The document discusses various stages and challenges that can occur in marriages over time, from the initial relationship and engagement period, to having children, dealing with financial and household issues, differing expectations, and potential sources of conflict. It provides advice on effective communication, showing respect, accepting personal flaws, seeking counseling if needed, and generally working to prioritize the marriage through challenges rather than pursuing divorce. Maintaining financial stability, fidelity, forgiveness, and positive expectations are emphasized as important factors for marital success and longevity.

1. Negotiating With Your Spouse How to Stay Married Despite Your Differences Laurie Israel Attorney/Mediator Brookline, MA © 2009

2. The Pattern of a Relationship You meet and fall in love What is love How long is your engagement? Did you work through any problems How long does the honeymoon last? Why does the honeymoon end? What do you do after the honeymoon ends? © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

3. The Pattern of a Marriage The Wedding Post Wedding Your Spouse’s Family Your Spouse’s Parents Your Spouse’s Personality Your Spouse’s Personal Habits Is your spouse still beautiful/handsome? © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

4. Having Children Joys of Parenthood Who is more important: the children or your spouse? How busy are you? Who is taking care of the children? Who is doing the housework? Who is working outside of the house? © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

5. Money Issues Do you have too much money? Do you have too little money? What can you do about it? Do you have just about the right amount of money? Do you have joint or separate accounts or both? Do you make money decisions together or separately? © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

6. Contribution Issues Do you feel your spouse is carrying his/her own weight? Does he/she feel that you are carrying your own weight? What to do if there is an imbalance? © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

7. Gender Roles/Expectations Are gender roles/expectations a problem? What if your spouse is at home with or without the children? What if your spouse is un- or under-employed? What if your spouse has other priorities than you in the family? © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

8. Distorted thinking We should never have conflict My spouse should meet all of my needs Getting into mental ruts Getting into behavioral ruts “ I can change my spouse” Mind Games © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

9. Finding “The One” Is there a perfect person for you (not your spouse)? What is a soul mate? Becoming the perfect one Marriage creates soul mates Marriage is commitment Making marriage your career © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

10. It Takes One to Tango Annoying thought but true Changes you make can affect your spouse It’s like training your dog Your spouse may not know he/she is being trained, but that’s okay © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

11. Corrosive Events & Circumstances Existence of a Prenuptial Agreement. Lack of a Prenuptial Agreement. Illness of a child. Behavioral issues of a child. Illness of spouse. Death of spouse’s parents Loss of money or job © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

12. We Thought We Were So Compatible… Differences in spending Different interests and hobbies Different concept of vacations Differences in how you wish to spend free time Differences in religion/spirituality Differences in child rearing methods © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

13. Conflict Can Be Good Don’t let it burn out of control Uncontrolled conflict can destroy a marriage What not to do Criticism vs. Legitimate complaint Don’t attack each other’s character Showing contempt Stonewalling Blaming © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

14. What to Do About It The Laurie Israel Plan for Staying Married Studies on staying with it Problem about sharing bad things with friends/family Some things you can change Some things never change Walking around problem areas © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

15. What to Do About It, Part 2 Communicating verbally Hot speech Using “I” words Asking the powerful non-defensive question Communicating in writing The problems with email © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

16. What to Do About It, Part 3 Interpreting the meaning behind the action or the words Encouraging good behavior with “predictions” Creating clear boundaries Protecting yourself Disarming your spouse © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

17. What to Do About It, Part 4 Demonstrating respect to your spouse What to do if your spouse does not demonstrate respect to you. Bargaining with your spouse. Accepting imperfections Promoting freedom for each of you Promoting self growth © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

18. Counteracting Marital Malaise Interpreting the blue print behind the words or actions Counteracting marital dissatisfaction Encouraging compassion Discouraging resentment Practice simplicity, patience, and compassion © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

19. Marriage is Important Why marriage is important Why marriage deserves your attention Treat your spouse better than you treat anyone else Foster and encourage your spouse’s dreams and goals If possible, try to understand your spouse’s interests or at least respect them © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

20. Financial Security The third leg of a three-legged stool Work hard to create financial security Make sure money is not scarce Enjoy your life © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

21. Forgiveness Everybody makes mistakes Everybody says things wrong Let things pass Assume your spouse (and you) will learn from your mistakes © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

22. Fidelity Be faithful and do not have an affair What to do if your spouse has an emotional affair What to do if your spouse has an actual affair What to do if you are having an emotional affair What to do if you are having an actual affair Infidelity is not necessarily the end of your marriage The different types of infidelity How people can heal their marriages © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

23. Expectations Don’t think marriage is perfect Don’t think marriage is easy Be satisfied with the things you have Know that both or you are doing the best that you can Always assume the best of your spouse Don’t think it is greener on the other side Compliment your spouse at least once a day © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

24. Why Divorce Generally Should be Avoided Unnecessary Starting over with same problems Financially devastating Should you stay married because of the children? Learning about life and reconciliation A shared history of memories and experiences © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com

25. Where to Get Help It’s never too late to get your marriage back on track Read books on marriage Go to marriage websites Attend marriage retreat programs Marriage counseling Individual counseling/therapy Marital mediation (Mediation to Stay Married) See a divorce lawyer to get a “read” on what a divorce would look like © 2009 Law Offices of Laurie Israel Brookline, MA www.laurieisrael.com