The document discusses techniques for using persuasive and effective language when disciplining children to influence their behavior. It recommends using positive language that assumes the desired behavior is what the child wants to do. Specific techniques include using positive directions rather than negative ones, pointing out acceptable alternatives, giving more "start" messages than "stop" messages, stating rules impersonally, criticizing behaviors not character, giving clear commands, using more requests than commands, giving choices or forced choices to the child, and revealing or hierarchical choices. The goal is to communicate acceptance of the child while influencing them to the desired behavior through persuasive language.

2.  Language and communication are the keys to successful discipline. The language
patterns a teacher or a parent uses when disciplining children influence behavior.
When we control the messages we send to children, we control the way children feel
and think about our messages; when we control the way children feel and think
about our messages, we control their behavior. Carefully chosen words and crafted
messages can actively create the mental images and mood needed in children to
move them away from noncompliance and oppositional behavior and closer to do
what we asked them to do. When we persuade children to behave, we control their
behavior through language, using influence rather than power and domination.
Effective persuasive discipline means that we are able to communicate using just
the right words to get the positive outcome we intended. Persuasive discipline
contains specific language patterns and ways of talking to children to shift the
emotional state of the child so that we influence and promote positive behavioral
change.

3. ASSUME THAT WHAT YOU
WANT IS TRUE

4.  If you talk and act as if what you want is true,
children will believe you. When we assume
something, we send the message to children
that they already want to do what we are
asking; for example, asking, “Do you want to
listen to one or two stories?” creates the
expectation that the child wants and will listen to
a story.

5. USE POSITIVE DIRECTIONS

6.  When we use positive directions, we get better compliance than
when we use negative directions. Negative directions tell
children what not to do; “Don’t make noises” or “Don’t hit smaller
children” are examples of negative directions. On the other
hand, positive directions tell children what they need to do to
comply. Work in changing the negative directions you give to
children into positive directions. Shapiro (1994) recommends
that we write down the negative directions we typically say in
one column, and then, in a second column, we change those
statements into directions to the child that tell him or her, in a
very specific way, what he or she should be doing instead.
Always describe what you want in positive terms; for example,
“Talk in a quiet voice” rather than “Stop shouting.”

7. POINT OUT AN ACCEPTABLE
ALTERNATIVE

8.  Positive directions guide the child toward a more
appropriate behavior or to an alternative. From Shapiro we
adapted the following examples, “Making noises in the
library disturbs other people. If you need to make noises,
you can excuse yourself from the library and go outside for
five minutes,” and “When you hit smaller children you will
have to go to time-out. Try hitting this doll when you are
angry.” According to Schaefer (1994), when we point out
an acceptable alternative the child will be more likely to
change the inappropriate behavior because he knows
what he should do in addition to what not to do.

9. USE MORE “START”
MESSAGES AND FEWER
“STOP” MESSAGES

10.  It is easier to start doing something than to stop doing
something. Apply this principle when you discipline
children: instead of telling the child what to stop doing,
tell the child what to start doing. For example, we can
turn a statement like, “Stop playing with that toy” into
“Please, hand me the toy.” A teacher or parent skilled in
persuasive discipline is able to suggest alternative ways
of behaving rather than constantly saying, “No” or “Stop
that.”

11. STATE RULES
IMPERSONALLY

12.  For example, you can say, “The rule in this class is not
wearing caps in the room” rather than saying, “I don’t
want you wearing your cap.” At home, you can say, “The
rule in this house is not pushing your sister” instead of
“Stop pushing your sister!” When we use impersonal
wording, we make the conflict between the child and an
impersonal rule, not between the child and the adult or
between two children (Schaefer, 1994).

13. USE STATEMENTS THAT
DESCRIBE THE CHILD’S
ACTIONS, NOT THE CHILD’S
CHARACTER

14.  Messages that criticize the child’s character, rather than actions, lower
self-esteem and create the opposite effect of reinforcing negative
behavior. When we say things like, “Here you go again!” “You better
start acting your age!” “You never use your head!” “Can’t you do
anything right?” or “You don’t listen to anyone, do you?” we are
criticizing character. To be able to influence and persuade children,
first we need to develop an atmosphere that communicates our
acceptance of the child as a valuable and cherished individual even
when we disagree with the behavior. In simpler words, we clearly send
the message that although we disapprove of the behavior, we love and
appreciate the child. Any criticism given to a child should be corrective
or constructive criticism; that is, criticism should provide descriptive
information of the behavior that the child needs to modify, coupled with
at least one acceptable alternative, to increase the probability that the
child will produce the correct behavior the next time. When criticizing
behavior, try to link the criticism with a compliment related to the
behavior.

15. GIVE ALPHA COMMANDS

16.  A command is a short authoritative statement that demands immediate compliance. Walker and
Walker (1991) identify two types of commands:
A. Beta commands involve vague and multiple directives, given simultaneously, and do not provide
a clear criterion for compliance. With a beta command, we do not give the child adequate time
and opportunity to comply; in other words, when we give a beta command, we do not tell the
child exactly what he needs to do to comply. Beta commands usually come with excessive
verbalizations. From Walker and Walker we adapted the following example of a beta command:
“Jimmy, this desk is a mess! It’s your job to clean it up instead of waiting for me to do it for you!
I’m tired of always organizing this desk!”
B. Alpha commands involve a clear, direct, and specific statement without additional
verbalizations, and they allow a reasonable period of five to fifteen seconds for the child to
respond. Alpha commands are short and they tell the child exactly what to do; for example,
“Pick up all the toys from the floor and put them on the shelf.”

17.  Beta commands lower the rate of compliance; alpha commands increase
compliance. However, both types of commands can escalate into a demand; this is
why we should use commands carefully and only if they are necessary to the
situation. The authors recommend that, to give alpha commands:
A. Use positive, descriptive terms.
B. Give only one command at a time, followed with a period to comply.
C. Do not argue with the child, and do not reissue the command or give a different
command to the child.
D. If the child does not comply, we repeat the same command, beginning with “You
need to…” and telling a mild consequence.
E. If the child complies, we give her positive attention and descriptive praise, e.g.
“Good, you responded promptly to what I asked you to do.” We get better results
when we move closer to the child to give the command (close proximity technique).

18. GIVE MORE REQUESTS AND
FEWER COMMANDS

19.  Do not give a command if a request would do it as well.
Always use more requests and suggestions than
commands or direct orders. Unlike a command, a
request carries no pressure to comply and implies that
the child has a choice; in other words, the child has the
opportunity of refusing. Most requests are stated in the
form of questions; in addition, requests are
accompanied frequently by social conventions such as,
“Would you please…?” or “I would like you to…” (Walker
and Walker, 1991) More specifically, a request is asking;
a command is telling. As with commands, you will get
better results if you (Schaefer, 1994)…

20. 1. Stay close to the child, rather than making your request from a distance.
2. Make eye contact.
3. Limit yourself to two requests, making the same request only twice, and
avoiding making different requests at the same time.
4. Turn down your voice volume, using a soft but firm voice.
5. Use “start” requests rather than “stop” requests.
6. Give a reasonable time for the child to comply to your request (five to
fifteen seconds).
7. Make a clear, descriptive request, using positive wording; for example,
“Please shut down the computer.”
8. Reward compliance with a smile and a “Thank You.”

21. GIVE CHOICES TO THE
CHILD

22.  Providing opportunities to make choices is
effective in increasing positive behavior and
compliance in children. Try to give the child
some freedom of choice; for example, “Either
read quietly or go to the time out area to
read.” According to Schaefer (1994), giving
choices to children increase their
independence and decision-making ability.

23. USE FORCED CHOICES

24.  To make sure the child does the behavior we want, limit the choices given
to the child to only two. This technique is known as forced choices or
double binds, because, regardless of what the child chooses to do, she is
still complying with the behavior that we want. An example of a forced
choice is, “You have two choices; either finish the math problems now so
that I have time left to read you a story, or you complete the problems after
lunch.” To increase compliance to our preferred option, we make easier for
the child to choose the one that we want and harder to choose the less
attractive choice. Alternatively, we can make the choice we want more
attractive and desirable to the child. In our example, the adult raised the
desirability of finishing “now” by including in this choice an activity that is
valuable to the child; reading her a story. When there are more than two
choices available, we offer the option we want the child to take either first
or last.

25. A. Revealing choices; example, “Do you want milk or orange juice
with your lunch… and salad… carrots only or with green peas…
What fruit do you want, pear or apple?”
B. Hierarchical choices; for example, “Do you want the bigger ball or
the smaller one?” “How many pages are you going to read before
the break, five or ten?”
C. The contrasting choice. With this choice, you offer first something
that has less chance for the child to choose, making it look as
something inevitable. Then you follow with the real alternative;
example, “You can practice the spelling words now… or you can
organize your desk.”

26.  We can increase compliance to forced
choices by helping the child feel that what
she is doing is her own idea; you might say,
“What would you rather do, solve the math
problems or work on the social studies
essay?” “Which of these three books do you
prefer to read?”

27. BREAK DOWN YOUR
PERSUADING

28.  Smaller requests are easier to understand and to comply. With this
technique, we move the child to make a larger commitment by
asking for a smaller commitment first, e.g. asking the child to read
only five pages of the book, and after he finishes, asking him to
finish reading the book. A variation of this technique is asking for
something small first, and when the child complies, we ask for
something bigger, and finally something even bigger, e.g. read five
pages, then read five more pages, and finally, finish reading the
book.

29. MAKE THE BIGGER
REQUEST FIRST

30.  This technique is the opposite of breaking down our persuading.
Here, we make the biggest request first, something that the child
may find excessive and will likely refuse, and when he refuses, we
ask for something that requires less effort and feels more
reasonable to the child; in other words, we get a “no” first so that
we can get a “yes” last. For example, first, you ask the child to read
the whole book, and then you reduce the request to reading only
ten pages. This technique uses the contrast principle; by contrast,
the second request seems smaller and easier to agree with when
compared with the initial request.

31. BUTTERING UP

32.  Schaefer (1994) describes this technique as doing the
child a favor in order to make him feel obligated to
return the favor later on; that is; we reward the child in
one area before expecting compliance in a different
area. For example, you reduce in half the amount of
computation problems the child must complete and then
you tell him that in return you want him to work on his
social studies project for an extra period.

33. USE ODD NUMBERS

34.  This is also known as the pique technique. When we use odd
numbers, we are making an unusual request that leads to
confusion and even wonder of why we are making such a peculiar
request; for example, “Can you spare 19 cents?” rather than asking
for a quarter. With children, for example, you tell the child that the
toys must be on the shelves at exactly 13 minutes after 2:00, or say
that, when the clock shows exactly 9:23, you want to see the
computers off and the class in line. Children put all their attention in
the odd time, forgetting to refuse.

35. USE HIDDEN COMMANDS

36.  With this technique, we hide our command within the longer sentence; the other
words in the sentence distract the child away from any resistance to the command.
We can emphasize a hidden command by changing the tone of our voice, more
specifically; we can change the tone of our voice when we indicate the action (verb)
that we want. Examples of hidden commands:
A. The “I wonder” command; “I wonder if you could organize your desk in 13 minutes.”
B. The “doubt” command. With this command, we sound uncertain that the child is
able or willing to perform the action; example, “Can you reach that top shelf? Great!
Could you help me put these books away?”
C. The assumption command. Here, we act and talk as if the child is going to obey the
command; “After you organize your desk, do you want to read a story?”; “Which of
these three stories are you going to read?”

37. USE SUGGESTIONS

38.  We make a suggestion when we lead the child to consider an idea or thought, examples, “You
might want to consider this…” or “Maybe if you try it this way…” Schaefer (1994) identifies two
main types of suggestions:
1. Indirect suggestion; for example, “From what I hear, you feel that the best way to settle this is to
let Casey know that she needs to ask you before she borrows your markers.” An indirect
suggestion simply strengthens an idea that is already present in the child’s mind.
2. Positive suggestion is the act of attributing to the child a positive quality even when there is only
minimal evidence that the child actually has that attribute or quality. We inspire the child to
behave in a positive way by suggesting that he is already behaving that way to some degree.
For example, “You seem much stronger than you have ever been, so I know you are going to be
very brave”; “Ricky and you are best friends, so I know you want to settle this issue with him”;
“At heart, you are really an orderly child. I know you want to keep your desk neat and organized
so that you can find your books and materials quickly”; “You don’t give up easily, so you are
going to try hard and do your best.” Positive suggestions work best when the quality attributed is
not too discrepant from the child’s character and ability; in other words, the child is able to
perform the behavior or skill that you are attributing him.

39.  The language patterns we use define us and define the way we relate
with our children. Modifying what we say and the way we say it can do
wonders in the way children behave. In addition, when we feel
confident that we can influence and persuade our students, we will be
able to change their behavior. When disciplining children, be confident
in everything you say and do. Talk with confidence and conviction;
show confidence in your actions too. Believe in your ability to persuade
and to influence children. Your confidence is catching, and you will be
able to lead children in developing a healthy and confident self-image
making your discipline more likely to succeed. The persuasive
language patterns presented here not only guide children toward
positive behavior, but also help improving the overall atmosphere
between children and adults. Persuasive language is behavioral
language; when we command persuasive language, we control
behavior.

40. 1. Schaefer, C.E. (1994). How to influence children: A
handbook of practical child guidance skills (Second
Edition). Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson.
2. Shapiro, L.E. (1994). Tricks of the trade: 101
psychological techniques to help children grow and
change. King of Prussia, PA: Center for Applied
Psychology.
3. Walker, H.M., & Walker, J.E. (1991). Coping with
noncompliance in the classroom: A positive approach
for teachers. Austin, Texas: Pro-Ed.

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