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Guilt and Shame
1. Guilt and Shame
Often, when we try to shame others or ourselves into changing a behavior, we
do so without understanding the differences between shame and guilt. This is
important because guilt can often be a positive motivator of change, while
shame typically leads to worse behavior or paralysis. Here's why:
Guilt and shame are both emotions of self-evaluation; however, that is where
the similarities end. The difference between shame and guilt is best understood
as the differences between "I am bad" (shame) and "I did something
bad" (guilt). Shame is about who we are and guilt is about our behaviors. If I
feel guilty for cheating on a test, my self-talk might sound something like "I
should not have done that. That was really stupid. Cheating is not something I
believe in or want to do." If I feel shame about cheating on a test, my self-talk is
more likely to sound like "I'm a liar and a cheat. I'm a bad person."
Guilt is holding an action or behavior up against our ethics, values and beliefs.
We evaluate that behavior (like cheating) and feel guilt when the behavior is
inconsistent with who we want to be. Shame is focusing on who we are rather
than what we've done. The danger of telling ourselves that we are bad, a cheat,
and no good, is that we eventually start to believe it and own it. The person
who believes that he/she is "no good" is much more likely to continue to cheat
and fulfill that label than the person who feels guilt.
2. Shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive behaviors than it is
to be the solution. It is human nature to want to feel affirmed and valued.
When we experience shame we feel disconnected and desperate for belonging
and recognition. It's when we feel shame or the fear of shame that we are more
likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors, to attack or humiliate others or to
stay quiet when we see someone who needs our help.
On the other hand, when we apologize for something we've done, make
amends to others or change a behavior that we don't feel good about, guilt is
most often the motivator. Recognizing we've made a mistake is far different
than believing we are a mistake. Of course, you can shame someone into
saying, "I'm sorry," but it's rarely authentic.
