A emotion coaching introduction from Dr. Tina Rae Sebda

2. Why do we need this?
Building hope, resilience and
emotional regulation for all
children and young people
and those who support them

3. Mental health and well being
The ‘happier’ child?
What do we all want?

4. What is Emotional Intelligence?
The ability to:
• identify and understand your own emotions
• successfully use emotions during social interactions
• use your emotional awareness to guide you when solving
problems
• deal with frustration and be able to wait to get what you
want
• keep distress from overwhelming your ability to think
• be in control of how and when you express feelings

5. Why feelings matter – a warm up activity!
• Watch the clip ‘are you disrespecting me?’
• Identify the feelings going on underneath the
behaviour for:
• 1. the pupil
• 2. the teacher
• The importance of a meta-emotion
philosophy (Gottman 1997).

6. Emotional Intelligence

7. Why is emotional intelligence important?
• It allows you to have awareness and control over what you do
• Results in lower levels of stress, which is associated with
better health & stronger immune systems
• Enables more satisfying friendships and lasting intimate
relationships
• You can soothe yourself, and are therefore able to calmly
focus, concentrate and think when faced with a challenging
situation
• Makes you more resilient – change and stress are easier to
deal with

8. How emotional intelligence develops
• Influenced by environment and socialisation including
parents, sibling relationships, teacher influences, peer
relationships and others such as grandparents, carers and
childcare workers.
• Some children born with more difficult reactive
emotional styles.
• These children may need more input from parents/carers
to teach them to regulate and manage emotional styles

9. Represents standard strategies that parents use in bringing up their children
Evolves over time as the children develop their own personalities moving
through life's stages;
Is affected by both the parents' and children's temperaments;
Is largely based on the influence of one’s own parents and culture.
PARENTING STYLE

10. What is Emotion Coaching and Why is it
Important for Families?
• John Gottman has written a book on Emotion Coaching (EC) entitled “Raising
an Emotionally Intelligent Child”. EC is a technique that requires emotional
awareness and a specific set of listening skills.
• It develops “Emotional Intelligence” in young people; a term coined by
Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence.
• Multiple studies support the finding that one of the most significant
predictors of a child’s “success” as an adult is their ability to get along with
others; more salient than academic achievements/cognitive ability.
• Children who are emotion coached learn to trust their feelings, regulate their
own emotions, and solve problems.
• These young people are characterized by having high self esteem, they learn
well, and have better relationships because they are adept at reading and
understanding interpersonal communication cues.

11. Gottman’s Theory Extension of Dr Haim Ginott’s
Work with Children
• Much like athletic coaches, emotion-coaching
parents teach their children strategies for dealing
with life’s ups and downs.
• They don’t object to their children’s display of
anger, sadness, or fear
• Nor do they IGNORE them
• Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of
life and use these emotional moments as
opportunities for teaching their children important
life lessons and building closer relationships with
them.

12. What does he say?
• ‘helping children and young people to
understand the different emotions they
experience, why they occur and how to handle
them’ (Gottman 2007)
• How? Training practitioners and parents in
emotion coaching so that they can support
children’s capacity for pro-social behaviour and
emotional self regulation
• NB ‘support’ NOT ‘dictate’ – notion of COACH

13. Emotion coaching is not….
• A quick fix
• A panacea
• A substitute for specific interventions
• A therapy (i.e. we can ALL use it and develop
our skills)
• Disapproving or dismissive of emotions

14. What informs it?
• Neuroscience
• Physiology of the physicality
• Social constructivism
• It directly affects CYP’s capacity to self-
regulate through the recognition and
management of the physiology of emotional
response

15. What happens in and to our bodies?
Fight-flight-freeze-appease
response
• To fear, excitement, and
effort – is a NORMAL and
NATURAL hormonal
response
• Short term – essential
• Long term - damaging
The VAGUS nerve response
• Acts as a ‘break’ on bodily
functions
• Slows down the heart beat
and helps to return the
system to NORMAL

16. VAGAL TONE – is how well our fight/flight response and
vagus nerve are BALANCED and WORK TOGETHER
Good vagal tone
• Faster responses
• Faster information
processing
• Better concentration
• Return more easily to
normal resting state
• Less speedy responses
• Poorer processing
• Poorer concentration
• Difficulties in returning to
normal resting state
Poor vagal tone

17. Vagal tone activated by…
• Soothing
• Compassion
• Physical comfort
• EMPATHY
• Relationships teach us to SELF SOOTHE
• The environment AND genetics contribute to
our vagal tone

18. How can we help those with less developed
vagal tone/EL?
• Neurological resilience to self-soothe is
FOSTERED by the emotional climate in the
home and classroom

19. Emotion Coaching involves:
• Teaching them ‘in the moment’ about the
world of emotion
• Supporting the development of strategies to
deal with ups and downs
• Accepting ALL emotions as NORMAL
• Using moments of negative behaviour as
opportunities for teaching
• Building trusting and respectful relationship
with CYP

20. Anticipated Outcomes for Young People who are
Emotion Coached
• John Gottman of Washington and the Gottman
Relationship and Research Institute, offers the following
as a result of his 10 year longitudinal study of over 100
families:
• Develop ability to regulate their own emotional states.
• Develop methods to soothe themselves when upset.
• Learn to calm down their hearts faster and because of this
superior performance in managing this part of their
physiology.
• Tend to have fewer infectious illnesses.
• Better at focusing attention
• Enjoy better performance in school and healthier
relationships

21. Five Key Principles for Emotion Coaching
• Developing an awareness of child’s emotions
• Recognizing emotion as opportunity for teaching
and intimacy building
• Listening empathetically and validating children’s
feelings
• Helping the child verbally label emotions
• Setting limits while helping the child problem
solve

22. Assessing Your Parenting or teaching
Style
The path to becoming a better
parent or teacher, like almost every
road to personal growth and
mastery, begins with self
examination.

23. 7 Key questions – group discussion task
• 1. Did your parents treat sad and angry moments as natural occurrences?
• 2. Did your parents lend an ear when family members felt unhappy, fearful,
or angry?
• 3. Did your family use times of unhappiness, fear, or anger to show each
other support, offer guidance, and help each other solve problems?
• 4. Was anger always viewed as potentially destructive? If so, what did this
teach you about how to handle your anger? Are you taking this same
approach with your children?
• 5. Was fear looked on as cowardly? If so, how did you learn to handle fear?
• 6. Was sadness seen as self-pity in your family? What ways were you
taught to handle sadness?
• 7. Were sadness, anger and fear shoved under the blanket or dismissed as
unproductive, frivolous, dangerous, or self-indulgent?

24. Your style – quick activity
• Make use of the handout and work through
the scenarios on page 1 to assess your
parenting style
24

25. AUTHORITARIAN
(parents telling their children exactly what to do);
PERMISSIVE/INDULGENT
(parents allowing their children to do whatever they wish);
AUTHORITATIVE
(parents providing rules and guidance without being overbearing);
The fourth style was added lately
NEGLIGENT
(parents disregarding the children, and focusing on other interests).
3 PARENTING
STYLES
Diana Baumrind

26. PARENTING
STYLES
The four basic elements could help shape successful parenting:
RESPONSIVENESS vs. UN-RESPONSIVENESS;
DEMANDING vs. UN-DEMANDING.
Parents should develop rules for their children and be affectionate with them.
These parenting styles are meant to describe normal variations in parenting,
not deviant parenting, such as might be observed in abusive homes.
Most parents do not fall neatly in one category, but fall somewhere in the
middle, showing characteristics of more than one style.
Diana Baumrind has an interest in the connection between
the parental behaviour and the development of instrumental
competence
(the ability to manipulate the environment to achieve one's
goals).

27. AUTHORITATIVE
PARENTING
The parent is demanding and responsive..
called, also, 'assertive democratic or 'balanced' parenting;
Is characterised by a child-centred approach that holds high expectations of
maturity.

28. AUTHORITATIVE
PARENTS
Can understand how their children are feeling and teach them how to regulate
their feelings;
Help their children to find appropriate outlets to solve problems;
Encourage children to be independent but still places controls and limits on
their actions;
- try to be warm and nurturant toward the child;
- are not usually as controlling as authoritarian parents, allowing the
child to explore more freely, thus having them make their own decisions
based upon their own reasoning.

29. AUTHORITATIVE
PARENTS
Will set clear standards for their children, monitor the limits that they set, and
also allow children to develop autonomy;
Expect mature, independent, and age-appropriate behaviour of children;
Set limits and demand maturity, but when punishing a child, the parent will
explain his or her motive for their punishment. Discipline for misbehaviour are
measured and consistent, not arbitrary or violent;
Are attentive to their children’s needs and concerns, and will typically forgive
and teach instead of punishing if a child falls short.

30. AUTHORITATIVE
PARENTING
Outcomes = children having a higher
self esteem and independence
This is the most recommended style
of parenting by professionals.

31. AUTHORITARIAN
PARENTING
The parent is demanding but not responsive.
called, also, totalitarian parenting or strict parenting,
Is characterised by high expectations of conformity and compliance to
parental rules and directions, with little open dialogue between parent and
child;
Is a restrictive, punitive parenting style.

32. AUTHORITARIAN
PARENTS
Expect much of their child, but do not explain the reasoning for the rules or
boundaries;
Are less responsive to their children’s needs;
Demand obedience without explanation and focus on status.

33. AUTHORITARIAN
PARENTS
Outcomes = Children may have less social competence
In some cultures and ethnic groups (Asian) more positive child outcomes
If the demands are pushed too forcefully upon the child, the child may break
down, rebel, or run away, even lead to suicidal thoughts.

34. PERMISSIVE
/ INDULGENT
PARENTING
The parent is responsive but not demanding.
- called, also, permissive, nondirective or lenient;
Is characterised as having few behavioural expectations for the child.

35. PERMISSIVE
/ INDULGENT
PARENTS
Are nurturing and accepting, and are very responsive to the child's needs and
wishes;
Do not require children to regulate themselves or behave appropriately.

36. PERMISSIVE
/ INDULGENT
PARENTING
Outcomes = Children of permissive parents may tend to be more impulsive,
and as adolescents, may engage more in misconduct, and in drug use.
Also, in the better cases they are emotionally secure, independent and are
willing to learn and accept defeat. They mature quickly and are able to live
life without the help of someone else.

37. NEGLECTFUL
PARENTING
The parent is neither demanding nor responsive.
is also called uninvolved, detached, dismissive or hands-off
Neglectful parenting results from a variety of reasons:
the parent's prioritising themselves,
lack of encouragement on the parent's parts,
financial stresses,
lack of support and
addiction to harmful substances.

38. NEGLECTFUL
PARENTS
Are low in warmth and control, are generally not involved in their child's life;
Are disengaged, undemanding, low in responsiveness, and do not set limits;
Are dismissing the children's emotions and opinions;
Are emotionally unsupportive of their children, but will still provide their basic
needs;

39. NEGLECTFUL
PARENTING
Outcomes = Children develop the sense that other aspects of the parents’
lives are more important than they are.
Children often attempt to provide for themselves or halt depending on the
parent to get a feeling of being independent and mature beyond their years.
They become emotionally withdrawn from social situations (disturbed
attachment) and this impacts relationships later on in life.
In adolescence, they may show patterns of truancy and delinquency.

40. OTHER
PARENTING STYLES
“Family life is our first school for emotional learning” (Daniel Goleman).
”Parents are the first teachers who teach their children about emotional
intelligence: some parents are gifted emotional teachers, others atrocious”
(Daniel Goleman).
According to emotional intelligence concept introduced by Daniel Goleman,
John Gottman describes parenting styles using parents’ capabilities to help
their children regulate their emotions and desires, to motivate themselves, to
be sensitive to others’ needs and be able to cope with life’s stress.

41. OTHER
PARENTING STYLES
(Gottman)
The key element in parenting is how parents help their children develop
emotional intelligence.
Emotion Coaching
The parent acts like an athletic coach (emotion coaching)
Children learn to adjust appropriately in life’s situations, have good manners,
are able to identify, evaluate and express properly their emotions

42. OTHER
PARENTING STYLES
Emotion Coach
According to Gottman, the parent who has the attitude of the emotion coach
for the child will raise an emotionally intelligent child.
This process takes place in five stages.
Parents:
1. Are aware of the child’s emotions
2. Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and reaching
3. Listen empathetically and validate the child’s feelings
4. Help the child verbally label emotions
5. Set limits while helping the child problem-solve.

43. Five Key Steps to Emotion Coaching
1. Become aware of the child’s emotion and especially notice
lower intensity emotions such as sadness, disappointment or
frustration.
2. View these emotions as an opportunity for intimacy and
teaching and try not to be impatient with expression of
negative emotions
3. Communicate your understanding and acceptance of these
emotions
4. Help child use words to describe what they feel.
5. Help set limits or help problem solve. You may also
communicate that all wishes and feelings are acceptable but
some behaviours are not.

44. The teacher and Nurture leader as emotion
coach
• The emotionally literate professional
• Transfer of skills
• Empathic and nurturing community
• Key tools for behaviour management and
prevention of difficulties

45. A 3 stepped approach
1
• Step 1
• Using scripts
2
• Step 2
• Setting limits (if needed)
3
• Step 3
• Problem solving with the child

46. Step 1
Emotion coaching scripts – empathise, validate and label
I can see you get angry
when that happens. I
would feel angry if that
happened to me. It’s
normal to feel like that.
I can see that you are
frowning and kicking the
wall and you’re
expressing loads of
energy. I would be
feeling like that if I didn’t
want to do something.
I noticed you looking
round at the others who
are working on their
projects. I think you
might be feeling a bit
nervous at the moment
that your work might not
be okay. Have I got that
right?

47. Step 2
Setting limits on behaviour scripts
These are the
rules that we all
have to follow,
doing that is not
okay
We can’t behave
like that – even
though you are
feeling annoyed –
because it’s not
safe
You didn’t put the
ball away as we
agreed, you’re
probably angry that
you can’t play with
Billy now because
you have to stop
now

48. Step 3
Problem solving with the child/young person scripts
This isn’t a safe
place to be
angry. Let’s go
to a safe place
and then we can
talk
Next time you’re
feeling like this,
what could you
do? How do you
think you will react
if this happens
again?
You need to sit
next to Emma or
in front of me –
which do you
want to do?

49. Why emotion coaching improves behaviour
1. Emotion coaching is about responding to children
when their feelings are still at a low level of intensity,
which reduces the need for children to escalate their
emotions and behaviour and provides a more optimal
time to teach children about emotions.
2. If children are emotion coached from an early age
they become well-practiced at self-soothing. They are
more likely to stay calm, even when they are
experiencing strong emotions.

50. Why emotion coaching improves behaviour
3. Emotion coaching does not involve disapproval of
children’s emotions so there are fewer points of
conflict. At the same time, there are clear limits about
inappropriate behaviour – children know the rules and
the consequences for breaking them.
4. Emotion coaching creates a strong bond between
parents/carers/teachers and children, so children are
more responsive to their requests and feel respected
and valued.

51. Emotion tuning – part of emotion coaching
1. Notice the emotion
2. Clarify with a question
3. Reflect the emotion
4. Locate the emotion in the body
5. Empathise
6. Explore
Eg Were you scared when you couldn’t find me?
When Michael ignored you how did you feel?
I wonder if you were frustrated when I asked you
to share?

52. Discussion activity
• Thinking about your own parents or
reflecting on conversations with
friends ………………………………What are
some of the ways people can be
dismissive of emotions?
• Eg Telling you not to worry.

53. Ways of dismissing emotions
• Offer advice
• Ask why a child did or said what they did
• Tell a child not to worry
• Talk only about yourself
• Jump straight into problem solving
• Take the side of the other person instead of
listening to the child’s perspective
• Offer distractions

54. Emotion coaching communication
When you emotion coach you attend to the
emotions the child experiences. This involves:
• Thinking about how the child is probably feeling
• Possibly considering a comparable situation for
yourself
• Helping the child put a verbal label on the
feeling.

55. Emotion coaching communication
You may respond by asking:
• Did that make you feel _____ when ______?
• Were you feeling ______ when _______?
• It sounds like that made you feel _________?
You may also respond by reflecting how you would
feel in a similar situation
• That would make me feel ______ too.
• It makes me feel ______ when ______ happens
also.

56. Reflecting Feelings Statements
• It looks like you’re very happy.
• You seem a bit sad.
• I can see you are very frustrated.
• Are you feeling annoyed?
• It sounds like you were really scared.
• How did you feel when your toy was
taken?
• I wonder if you’re a bit annoyed?
• I bet that made you pretty grumpy.

57. Emotion Coaching
Empathic Name the Validate the
Statements = Feeling + Feeling

58. Emotion Coaching
Can pair comments about negative feelings
with positive coping statements
E.g. “I can see you’re getting really
frustrated when the tower keeps falling
over but you keep on trying and hopefully it
will stay up eventually.”

59. Avoid asking “Why?”
Avoid asking a child why they
are feeling a certain way
because they will often have no
idea or not have the words to
describe the reason.

60. Tantrums
• Upstairs tantrum
– Child decides to throw a fit
– Could stop if they wanted to
– Able to control emotions and make decisions
– May look out of control
– Needs firm boundaries and clear discussion about
appropriate and inappropriate behaviour
• Downstairs tantrum
– No longer able to use upstairs brain because so upset
– ‘Flipped their lid’ – amygdala has hijacked higher parts of
brain
– Needs nurturing, comforting and soothing
– No sense talking consequences or appropriate behaviour

61. Emotion coaching scripts
• Look at the examples of responses to trigger
situations
• Discuss
• What would you say?
• Is it important to utilise your own style?
• Why?
• Feedback

62. Emotion coaching scenarios
• You observe Braydon deliberately drawing on
Jordan’s picture. Jordan gets angry and hits
Braydon.
• Ezra comes in from playing outside crying and
saying that he’s lost his jumper
• Ceris suddenly scribbles all over her drawing
and says ‘I can’t draw. I’m so f….ing stupid’.

63. Problem solving re your child
• Refer to the handout, making use of the steps
of emotion coaching problem solving
63

64. References
• Corey, G.(2008). Theory and
Practice of Group Counseling (7th
ed.). Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole.
Thank you for listening and
participating
Any questions?

65. Resources
• Tuning in to Kids – emotionally intelligent parenting program by
Sophie Havighurst & Ann Harley (University of Melbourne,
2010)
• Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting
by John Gottman with Joan Declaire (Fireside Press 1997)
• The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture
Your Child's Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting
Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive by Daniel J. Siegel and
Tina Payne Bryson (Delacorte Press 2011)
• Bringing Up Great Kids Parenting Program – Australian
Childhood Foundation (2011)

66. If I Had My Child to Raise Over Again
If I had my child to raise over again
I’d build self esteem first and the house later
I’d finger paint more and point the finger less
I would do less correcting and more connecting
I’d take my eyes off my watch and watch my eyes
I would care to know less and know to care more
I’d take more hikes and fly more kites
I’d stop playing serious and seriously play
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars
I’d do more hugging and less tugging
I’d see the oak tree in the acorn more often
I’d be firm less often and affirm much more
I would model less about the love of power
And more about the Power of Love
Donna Lewis