Neal, Brent, and Zach go grocery shopping together for the first time to buy actual groceries rather than just eating samples. At the store, Neal and Brent both see a woman named Claire and want to ask her out. They encourage each other to do so but both are rejected. Zach then casually talks to Claire and gets her to laugh, implying he got her number while Neal and Brent look on in disbelief.

1. Mature
"Groceries"
Written by
Bryan Kett
episode 005

2. Mature
"Groceries"
1.
INT. GROCERY STORE - AISLE - EVENING
ZACH, BRENT, and NEAL walk towards the produce section. NEAL
checks a grocery list on his phone.
ZACH
All I’m saying is don’t downplay
basing a small part of your diet on
free samples.
BRENT
Majority of your diet.
ZACH
Better than protein bars, Brent.
Eating samples has served me well, but
I’m ready to move on to actual meals.
Right Neal?
Neal scrolls on his phone.
NEAL
Totally. OK, where’s the cauliflower?
BRENT
Protein bars are great. Meal on the
go. Gotta bulk up today if you’re
gonna own the court room tomorrow,
right Neal?
NEAL
I don’t think that’s a phrase. But
like I said, pooling our money
together and buying actual groceries
would be a good thing. Not just
samples. Not just protein bars.
ZACH
I was reading a book on social class a
couple weeks ago.
Brent stops and stares at Zach. Neal looks up from his phone.
ZACH (CONT’D)
Uh huh.
(beat)
It was talking about how each
socioeconomic class, low, middle, and
high, has a different mind-set when it
comes to food.

3. Mature
"Groceries"
CONTINUED:
2.
BRENT
What does this have to do with where
the cauliflower is? And where did you
learn the word “socioeconomic”?
ZACH
People in a lower socioeconomic class
ask “Did everyone get enough to eat?”
People in a middle class ask “Did it
taste good?” And people with high
status ask “Was it presented well?”
And?
NEAL
ZACH
When I started getting samples, I was
on the low end. I ate as much as I
could. But then I started only eating
samples that didn’t make my stomach
hurt. Now, for me, it’s all about
presentation.
BRENT
Let’s go. Cauliflower.
Brent starts pushing the cart. Neal follows. Zach trails
behind.
ZACH
For instance, now I ask myself, “What
kind of Dixie cup is this piece of
meat in? Is there a toothpick
involved?” I’m high class because of
my system, so don’t knock it. Kicking
around the idea of buying a top hat
pretty soon.
INT. GROCERY STORE - PRODUCE SECTION - EVENING
The three stand in the produce section, in awe of the variety
of fruits and vegetables.
NEAL
My mom sent me some pretty nice
recipes we can use. Her famous butter
chicken?
BRENT
Sounds baller. And that’s coming from
someone who knows his way around the
kitchen.

4. Mature
"Groceries"
CONTINUED:
3.
NEAL
Meatball nirvana? Red lentil curry?
ZACH
I like the sound of that. Even if it’s
not presented on a small plastic plate
by an old woman in a hair net.
NEAL
Okay. Tomatoes, cauliflower, and red
onions.
BRENT
Red onions, right. Old onions that
haven’t matured yet into actual
onions.
The other two nod their heads in agreement, unsure if what
Brent is saying is actually true. Neal looks up from his list
and sees CLAIRE (mid 20s, yoga lover) surveying the green
peppers.
NEAL
Look at that.
Zach and Brent see Claire. They stand speechless for a
second.
BRENT
Wow. Beautiful.
ZACH
Yeah. And only 59 cents a pound.
NEAL
Not the green beans. Her.
Zach sees Claire.
ZACH
Eh, she seems a bit too “with it” for
me.
NEAL
Are you kidding? She’s perfect.
BRENT
One time, I saw a girl like that on
the bus and I swear to you, we made
eye contact. It. Was. Crazy. She got
off at Merchandise Mart. I never got
to tell her that one day, I might be
able to love her.

5. Mature
"Groceries"
CONTINUED: (2)
NEAL
(stumbling)
Well, go ask her out. Here’s your
second chance. She should be honored.
Brent straightens up.
BRENT
(stumbling)
No way, man. You can go. You saw her
first. She’s all yours. I’ll sit this
one out.
NEAL
No, no. When the cat’s away, the mice
will play.
(beat)
I’m the cat in this scenario, on the
prowl, you know? So go play, you
mouse.
BRENT
I’ve been hitting it pretty hard,
lately, though. Every weekend, a
different woman.
ZACH
Really? At our apartment?
BRENT
Not so much having women over, as much
as me putting out the vibe at bars.
But still.
Claire picks up a green pepper and puts it in her cart.
NEAL
Okay. How about this? Either none of
us ask her out, or all of us do.
BRENT
Like Spartacus.
ZACH
That discount dry cleaners?
They stare at him.
ZACH (CONT’D)
Like I said, I’m gonna sit this one
out. She seems a bit too-
4.

6. Mature
"Groceries"
CONTINUED: (3)
Beautiful?
Mature?
Competent?
Yes.
5.
BRENT
NEAL
BRENT
ZACH
Neal and Brent turn to one another.
BRENT
All right. I’m going in.
Brent walks towards her, stops, and turns around back to
Neal.
BRENT (CONT’D)
I really hope she says yes to you. I
know it’s not going to be me, but
promise me I’ll get a seat at the head
table.
NEAL
I am Spartacus.
BRENT
I am Spartacus.
ZACH
Why do you guys keep talking about
that dry cleaners?
INT. GROCERY STORE - PRODUCE SECTION - EVENING
Claire stands looking at the green, yellow, and red peppers.
Brent approaches and feigns interest in also looking at the
peppers.
BRENT
You know, you could save some money by
just buying some of those cheaper
green peppers and waiting until they
turn red.
What?
CLAIRE

7. Mature
"Groceries"
CONTINUED:
6.
BRENT
Peppers are like onions, changing
colors as they age.
CLAIRE
Thanks for the tip?
She goes back to surveying the produce.
BRENT
Normally I don’t even make my own
lunch. My law firm has it brought in.
Mainly dabble in big business.
CLAIRE
That’s neat.
BRENT
Yeah. Especially when we have a big
client in. Big, big client. Lots of
suits. Am I right?
Okay?
CLAIRE
BRENT
The old daily grind. So I was
wondering, maybe you’d want to get
together sometime? I’m Brent, by the
way. Some people call me B-thang. It’s
a nickname in progress. So I can pick
you up some night at 8CLAIRE
I’m busy at 8.
BRENT
I didn’t even say what day...
CLAIRE
I’m busy at 8 every night.
Brent bobs his head and tries to play it off. He lunges for a
bag of potatoes.
BRENT
Oh, here’s what I came over here for.
Brent quickly walks away.

8. Mature
"Groceries"
7.
INT. GROCERY STORE - DELI COUNTER - MOMENTS LATER
Brent walks up to Neal and Zach who are standing at the deli
counter.
NEAL
(to Zach)
I’m telling you, it’s roast beast is
not a thing.
ZACH
Agree to disagree.
Neal turns to Brent.
NEAL
How’d it go? You two going out?
BRENT
Oh, big time. She’s super easy to talk
to, you know?
NEAL
Awesome. I don’t have to go ask her
out, you know. I want you two to be
happyBRENT
No way. Spartacus. Get after it.
Neal steps away from the cart and slowly starts walking
towards Claire.
ZACH (O.S.)
Good evening. Can I have 15 pounds of
your finest roast beast, please?
INT. GROCERY STORE - PRODUCE SECTION - MOMENTS LATER
Claire places avocados into a bag. Neal approaches.
NEAL
Avocados, huh?
Yeah.
CLAIRE
NEAL
My students love those.
You teach?
CLAIRE

9. Mature
"Groceries"
CONTINUED:
8.
NEAL
Yeah, but I like to think they teach
me as much as I teach them.
Claire smiles but then turns away.
NEAL (CONT’D)
Lots of them can’t read well. I’m
their role model. Because I read
really well.
CLAIRE
That’s great.
Claire fumbles for her cell phone.
CLAIRE (CONT’D)
(into phone)
Hello?
NEAL
It didn’t ring...
CLAIRE
(into phone)
Hi sweetheart. I’m at the store. Yes,
buying food for our big romantic
dinner. Because we’re in a
relationship, that’s why.
Neal grabs a bag of potatoes and slinks away.
INT. GROCERY STORE - CHECKOUT LINE - EVENING
Zach and Brent stand and unload items from their cart onto
the conveyer belt. Brent loads the bag of potatoes he
grabbed. Neal approaches and puts the bag of potatoes he
grabbed next to it. Brent looks at him in question.
Well?
BRENT
ZACH
Well, that’s a ton of potatoes.
BRENT
About asking her out. Was my man
successful?
NEAL
Oh, yeah. Definitely. We’re going out.
Just like you two.

10. Mature
"Groceries"
CONTINUED:
9.
ZACH
When are each of you taking her out?
Saturday.
BRENT
Saturday.
NEAL
Zach stares at them.
BRENT
I mean, Friday.
NEAL
Whoops. Friday.
Zach stares at them again. Claire walks by in the b.g. with
her cart. Zach walks over to her, unbeknownst to Brent and
Neal.
BRENT
So what’d you say to her?
NEAL
Oh, you know. Just usual stuff. You?
BRENT
Yeah, me too. Usual, baller stuff.
NEAL
And I’m not one to kiss and tell.
BRENT
Me neither. I just want to respect her
and her femininity.
There is an awkward lull.
NEAL
You should take her gokarting or something.
BRENT
She smelled pretty cool,
right?
There’s another awkward lull. Brent hands his credit card to
the CASHIER. Brent takes the receipt and push their cart
towards the exit.
BRENT (CONT’D)
Where’d Zach go?
Zach and Claire walk by. Claire is laughing.
CLAIRE
Oh my gosh, you’re so funny.

11. Mature
"Groceries"
CONTINUED: (2)
10.
ZACH
There’s nothing funny about going up
three social classes in a month. I’m
high class now.
Zach catches Brent and Neal staring at him, mouths open. He
gives them a thumbs up.
ZACH (CONT’D)
(to Brent and Neal)
Hey guys. Sparkatis, right?
Neal clothes his eyes and sighs heavily.
I hate him.
BRENT
END OF ACT