ACSA Conference breakout on trust and respect

1. Trust and Respect
Drama Triangle
How you show up Matters

3. If You’re the Leader,
You’re the Channel.
How YOU Show Up
To Engage, Empower, Equip,
and Evaluate People Matters.

4. When you stop seeing people as
problems and start seeing them as a
set of concerns, you can become the
solution to their concerns.

5. Great Educators…
Hold People Capable to
• Belong
• Grow
• Learn
• Aspire
• Achieve
• Succeed
Great Educators do this by
Understanding Human
Behavior and Dynamics.

6. • Sonder
• Trust and Respect
• Sincerity and Competency
• Drama Triangle and the Circle of Choice
Agenda: Trust and Respect and
Conversations

8. SONDER
• You are the main character—the protagonist—the star at the center of your own
unfolding story.
• You're surrounded by your supporting cast: friends and family hanging in your immediate
orbit.
• Scattered a little further out, a network of acquaintances who drift in and out of contact
over the years.
• But there in the background, faint and out of focus, are the extras. The random
passersby…each living a life as vivid and complex as your own.

9. Please write down a
name for each of the
following:
• Someone you connect
easily with
• Someone you struggle to
connect with
• Someone who is in left
field for you and you just
cannot connect with

10. • “Invisible Forces”
– Generational & Cultural Differences
– Landscape of Polarization and
Disconnection
– Rise of Social Media
– Speed of Technology
– 8 Billion People
• “Human Suit”
– Different Perspectives and Beliefs
– Body Language and Tone
– Judgments, Assumptions, Biases
– Moods and Pre-conceived Mental Models
– Reaction-oriented when under Pressure
– Blind to Human Condition
COMMUNICATION IS COMPLICATED.

11. Event + Response=
Outcome
E + R = O
This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC

12. “Between stimulus
and response there is
a space. In that space
is our power to choose
our response. In our
response lies our
growth and our
freedom.” -- Viktor E.
Frankl
This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC

13. Our job as educators –
to really engage the
Response-ABLENESS
of our team, students
and community
Event + Response=
Outcome
E + R = O
This Photo by Unknown Author is licensed under CC BY-SA-NC

14. We all agree that trust is essential our schools.
But, how do you build it?

15. FOUNDATIONS OF TRUST
FOUNDATIONS DESCRIPTIONS
CREDIBILITY
TRANSPARENCY
CONSISTENCY
Are you seen as believable and that you know
what you’re talking about?
Can people trust that you are open with them
& aren’t withholding things from them?
Can people count on you to reliably show up for
them over time?
People believe you care about what’s important to them

16. Building Trust

17. 2 Minute "SPRINT" WRITE
Make a list of people with whom you
communicate.

18. THE EGG OF
TRUST AND
RESPECT.

19. Golden Rule?
Stephen and Greg
Case Study

20. Meet Stephen and Greg who are former work salesmen who happen to run into each other at the golf course
on a humid summer afternoon.
Stephen walked the length of the driving range to greet Greg. “Hey Greg!” he said, “How is your leg?”
Greg had recently torn his Achilles’ tendon and it happened to be the first time back on the driving range.
Still in his large black plastic boot, Greg said, “Oh, it’s my first time out in 8 weeks. I’ve been cooped up at
home and just got released to leave the crutches behind. Man. . . it feels good to get out of the house. I have been
itching to hit some balls!”
Stephen tilted his head a bit and interrupted, “yeah, OK, but how is your leg?”
Greg continued to talk about how his vacation had been interrupted and the whole summer had been
impacted.
Stephen interrupted again, “yeah, OK, but how is your leg?”
Then it hit Greg. He had worked for years with Stephen and knew he was a direct communicator, focused
on factual, direct responses. He wasn’t a small talker, storyteller, or really even interested in personal matters.
And when it came to describing feelings, emotions, or anything internal, Stephen never cracked. Crap, thought
Greg. That was awkward. Why did I keep blabbering on when I know that answer doesn’t work with Stephen?!?!
He just wants to hear about my leg.
Greg gave the answer HE would have liked to have heard, had he been the person asking the question.
Stephen was attempting to connect with Greg, but really just wanted an answer about his leg, not all the details
about Greg’s world surrounding the recovery of his leg. A quick, simple answer, like: It’s tough but getting
better—I’m on week 8 of the recovery.
Now, there is nothing here that either person did “wrong.” This example illustrates what Greg could do
differently to connect and communicate better to the person we’re with most effectively.

21. Does everyone want
to be treated the
same as you?
THE
GOLDEN
RULE.

22. Treating others how you want to
be treated fails 3 out of 4 times.
OUCH!
THE
GOLDEN
RULE.

23. How do I know how
THEY want to be treated?
THE PLATINUM
RULE.

24. Both parties willing to accept the promises made by
the other, based on the following two considerations:
SINCERITY
AND COMPETENCY.
SINCERITY
What kind of a person?
Do you have integrity?
Will you have my back?
COMPETENCY
What kind of skills?
Are you any good?
Will you get it done?

25. 1. SINCERITY
2. COMPETENCY 2. SINCERITY
1. COMPETENCY
But, we don’t all build
trust in the same
order!
THE ELEMENTS OF
TRUST.

26. Hi Devonte!
I’m SOOOO sorry– I didn’t update my calendar and dbl booked myself. Gah. Could
we reschedule our Monday meeting when we’re in Dallas? Headed out to Napa
this weekend and jamming to get those reports I owe you before I leave.
Have a great weekend- say hi to Marcy for me!
Devonte
Q4 Sales Meeting and Reports

27. Devonte,
Unfortunately, I am double booked during our meeting and cannot move the other
appointment. Could we reschedule when we’re in the Dallas airport on Monday? In
addition, could we use some of our airplane time to achieve the following:
1. Outline the presentation before having Amy build the deck?
2. Review the last proposal to ensure that we are aligned around our deliverables?
Thank you! Have a good weekend
Devonte
Q4 Sales Meeting and Reports

28. TAKING A
STRATEGIC
APPROACH.
LOOKS LIKE SOUNDS LIKE
Competency
Work-
related
Credibility-
oriented
Business-focused
Facts/The point
Sincerity
Photos/
People
Expressive
Storytelling
Relating
/Connecting

29. HOW DOES
THIS SHOW
UP IN THE
“WILD”?
SINCERITY LANGUAGE CUES
• Inclusive
• Relational
• Curious
• Creative & expressive
• Loyal
• Impulsive
COMPETENCY LANGUAGE CUES
• Clean
• Concise
• It’s based around assessment
• Credentials
• Intentional – to the point
• Skeptical
• Rational

30. HOW DOES THIS
SHOW UP IN THE WILD?
INCLUSIVE & BUSY EXPRESSIVE & FUN STYLISH & CLEAN
FUNCTIONAL
& IMPERSONAL

31. COMPETENCY SINCERITY
Type of
Communication Executive summary/details
Relationship-oriented
reminder
Location to Meet
Their office/conference
room
Coffee shop, drinks,
take a walk
Starting a
Conversation
Where would you like to
start?
I don’t want to
waste your time…
Let’s get right to business.
How was your weekend?
I’d love to hear about your
team.
Where did you grow up?
Acknowledgement Great ideas, I learned a lot! Great working with you!
TRUST BUILDING
CHEAT SHEET.

32. Sincerity Competency
which one do you lead with?

34. Review Your List
What did you learn?

35. Engage
Know Their Communication Style
Understand & Include Them &
Their Voice
Steward Trust and Respect
Empower
Know What Motivates Them
Honor Their Value
Hold Them Capable
Give Responsibilities
Equip
Training & Integration
Skill Building & Practice
Strategy
Tools & Resources
Evaluate
Defined Roles & Expectations
Clear Measurements to Improve
Honest Feedback & Dialogue
Agreements
Tool: 4 E’s
Creating Healthy Teams and Individuals

36. Drama Triangle and the
Circle of Choice
How we choose to engage changes the outcome.

37. • 3 Roles (not people)
• Not responsible
• Powerless
• Dynamic
The Drama Triangle.
BLAME PARADIGM
Victim
Persecutor Rescuer

38. The Drama Triangle

40. It’s your choice.
• 1 Role (you)
• Response-able
• Create your own reality
• Power to change
OUR OPTIONS.
CHOICE PARADIGM
YOU

41. • At effect
• Drama
• Fear
• No responsibility
• At cause
• Action
• Love
• Response-able
DRAMA TRIANGLE DYNAMIC
AND CIRCLE OF CHOICE.

42. • You are the author of your reality.You have a choice about
how you engage with your stories.You can evaluate how
you have shown up in the past and reflect on when your
relationships and communication failed and when it thrived.
You can create a story—a hopeful one that you want to happen in this present moment.Whatever
comes your way, you can always feel, think, and interpret information
differently.You always have choice in how you show up with people at work and beyond.
• You are response-able.You were born with a prefrontal
cortex that is gifted with metacognition, the ability to think
about thinking and make different decisions.The lion doesn’t
evaluate her behavior when she pounces on the gazelle.
You are not a reactive lion.You are (now) aware of AMY and the DramaTriangle.You can disrupt your
reactions when hijacked.
You can extract yourself from toxic relationship dynamics by refusing to play one of
the three roles.

43. • Persecutor
• Victim
• Rescuer
• Challenger
• Creator
• Coach
What’s your Starting Gate when the Pressure
is High?

47. What are your
Key Learnings?