Coparenting Strategies-two types of coparenting: Cooperative and Conflictual

Strategies to Manage Conflictual Coparents
Parents in conflict cannot coparent in the traditional sense.
Professionals insist they learn to get along, but often there is at
least one parent who is may have difficulty getting along with
other people and they use the breakup to attack the other
parent and to stay engaged in a relationship through conflict.
There are two types of Coparents-Cooperative
Coparents and Conflictual Coparents. Parents in
conflict are usually Conflictual Coparents

The next few slides will teach you the
differences between these two types of
coparents.
©Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009

Cooperative vs. Conflictual Coparenting
The mindset of the
courts is that all parents
need to coparent for the
sake of the children.
Counselors recommend
it, judges order it, family
members and friends tell
you that you need to
learn to work together.
© Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009

Cooperative vs. Conflictual Coparenting
We all know that
we must learn to
work together for
the children, but
what if you can’t.
What do you
do?
We will be discussing cooperative coparenting and
conflictual coparenting in this slideshow.
© Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009

Dr. Deena’s Cooperative Coparenting Definition
(It is the mindset of both parents)
1. Both parents believe that the other parent has the
best interests of the children at heart.
2. Both parents believe that the
other parent is valuable,
worthwhile and important in the
children’s life. Both parents
believe that the children need to
have a relationship with both
parents, and they will actively
support that relationship.
© Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009.

3. Although the parents may
have disagreements with
each other about the issues
that need to be resolved,
they will both work together,
(even if it is difficult) in order
to reach some kind of
parenting decision. Even if it
is parenting by default.

4. Once the parents have made the parenting decision,
they will actively support the decision and each other in
that decision.
5. Both parents will
do whatever it
takes to support
the other parent’s
relationship with
the children.

Ideal Cooperative Coparenting Action Steps
Ideal coparenting means that both parents are willing
and able to agree with each other about general child
sharing issues which occur when raising children.

It means that the
both parents believe
that the other parent
is important in the
children’s life.


Ideal coparenting means
that both parents work
together to resolve issues
related to medication and
medical and psychological
needs of the child.
Ideally, the parents create a
plan of action together to
determine whether the child
will take medications, if
meds are an issue.

Ideal coparenting means that both parents agree to
place the child in extracurricular activities during
both parent’s time. Both parents believe that these
activities develop their child’s physical and social
competence.


Ideal Cooperative Coparenting Actions Steps
Ideally, if issues come up, coparents work together, as
much as possible to agree on schooling, bedtime,
homework, medication, clothing issues and activities...


Ideal Cooperative Coparenting Actions Steps
For example, ideally parents would talk freely about a
child’s homework or school issues. They would meet
with the teacher to figure out what they were going to
do to help the child with academics, or behavioral
issues.


What If Cooperative Coparenting Doesn’t Work?

Approximately 25% – 35% of the parents
involved in child custody cases cannot
cooperatively coparent.
These cases are identified as high conflict
cases.


Defining A High Conflict Case

We have found that high conflict occurs
when one or both of the parents involved
in the conflict cannot or will not
let go of their marital battle or
marital relationship.
Frequent intervention by the court is necessary
because the family’s adjustment is constantly being
disrupted.

High Conflict Love
In high conflict, we have
a saying:
Love is like a butterfly . . .

If you love something, let
it go, and if it doesn’t
come back. . .

Hunt it down and kill it!. . .

Dr. Deena’s Conflictual Coparenting Definition
(It is a different mindset of one or both parents)
One or both parents believe that:
1.The other parent does not have the best interests of
the children at heart (as their primary focus).
2.The other parent has
fundamental character flaws,
parental deficiencies, a
personality disorder, or
substance abuse issues that
interferes with their parenting
ability.

Deena’s Conflictual Coparenting Definition
(It is the mindset of one or both parents)
One or both parents believe that:
3. The other parent is detrimental to the children. One
or both believe that the other parent should not have an
active, supportive relationship with the children because
it will damage them.


4. They need the assistance of the court professionals
to help them make child sharing decisions.
But once the recommendations
or orders have been made, one
or both of the parents may
actively sabotage the court order
and badmouth the professionals
who worked on the child sharing
plans.

5. One or both parents
continues to undermine the
other parent’s relationship
with the children, believing
that they have to protect the
children from that parent, by
taking away time or getting
the courts to determine the
other parent is unfit.

Identifying a High Conflict Case

• Frequent court litigation;
• Physical violence, intimidation or stalking between the
parents or children, or one or both parents allege abuse
of some kind;
• Chronic co-parenting difficulties, (even over minor issues);


• One/both parents seem unable to protect the children from
the conflict;
• One/both parents encourage the children to take sides;
• One/both parents seem unable to separate the children’s
needs from their own issues of hurt and anger;


• One/both parents refuse to share the children with the
other parent;
• One/both parents seem unable to move away from the
conflict;
• One/both parents cannot build a new life away from the
other parent;


• One/both parents may have been represented by several
attorneys;
• One/both parents have earned a negative reputation with
the court for being very difficult.


Two Ways To End The Conflict
Parents need to learn how to:
1. Disconnect from the other parent

Characters drawn by Dr. Suess

2. Learn to connect “with” their children. If you are still
connected to or upset by the other parent, then it is light’s
on, no one is home for the children.

High Conflict Intervention and Coparenting
Program

Hi, I’m Dr. Deena Stacer. I teach the
High Conflict Intervention and
Coparenting Program in San Diego.
I’ve been teaching this as a live program in
San Diego since 1997. And now, I have
translated this class online for you to
participate without leaving your home.

I was in a high conflict breakup myself (for seven
years) and have three grown children who were
part of my custody fight.

My Credentials
I have teaching credentials
ranging from Kindergarten
through College. I have a
Bachelors of Science in
Child Development, a
Masters in Counseling and
Leadership and a Ph.D. in
Psychology.
I have worked with over 5000 high conflict parents and
many of their children. I have mediated over 850
divorces. I mostly mediate highly conflictual cases now.

The High Conflict Intervention Program
Because of my experiences, I’ve learned a lot of great
strategies to help parents get out of conflict.
I teach parents how to
navigate through the court
system, how to disengage
from the fight with the other
parent and how to protect the
children from permanent
emotional damage that often
occurs from chronic conflict.
To learn how to end conflict with the other parent, go to
www.ParentsInConflict.com/courses.

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