Samford Marriage and Family Class

Emotional Responses to Divorce and Legal Tools
Designed to Lessen the Impact
Fran Quarles, Esq.
12013 Quarles Law Firm, LLC. All rights reserved.©

 Pre-1857 England, Divorce Only Obtained
Through Church of England Courts
◦ Divorce a vinculo matrimonii
 Divorce Nullity from Beginning – Any Children of
Marriage then Declared Illegitimate
◦ Divorce a mensa et a thoro
 From “Bed and Board” – Could Not Remarry
◦ Parliamentary Divorce
 Usually for Men (4 granted to women before 1857)
 First Must Obtain Divorce a mensa et a thoro
 Sue Wife (successfully) on Ground of Adultery
 Could Remarry; Children Remain Legitimate
© 2013 Quarles Law Firm, LLC. All rights reserved.
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 Thomas Hardy’s Mayor of Casterbridge
 Led Wife by Halter to Market for Auction
 Transaction Completed by Handing Over
Halter to Highest Bidder/New Husband
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 1815: Wife & Child Sold for £1
 1824: Wife Discounted to 5s; She Balked at the
Purchaser; Put Up Again for 3s & Quart of Ale
BUT SEE:
 1830: “’e[the husband] turned shy, and tried to get
out of the business, but Mattie mad’ un stick to it. ‘Er
flipt her apern in ‘er gude man’s face, and said, ‘Let
be yer rogue. I wull be sold. I wants a change!’”
 More found at: http:en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wife_selling_(English_custom)
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 Not Trained as a Psychologist/Psychiatrist in
Law School
 Clients Need Hand-Holding at Times
 Lawyers Should Never Forget that Most
People Unfamiliar with Legal Process
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 Death of the Marriage
 Death of Dreams of a “Perfect Life”
◦ White Picket Fence
 Death of Hopes
 Correcting Childhood Sorrows/Own Parents’ Divorce
 Death of Any Number of Things
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 Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
 1969 Book, On Death and Dying
 Terminally Ill Experience 5 Emotional Stages
(in no particular sequence):
◦ Denial
◦ Anger
◦ Bargaining
◦ Depression
◦ Acceptance
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 “I want to stop him from divorcing me.”
 “He can’t divorce me if I don’t want it, right?”
 Can’t Unilaterally Stop a Divorce: It Will
Eventually Happen – Sooner or Later
2013 Quarles Law Firm, LLC.
All rights reserved. 8

 Physical Abuse
 Mental Abuse/Intimidation
◦ Purchase Gun/Join Firing Range
◦ Tell Neighbors Falsehoods: “She’s Spending Us Into
the Poorhouse”
 Humiliation
◦ False Reports to Dept. of Human Resources
◦ Closing Bank Account & Not Telling Spouse
◦ Closing Country Club Membership & Not Telling
Spouse
2013 Quarles Law Firm, LLC.
All rights reserved. 9

PUSH YOUR BUTTON!
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 Child to Custodial Parent: “You’re spoiling all
our fun!”
 Teenager to Custodial Parent: “I want to go
live with mom/dad.”
 Parental Kidnapping
 “Disney” Dad/Mom
 Couldn’t Pay Bills, but Took Kid to Disney World
 Digital Age: Husband Threatened to Delete
Baby Photos Housed in the Cloud
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 Stay Calm
 Neutral Statement
 Younger Child: “It Sounds like Daddy/Mommy
was Having a Bad Day When He/She Said
That.”
 Older Child: “We’ll Discuss This When You’ve
Calmed Down.”
 Never Let Your Ex/Spouse Drag You Down
Into the Gutter
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 “Can’t You Just Go Buy a New Vacuum
Cleaner?”
◦ “But Momma Gave it to Us . . . .”
◦ Sometimes the Smallest Things Can Become
Sticking Points to the Emotionally Overwrought
 Christmas Eve
◦ Mothers Have Given on Financial Issues to Be
Assured of Having Custody of Children on
Christmas Eve
◦ Divorce Process May Make People Hone In on What
Is Emotionally Important
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 Client Unable to Make Decisions
 Client Has Hard Time Understanding
Explanations
 Could Affect Custody Decision
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 Marriage May Have Died Long Ago
 Wife Agreed to No Alimony; Just Pay For Children’s
College
 Boomerang Effect – Watch Out!
◦ Ex-Wife Fine Until Ex-Husband Got Engaged a Year
Later, then Fell Apart
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 Uncontested/No-Fault Divorce
◦ Parties Agree on Terms
◦ Settlement Agreement Negotiated Between Parties &
Attorneys
◦ Fairly Amicable at Times
◦ Parties Usually Not Happy But Not Going to Fight It
 Mediation
◦ Parties & Their Attorneys Have Third-Party Mediator Help
Negotiate Terms of Agreement
◦ Somewhat Amicable
◦ Parties Focused on Not Going to Trial, But Each Usually
Has to Compromise on Some or All Issues
 NOTE: Can Start Out as a Contested Divorce, Then Settle or Go to Mediation
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 Contested Divorce
◦ Goes to Trial (non-jury)
◦ Alabama an “Equity” State (Not Community Property)
 Potential for a “Winner Take All” if One Party at Fault
◦ Trial Process Can Take a Year or More
 Emotionally & Financially Draining
 Collaborative Divorce
◦ Relatively New to Alabama
◦ Team Approach – Attorneys, Mental Health Professionals as
“Coaches” & Child Advocates, and a Financial Neutral
◦ More Positive Approach
◦ Settlement Agreement Based on True Agreement Between Parties –
Not Compromises

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 Protection from Abuse (PFA) Order
◦ Ala. Code Section 30-5-1 et seq.
◦ Ex Parte (Without the Other Party; Hearing Later)
◦ May Get Abuser Out of House
 Alabama Parent-Child Relationship Protection Act
(“Relocation Act”)
◦ Ala. Code Section 30-3-160 et seq.
◦ At Least 45-Day Written Notice to Non-Relocating Parent
◦ 30 Days for Him/Her to Object & File Suit
◦ Move Must be Found in “Best Interests” of Child
 Parenting Plan for Joint Custody
◦ Ala. Code Section 30-3-153
◦ Can Split Responsibilities – Education, Medical, Etc.

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 If There Are Minor Children, Emotional Turmoil Does
Not Always End with Final Decree
 Day-to-Day Hassles
◦ “Car Seat Not Used”
◦ Emotional Abuse
 Modifications
◦ Custody
◦ Visitation
◦ Support
 Post-Minority Support
 Death Benefits

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 Fran Quarles, Esq.
 Quarles Law Firm, LLC
 www.quarleslawfirm.com
 fquarles@quarleslawfirm.com
 313 20th Street North, Suite 205
 Birmingham, AL 35203
 205.583.4737

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