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What were you thinking? 2
- 2. CHANGE
- 5. PUBERTY
- 6. Sampling
- 7. Testing
- 8. Concluding
- 9. Middle school is not this. And middle school is not this. Instead, middle school is this.
- 10. Mind Warp Cognitive Development
- 11. Cognitive Development CONCRETE THINKING results in a rigid, black- and-white understanding of the world. A world without nuance or paradox.
- 12. Cognitive Development ABSTRACT THOUGHT described in a simple way, is thinking about thinking.
- 14. The SCIENCE of BRAIN DEVELOPMENT
- 15. FRONTAL LOBE EMOTIONAL CONTROL INSIGHT FOCUS FORETHOUGHT IMPULSE CONTROL ORGANIZATION PLANNING JUDGMENT EMPATHY
- 17. MYELINIZATION AND NEURON WINNOWING
- 19. EXAMPLES
- 20. The Expanding Color Palette
- 23. 2 ERRORS
- 24. Acknowledging emotions, but in a diminishing way.
- 25. Ignoring emotions, especially extreme or unpleasant ones.
- 26. 4 WINS
- 27. When we employ a “come alongside” approach.
- 28. When we ask ‘WHY’.
- 29. When we don’t just grin and bear it.
- 30. When we teach to understand rather than control.
- 35. The Role of Self-Perception
- 38. Guys’ Friendships “The Wolf Pack”
- 39. Guys’ Friendships “The Wolf Pack” “The Loner”
- 40. Girls form friendships by talking. Guys form friendships by doing.
- 41. I can do it, just don’t leave me.
- 42. Carefree life of a child = Dependence Responsibilities of adulthood = Independence
- 44. Independence is a transaction.
- 47. I’ll just chuck it.
- 48. Faith Evolution
- 50. The Importance and Beauty of Doubt
- 52. THREE EPOCHS OF YOUTH CULTURE IDENTITY 1950 to 1970 AUTONOMY 1970 to 2000 AFFINITY Today
- 53. TODAY’S TEENS A culture of information. Everything available with a click of the mouse A culture of immediacy. No delayed gratification. A disposable culture. Use it, then toss it. A driven/sedentary culture. Suburban paradox.
- 55. Walking hormones? Hair in new places.
- 56. Walking hormones? Hair in new places Body Shape and Height
- 57. Walking hormones? Hair in new places Body Shape and Height Breast and Penis Size
- 58. Walking hormones? Hair in new places Body Shape and Height Breast and Penis Size
- 59. Walking hormones? Hair in new places Body Shape and Height Breast and Penis Size Menstruation and Ejaculation
Editor's Notes
- Hello! Let’s share our names. Name/grade/gender of our teenager and a quick awkward memory from when you were a teenager. My degree and background is in this stuff, but I’ve just naturally processed it so long I’ve forgotten technical terms. This won’t be whiz-bang, but pretty anecdotal. We’ll cover lots today then I’ll let you vote on what next week’s topics are.
- This says it all. The first two years of adolescence offer change that is second only to the first two years of life. Physical changes are what’s most recognizable but the big deal are the changes to the mind during adolescence. Think about the most significant change you've had and the stress involved, multiply it by 100, and you've got an adolescent stress level. But while's ours is primarily external - change of job, etc. - theirs is internal and they don't have the experience to deal with it.
- Stephen Glenn in the 70’s.
- Tsunami - puberty comes like a tidal wave and wipes out all that hard work of sampling, testing and concluding, then the three step process starts all over again.
- Pushing boundaries and rules. Trying different approaches to getting things. Making big statements to grab attention. 8th grade girls small group this past week. “We’re coming out!”
- preteens and politicians Story: At camp there is a climbing tower and you can do a “faith leap” “I have a problem. I think I want to become what was talked about - a follower of Jesus, but I’m too scared to jump off that tower. Do I really have to jump off the tower if I want to become a Christian?” Explained it to her, then took her and threw her off the tower.
- 3rd person perspective self-awareness nuance and gray areas paradox systems speculation and inference Most of us adults have been utilizing abstract thinking for so long that it’s easy to forget what it’s like not to have this ability or not to have it function well
- For hundreds of years, the medical community assumed the human brain was fully developed in childhood because they studied physical brains. It must be “all there.” Real time 3D scans of live brains changed all that. In short, the brain isn’t fully formed until the mid twenties. Everyone just assumed it was lack of experience that was the cause of questionable judgment.
- Behind the temples. Responsible for emotional interpretation. Teenagers have a physiological reason for not always understanding their own emotions and for being notoriously deficient at interpreting other people’s emotions. Which gender to you think is worse? Yup. Guys. There is an additional cultural reason for guys.
- Neural pathways. Superhighways of thought. Myelin - MS - 200x increase with myelin. In the couple years before puberty the brain develops millions and millions of additional neurons - more thn will be needed or even exist in the adult brain. At puberty the process reverses itself and there is a winnowing effect. Those neurons and neural pathways that are well used in early adolescence remain. Those that are underused are eliminated. My mid-adolescence a teenage brain is “hard-wired” for the way it will function throughout the rest of life. “Use it or lose it.” It’s essential that the teen years are about learning how to think. Process, “What if?” and “Why?” are all critical. Lots of sleep, good diet and exercise, living with consequences of their choices
- Anne of Green Gables. Anne is a classic external processor - you never have to wonder what she is thinking. She’s also a wonderful little snapshot of pure adolescent experience, but without the cultural 21st century suburban stuff. A notable thing about her is her emotional volatility. Anne is regularly over-the-top giddy, talking and talking...and talking of possibility and excitement. But just as quickly, Anne has some negative internal or external experience that plunges her into (c’mon Anne-fans, say it with me) “the depths of despair!”
- A girl who bursts into tears because when you mentioned your childhood pet cat, it reminded her of her neighbor’s cat that died in a tragic road-crossing incident. The boy who broods in the back of the room, then suddenly comes alive and forgets his coolness while getting caught up in a fun game. The girl who believes you’re the coolest EV-AR and always wants to be near you; but who suddenly decides you’re the biggest dork on the planet. The girl who, on the first day of camp, talks non-stop about being “in love with Tommy”, who plunges into depression upon being spurned, only to bounce back that evening into free agent mode because it’s clear that “Tommy is such a loser.” The boy who holds his emotional cards close like a Texas Hold ‘Em player, but innocently lets a little grin sneak out from time to time. The girl who goes through a phase where she frequently hugs everyone and says, “Love ya!” to pretty much everything that moves.
- During puberty, their emotional landscape is undergoing a brutally thorough renovation, and it’s confusing, messy, costly, and intrusive. Emotions are abstract. More accurately: thinking about emotions, or being self-aware of one’s emotions, is even abstract. A 9-year-old can identify “I’m mad” and “I’m happy, but it doesn’t go much more than that. When concrete thinkers actually are able to identify the source of their emotions, they usually assume and external reason (“You made me mad” or “The puppy made me happy”). It may even frustrate them that they don’t know how to explain it better.
- It’s like getting a guy who isn’t handy at all a professional toolbelt. He’s got the tools now but he doesn’t know how to use them. Funny real youth group example: Small group of student leaders wit hthe topic of fear. “What is a fear of yours about living your faith?” Two got it right away and shared....fear of rejection, etc. Then it was another’s turn to share and he said, “Bees.” “What?” “Bees. I’m afraid of bees.” “Um, aren’t these supposed to be fears about living your faith.” “Yeah, I know, but I’m really afraid of bees.” Classic.
- They are painting with a new set of brushes so we must be patient with them. Can you think of an example where you’ve noticed a hard time of them identifying their emotions? But we do them a disservice if we assume that their whiplashy emotional experience is just something to be tolerated in a fatalistic way. Instead, it’s our mission to walk with them through these emotional blindsides, acting as EMOTIONAL TOUR GUIDES and EMOTIONAL LANGUAGE TUTORS. Most adolescents will tell you in moments of honestly, that they don’t understand why they’re feeling such emotional intensity at times, or why particular emotions snuck up on them so fast or lingered so inexplicably long. They just don’t have the language or experience to interpret this stuff. When I was a kid I spent a lot of time in my room listening to The Cure. To this day, I have no idea why. I guess that’s why emo music is still so hot right now.
- It’s important to NORMALIZE. How do we do that? Or how do we NOT do that?
- Because we have more experience with emotions and we understand them more fully, it’s easy for us to see that a particular strong display of emotion (positive or negative) is often waaay out of proportion to the experience generating it. Overreact much? Our knee-jerk reaction: 1)Tell them they are overreacting, 2) Tell them they are being ridiculous, or 3) Tell them they are being immature. (Remember, maturity is behavior that’s appropriate to development and age - so a young teen’s emotional outbursts are actually mature!)
- Since we know, or assume, the emotion isn’t warranted - at least from our adult perspective - we’re quick to dismiss it by ignoring it. While this approach isn’t ultimately helpful, it’s understandable, since we’ve seen how these extreme emotions often pass so quickly.
- If we envision our adult role as an emotional language tutor, then our response shifts to a more helpful place. This requires us to live with a challenging engaged-but-disengages tension. We want to be fully engaged with them in their emotions in an empathetic sense. But at the same time, we need to remind ourselves that “this is not about me.” Their emotions can quickly affect our own emotions, and that isn’t helpful when we react against them or become a peer.
- Calm responses: “You’re feeling pretty strongly about that, aren’t you?” “Hey, you seem pretty down. What are you feeling?” “What are you feeling that’s making you so happy today?” The point is to try and ask questions to get them to describe the feeling more, not just the external factors producing the feeling. This is key, but it takes some practice. Discussion time.
- We do a disservice when we suggest that this is just an unfortunate phase of life that you can only hope to emerge from. We want to point kids to Jesus who said in John 10:10 that he wants them to fully experience life! This roller coaster is all a part of God’s plan to give them a meaningful life that’s full of great emotion. Really, how terrible would life be without emotion?
- We’ve often heard people say that kids need to learn to “control their emotions.” There a sense where this is true and it will come in time, but during early adolescence the call for kids to control their emotions rarely comes from a place of caring about teenagers. It’s usually about the inconvenience of teenage emotions and the adults who are voicing this desire for control. And, if we push a bit, it often comes from adults who have somewhat lost the ability to be really present in the midst of their own emotions. They equate their ability to stuff emotions with controlling emotions and they assume that everyone should do the same. If we think back to Stephen Glen’s model of sampling, testing and concluding, we remember that sampling and testing come during early-mid adolescence. Concluding will come. No reason to rush. We should be more interested in helping young teens UNDERSTAND their emotions than helping them control them. Remember, thinking about emotions is new for them and really hard work. And when we consider the “hard wiring” thing in regard to NEURON WINNOWING, we’d much rather spend our energy helping their brains develop the ability and practice of understanding, than the practice of control. Control is overrated, and without understanding, control is wrongly fueled.
- Cultural factors are at play with guys. Boys are told it’s not manly to cry or be emotionally expressive. It seems we tell them that anger is the only strong emotion that’s acceptable to express. So boys quickly learn to stuff their emotions, not express them. There is a lot of fear attached to this for middle school guys. There is talk about a “guy code” or an “I’m fine attitude. Story about me crying during football. Compare with “There’s No Crying in Baseball!” Girls, on the other hand, are told to see their emotional expression as a means to an end. Externalized emotions often get “used” as a means to get friends or keep them. (The popular girl that’s a drama queen and the other girls rush to care for her.) Wildly emotional girls are either seen as wildly popular or seen as freaks. In youth ministry I’ve seen girls shrink away from their emotions because they don’t believe they have what it takes to use emotional expression to a positive end. “Emotional bullying” is also common among girls.
- All this connects with the abstract thinking ability of perceiving how others see us? Adolescents aren’t very good at this third-person perspective so they - both boys and girls - often miscalculate the expected response from others. As adults, if the emotional response is different than what we hope for we switch gears. But kids are not only underdeveloped at “guessing” how their emotions will be perceived by others, but they are pretty weak at guaging a real-time response. So in the midst of a response that’s different than what they expected or hoped for, they’ll often “turn it up to 11” with the notion that more is better. What are the implications of this?
- BEST FRIENDS - Who your kid’s friends are is a big deal to a parent. And all the relational changes a teenager goes through are directly tied to cognitive development. As their brains are giving them a peek into abstract thinking, teens begin to use a different set of criteria for friendship selection. To oversimplify: Childhood friendships are normally formed around proximity. Teenagers begin to form friendships based on affinity. Put five 7-year-olds in a room full of legos and they will probably play together just fine. Their interests are less diversified and their sense of self is rather unarticulated. Put those same five kids in a room together as 12-year-olds and the situation is very different. They “dance” around each other and suddenly it’s like an episode of Survivor with all the drama and second-guessing.
- They’re sampling. Young adolescents are very unclear about who they are and, as a result, find it very challenging to align with any particular affinity group. When they are with school friends they’ll adopt a particular set of values, language, preferences, and behaviors. When they are with their church friends they’ll adopt a slightly different set of values... Same with their sports friends. Then with family there is an additional set of values, language, etc. As they grow older these differing sets of “norms” will become slightly less differentiated from each other as they are becoming more comfortable with who they are. It’s the wrong question to ask which of those is “the real them.” If they were an adult we would correctly assume that one is real and the others are not. Those are all manifestations. She’s trying them on like different wardrobes in an attempt to discover more about herself. Keeping up with this can be exhaustive but it’s important not to be too dismissive of it. Try to peer through the external to the real kid behind it.
- It’s the first time they can really start to say, “This is the kind of person I want to be, and these choices will move me in that direction.” 9-year-old Tammy might have a sense of what her friend Jenna thinks of her, but the perception is based solely on external indicators. - Jenna’s desire to spend time with her - Jenna’s willingness to share secrets with Tammy - Jenna’s comments that Tammy is fun. pretty and more adventurous than she is 14-year-old Tammy now is beginning to have the ability to have an empathetic perspective. She can place herself in Jenna’s shoes, so to speak, and think about what life is like for Jenna (who Tammy perceives to be a great friend, but quiet and reserved) - since Jenna is quiet, she probably wishes she were more outgoing like I am - since Jenna is less adventurous than I am, I’m the leader in our friendship - Jenna really likes to IM and txt a lot. This must mean I’m one of her only friends. I can choose to abuse that or manipulate her, or I can honor that special place and protect Jenna What are the implications of this? How can we help here?
- Young teen girl friendships are deeply connected to girls’ desire for intimacy. So middle school girls tend to form intense, highly vulnerable, and intimate friendships, bonding deeply and strongly and quickly. Girls will typically have these intense friendships with one or two other girls. BFFs! But a friendship group of four or more middle school girls usually can’t sustain its own emotional weight. Gossip and insecurities are too enormous a factor. These intense friendships are often short-lives and transitory because girls are playing with their identities. A friendship group of four or more middle school girls will usually split. So it would be fair to say that girls form small, intense friendship groups with high expectations of exclusivity, intimacy, and commitment: but these friendships are often temporary. Some ebb and flow is normal. We need to help girls understand the value of friendships that aren’t temporary, but of course this means helping them understand the skills required to stick with a friendship through the challenges that are natural for all friendships: disagreements and fights, perceived or real betrayal, changing interests, and the place of other friends, which are generally seen as competition.
- Usually, one of two extremes:
- The wolf pack. This is a large(ish) affinity group of guys - four to eight in size, usually - that forms around external common interest, rather than personal sharing and intimacy. Usually what comes with that is a whole raft of language, clothing, values, music, behaviors, etc. They share a brain. We are the guys who are into hockey. We are the guys who are consumed by gaming. They may dabble in multiple groups, but usually one group in a setting: school, church, etc. They will destroy everything in their path as an ameoba toward a goal of conformity.
- This is the teen guy who really doesn’t seem to have any significant friendships. In my observation this is increasing. There is research that particularly in the US and UK, where we have a markedly low-trust culture and high expectation of individual rights and personal autonomy, guys grow up in a substantially more isolated would than many girls do. They may have a guy or two they occasionally game with or a guy that they went paint-balling with once (and both of them perceive that they go paint-balling together all the time), but they live in a relationally isolated world, masking their feelings and hiding their interests in fear of being shunned. Since guys usually form friendships by doing things together (rather than sharing things about themselves) we need to provide opportunities for shared experiences. Man-Fests.
- Teenagers love hotels. Who knows why? For youth ministry trips the guidelines have changed over the years. Used to be a leader every room, leader sleep on floor. But the idea of scotch tape was in vogue a while back. “SO UNFAIR!!” Metaphor: “We do trust you, within the boundaries of your hotel room.” Freedom and boundaries. There is a tension that exists between the independence teens want and the boundaries they need.
- Adolescence is the culturally approved pause button between the carefree life of a child and the responsibilities of adulthood. Teens want more independence. 1) An expanding sense of self provides an opportunity to see a connection between their choices and their identity. 2) they begin to wrestle with AUTONOMY: How am I unique from others? What’s the extent of my power to influence myself, others, and my world?
- Teens with too much freedom (too much independence) often flounder because they don’t yet have the ability or perspective to make good choices with unlimited options. Remember, their abstract-thinking ability is there, but new and wimpy. Their frontal lobes - the decision center of the brain - is still very underdeveloped. Limiting their options greatly increases their ability to exercise wisdom.
- Independence isn’t something to be exercised: it’s something to be given or granted. In other words, for teens to move out of dependence, someone has to give them independence. It’s a transaction in a sense. This is one of the most difficult aspects of parenting. Even the best parents struggle to know where to set boundaries and this give and take transaction is always negotiated. TWO EXTREMES: 1)Smother. Draws the boundaries to small desiring to create a space for their children to remain children as long as possible and to hold on to their innocence. But you can’t keep their choices limited to that of a 5th grader and hope that they develop the skills of independence they need. 2) Total Freedom. It might be fear of losing a connection with their kid, or out of exasperation over constant fighting, or out or ignorance or disinterest. Sure, they still rely on their parents for food and shelter, but they have no boundaries when it comes to time use, media consumption, txting, bedtime, friendship choices, etc. These kids very often bad bad, potentially dangerous decisions and are often stunted in developing good decision-making skills. Because the playing field is so open and wide, they find it difficult to connect consequences with their decisions and impedes the healthiest course of growing in wisdom. We have some boys who are insane experts at Guitar Hero. I realize how much time it takes to get that good. I think, “Where are the parents?”
- What, if any, aspects of our faith aren’t abstract? Faith and doubt. Metaphor: Switch from PC to Mac. But you have files saved from years past. Those are opened, converted, and saved in the new form. Johnny is a pre-teen. He has a concrete, concluded, worked-out worldview. It’s their systematic theology! Heaven, hell, the trinity, resurrection - easy peasy lemon squeezy! Johnny has come to believe that prayer works. Johnny believes if he asks God for something and it’s not selfish then God will give it to him. But in the fall of Johnny’s 7th grade year, his favorite grandpa is diagnosed with cancer. Johhny prays and prays but his grandpa still dies. (Counselor interviews and one-to-ones)
- Johnny can conclude, “Well, my understanding of prayer didn’t quite work. But it’s all I have, so it will have to do.” Johnny stuffs his simplistic faith back in his backpack and what follows is years of repeating this process. “This doesn’t quite work, but it’s all I got.” This is being called Moral Therapeutic Deism and this is why many churches are full of adults who attend church and subscribe to a basic set of moral guiding principles but lack an articulated, active faith that affects their daily lives.
- Johnny could conclude, “Well, this doesn’t make sense anymore. But I don’t have anything to replace it with, so I’ll just chuck it.” This is why so many older teenagers and young adults leave the church or jettison their faith. Their childish faith system just isn’t sustainable in the real world of a 19-year-old. Why should it be?
- Johnny’s third option is the most difficult. Johnny can go through the challenging process of evaluating this faith bit and working to find a new adult-like (abstract) way to frame his understanding of prayer. This is a work of faith evolution, or growing in understanding and articulation, and can be bumpy. And it’s where Johnny absolutely needs faith coaches - his parents, youth leaders, other adults, etc.
- The cycle of learning applies to spiritual stuff as well. Most wrongly assume that it’s normal to go from information to a changed life. RECALL: Some bit of data. It could be a biblical truth in the context of a youth talk. It could be an experience from camp. VALUE: Emotionally connecting or “adding value” to the data. SPECULATION: Asking the “What if?” questions. “What does it look like for me to be a good friend?” “What would it look like for me to be a good friend?” The KNOWING-DOING GAP: Trying on the new behavior.
- Meeting with parents of an 8th grade guy. Mom (Jill): Input on “What was happening to our son.” Dad (Jack) Wanted to “join forces on a solution.” Johnny grew up in church and came to youth group. Sort of interested. He then began to question faith. Of course, as an 8th grader he did it in a way that was passive-aggressive or combative. “You know, I’ve heard this stuff my entire life. I just don’t know if it’s true anymore.” Parents were telling the story and I start to grin. I catch myself, realizing I’m not being sensitive. We have a tendency to guilt anyone for expressing doubts, as if they are sinful. We can use them as opportunities for interaction. That what Jesus did when Thomas had doubts.
- Let’s have a little fun and brainstorm some things that DID NOT exist when we were teenagers. It’s important to remember that all changes in youth culture aren’t external. Grandparents did not have access to an adult that could drive them everywhere. This new mobility has implications on spontaneity, the reach for friendships, free-time options, sports involvement, etc.
- Modern youth culture in America has seen a shift in prioritization in adolescence. It’s been a combination of factors: the lengthening of adolescence, the acceptance of youth culture by culture at large, changes in technology that impact human interactions. IDENTITY: After WWII to 1970 (ish). Youth culture was new and just beginning to gain acceptance by culture at large. Identity trumped all as youth culture was trying to figure out who it was. AUTONOMY: People began to accept all the stuff that comes with youth culture - music, clothing, language, behavioral norms and attitudes. The priority became autonomy. Youth ministry was very much about entertainment. “Hey, here are what the marketers say kids think is cool. Let’s adopt them into youth ministry and put on a good show.” Kids came in droves. AFFINITY: The second epoch was so successful that the third arose. Marketers went after youth culture and it became so mainstream that it found ways to be “other” and went underground. This has created a belonging vacuum that has shuffled the primary task to affinity. Youth ministry must be about real belonging.
- A CULTURE OF INFORMATION. Everything available with the click of the mouse. Shapes adolescent’s sense of immediacy, their sense of entitlement, their work ethic. It can have a numbing effect - since the are so bombarded they can less attentive to what passes by. A CULTURE OF IMMEDIACY. Think for a minute the things you had to wait for when you were a kid that aren’t true today. They take a picture on their cell phones and it’s on Facebook in 4 seconds. Teenagers have disposed of email as being too slow and clunky. They just don’t have to experience patience in their daily lives. A DISPOSABLE CULTURE. A contact lens is this way. So many things we just use, then toss. It’s normal. So it naturally flows over into other realms. Relationships have a sense of disposability to them these days. Knowledge has a sense of disposability to it. Beliefs have a sense of disposability. Trust. Truth. The subconscious thinking is - if something new is going to replace this next week anyhow, why should I be attached to it now? A CULTURE OF CONSUMERISM. AN INTENSE BUT TEMPORARY CULTURE. A NETWORKED CULTURE. A DRIVEN/SEDENTARY CULTURE. Teens are driven in a way that’s almost scary to me. Sports isn’t about having fun and getting exercise. There is almost a sense of the future: What doors will this open for me? Sports have a utilitarian sense, as a means to get somewhere in life. It’s in other areas as well. There was no such thing as SAT prep for middle schoolers when I was a kid. But with all the pressure and drivenness, there’s an odd tension at play. They are more sedentary than ever. They don’t move as much.
- Lots of people characterize the teenage years as when we are taken over by hormones. There is some truth and inaccuracy by that. First, I don’t believe that physical changes are the primary identifier. Hence, this brain stuff. But it’s true that the physical changes are a HUGE deal and the physical changes are the result of hormones.
- Hair in new places. There is always that 7th grade guy with the dirty ‘stache. Those who develop a little later will usually be shy. I don’t know how many young guys will change in their sleeping bags. But those that develop a little earlier will walk around like proud lions. Hair can be such a visible change that it’s often an area of teasing. Don’t allow this. And NORMALIZE.
- It’s never what they think the ideal should be. What might seem like a harmless off-handed tease to you can easily compound their suspicion that something is wrong with them. Have we talked about NORMALIZATION yet?
- Girls: It’s pretty hard to find a girl who believes their breast development is normal. And they are in a catch-22. Culture tells then that slightly larger is desirable. But too big and they often feel ashamed. Peers will assume they are loose - as if that has something to do with breast development. The point is, they never think they are normal. Moms, help NORMALIZE. Das, deflect compliments away from their outward appearance. Guys: Guys are secretive about penis length. It’s not visible. Guys are less verbal than girls so they often don’t talk to anyone about this, and only in the form of a lie or in the third person.
- Girls: It’s pretty hard to find a girl who believes their breast development is normal. And they are in a catch-22. Culture tells then that slightly larger is desirable. But too big and they often feel ashamed. Peers will assume they are loose - as if that has something to do with breast development. The point is, they never think they are normal. Moms, help NORMALIZE. Das, deflect compliments away from their outward appearance. Guys: Guys are secretive about penis length. It’s not visible. Guys are less verbal than girls so they often don’t talk to anyone about this, and only in the form of a lie or in the third person.
- Are we having fun yet? Girls: Menstruation. We were at camp and Nicole came back into our leader’s meeting and she sat down and slide in next to me. I gave her the ‘ole, “Everything OK?” “We have a girl who just had her first period.” “Everything OK?” “Oh yeah. I took care of it.” Moms, don’t assume they have good information. Make a big deal of it. Use it as an opportunity to spend some good time together. Guys: They get horrible information (not to mention guilt and embarrassment) and don’t have good avenues to verbalize things so I’ll try and work in some of the good conversations if they are appropriate. 6th grade small group conversation turned toward Nocturnal Emissions. “Oh, yeah, that’s when you pee in your sleep!” “No, it’s not pee! It’s your baby-making stuff, and it happens because you have a dirty mind.” Dads, use this as an opportunity to normalize, but remember their ability to verbalize won’t be off the charts. Moms, don’t make a big deal about. If out of embarrassment, they want to wash their own sheets, let them. Spontaneous Erections: I can just hear the jr. high guys giggling! This is an absolute biological part of being a guy and they DON’T always happen because a guy is thinking about sex. They are quite frustrating to almost every guy and the fear of being “discovered” is sheer horror. Story of Bones. Masturbation: The acceptance of this among teenage guys have shifted in the last 20 years. It’s on Seinfeld and talked about more. Even Dr. James Dobson, who is famously conservative, talks about it being normal with adolescence. Don’t confront if you have the slightest suspicion. The teenage boy that never, ever masturbates is a mythical creature. There is a fine line here, however. Masturbation can easily become an obsession, something that rules them. It seems weird to talk about this it terms like “all good things in moderation.” The availability of online porn is a HUGE problem. “Welcome to the BATTLE boys.” It’s almost impossible for a teenage guy to view internet porn and not get an erection. Then those images are locked into their memories and stored forever. I recommend when boys are young to keep computers in public space. Just be engaged there. We can probably remember stories of 100 awkward moments. Awesome way to end!!