The document describes a teenager's experience dealing with hallucinations of their deceased mother after being placed in a psychiatric clinic. They have vivid dreams of their mother that turn disturbing. At the clinic, they receive medication and counseling but continue seeing their mother's apparition. Their goal is to improve enough to be discharged by the end of the month.

1. Dead end I wake
Turn the corner again in a cold sweat,
Dead end white sheets twisted in
Blackness my clammy palms. I
Wall
Mom begin to focus my eyes
Reach Out in the blackness.
Thin air Wall
Shelf
There is nothing. Wall
Nightstand
I can see you Wall
Mom
Fading
I shut my eyes again
Don’t go
Open them
You smile Mom
You disappear
Awake

2. I know you’re not real I was 15
I know you’re not real when my mother was diagnosed
I whisper to thin air. with a brain tumor. The doctor
said there was nothing he could do;
I shut my eyes the tumor was metastasizing too rapidly.
I say the words over again.
It had always been mom and I.
I get louder each time I say them Mom and me we were best
I begin shaking my head violently. friends, and did everything together,
until mom couldn’t leave the house.
I want the images to go away
I know you’re not real. Mom, do you want to go to the park; it’s a
nice day?
GO AWAY!
No, I’m not feeling good. Maybe another
day.
That was her usual response.

3. That was the start of it It was the same dream
and
then ever night I was trapped in a maze. It was
it
went dark.
downhill
Then out of nowhere mom would
In October, she was given six to nine
months. Those months were spent it bed. appear.
In June, I went to live with gram. She wore the clothes I from the
That is when the dreams started.
funeral.
I was 16 when I first saw her;
The ghost of my mom. A Key West sweatshirt and jeans.
She wore this outfit all the time, it seemed
appropriate.

4. When I first had the It was a lovely
dreams Wednesday afternoon in July. The sky was
blue and the sun shining. I was sitting in the
I liked seeing her kitchen when I first saw the image of mom
then the dreams became horrid. standing outside the window. I couldn’t
believe what I was seeing.
Mom would appear
then turn into bones Is this really happening?
right in front of my eyes. Am I crazy?
Gram was so depressed
from losing her only child;
I didn’t dare say anything to her.
They were only dreams.

5. A light flickers on I awake
Two nurses come in feeling groggy and my memory of last
one is holding a needle. night’s drama is foggy.
I don’t want to see her, make her go away. I don’t have time to process because it is
time for breakfast.
The nurse injects the needle
into my forearm. After being here for a week, the routine for
the day catches on fast.
She releases a light sedative
that will hold out until morning. Breakfast Lunch Dinner
Med Group Counseling
Shower Break Free Time
School School Meds
Bed
And the next day is the same.

6. The clinic I really don’t
has girls all around my age like this place, but gram insists I stay
just with different problems. here until.
Suicide I snap back to reality.
Drugs
Crazy That’s what she likes to refer to my
hallucinations as.
We all get weekly evaluations
and if we show progress we can go home. She says she can’t handle losing her only
granddaughter.
I’m shooting to get out of here by
the end of the month.
That is 23 days.
I think I can do it.

7. After a month The dining hall
of living at gram’s my dreams started was becoming scarce.
becoming reality. Everyone was beginning
their daily routines. I throw
I could see my mom then she would my breakfast in the trash
disappear. I couldn’t handle it anymore
that is when I decided to stop them I walk down the hall,
I grabbed gram’s painkillers and which has colorful
emptied them into my shaking palm. morals painted by
Then I took and unfolded a paperclip other patients.
Mine as well do it right Five-paces
Dead end
Gram walked in to find me half-conscious. Fifteen-paces
She still has nightmares about finding me. Left
I had blood on my shirt Right
and yelling belligerently. Enter
I wanted mom to leave me alone.
I didn’t want to see her like that.

8. The room is School is for
those who are able to function in a
nothing special. The classroom looks classroom setting. There are occasional
like any other with a chalkboard and desks. outbursts and disruptions, but the clinic tries
to keep it as normal as possible.
The room was painted aqua blue
because the staff says its calming. There are five girls, including me.
I don’t like it. Sara sits in front of me.
Her blond hair is always
There aren’t any posters on the wall. scraggily from her constantly
Girls got into too many tantrums. pulling on it
They would tear them down repeatedly, Jen sits diagonally to the left.
so the staff quit putting them back up. She smells, and I wonder if she
even takes baths? I try not to
There is a bookshelf in the back look at her much.
with a few select book. Not many.
Amber sits diagonally to the right.
They have been pre-approved by staff. She is always mumbling to herself.
We check them out like a library. I try not to listen. She’s crazy.
The teacher brings her own things Beth sits beside me.
and takes it home with her every day. But she hasn’t been able
to attend because of issues.
Poor thing.

9. I reach Tears begin
underneath my seat and grab my book from welling up and my palms begin gripping
the rack. That is when she first appeared the tops of my thighs scratching the top
through the doorway layer of skin. None of the other girls notice
the behavior. I try to keep it to myself. I get
Plain as day up and go to the hallway.
I try to ignore the sight, but mom beings She doesn’t follow
walking towards me saying something, but
I can’t understand
Eyes shut Open
Still there
Shut Open
Still there

10. Miss Smith I follow
Miss Smith into the room.
My teacher The rest of the afternoon,
is walking I obnoxiously chew on my
towards me pen cap and can’t concentrate
holding papers
I wait for her to disappear
Hello, Jessie
Hello, Miss Smith
She knows
our history
and what
to avoid
She knows
about my
hallucinations
She doesn’t
ask questions
It isn’t
her place
Deep breath Exhale
Wait Enter

11. At counseling Walking back
to my room
I keep thinking
I confess
I saw my mom-again Am I ever going to get better?
The doctor Why am I like this?
shakes his head Am I crazy?
He asks Do others think I’m crazy?
me to explain
She just appeared
Uh, huh
He nods his head
and scribbles
Well, the only thing we can do is up your
medication
I see here you had another episode last
night. We still aren’t able to determine
what is causing you to have these
occurances
Therefore, what I want you to do is
write down when you have these
hallucinations, maybe we can find
a pattern
I have no more
to add to the session
It is cut short today
pointless

12. At dinner I twist
my spaghetti noodles around on my fork.
I can’t eat.
The meatballs are too hard, so I can’t mash
I feel nauseated
them into the saucy mess.
The mixture of tomato sauce and
I think
disinfectant smell only makes my
stomach queasier.
about how life used to be when I was
younger. When I was normal. When I
The cafeteria is small with five round
wasn’t crazy.
takes sitting eight. The food isn’t bad. That
is if you like processed food with hardly any
flavor.
You can tell the people who have been
here long. They eat the food. Every Saturday
there is a big dinner for everyone. I don’t
understand why. But there is. Nothing
exciting really happens in the cafeteria.
Just breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

13. As I sit thinking A nurse comes
an image beings forming in my head She grabs my hands,
the image starts faint and becomes clearer which are clawing at my head
As I sit thinking The nurse is able to help
me focus and calm down
I am starring my mom in the face
the mom I remember beautiful and lively I look down and notice
a tiny clump of hair in my fingers
As I sit thinking
The nurse gives me a glass
The face starts withering of water and leads me to my room
It looks terrifying
As I sit thinking
Her skin starts to peel off
until there is nothing left but bones
As I sit thinking
Her hair starts to fall out in clumps
Her eyes look sad.
As I sit thinking
there is nothing I can do to stop it
I can’t push the image out of my head

14. My room
It isn’t anything special. People think it is a I lay here
communal room, which they can walk
through whenever. starring at the ceiling of my tiny room. I
spend many nights starring up at the ceiling.
Annoying A piece of it is starting to crack directly
above where I sleep. It looks like it is going
I have a bed, nightstand, small dresser, and a to fall. I hope that it will be a big piece, and
shelf. The furniture is old. It has defiantly hopefully it will hit me while I am sleeping,
been replaced several times. so I won’t feel anything. I secretly think of
this to myself every time I look at the crack.
Stupid
Just as I am thinking of my death scenario, I
My bed creaks-bad. That is how the nurses hear something.
can tell if I am having a bad dream or not
because they can hear my bed. Tap. Knock. Shadow. I shut my eyes.
Weird It’s time for your group session. However,
the doctor said if you’re not feeling up to it
Once I got here, I became very organized. I you don’t have to go today.
keep everything in a specific place. I like it
that way.

15. I open my eyes Group is
to see the bouncy headed nurse no different each night. We all gather
smiling at me like I am five years old around in a circle, so we can see
everyone’s’ shining faces.
Yeah I’ll go Blah
Sure beats the hell out of laying here The chairs are hard and uncomfortable.
waiting for the ceiling to crash down on me. The counselor is a complete idiot.
He sits in his chair and stares, interrupting
when he feels.
Those who talk, talk.
Those who don’t, don’t.
I usually don’t.
I don’t want these strangers judging me
as I judge them. In ways group makes me
feel better. It makes me realize that there are
people more messed up than me.
Relieving and Therapeutic

16. Everyone usually We are allowed
to have free time before bed. Free time, like
talks about their day we are in jail or something. Technically, we
are prisoners. It’s not like we can leave; our
I sit problems will still be there.
arms folded.
So, I join everyone in the “free room” –
I don’t understand the point of group. how cheesy. That’s really what it is called.
I don’t care how everyone’s day went. There’s a sign over the door. It was painted
The doctors say it helps to talk about your a while ago by someone who went here. So,
problems. there is hope that one day we can leave.
I don’t want to
I sit
arms folded
The hour drags.
Time is up.
Everyone files out.
Another successful session.
Not.

17. The free room I get up
is a place where everyone and walk to the bookshelf.
can hang out. There is a lot I pull out “The Secret Life of Bees.”
of seating, which I don’t know I read the back.
why because there aren’t that
many people in here at once. Boring.
There is a T.V. on one wall We aren’t aloud to take books out of this
I make my way to it. I sit. room because they will never come back.
The couch is comfortable
just about the only thing I put it back.
here that is.
Some girls are playing a board game. I don’t
To my right there are two girls want to join. I don’t want to make friends.
holding hands. Awkward. I
move to the chair. Not as There is a girl crying, but no one pays
comfortable. But safe. attention, no one usually does.
I look up at the television. A lot goes on here. I don’t know why.
Bad idea. Mom’s favorite Maybe because it is almost time for meds.
movie is playing “Hope Floats.”
I don’t like it anymore. I turn Everyone is anxious.
the channel. Nothing else is on.

18. Most of the free time The interruption of
is cut short because sleep last night beings to take affect.
of some idiot acting up. I start feeling drowsy. I hear something.
When this happens I Strange. Weird.
sometimes write letters
to grandma. No one is talking to me. There it is again.
Am I imaging this? Please no. There it is
Letters of confession. again.
Letters of apology. I
never send them to her. Muffled. Quiet.
Gram sends me letters. I can’t understand. Wait. There it is again.
They usually say the I recognize the voice. No! I walk out of the
same thing. room and to the nurse’s station. I want my
meds. The voice gets louder, but is still
She asks how I am muffled.
doing. If I feel any
better. Then she tell me I ask the nurse for my meds. She hands me
about her day. two small paper cups. One has water the
other has a green pill and a blue pill.
At the end she tells me
that she loves me and Anxiety and Sleep.
she will visit. But she
never does. I hope she
misses me.

19. I walk
into my room and fall into bed.
I cover my head with a pillow.
I hum a tune to drown out the voice.
I begin to feel relaxed.
22 more days.
I roll over and stare at the crack.
I hope that tonight is the night.
Sleep. Dream.