Oakapple and Celeste are in arbitration over whether Oakapple must marry Celeste. They meet with the arbitrator Edgar, who is not properly qualified but believes he can help make people happy. Celeste demands $50,000 in damages from Oakapple for backing out of a marriage proposal she claims he made. Oakapple denies remembering the proposal. Edgar suggests unconventional solutions like letting Oakapple marry multiple people or getting Oakapple drunk to see if he would abuse Celeste. In the end, Edgar decides to marry Celeste himself to settle the dispute.

1. Previously in Ruth’s (un)Officially Wacky Boolprop Challenge…
During college, Oakapple Shankel lost both his fangirls and his fiancée to his
brother, Adam. This sent him into a tailspin involving bubbles, juice, fights,
casual relationships, and so forth. Oakapple was pulled out of the tailspin by his
best friend Oliver and by Adam, who promised to fix everything and find
someone to love Oakapple. Adam tried this fix via a love potion slipped to
Oakapple at Adam’s wedding. Unfortunately, it backfired, and the only way to
break the spell was for someone to sacrifice themselves to the ancient Chaldean
equivalent of the devil. Oakapple volunteered. Adam then tried to resurrect his
brother, but since the family did not have quite enough cash, Oakapple came
back as a zombie. Oakapple moved out before Adam could attempt to “fix”
anything else. Oliver revealed that he cared about Oakapple even without a love
potion, and with the personality modifications due to becoming a zombie,
Oakapple began to think that he might return Oliver’s affections. That’s when
Celeste Kalson showed up on the doorstep, announcing she was Oakapple’s
fiancée. Things have gone badly enough that they are now in need of
Arbitration…

2. OAKAPPLE SHANKEL: Hello. Is this… Room 903?
EDGAR MILLER: Yes. How can I help you?
OAKAPPLE: I’m the, uh… “Party of the… First Part.”

3. EDGAR: Ah, yes. You’re the one who’s trying to get out of
marrying a perfectly nice girl.
OAKAPPLE: Have you… even met her?
EDGAR: No, but her name is “Celeste.” (sighs romantically)
How perfect must she be, to be called “Heavenly”!
OAKAPPLE (dubiously): It’s just… a name. How did you…
get to be… an impartial arbitrator?

4. EDGAR (V.O.): Oh, I used to listen to all my friends in college.
I was pretty good at helping them work stuff out. And I like
helping make people happy.
OAKAPPLE (V.O.): You don’t… get special training… or
anything?
EDGAR (V.O.) (puzzled): I wouldn’t need special training to
perform surgery – why would I need it to listen to people? And
to figure out how much money you owe Celeste for jilting her,
of course.
OAKAPPLE (V.O.) (mutters): I should have… sprung for a…
real trial.

5. CELESTE KALSON: Hello? Is this Room 903?
EDGAR: Yes, it is. How can I help you?
CELESTE: I’m the “Party of the Second Part.”

6. EDGAR: “Heavenly” indeed! Now tell me, Celeste, just what’s
going on?
CELESTE: He said he’d marry me! And now he says he won’t!
OAKAPPLE: I don’t remember… saying that. I… may have
been… on bubbles.
CELESTE: Well, whether he remembers or not, he said he’d
marry me! And I already bought my trousseau!

7. OAKAPPLE: What’s a… “trousseau”?
EDGAR: It’s the personal possessions of a bride, usually
including clothing, accessories, and household goods.
CELESTE: And lingerie. Don’t forget the lingerie. From
Victoria’s Secret, no less!
OAKAPPLE: They’re pretty… expensive.*
CELESTE: Exactly! So if he won’t marry me, I’m asking for
damages! Fifty thousand ought to cover it.
OAKAPPLE: Fifty thou – !
*Oakapple knows this because he used to buy Dial-A-Shimmer Body
Lotion from Victoria’s Secret, and he would see the sale signs. Not
because he wears women’s underwear.

8. OAKAPPLE: Look, you know… how it is. You… love this
one… today and that one… tomorrow. So I’m… happy to
marry… this one today… if I can marry… that one tomorrow.
EDGAR: Well, that sounds reasonable to me. (to Celeste) What
do you think?

9. CELESTE: I’m sorry, sir, but that’s a crime.
EDGAR: Really? What crime is that?
CELESTE: Burglary.
EDGAR: Oh. Well. Tsk tsk. Can’t have burglary, now, can we?

10. OAKAPPLE: But I’d be… a terrible husband! I’d… get drunk,
and then… I’d beat her… and kick her.
CELESTE: I don’t care! I love him, I love him, I love him! I’ll
never love anybody else ever, ever, ever, and I’ll die old,
lonely, and alone! – Remember that when you’re figuring
damages.

11. EDGAR: Well, now, it sounds like the question is whether
Oakapple here will be a mean drunk or not. Tell you what: let’s
get him drunk and find out.
CELESTE: Okay!
OAKAPPLE: No! I’m… eleven months sober!
EDGAR: Well, fine! You don’t like any of my suggestions, so
here’s how we’ll settle it…

12. EDGAR: I’ll marry her myself!
CELESTE: Squeeeeeee! He’s rich!
OAKAPPLE (to himself): Thank Esme!

13. SONG.
Oh, joy unbounded,
With wealth surrounded,
The knell is sounded
Of grief and woe.

14. SONG.
It seems to me, sir,
Of such as she, sir,
A judge is he, sir,

15. SONG.
And a good judge, too!*
*Adapted from W.S. Gilbert, Trial by Jury, song 14. Available from
http://math.boisestate.edu/GaS/trial/webopera/tbj14.html; accessed 5 June
2011.

16. Notes, disclaimers, and other trivia
This brief interlude is based on Trial by Jury, which was
actually Gilbert & Sullivan’s second collaboration, but which is
the oldest one to survive. (Apparently, their first collaboration –
Thespis, or, The Gods Grown Old – was so bad that the score
and libretto were “accidentally” lost pretty quickly.) It runs for
a whopping half hour, and is usually performed on a double bill
with The Sorcerer, which is also short. Since I used The
Sorcerer, I thought it was only fair to use Trial by Jury too. The
original was set during a trial for “breach of promise,” or
reneging on a promise to marry a woman. This was never
grounds for a lawsuit in the States, and hasn’t been one in
Britain since the 1970s, so I had the parties hire an arbitrator
instead.

17. Oh, and the reason Oakapple doesn’t remember proposing to
Celeste? He never did. She was a matchmaker drop for Eddie,
who couldn’t have been more thrilled.
Until next time, happy Simming!