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tame your JEALOUSY
A close friend is absolutely perfect - and it's driving you
crazy. Here's how to control your competitive streak and fix
the friendship. By Bethany Gumper
The Challenge
To get over your jealousy and keep your friendship intact Every woman has
that friend: She's gorgeous and smart, with a great job, a perfect boyfriend and a
body like Heidi Klum's. But beware - letting jealousy get the best of you can seri-
ously sabotage your relationship.
The Solutions
)' Recognize that your feelings are normal. We all feel jealous sometimes, says
Annette Annechild, Ph.D., author of / Gn Tell Her Anythinq: The Power of Grl Talk
(Marlowe & Co., 2OO5) and a psychotherapist based in Delray Beach, Fla., and
Washington, D.C Don't beat yourself up for an emotion that everyone experiences.
F Use your envy as a learning tool. Unless your pal is intentionally spurring
your jealousy (which would make her a lousy friend), your envy has more to do
with you than with her, says Marla Paul, the Chicago-based author of The Friend'
ship Cnsis; Finding, Makinq, and Keep'
inq Friends When YoLt're Nof a Kid
Anymore (Rodale, 2005). lnstead of
focusing on what she has that you
don't, cultivate your own talents and
interests, she suggests.
}' Listen to what your feelings are
telling you. Resist the temptation to
bottle up emotions - such as jeal-
ousy - that make you feel guilty.
lnstead, think of envy pangs as mes-
sages from your psyche, and hear
them out. "Jealousy tells you what
you may want for yourself, which
l-minute shapeovers
before
r You sulk at your company's potluck when
a culinary-whiz pal whips up a souffl6 that
puts your Sara Lee cheesecake to shame.
r You ask your pregnant friend, "Gee, how
much weight have you gained?" because
you're struggling with infertility and sick of
hearing her talk about baby clothes.
r You leave your friend's colossal home
upset after an evening of listening to her
dis your cozy studio apartment.
perhaps you hadn't even realized," Paul
says. Jealous of a friend's promotion?
Don't be ashamed by your feelings -
decipher them! Maybe you're not ful-
filled at work and need to get out of
your dead-end job. "A friend's success
can be a great motivator," Paul says.
)' Size up your jealousy: toxic or not?
Although occasional jealousy is normal,
constantly comparing dress sizes, bank
accounts or careers can do a number on
your self-esteem - and make you act
cruelly when you normally wouldn't. You
may suffer f rom toxic jealousy - the rela-
tionship-wrecking kind - if you find your-
self saying "You're wearing that?" to a
miniskirted friend whose weight loss you
envy, instead of "You look great!"
Resist the temptation to
bottle up emotions that
make you feel guilty.
> Speak up. lt's not easy, but if you
value the relationship, you should be hon-
est with your friend about your feelings.
"When you share your feelings, you give
your friend the opportunity to help you. lf
she turns on you,you need to re-examine
that friendship," Annechild says.
The Payotf
Your relationship with your "perfect"
friend - and all your relationships - will
improve once you know how to decode
your envy pangs. You'll nip toxic jeal-
ousy in the bud with honest communi-
cation, and your green-eyed monster
will soon be purring like a kitten.
after
r You congratulate your friend on her
cooking skills and ask if she would mind
giving you a few lessons in the kitchen.
r You explain your feelings honestly: "l'm
thrilled for you, but this is hard for me. I
need you to understand that and help me
out by talking about other things."
o You realize she is not such a good friend
and spend time with pals who don't make
you feel self-conscious about your pad.
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sz I strape your tife I sHnPE July 2oo5 | shape.com