Our 16 page booklet and guide to Emotional Intelligence.

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Emotional Intelligence
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2. We have seven big ideas about EI for you in this booklet.
At the back there are links to things you can read, watch or
listen to if you want to dig deeper. But before you dive in,
here’s a simple summary of what EI is all about:
A set of emotional and social skills that influence the way we:
› perceive and express ourselves
› develop and maintain relationships
› cope with challenges, and
› use emotional ‘information’ effectively
It’s hard to overstate the importance of
Emotional Intelligence (EI). And even harder
to say precisely how much it influences our
success in navigating situations, relationships
and careers. Daniel Goleman – one of the
godfathers of EI responsible for its
popularisation in the 1990s – explains it
matters more than IQ in such realms as love
and leadership. He knows a thing or two
about EI, so let’s agree EI matters – a lot!
EI{
Contents
Who is in Charge? 2 - 3
Self-Perception 4 - 5
Self-Expression 6 - 7
Interpersonal 8 - 9
Decision Making 10 - 11
Stress Management 12 - 13
Balance & Progress 14 - 15
Links & Ideas to Explore 16
Acknowledgement
We have used the MHS Emotional
Quotient (EQ) model throughout this
publication. On each double-page
spread there is advice to ‘pay attention
to three things.’ These relate to
MHS’ EQ elements.
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“ How about this slogan:
‘If you are unhappy for any reason we will feel really bad’. ”

3. We can think of healthy EI as our
skillset in managing our response to
the stimuli that bombard us every
moment. Being blessed with – or
having learned to develop – EI means
we do better in influencing or shaping
our emotional responses.
This matters in the workplace. Good
leaders have their act together and
connect well with people. Change can
seem overwhelming unless we have
learned to be resilient. Working well
with colleagues and clients requires
rapport and engagement skills.
The first step to improving your
EI requires paying full attention to
how you respond now. Being mindful
of your sense of self, your relationships
with others or how you respond to
difficulties is the first step to
regaining a bit of control.
Here are six things you can begin
monitoring today. When each of
these scenarios occurs, try to pay
attention to what’s happening
inside you. (And choose the
emoticon that fits best your
emotional state!)
Who is in Charge?
Our emotional responses to people, actions and
situations can seem automatic. Your least favourite
relative announces she is coming to stay for a week.
In an instant your blood pressure climbs and
there’s an outpouring of righteous indignation.
When you have to make a crucial decision.
notes:
ADD YOUR
EMOTICON SCENARIO
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If you are excited by something or someone.
notes:
Walking into a room to start an important meeting.
notes:
Finding out that some work has gone wrong, or that there is a complaint.
notes:
How you feel about your day as you finish work.
(Or how you feel as you start work.)
notes:

4. If Self-Perception is weak, we may
not be ‘in touch’ with ourselves, and
perhaps feel confused. Above all we
may lack confidence in who we are
or what we can achieve.
Pay attention to
three things:
› Self-Regard – your sense of identity
and how much you respect yourself
› Self-Actualisation – the degree
to which you feel motivated and
focused on achieving things
that matter
› Emotional Self-Awareness – being
able to identify, describe and explain
your emotions
Self-Perception
It’s healthy and helpful to have a positive, confident
view of yourself and your ability to lead a meaningful life.
(So long as you’re not delusional of course! Think Alan
Partridge.) Even better is to have a solid understanding
of what you’re about, and to recognise how you respond
emotionally to people and events. This is Self-Perception
and it is the bedrock of building EI.
If you want to take a giant
leap towards enhancing
Self-Perception, then take
up the Big Rocks challenge.
The story is told by Steven Covey
(he of the habits of highly effective
people fame) about a prof showing
his students a large jar filled to the
brim with rocks. ‘Is it full?’ The
students say ‘Yes!’ The prof pulls
out a box of gravel and tips it into the
jar. And the gravel finds its way
between the rocks until it reaches
the brim. ‘Is it full?’ The students say
‘Yes’ again, but with less conviction.
Again the prof pulls out a box,
this time with sand, which finds
its way in between the rocks and
gravel. Full? The students are
really not sure now. Out comes
a jug of water, and in it goes.
‘The lesson?’ asks the prof.
‘However busy we are, we can
always fit in more.’ ‘Wrong! If you
don’t put in the big rocks first, you
won’t ever be able to fit them in.’
Identify what matters, and put that
in first. Otherwise the stuff – gravel
& sand – will always fill up the space.
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5. Nothing defines us as humans more than our drive
and ability to communicate with one another.
Giving voice to our thoughts, feelings and opinions
and doing so honestly is a core element of EI.
Pay attention to three things:
› Emotional Expression
how comfortable you
are expressing emotions
and the range of words
you can use to do so
› Assertiveness
being able to say what
you think constructively,
and being firm or direct
when you need to.
› Independence
being decisive and
free from emotional
dependency on others
(i.e. not being ‘needy’)
Self-Expression
1. Speak clearly
In EI terms, this means saying
‘No’ when you need to!
2. Speak easily, but not too much.
Give others their turn
If you’re confident and comfortable
– as well as socially aware – you
don’t need to hog the conversation.
3. Do not interrupt
It’s a conversation, not a contest.
4. Be courteous
Think about how best to say what
you need to say and be in sufficient
control to show good manners.
5. Deal seriously with
serious matters, gracefully
with lighter ones
Use your antennae to judge
the situation.
6. Never criticise people
behind their backs
Gossip is out!! And if you have
feedback for someone, show some
mettle and say it to their face.
(Remembering rule number 4.)
7. Stick to subjects of
general interest
So you don’t bore the pants
off people.
8. Do not talk about yourself
Well, maybe just a little bit. But it is
a sign of self-confidence and social
awareness that you can restrain
the ‘me-me-me’ impulse.
9. Never lose your temper
Remember, you need to be in
control of your emotions, not the
other way around.
Writing a couple of millennia ago, the Roman sage Cicero put together the all-time
top list of rules for engaging in conversation.
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6. Dale Carnegie’s book, ‘How To Win
Friends And Influence People’ has
sold over 15 million copies since its
publication in 1936. Really the first
‘self-help’ book, it sets out some
eternal wisdom about how to build
vital bonds with others:
1. Become genuinely interested
in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person's name
is, to that person, the sweetest
and most important sound in
any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage
others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other
person's interests.
6. Make the other person feel
important – and do it sincerely.
Interpersonal
Arguably the attribute that best characterises
EI is the set of skills associated with
Interpersonal functioning. How well we
connect with and relate to others is at the
heart of why EI is important to success.
Pay attention to
three things:
› Interpersonal relationships –
investing time and energy in
establishing high quality
relationships; being sociable and
trustworthy
› Empathy – listening attentively to
others and ‘tuning in’ to them;
responding sensitively and
compassionately to others’ needs
› Social responsibility – being a co-
operative, contributing member of a
team, group, organisation or
community; demonstrating a healthy
regard for social norms and the
‘greater good’
Whether you’re a full-on extrovert
or more a quieter introvert, we can all
improve our connectivity with others
through practice.
Here’s a simple idea you can try every
day at the coffee store. When ordering,
think about where the coffee came
from, and who might have grown it.
Instead of simply transacting your
business with the barista, be curious,
and engage them in conversation. Pay
full attention to them, smile, and be
interested in their world. It takes but a
few minutes. Do it often and as you get
comfortable, do it often at work and
elsewhere too.
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7. When you drive home from work with
the radio on full blast, singing along to
the songs, and then realise you got
home without remembering the
journey – that’s System 1 at work.
But when reverse parking into a tight
space, you stop listening to the radio
and concentrate on the difficult task
at hand – that’s System 2.
We need to utilise emotional
information in decision making and
remain grounded, objective and
focused on data when necessary.
In others words, we should be able to
exercise some degree of regulation
when required. When we cannot, we’re
likely to miss important information or
jump to conclusions. But it’s a tough
gig. As Daniel Kahneman says,
Decision Making
Emotionally Intelligent decision making requires that
we work at two seemingly opposite things in tandem.
There’s an intuitive, emotional and automatic
response. And there’s an effortful, rational,
deliberate response. Daniel Kahneman – Nobel
Prize Winner for his work on the subject – calls
these two approaches System 1 and System 2.
We’re blind to our blindness. We
have very little idea of how little we
know. We’re not designed to.
“
Pay attention to
three things:
› Problem Solving – using emotional
information to solve problems;
staying focused on finding a solution
from the options available
› Reality Testing – being grounded,
objective and making sensible
decisions; validating thoughts and
emotions against facts and data
› Impulse Control – acting and
thinking in a composed, deliberate
and patient manner; being
predictable and avoiding rash or
impulsive decisions or actions.
Training your intuition means accepting
feedback and being open to learning.
As Kahneman’s quote makes clear –
it’s often hard to recognise when we’re
going wrong. So, it matters to seek out
and assimilate feedback from others
and from objective sources.
Improvement in decision making from
an EI viewpoint comes from training
your mind to exercise more active
control when it is most needed – for
example, when you sense you are
becoming overly emotional. It’s hard
and requires commitment, practice
and disciplined effort.
Two world-famous experiments and
the work linked to them will set you on
your way. ‘The Marshmallow Test’ is
the popular name (and book title) for
the work on self-control by Walter
Mishchel. Its focus is on Impulse
Control. ‘The Invisible Gorilla’ by
Christopher Chabris and Daniel
Simons explores our blindness to things
that are right in front of us. Its focus is
on Reality Testing and Problem Solving.
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! !

8. Resilience is learned more than it is
taught. And we learn it by confronting
the brutal facts in any situation. Some
might wish to prevent any adverse
situation occurring by anticipating and
resolving all future risks. However, this
can lead to ‘protect’ culture rather than
a ‘become stronger’ culture.
Diane Coutu in her research
identifies three key characteristics
of resilient people:
1. They face down reality
really face it and accept it
2. They search for meaning
Viktor Frankl, using his
experiences in a concentration
camp to help develop his later
scientific theories, wrote
Our question must consist, not in talk
and meditation, but in right action and
in right conduct. Life ultimately means
taking the responsibility to find the
right answer to its problems and to
fulfil the tasks which it constantly sets
for each individual.
3. They have ritualised ingenuity
a willingness and an ability to flex,
adjust, adapt and be inventive.
Stress Management
Setbacks, challenges, conflicts and change test our
emotional mettle. More than coping, healthy EI
suggests a level of resilience – a capability to pick
yourself up, dust yourself down and make
progress towards a worthwhile goal.
Pay attention to
three things:
› Flexibility – being open to change;
adapting and seeing change as
refreshing or necessary
› Stress Tolerance – using a range of
coping strategies when under stress;
managing your emotional state
› Optimism – being positive and
seeing the good in things; being
confident in yourself and others
Learning resilience might be a little like
building muscle strength. Begin with
small ‘weights’ – for example,
confronting minor conflicts, or facing
down a relatively small difficulty. When
we first lift weights our muscles hurt –
they are being broken down but will be
re-built stronger. So it will be with
these conflicts and difficulties. We will
feel a little sore today, but better able
to cope tomorrow.
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9. Still, strengths can be over-used or
distort how we perform, especially if
they are not in balance with other
elements of EI. Here are two examples
of where very strong EI can lead to
unintended results:
› Impulse Control – some people
may appear to lack spontaneity,
or seem to react too slowly to
emerging situations.
› Emotional Expression – there may
be cases where people might
overwhelm others or share
inappropriate information.
If you recognise a strength in your EI
repertoire, just check if there is a price
you pay for it, or if it has some
unintended consequences. When the
answer is ‘yes’ think about what other
aspect of EI needs enhancing to
counter-balance this. For example,
if your Optimism is so high you
sometimes ignore evidence or
inconvenient problems, then look to
improve your Reality Testing. This
might mean considering situations
from other perspectives to help
improve your objectivity.
Balance & Progress
Generally speaking, it is healthy to have well developed
EI attributes. You may have real strengths in some
particular areas. Perhaps you have strong Empathy
and can do a brilliant job of walking a mile in another
person’s shoes. Or you have a well-developed sense
of Self-Actualisation – able to find meaning in your
work and drive towards worthwhile goals.
Going from greater self-awareness to enhanced personal and interpersonal
effectiveness is a journey of five steps.
Adapted from MHS EQi manual
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Recognition of internal feelings
Belief in and respect for oneself
Action orientation
Understanding the source of feelings
ES, SR, SA and RT
ES = Emotional Self-Awareness
RT = Reality Testing
ST = Stress Tolerance
IC = Impulse Control
RE = Social Responsibility
SR = Self Regard
OP = Optimism
EE = Emotional Expression
IR = Interpersonal Relationships
SA = Self-Actualisation
FL = Flexibility
PS = Problem Solving
EM = Empathy
Management of own thoughts & feelings
Good self-care practices
Effective stress management
Alignment of thoughts, feelings & actions
Effective expression of internal self
OP, FL, ST, & EE
Use emotions
Maintain objectivity
Maintain composure
PS, RT and IC
Emotional connection
Trust, compassion & empathy
Willingness to compromise where needed
Appreciate differences
IR, EM and RE
Emotional & social functioning
Self-actualisation
Well-being
Performance
Self-Awareness 01
Self-Management 02
Emotional Management 03
Effective Relationship 04
Personal & Interpersonal
Effectiveness 05
AND RESULTS IN
PLUS
IS RELATED TO
WHICH IMPACTS

10. Emotional Intelligence in General
Read ‘Search Inside Yourself’, by Chade-Meng Tan
(Google’s Chief Happiness Officer!)
Follow Daniel Goleman’s posts on LinkedIn
Self-Perception
Look into the subject of mindfulness and find out about techniques
for improving how you pay attention to what is happening.
Self-Expression
Read this article in The Economist on the art of conversation
http://www.economist.com/node/8345491
Links & Ideas to Explore
Interpersonal
Watch ‘It’s Not About The Nail’ on YouTube
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
Visit the Center For Non-Violent Communication founded by
Marshall Rosenberg https://www.cnvc.org/about/marshall-rosenberg.html
Watch Brené Brown’s video on the RSA website on empathy
https://www.thersa.org/discover/videos/rsa-shorts/2013/12/Brene-
Brown-on-Empathy/
Decision Making
Visit The Invisible Gorilla website at
http://www.theinvisiblegorilla.com/index.html
Read ‘The Marshmallow Test’ by Walter Mischel
and look at the video at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QX_oy9614HQ
Stress Management
Read Diane Coutu, ‘How Resilience Works’
https://hbr.org/2002/05/how-resilience-works
Read Viktor Frankl, ‘Man’s Search For Meaning’ – about his experiences in
a concentration camp and the development of his theory – Logotherapy
Watch Bob Newhart, ‘Stop It’ video (a little light relief!)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arPCE3zDRg4
Balance and Progress
Invite feedback from colleagues, family and friends.
Compare their sense of you with your own.
Take an EI questionnaire, reflecting on the results and
considering ways to improve.
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