say what you mean and mean what you say • Develop your family environment so that people want to be in one another’s company • Support your child’s interests
  25. 25. Skills for Children Who Bully Parents play a critical role in helping children acquire the skills necessary to stop bullying. • MODEL • TEACH • TALK
  26. 26. Skills Training Process • Step 1: Model the skill for your child to observe • Step 2: Conduct a role-playing exercise in which the child enacts the skill • Step 3: Provide feedback on how well the skill was enacted and what might make it better • Step 4: Give your child “homework” to practice the skill in the real world
  27. 27. 3 Types of Impulsivity Intellectual •Children will think about what it is that they desire with increasing focus and intensity •Each thought fuels the next until action occurs Emotional •Behavior is driven by mood states •A child may become so overwhelmed with emotion that he may lose sight of his ability to think about the consequences of certain actions Physical •Feelings of tension in the body •Tingling, dizziness, headaches, or stomachaches •Bodily sensations are the most significant ways in which this child experiences the world
  28. 28. Impulse Control • Teaching children to recognize their “triggers”– the events, settings, feelings, and/or thoughts that usually lead to their impulsive actions—will help them recognize times they are in a situation that could lead to bullying behavior. • If a child can recognize the triggers, she can begin to recognize them as friends rather than foes and use them on the path toward developing better behavioral control.
  29. 29. When Your Child Loses Control… Ask your child the following questions: • What happened? • What were you thinking and feeling before you lost control? Give praise for self-awareness if trigger is identified and ask: • What could you do if you have these thoughts and feelings again instead of losing control?
  30. 30. Cognitive Retraining Bullies will benefit from learning to think in a different way (retrain the “paranoid eye”) •What happened? •Why do you think the person did that? •What are some other reasons the person might have done that?
  31. 31. Help Your Child Build Empathy While watching television/movies ask your child the following questions: • What do you think (insert character) is thinking? • What is he/she feeling? • How would you feel if this happened to you?
  32. 32. Problem Solving STOPP S—Stop: Stop, settle down, and be calm T—Think: Think about the problem and your goals O—Options: Think about the options or solutions to the problem P—Plan: Examine the consequences of different options, choose the best plan, and do it P—Plan working? If yes, great! If not, try a new plan! OR…try The Big Questions (from Part 1)
  33. 33. Understanding the Target a
  34. 34. Passive Targets • Not actively doing anything to contribute to their victimization and have little responsibility for the outcome • To some degree it is a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time • Often feel threatened, scared, denigrated, humiliated, defenseless, and vulnerable
  35. 35. Passive Target Characteristics • Generally have low self-esteem • Describe their experience as one of social isolation and abandonment • Tend to be smaller and have less developed physical skills • May be targeted because of intellectual abilities • May be of lower socioeconomic status • Appear more anxious, nervous, and insecure than their peers
  36. 36. Provocative Targets Engage in behaviors that will actually provoke others to pick on them, tease them, or engage in physical fighting Characteristics include: Purposefully does things that irritate others or otherwise initiate aggression Want to be seen as influential and important Often strive to get other children in trouble Generally, are negatively viewed by peers and school staff Are at risk for serious injury if their behavior escalates
  37. 37. Targets of Relational Bullying When someone is systematically excluded from a group or ignored by peers. An attempt to join the clique or group is often rejected Experience being ignored, treated as nonpersons, and help in contempt Common among girls and increases as children get older, develop effective social skills, and have a better understanding of exclusion Often overlooked because it is not apparent
  38. 38. Apply the PIC Criteria to Relational • (P) Is it purposeful? Relational bullying is intentional and is often well planned. • (I) Is there an imbalance of power? Clearly, those who are doing the excluding have power over the child who is denied participation • (C) Is it continual? Relational bullying is rarely a single event. Once the persons doing the excluding have identified a target, they often continue to reject the individual
  39. 39. Bystanders People who witness or hear about bullying as also affected 2 possible reactions:  Afraid Fear that if they interfere they will become the target Should realize they possess alternative strategies and resources to help the target  Guilty Can result in shame and remorse which can lead to sadness and general avoidance of the conflict. “Learned helplessness”, feel they are unable to have impact on their life or other’s Students who intervene won’t always be successful and it may even escalate the situation. But children tend to listen to each other and empowered bystanders are often effective in stopping aggressive behaviors
  40. 40. Boys vs. Girls Boys • Typically more physical • Targets of violent and threatening behavior • Clearly observable Girls • Typically more relational bullying • Gossip, rumors, and social exclusion • More difficult to observe • Most common bystander
  41. 41. Helping Targets of Bullying
  42. 42. Ten Warning Signs 1. Physical signs of fighting 2. Frequent illnesses or trouble sleeping 3. Sudden decrease in school performance 4. Peer rejection 5. Depression, unexplained or uncontrolled crying, thoughts or talk of suicide 6. Avoiding certain groups at school, unwillingness to walk to or from school
  43. 43. Ten Warning Signs, continued… 7. Sudden and unexplained changes in request for lunch items 8. Development of tics, nail- biting or hair-pulling, bed- wetting 9. Truancy or refusal to go to school or other activities 10. Suddenly avoiding group activities (recess/lunch/ neighborhood gatherings)
  44. 44. Parents: how to help—7 methods 1. Prize your child • Do not overlook issues but deliver corrections respectfully – Give alternatives – Make it clear what behavior is unacceptable – Make your child feel valued and loved
  45. 45. Parents: how to help… 2. Praise your child • Avoid negative comparisons – Ideal versus real • Be affirming and supportive • Deliver 3 positives for every negative Activity: “Did you notice?”
  46. 46. Parents: how to help… 3. Promote humor • Avoid teasing each other over uncontrollable things (i.e., red hair, height, glasses, etc.) • Help children to learn and identify what is funny without being harmful
  47. 47. Parents: how to help… 4. Problem-solve instead of Punish • Punishment is often for the punisher—to right a perceived wrong • Involve your child in the process • Go back to the 4 questions & ask yourself if your punishments fit – Is it making your child more responsible? – Is it problem-solving?
  48. 48. Parents: how to help… 5. Practice what you preach • Kids rarely tell parents how large an influence they have because this is a betrayal of kid culture! • Your behavior, the way you treat friends, the way you treat strangers, what you say when you watch TV…. • Asking children to behave differently than you do teaches dishonesty • Admit your mistakes!!!
  49. 49. Parents: how to help… 6. Preserve your promises • Follow through and honor agreements • Necessary for the development of trust • Tell your child when you are doing things that involve him/her – i.e., when contacting the school about an issue
  50. 50. Parents: how to help… 7. Promote consistency • Children always test limits • Sometimes easier (but not better!) to give in than to engage in conflict • Keep firm limits! • Limits also give children a way to avoid tricky situations… – “I’d love to but my parents would kill me…”
  51. 51. Advice for targets Bad advice • Ignore it • Walk away • Fight back • Submit quietly Good advice • Try not to react intensely – This robs bully of emotional payoff • Respond atypically: not like a bully and not like a target. Throw them! • Don’t try to be invisible – Approach first • Empowerment! – Not to suggest that targets are responsible—just to give them the skills to combat what they encounter
  52. 52. Skills for targets Targets often lack communication skills for dealing with conflicts
  53. 53. Importance of friendships • Friends both insulate from bullying and teach coping skills • Bullied children often have trouble finding/ keeping friends because they have developed negative expectations of people • Low self-esteem leads to a cycle of social rejection and increased anxiety and desire to avoid social situations • Coach your child to identify negative expectations and form more positive ones. Some possible tips: – Make direct eye contact – Ask to join in informal activities – Good posture/confident body language
  54. 54. Assertive communication • Violates others’ rights • “You messages” • Causes defensiveness Assertive • Respects others— standing up for self • “I messages” • Causes reflection AggressivePassive • Does not express needs • Silence • Causes anxiety in self and social reward in bully
  55. 55. Passive, Aggressive and Assertive Responses • “I’m telling everyone you’re a thief.” • Hits the teaser • Runs and hits the offender in the back of the head Assertive • “I’m using my money for lunch.” • “Please stop teasing me—it isn’t funny.” • Says “Please stop” and follows up with an adult if necessary AggressivePassive • “Okay, here’s my money” • Does nothing when teased • Cries when shoved in the hall
  56. 56. Asking for help 1. Decide what the problem is – Who or what is causing it? – How do you feel when it happens? 2. Decide if you want help with the problem – Can you solve it on your own? 3. Who can help you? – List as many people as possible 4. Ask to speak to the person about the problem and discuss possible solutions
  57. 57. Help for bystanders Bystanders • Potential source of help for targets but also targets themselves • Experience fear and guilt, responsibility, remorse • Can feel depression, conflict avoidance and “learned helplessness” Empowering bystanders • Can best help through indirect intervention – Tell an adult – Express disapproval when it is safe to do so – Support target afterward – Talk about the incident with other bystanders
  58. 58. Parents and School Let’s work together! If your child is involved in a bullying situation it can be happening at school Schools have the responsibility to maintain a safe and comfortable learning environment for students Enlist the school’s assistance, seek solutions, and work cooperatively
  59. 59. Positive School Climate • Excellence in teaching • School values • Awareness of strengths and problems • Established policies and accountability • Caring and respect • Positive expectations • Support for teachers • Positive physical environment
  60. 60. Reporting a Bullying Situation Parents report that communicating bullying to a school is stressful If your child is being targeted  Often you hear it directly from the child or school staff  Parents want their child to be protected Use the BIG Questions to report the incident(s) Resolve peacefully and effectively! 1. What is your goal? Most likely to get your child safe; not to embarrass them further or create hostility between the school and family 2. What are you doing? Try to remain calm and keep focused on the goal. When someone acts out of anger outcomes are not good for anyone 3. Is what you are doing helping? Determine if your actions are assisting with keeping your child safe or not. 4. What else can you do? Maybe it is necessary to take time to establish a plan with your child first, determine who would be best to speak with first and express your genuine concern, call a Family Meeting to involve others in decision making
  61. 61. Reporting a Bullying Situation cont. If your child is engaging in bullying: • Typically hear from the target’s parents or the school • Understandably hard to hear • Often skeptical of what they hear • Child often denies or lessens any bullying-like behavior • Best to work with the school staff to find out the problem and establish a plan as effectively possible
  62. 62. Quesstion & Answer Reflection Time Comments