TheComicEnglishGrammar_10021030.pdf

H
ears t M em
o rial L
ibr
ary
( use No She
lf No. M M 7
D
r
a
we
r No. Inv
e
ntor
y é
a
t REMOVED FROM u m
wn u o ur m
o mWH
Y
.
"
m
o m
" or nu t s ! co w.

LONDON
P R INTE D B Y SA M U E L B E NT LE Y
,
B angor Ho u s e, Sh o e Lan e

THE C OM I C
E N GL I S H G R A M M A R ;
A N E W
A N D F ACE TIOU Q
lin trohuctwn to the ﬁn gltsf
) ﬁon gu c.
B Y TH E A UTHOR OF THE COM IC LATIN GR A M M AR
EM B ELLISH ED
W
IT H U PW
A R DS OF F IF TY C H A R A CTER I ST IC I LLU ST R AT ION S B Y J LEEC H
L ON D ON
R IC HAR D B EN TLEY, N E W
BUR LINGTON STR EET.
1 840.

TO M R . GE OR GE R OBIN S,
A Writer u n riva
lled in this o r any other Age fo r
AN ORIGINALITY OF STYLE ,
( if the expression may be pardoned) qu i te u m
qu e, and a D ext erity in t he Us e
o r M ar a pn o n unparalleled ; W
hose m
u ltrfario u s and sublime—it would n ot
be to o much to say talent ed—COM P OS ITION S would, i t may be fearlessly
assert ed, a
ﬂ
‘
ord any
E NTE RPRISING PU BLISHER
a n o t-
every-
day-
to-
be-
m
et-
with, and n o t in a-
hurry to-
be-
relinquished o ppo r
t u n i ty fo r an
E LIGIBLE INVE STME NT OF CAPITAL,
forming a Property wh ich , under j udicious management,
would soon become
entitled to th e well-
mer ited appellation of a
PRINCE LY DOM AIN
w ln ch, without exciting a blush in th e mind of v eracity,
might be said (in a
lit erary point of view) to be fertilised by a meandering rivulet of Poetry,
comparable fo r B eauty and Pictu r esque E ffect to
THE SILV E RY STREAM OF THE ISIS ;
whose richness (equalled only by his ﬁ
delity) of descripti on, presenting a re
fres h m
g contrast to th e style of his v arious compeers, precludes th e at tempt
t o perpetrate a panegyric, otherwi se t han by assuming th e responsibility an d
risk of applyi ng to h i m
t h e words of o u r
IMMORTAL BARD
Tak e him fo r all in all
We ne’
er shall see h is lik e again.
Thi s little Treatise o n
C OM I C E N G L I S H
is,
with th e mos t profound V EN ER A T ION , An m
rn a'
r ro x, nay, even with
RESP ECT (an d th e t erm is used advisedly”
)
humbly dedicat ed
by
m
s m
os'
t OB LIG ED A N D m
o s
'
r
o aan rax
'
r SER V A N T,
THE AU THOR.

P R E F A C E .
IT may be considered a strange wish o n the part
o f an Author, to have his preface co mpared to a
donkey’
s gallo p. W
e are nevertheless desirous
that o u r o wn should be considered both short
an d sweet. For o u r part,
indeed, we would have
every preface as short as an o rato r’
s cough, to
which, in purpo se, it is s o nearly like ; but
Fashio n requires, and like the rest o f her sex,
requires be
cau s e s he requires, that befo re a writer
begins the business o f his boo k, he should give
an acco unt to the wo rld o f his reasons for pro
du cin
g
.
it ; and therefo re, to avoid singularity,
we shall pro ceed with the statement of our o wn ,
excepting o nly a few private o nes, which are
neither here nor there.

PRE F ACE.
To advance the interests o f mankind by pro
m
o tin
g the cause of Educatio n ; to ameliorate the
conversation o f the masses ; to cultivate Taste, and
diffuse Reﬁnement ; these are the objects which
we have in view in submitting a Co mic English
Grammar to the patronage o f a discerning Public.
N o r have we been actuated by philanthropic m
o
tives alone, but also by a regard to Patriotism,
which, as it has been prono unced o n high au tho
rity to be the last refuge o f a scoundrel, must
necessarily be the ﬁrst concern o f an aspiring and
disinterested mind. We felt o urselves called upo n
to do as much, at least, fo r Mo dern England as
we ha
d befo re done for Ancient Ro me ; and having
been considered by competent judges to have in
fused a little liveliness into a dead language, we
were bold enough to ho pe that we might extract
so me amusement from a living one.
F ew persons there are, whose ears are s o ex
trem
ely o btuse, as n o t to be frequently annoyed
at the violations o f Grammar by which they are
so o ften assailed. It is really painful to be fo rced,
in walking along the streets,
to hear such phrases
as, That ’
ere ho m
n ibu s .
”
Where ’
ve you bin .
”

PREF ACE. ix
Vat
’
s the ho dds ?
”
and the like. Very dreadful
expressions are also used by draymen and others
in addressing their ho rses.
Wha
t can possibly
induce a human being to s ay
“
Gee wo ot !
”
“ "
M ather way !
”
o r Woa not to mentio n
the atrocio us Kim
aup of the ignorant and
degraded costerm
on ger. We o nce actually heard
a fello w threaten to pitch into
”
his do
g ! mean
ing, we believe, to beat the animal.
It is no to rious that the above and greater enor
m
ities are perpetrated in spite o f the number o f
Grammars already befo re the world. This fact
s ufﬁ
ciently excuses the present additio n to the
stock ; and as serio us English Grammars have
hitherto failed to effect the desired reformation , we
are induced to attempt it by means o f a Comic on e.
With regard to the m
oral tendency o f o u r
labo urs, we m
a
y here be permitted to remark,
that they will tend, if successfu l,
to the s u
p
p
res
sion o f e
vi l s
pe
akin
g .
We shall only add, that as the Spartans used
to exhibit a tipsy slave to their children with a
view to disgust them with drunkenness, s o we,
by giving a few examples here and there, o f in

X PREF ACE.
correct phraseology,
shall expose, in their naked
deformity,
the vices o f speech to the ingenuous
reader.

L I S T OF I L L U S TR A TI ON S.
FRONTISPIECE.
MINERVA TEACHIN G
JOHN B ULL
THE
“
PRODIGY
“
JANE YOU KNOW
WHO
MUTES AND L I QU IDS
AWKWARD LOUT
HA ! HA ! HA ! HO ! H0 ! H0 ! HE ! HE ! HE
'
“
O ! WHAT, A, LA ax l— HERE, WE,
ARE !
”
A LDIBORON TIPHOSCOPHOR M IO AND CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS
SIN GLE BLESSEDNESS
APPLE SAUCE
MATILDA
A SOCIALIST
“
SHAN’
T I SHINE TO NIGHT,
DEAR ?
JULIA
A VERY BAD CASE
A SELECT VESTRY
SELF-
ESTEEM
F ACT, MADAM “
GRACIOUS,
MAJOR .
YEARS o r DISCRETION
“
I SHALL GIVE YOU A D R UE B IN G !
”

L I S T OF I LLU S TRA T IONS .
A COMICAL CONJUNCTION
“
AS WELL As CAN BE EXPECTED
HOW ’
S YOUR INSPECTOR !
”
“
WHAT A DUCK OF A MAN !
”
THE FLIRT
THE CAPTAIN
THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON
“
OH ! YOU GOOD-
FOR-
NOTHING MAN
THE YOUNG GENTLEMAN
VIRTUE’
S REWARD ”
“
N OT To MINCE MATTERS,
MISS,
I LOVE YOU
THE FRENCH MARQUIS
“
THE ENGAGED ONES
“
THE LADIES !
”
“
HIT ONE OF YOUR OWN SI! E .
ALL FOR LOVE
“
TALE OF A TU B
“
A RESPECTABLE MAN
DOING WHAT YOU LIKE WITH YOUR OW
N
“
WHAT A LITTLE DEAR !
”
B RUTUS
THE TW
O DOVES
“
THE NASTY LITTLE SQUALLING BRAT
“
OH,
JEMIMA
LOVE AND MURDER
STANDING ON POINTS
“
WHERE GOT
’
ST THOU THAT GOOSE ?
I n
0

2 PRELIMINARY DISCOURSE.
m
ade upon the two ﬁrst subjects. Those which
the remaining o n e affo rds, we shall proceed to
consider.
Suicide, fo r instance, is looked upon by Mr.
Bull with a very different eye from that with which
his neighbours regard it. As to an abortive at
tempt thereat, it excites in his mind unmitigated
ridicule, instead o f interest an d sympathy. In
Paris a foolish fellow, discontented with the
world, o r, more probably, failing in som
e attempt
to make himself co nspicuous, ties a brickbat to
his neck, and jumps, at twelve O’
clock o f the day,
into the Seine. He thereby excites great admi
ration in the minds of the bystanders ; but were
he to play the same trick o n London Bridge, as
soo n as he had been pulled o u t o f the water he
wo uld only he laughed at fo r his pains.
There was a certain gentleman, an Ofﬁcer in
the navy, o n e Lieutenant Luff; at least we have
never heard the fact o f his existence disputed ;
who used to spend all his time in drinking grog ;
and at last, when he co uld get no mo re, thought
proper to shoot himself thro ugh the chest. In
France he would have been buried in Pére La
Chaise, or some such place, an d would have had
an o de written to his memory. As his native
country, however, wa
s the scene of his exploit,

PRE LIMI NARY DISCOURSE.
he was interred, fo r the affair happened some
years ago, in a cross- ro ad ; and his fate has been
made the subject of a co mic song.
That o u r countrymen regard Death as a jest,
no o n e who considers their bravery in war o r
their appetite in peace, can possibly doubt. And
the expressions,
“ to ho
p the twig,
”
to kick the
bucket,
” “
to go o ff the hooks,
” “
to turn up the
toes,
”
and s o o n ,
vernacularly used as synonymous
with “
to expire,
”
sufﬁciently Sho w the jo cular
light in which the last act o f the farce o f Life
is viewed in Her Ma
jesty’
s do minio ns.
An executio n is lo o ked upo n abroad as a s e
rio ns affair ; but w ith us it is quite another mat
ter. Capital punishments, whatever they may be
to the sufferers, are to the spectators, if we may
judge from their behaviour, little else than ca
pital jo kes. The terms which, in common dis
course, are used by the humble classes to denote
the pensile state, namely, dancing on no thing,
”
having a dro p to o much,
”
or being troubled
with a line,
”
are quite playful, and the “
Last
Dying Speech ”
o f the criminal is usually a s
pe
cies Of co mpo sitio n which might well be called
An Entertaining Narrative illustrated with Hu
m
o u ro u s Designs.
The play o f Geo rge Barnwell, in which a de

lu ded linendraper’
s apprentice commits a horrid
murder o n the body o f a pious uncle, excites,
whenever it is represented, as much amusement
as if it were a
'
co m
edy ; and there is also a ballad
detailing the same circumstances, which, when
sung at convivial meetings, is productive o f much
merr iment. Billy Taylor, too, another ballad Of
the same sort, celebrates, in jocund strains, an
act o f unjustiﬁable ho micide.
Even the terro rs o f the other world are con
verted, in Great Britain, into the dro lleries o f
this. The awful apparitions o f the unfo rtunate
M iss Bailey, and the equally unfortunate M r.
Giles Scro ggins, have each o f them furnished the
materials Of a comical ditty ; and the terriﬁc ap
pearan ce o f the Ghost o f a Sheep’
s Head to one
William White,
—
a pro digy which wo uld be con
s idered in Germany as fearful in the extreme,
has been applied, by some popular but anonymous
writer, to the same purpose. The bo dily abla
tio n o f an unprincipled exciseman by the Prince
o f Darkness, a circumstance in itself certainly o f
a serious nature,
has been reco rded by one o f
o u r greatest po ets in strains by n o means r e
markable for gravity. The appellation,
“
Old
Nick,
”
applied by the vulgar to the Prince in
question, is, in every sense o f the words, a nick

PRELIMINARY D ISCOURSE.
n ame ; and the aliases by which, like many o f his
subjects,
he is also called and kno w n
, such as
Old Scratch,
”
Old Harry, o r The Old
Gentleman,
”
are, to s ay the very least o f them,
terms that bo rder o n the familiar.
In the po pular drama o f Pu n ch,
’
le
we Observe a
It m
a
y be s aid that Pun ch is a fo reign im
po rtatio n .
Tr ue ; an d the s am
e as s ertio n m
ay be m
ade res pectin g the
drink o f that n am
e,
the in gredien ts o f which are all exo tic,
ex
ce
pt the wate
r : n evertheles s the pecu liar fo n dn es s o f o u r
co un trym
en fo r it W
lll hardly o n that acco u n t be ques tio n ed.
Bu t the real fact is ,
that there is n o thin g o utla
n dis h abo u t
Pu n ch except the n am
e,
an d even that has been An glicis ed.
W
e are pro verbial fo r im
pro v
i n g o n the in ven tio n s o f o ther
n atio n s , bu t w e have do n e m
o re than im
pro ve upo n Pu n ch ;
w e have en tirely rem
o delled his character ; an d he is n o w n o
m
o re an Italian than the des cen dan t o f o n e who ca
m
e in with
the Co n
quero r is a No rm
an . The co rrectn es s o f this po s itio n
will be fo u n d to be s in gu larly bo rn e o u t o n a perus al o f tha
t
celebrated wo rk,
“
Pun ch an d Ju dy ;
”
in which (n o do ubt
fro m
u n avo idable circu m
s tan ces ) the dialo gues were actu ally
tak en do wn fro m
the m
o u th Of an Italian ,
o n e Piccin i,
an itin
eran t exhibito r o f the dram
a. The bo ok is , o r o u ght to be,
in everybo dy’
s han ds . Still,
let an
y o n e refer to that p
a
rticu
lar part o f it,
an d, pro vided that his tas te is a co rrect o n e,
he will n o t fail to be s tru ck with the deterio ratin g effect which
Sign o r Piccin i
’
s bro k en En glis h an d Italian lo
qu acity have
pro du ced o n the s pirit o f the o rigin al. N othin g is m
o re cha
racteris tic o f the real M r. Pu n ch than the laco n ic m
an n er in
which he expres s es him
s elf, an d n o thin g at the s a
m
e tim
e is
m
o re En glis h. AS to the em
bellis hm
en ts o f his dis co u rs e, in
t ro du ced by Piccin i, they are abo ut as appro priate an d adm
i
rable a
s Co lley Gi bber
’
s im
pro vem
en ts on Richard the Third.
B 3

PRELIMINARY DISCOU RSE.
perfect climax o f atro cities and horrors. Victim
after victim
falls pro strate beneath the cudgel Of
the defo rmed and barbarous monster ; the very
ﬁrst who feels his tyranny being the wife o f his
bosom. He, meanwhile, behaves in the most
heartless manner, actually singing and caperin g
among the mangled carcases. Benevolence is
shocked, Justice is derided, Law is s et at no u ght,
an d Constables are slain. The fate to which he
had been consigned by a Jury o f his Country is
eluded ; an d the Avenger Of Crime is circum
vented by the w ily assassin. Lastly, to crown
the who le, Retributio n herself is mo cked ; and
the very Arch Fiend is dismissed to his o wn
dominions with a fractured skull. And at every
stage o f these frightful proceedings Sho uts o f u
p
r o ario u s laughter attest the delight o f the be
holders, increasing in violence with every addi
tio n al terror, an d swelling at the concluding one
to an almost inextinguishable peal.
Indeed there is scarcely any shocking thing
o u t o f which we can extract no amusement, ex
cept the lo ss o f money, wherein, at least when
it is o u r o wn , we cannot s ee anything to laugh at.
Some will s a
y that we make it a principle to
convert whatever frightens o ther people into a
jest,
in order that we may imbibe a contempt

PR ELIMINARY DISCOU RSE. 7
fo r danger ; and that o u r superio rity (universally
adm
itted) over all natio ns in co urage and prowess,
is, in fact, owing to the way which we have ac
quired o f laughing all terrors, natural an d super
natural, utterly to scorn . With these, however,
we do n o t agree. Our national laughter is, in
o u r Opinio n, as little based o n principle as o u r
natio nal actio ns have o f late years been. We
laugh fro m impulse, o r, as we do everything else,
because we choose. And we shall ﬁnd, o n e xa
mination, that we have contrived, amongst u s , to
render a great many things exceedingly dro ll and
absurd, without having the slightest reaso n to
assign fo r s o do ing.
F o r example, there is nothing in the Ofﬁ
ce of
a Parish Clerk that makes it desirable that he
sho uld be a ludicrous perso n. There is n o reaso n
why he should have a cracked vo ice ; an inability
to use, o r a tendency to omit, the aspirate ; a stupid
countenance ; o r a po mpous manner. N o r do we
clearly s ee why he sho uld be unable to pro no unce
pro per names ; sho uld s ay Sn atchacrab fo r Senna
cherib, o r Leften an t fo r Leviathan. Such, never
theless, are the peculiarities by w hich he is co m
mo u ly distinguished.
We are likewise at a lo ss to divine why SO s tu
dio u sly ridiculous a costume has been m
ade to

enhance the natural absurdity o f a Beadle ; fo r we
can hardly believe that his singular style o f dress
was really intended to ins pire small children with
veneration and awe.
It can scarcely be supposed that a Lord Mayor’
s
Show was instituted o nly to he laughed at ; yet who
would co ntend that it is o f any o ther u s e
? Nor
could the o fﬁce o f the Chief Magistrate o f a Co r
po ratio n , n o r that of an Alderman, have been
created fo r the amusement o f the Public : there is ,
however,
no purpose which both o f them s o fre
quently serve.
If the wig and ro bes o f a Judge were meant to
excite the respect o f the community in general,
and the fear o f the unconscientio us part o f it, we
cannot but think that the design has been u n
successful. That the ministers o f justice are n o t,
in fact, so reverently held, by any means, as from
the nature o f their functions they might be ex
pected to be, is certain. A magistrate, to go no
further, is universally kno wn, if not designated, by
the jo cose appellatio n o f Bea
Butchers, bakers, co bblers, tink ers, co s term
o n
gers, and tailors ; to s ay nothing o f fo otmen, wait
ers , dancin g-
masters, and barbers have become
the subjects o f ridicule to an extent not warranted
by their avo cations,
simply considered.

10 PRELIM INARY DISCOURSE.
he meant to apply them serio usly. The names we
allude to are names o f places— and pretty places
they are to o ; as , M ount Pleasant,
” “ Paradise
Row,
”
Go lden Lane.
”
Then there are a great many whimsical things
that we do
When a man cannot pay his debts, and has no
prospect o f being able to do SO except by working,
we shut him up in gaol, and humoro usly describe
his conditio n as that o f being in Qu o d.
We will n o t allo w a m
an to give an Old woman
a dose Of rhubarb if he have not acquired at least
half a dozen sciences ; but we permit a quack to
sell as m
uch poison as he pleases, with no other
diploma than what he gets from the College of
Healt
When a thief pleads Guilty”
to an indictment,
he is advised by the Judge to recall his plea ; as if
a trial were a matter o f spo rt, and the culprit, like
a fo x,
gave n o amusement u nless regularly run
down. This perhaps is the reason why allo wing
an animal to start so me little time befo re the pur
su it is co mmenced, is called givin g him law .
When o n e man runs away with ano ther’
s wife,
and,
being o n that account challenged to ﬁght a
duel,
shoo ts the aggrieved party through the head,
the latter is said to receive s atisfaction .

PRELIMINARY DISCOURSE. I I
W
e never take a glass Of wine at dinner without
getting so mebody els e to do the same, as if we
wanted encouragement ; and then, before we ven
ture to drink, we bo w to each other across the
table, preserving all the while a mo st wonderful
gravity. This, however, it may be said, is the
natural result Of endeavouring to keep o n e an
other ia co untenance.
The wa
y in which we imitate foreign ma
n ners
and custo ms is very amusing. Savages stick fi
s h
bones thro ugh their noses ; our fair countrywomen
have ho o ps o f metal po ked thro ugh their ears.
The Caribs flatten the fo rehead ; the Chinese com
press the fo o t ; an d we possess sim
ilar contrivances
fo r reducing the figure o f a yo ung lady to a re
semblance to an hour-
glass o r a devil-
o u -
two
sticks.
There being no o ther assignable mo tive fo r these
and the like proceedings, it is reaso nable to s u
p
po se that they are ado pted, as schoolbo ys say,
“
for fun.
”
We co uld go o n , were it necessary, adducing
facts to an almost unlimited extent ; but we con
sider that eno ugh has now been said in pro o f o f
the comic character of the natio nal mind. And in
conclusio n, if an
y fo reign author can be produced,
equ al in point o f wit, humour, and drollery, to

I 2 PRELIMINARY DISCOURSE.
Swift, Sterne, o r Bu tler, we hereby engage to eat
him ; albeit we have no pretensions to the cha
racter of a helluo libro ru m
.
”

THE
COM IC E N GLISH GR AM M AR .
ENGLI SH GRAM M AR, according to Lindley
Murray,
“ is the art of speaking and writing the
English language with pro priety.
The English language, written and spoken with
propriety,
is co mmonly called the King’
s English.
A monarch, who , three o r four generatio ns back,
occupied the English thro ne,
is repo rted to have
said, If beebles will be boets, they must s darve.
”
This was a rather curious specimen o f King’
s
English.
”
It is, however, a maxim o f our law,
that the King can do no wrong.
”
Whatever bad
Engli sh, therefore, m
a
y proceed from the royal
mo uth, is not King’
s English, but M inister’
s
English,
”
fo r which they alo ne are respo nsible.
F o r illustratio ns o f this kind o f English ”
we beg
to refer the reader to the celebrated English Gram
mar which was written by the late M r. Co bbett.
King’
s English (o r, perhaps, under existing cir
cu m
s ta
n ces we should s a
y, Qu e
e
n
’
s English) is th e
C

THE COMIC ENGLISH GRAMMAR.
current coin Of conversation, to mutilate which,
and unlawfully to u tter the same, is called clip
pin
g
the King’
s English ; a high crime and m
is dem
ea
nour.
Clipped En glish, or bad English, is o n e variety
o f Comic English, o f which we shall adduce in
stances hereafter.
Slipslo p, o r the erroneous substitution o f o n e
word for another, as
“
prodigy”
for “
protégée,
”
He
’
s only a little prodigy of mine,
Doctor.

THE COMIC ENGLISH GRAMMAR I 5
derangement for “
arrangement,
”
exasperate
fo r
“
aspirate,
”
an d the like, is another.
Slang, which consists in cant words and phrases,
as “
dodge”
for “
s ly trick,
”
no go”
for “
failure,
”
and “
carney” “
to flatter, may be considered a
third.
Latinised English, o r Fine English, sometimes
assumes the character Of Comic English, especially
when applied to the purposes o f common discourse ;
as Extingu ish the luminary,
”
Agitate the com
m
u n icator,
” “
Are your corporeal functions in a
condition o f salubrity ? ” “
A sable visual o rb,
” “
A
sanguinary nasal protuberance.
”
American English is Comic English in a “
pre
tty
particu lar co ns iderable tarn ati on
”
degree.
Among the various kinds o f Comic English it
would be “
to u t-
df ait inexcusable, were we to
m
an
qu e
r
”
to mention o n e which has, s o to speak,
quite “
bo u le
ve
rs é
’
d
”
the Old-
fashioned style o f
conversation ; French-
English, that is what “
n ou s
vo u lo n s dire
.
”
Avec n u
po co o f the “
Italian o,
”
t his fo rms what is also called the Mosaic dialect.
English Grammar is divided into fo ur parts
Ortho graphy, Etymology, Syntax, and Prosody ;
an d as these are points that a good grammarian
always stands upon, he, particularly when a p
e
dant, and consequently somewhat flat, may very
properly be compared to a table.

P A R T I.
O R T H O G R A P H Y.
CHAPTE R . I.
OF THE N ATU RE OF THE LE TTE RS, A N D OF A
COM IC ALP HAB E T.
ORTH OG RAP HY is like a junior usher, o r in s tru c
tor Of youth. It teaches us the nature and powers
o f letters and the right method o f spelling words.
N o te.
— In a public school, the person corr e
s p
o n din
g to an usher is called a master. As it
is sometimes his duty to ﬂog, we propose that he
Should hen ceforth be called the Usher o f the
Birch R o d.
”
Comic Orthography teaches us the oddity and
absurdities o f letters , and the wrong method o f
spelling words. The fo llowing is an example Of
Comic Orthography
is lin to n fo teen th o f
my Deer
jem
es febu ar
y 1 840.
wen fust i sawed yu doun the middle and u
p
agin att Vite co n dick ouse i maid Up my Mind to
s k u re you fo r my ho ne fo r i Felt at once that my
ap
p
in es s was at Steak, and a s en s as hu n in my
Bu s s irmI coudent no ways accompt F o r. And i

THE COMIC ENGLISH GRAM MAR.
po s crip
n ex sunday IS my sunday o u t And i Shall be Att
the corner o f Wite lion Street p
en to n vil at a quaw
ter pas Sevn.
W
en This U. C.
remember Mee
g.

ORTHOGRAPHY. 1 9
N o w, to proceed with Orthography, we may re
mark, that
A letter is the least part o f a word.
Of a co m
ic letter an instance has already been
given.
Dr. Johnson’
s letter to Lord Chesterﬁeld is a
capital letter.
The letters o f the Alphabet are the re
p
res en
tatives o f articulate sounds.
The Alphabet is a Republic Of Letters.
There are many things in this world erroneously
as well as vulgarly compared to bricks.
”
In
the case o f the letters o f the Alphabet, however,
the comparison is just ; they constitute the fabric
o f a language, and grammar is the mortar. The
wo nder is that there should be s o few o f them.
The English letters are twenty-
s ix in number.
There is nothing like beginning at the beginning ;
an d we shall now therefore enumerate them, with
the view also o f rendering their insertion subsidiary
to mythological instruction, in conformity with the
plan o n which some account Of the Heathen Deities
and ancient heroes is preﬁxed o r subjoined to a
Dictionary. We present the reader with a form o f
Alphabet composed in humble imitation o f that
famous o n e, which, while appreciable by the dullest

20 THE COMIC ENGLISH GRAMMAR.
taste, and level to the meanest capacity, is never
theles s that by which the greatest minds have been
agreeably inducted into knowledge.
THE A L P H AB E T.
A was Apollo , the god o f the carol,
B stood for Bacchus, astride o n his barrel ;
C for good Ceres, the goddess o f grist,
D was Diana
, that wouldn’
t be k is s
’
d ;
E was nymph Echo, that pined to a sound,
F was sweet Flora, with buttercups cro wn
’
d
G was Jove’
s pot-
boy, young Ganymede hight,
H was fair Hebe, his barmaid s o tight ;
I, little IO, turu
’
d into a cow,
J, jealous Juno, that spiteful Old s o w ;
K was Kitty, more lovely than goddess o r muse ;
L, Laco o o n I wouldn’
t have been in his shoes
M was blue-
eyed Minerva, with stockings to match,
N was N estor, with grey beard and silvery thatch
O was lofty Olympus, King Jupiter
’
s s hOp
,
P,
Parnassus, Apollo hung o u t o n its top ;
Q stood for Quirites, the Romans, to wit ;
R, fo r rantipole Roscius, that made such a hit ;
S,
for Sappho , s o famo us fo r felo-
de-
s e,
T,
for Thales the wise, F. R. S. and M. D

ORTHOGRAPHY.
U was crafty Ulysses, s o artful a do dger,
V was hop-
a-
kick Vulcan, that limping Old codger ;
W
e
n u s Venus I mean with a W begins,
(Vell, if I ham
a Cockney, wo t need o f yo ur grins ?
)
X was Xantippe, the scratch-
cat and shrew,
Y, I do n’
t know what Y was, whack me if I do !
! was ! eno the Stoic, ! enobia the clever,
And ! oilus the critic, Victoria for ever !
Letters are divided into Vowels and Conso
The vowels are capable o f being perfectly u t
tered by themselves. They are, as it were, in
dependent members Of the Alphabet, and like
independent members elsewhere form a small mi
n o rity. The vowels are a, e
, i, o, u , and some
times w and y.
An I. O. U. is a more pleasant thing to have,
than it is to give.
A blow in the stomach is very likely to W
up.
W is a consonant when it begins a word, as
Wicked Will Wiggins whacked his wife with a
whip ; but in every other place it is a vowel, as
crawling, drawling, sawney, screwing, Jew. Y
follows the same rule.
A consonant is an articulate sound ; but, like
an Old bachelor, if it exist alone it exists to n o

purpose. It cannot be perfectly uttered without
the aid o f a vowel ; and even then the vowel has
the greatest Share, in the production o f the soun d.
Thus a vowel joined to a consonant becomes, s o
to speak, a better half or at all events very.
strongly resembles o n e.
Consonants are divided into mutes and semi
vowels.
The mutes cannot be sounded at all without
the aid Of a vowel. Like young ladies just “ come
o u t,
”
they are silent as long as yo u let them alone.
Some have compared them, o n account o f their
name, to the Original Good Woman but how
joining her to anything except to her head again
would have cured her of her dumbness, it is n o t
easy to s ee. B , p, t, d, b, and c and y hard, are
the letters called mutes, o r, as some have deno
m
in ated them, black le
tte
rs .
The semi-
vowels, which aref , l, m
, n , r, v, s , x,
z, and c an d y soft, have an imperfect sound of
themselves. W
ell ! half a loaf is better than n o
bread.
L , m
, n , r, are further distinguished by the
name o f liquids. Like certain other liquids they
are good for mixing, that is to s a
y, they readily
unite with other consonants ; and flow, as it were,
into their sou nds.

ORTHOGRAPHY.
The speciﬁc gravity o f liquids can only be ren
dered amusing by comical ﬁ
g u re
s .
The gravity,
too, o f a s o lid is generally the more ludicrous.
V U TE S AN D LIQ U IDS

24
: THE COMIC ENGLISH GRAMMAR.
A diphthon g is the union o f two vowels in one
sound, as ea in heavy, cu in Meux, o u in sto ut.
A triphthong is a similar union of three vowels,
as eau in the word beau ; a term applied to dan
dies, and addressed to geese : probably because
they are birds o f a feather.
A proper diphthong is that in which the sound
is formed by bo th the vowels : as, aw in awkward,
o u in lout.

2 6 THE COMIC ENGLISH GRAM MAR.
I ’
m
po s tively tiawed (tired).
What a sweet tem
p
aw (temper).
How dau
ghty (dirty) the streets au
And they also Call,
Literature, literetcha
h.
Perfectly, p
awfacly.
”
Disgusted, disgas ted.
Sky (theatrical dandies do this chieﬂy) Ske
eye.
Blue, ble— ew.
We might here insert a few remarks o n the
nature o f the human voice, an d Of the mechanism
by means Of which articulation is performed ; but
besides our dislike to prolixity, we are afraid o f
getting do wn in the m
o u th, and thereby going the
wron
g wa
y to please o u r readers. We may never
theles s venture to invite attention to a few co
mical peculiarities in conne
ction with articulate
sounds.
Ahem ! at the commencement o f a speech, is a
sound agreeably droll.
The vocal cor
n icalities o f the infant in arms
are exceedingly laughable, but we are u n fo r
tu n ately unable to spell them.
The articulatio n o f the Jew is peculiarly ridi
culons. The “
p
eo
p
les h
”
are badly spoken o f,
and not well spoken.

ORTHOGRAPHY. 27
Bawling, croaking, hissing, whistling, and grunt
ing, are elegant vocal accomplishments.
Lisping, as , thweet, Dtho oliu r, thawm
in
g,
k w eechau ,
”
is by some considered interesting, by
others absurd.
Stammering is sometimes productive Of amuse
ment.
Humming and hawing are ludicrous embel
lis hm
en ts to a discourse. Crowing like a co ck,
braying like a do nkey, qu achin
y like a duck, and
bo o tin
g like an o wl, are modes o f exerting the
voice which are usually regarded as diverting.
But Of all the sou nds which proceed from the
human mouth, by far the funniest are Ha ! ha !
ha ! He ! he ! he !

C H A P T E R II.
OF SYLLAB LE S.
SY
LLAB LE is a nice word, it so unds s o much
like syllabub
A syllable, whether it constitute a word o r
part o f a word, is a sound, either simple o r com
pound, produced by o n e effort Of the voice, as,
O what, a, lark Here, we, are !
”

ORTHOGRAPHY. 29
Spelling is the art o f putting together the let
ters which co mpose a syllable, o r the syllables
which compo se a word.
Comic spelling is usually the work o f imagina
tion. The chief rule to be Observed in this kind
of spelling, is, to spell every word as it is pro
n o u n ced ; tho ugh the ru le is not u niversally Oh
served by comic spellers. The follo wing example,
for the genuineness Of whi ch we can vouch, is o n e
s o singularly apposite, that although we have al
ready submitted a similar specimen Of orthography
to the reader, we are irr esistibly tempted to make
a seco nd experiment o n his indulgence. The
episto lary curiosity, then, which we shall n o w
proceed to transcribe, was addressed by a patient
to his medical adviser.
My Gran m
o ther wos very much tru beld
W
ith the Gout and dide with it my father wo s
also and dide with it when i was 14 years of age
i wo s in the habbet o f Gettin whet feet Every
Night by pumping water o u t of a Celler Wich
Cas me to have the tipes fever wich Cas my
Defn es s when i was 23 o f age i fell in the Water
betwen the ice and i have Bin in the habbet o f
D 3

30 THE COM IC E N GLISII GRAM MAR.
Getting wet when travilin
g i have Bin tr u bbeld
with Gout for seven years
Your most humbel
Servent
Cleark en well
Chelsea College has been supposed by fo
reign ers to be an institution for the teaching o f
orthography ; probably in consequence o f a pas
sage in the well known song in The W
aterman,
”
Never more at Chelsea Ferry,
Shall your Thomas take a s
pe
ll.
Q. Why is a du n ce no conjuror ?
A. Because he cannot s
pell.
Among the various kinds o f spelling may be
enu merated spelling for a favour ; o r giving What
is called a broad hint.
Certain rules for the division Of words into
syllables are laid do wn in some grammars, and
we sho uld be very glad to follo w the established
usage, but, limited as we are by considerations of
comicality and space, we cannot afford to give
more than two very general directions. If you

ORTHOGRAPHY.
do not know ho w to spell a word, loo k it out
in the dictionary, and if you have no dictionary
by yo u , write the word in such a way, that, while
it may be guessed at, it shall n o t be legible.

CHAPTER III.
OF W
ORD S I N GE N E RAL.
THE RE is no one question that we are aware
o f more puzzling than this,
“
W
hat is your Opi
nion Of thin
g s in general ?
”
W
o rds in general
are, fortunately for us, a subject o n which the
fo rmation o f an opinion is somewhat more easy.
Words stand for things : they are a sort o f coun
ters, checks, bank-
notes, and sometimes, indeed,
they are n o te
s fo r which people get a great deal
o f money. Such words, however, are, alas ! n o t
English words, o r words sterling. Strange ! that
s o much should be given fo r a mere song. It is
quite clear that the givers, whatever m
a
y be their
pretensions to a reﬁned or literary taste, must be
entirely unacquainted with W
o r ds worth.
Fine words are 0
i enough, and he who uses
them is vulgarlysaid to “
cut it fat ; but for all
that it is well known that they will not butter
parsnips.
Some s a
y that words are but wind : for this
reason,
when people are having words, it is Often
said,
that the wind ’
s up.
”

’
s tro rn ar
y for extraordinary, and cu ro sity for curi
o s ity ; to which m
ys teru s for mysterious may also
be added.
Polysyllables are an essential element in the
sublime, both in poetry and in pro se ; but espe
cially in that species of the sublime which borders
very closely o n the ridiculous ; as,
Aldibo ro n tip
ho s co
p
ho rm
io ,
W
here left
’
s t thou Chrononhotonthologos

ORTHOGRAPHY. 35
All words are either primitive o r derivative. A
primitive wo rd is that which cannot be reduced to
any simpler word in the language ; as , brass, York,
knave. A derivative word, Under the head of
which compound words are also included, is that
which may be reduced to another and a more
simple word in the English language ; as, brazen,
Yorkshire, knavery, mud-
lark, lighterman.
Broadbrim is a derivative wo rd ; but it is o n e
often applied to a very pri m
itive kind o f person.

P A R T I I.
E T Y M O L O G Y.
CHAPTER I.
A COM ICAL V IE W
OF T HE P ARTS OF SPE E CH.
ETY
M OLOGY teaches the varieties, modiﬁcations,
and derivatio n o f words.
The derivation o f words means that which they
come fro m as wo rds ; fo r what they come from as
s o u n ds , is another matter. Some words come from
the heart, and then they are pathetic ; others from
the nose, in which case they are ludicrous. The
funniest place, however, from which words can
co me, is the stomach. By the way, the Lord Mayor
would do well to keep a ventrilo quist, from whom,
at a moment’
s n o tice, he might ascertain the voice
o f the corpo ration.
Co mic Etymo lo gy teaches us the varieties, modi
ﬁ
catio n s , and derivation,
o f wo rds invested with a
comic character.
Grammatically speaking, we s a
y that there are,
in English, as many sorts o f words as a cat is said

ETYMOLOGY. 37
to have lives, nine ; namely, the Article, the Su b
s tan tive o r No un, the Adjective,
the Pro noun, the
Verb, the Adverb, the Prepo sition, the Co n
ju n c
tion, and the Interjection.
Co mically speaking, there are a great many sorts
Of words which we hav e not ro o m enough to par
ticu laris e individually. We can therefo re only
affo rd to classify them. For instance ; there are
words which are spo ken in the L o w Co u n tr ie
s , and
are Hig h D u tch to persons o f quality ; as in Bil
lin
gs gate, Whitechapel, an d St. Giles
’
s .
Words in use amo ngst all tho se who have to
do with horses.
Wo rds that pass between rival cab-
men.
Words peculiar to the P. R. where the order o f
the da
y is generally a word an d a blo w.
Words spo ken in a state o f into xication.
Words uttered under excitement.
Words o f endearment, addressed to children in
arms.
Similar wo rds, sometimes called burning, tender,
so ft, an d bro ken wo rds, addressed to young ladies,
and whispered, lisped,
sighed, o r drawled, accord
ing to circumstances.
Words Of hono ur ; as, tailo rs’
words and shoe
makers’
wo rds ; which, like the abo ve-
mentioned,
o r lovers’
words,
are very o ften broken.

With many o ther
”
so rts o f words, which will be
readily suggested by the reader’
s fancy.
But now let us go o n with the parts o f speech.
1. An Article is a word prefixed to substantives
to point them o u t, and to Show the extent Of their
meaning ; as, a dandy, an ape, the simpleton.
One kind o f comic article is otherwise deno
m
in ated an oddity, o r queer article.
Another kind o f comic article is o ften to be
met with in Bentley’
s M iscellany.
2. A Substantive o r Noun is the name o f an
y
thing that exists, o r o f which we have any notion ;
as , tin ker, tailo r, s o ldier, s ailo r, a
po thecar
y, plou
g h
N o w the above definition of a substantive is
Lindley M urray’
s, n o t o u rs. We mention this, be
cause we have an Objectio n, though, n o t, perhaps,
a serious o n e, to urge against it ; fo r, in the first
place, W
e have n o no tion ”
of impudence, and yet
impudence is a substantive ; an d, in the second, we
invite attention to the follo wing piece o f Logic,
A substantive is so mething,
But nothing is a substantive ;
Therefo re, nothing is something.
A substantive m
a
y generally be kno wn by its
taking an article before it, and by its making sense
o f itself: as, a tre
at, the m
u llig ru bs , an ache
.
‘
3. An Adjective is a word joined to a substantive

ETYMOLOGY. 39
to
'
denote its quality ; as a ra
gg e
d regiment, an odd
s et.
Y
o u may distinguish an adjective by its making
sense with the wo rd thing : as, a po o r thing, a s w
e
et
thing, a co o l thing ; o r with any particular s u bs tan
tive, as a ticklis h position, an awkwa
rd mistake, a
s tran
g e step.
4. A Pronoun is a word used in lieu of a noun,
in o rder to avo id tautolo gy : as, The m
an wants
calves ; he is a lath ; he is a walking-
stick.
”
5. A Verb is a word which signiﬁes to be, to do,
o r to suffer : as, I am ; I calculate ; I am ﬁxed.
A verb may usually be distinguished by its
making sense with a personal pronoun, o r with the
wo rd to before it : as I ye
ll, he g r in s , they ca
per ;
o r to dr in k, to s m
o ke
, to chew.
Fashionable accomplishments
Certain substantives are, with peculiar elegance,
and by persons who call themselves g en tee
l, con
verted into verbs : as, Do yo u w in e Will
yo u m
alt Let me persuade yo u to che
e
s e
6. An Adverb is a part o f speech which, jo ined
to a verb, an adjective, o r another adverb, serves
to express some quality or circumstance concerning
it : as, She swears dre
ad
f u lly ; s he is in co rr ig ibly
lazy ; and She is alm
os t co n tin u ally in liquor.
”
7. An adverb is generally characterised by an
s werin
g to the question, HOW
? ho w much ? when ?

o r where ? a
s in the verse, M e
r r ily danced the
Quaker’
s wife,
”
the answer to the question,
How
did s he dance ? is, merrily.
8. Prepositions serve to connect w ords together,
and to Show the relation between them : as,
Off w ith his head, s o muchﬁr Buckingham
9 A Conjunction is used to connect not only
words, but sentences also : as , Sin ith an d Jones are
happy becau s e they are single. A miss is
as a mile.
L
SIN G LE B LESSED N ESS.

CHAPTER II.
O F THE ARTI CLE S.
THE Articles in English are two, a and a
becomes an before a vowel, and before an h which
is not sounded : as, an exquisite, an hour-
glass.
But if the h be pronounced, the a only is used :
as, a homicide, a homoeopathist, a hum.
This rule is reversed in what is termed the Cock
ney dialect : as, a inspector, a ofﬁcer, a Object, a
omnibus, a in dividual, a alderman, a honour, an
horse, or rather, a n o rs e
, an hound, an hunter, Se
e.
It is usual in the same dialect, when the article
an Should, in strict propriety, precede a wo rd, to
o mit the letter n , and further, for the sake o f
euphony and elegance, to place the aspirate h be
fore the word ; as, a hegg, a hacciden t, a hadverb,
a bo x. But sometimes, when a word begins with
an h, and has the article a before it, the aspirate is
o mitted,
the letter a remaining unchanged : as, a
’
Ogg,
a ’
edge, a ’
em
is
p
here, a ’
ouse.

ETYMOLOGY. 43
The slight libert ies which it is the privilege of
the people to take with the article and aspirate
become always most evident in the expression o f
excited feeling, when the stress which is laid upon
certain words is heightened by the peculiarity Of
the pro nunciation : as, You hign o ran t hu
p
s tart !
yo u hillit erate
’
Og !
’
Ow dare yo u to hoffer such a
hin s u lt to my hu n ders tan din
g
—Y
o u are a ho bject
o f contempt, yo u hare,
and a hin s o len t wa
go bo n d
your mother was no thing bu t a ha
p
p
le-
woman,
an d your father was an
’
u ck s ter
N o te — In the above example, the ordinary rules
o f language relative to the article and aspirate (to
s ay nothing Of the maxims Of politeness) are com
p
letely s et at nought ; but it must be remem
bered, that in common discourse the modiﬁcatio n
of the article, and the o mission or u s e of the aspi
rate, are determined by the Co ckneys according
to the ease with which particular words are pro
n o u n ced ; as,
“
Though him
p
u den t, he wam
’
t as
i mpudent as Bill wur.
”
Here the word im
pa
den t, fo llo wing a vowel-
so und, is mo st easily p
ro
n o u n ced as him
pu den t, while the same word, com
ing after a consonant, even in the same sentence,
is uttered with greater facility in the usual wa
y.
A o r an is called the indeﬁnite article, because
it is used, in a vague sense, to point o u t some one

thing belonging to a certain kind, but in other
respects indeterminate ; as ,
“
A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse
SO say grammarians. Eating-
house keepers tell
‘
a different sto ry. A cheese, in common discourse,
means an Object o f a certain shape, size, weight,
and so o n; entire and perfect ; s o that to call half
a cheese a cheese, would constitute a ﬂaw in an in
dictm
en t against a thief who had stolen o n e. But
a waiter will term a fraction, o r a mo dicum o f
cheese, a cheese ; a plate-
“
full of pudding, a pud
ding ; an d a stick o f celery, a celery, o r rather,
a s alar
y. Nay, he will even apply the article a to
a word which does n o t stand for an individual Ob!
jcet at all ; as a bread, a butter, a bacon. Here
we are reminded o f the famo us exclamation o f o n e
Of these gentry Master ! master ! there ’
s two
teas and a brandy-
and-
water just hopped over the
palings
The is termed the deﬁnite article, inasmuch
as it denotes what particu lar thing or things are
meant ; as ,
The miller he stole corn,
The weaver he stole yarn,
And the little tailor he sto le bro ad-
cloth
To keep the three ro gues warm.
”

ETYMOLOGY.
45
A substantive to which no ar
ticle is prefixed is
taken in a general sense ; as, Apple sauce is
proper for goose that is, fo r all geese.
A P P L E ‘
S A L C E .
A few additional remarks may advantageously
be made with respect to the articles. The mere
substitution Of the definite fo r the indefinite article
is capable o f changing entirely the meaning o f a

46 T
HE COMIC ENGLISH GRAMMAR.
sentence.
“
That is a ticket”
is the assertion o f
a certain fact ; but “
That is the ticket !
”
means
something which is quite different.
The article is not prefixed to a proper name ; as,
Stubbs, Wiggins, Chubb, o r Hobson, except fo r
the sake o f distinguishing a particular family, o r
description of persons ; as, He is a Burke ; that is ,
o n e o f the Burkes, o r a person resembling Burke .
The article is sometimes also prefixed to a proper
name, to point o u t some distinguished individual ;
as , The Burke, o r the great politician, o r the
resurrectionist, B urke.
W
ho is the Smith ?
The indefinite article is joined to substantives in
the singular number o nly. We have heard peo ple
s ay, ho wever, He keeps a wine-
vaults ; o r, to
quote more correctly— waltz. The definite article
may be joined to plurals also .
The definite article is frequently used with ad
verbs in the comparative and superlative degree
as , The lo nger I live, the broader I gro w ;
”
o r, as
we have all heard the Showman s a
y, This here,
gentlemen and ladies, is the vo n derfu l beagle o f
the s u n ; the
’
otterer it grows , the higherer he
flies

ETYMOLOGY. 47
CH APTER III.
SECTION I.
OF SU B STANT IVE S I N G E NE RAL.
SU B STANT IVE S are either pro per o r co mmon.
Pro per names, o r substantives, are the names
belo nging to individuals : as W
illiam
, Birmingham.
These are so metimes co nverted into nicknames,
o r i m
pro per names : as Bill, Brummagem.
Co mmo n names, o r substantives, deno te kinds
co ntaining many sorts, o r so rts containing many
individuals under them : as brute, beast, bumpkin,
cherub, infant, goblin, &c.
Pro per names, when an article is preﬁxed to
them, are emplo yed as co mmo n names : as , They
tho ught him a perfect Che
s ter
ﬁ
eld ; be quite asto
n ished the B r o wn s .
”
Co mmo n names, o n the o ther hand, are made to
deno te individuals, by the additio n o f articles o r
pro nouns : as ,
There was a little man, and he had a little gun.
That boy will be the death o f m
e

Su bstantives are co nsidered acco rding to gender,
number,
an d case ; they are all o f the third person
when spok en o
f ,
and o f the seco nd when spoken
to as ,
Matilda,
fai rest maid, who art
In co untless bumpers to asted,
0 let thy pity has te the heart
Thy fatal charms have ro asted

and o n e o r two other m
ce things, which we do
n o t at present remember.
Some neuter substantives are by a ﬁ
gu re
‘
o f
speech co nverted into the masculine o r feminine
gender : thus we s a
y o f the s u n , that when he
shines u pon a Socialist,
he shines upon a thief; and
o f the mo o n,
that s he affects the minds (
p
f lovers.
A SOC I A L I S T.
There are certain no uns with which no tions o f
strength,
vigo ur,
an d the
‘
lik e qualities, are more
particularly connected ; and these are the neuter
substantives which are fi guratively rendered m
as
cu
line.
On the other hand, beauty, amiability, and

ETYMOLOGY.
s o forth, are held to invest words with a femi nine
character. Thus the s u n is said to be masculine,
and the moon feminine. But fo r o u r o wn part, and
o u r View is conﬁrmed by the discoveries o f astro
n o m
y, we believe that the s u n is called masculine
from his supporting an d sustaining the m
oon, and
Shan’
t I shine to -
night, dear ?

finding her the wherewithal to shine away as s he
does o f a night, when all quiet people are in bed ;
and fr om his bei ng obliged to keep such a family
o f stars besides. The mo o n, we think, is ac
counted feminine, because s he is thus maintained
and kept up in her splendour, like a fine lady, by
her husband the s u n . Furthermore, the mo o n is
continually changing ; o n which account alone s he
might be referred to the feminine gender. The
earth is feminine, tricked out, as she is, with gems
and flowers. Cities and to wn s are likewise femi
nine, because there are as many windings, turnings,
and little Odd corners in them
as there are in the
female mind. A ship is feminine, inasmuch as she
is blown about by every wind. Virtue is feminine
by courtesy. Fortune and m
is fortune,
like mother
and daughter, are both feminine. The Church is
feminine, because s he is married to the state ; o r
married to the state because She is feminine — w e
do n o t know which. Time is masculine,
because
he is s o trifled with by the ladies.
The English language distinguishes the s ex in
three manners ; namely,
1. By different words ; as ,
MALE FEMALE

ETYMOLOGY.
FEMALE.
several o ther
Words we don’
t mentio n,
(Pray pardon the crime, )
Worth your attention,
But wanting in rhyme.
By a difference Of termination ; as,
MALE.
Poet
Lion
3. By a no un, pronoun, or
ﬁxed to the substantive ; as,
53
FEMALE.
Poetess.
Lioness, 8Lc.
adjective being

MALE.
F EMALE.
A cock-
lobster A hen-
lobster.
A jack-
ass A jenny- ass (vernacular).
A man-
servant, A maid-
servant,
o r flu n k e
y. o r Abigail.
A he-
bear (like A she- bear (like
King Harry).
Queen Bess).
A male flirt (a A female flirt (a
rare animal). co mmon animal).
We have heard it said, that every Jack has his
Jill. That may be ; but it is by no means true
that every cock has his hen ; for there is a
Cock-
swain, but no Hen-
swain.
Cock-
eye, bu t no Hen-
eye.
Cock-
ade, bu t no Hen-
ade.
Cock-
atrice, but no Hen-
atrice.
Cock-
ho rse, but no Hen-
ho rse.
Cock-
ney, but n o Hen-
ney.
Then we have a weather-
cock, but no weather
hen ; a turn-
cock, but no turn-
hen ; and many a
j o lly cock, but not o n e jolly hen ; unless we except
so me o f those by whom their mates are peek ed.
Some words ; as, parent, child, co usin, friend,
neighbour, servant, and several others, are either
m
ale or female, acco rding to circumstances. The
word blue (used as a substantive) is o n e o f this class.
It is a great pity that our language is s o poor in
the terminations that denote gender. Were we to

ETYMOLOGY. 5 5
s a
y o f a woman, that She is a rogue, a knave, a
scamp, o r a vagabond,
we feel that we should use,
n o t o nly strong but improper expressions. Yet we
have no corresponding terms to apply, in case o f
n ecessity, to the female. Why is this ? Doubtless
because we never want them. For the same reason,
o u r forefathers transmitted to us the wo rds, phi
lo s o
p
her, astrono mer, philo lo ger, an d s o forth,
witho ut any fem
inine equivalent. Alas ! fo r the
wisdom o f o u r ancestors ! They never calculated
o n the March o f Intellect.
We understand that it is in contemplation to
coin a n ew wo rd, m
em
be
re
s s ; it being co nfidently
expected that by the time the new Houses o f Par
liam
en t are finished, the pro gress o f civilisation will
have furnished us with female representatives.
In that case the House will he an assembly Of
Spe
ake
rs .
But if all the Old women are to be turned out o f
St. Stephen’
s, and their places to be filled with
young o nes,
the nation will hardly be a loser by
the change.
SE CTION III.
OF NUMBER.
Number is the consideratio n o f an o bject as o n e
or more ; as, o n e po et, two , three, fo ur, five poets ;
an d s o o n , ad in fi
n itu m
.

5 6 THE COMIC ENGLISH GRAMMAR.
Other
'
co u n tries may reckon u
p as many poets
as they please ; England has o n e m
o re.
The singular number expresses o n e Object only ;
as, a towel, a viper.
The plural signiﬁes more objects than o n e ; as,
towels, vipers.
Some nouns are used only in the singular num
ber ; dirt, pitch, tallow, grease, ﬁlth, butter, aspa
ragus, 81C. others only in the plural ; as, galli
gaskins, breeches, Sa
c.
Some words are the same in both n umbers ; as,
sheep, swine, an d
l
s o m
e others.
A doctor, both to sheep and swine,
Said Mrs. Glass, I am ;
F o r legs o f mutton I can dr e
ss ,
And shine in cu r in
g ham.
”
The plural number o f nouns is usually formed
by adding s to the Si ngular ; as , dove, doves, love,
loves, 8 m
.
Julia, do ve return s to do ve
,
Quid pro qu o , and lo ve fo r love ;
Happy in o u r mutual lo ve
s ,
Let us live like turtle dove
s

A few Sin
g u lar P lu rals, or Plurals popularly
varied, are as fo llow
SIN GULAR. PLURAL.
Beast Beas tes, beas tices.
Crust Cru s tes .
Gust Gustes.
Ghost Gho s tes .
Host
’
Hostes.
Jo ist JOis tes .
Mist Mists s.
N est N estes.
Post, Sa
c. Po stes, po s tices, SI C.
N o te — The singular is often used, by a kind o f
licence con ceded to persons o f reﬁnement, fo r the
plural ; as , May I trouble you for a be
an
Will you assist Miss Spriggins to a
pe
a So
also people s a
y,
“
A few g re
en .
” “
Two o r three
r adis h,
”
860.
SE CTION IV .
OF CASE.
There is nearly as much differen ce between
Latin and English substantives, with respect to
the number o f cases pertaining to each, as there is
between a quack-
doctor and a physician ; fo r while
in Latin substantives have s ix cases, in English
they have but three. But the analogy Should n o t

ETYMOLOGY. 59
be strained too far ; fo r the fo o ls in the wo rld (who
furnish the quack with his cases) mo re than double
the number o f the wise.
A V ER Y B A D CA SE.
The cases o f substantives are these : the Nomi
native,
the Possessive o r Genitive, and the Oh
jective o r Accusative.
The No minative Case merely expresses the
nam
e o f a thing, o r the subject o f the verb : as ,
The docto rs differ; The patient dies !
”

Possession, which is nine points o f the law, is
what is signiﬁed by the Possessive Case. This
case is distinguished by an apostrophe, with the
letter s subjo ined to it : as, M y soul’
s idol !
”
A pudding’
s end.
”
But when the plural ends in s , the apo strophe
o nly is retained, an d the other s is o mitted : as,
The Ministers’
Step ; The Rogues’
March ;
Croco diles’
tears ;
”
Butchers’
mo urning.
”
When the singular terminates in s s , the letter s
is so metimes, in like manner, dispen sed with : as,
F o r go o dness’
sake !
”
F o r righteo usness’
sake !
”
Nevertheless, we have no objectio n to
Guinness’
s ”
Stout.
The Objective Case fo llo ws a verb active,
and
expresses the Object Of an actio n, o r Of a relation :
as , Spring beat Bill ;
”
that is, Bill o r William
N eate. Hence, perhaps, the American phrase,
I ’
ll lick you ele
g an t.
”
By the by, it seems to us, that when the Ame
ricans revolted from the authority o f England, they
determined also to revo lu tionise their language.
The Objective Case is also used with a preposi
tion : as, Y
o u are in a mess.
”
English substantives may he declined in the
following manner

ETYMOLOGY. 6 1
SINGULAR.
What is the nominative case
Of her who used to wash your face,
Yo ur hair to comb, yo ur boots to lace ?
A m
o the
r
What the possessi ve ? Whose the slap
That taught yo u n o t to Spill yo ur p
ap
,
Or to avo id a like mishap ?
A m
othe
r
’
s
And Shall I the o bjective Show ?
What do I hear where’
er I go ?
Ho w is your — who m they mean I kno w,
My m
o ther
PLURAL.
Who are the anxio us watchers o
’
er
The slumbers o f a little bore,
That screams whene’
er it do esn’
t snore ?
Why, m
o thers
Whose pity wipes its piping eyes,
And stills maturer Childhoo d’
s cries,
Sto pping its mouth with cakes and pies ?
Oh ! m
o thers
’
And who m, when master, ﬁerce and fell,
Dus ts tru ant varlets’
jackets well,
Whom do they,
ro aring, run and tell ?
Their m
o thers
G

C H A P T E R IV.
OF ADJ E CT IVE S.
SE CTION I.
OF THE NATURE OF ADJECTIVES AN D THE DEGREE S OF
COMPARISON.
AN English Adjective, whatever may be its gen
der, number, o r case, like a rusty weathercock,
n ever varies. Thus we s ay,
“
A certain cabinet ;
certain rogues.
But as a rusty weathercock ”
may vary in being
more o r less ru sty, s o an adjective vari es In the
degrees o f comparison.
The degrees o f C
omparison, like the genders, the
Graces, the Fates, the Kings o f Co lo gne, the
Weird Sisters, the Jolly Postboys, and many o ther
things, are three ; the Positive, the Comparative,
and the Superlativ
The Positive state simply expresses the quality
o f an Object ; as, fat, ugly, foolish.

ETYMOLOGY. 63
The Comparative degree in creases o r lessens the
signiﬁcation o f the positive ; as, fatter, uglier, more
fo olish, less fo olish.
The Superlative degree increases o r lessens the
po sitive to the highest o r lowest degree ; as , fattest,
ugliest, most foolish, least foo lish.
Amo ngst the ancients, Ulysses was the f atte
s t,
because nobody could co m
pas s him.
Aristides the Just was the u
g lie
s t, because he
was s o very plain .
The most f o o lis h, undoubtedly, was Homer ; fo r
who was more n atu ral than he ?
The po sitive becomes the comparative by the
addition o f r o r or and the superlative by the ad
dition of s t o r e
s t to the end o f it ; as, brown,
browner, brownest ; stout, stouter, stoutest heavy,
heavier, heaviest ; wet, wetter, wettest. The ad
verbs m
o re an d m
os t, preﬁxed to the adjective, also
fo rm
the superlative degree ; as , heavy, m
o r
heavy, mo st heavy.
M ost heavy is the drink of draymen : hence, p
er
haps,
the w e
ig ht o f those impo rtant personages.
M ore of this, however, in o u r forthcoming wo rk on
Phrenology.
M onosyllables are usually compared by er and
e
s t,
and dissyllables by m
o re and m
o s t ; except dis
syllables ending in
y o r in lo before a mute, o r those

which are accented o n the last syllable ; for these,
like monosyllables, easily admit o f er and e
s t. But
these terminations are scarcely ever used in com
paring words o f more than two syllables.
W
e have some words, which, from custom, are
irregular in respect of co mparison ; as, good, bet
ter, best ; bad, worse, worst, Si c. Much amuse
ment may be derived from the compariso ns o f ad
jectives, as made by natural grammarians ; a class
o f beings who generally inhabit the kitchen o r
stable, but may sometimes be met with in more
elevated regions. A few examples will n o t be o u t
of place. W
e are n o t speaking o f s e
r van ts , but o f
degrees Of comparison ; as,
POSITIVE COMPARATIVE. SUPERLATIVE.
Mo re better,
betterer o r m
o re
betterer.
M o re tighter,
M o s t tightes t .
tighterer o r m
ore
tighterer.
W
us s o r wus s er
M o re han ds o m
e
r like
Extrava
gan ter,
m
ore extravagan ter.
Stu pider,
m
o re s tu pider.
Little Littler,
m
ore littler.
With many others.
W
us t o r wu s s es t.
M o s t han ds o m
es t.
E xtrava
gan tes t,
m
o s t extrava
gan tes t.
Stu pides t,
m
o s t s tu
p
ides t .
Littles t,
m
o s t littles t.

we shall perceive that the degrees o f it are infinite
in number, or at least indefinite and he proceeds
to s a
y,
“
A mo untain is larger than a mite ; by ho w
many degrees ?
HOW
much bigger is the earth
than a grain o f sand ? By ho w many degrees was
Socrates wiser than Alcibiades ? o r by how many
is snow whiter than this paper ? It is plain,
quoth Lindley,
“
that to these and the like ques
tions n o definite answers can be returned.
”
No ; but an impertinent o n e may. As k the first
charity-
bo
y you m
eet any o n e o f them, and s ee if
he does not immediately respond,
“
Ax my eye
o r, As much again as half.
”
Bu t when quantity can be exactly m
easured, the
degrees o f exces s may be exactly ascertained. A
foot is just twelve times as long as an inch ; a
tailor is nine times less than a m
an
M oreover, to compensate fo r the in defi
n iten es s
o f the degrees o f compariso n, we use certain ad
verbs and words o f like import,
whereby we render
our meaning tolerably intelligible ; as , Byron was
a m
u ch greater poet than Muggins.
“
Honey is
a
g re
at de
al sweeter than wax.
” “
Sugar is co n
s iderably more pleasant than the cane.
”
M aria
says,
that Dick the butcher is b
y fi
z
r the most
k illing yo ung m
an she knows.
The words very, exceedingly, and the like, placed

ETYMOLOGY. 67
befo re the positive, give it the force of the super
lative ; and this is called by some the superlative
o f eminence, as distinguished from the superlative
o f comparison. Thus, Very Reverend is termed
the superlative o f eminence, although it is the title
o f a dean , not o f a cardinal ; and M o st Reverend,
the appellatio n Of an Archbishop, is called the
superlative o f comparison.
A B is ho
p, In o u r opinio n, is M o s t E xcellen t.
The comparative is sometimes s o emplo yed as to
express the same pre- emi nence o r inferiority as the
superlative F o r instance ; the sentence,
“
Of all
the cultivators o f science, the botanist is the most
crafty,
”
has the same meaning as the fo llo win g
“
The botanist is more crafty than any other cul
tivato r o f science.
Why ?
some o f our readers will as k
Because he is acquainted with all sorts o f plan ts .

C H A P T E R V.
OF P RONOU NS.
PRONOU NS o r proxy-
noun s are o f three kinds ;
namely, the Personal, the Relative, and the Ad
jective Prono uns.
N o te — That when we said, some few pages back,
that a pronoun was a word used instead Of a noun,
we did n o t mean to call such words as thin g u m
i
bob, whatsin am
e, what- d’
ye-
call-
it, and the like,
pronouns.
And that, although we shall proceed to treat o f
the pronouns in the English language, we shall
have nothing to do, at present, with what some
peo ple pleas e to call pronoun-
ciation .
SECTION I.
OF THE PERSONAL PRONOUNS.
M R . HAD D AM S, don’
t be personal, Sir I”
I ’
m
n o t, Sir.
”
You ba
r, Sir
W
hat did I s a
y, Sir —
tell me that.
”

ETYMOLOGY.
69
Y
o u reﬂected on my p
erfes s io n ,
Sir ; you said,
as there was s o m
e people as always stuck u p fo r
the clo th and yo u in s in n ivated that certa
i n parties
dined o ff g oos e by means o f cabba
g in
g fromthe
parish.
I as k any gentleman in the wes try,
an’
t personal ?
”
A SELECT V ES'
I R Y
.

Vell, Sir, vo t I says I ’
ll stick to.
Yes, Sir, like vax, as the saying is .
Wot d’
ye mea
n by that, Sir ?
”
Wot I s ay, Sir !
”
Y
o u
’
re a individual,
Sir
Y
o u
”
re another, Sir !
”
“
You ’
re no gentleman,
Sir
Y
o u
’
re a humbug,
Sir
You ’
re a knave, Sir !
”
Y
o u
’
re a ro gue, Sir
Y
o u
’
re a w agabo n d, Sir !
”
You ’
re a willain , Sir !
”
Y
o u
’
re a tailor, Sir
You ’
re a cobbler, Sir !
”
(Order ! order ! chair !
chair
The above is what is called personal language.
Ho w many diﬂ
'
eren t things o n e word serves to
express in English ! A pronoun may be as per
so nal as possible, and yet nobody will take Offence
at it.
There are ﬁve Personal Pronouns ; nam
ely, I,
thou, he, she, it ; with their plurals, we, ye or yo u ,
they.
Personal Pronouns admit o f person, number,
gender, and case.
Pronouns have three persons in each number.

ETYM OLOGY. 71
In the Singular;
I, is the first perso n.
Thou, is the seco nd person.
He, she, o r it, is the third person.
In the plural ;
We, is the first person.
Ye o r you, is the seco nd perso n.
They, is the third perso n.
This acco unt o f perso ns will be very intelligible
when the following Pastoral Fragment is reflected
o n
I love thee, Susan, o n my life
Tho u art the maiden fo r a wife.
He who lives single is an ass ;
She who ne’
er weds a luckless lass.
It
’
s tireso me work to live alone ;
So come with me, and be my o wn .
S HE .
W
e maids are o ft by men deceived ;
Y
e do n’
t deserve to be believed ;
Y
o u don’
t but there ’
s my hand heigho
The
y tell u s ,
women can’
t s a
y no
The speaker o r speakers are o f the first perso n ;
those spo ken to , o f the second ; and those spoken
Of, o f the third.

Of the three persons, the first is the most uni
vers ally admired.
The second is the Object o f much adulation and
flattery, and n o w and then Of a little abuse.
The third person is generally made small ac
count Of ; and, amongst other grievances, suffers a
great deal fro m being frequently bitten about the
back.
The Numbers o f pronouns, like those o f s u b
s tan tives, are, as we have already seen, two ; the
singular an d the plural.
In addressing yo urself to anybody, it is custom
ary to u s e the second perso n plural instead of the
singular. This practice most probably arose from
a notion, that to be thought twice the m
an that the
speaker w as, gratified the vanity o f the person ad
dressed. Thus, the French put a double M o n
sieur o n the backs o f their letters.
Editors say We, instead o f “
I,
”
o u t Of mo
des ty.
The Quakers continue to s a
y thee”
and thou,
in the u s e o f which pronouns, as well as in the
wearing o f bro ad- brimmed hats and o f stand-
u
p
collars, they perceive a peculi ar sanctity.
Gender has to do only with the third person
singular o f the pro no uns, he, s he, it. He is mas
culine ; s he is feminine ; it is neuter.

74 THE COM IC ENGLISH GRAMMAR.
CASE
Reader, Mem.
We beg to info rmthee, that the third person
plural has no distinction o f gender.
SE CTIO N II.
OF THE RELATIVE PRONOUNS.
THE Pronouns called Relative are such as r e
late, for the most part, to some word o r phrase,
called the antecedent, o n account o f its going be
fo re : they are, who , which, and that : as,
“
The
man who does not drink enough when he can get
it, is a fool ; but he that drinks too much is a
beast.
”
W
hat is usually equivalent to that which, an d is,
therefore, a kind o f compound relative, containing
both the antecedent and the relative ; as, Y
o u
want what you ’
ll very soon have !
”
that is to s a
y,
the thin
g which yo u will very soon have.

E TY
MOLOGY. 75
W
ho is applied to persons, which to animals and
things without life ; as,
“
He is a g e
n tlem
an who
keeps a horse and lives respectably.
”
To the
do
g which pinned the Old woman, they cried,
Ca
esar This is the tre
e which Larkins call
ed a helm.
Larkins — I s ay, N ibbs, ven is a helm bo x like a
asthmatical chest ?
Nibbs.
—
Ven it ’
S a co
ﬁ
in .
Th at, as a relative, is used to prevent the to o
frequent repetition Of who and which, and is ap
plied both to perso ns and things ; as,
“
He that
stops the bo ttle is a Co rk man.
” “
This is the
ho use that Jack built.
”
W
ho is Of both numbers ; and s o is an Edito r ;
fo r, according to what we observed just n o w, he is
bo th singular and plural. W
ho, we repeat,
is Of
both n umbers, and is thus declined :
SINGULAR AN D PLURAL.
Nominative
Genitive.
Accusative.
W
hich, that, and
Who
Is the maiden to woo ?
Whose
Hand shall I choose ?
Whom
To despair shall I doom ?
what are indeclinable : except

76 THE COM IC E N GLISH GR AM M AR .
that whos e is sometimes used as the possessive case
o f which as,
The ro e, poor dear, laments amain,
I
/
V
hos e sweet hart was by hunter slain .
Thus whos e is substituted fo r
o
f which, in the
following example
There is a blacking famed, o
f which
The sale made Day and Martin rich ;
There is another blacking, whos e
Compounder patronised the Muse.
”
W
ho, which, and what, when they are used in
asking questions, are called Interrogatives ; as,
W
ho is Mr. W
alker ?
”
W
h ich is the left side
o f a round plum- pudding ?”
W
h at is the dam
age ?
”
Those who have made popular phraseology their
study, will have found that which is sometimes
used fo r whe
re
as , and words of like signiﬁcation ;
as in Dean Swift’
s “
Mary the Coo kmaid’
s Letter
to Dr. Sheridan ”
“
And n o w I know whereby you would fain make
an excuse,
See W
a
rren
’
s Ode to Kitty o f Sho e Lan e,
Advertis e
m
en ts,
Lon do n Pres s , pass im
.

ETYMOLOGY. 77
Because my master o n e day in anger call
’
d yo u
a goose ;
W
hich, and I am sure I have been his servant
since Octo ber,
And he never called me worse than sweetheart,
drunk o r sober.
”
W
hat, o r, to speak more im
properly, wo t, is
generally substituted by cabmen and costermongers
for who as , The do nkey wo t wouldn’
t go.
”
The
man wo t sweeps the cro ssing.
”
That, likewise, is very frequently rejected by the
vulgar, who u s e as in its place ; as, Them as asks
shan’
t have any ; and them as don’
t as k don’
t want
any.
”
SE CTION III.
OF THE A DJ E CTIVE PRONOUNS.
ADJ E CTIVE pronouns partake o f the nature o f
both pronouns and adjectives. They may be s u b
divided into four sorts : the possessive, the dis tri
bu tive, the demonstrative, and the indeﬁnite.
The possessive pronouns are those which imply
possession o r property. Of these there are seven ;
namely, m
y, thy, his, he
r, o u r, yo u r, their.
The word s e
l
f is added to possessives ; as, m
y
self, yourself, Says I to myself, says I.
”
Se
lf is
H 3

78 THE COM IC ENGLISH GR AM M AR .
also sometimes used with personal pronouns ; as ,
himself, itself, themselves. His self is a common,
but not a proper expression.
SE LF -
ESTEEM .
The distributive are three : each, eve
r
y , eithe
r
they denote the individual perso ns o r things sepa
rately,
which, when taken together, make up a
number.
E ach is used when two o r more persons o r

ETYMOLOGY. 79
things are mentioned singly ; as, e
ach o f the
Catos each o f the Browns.
”
E ver
y relates to one o u t o f several ; as, E ver
y
mare is a horse, but e
ve
r
y ho rse is not a mare.
”
E ither refers to o n e o u t o f two ; as,
When I between two jockeys ride,
I have a knave o n eithe
r side.
”
N eithe
r signifies “
n o t either ; as “
N eithe
r o f
the Baco ns w as related to Ho gg.
”
The demo nstrative pronouns precisely point o u t
the subjects to which they relate ; such are this
and that, with their plurals the
s e and thos e ; as,
“
This is a fo reign Prince ; that is an English
Peer.
”
This refers to the nearest perso n or thing, and
to the latter o r last mentio ned ; that to the mo st
distant, an d to the fo rmer o r first mentioned ; as,
This is a man ; that is a nondescript.
”
At the
period o f the Reformation in Scotland, a curious
co ntrast between the ancient and modern eccle
s ias tical systems was o bserved ; fo r while that had
been always maintained by a B u ll, this was n o w
suppo rted by a Kn ox.
”
The indefinite are those which express their
subjects in an indefinite or general manner ; as ,
s o m
e
, o the
r, an
y, o n e
, all, s u ch, 8 m
.

80 THE COM IC
‘
E N GLISH GRAMMAR.
When the deﬁnite article the comes before the
word o ther, those who do not know better, are ac
customed to strike o u t the he in the, and to s ay,
t
’
other .
The same persons also use o the
r in the co m
pa
rative degree ; for sometimes, instead o f saying
quite the reverse, o r perhaps rewers e, they avail
themselves o f the expression, m
ore t
’
o the
r.
So much for the Pronouns.

THE COMIC ENGLISH GRAMMAR.
A Verb Neuter expresses neither action n o r
passion, but a state of being ; as, I bounce, I lie.
Fact , M adam
Gracr
ou s , M a
jor
Of Verbs Regular, Irregular, and Defective, we
shall have somewhat to s ay hereafter.
Verbs Comic are, fo r the most part, verbs which
cann ot be found in the dictionary, and are used to

ETYMOLOGY. 83
express ordinary actions in a jo cular manner ; as,
to morris,
”
to “
bolt,
”
to mizzle,
”
which signify
to go o r to depart ; to bone,
”
to prig,
”
that is to
s a
y, to steal ; to co llar,
”
which means to seize, an
expression pro bably derived from the mode o f pre
hen sio n , o r rather apprehensi on characteristic o f
the New Police, as it is o n e very much in the
mouths o f those who mo st frequently come in con
tact with that body : to “
lush,
”
o r drink ; to grub,
”
o r eat ; to sell,
”
o r deceive, 850.
Under the head o f Verbs Comic, the Yankee
isms, I calculate,
”
I reckon,
”
I realise,
”
I
guess, and the like, may also be properly enu
m
erated.
Auxiliary, o r helping Verbs (by the way, we
marvel that the Americans do not call their s er
vants auxiliaries instead o f helps, ) are those, by
the help o f which we are chieﬂy enabled to con
jugate o u r verbs in English. They are, do , be,
have, shall, will,
m
a
y, can , with their variations ;
an d let and must, which have n o variation.
Let, however, when it is an
ythin
g bu t a hel
pin
g
verb, as , fo r instance, when it signiﬁes to hin der,
makes lettest and letteth. The phrase, This
House to Let, generally used instead o f to be
let,
”
really meaning the reverse of what it is in
tended to convey, is a piece o f comic En glish.

To verbs belong Number, Person, Mood, and
Tense. These m
a
y be called the properties o f a
verb ; and like those of o pium, they are sopo
rifero u s properties. There are two very impo r
tant o bjects which the writer of every book has,
o r ought to have in view, to get a reader who
is wide awake, and to keep him s o : — the latter
o f whi ch,
when Number,
Person, Mood, and Tense
are to be treated o f, is n o such easy matter ; s ee
ing that the said writer is then in some danger
o f going to sleep himself. Never mind. If we
nod, let the reader wink. What can’
t be cured
must be endured.
SE CTION II.
OF NUMB E R A N D PE RSON.
VE RB S have two numbers,
the Singular and
the Plural ; as, I ﬁddle, we ﬁddle, &c.
In each number there are three p
ersons ; as
SINGULA R. PLURAL.
First Person 1 love We love.
Second Person Tho u lovest Ye o r
yo u love.
Third Perso n He loves They love.
What a deal there is in every Grammar about
love ! Here the fo llo wing Lines, by a Yo ung
Lady (n o w no more), addressed to Lindley Mur
ray, deserve to be recorded

power, will, o r obligatio n : as, A waiter m
a
y be
ho nest. Y
o u may stand upo n truth o r lie. I can
fi
lch. He would cozen. They should learn.
”
The Subjunctive Mood is used to represent a
thing as do ne conditionally ; an d is preceded by a
conjunction, expressed o r understo o d, and aecom
pan ied by ano ther verb : as, !f the skies should
fall, larks would be caught.
” “
Were I to pun ch
your head, I should serve you right that is , if
I were to punch yo ur head.
”
The Infinitive Moo d expresses a thing generally,
w itho ut limitation, an d witho ut any distinctio n o f
number o r person : as, to quarrel, to fight, to be
licked.
”
The Participle is a peculiar form o f the verb,
an d is s o called, because it participates in the pro
perties bo th o f a verb and o f an adjective : as,
M ay I have the pleasure o f dan cin
g with yo u ?
”
M o u n te
d o n a tub he addressed the bystanders.
Havin
g uplifted a stave
, they departed.
”
The Participles are three ; the Present o r Ac
tive,
the Perfect o r Passive, and the Compound
Perfect : as ,
I felt nervous at the thought o f po
p
pin
g the questio n, but that once po
p
pe
d, I was not
sorry fo r havin
g po
p
ped it.
”
The worst o f po
p
pin
g the question is, that the
r e
po rt is always sure to get abro ad.

ETYMOLOGY. 87
S E C T I O N IV .
OF THE TE NSE S.
TE NSE is the distinction o f time, and co nsists o f
s ix divisions, namely, the Present, the Imperfect,
the Perfect, the Pluperfect, and the First and
Second Future Tenses.
Time is als o distinguished by a fore lock, scythe
,
and hour-
glass ; but the yo uthful reader must bear
in mind, that these things are not to be confounded
with tenses.
The Present Tense, as its name implies, re
p
re
sents an action o r event occurring a
t the present
time : as ,
I lament ; rogues prosper ; the mob
rules .
The Imperfect Tense represents a p
ast actio n
o r event, but which, like a mutton cho p, may be
either thoroughly do ne, o r n o t tho ro ughly do ne ;
were it m
eet, we sho uld say u n der-
do n e a
s ,
When I was a little boy so me ﬁfteen years a
go ,
My mammy do ted o n me— Lork she m
ade
me quite a show.
”
When o u r reporter left, the Honourable Gen
tlem
a
n was still on his legs.

The legs o f most “
Honourable Gentlemen
must be tolerably stout ones ; fo r the “
majority”
do n o t stand o n triﬂes . However, we are not
going to co m
m
it ourselves, like s o m
e fo lks, nor to
g e
t co m
m
itted, like o ther folks ; s o we will leave
Ho n o u rable Gentlemen
”
to manage matters their
o wn wa
y.
The Perfect Tense declares a thing to have been
done at some time, though an indeﬁnite one, ante
ce
dent to the present time. That, how
ever, which
the Perfect Tense represents as done, is com
p
letely, o r, as we s ay o f John Bull, when he is
hum
bugged by the thimble-
rig people, regularly
done ; as, I have be
e
n o u t o n the river.
”
I have
cau
g ht a crab.
Catching a crab is a thing r e
g u larly (in another
sense than completely) done, when civic swains
pull young ladies up to Richmond. We beg to
inform persons unacquainted with aquatic phrase
ology, that pulling up ”
young ladies, o r others,
is a very different thing from pulling up ”
an
omnibus conductor o r a cabman. W
hat an equi
vocal language is ours ! How much less agree
able to be pulled u
p
”
at Bow Street than to be
pulled up in a Wherry ! ho w wide the disere
pancy between pulling up radishes an d pul
ling up ”
horses !

90 THE COMI C E N GLISH GRAMMAR.
time ; a
s , The tailor will s e
n d my coat home to
morrow and when I find it perfectly convenient, I
s hall pa
y him.
”
The Second Fu ture intimates that the action
will be completed at o r before the time o f another
future action o r event ; as, I wonder how many
conquests I s hall have m
ade by to-
morrow morn
In
g.
N. B. One ball is often the means o f killing
a great many people.
The consideration o f the tenses suggests various
moral reflections to the thinking mind.
A few examples will perhaps s u fi
ice
1. P r es e
n t, tho ugh moderate fruitio n, is pre
ferable to splendid, but co ntingent fi
ttu r ity i. e.
A bird in the han d is w orth two in the bush.
2. Im
per
f ect nutritio n is less to be deprecated
than privation o f aliment ;
-
a new way o f putting
an old proverb, which we need not again insert,
respecting half a loaf.
3. P e
r
f ect callidity was the distinguishing attri
bute of the Curved Pedestrian.
Callidity is another word for craftiness ; but for
the exercise o f the reader’
s ingenuity, we fo rbear
to mention the perso n alluded to as s o remarkable
for his astutious qualities.

ETYMOLOGY. 9 I
Q. What species of wr itin
g is most conducive to
morality
SECTION V.
THE CONJ UGATION o r THE AUXILIARY VE RBS To HAVE AN D
To B E .
W
E have o bserved that boys,
in conjugating
verbs, give n o indications o f delight, except that
which an ingenuo us dispositio n always feels in the
acquisitio n o f knowledge. Now, having arrived at
that part of the Grammar in which it beco mes
necessary that these same verbs should be co n
s idered, we feel o urselves in an awkward dilemma.
The omission o f the con jugatio ns is a s e
r io u s
omission — which, o f course, is objectionable in a
com
ic work — an d the insertio n o f them would be
equally serious, and therefore quite as improper.
What s hall we do ? We will ado pt a middle co urse ;
referring the reader to Murray and other talented
authors fo r full informatio n o n these matters ; and
requesting himto be content with o u r conﬁning
ourselves to what is more especially su itable to
these pages— a short summary o f the Com
icalitie
s
of verbs.
The Conjugation o f a verb is the regular co m

9 2 THE COMIC EN GLISH G RAMMAR.
binatio n and ar rangement of its numbers, persons,
moods, and tenses.
The Comicalities o f verbs co nsist in certain li
berties taken with their numbers, persons, moods,
an d tenses.
The Co njugatio n of an active verb is called the
Active Voice, and that o f a passive Verb the Pas
sive Voice.
If verbs have vo ices, it is but reasonable that
walls should have ears.
The auxiliary an d active verb To Have is thus
peculiarly conjugated by some people in some o f
its moods an d tenses .
TO HAVE.
I NDICATI VE MOOD.
P RE SE NT TE NSE .
SINGULA R. PLURAL.
1. Pers. I has . 1 . Pers. We has .
2. Thee ’
s t. 2. Ye o r
yo u has .
3. He ’
ve. 3. They has .
PE RFE CT TE NSE .
SINGULA R.
I. I ’
ze had. 1. We ze had.
2. Thee ’
s t had. 2. Ye o r you ’
ze had.
3. He ’
ve had. 3. They ’
ze had.

I NFI NITIVE MOOD.
Present, TO ha’
.
Perfect, TO a had.
PA RTI CI PL E S.
Present o r Active,
Perfect,
Compound Perfect,
The auxiliary and neuter
treated as follows
TO BE.
(Toby or n o t To by ?; that is the question
I NDI CATI VE MOOD.
PRE SE NT TE NSE .
PLURAL.
l.
‘
I be.
1. W
e be.
2. Thee bist 2. Ye o r you be.
3. He s he or it a
m
. 3. They be o r am.
I MPE RFE CT TE NSE .
SINGULA R.
PLURAL
l. I wor, o r wu s.
Q. Thee wort.
3. He wur.
When I s ay as
Havu n o r Avun.
’
Ad.
Havan ’
ad.
verb TO Be, is mal
1. We wus.
2. Ye o r you w u s .
3. They wur.
mean, as you were.

ETYMOLOGY. 9 5
PE RFE CT TE NSE
S INGULA R.
1. I ’
ve a bin.
2. Thee ’
s t a bin.
3. He ”
ve a bin.
IMPE RATIVE M OOD.
SINGULA R. PLURAL.
1. Let I be. I . Let we be.
2 . Be thee o r
’
s t thee be. 2. D O
’
ee be.
3. Let n u be. 3. Let u m
be.
I N F I NITIVE MOOD.
Present Tense, F o r to be. Perfect, F o r to ha’
bin.
PA RTI CIPL E S.
Present, Beun. Perfect, Bin .
Co mpound Perfect, Havu n bin.
If bein
g a yo u n s ter, I had n o t been smitten ,
Of havin
g be
e
n jilted I should n o t complain,
Take warning fro m me all ye lads who are bitten,
When this part Of Grammar o ccurs to yo ur brain.
As there is a certain in te
n s ity Of feeling abroad,
which renders people indisposed to tro uble them
selves with ve
r bal matters, we shall take the li
berty Of making very sho rt work Of the Regu
lar V erbs. Even Murray can only affo rd to con
jugate o n e example,
— TO Love. The learner
PLURAL.
1. We ’
ve a bin .
2. Ye o r
y
o u ’
ve a bin.
3. They ’
ve a bin.

must amplify this part Of the Grammar fo r him
self : an d we recommend him to substitute fo r
“
to love,
”
some word less harrowing to a s en
s itive mind : as,
“
to fleece, to tax,
”
verbs which
excite disagreeable emotions only in a sordid o n e ;
and which also , by associatio n Of ideas, co nduct
us to useful reflections o n Po litical Econo my. W
e
advise all who mit may concern, however, to p
a
y
the greatest attentio n to this part Of the Grammar,
and before they come to the Verbs Regular, to
make a particular study Of the Auxiliary Verbs
not o nly fo r the excellent reaso ns s et forth in
Tristram Shandy,
”
but also to avoid those awk
ward mistakes in which the Comicalities Of the
Verbs, or Verbal Comicalities, chiefly consist.
Did it rain to-
mo rrow asked M onsieur Gre
nouille.
Y
es it was I replied Monsieu r Crapaud.
We propose the following as an au xiliar
y m
ode
o f conjugating ve
rbs z— “
I lo ve to roam on the
crested foam, Thou lo ves t
‘
tO roam o n the crested
foam,
He lo ves to roam o n the crested fo am, We‘
love to ro am o n the crested foam, Ye o r you lo ve
to roam o n the crested foam, They love to roam
o n the crested fo am,
”
St e. These wo rds, if s et
to music, might serve for a grammatical g lee
, and
would, at all events, be productive of m
ir th.

SECTION V I.
THE CONJ UGATION OF RE GULAR VE RBS ACTIVE .
RE GUL A R VE RB S ACTIVE are known by their
fo rming their imperfect tense Of the indicative
mood, and their perfect participle, by adding to the
verb ed, o r d only when the verb ends in e : as,
PRE SE NT. IMPE RFE CT. PE RF. PA R TIC IP.
I recko n. I recko ned. Reckoned.
I realise. I realised. Realised.
Here Sho uld fo llo w the co njugation Of the regu
lar active verb, o r, as a Co ckney Romeo would s ay,
the r e
g u lar torturing verb, TO Love ; but we have
already assigned a go o d reason fo r omitting it ;
besides which we have to s a
y, that we think it a
verb highly unﬁt fo r co njugation by yo uth, as it
tends to put ideas into their heads which they
wo uld o therwise never hav e tho ught Of; an d it is
mo reover o u r Opinio n, that several o f o u r mo st
gifted poets may, with reaso n, have attributed those
unfo rtunate attachments which, though formed in
early yo uth, served to embitter their who le lives,
to the poiso n which they thus sucked in with the
milk, s o to speak,
Of their Mother To ngue,
the
Grammar.

ETYMOLOGY. 9 9
PASSIVE .
V erbs Passive are said to be regular, when their
perfect participle is fo rmed by the addition of d, o r
e
d t o the verb : as, from the verb “
TO bless,
”
is
formed the passive,
“
I am blessed, I was blessed,
I shall be blessed,
”
S
i c.
The conjugation o f a passive verb is no thing
mo re than the repetitio n Of that Of the au xiliary
TO Be, the perfect participle being added.
And n o w, having cut the regular verbs (as Alex
ander did the Gordian kno t)instead Of conjuga
ting
them, let us,
proceed to consider the
IRRE GULA R VE RB S.
SE CTION V II.
IRRE G UL A R VE RE S are tho se Of which the imper
feet tense and the perfect par
‘
tic
iple are n ot formed
by adding d o r e
d to the verb : as,
PRE SE NT. IMPE RFE CT. PE RFE CT PA RT.
I blow. I blew. blown.
TO say I am blown, is , under certaIn Circum
stances, such as windy and tempestuous weather,
proper enough ; but I am blowed,
‘
it will at once be
perceived, is n o t o nly an ungrammatical, but also a
vulgar expression.

Great liberties are taken with the Irr egular
Verbs, insomuch that in the mouths o f some per
sons, divers Of them become doubly irregular in the
formation Of their participles. Among such Irre
gular Verbs we may enumerate the followin g
PRE SE NT. IMPE RFE CT. PE RF. OR PASS. PA RT.
Am wur bin.
Beat bet o r hate bate.
Burst bust busted.
Catch cotch co tched.
Come kim cor
ned.
Creep crup crup.
Drive dru v driv.
Freeze friz froze.
Give guv giv.
GO goed went.
R ise riz rose.
See s id sin , 8m
.
Some verbs which in this cou ntry are held to
be regular, are treated as irregular verbs in Ame
rica : as,
PE RF. OR PA SS. PART.
I
’
OWI].
SIIOW
II.

Ought, ought, with 1 before it, stands, (in school
boy phrase) fo r 100.
’
Tis n aught, s o to speak, however, says Mur
ray.

ETYMOLOGY. 1 03
C H A P TE R V I I.
OF A DVE RB S.
HAVING as great a dislike as the youn gest O
f o u r
readers can have to repetitions, we shall n o t s ay
what an adverb is over again. It is, nevertheless,
right to Observe, that some adverbs are compared :
as, fa
r, farther, farthest ; near, nearer, nearest. In
comparing those which end in ly, we u s e m
o re and
and m
os t : as, slowly, more slowly, most slowly.
Q. Who, Of all the civic functionaries, moves
most slowly ?
”
A. Mr. Hobler.
There are a great many adverbs in the English
Language : their number is probably even gr eater
than that Of abusive epithets. They are divisible
into certain classes ; the chief Of which are Number,
Order, Place, Time, Quantity, Manner or Quality,
Doubt, Afﬁrm
atio n, Negation, Interrogation, and
Comparison.
A nice little list, truly ! and perhaps some Of
o u r readers may suppose that we are going to ex
em
p
lify it at length : if so, all we can s a
y with re
gard to their expectation is, that we wish they m
a
y

get it gratified. In the meantime, we will not turn
o u r Grammar into a dictionary, to please anybody.
However, we have no Objection to a brief illus
tratio n o f the uses and properties Of adverbs, as
conta
i ned in the fo llo wing passage
F or m
e
r ly ,
whe
n
fi
rs t I began to preach and to
teach, whithers o ever I went, the little boys followed
me, and n o w and the
n pelted me with brick- bats,
as he
reto
fb re they pelted Ebenezer Grimes. And
whe
n s oe
ve
r I opened my mouth, s tra
ightwa
ys the
ungodly began to crow. O
f te
n tim
e
s was I hit in
the mouth with an orange :
ye
a, and o n ce
, m
o reo ver ,
with a rotten egg ; whe
r eat there’
was much laugh
ter, which, n o tw iths tan din
g , I to o k in good part,
and wr
p
ed my face, and loo ked ple
as an tly. F o r
pe
radven tu re I said, they will li sten to my sermon ;
yea, and after that we may have a co llectio n. SO I
was n o wis e dis co m
fi
ted ; wher
g
‘
o re I advise thee,
Brother Habakkuk, to take no heed Of thy p
er
s ecu to rs , seeing that I, where
as I was once little
better o ff than thyself, have n o w a chapel Of mine
o wn . And herein let thy mind he comfo rted, that,
preach as much as thou wilt against the Bisho p,
thou wilt n o t,
‘
ther e
j o re
, in these days, be in danger
Of the pillory. Ho wbeit,
”
810.
Vide Life Of the late pious an d R ev. Samuel
Simcox (letter to Habba
k u k Brown).

C H A P T E R I X
.
OF CONJ U NCTIONS.
A CON J UN CTm
N me
ans literally, a union o r
meeting together. An ill-
asso rted marriage is
A C OM ICAL C ON J U N CTION '

ETYMOLOGY. 1 07
But o u r conjunctions are used to connect words
and sentences, and have nothing to do with the
joining o f hands. They are chieﬂy Of two sorts,
the Co pulative and Disjunctive.
The Co pulative Co njunctio n is emplo yed for
the connectio n o r continuation Of a sentence : as ,
Jack an d Gill went up the Hill,
”
I will sing
a so ng if Gubbins will,
”
A thirsty m
an is like
a City Giant, be
cau s e he is a Go
g fo r drink.
”
The Co njunctio n Disjunctive is used n o t o nly
fo r purposes Of co nnectio n,
but also to express
o ppo sitio n Of meaning in different degrees : as,
Tho u
g h Lord Jo hn is as cunning as a F o x, yet
Sir Ro bert is as deep as a Pitt.
”
We pay less
fo r o u r letters, bu t shall have to
p
a
y more fo r our
panes : they have lightened o u r postage, bu t they
will darken o u r ro o ms.
”
Co njunctio ns are the ho o ks and eves Of Lan
guage, in which, as well as in dress, it is very
po ssible to make an awkward use Of them : as,
F o r
if the year co nsist Of 365 days 6 ho urs,
an d Janu ary have 31 days,
the
n the relatio n be
tween the co rpuscular theo ry o f light an d the n ew
views Of Mr. Owen is at once subverted :
f o r,
When Ign o rance is bliss,
’
tis fo lly to be wise
becau s e 1 760 yards make a mile ; an d it is uni
vers ally ackno wledged that war is the m
adness

Of many for the gain Of a few ther
e
fo re Sir Isaac
Newton was quite right in supposing the diamond
to be combustible.
”
The word as , s o Often used in this and other
Grammars,
is a conjunction : as,
M rs . A. is as
well as can be expected.
”

C H A P T E R X.
I N TE R J E CTI ON S.
W
E have said almost enough about their Ety
m
olo
gy already. Still, it may not be s u
p
erﬂu
ous to bestow a passing notice o n the singularly
expressive character Of certain Of these parts Of
speech, heard,
it is true, repeatedly ; but unac
countably omitted in all previous Grammars. For
instance, how many lives does the warning, Hoy
o f the coachman o r cab-
driver daily save ? What
an amount Of infanti le aberrations from propriety is
the admonitory Paw-
paw the means Of check
ing. With what felicity is acquiescence denoted
by Umph The utility Of the Interjections o n
various occasions, such as o u r meals, fo r example,
in enabling us to economise o u r speech, is very
striking.

ETYMOLOGY. I II
C H A P T E R XI.
OF DE RIVATI ON.
THOSE who know Latin, Greek, Saxon, and the
other languages from which o u r o wn is formed,
do not require to be instructed in philological de
rivatio n and o n those who do not understand the
said tongues, such instruction would be thro wn
away. In what manner English words are de
rived, o n e from another, the generality Of perso ns
know very well : there are, however, a few words
and phrases, which it is expedient to trace to their
respective sources ; n o t only because such an ex
ercis e is Of itself delightful to the inquiring mind ;
but because we shall thereby be furnished (as we
hope to sho w) with a test by means Of which, o n
hearing an expression for the ﬁrst time, we shall
be able, in most instances, to decide at once re
specting its nature and quality.
There are several words in the English Lan
guage which were originally Terms Of Art, but
came in process o f time to be applied m
etap
ho

1 1 2 THE COMIC ENGLISH GRAMMAR.
rically to the common purposes Of discourse. Thus
lodgings are sometimes called qu arte
rs ; a word
which, in its restricted sense, signifies the lo dg
ings Of soldiers ; ill habits, like diseases, are said
to be r em
edie
d ; men hope, as if indicted fo r an
Offence, that ladies will ac
qu it the
m Of in atten
tion, and SO forth. W
hen, as in the Instan ces
cited, the word o r phrase can be traced back either
to one Of the Learned Professions, o r to any s ource
savouring Of gentility, it is esteemed a proper o n e,
and there is no Objection to its use.
Now we have divers other words, Of which
many have but recently co me into vogue, which,
though by no means improper o r immoral, are ah
s o lu tely unu tterable in any polite assembly. It is
not, at first, very easy to see what can be the Oh
jectio n to their use ; but derivation explai ns it for
u s in the most satisfactory manner. The tru th is ,
that the expressions in question take their origin
from
vario us trades and occupations, in which they
have, for the most part, a literal meaning ; and we
now perceive what horrible suspicions respecting
o ne’
s birth, habits, and education, their figurative
employment would be likely to excite. T0 make
the matter indisputably clear, we will explain our
position by a few examples.

1 14
I
W
ORDS AN D PHR ASE S. W
HAT DE RIVE D FROM.
TO put one’
s o a
r in (to in ter
fere), W
atermen.
Get o n with your barrow, Do gs’
-
meat-
men.
Kidderminster (fo r carpet), Upholsterers.
Mahogany (fo r table), Ditto.
Dodge (trick), Pickpockets.
(N. B. All those are obliged to have recourse to
the do dg e
, who are in the habit Of o u tru n n in
g the
constable.
) But, to proceed with o u r Etymology
TO bung up an eye, Brewers.
To chalk down , Publicans.
A clo se shaver (a miser), Barbers.
TO be o ff your feed, Ostlers.
Hold hard (stop), Omnibus-
men.
Numerous examples, similar to the foregoing,
will, no do ubt, present themselves, in addition, to
the mind Of the enlightened student. We have
not, however, quite done yet with o u r remarks o n
this division o f o u r subject. The intrinsic vul
garity Of all modes Of speech which may be traced
to mean o r disreputable persons, will, o f course, n o t
be questioned. But— and as we have g o t hold Of
a nice bone,
we may as well get all the marrow we
can out Of it — the principle which is n o w u nder

ETYMOLOGY. 1 1 5
consideratio n has a much wider range than is a
p
parent at first sight.
N o w we will sup
po se a red-
hot lo ver addressing
the goddess Of his idolatry — by the w a
y, how
strange it is, that these goddesses should be always
having their temples o n fire, that a Queen Of
Hearts shou ld ever be seated o n a burning throne
but to return to the lover : he was to s ay so me
thing. Well, then, let A. B. be the lover. He
expresses himself thus
“
M ary, my earthly ho pes are centred in you.
Y
o u need n o t doubt me ; my heart is true as the
dial to the s u n . Wo rds cannot express how much
I lo ve yo u . Nor is my affection an ordinary feel
ing : it is a more exalted and a more enduring s en
tim
en t than that which u sually bears its n ame. I
have do ne. I am not eloquent : I can s a
y no more,
than that I deeply and sincerely love you.
”
This, perhaps, will be regarded by connoisseurs
as to lerably pathetic, and for the kind Of thing n o t
very ridiculous. N OW
, let A. S. S. be the lover ;
and let us have his version Of the same story
M ary, my capital in life is invested in you.
Y
o u need not stick at giving me credit ; my heart
is as safe as the Bank o f England. The sum total
Of m
y lo ve fo r you defies calculation. Nor is my
attachment anything in the common wa
y. It is a

1 1 6 THE COM IC ENGLISH GRAMMAR.
superior and more durable article than that in
general wear. My stock Of words is exhausted. I
am no wholesaledealer in that line. All I can s ay
is, that I have a V
ast fund o f unadulterated affec
tion for you.
”
In this effusion the Stock Exchange, the Mul
tip
lication Table, and the Linendraper’
s and Gro
cer’
s shops have been drawn upon for a clothing to
the suitor’
s ideas ; and by an unhappy choice Of
words, the most delightful and amiable feelings o f
o u r nature, without which Life would be a Desert
an d Man a bear, are invested with a ridiculous dis
guise.
We would willingly enlarge upon the topic which
we have thus slightly handled, but that we feel
that we should by so do ing, intrench to o far o n
the boundaries Of Rhetoric, to which s cience, more
particularly than to Grammar, the co nsideratio n Of
Metaphor belongs ; besides which, it is high time
to have done with Etymo logy. Here, then, gentle.
.
men,
if you please, we shall pull up.
Pull up what an expression
“ Well,
Sir,
did you never hear that next to the
B ar the ﬁrst school Of grammatical elegance is the
Sta
g e

1 1 8 THE COMIC ENGLISH GRAMMAR.
A sentence is an aggregate Of words forming a
complete sense.
Sometimes, however, a sentence is an aggregate
o f words fo rming complete nonsense : as,
They are very civil and attentive to the small
est order, and furnish a house entirely complete,
f o r twe
n ty
-
s eve
n
g u in e
as, all n e
w an d well s e
as on e
d.
”
Advertisement in the Times.
Sentences are Of two kinds, simple and com
pound.
A Simple sentence has in it but one subject and
o n e ﬁnite verb ; that is, a verb to which number
and person belong : as , A joke is a joke.
A compound sentence consists Of two o r mo re
simple sentences connected together : as, A joke
is a joke, but a ducking is no jo ke. Corpulence is
the attribute Of swine,
mayors, and oxen.
”
Simple sentences may be divided (if we choose
to take the trouble)into the Explicative or explain
ing ; the Interrogative, o r asking ; the Imperative,
or co mmanding.
An explicative sentence is, in other words, a
direct assertion : as, Sir, you are impertinent.
”
J ohn s on .
An interrogative sentence merely asks a ques
tion :
”
as ,
“
Are you a policeman ? How ’
s your
Inspector

TheComicEnglishGrammar_10021030.pdf

TheComicEnglishGrammar_10021030.pdf

Recommended

Recommended

More Related Content

Similar to TheComicEnglishGrammar_10021030.pdf

Similar to TheComicEnglishGrammar_10021030.pdf (18)

Recently uploaded

Recently uploaded (20)

TheComicEnglishGrammar_10021030.pdf