1. Dating At 35 and Older
The laughs, the good times and the life lessons
Why you are single at 35
The Norman Rockwell picture of a person’s middle aged years includes something
that looks very non-descript. A man sitting in an armchair, his pipe in his mouth,
little ones lounging about and a little lady cooking in a pert outfit over a hot oven.
They smile, they laugh and then take another sip of their scotch. We know today
that dating can be a daunting task regardless of the age that you are. We have
something today that they did not have in the 1950s. We have the Internet, the
burying grounds of the single man and woman. Here the old, young, the divorced
and tireless converge to meet their soulmates and booty calls.
Regardless of your age, you have seen the commercials, and perhaps some of you
have tried the large dating sites. Its hard to navigate through the sign up process,
take a picture of yourself,that you like and think of interesting pick up lines from
2. the comfort of your snuggie. Most people work on cropping their pictures so that
the look taller, skinner, fatter and thinner. Maybe you have even been accused of
using a picture from 1992, instead of 2012. It’s daunting and challenging meeting
online, and in some cases the first date is the second first date. The first first date is
actually the one on that you entered in on the net.
Most unmarried women in their mid-thirties are single because they are divorced,
never married career types or simply have never found the one. The last category is
not the norm, the majority of people are single at 35 because they have either been
divorced, single for some time, and are widowed.
Even though divorce is extremely common in the twenty-first century, it still
carries several stigma’s. Women are acutely aware of the fact that they are not 20
anymore. In fact, the show Sex and the City came out when these now 35 year olds
were only 20, so the nomenclature is outdated. Who can they turn to? Perhaps, this
eBook will help them navigate their future.
But there are standards that still apply. For instance, most women in their thirties
still know that they are thirty. They feel that they cannot compete with their
younger counterparts, they still have insecurities. Of course, there are still those
3. that feel that being single so far was the best possible choice they could have ever
made. Being single, was lifestyle choice for many, who decided that living alone
was the most fun, simplest and most rewarding way to live.
The statistics of women who are single far outweigh any research that we have on
the men. Most studies indicate single men were the happiest on the planet and the
largest group of singles. Single men are vastly underrepresented on the internet
because women are going to speak up about their issues. The men who are single
at 35 are most likely divorced, widowed or never married.
The modern culture has shifted, in recent years most couples do not commit to
each other until they are in their thirties. This is also the most common age to have
children and bank in on retirement. Men 35 and older have certain advantages over
younger men because they are more mature. Many singles assert that they like
living alone, they enjoy the solitary lifestyle.
Top Ten Reasons People Like Being Single
•They do not have to worry about cooking for another person
•They can sleep as long as they want
•They have longer lifespans,statistically
4. •Singles also gain less weight, then their married counterparts.
However, singles at 35 still want to have someone to cuddle with at night, and the
modern way to find someone without having to hang out at a college bar is the
internet. The internet is the battle ground for all scrabbling singles.
Writing the winning profile
When writing a winning profile, it is important to be honest. Too many people
inflate who they are expecting to attract the most attentive, model like mate. It
doesn't happen, a lie breeds a lie. The first step when filling out the online dating
information is to fill out the demographic questions. This means that you need to
honestly fill out your age, sex, and location. Again, honesty is key in this situation,
and requires you placing your best foot forward. The next question is “what is your
handle?”, this means what are you going to go by in your quest to find the perfect
mate.
A handle is the name that you go by for the entire time you stick with a site. Dating
sites cannot be used by two different members so make sure that you pick a handle
5. you can live with. Many online dating companies are not going to require you to
use your first name, one of them, Yahoo Personals. Your handle should market
you, make it fun, and make it real. Your handle will become your name in the
community, and you should become familiar with it.
People will see your tag line after they look at your handle. The tag line, is a single
sentence that introduces you to other readers. The tag line is found at the top of the
profile. The younger dating sites, also only require a tag line and nothing else. This
will ensure that everything is created as it should be. Again you have a handle and
a tag line each one ensuring that you will be able to advocate to others what the
best options are for your site.
This Sex and the City quote might work nicely for you. Just edit it down to one
line:
“Maybe mistakes are what make our fate… without them what would shape our
lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we would not have babies, or be
who we are. After, all things change, so do cities, people come into your life and
they go. But it’s comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your
heart...and if you’re very lucky, a plane ride away.” Sex and the City
6. After a tag line you are going to see the next step which is picking the qualities
you are looking for in the perfect mate. This will include defining what you are
looking for in height, personality, quality of life and finances. There are many
different dating sites and each one has a category for certain qualities. Remember,
to think it through and understand who you are looking for do not resort to generic
terms when trying to figure out who you want to meet. The dating site that you
choose will be geared toward different things. eHarmony is geared toward long
term relationships, so the questions will be more thought provoking.
The next section describes who you are. Think about these terms deeply, you may
be divorced so simply say it. When you are honest, you will eliminate a ton of
people who you do not want to associate with.
The best “About me” section will highlight the five things you love about yourself,
what you want out of a relationship and who you feel that you are at this moment.
You can make it an essay or a simple format.
ONLINE DATING SITES
There are many online dating sites that have cropped up since 1997. The latest is
OkCupid, this site uses a series of tests to demonstrate unique findings. It is free
7. and allows members to create questions and contact others on the site. It does not
matter how you are matched on the site, you can still contact the other persons.
eHarmony, uses twenty nine personality traits to tabulate your best match. They
will only allow matched users to contact one another. Also, the process to match up
can take some time as the system processes who is the best match for you.
eHarmony offers a free review for new customers, but you cannot access the
system until you sign up.
Lavalife, offers the ability to join using different dating profiles. This means you
can make numerous profiles for yourself, with different attributes. It works great if
you are suffering from multiple personality disorder. The services available to
paying users even includes a video chat option. The site has a huge following in
Canada. It is the largest dating site of its kind and offers a unique selection of
interface regardless of your age or stage. The only issue that the site boasts is the
extreme amount of nineteen year olds as you sigh up for the site.
Plenty of fish is another site that offers you free dating. It is one of the larger free
online dating sites. The site uses forums, compatibility questionnaires, and the
popular “Who’s Seen Me” button. The site has allowed millions of people to meet
up globally and its popularity is not diminishing anytime soon.
8. Match.com, has the largest hits in the world. There are more users in the local area
that use this site than any other.s It also helps over 250,000 people per year find
their perfect match. This site offers the single 35 year old flexibility and a proven
track record.
Singlesnet offers one of the most trafficked dating sites on the internet. It is one of
the biggest dating sites on the Internet today. It has a ton of traffic as well and is a
great option.
Date Hookup is the another large dating site that offers free information. This
offers straightforward alternatives to other sites, and matches users on
compatibility issues.
You’ve Met Your Match, Now What
First, congratulations are in order, and now comes the harrowing part of the ordeal.
The first date, where to go and what to wear. Remember, this is not your first time
around the block.
You talk to people daily and meeting a new person off of a dating website is no
different. They are people and they too are contemplating all of the things that
9. could go wrong here as well. They have insecurities, doubts, worries and more. So,
first you should pat yourself on the back.
A potential match made in heaven, right? Hopefully for you, but remember it may
take numerous attempts before your find the right person. What looks good on
paper does not always look good in real life. You may have been honest, but the
other person could have lied about everything. Steven Sudbury, may not be 6ft 4in
with pearly white teeth and a six pack instead he may be balding, pasty and over
340 pounds. Other people may lie but at least you will learn about that quickly.
When dressing up to go out, do not try to look over the top. Try to assess your best
qualities and above all make sure your breath smells fresh. There is nothing worse
than meeting someone for the first time with foul smelling odors emitting from
your mouth. Also, take any protection with you in case, you never know what may
come of that wonderful first date. Protection means mace or condoms, it could be
wonderful or it could be nightmare. Either way, if you take these two items with
you at least you will have afforded yourself some protection.
Once you both meet up try to relax. There is nothing worse than talking about the
weather for six hours, the conversation will quickly die out. Instead, think about an
interesting news topic or if there was a natural disaster in the area that affected
your locale, see if the other person was affected as well. It should not be too hard
10. to come up with a conversation. If you present your date with an open smile, and
inviting amount of eye contact the conversation should be a breeze.
It can be extremely stressful to enter into a “blind” date type instance. Some people
have met people they thought they could spend the rest of their lives with only to
end up strangled with a telephone cord in a bathroom. Don’t worry, she survived to
tell us about it, that’s why we are telling you.
Some red flags to look for in the conversation include: I have been married three
times, they said I was abusive, I have anger issues, I don’t work at all, I am on
disability not for a physical handicap and I would love to take you home but I live
with my mom and grammy. Remember, red flags do not pursue these interests or
you could end up in a strange situation.
Conversation needs to flow naturally in any new dating instance, so try to make
sure that you are working with a plethora of active listening skills as well as an
arsenal of thoughts. Men are often accused of having poor listening skills,
especially when it comes to dating. Women are just as guilty and body language is
a tell tale sign. Men understand and know inherently when you are interested. A
woman tends to answer in single words when they are feigning interest. The eye
contact will lessen, the body will become either rigid or restless and she may stop
talking altogether. Both parties should not pretend to be interested, but at least
make an effort to understand each other on the first date.
11. Men think that they might have heard everything considering their advanced age of
35 and older. So, in some cases during the first date they too may feel that the
conversation is the same old “blah, blah, blah.” But men and women alike should
listen to each other. This means make an effort to see what you both have to say
and go with it. If he is talking about something that you are not interested in, learn
from it and understand his likes. If you actively listen you can learn a lot about the
new special someone sitting directly across from you. In the event of a boredom
meltdown, interject with a new subject.
Women tend to stress out on the first date, especially when it comes to ordering the
meal. Most women, will order a salad. It could be a four star restaurant, and they
will order the chef’s salad. Women of all ages worry that the new man in their life
will think that they eat too much. Also, women worry about spilling sauce on
themselves, or the idea that the man will think that they are unhealthy based on
their true choice of f of the menu. The new date is a new start for you, put aside
body image issues, order what you want and speak openly. This will ensure that
you are enjoying yourself tonight.
12. Women and men like to keep some mystery to their being when they are being
caught up in the needs of the opposite sex. Mystery might make you more
appealing, it certainly will heighten the fatal attraction factor. Remember, speak
naturally, but omit life crises until the second date.
People over 35 are still normal, they are still nice and this is totally contrary to
what society says about most people who are over 35 and still single. Do not be
afraid to meet the other person who is your age because they have life experiences
to bring to the table and they are not always going to be Hannibal Lector.
There are roadblocks that many men can place in a conversation and not know it.
He may look out of shape, balding and more but he insists that he only used to date
models. He thinks that when you know this you might suddenly blush because you
assume he means you look like one. He might care or he really might just be that
shallow kind of guy that is saying you are not his type. When he talks to his friends
he doesn’t want to mention that he is going out with a 35 year old, instead he
would rather spend his time with an adoring 19 year old, who has no idea how
creepy he can be.
13. Women and men have preferences that they can check off on the online dating
sites, but that doesn’t mean that the logical guy, model dating guy, guy who lives
his glory days daily guy, or the child man will not slip through the cracks.
Common First Date Personalities
1.Logic man, will tell you calmly he doesn’t want to be single anymore. He will
come right out and say you are his one and only chance to get anywhere. He will
plan a future, tell you his fantasies and will not waste a single minute of the
conversation. The first thing you should do is excuse yourself and go to the
bathroom. Take a look in the mirror and see if in fact you are going to be able to
deal with Mr. I-know-everything, because he will want what he wants and want it
now. Plus, he may not even really care about who is with as long as he is with
someone.
2.Guy-who-lives -like-he’s- still-hot and 20. He looks in the mirror and still sees
that American pie guy, with the nice skin, body and resilient features. He does
not see that he is fatter now, balding, sun damaged, and more. He will astound
his prey with his godly gifts and then try to get to know you.
3.Man boy, he is still a kid and will have a lot of excuses for you. “My parents live
with me, I do not live with them.” He might also say other things that can sound
reasonable, but ask yourself do you want to take the chance that he may be the
14. wrong choice. Imagine a road of beer swilling, drunkenness, entitlement and
there you have it. Always a player
4.Cougar who only dates frat boys, she is interested in only one thing, sex. She
needs to have the admiration of a younger man to make her feel like a hot
woman. Older men turn her off, and she is just going on the date to flirt with the
waiter. She is definitely not a keeper, consider yourself lucky that she was honest
and move on. Harmony will have a lot more matches for you.
5.The I’m Stronger Than A Man Woman. She cracks nuts with her bare knuckles
and wants to arm wrestle on the first date. This one is only a keeper if you need
a farm hand.
6.The Perpetual Victim. She has poured out her whole sob story to you in less than
five minutes. It includes the time when her parents bought her a Cabbage Patch
doll instead of a pony. Ever since childhood people have been wounding her, and
she looks at you as if you might be the one to end it all. Good luck, if you want
to nurse a wounded deer forever.
How to Dress For A First Date
•Dress for the occasion if you are going to a steakhouse, wear weekend dress
casual.
15. •Unless you are on Sex and the City, don’t wear a peacock feather dress.
•No low cut, strapless or spaghetti strap dresses. You are trying to understand an
dnot lure.
•Too much makeup will make you look like a glass doll.
•Dress in something that you will feel comfortable in.
(www.marieclaire.com)
7.
First Hand Account of First Online Date
A woman met a man, they went out for a drive as their first date. She drove with
him to Annapolis, VA and back to her home. The first date went well, they spoke,
16. he talked about his origins in West Virginia and about how desperately pretty she
was. He told her all of the things she wanted hear. On top of that he was in the air
force, and picked her up on uniform on their first date. He had all of the bells and
whistles, the first thing hat put here off was he told her he had anger issues. She
thought okay, maybe he isn’t that great, and sipped her Bloody Mary quickly. She
made it home alright, but he was so mad that she made an uncertain comment
about a second date that he left her on a bridge on the highway. Beware of men
who say they have anger issues. You too could end up hoofing it home, if you
decide not to go on a second date.
Real life scene number two: A 35 year old divorced mother meets her new date on
eHarmony, they even text each other funny quips. When he shows up to her house
to take her to the local steakhouse for a date she looks at his clothes. He is wearing
a dungeons and dragons t-shirt with holes in the armpits and shorts that are far too
tight for his big body. He smiles like he may have something for her and offers her
an dandelion that he picked up outside and accidentally squashed in his too tight
pocket. These are all red flags, but she goes wiht him anyway. They arrive at the
steakhouse, she talks about the weather, about the scenery and he acts interested.
Soon, he inserts his comments and the conversation moves toward how he lives
everywhere. He has a trailer that he shares with his brother, but he is sleeping at his
grandfathers right now. He works occasionally for a roofing company, did not have
17. sex until he was 29 and wanted to be a virgin for his first. She smiles, acts
interested and slowly moves through the date. He asks her how she feels about
virginity. She smiles, and says it’s great. Feigned interest might save her life!
After he consumes his salad, main course and dessert he looks at her expecting her
to pay half of the meal. She does, he takes her home and just as they pull in the
driveway he tells her he had a great time. He puts on Adam Sandler’s greatest hits,
and laughs with her about the “big balls” skit. It’s not prince charming, she
realized she went out on a date with Captain Hook’s little shipmate Smee.
Yes, there can be a rainbow at the end of the long tunnel. The above stories are
true, the names have been omitted to protect the innocent. If you have had a
horrible experience with online dating think of the statistics. Eventually, eHarmony
will find your perfect match and the two of you will live happily ever after. Or at
least semi-happy with a smattering of pleasure here and there. That is unless, you
decide to marry Smee.
Single Women and Men have many things in common when they reach the 35 and
up age range. Most women who are 35 and up are educated, funny, interesting,
18. financially independent, are in good health and have a great support circle. This
also applies to most men who are single in their mid-thirties.
Women turn to online dating because they see it as a surefire way to eliminate all
loathsome characters from their circle. It is the single largest paid content on the
Internet and is only second to pornography. The study conducted by the Online
Publishers Association found that Match.com was right, 1 out of 5 relationships do
start online anymore.OKCupid has over 44,596 people on their site at any one
time. The other site Plenty of Fish has 135 million monthly subscribers. The
statistics are in, and online dating is the mode of interaction.
Millions of single mea and women are knocking on each others doors and want an
answer. Women are putting themselves out there and men as well. Being online
and beginning a relationship is not the most rewarding process. Posting
information about yourself on a dating website can be hard to do. Most of the
women who do this have to monitor their dating site for weeks. It takes a lot of
effort in order get the word out , this can prove to be deeply dissatisfying for the
men and women who are putting a lot into their profile.
For many women at 35 years old, it is hard to sell yourself online. It can be
emotionally devastating. Many women find the hard work, the money spent and
the daily monitoring to hard.
19. There are several reasons for the negative feelings around online dating. First of
all, many women are not assured that what you see is what you get. That is because
of the lies that people put on their site. Again, remember to always be honest with
yourself and others. Starting even an online dating adventure based on a lie is
never going to last. In many cases women are finding the men they email on the
dating site are married, dating someone and have a family. This is definitely a blow
to a woman’s self esteem. Be prepared for liars, they are out there but they should
not stop you from pursuing what you need to.
The most common issue that many women 35 and older are having with a dating
site is that the men are checking boxes stating that they want younger women. The
box, known as the infamous “interested in” box, is almost always checked for
women twenty years younger.
A recent story of a 36 year old woman who went on some dates with a 39 year old
man were okay to her. She felt like they did not have the right chemistry and so
they dating stopped. Well, a week later she saw that he had gone back and checked
off the 20-30 bracket instead of the 30-40. This was a crush to her ego, because she
felt that the dates were okay they just were not the most exciting or chemistry
filled. You must have some powerful ego strength to continue to endure these
humiliating encounters.
20. Another self esteem issue for many women is that they know that they are a great
person, that they work well with others and have a loving relationship. But the
thing that gets them is that after weeks, not a single person has “winked” at them.
Younger ages bring active social lives. Most women are going out to concerts,
dancing, and more. Most women who hit 35 decided to dedicate themselves to
their profession. This of course leaves most women less time to socialize. Also by
this time many people find themselves alone because their circle of friends have
dwindled.
If you choose to date online, which most people are doing now then understand
that you are going to have some complications.
There are a few bloggers out there that have approached the subject. This particular
blogger received a very strange email on her online dating site.
"Subject: just kiss me and get it over with!
Message: Hey
Just finished reading your new bio and noticed that you look like an interesting
pain in the butt. :)Gotta love a girl who knows NPR, can share an espresso and
have an edge at the same time (That’s as long as you are that cute woman from
the photo, and not some 900 pound woman who stole her cute friend photo to
attract a gorgeous “boy” just like me) :)anywayssss, I’m sure that there’s a lot
more to you than what you put in your profile, and definitely it would be
interesting to discover the rest and also to see how you behave in public and if
you can be nice to the stuff (waiter/waitresses) if we ever to meet. Hopefully you
are not a typical New Yorker which will be very refreshing on Jdate (and I’m sure
you know what I am talking about with all those corny Emails and generic
21. personalities) so if you are emotionally available and you are NOT taking any
prescription drugs these days, and you ready to stop browsing and start spending
time with someone real write back and say hi (But please do not use hi, as you
can see it’s already taken) Looking forward to do some brainstorming.
Don’t be shy
Sal"
Another email came to the blogger like this:
Subject: This weekend
Hi there in NYC,
Greetings from Chicago. No, I’m not obsessing from a distance or looking forward
to a big move to your fair city.
I am, however, visiting NY on business this weekend. Which will keep me busy for
the vast majority of my time, but I do not have anything planned from Sunday
night until my Monday night flight back to the safe confines of the Midwest.
And yes, dear reader, that is where you become part of my not so nefarious plans.
I know next to nobody in the city, and the city herself and I have only had the
most fleeting of engagements. So, I thought, were you not busy and were you so
inclined, that we could hang out, doing something fun, have a memorable
discussion, eat a wonderful meal and so on and so forth. No, as attractive as you
are, I am not setting a crash course to get into your pants. Although I am never
opposed to making out, should the mood strike. But that, at least on paper, is as
dangerous as I get.
So, yeah, it is a bit of a crazy proposition. But I am really interesting, I promise.
And nice, and funny, and laidback. You just might like me.
And there is nothing wrong with that.
Best,
Blair"
Submitted by an I Liked Your Profile reader, claiming that Elliot wrote to her
"twice, in one day", anxiously awaiting a response:
Email #1:
23. There are never any easy answers, but everything in life is about moderation and
common sense. If you choose to date online, you should understand that you may
have to develop a thicker skin.
It is certainly amusing that one woman took control of her situation and started an
online dating site, CougarLife. This site is for "successful, self-confident and
mature women in their prime," 35-65 who are looking to date "younger, confident
and hot men."
