1) Brent and Zach argue about whether book smarts or street smarts are more valuable. Neal, grading tests at the kitchen table, tries to get them interested in grammar. 2) Charlie, who just moved in across the street, comes over borrowing a tool. Brent and Zach are immediately attracted to Charlie's sister, Clarissa. 3) Neal goes to Charlie and Clarissa's for dinner but finds they are trying to recruit him into their cult. Brent and Zach crash the dinner and fight over Clarissa before realizing Charlie and Clarissa are actually into Neal.

1. Mature
"Neighbors"
Written by
Bryan Kett
Episode #010

2. INT. GUYS’ APARTMENT - AFTERNOON
Brent and Zach sit sprawled on the couches.
BRENT
Book smarts, Zach.
ZACH
So? I’ve got street smarts.
BRENT
You can see my education hanging on
my wall.
ZACH
What does your cat calendar have
anything to do with your education?
BRENT
My diploma, Zach. I’m talking about
my diploma. Saying you have street
smarts is the same saying you know
how to ride the bus around town,
but you don’t know how to read a
book.
ZACH
Shows how much you know. I never
take the bus.
BRENT
That’s the part you disagree with?
Brent turns to Neal, who is sitting at the kitchen table
grading tests.
BRENT (CONT’D)
Neal, what do you think? Book
smarts, right?
Neal doesn’t look up.
NEAL
I think there’s no point in
teaching these kids parts of
speech, if they’re going to perform
this poorly.
(beat)
How can they not see how fun
diagramming sentences is?
Zach and Brent stare at him.

3. NEAL (CONT’D)
Are you guys serious right now?
You’re not into diagramming? Keep
it hip? Call it D-gramming?
ZACH
I understood nothing you just said.
NEAL
Brent?
BRENT
(cautiously)
As long as this conversation ends
soon, then yes. I understood
everything you just said.
NEAL
Dependent clauses? Gerunds? I can’t
believe you guys.
ZACH
It kind of sounds like you’re
casting a spell when you say stuff
like that.
BRENT
That’s because you have “street
smarts.”
Zach grabs two blank tests from the pile.
ZACH
Then why don’t you put your-
Zach looks down at the test.
ZACH (CONT’D)
(unsure of himself)
Dangling participle where your
mouth is?
NEAL
Not only is that grammatically
impossible, but it sounds filthy.
BRENT
Like I’m gonna waste my time on
this kid stuff?
ZACH
Afraid of a few adjectives? Here’s
an adjective for you: you’re a
chicken.
Mature "Neighbors" 2.

4. NEAL
That’s a noun, not an adjective.
Actually, to be more specific, it’s
a subject complement. See? This can
be fun.
Zach makes a chicken noise.
BRENT
Let’s go.
He takes a copy of the test.
INT. GUYS’ APARTMENT - 20 MINUTES LATER
Brent and Zach seated across the table from one another,
engrossed in their tests. It is quiet. Brent starts erasing
furiously. Zach turns the test 180 degrees, has a look of
realization, and then looks more confused.
BRENT
(unconvincing)
This is really easy.
ZACH
I think it’s easier.
BRENT
No, I do.
There’s a knock at the door. Brent jumps up.
BRENT (CONT’D)
I’ll get it.
ZACH
No, I will.
Both race to the door. They open it to reveal CHARLIE (30s,
chiseled).
BRENT
Yeah?
CHARLIE
I’m sorry to bother you guys.
ZACH
We’re testing here, buddy. You’ve
interrupted some testees.
Brent shakes his head at Zach. Neal walks up behind them to
see who was at the door.
Mature "Neighbors" 3.

5. CHARLIE
Right.
(beat)
We just moved in across the street
and we don’t know where our
screwdriver is. Can we borrow one?
Zach rolls his eyes and goes back to the kitchen table to
keep taking the test. Brent walks away, rummages through a
drawer, and thrusts a screwdriver into Charlie’s hand.
BRENT
If you’ll excuse us.
Brent goes to close the door.
CHARLIE
This is a phillips. I need a
flathead.
Zach looks up from his test.
ZACH
Can you believe this guy?
NEAL
Let me see if I can find you
something. Come on in.
Brent returns to the table. Charlie follows Neal into the
kitchen, where Neal rummages in a drawer.
CLARISSA (O.S.)
Knock, knock.
All four guys turn to see CLARISSA (late 20s, total knockout)
sticking her head in the ajar door.
BRENT
(sotto, to Zach)
Typical. Girl like that with a
total beefcake.
CHARLIE
Guys, this is Clarissa.
ZACH
(sotto, to Brent)
Yeah. Typical.
CHARLIE
My sister.
Mature "Neighbors" 4.

6. Brent and Zach fly out of their seats and stand on either
side of her.
CLARISSA
Hi.
(beat)
Charlie, you find a screwdriver?
CHARLIE
Not yet, but my friend here-
NEAL
Neal.
CHARLIE
My friend Neal here was just
looking for me.
Neal looks at her and sheepishly begins to rummage harder.
INT. GUYS’ APARTMENT - LATER
Neal pulls a toolbox out from under the sink. He opens it and
pulls out a screwdriver.
NEAL
Knew this was down here.
He hands the screwdriver to Charlie.
NEAL (CONT’D)
Want something to drink?
CHARLIE
Sure.
Neal turns to Zach, Brent, and Clarissa across the room.
NEAL
You guys want something to drink-?
Zach and Brent have opened the toolbox and are loading more
and more tools into Clarissa’s hands.
CLARISSA
I don’t need any of these.
NEAL
(to Charlie)
Excuse my friends.
Charlie spots that the kitchen table is covered in tests.
Mature "Neighbors" 5.

7. CHARLIE
No problem. You a teacher?
NEAL
I am.
CHARLIE
That’s wonderful. And what a
thankless job that can be.
NEAL
Yeah.
CHARLIE
I mean, I’m sure you just went into
it wanting to make a difference.
NEAL
Yes.
CHARLIE
And it’s hard, because you care so
much. Right?
NEAL
Yes. You get it. And that’s so
refreshing to hear, considering how
sometimes it feels like I’m on a
completely different wavelength in
this apartment.
Neal and Charlie look over to see Brent trying to be macho in
front of Clarissa and turn on an electric saw.
BRENT
I’ve got it.
ZACH
No, it’s here.
BRENT
That’s where the batteries go.
CHARLIE
(to Neal)
Listen, I know this might sound
kind of sudden, but would you want
to come over for dinner later?
Neal looks and Brent and Zach each trying to hold the saw and
wrestle it away from the other one.
CLARISSA
Guys, really, it’s fine.
Mature "Neighbors" 6.

8. NEAL
You know? That sounds great.
CHARLIE
Great. It’ll just be something
quick.
(beat)
And maybe you come by yourself?
A saw is heard revving up.
ZACH (O.S.)
Whoa!
Neal nods to Charlie.
INT. GUYS’ APARTMENT - THAT EVENING
Neal wears khakis and a sweater. He holds a bottle of wine.
Brent pouts on the couch.
BRENT
It’s ridiculous that I have to pay
for Zach’s mistakes.
Zach enters.
ZACH
My mistakes?
BRENT
Um, yeah. You made a terrible first
impression when we were talking to
her. Or, should I say, when I was
talking to her and you were revving
an electric drill.
ZACH
Oh, I’m sorry that women like
power.
NEAL
I’m gonna go.
BRENT
Power, maybe. Power tools? No.
Neal exits.
INT. CLARISSA AND CHARLIE’S APARTMENT - EVENING
The door buzzes. Charlie answers it and welcomes Neal inside.
Their apartment is cluttered with unpacked boxes.
Mature "Neighbors" 7.

9. In the middle of everything is a makeshift picnic surrounded
by lit candles.
CHARLIE
Great, great. Please, come in.
Pardon the boxes.
NEAL
I brought this.
Neal hands Clarissa the bottle of wine, which she graciously
accepts.
CLARISSA
Thank you, Neal. We’ve still
everything in boxes, but I hope
organic paste is okay. I was able
to unpack some pans.
Neal nods.
NEAL
And candles, huh?
CHARLIE
Yeah, I love them. They serve as a
reminder of our futility.
NEAL
Sure...right.
CHARLIE
Please. Join us.
Charlie and Clarissa sit on the blanket. Neal hesitantly
joins them. There is a knock at the door. Confused, Charlie
gets up to answer it. It’s Brent. He has a sweater tied
around his neck and is carrying a bottle of wine.
BRENT
Hi, hate to intrude. It’s me,
Brent. From Neal and Brent across
the street.
CHARLIE
Yes? Can I help you?
BRENT
I couldn’t help but notice the
“wine” that Neal brought you guys
tonight. I figured to welcome you
to the neighborhood, I’d bring
something a little less common
folk.
Mature "Neighbors" 8.

10. Brent hands Charlie the bottle of wine and then stares in the
apartment.
BRENT (CONT’D)
Mmmm, what’s that I smell? Salmon?
CLARISSA
(bluntly)
Organic paste.
BRENT
Right, right. Paste.
CHARLIE
Would you like to join us? Maybe
you’ll do, too.
BRENT
Nah, I couldn’t impose. But okay.
Brent quickly hurries inside and sits down on the blanket
next to Clarissa. Charlie goes to close the door, but before
he can, someone outside sticks their foot in it. It’s Zach.
ZACH
Hey neighbors. You may remember me
from earlier. The guy with the
power tools.
He sticks his head in and winks at Clarissa.
ZACH (CONT’D)
Here’s some fancy booze.
Brent looks at the bottle, prepared to scoff.
BRENT
That’s my 1998 Sauvignon. I’ve been
saving that for a special occasion.
ZACH
What better occasion than eating
stuff while sitting on a floor?
Zach enters and sits on the other side of Clarissa.
INT. CLARISSA AND CHARLIE’S APARTMENT - KITCHEN
Neal sits next to Charlie on the blanket. Zach and Brent sit
closely on either side of Clarissa. Neal turns to Charlie.
NEAL
Food’s great. Thanks again.
Mature "Neighbors" 9.

11. CHARLIE
Of course, we’re glad you like it.
We really think you’re perfect and
that it’s meant to be.
NEAL
Thank you?
Zach leans in to Clarissa.
ZACH
So, wanna hang out later?
Charlie motions to Neal.
CHARLIE
Help me take out the trash?
BRENT
I’ve got tickets to the Bulls game,
Clarissa. What do you say?
Neal gets up and the two exit the dining room.
ZACH (O.S.)
And remember, I can always steal
Brent’s tickets and take you.
EXT. CLARISSA AND CHARLIE’S APARTMENT - BACK PORCH - EVENING
Charlie throws a bag of trash over the railing and into a
dumpster. He offers Neal a cigarette, which Neal declines.
Charlie lights up.
CHARLIE
I meant what I said earlier, you
know.
NEAL
About taking out the trash? I know.
Charlie laughs.
CHARLIE
No, about you being perfect.
Neal grows uncomfortable and tries to casually step away.
NEAL
Ah, right, right.
CHARLIE
Your bone structure, your
radiance...
Mature "Neighbors" 10.

12. NEAL
Yeah.
(beat)
Listen, I think you’re great and
all-
CHARLIE
Oh, I’m not hitting on you.
Clarissa and I were talking and we
think you’d be an ideal Celestial
Entrepreneur.
NEAL
Oh, okay.
(beat)
Wait, what?
CHARLIE
Why do you think we asked you over
to dinner tonight?
NEAL
To be neighborly. And because of
the screwdriver thing.
Charlie laughs.
CHARLIE
Listen, Neal. We’re only here for a
short period of time in these skin
vessels. It’s time to start
thinking beyond this plane, you
know?
Neal takes a step back to think, goes to ask something,
catches himself, and then asks it anyway.
NEAL
I’m sorry if I’m being blunt, but
are you in some kind of...cult?
CHARLIE
Yes.
NEAL
Oh.
(beat)
How didn’t I see this?
CHARLIE
I thought I made things pretty
clear.
CUT TO:
Mature "Neighbors" 11.

13. FLASHBACK - CHARLIE AND CLARISSA’S APARTMENT - EARLIER
Neal and Charlie washing up in the kitchen before dinner.
CHARLIE
You know, there are seven levels to
existence.
NEAL
Yeah, we’re in a two-flat. Your
building is nice, though.
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK - CHARLIE AND CLARISSA’S APARTMENT - EARLIER
Charlie and Neal look out the front window.
NEAL
I tell ya, you made the right
choice. I really love it here.
CHARLIE
Yeah. And I love Zanzu the Creator.
NEAL
I don’t really listen to hip hop.
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK - CHARLIE AND CLARISSA’S APARTMENT - EARLIER
Charlie, Clarissa, and Neal chop vegetables on the counter.
CHARLIE
Nice to meet you.
Charlie motions to Clarissa.
CHARLIE (CONT’D)
We’re in a cult.
NEAL
Yeah, shopping at Whole Foods can
feel that way.
(beat)
My mom’s into CrossFit. Don’t get
me started.
CUT TO:
EXT. CLARISSA AND CHARLIE’S APARTMENT - THAT MOMENT
Neal stands, eyes wide, and stares at Charlie.
Mature "Neighbors" 12.

14. CHARLIE
So please, enter with us. And we
can live forever.
NEAL
I’ve got to be honest. I don’t
think this is for me-
CHARLIE
And you can make love to my sister.
For Zanzu.
Neal pauses and then catches himself.
NEAL
Even so.
A crash is heard from the apartment. The two rush back
inside.
INT. CLARISSA AND CHARLIE’S APARTMENT - SECONDS LATER
Charlie and Neal enter to find Zach and Brent wrestling and
Clarissa standing by, rolling her eyes.
BRENT
(gasping)
She’s not into you.
ZACH
That’s exactly what someone would
say to discourage me.
BRENT
Yes. Exactly. And it’s true.
CLARISSA
I don’t know how I can make this
any clearer. I am not interested in
either of you. And I never will be.
ZACH
Playing hard to get, huh?
CLARISSA
No, Charlie and I are into Neal.
Brent and Zach stop wrestling and look up from the ground.
BRENT
Charlie and you?
Mature "Neighbors" 13.

15. ZACH
Neal? You’re into Sharpe? What the
hell is wrong with you?
Neal steps in.
NEAL
Nothing’s wrong with her.
(beat)
Well, she is in a cult.
Brent stands up.
BRENT
Okay. This has been great. But I’m
gonna get going.
ZACH
Well, I’m not going anywhere. I’m
staying here. With Clarissa.
Zach motions to Charlie for him to leave. Charlie shakes his
head.
ZACH (CONT’D)
And Charlie, too, I guess.
NEAL
Let’s go, Zach.
ZACH
Fine. But know that I won. That’s
my own cult right there. Winning.
BRENT
You saying that makes me think you
don’t know what that word means.
The three turn to exit, leaving Clarissa and Charlie standing
in the living room.
INT. GUYS’ APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
The three enter and collapse onto their couches. They are
silent.
ZACH
(to Brent)
Sucks for you. That cult didn’t
even want you.
Brent sits up, goes to say something, stops, shakes his head,
and leans back down.
Mature "Neighbors" 14.

16. NEAL
I think we learned a valuable
lesson tonight.
BRENT
That Zach doesn’t know the meanings
to a lot of words?
NEAL
That we should appreciate what we
have here. We don’t need to change
who we are to make new friends.
Everyone silent. Neal picks up a stack of tests on the coffee
table and goes back to grading.
ZACH
I knew something was off with
Charlie and Clarissa the whole
time.
(beat)
You know. Street smarts.
Brent clenches his jaw and picks up the test he was working
on earlier. Zach scrambles to do the same. Neal sighs.
END OF ACT
Mature "Neighbors" 15.