For the Love of Children

Runninghead: FORTHE LOVE OF OUR CHILDREN
For the Love of our Children
Rhonda S. Vanoverstraeten
Liberty University

Abstract
Many different parenting philosophies have been put into practice over the years with
the help of books, teachers, PhD’s, and magazines, among other aides. In 1928, Behaviorist J.B.
Watson claimed he had a “foolproof” method for raising children, which led him to be one of
the most influential experts during this era. His advice was to show little or no affection to
children or it could inflict lifelong wounds, making infancy unhappy, adolescence a nightmare
that would destroy a child’s future, vocation, and chance for marital happiness (Dobson, 1992).
Obviously, this “foolproof” method that Watson developed was not the answer to proper
parenting or the world would not be seen as it is today. Is there a formula that will ensure the
correct parenting theology? Does one family have it all figured out and their neighbor doesn’t?
Why do kids turn out the way they do? As parents are handed their gift of a newborn, it is not
often seen that they will play the biggest role in how their child’s history will be recorded. No
parent enters into the new role of mom or dad without good intentions of offering the best for
their child. Sadly, intentions and what someone thinks is best, is not enough. There is hope for
the future of children that begins with a love that remains unknown to many. Laying this
foundation will reap many benefits for each child, parent, and generations that are to follow.

For the Love of our Children
Society today is in a state of moral and spiritual decline that has led many to question what
has caused this boundary-less culture. Unthinkable acts are happening all around us, perhaps
within our very own families or neighborhoods. The rising statistics that are seen year after
year is a sure sign America is headed for disaster if something is not done about what’s causing
this moral and spiritual decline. Every 24 hours, 3,000 kids see their parents’ divorce, 3,200 kids
run away from home, 1,500 kids drop out of school, and nearly 8,000 kids become sexually
active. Nearly 1/3 of children sitting in a class room of 20 have been sexually molested with
half of them waking up in a home without the presence of their biological father (Clinton,
2011). In 2003, over 900,000 kids were determined to be the victim of child abuse or neglect.
On average, there is one child predator per square mile; that should be evidence enough
something must be done to stop this epidemic (Tchividjian, 2011).
Most parents would be shocked to learn the percentages of kids that have tried, or are
currently using alcohol and drugs. In a study done with 12th graders, 85% had tried alcohol,
with 55% still drinking. Among those same 12th graders, 51% had tried marijuana, with 19%
still using (Clinton, 2011). Suicide has tripled over the years among teenagers, and people
wonder why or what would cause a child OR GROWN ADULT to take their own life (Hart, 2011).
In America, we allow babies to be murdered by way of abortion, yet we sentence people to
prison for killing and abusing animals. In years past, women were stay at home wives and
moms, whose job was to raise children and tend to the needs of the home. Even that has
changed. Society encourages women to be independent and successful in the business world,

leaving little time to raise their children. A book released by John MacArthur in 2000 reported
that more than 50% of all women are now in the work force. The number now exceeds 50
million working mothers. Most of these women have school age children or younger. Two out
of every three children between the age of three and five spend part of their day in facilities
outside the home (MacArthur, 2000).
Society today does not reflect what God intended for family structure when He created
humanity. Husbands and wives are called into a covenant relationship with God, and are to
raise their children based on His word, not their own. Learning His ways, and making them
applicable is the only hope in saving families from the corruption that is taking place in America.
The children are innocent victims who are suffering at the hands of their parents due to the lack
of spiritual and moral principles taught in each home. “Train up a child in the way he should go,
and when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6 NKJV).
The single most important foundation for successful parenting is a healthy marriage found
within the home; a marriage that is based off of biblical principles and each ones love for Christ
and one another. Unfortunately, that is not the case in many homes today. There are single
parent homes, those with both parents yet filled with anger and animosity, as well as homes
that have one parent who is a believer with the other one not. Couples who go through divorce
are still called by God to find a way to show honor, love, forgiveness, and value for the other
person even though the marriage ended. Proverbs 20:7 states, “The righteous man walks in his
integrity, his children are blessed after him (NKJV). Although all of these situations can be
difficult at times, God will stand in the gap and has not forsaken single parents and children

from broken homes. “God sets the solitary in families; He brings out those who are bound into
prosperity, but the rebellious dwell in a dry land” (Psalm 68:6, NKJV).
All parents fall short no matter what, but God is a God of forgiveness who will cleanse and
make one whole again. Various parenting philosophy’s are with good intent, but that does not
guarantee success, nor give the assurance their children are being who God called them to be.
He desires parents to nurture their children who will mature into adults that will be a reflection
of His heart. Kimmel (2004) suggests, “The real test of a parenting model is how well equipped
the children are to move into adulthood as vital members of the human race”. He adds, “They
need to be engaged in the lives of the people in their culture, gracefully representing Christ’s
love inside these desperate surroundings” (pg. 9). Parenting models vary in technique that
may include abuse or neglect, without the intent or awareness of the harm they cause.
Clinton and Sibcy (2006), offer the following description of parents who are over controlling.
They see their children as versions of themselves, showing a lack of respect towards them.
They dictate the will of their children by giving directions and commands, not allowing for
individuality. They teach their children that the world perceives them based upon their
performance and hard work, not the way they treat others in getting the job done (pg. 6). This
parenting type attempts to control every aspect of the child’s life; their friends, the sports they
play, their entertainment, what clothes they wear, even down to the college they attend. They
expect unquestionable obedience to a set standard of conduct, and will punish with power
assertive techniques for breaking the rules. This form of authoritarian parenting often closes
the door for a true relationship with their children, as the child fears they will be judged against,

and punished. This type of parenting is often seen within the church communities (Kimmel,
2004, pg.17). Over-controlling parents are motivated by wanting their child to succeed,
although this approach is not often taken with malicious intent. Dr. James Dobson, a licensed
psychologist who holds a Ph.D. in child development, and also the president of Focus on the
Family makes the following comments regarding children who are on the oppressive end of the
continuum; “A child suffers the humiliation of total domination. The atmosphere is icy and
rigid, and he lives in constant fear. He is unable to make his own decisions, and his personality
is squelched beneath the hobnailed boot of parental authority. Lasting characteristics of
dependency, deep abiding anger, and even psychosis can emerge from this persistent
dominance” (Dobson, 1992, pg. 11).
On the opposite end of the spectrum, there are parents who have no control and have more
of a “free for all” type atmosphere within the home. This style of parenting makes it difficult to
identify who is the parent, and who is the child. Most tend to lack structure, discipline, respect,
or consistency from one day to the next. Children in these homes tend to stay confused as to
what is expected of them. Rules may apply one day with punishment, but not the next,
depending on the parent’s mood. This lackadaisical approach in parenting can be constantly
motivated by an ongoing crisis situation or overcompensating from things in the past. Dr. Tim
Kimmel, co-founder of Family Matters, states the following on what he calls, Life-Support or 911
Parenting; “These homes have the feature that a particular crisis is dominating their focus.
They may be consumed with a medical crisis or economic crisis. Or the Crisis may be the result
of the deterioration or collapse of a marriage. Sometimes, these parents have had a

shortchanged childhood or a painful past and have serious wounds to their hearts” (Kimmel,
2004, pg.16).
Physical and sexual abuse that takes place within the home is definite forms of child abuse,
but most tend to ignore the behaviors, techniques, and effects of emotional and verbal abuse.
This form of abuse includes; chastisement, judgment, withdrawing love based on behavior,
criticism, goading, provoking anger, demeaning a child and making them feel stupid. Parents
who criticize, never praise, point out all faults and never what is done good will result in a
broken spirit that may never heal. Self-esteem is defined as “judgment a person makes about
his or her self-worth and is based on a child’s growing cognitive ability to describe and define
themselves” (Papilla & Feldman, 2011; pg.283). Children who live in this type of environment
tend to accept the judgments and behaviors of their parents, leaving them in a state of
helplessness, and giving up. About one-third to one-half of preschoolers, kindergartners, and
first graders show elements of this “helpless” pattern, sometimes referred to as “learned
helplessness” (Papilla & Feldman, 2011, pg.284). Haim Ginott wrote, “A child learns what he
lives. If he lives with criticismhe does not learn responsibility. He learns to condemn himself,
and to find fault with others. He learns to doubt his own judgment, to disparage his own
ability, and to distrust the intentions of others. And above all, he learns to live with continual
expectation of impending doom” (MacArthur, 2000, pg. 141).
Children will thrive and excel the most if raised in an environment filled with genuine love
undergirded by reasonable and consistent discipline. Parents cannot be dependent on luck or
hope to determine the attitudes everyone desires from their children. The most effective

model of parenting is based on grace requiring courage, consistency, conviction, diligence,
enthusiastic effort, and above all, a relationship with Christ bathed in prayer.
MacArthur (2000) states “a child’s greatest need is Regeneration” (pg. 42). Jesus spoke the
following words to Nicodemus; “That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born
of the Spirit is spirit. Do not marvel that I said to you, you must be born again” (John 3:6-7
NKJV). Parents are responsible for honoring Christ in their home, giving their children an
opportunity to have a personal relationship with Him. Romans 10:14 states, “How then shall
they call on Him in whom they have not believed? And how shall they believe in Him of whom
they have not heard? And how shall they hear without a preacher? (NKJV) Genuine faith is not
something a parent can do for their children. Re- birth is a work of the Holy Spirit and must be
settled between the child and God. If a parent tries to coerce, or force this on a child, this may
pressure them into a false conversion. Every opportunity should be taken to teach a child
about the love of Christ, His mercy and grace, and His ways.
Dr. Tim Kimmel (2004) states, “there are three driving inner needs in a child; a need for
security, significance, and strength. The way to meet these needs is by giving three valuable
gifts: love, purpose, and hope” (pg. 25). A parent’s love for their child normally begins long
before their birth. There are different aspects of love that people experience. Grace based
parenting develops a child’s secure love to carry with them throughout their lives. Kimmel
(2004) defines secure love as, “a steady and sure love that is written on the hard drive of
children’s souls. It’s a complete love that they default to when their hearts are under attack.
It’s the kind of love that children can confidently carry with them into the future” (pg. 46).

Sacrificial love requires a parent to commit their own will to the needs and best interests of
their child, regardless of the cost. This does not mean giving in to their every want, making life
easy for them, or rescuing them from their battles and wrong choices. Children feel secure
when they are surrounded by a loving and honoring family. Kimmel (2004) states, “these
homes give children a deep sense of being loved in a secure environment. Their opinions and
concerns are important as well. Their time, ideas, space, and their vulnerabilities should be
respected” (pg. 62).
Love is not based on conditions. As children moved into adulthood, the reason they feel
insecure about love is not because their parents didn’t love them, but because the love they
received from their parents was incomplete. Sometimes they felt as if they had to earn or
compete for love. At an early age, they learned they only received praise or made their parents
proud when they made their parents look good.
According to Dobson (1992), “heredity does not equip a child with proper attitudes; children
learn what they are taught” (pg. 15). Discipline is not optional when striving to be a successful
parent. Children must learn at an early age to respect, be obedient, and that there will be
consequences for their choices if stepping outside of those guidelines. Breaking a glass or
leaving a new toy in the rain does not constitute a blatant lack of authority. If a child emanates
disobedience out of sheer rebellion, these are the occasions that require a parent to take
charge and discipline accordingly. Back talking, disrespect, and willful defiance should never be
accepted in a home that is grace based and following biblical principles. Jesus always loves the

sinner, but not the sin. Revelations 3:19 says, “As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten.
Therefore, be zealous and repent” (NKJV).
Every child is born with a significant purpose equipped with special talents and abilities. As
parents begin to notice what these are, it is their call to nurture these, so that they reach their
fullest potential. This is an inner need that God instills in everyone, not something that is a
learned behavior, nor what the parent thinks it should be out of selfish motivation. Kimmel
(2004) recommends three things a parent can do to help build this significant purpose in a
child’s life; regularly affirm them, be attentive, and gracefully admonish them. This should be
done in every dimension; emotionally, physically, intellectually, and spiritually (pgs. 83-89).
Unfortunately, many young people never find their gifts and talents due to their parent’s
unwillingness to help them. Kimmel makes this eye-opening portrayal if this occurs in a child’s
life; “It makes you wonder how many home runs were never hit, how many new products were
never invented, how many songs were never written, or how many elections were never won.
Untapped potential is a crime to humanity, an insult to God, and a shame for an individual”
(2004, pg. 73).
Parents should always accept the unique characteristics that are developing in their children
as they mature into adulthood. This allows them to sense the way Christ sees each one in their
own uniqueness. Kimmel (2004) states, “When we receive our children as they are, we reflect
the kind of love that God has for them. It’s the kind of love that that will carry them through
the good times and the bad times for the rest of their life” (pg. 55). Children who are raised in

homes who are free to be different, candid, and make mistakes; learn the very essence of
God’s love that He bestows on all people.
Every parent has the choice to play a vital role in the way society is seen today; to be a part
of a new era that sees the beginning with the end in mind. Choices must be made that may
require downsizing homes, cars, giving up careers, and moving out of comfort zones so many of
us find it hard to get out of. Cheating our children out of what is so rightfully theirs is a sin
against God, and against our children that each parent will be held accountable for. Jesus said,
“Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of
heaven” (Matthew 19:14, NKJV). A parent who falls in Love with Christ and display’s His grace
and mercy is foundational in successful parenting. Preaching Godly behavior without practicing
it will prove fruitless. Every child needs to hear from their parents that they are a gift from
God, to go make a difference, and although they may struggle at times, they are forgiven.
Children long for affection, unconditional love, words of praise and encouragement, and
structure that give them a sense of a secure based home. A family divided is much weaker
than a family united; there is strength in numbers. Jesus spoke the words in Matthew 18:20,
“For where two or three are gathered in My name, there I am in the midst of them” (NKJV).
Are we willing to do what it takes, for the love of our children?

Reference List
Clinton, T. (2011). CCOU302, Online classroom video; Stress and our kids. Lynchburg, VA.
Liberty University.
Clinton, T., & Sibcy, G. (2006). Loving your child to much. Nashville, TN. Integrity Publishers.
Dobson, J. (1992). Dare to discipline. Wheaton, IL. Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.
Feldman, R. D., & Papalia, D. E. (2011, 12th ed.). A child’s world. Infancy through adolescence.
New York, NY. McGraw-Hill.
Kimmel, T. (2004). Grace based parenting. Nashville, TN. Thomas Nelson.
MacArthur, J. (2000). What the bible says about parenting. Nashville, TN. Thomas Nelson.
Stoop, D. (2011). Forgiving our parents forgiving ourselves. Ventura, CA. Regal.
Tchividjian, B. (2011). CC302, Online classroom video; preventing child abuse. Lynchburg, VA.
Liberty University.

For the Love of Children

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