Relationship Resiliency: The Key to Strengthening Your Relationship Amy just got a big promotion at work, and she rushes home to share the news with her partner Larry. She bursts in the door, her body language exuding celebration and excitement, and finds Larry in the basement, running his model railroad layout. Over the chugging and whistling of the train, she shares the big news.

2. Relationship Resiliency: The Key to
Strengthening Your Relationship
Amy just got a big promotion at work, and she rushes home to share the
news with her partner Larry. She bursts in the door, her body language
exuding celebration and excitement, and finds Larry in the basement,
running his model railroad layout. Over the chugging and whistling of the
train, she shares the big news.
More chugging and whistling.
"Larry, didn't you hear what I just said? I got the promotion! I'm head of
sales now!"

3. "Uh-huh," Larry says, not pulling his eyes away from the circling train.
"That's nice."
"Larry, what are you doing?" Amy screeches, her elation plummeting by the
second.
"What does it look like I'm doing?" Larry adjusts his conductor's hat. "I'm
running the 4:42. And could you step aside, babe? You're blocking the
light."
Let's peek in on another couple:
Donna races home to tell her husband Alex about how she landed the
biggest advertising contract of her career and of the firm itself.

4. Before she can even tell him the news, Alex reads her unmistakable physical
cues, puts down his hot glue gun and rushes to her side.
"I got the Wash' Wipe account!"
"That's wonderful, Donna! You worked so hard for this; you deserve it. We
have to celebrate. Tell me what you want to do, and I'll make the plans." He
spins her around the floor.
"Oh, I didn't mean to take you away from your work, honey," Donna says.

5. Alex glances at his work table and waves his hand at the Titanic model in
progress. "Ah, that can wait! After all, the real thing sunk ninety-five years
ago, right? Now, tell me all the details. Where were you when you found
out? And what did you say and...."
Big difference, right? Yes, but before you get your pitching arm ready to hurl
things at Larry, let's remember that we all have the potential for being
preoccupied and therefore presenting as curt and rude and uninterested.

6. On the flip side, we also have the potential for being attentive and
thoroughly interested and engaged--for being the partner we really want to
be. The first steps in making sure more of your interactions are like Alex's
are awareness and honest self-assessment. Hold onto the knowledge that
how you react when your partner shares good news is as important to the
health of your relationship as how you react when news is dire.
I'd like to share some interesting research by Shelly L. Gable, Ph.D. about
the effects of positive interactions on intimate relationships. This research
has implications for everyone in an intimate relationship.

7. Dr. Gable notes that most of the research on relationships has focused on
how couples respond to each other during stressful events. She has turned
this research on its head by examining how couples react during positive
events, and the impact that these interactions have on the well-being of the
relationship.
It's important for the partner listening to any good news from his/her partner
to respond in what Dr. Gable calls an active and constructive manner (rather
than responding passively by saying little or showing no enthusiasm).
Active and constructive responses build intimacy, trust and relationship
satisfaction. The benefits of you being truly supportive when your partner
shares positive events last well beyond the moment itself--active, supportive
interactions around positive events are also associated with fewer daily
conflicts in the relationship overall.

8. The research found that for men, relationship well-being is strongest when
their partners validate their positive experiences. For women, relationship
well-being is associated with receiving support for both positive and
negative experiences. What does this mean for you? If you're a woman, it
means you should take care to be responsive when your husband or
boyfriend shares positive experiences with you. And, for all you men out
there, you should pay attention and be responsive when your wives or
girlfriends discuss both positive and negative events.

9. When you respond in a supportive way to positive events in your partner's
life, you are highlighting your partner's strengths--the qualities that make
him/her feel effective and worthwhile. When you affirm your partner's
strengths, you make your partner feel better about himself/herself and the
relationship. And those good feelings your partner enjoys when you give of
yourself in this way will ultimately make you feel good, too. Positive
interactions also enhance the resiliency of the relationship; they bolster the
union so that it's stronger and better able to weather periods of stress down
the road.
Also keep in mind that being a supportive listener does not end with paying
attention. Be active as you listen by asking questions that show your mate
that you're really interested.

10. It's important to make sure your questions are relevant and well-timed
(interrupting your partner's enthusiastic explanation of events is a sure-fire
way to dampen the spirit). Offer validating statements, such as, "You've
spent so much time and energy on that project; you deserve to have your
efforts pay off." ; "I knew you could do it. I'm so happy for you! Tell me
everything that happened." These approaches help to deepen intimacy
between you and your partner and send the message that you care about
your partner's experiences--from the big picture right down to the small
details.

11. If you want to strengthen your relationship, heighten your awareness to all
of the positive events your partner experiences. When s/he shares positive
news, respond in a way that validates and recognizes his/her experience.
When you actively validate the positive events in your partner's life, you are
building a more satisfying and resilient relationship.

12. In Conclusion
I hope enjoyed the learning tips!
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