The document provides information and guidance from a licensed therapist on building regulation and resilience for families with adopted children. It discusses expanding a child's "window of tolerance" through caregiver attunement, agreement with a child's feelings, and techniques for helping a child return to a regulated state. The document also offers advice on self-care, developing family rituals, and dealing with uninformed opinions from professionals.

1. 2016 Reset Day
Brandy Vanderheiden, MFT, SEP

2. How do we ?
1. Take a step back (and a deep breath)
2. Fill up your stores
• Rest, rest and more rest
• Reconnect
• Play
3. Learn
• Review
• Set aside what you’ve been doing
• Open to new ideas
• Blend what was working before with what you
learn

3. Plan for today
1. Play
2. Learn
3. Expand our
tool kit
4. Support each
other

4. About me
 Licensed MFT
 Somatic Experiencing Practitioner
 10 years with CHAC’s FIRST 5 program
(families with kids 0-5)
 5 years counseling in schools
(elementary and high school)
 4 years mentoring by Steve Terrell
 13 years teaching yoga
www.brandyvanderheiden.com

5. Our Group Today:
 Age of your child at adoption and now
 Supports in place
 Challenges:
◦ How challenging are things with your child
now?
◦ Is your child more likely to have loud
outbursts, withdraw or both
◦ Does your child have medical/health
challenges?

6. The content is shaped by you
 Write down things you want to make
sure we cover on a post-it and bring it
to the board

7. 2016 Family Resolutions
1. Self Care Plan
2. Wish list for family
3. 1-2 New things to try
Think: specific, realistic and actionable

8. Building Regulation and Resilience
1. Family Nervous System
◦ When one part of the system changes, the rest
changes too (resistance to change is normal =
homeostasis)
2. Window of Tolerance
◦ When we are in it, there is regulation. When we are
out of it, there are symptoms, management strategies
and/or chaos
3. Attunement
4. How to shape and build regulation
5. Temporary shifts lead to long-term change

9. Window of Tolerance
Somatic Signs
Regulation
Repair and clean up
Ease
Grounded/settled
Pain symptoms lower
Mental-Emotional Signs
Calm
Curious
Playful
Relaxed
Relational
Behavioral Signs
Cooperation
Completion of tasks
Spontaneity
Empathy is available
Creativity emerges
Bandwidth can be very narrow – our goal is to expand it, but first
we have to be in it!

10. Outside Window of Tolerance
Stuck in collapse
Stuck in over-activation
Over-activation Signs
Anger
Anxiety
Lack of cooperation
Explosions
Low patience/tolerance
Outwardly sensitive
Collapse Signs
Sullen/depressed
Compliant
Procrastination
Shut down
Nonverbal
Withdrawn

11. Learn to recognize state
 Are they in/out of window of
tolerance?
 Are they in fight/flight or
collapse/freeze?
 How activated are they? What clues
do I have about their current capacity?
 Are symptoms and
coping/management strategies being
used?

12. To build regulation:
 Our job is to recognize when we or our
children are outside the window of
tolerance and then have tools to help
get back.
1. Attunement
2. Agreement
3. Making shifts in the moment to support
regulation
4. Slowing down…a lot

13. Attunement
 Critical to healthy development
 Forms child’s worldview as safe,
dangerous, trustworthy or unreliable
No matter what your child’s experience
was at birth, attunement now is a key
factor in healing.

14. Healthy
Attunement:
Baby wakes and
has need
Caregiver
accurately reads
cues and meets
need
Baby goes back to
sleep
*This process, when repeated many times is the foundation for healthy
capacity for self-regulation.

15. Agreement Decreases Activation
• Disagreement
increases
activation! Even if
you’re disagreeing
with their negative
feelings.
• Agree with the
underlying feeling.
• Filter out content
and see child as
infant in crisis.
AgreementDisagreement
Activation

16. Attending to moment to moment
regulation:
 Look to change patterns:
◦ Spot rising activation sooner and respond
◦ Decreasing amplitude or length of waves of activation
◦ Observing small changes & attending to positive shifts
 Being with activation in a calm state, when
available, holding space through the upset
 Expand bandwidth over time with repeat exposure
to successful returns to regulation.

17. Build your regulation bank account
 Child led play 10-15 min each
day, both parents when possible
(no electronics).
 Snuggle time every night.
 Create rituals around separation
and reconnection.
 Reconnect every day when
they/you return home.

18. Dealing with trauma uninformed
people
 Track your own activation.
 You may know more than the professional.
 Have an “elevator response” ready about how
you’re working with your child in response to
advice & criticism.
 Develop filters – most professionals will be
giving advice that works for some children, but
not with developmental trauma. Stay true to
what you know is best for your child.

19. Resources
Bruce Perry
Stephen Porges
Peter Levine
Lawrence Heller/Aline La Pierre
Gabor Mate
Stephen Terrell
Brandy Vanderheiden
www.brandyvanderheiden.com
FB: Brandy Vanderheiden MFT SEP
Somatic Family Resilience