Coping with the loss of a relationship may be one of the hardest things you ever have to do. Whether you were with the person for three months or thirty years, breakups can leave you feeling profoundly hurt, confused, and rejected. You won't feel this way forever, though! You can heal your broken heart by these tips.

2. The First 7 Steps To Heal A Broken Heart
What is a broken heart?
For me, a broken heart is that feeling you get when the thing you were so
deeply hoping for doesn't happen. It's an enormous shock that can cause us
a lot of pain. It is not just confined to a break-up with a lover; it can come
from all sorts of relationships we have throughout our life.
Step 1: Acknowledge the Pain.
When your heart is broken, acknowledge the feeling. This step is vital,
because the depth of sadness and/or shock is huge and will never go away if
it is not acknowledged. Many people avoid this with extreme behaviour -
drink, drugs, new relationships, and it's got to be said that for some it seems
that this works.
However, my own experience tells me to avoid extreme behaviour and aim
to find much healthier ways to express what is going on. There are two
solutions that I have used throughout out my life.
The first is to write. Every day for five minutes or any time that wave of pain
and sometimes nausea overcomes you. Just jot down anything that comes
out. Don't think about it and don't expect it to make sense. Then throw it
away. It's important to throw it away so that you don't judge what you are
doing. This has nothing to do with analyzing the situation. This is pure
expression for that purpose only.
The second thing is that you need to move your body. This can be down at
the gym, swimming, dancing in your living room. You need to keep your body
moving.
The point of this step is not to deny what is going on but to find simple but
healthy ways to let it out.

3. Step 2: Get Support from the Right People.
When dealing with a broken heart you need to be aware of whom you are
going to mix with. My experience dictates the following:
Friends
You need friends you can tell your story to. Preferably they shouldn't all know
each other. That way you avoid the feeling that everyone's talking about you,
and you also limit how boring your story might become if you repeat yourself
too much to either one person or a group.
It is, however, very important to tell your story as many times as you want or
need to. But try not to do it to the same people/group of people.
Avoiding Bad Influences
It is also important, at least in the beginning, to avoid any influences (drugs,
alcohol, even some of your friends!) that are going to let you act impulsively,
especially if that impulsiveness translates into you approaching the
person/people who has/have broken your heart.
It's not a good idea because feelings of shame and guilt and that sick feeling
in your stomach surely follow.
So although you may feel the freedom to party and go wild, I am suggesting,
at least for the first three months, not to do this. That time will come but it's
not yet.
Therapists
Get professional help. This time in our lives is a very raw period. And there
is something so truthful and vulnerable about being such a bad way that
makes it also a moment to seek help in the form of professional help.
It's important to note here that I'm not an advocate of therapy as something
that someone does continually, but in these moments it is important to get
help from someone who is outside of your life and who has no emotional
attachment. This can be incredibly helpful.

4. These moments are the moments when everything is changing and
professional support has a strong chance of giving you the information you
need to move forward in the right way.
My own experience was to find a professional when I was at the lowest point
of my experience because I truly thought I was going mad. If you feel this,
then some form of professional help should be sought with the following
three aims:
a) the first is to prevent you from actually going mad
b) the second is to find ways to discuss what's going on and how to function
(as we all must certainly do, despite what is going on)
c) the third is to delve deeper into ourselves and to start to sort out why we
are where we are, and what we can do to look at and solve the deeper issues.
Therapy is not for everyone. It requires personal investment of resources
both in terms of time and money. If you go down this route:
a) Seek introductions to known therapists
b) meet them and see how you work together - usually therapists will offer
the first session free to establish this.
Alone time
It's important to have time alone and just be. Sadness and depression and
pain are real and need to be felt. Things you can do on your own are reading,
perhaps watching a TV series back to back, maybe even music etc.
For me, I could not stand to listen to any form of music. It made me feel sick.
I stuck to watching the TV series - one I remember was 'The Wire', which I
devoured most evening and weekends.
Being alone, at this stage, is vital. This is the space where without knowing it
(and definitely not feeling it) you start to heal.
Step 3: Ritual.
Ritual: We underestimate the importance of ritual of drawing lines in the
sand, both happy lines and sad lines.

5. A broken heart offers many chances to bring ritual back.
But first why is ritual so important? It may be that the word ritual itself
sounds a bit 'out there', but what I mean by ritual is stopping, acknowledging
what is going on by making some kind of action and intention, leading to
completion and the chance to move on.
We do this all the time with births, weddings, funerals etc. But these are very
few instances in a life filled with almost constant change. Without taking a
moment to stop, take stock, acknowledge, put a line in the sand, and move
on, life appears to be a confused jumble of chaos.
In the West we have decided we have no time and, for the most part, we have
lost the ability to even see these moments. They can be big moments but they
can also be small moments. It's important not to sweat the small stuff, but it
is equally important to recognize that the small stuff makes up the bigger
stuff so acknowledge as much as you can.
However, we are discussing broken hearts and they fall into the category of
the big moments. A very simple ritual is to do the following:
1. Make some time where you are on your own - about 20 minutes.
2. Light a candle.
3. Name the situation - what is going on for you - say it out loud. "I feel... "
4. Say what you want to come out of this time - feel safer, feel better, and
feel stronger. I'd like to feel... "
5. At the end of 20 minutes blow the candle out and say "I am exactly where
I need to be and I am strong enough to deal with what is going on"
You can repeat this as often as you like. It is surprising what happens when
you give a little space to acknowledge what is going on.
Step 4: It's all About Health.
This step is all about health. There are four types of health that create a whole
person - mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health. And what I mean
about spiritual health for this purpose is the human spirit - not necessarily a
religious connotation.

6. Being truly healthy requires the upkeep of all of these areas. Imagine each of
these four areas is a circle (i.e. four circles) and where they all touch the
center is the level of your current health. So each circle, each of the four areas,
needs to have attention so that the cumulative level of health is good.
However, a broken heart depletes energy very quickly. And each of the
areas/circles will be low, possibly almost empty, at this point in life. My own
experience is that the two areas that one can work on 'easiest' are physical
health and spiritual health. This is because they are the most tangible.
Physical health: we all know that eating well and exercise keep us physically
healthy. Never is this truer than when there is a broken heart involved. And
yet it is also the time when it is difficult to care about physical health. If you
can keep up a routine of physical exercise three times a week at least then go
for it. Anything that pumps the heart and is repetitive ends up helping with
a meditative state. It's hard to think too much when you've got to stay on the
treadmill or keep in the right swimming lane. If you really have no energy
then you really must go for at least three walks, preferably out in nature,
every week. In addition eating is important and I found that in the first few
months I relied on friends to feed me good food or I invited friends round so
that I didn't just cook for one.
One thing you should also do, if you are not doing it already, is drink a lot of
water.
Spiritual health: this is thinking about how you lift your own spirit. What
keeps you interested in what's going on? Is it a good book, films, going to
open mic nights, meditating, dancing, roller skating, painting, writing
poetry, writing ditties, dyeing clothes? This is the creative part of you that
can never die and holds the key to being able to lift you up. Many of us give
up this side of life at school when we are told we will never be a painter or a
writer etc. And we simply give it up.
So if you don't know what will do this for you, think about what you used to
do when you were a kid. Think about the times you felt lighter. What were
you doing? This doesn't have to big things, it can be very small things that
you don't have to tell anyone you are doing - like writing poetry.

7. Step 4 is beginning to take responsibility and see what choices you have.
These two 'circles' of health will help the other two (mental and emotional
health) to gather energy.
Step 5: Building Self-confidence.
It's time to really start to look at building self-confidence which, let's be
honest, has been knocked, even if we are 'appearing' fine.
It's so hard to understand why things don't work out. No, actually usually it's
impossible to understand which is why we feel mad for quite some time after
a relationship stops. So the best thing is to really be gentle with yourself and
understand that you may never understand why something didn't work out
and the more you think about it the harder you are going to be on yourself.
Easily said. Which is why it's important to focus on how you start to feel
better about yourself. We've already talked about exercise and keeping your
body moving. We now need to focus on changing how you look. It's a very
strange thing to start to look after your body and give it the best chance it has
to look great. But it really works. And that doesn't matter if you are tall, short,
voluptuous, skinny, etc, etc. This is not about wanting to be something else,
this is about using what you've got and using it to your best ability - basically
making the most of what you have.
Here's how:
1. Skin. The biggest organ you have, and it needs looking after. If you don't
have a skin regime you need to have one, but I appreciate that it can't start
with all the things that a beauty consultant might want you to start with (it's
over-powering if you have never had a skin regime). So for those who can't
do it all, a gentle exfoliator used in the bath for your face, serum and a
moisturizer when you get out. For your body a shower gel with exfoliation
and a cream to rub on. It'll take an extra 3-4 minutes and it will make a
difference. I bathe a lot as I love water and it calms me down. I put a few
drops of olive oil in my bath to cover my body's moisturisation.
2. Clothes. Clothes, their shape, their colour, make such a difference. If you
can get a stylist for a day (and most of us can't) some department stores have
in-house shoppers who are free. Watching programmes on shapes etc will

8. also help. The reason you need to this is you need to see yourself through
someone else's eyes and you need to understand what works with your shape.
Then you get a good friend around (make sure it's someone who you trust to
be tactful but honest), pull out your wardrobe and try things on. Get rid of
things that don't work, and put 'outfits' together. Putting outfits together is
so helpful on the mornings that you feel ugly and horrible. You pull one of
these outfits on, don't look in the mirror, and leave. You'll be surprised how
this really starts to build up your confidence. Stop wearing all the black and
grey stuff and get yourself upgraded. It is important to note that it costs
nothing to go through your wardrobe, and it is recommended before going
shopping.
3. Hair. The crowning glory. Well-kept hair is fundamental to looking good.
Good haircuts kept up, colour put in if you are going grey, a change of colour
- all give an extraordinary feeling of freedom. Who are you anyway? Who do
you want to be? Hair is a way to try out new looks and push those boundaries
that we often get trapped in while in relationships.
4. Nails. Whether you bite your nails or grow them easily having nails done
or at least tidy is really important, so if you can afford it, do it, if not learn to
shape and paint your nails (practice). Often these new voucher schemes offer
the chance to have nails done cheaply. Don't forget your feet, at least in the
summer. What a difference a pedicure makes.
Remember. This is not about other people. This is about you starting to
acknowledge that you are a person with energy to share. Making yourself
look better only makes you feel better and you can do this without actually
'feeling' better. What I mean by this is that it's an action process that doesn't
require you to 'feel' good about doing it, it just requires you to follow the steps
above and this process will pull you forward. Good luck and keep at it.
Step 6: The Power of You.
There is a very fundamental understanding that needs to be reached on what
power you have within your life. Much is written about the choices we have
and the choices we make. Much is written about blame and responsibility.

9. The truth is that it's easy to blame others and external situations for one's
downfall. But what happens if we blame others all the time is that what we
are saying is that because we had nothing to do with what went on, we will
never be able to change anything. So though blame is an easy option to begin
with, what you are actually doing in the long term is abdicating any chance
of changing you situation. After all if it's nothing to do you with you, you don't
have to do anything, right? Wrong. Or at least wrong if you want to have a
life that you have control over.
And this is where it gets a bit complicated. What you actually need to do is
take responsibility for your own life. The complicated bit is that this does
NOT mean blaming yourself for what has gone on. This is equally unhelpful.
What you do by taking is responsibility is to pose the first question which is
'what can I do to change things for the better?'
So here comes the responsibility that you have to yourself. You have the
absolute power to decide how you react to what happens to you. To be clear.
This does not mean that you can change what will happen to you. It means
that you can change how you react to what happens to you. It may seem
almost insignificant, but actually the power in this subtle but dramatic
change is extraordinary.
For now, in step 6, watch how you react to what happens to you and think,
and try to react differently.
Step 7: The Spiral of Life.
I've noticed that some things happen to some people that never happen to
me. Or even, the same things happen to me that I've never heard of
happening to anyone else. Patterns seem to exist everywhere. And if patterns
exist, then they can be changed.
In Step 6, I talked about the main choice we all have to change the way we
react to what happens to us. In many ways what we do by changing our
reaction is to change a pattern.
However, it does seem that the fundamental aspects of our own individual
patterns don't disappear. This means that it seems likely that throughout you

10. will have the same patterns; what happens if you choose to change how you
react to them is that the pattern loses its intensity. It's as if each time you
choose a different and better way to react you give yourself the chance to see
the bigger picture.
Summary
The First Seven Steps To Healing a Broken Heart
What is a broken heart?
For me, a broken heart is that feeling you get when the thing you were so
deeply hoping for doesn't happen. It's an enormous shock that can cause us
a lot of pain. It is not just confined to a break-up with a lover; it can come
from all sorts of relationships we have throughout our life.
Step 1: Acknowledge the Pain
Step 2: Get support from the right people
Step 3: Ritual
Step 4: It's about health
Step 5: Building self-confidence
Step 6: The power of you
Step 7: The spiral of life
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