Building Blocks To A Strong Marriage

CONTENTS
What Some People
Are Saying . . . . . . . . . . . 2
It All Began
With God . . . . . . . . . . . 4 BUILDING BLOCKS
Ten Biblical TO A STRONG
Building Blocks. . . . . . . . 6
1. Lifelong
MARRIAGE
Commitment . . . . . . . 7

S
2. Shared Identity . . . . . . 8 ociety offers few answers
3. Absolute to reverse the trends of
Faithfulness . . . . . . . 10 marital unhappiness. But
4.Well-Defined there are answers—in the most
Roles . . . . . . . . . . . . 11 published book in history. With
5. Unreserved Love. . . . 14 that confidence, RBC staff writer
6. Mutual Submission . . 17 David Egner has written this
7. Sexual Fulfillment . . . 18 booklet to summarize what the
8. Open Bible says about marriage.
Communication . . . . 21 It is our prayer that through
9.Tender Respect . . . . . 23 the answers found in these
10. Spiritual pages, the love of many will
Companionship . . . . 25 be renewed and sustained.
Five Facts Martin R. De Haan II
About Marriage . . . . . . 27
Checklists For
Husbands And Wives . . 30
Taking The First Step . . 32

Managing Editor: David Sper Cover Photo: Jon Feingersh/Corbis Stock Market
Scripture quotations are from the New King James Version, ©1979, 1980, 1982, Thomas
Nelson, Inc., Publishers
Copyright ©1986, 2001 RBC Ministries, Grand Rapids, Michigan Printed in USA

© RBC Ministries. All rights reserved.

WHAT SOME doesn’t mean what it used
PEOPLE ARE to. A lot of people aren’t
even bothering with a
SAYING ceremony anymore. You try
it; and if it doesn’t work,
you leave it. It’s nothing to

W
hen the get moralistic about.”
honeymoon is
over, many • “Look at how high
husbands and wives find the divorce rate is.
themselves thinking and Everybody’s getting a
saying words they never divorce—even prominent
expected to say. For church leaders. So why
example: should I suffer through a
bad marriage? There’s no
• “I’m getting out. This isn’t need for me to be the
the person I thought I exception.”
was marrying. Life is too
short for all of this pain. “Marriage isn’t
We’re no longer good for
one another.” so much finding
the right person
• “We’ve tried everything. as being the
Nothing seems to work.
He just insists on having right person.”
everything his own way. —Charlie Shedd
It’s hopeless. The only
thing to do is bail out.” • “Our marriage needs a
little excitement. We’re
• “This is the third too used to each other.
millennium. Marriage Maybe if I have an affair,
2

it will put the spice back Divorce. Extramarital
into our marriage.” affairs. Counselors. Alcohol.
Drugs. Resignation. These
• “We’ve been going from are just some of the ways
counselor to counselor. people are trying to deal
I don’t know how much with troubled marriages.
money we’ve spent. We But most of the time, efforts
even went to a preacher. to kill the pain make a bad
Somebody must have the situation worse.
right formula for us. I
guess we’ll just have to “God’s the One
keep searching.”
who can make you
• “I know our marriage will into the right kind
eventually work. Once of husband or
I’ve had a few drinks,
I can tolerate just about wife—the kind that
anything. It will help me pleases Him.”
make it until things get
better.” There is another way—a
better way. Even if you are
• “I guess I’m destined ready to call a lawyer. Even
to a life of unhappiness. if reconciliation seems
There’s nothing I can do hopeless. You can go to
about my marriage. Someone who understands
Maybe when the children your heart and your
all leave home I’ll have trouble. He made marriage
the courage to get out. in the first place. He alone
Until then, I’ll just have can offer you the inner
to pretend everything’s strength you need so that
okay.” you can take the first step.
3

IT ALL BEGAN Then the rib which the
WITH GOD Lord God had taken
from man He made into
a woman, and He

M
arriage was made brought her to the man
in heaven. It all (Gen. 2:18,21-22).
began in Paradise. Eve was made to
God saw that man’s be Adam’s “helper
aloneness was not good, comparable.” She is
so He made him a “helper described with the English
comparable to him.” And word helper, which doesn’t
when God brought the express all that is poured
woman to him, the first into the Hebrew term.
marital relationship began. Sometimes it refers to
Adam and Eve shared the someone who helps another
wonderful garden paradise find fulfillment. In one
God had created for them instance, it was used to tell
as husband and wife. Here of someone who came to
is how the Bible says it all the rescue of another.
began:
The Lord God said, “It
is not good that man
“The woman was
should be alone; I will brought to the man
make him a helper to fulfill him—to
comparable to him.”
. . . And the Lord God
rescue him from
caused a deep sleep to his aloneness.”
fall on Adam, and he
slept; and He took one On another occasion it was
of his ribs, and closed up used of God Himself. It’s
the flesh in its place. an expression of honor
4

showing that Eve was The Genesis account of the
brought to the man to beginning of marriage
complete him and to rescue concludes with a statement
him from his aloneness. that expresses four elements
that should be part of every
marriage (see Gen. 2:24-
“The Lord God 25). They are as follows:
said, ‘It is not good • A Cutting Off.
“Therefore a man shall
that man should leave his father and
be alone; I will mother.” The marital
partners leave their
make him a parents.
helper comparable • A Bonding. “And be
joined to his wife.” The
to him.’ ” picture of the first marriage
–Genesis 2:18 includes the idea of a
gluing, a permanent
As a comparable helper, bonding.
Eve was Adam’s qualified, • A Unity. “And they
corresponding partner. God shall become one flesh.”
made her to be a suitable The two are to see
friend and companion to themselves as one. The old
family units are broken; a
the man. She was, as new one begins.
Charles Swindoll described • An Intimacy. “And
it, the “missing piece in the they were both naked . . .
puzzle of his life.” and were not ashamed.”
In that first relationship, Their absence of self-
our Creator gave us a consciousness enabled
realistic pattern that set them to enjoy one another
a course for both the and to meet each other’s
needs without any sense of
challenges and essentials
embarrassment or rejection.
of a healthy marriage.
5

TEN BIBLICAL 10
BUILDING
BLOCKS 8 9

5 6 7

W
hen God made
marriage, He
formed a lifelong 1 2 3 4
relationship that was to find
its strength and endurance remember that they are not
in Him. Over time, He man-made. They are given
used the wisdom of His to us by God Himself.
Word to teach husbands Because they are, you can
and wives how to be know with certainty that
friends to their mates. In when you and your mate
the process, He gave all of follow them, you will have
us an understanding of the a marriage that is strong.
essential building blocks to But perhaps your marital
a strong marriage. They are: partner is at a different
1. Lifelong Commitment place than you are
2. Shared Identity spiritually or refuses to
3. Absolute Faithfulness accept the authority of the
4. Well-Defined Roles Bible. If your partner is
5. Unreserved Love willing to remain with you,
6. Mutual Submission this is your opportunity to
7. Sexual Fulfillment show your mate the kind of
8. Open Communication husband or wife God can
9. Tender Respect help you to be (1 Cor. 7:12-
10. Spiritual Companionship 16). So don’t put the
As we think through booklet down. We sincerely
these 10 building blocks, believe it will help.
6

BUILDING BLOCK 1: So then, they are no
Lifelong Commitment longer two but one flesh.
Therefore what God
has joined together, let
not man separate
(Mt. 19:4-6).
Then, in response to a
question about divorce,
Jesus continued:
1 Moses, because of the
hardness of your hearts,
The first biblical building permitted you to divorce
block for a strong marriage your wives, but from the
is for the man and woman beginning it was not so.
to make a lifelong And I say to you, whoever
commitment. The Scriptures divorces his wife, except
make it clear that God’s for sexual immorality,
ideal for marriage is one and marries another,
man and one woman for a commits adultery; and
lifetime. With this kind of whoever marries her who
commitment in view, the is divorced commits
Lord Jesus said: adultery (vv.8-9).
Have you not read that Except for the serious
He who made them at the exception of marital
beginning made them unfaithfulness, the
male and female, and marriage vow is a lifelong
said, “For this reason a commitment—a vow to God
man shall leave his father and to each other that is
and mother and be joined not to be broken (see Eccl.
to his wife, and the two 5:4-5). Marriage is for life.
shall become one flesh?” Consider the following
7

true story: A man and BUILDING BLOCK 2:
woman had been married Shared Identity
only a year when she was
diagnosed as a victim of
multiple sclerosis. After
thinking seriously about it,
she told her husband she
was “setting him free.” But
he did not leave her. The
tender care and love he 1 2
showered on her made her
remaining years happy and The second building block
special. Why did he do it? for a strong marriage is for
“Because,” he said, “when I husband and wife to see
themselves as one. No
“The marriage vow longer is it a man living his
life for himself and a woman
is the expression living hers for herself. There
of a lifelong is now a new union, a new
commitment.‘From family, a new unit. Adam
expressed this shared
this day forward’ identity when God brought
extends throughout him the woman. He said:
one’s lifetime.” This is now bone of my
bones and flesh of my flesh;
vowed before God ‘for she shall be called Woman,
better or for worse’ and ‘in because she was taken out
sickness and in health,’ I of Man (Gen. 2:23).
meant it. And God made The next verse concludes
both of us unbelievably with the words, ”they shall
happy as a result.” become one flesh” (v.24).
8

But it’s not always easy In marriage, a man and
to live out that oneness in woman are brought into
everyday life. This is union. They become one,
because the husband and blending into each other’s
wife have different habits, lives. It’s once-for-all, yet it’s
different backgrounds, a process. Time, love,
different parents, different patience, and forgiveness
education, different are needed to bring the
personalities, and different shared identity of marriage
emotional scars. into maturity. And it has
wonderful results. The man
“The foundation and woman are no longer
of [oneness] is a alone. They are one, even
at a time when:
mutual commitment • he’s in a motel room a
to minister to one thousand miles away.
another’s personal • she’s in the pains of
childbirth.
needs.” • he has just lost his job.
—Lawrence Crabb, Jr. • she has discovered a
Besides, Eve was not a mysterious lump.
clone of Adam. She was • he has received a good
unique, as every human promotion.
being is unique. She did not • she has been offered
come off some assembly a new job.
line. She was different, both The two are one.
physically and emotionally. Although they are distinct
She had different needs— persons with vast differences,
needs Adam alone could they have agreed to walk the
satisfy. And she alone could path of life as one. They have
satisfy Adam’s needs. a shared identity.
9

BUILDING BLOCK 3: whoever touches her
Absolute Faithfulness shall not be innocent
(6:27-29).
The Bible is
uncompromising in its
demand for sexual
faithfulness. Paul told Titus
to have the older women
instruct the younger women
1 2 3 in the church “to love their
husbands, to love their
Not only is marriage a children, to be discreet,
lifelong commitment of two chaste” (2:4-5). As a
people who have a shared woman enters a marriage
identity, it also calls for relationship, she is to be
total fidelity on the part of committed to giving herself
the husband and the wife. only to her husband.
They are to be true to each For our good and God’s
other. The Bible gives no honor, adultery is strictly
ground on this issue. The forbidden in the Bible. The
man is to be faithful to his seventh commandment
wife; she to him. given on Sinai was, “You
The writer of Proverbs shall not commit adultery”
cautioned: (Ex. 20:14). Jesus mentioned
Can a man take fire this commandment in His
to his bosom, and his conversation with the rich
clothes not be burned? young ruler (Mt. 19:18). And
Can one walk on hot Paul named adultery first in
coals, and his feet not be his list of the sins of the
seared? So is he who goes flesh (Gal. 5:19).
in to his neighbor’s wife; Marital faithfulness is
10

the fulfillment of the vow promise of loyalty.
made before God and man • We will not seek comfort
during the wedding from a competitor.
ceremony: “And to you I • We will let no one come
pledge my faithfulness.” between us.
One writer said: • We will realize we are
This is how we must love not our own.
one another, with a By today’s standards,
vowed love that is not absolute faithfulness “isn’t
dependent on happiness natural.” Of course not—
nor any of the external not in a fallen world. But
hallmarks of success. for our first parents in
Where is such love to Paradise, it was as natural
begin if it does not begin as could be. And today
with the one closest to it will be part of every
us, the life’s partner marriage that is strong and
whom we have chosen successful.
out of all the other
people in the world as BUILDING BLOCK 4:
the apple of our eye? Well-Defined Roles
(Mike Mason, The
Mystery Of Marriage,
p.106).
Here are some
implications of absolute
faithfulness—the third
biblical building block of
marriage: 1 2 3 4
• We will save our hearts
for each other. Today’s society has made
• We will keep our an all-out assault on
11

marriage. And one of its one of the most misquoted
attacks is on the traditional and misused principles in
roles within the family. The Scripture, it doesn’t need to
wife is being told that since be. Biblical leadership is
she has the same rights as not dictatorial or blindly
her husband, she doesn’t self-serving. Before God,
have to submit to anybody. this headship is:
Pressure is being put on the • to be provided in love
husband to take care of (Eph. 5:25; Col. 3:19).
himself and not to worry • to follow the example
about her. As a result, of Christ’s love for the
husbands and wives need church (Eph. 5:25).
direction. They need • to be done with
answers to basic questions understanding
about their specific roles. (1 Pet. 3:7).
Those answers are found • to be done without
in the Bible. And when they bitterness (Col. 3:19).
are expressed in love, they • to equal his love for his
reflect the wisdom of God. own body (Eph. 5:28).
The Husband’s Role. Marital headship does
The Bible says that the not mean that the husband
husband is the head of the is superior. The same verse
wife. Paul wrote: that says the man is head
I want you to know that of the woman also says that
the head of every . . . God is the head of Christ
woman is man, and the (1 Cor. 11:3). And we know
head of Christ is God They are equal in nature.
(1 Cor. 11:3). Both are fully God.
The husband is head of The husband’s headship
the wife (Eph. 5:23). is functional. It helps the
While this principle is marriage work. When
12

understood and expressed head (1 Cor. 11:3; Eph.
in the spirit of Christ, it 5:23). Adam was to use his
provides a servant role. physical strength and his
Headship carries with it spiritual responsibilities for
great responsibility. The the good of Eve; Eve was to
husband is to provide be ready to help Adam
loving, understanding, self- fulfill his God-given role
sacrificing, patient, God- and responsibilities (Gen.
honoring leadership. 2:18; 1 Cor. 11:8-9).
The Wife’s Role. The A woman who does not
woman is instructed in the find joy in helping a man
Bible to submit thoughtfully provide loving, thoughtful
and wisely to the leadership leadership in the home is
of her husband: doing so to her own harm.
Wives, submit to your Even though she might find
own husbands, as to the it difficult to accept even
Lord (Eph. 5:22; cp. good initiatives from her
Col. 3:18). husband, she needs to
Likewise you wives, be show that her ultimate
submissive to your own confidence and trust is in
husbands (1 Pet. 3:1). God Himself.
Admonish the young Marriage has its best
women . . . to be . . . opportunity when both
obedient to their husband and wife accept
own husbands (Ti. 2:4-5). their roles. It’s a functional
God made man and necessity—a necessity
woman to come together exemplified within the
in a fulfilling, satisfying Godhead itself. Consider
relationship. He made these words of Christ: “My
Adam first (1 Tim. 2:13), Father is greater than I”
and He made him to be (Jn. 14:28). Yet He also
13

said, “I and My Father are wife are to love each other
one” (Jn. 10:30). with the kind of unreserved
Jesus came to earth to love that leads them to
carry out in exact detail the honor each other, to esteem
will and plan of the Father. each other, to consider each
Although He was equal to other’s welfare above their
the Father, He submitted own, and to stay by each
Himself to the Father’s other’s side through the
leading. highs and lows and the ups
This relationship within and downs that come in
the Godhead is the pattern every married life.
that provides a background The husband was told
for understanding heaven’s specifically in the Bible to
pattern for marriage. love his wife. Paul said it
succinctly in Colossians
BUILDING BLOCK 5: 3:19, “Husbands, love your
Unreserved Love wives” (see also Eph. 5:25).
The wife also is expected
to love her husband. You
will remember, for example,
that the older women of
Crete were told to instruct
5 the younger women to “love
their husbands” (Ti. 2:4).
1 2 3 4 The love between a
husband and wife that
The fifth building block for a grows through the years of
strong marriage is love— marriage does not happen
genuine, heartfelt, through- automatically with the
thick-and-thin, till-death-us- saying of the vows or the
do-part love. A husband and giving of a ring. It must be
14

worked at! True, many work or the praise she
wonderful and deep feelings gets for her kindness.
are experienced by a couple • love does not boast
who court, fall in love, and about getting the bigger
marry. As time goes on, paycheck or making
however, they learn that fewer mistakes.
love has a deeper and more • love is not proud but
practical dimension than admits that she may be
the romantic aspect. They right about what’s wrong
discover that they have to with the car.
work at loving each other. • love is not rude, for
The biblical pattern for it speaks to her
Christian love is spelled respectfully in private
out in 1 Corinthians 13. as well as in public.
Although the love defined • love is not self-seeking,
in these familiar verses is but it looks for an
true of all relationships, it opportunity to be of
may be especially applied help to the other.
to marriage. Think about • love is not easily angered
the practical ways the and doesn’t even raise
elements of love seen in its voice when she does.
verses 4-8 apply to a • love keeps no record of
husband/wife relationship: wrongs and doesn’t raise
• love is patient, enduring issues when it’s time to
his absentmindedness move on.
over and over again. • love does not delight in
• love is kind, helping with evil and does not
the housework when pressure the partner into
she’s had a hard day. wrong behavior.
• love does not envy his • love rejoices with
important position at the truth by facing
15

reality and changing love aren’t given just to
accordingly. make marriage work. They
• love always protects, are given to us by a wise
without resorting to heavenly Father who, above
bitter, sarcastic criticism. all, wants us to be in right
• love always trusts, relationship to Him.
believing that our real Yes, it’s hard to love
security is in the Lord. when all the love seems to
• love always hopes, be flowing one way. It’s
holding to the shared hard when you’re the only
dreams when his job is one doing the giving, the
phased out. sacrificing, the holding on.
• love always perseveres, It’s hard when your
growing even stronger in partner’s ego or pride or
adversity and stress. selfishness keeps your love
• love never fails, though from being returned.
youth, health, and vigor You’ve tried talking about
fade away. it but nothing happens.
“But wait a minute,” you You’re ready to throw in
say. “I’m doing my part, the towel.
but my partner is not doing If you’re thinking like
his. Do you expect me to that, it might help you to
keep loving him when he think about the Lord Jesus
doesn’t love me in return?” suffering for us. If anyone
Disillusioned husband or ever had a reason to stop
wife, this love can change loving, He did. But He
your life. It may not change loved us without
your mate, but it will give reservation, even to the
him every reason to realize point of dying on the cross
that you are still there for in our behalf. That is the
him. These principles of kind of love we are to have.
16

BUILDING BLOCK 6: almost 2,000 years ago by
Mutual Submission the apostle Paul who went
on to apply the principle
of mutual submission to
several relationships. Not
surprisingly, he saw that the
first relationship needing
5 6 this kind of mutual spirit
was marriage.
1 2 3 4 Submission and love
go together. We know that
Some Bible interpreters have God is love, but how do
made much of the fact that we know He loves us?
wives are told in the Bible to Because with great humility
submit to their husbands. and submission, Christ went
In stressing the woman’s to the cross (Phil. 2:5-8).
responsibility, however, they In a Christian marriage,
fail to see that the passage husband and wife, because
in Ephesians 5 is prefaced they love God, are submitted
by the following important to what the will of God is for
words: them. They are in a process
Do not be drunk with of letting go of themselves
wine, in which is and submitting to God and
dissipation; but be filled to each other. Having the
with the Spirit, . . . “mind of Christ” produces
submitting to one another mutual submission. While
in the fear of God there are countless ways of
(Eph. 5:18,21). expressing this attitude it at
These verses were written least means:
to the entire community of • Marriage is give and
Christ. They were penned take—not just take.
17

• Marriage is often very home—that’s what followers
difficult. of Christ are to be. Mutual
• Marriage is rising above submission is an important
self-absorption. building block that will
• Marriage is being a make a marriage work!
servant.
• Marriage is seeing when BUILDING BLOCK 7:
it is loving to give in. Sexual Fulfillment
• Marriage is helping when
she’s tired.
• Marriage is caring about
each others hurts.
So, what does this
mean? It may mean that a 5 6 7
wife needs to see routine
chores as something that 1 2 3 4
is not “beneath her.” In
heaven’s eyes, she is far In the garden paradise
more than the family maid. where it all began, Adam
But it also means that a and Eve shared a wonderful
husband is not to view his intimacy: “They were both
house as his castle, and all naked, the man and his
of its inhabitants, including wife, and were not
his wife, as his subjects. ashamed” (Gen. 2:25).
Rather, having the mind of Furthermore, the command
Christ, he is to see it as the to replenish the earth came
place where he has the best before the fall. Intimacy and
opportunity of all to humble mutual physical fulfillment,
himself—to be a servant. therefore, have always been
After all, in every life part of the husband-wife
situation—including the relationship.
18

The husband and wife are about prostitution, the wise
to find sexual fulfillment in author of Proverbs wrote
each other. The Bible gives these words to young
the following perspectives: husbands:
It Is Protective. The
husband and wife are to
reserve this special intimacy
“Thinking correctly
for each other, and they are about marital
to give it freely. Paul wrote, intimacy lays the
“Because of sexual
immorality, let each man
groundwork for
have his own wife, and let enjoying it fully.”
each woman have her own —Charles Swindoll
husband” (1 Cor. 7:2).
No one needs to tell Drink water from your
us that we are living in a own cistern, and
sexually promiscuous age. running water from your
There are few restraints. own well. Should your
From billboards to fountains be dispersed
television to magazines, abroad, streams of water
relationships are being in the streets? Let them be
sexualized. only your own, and not
A husband and wife for strangers with you. Let
who maintain intimacy are your fountain be blessed,
helping to protect each and rejoice with the wife
other from a sexually of your youth. As a loving
obsessed society. They deer and a graceful doe,
protect their own let her breasts satisfy you
faithfulness. at all times; and always
It Is Enjoyable. After be enraptured with her
delivering a stern warning love (5:15-19).
19

The sexual aspect of other. Furthermore, the time
marriage is not a necessary of abstinence is to be brief.
evil to be endured for the Do not deprive one
purpose of procreation. It another except with
was designed by God to consent for a time, that
bring continuing pleasure— you may give yourselves
an intimate, exhilarating, to fasting and prayer;
renewing part of the and come together again
husband-wife relationship. so that Satan does not
It Is Expected. When a tempt you because of
man and woman come your lack of self-control
together in marriage, each (1 Cor. 7:5).
has a right to expect sexual Mutual sexual
fulfillment from the other. enjoyment is an important
Paul wrote: part of marriage. Marital
Let the husband render sexual experience that is
to his wife the affection motivated by love is not
due her, and likewise also evil. It must not be made
the wife to her husband. more important than it is;
The wife does not have nor should it be minimized.
authority over her own It is part of the overall
body, but the husband picture—an intimate part
does. And likewise the of the shared identity of the
husband does not have man and woman who come
authority over his own together as husband and
body, but the wife does wife.
(1 Cor. 7:3-4).
Paul went on to say
that if one marital partner
decides to abstain, it is first
to be agreed upon with the
20

BUILDING BLOCK 8: wives do not communicate
Open Communication effectively:
• They take each other for
granted.
• They want to avoid a
8 confrontation.
• They are obsessed with
5 6 7 their own interests.
• They feel that they are
1 2 3 4 being manipulated.
• They are too hurried to
In a survey taken a few take the time.
years ago, the Family • They don’t want to hurt
Services Association the other person.
discovered that 87 percent For a marriage to be
of husbands and wives strong, however, the
interviewed said that the barriers to communication
main problem in their must be broken down. And
marriages was one way to accomplish that
communication. The is to follow the example of
percentage would probably Christ. You will remember
be the same in Christian that husbands were
marriages. The wife is instructed to love their
frustrated because she can’t wives as Christ loved the
get her husband to talk. The church. Two aspects of the
husband doesn’t feel it does Savior’s relationship to the
any good because his wife church could be applied to
has already made up her marriage.
mind anyway. Christ Is The Great
Here are some of the Communicator. He is
reasons husbands and the living Word of God
21

(Jn. 1:1-4). He came to Christ Is The Head.
make God known by word Colossians 1:18 says that
and by example. He Christ is “the head of the
revealed the will and body, the church.” A head
character of God to man. must be in touch with all
Christ is also involved parts of the body for it to
in a continuing process of function smoothly. Through
communicating with the the nervous system, it
church. He is seated in sends and receives
heaven, inviting us to “come information. It tells the
boldly to the throne of grace” finger when to move; it is
(Heb. 4:16) to tell God what told when the finger feels
is on our hearts and to let pain. If communication is
Him know our needs. missing, the body cannot
How can Christ’s example function as one.
of communication with His The same is true of a
church apply to a marriage? marriage. The man, as
• Husbands need to talk head of the home, needs to
to their wives. communicate with his wife.
• Wives need to talk to And she in turn needs to be
their husbands. free to communicate with
• Both should feel free to him. Unless there is two-
respond honestly. way communication, as
• Every problem should be between Christ and His
talked through. own, the marriage will
• Opportunities for talking experience difficulty.
should be valued. Psychologist Paul
Without open and Tournier made this
healthy communication, it observation about marital
will be hard for a marriage communication:
to be successful. No doubt they [a
22

husband and wife] do it’s worth the pain and
talk about everything, effort. Open communication
but it is all objective, all is an essential building
about facts and ideas, block of marriage!
which is what a man is
interested in. For a BUILDING BLOCK 9:
woman, real dialogue Tender Respect
means talking about her
feelings—her own
feelings. But even more
importantly, about her 8 9
husband’s feelings,
which she wants to 5 6 7
understand, but which
he does not know how to 1 2 3 4
explain (“Listening To
Her,” Family Life Today, Sometimes marital partners
Nov. 1982, p.26). are like Dr. Jekyll and Mr.
What can you do if you Hyde. In public they are
feel your mate is not considerate, forgiving,
listening? Here are four patient, and sweet-
suggestions: tempered. But once they
• Tell of your need to are behind the closed doors
communicate. of their own home, they
• Don’t rehash old turn ill-tempered, surly, and
conversations. unforgiving. Their mates
• Start on the fact level. only wish they could be
• Move on to the feeling treated the way their
and conviction levels. partner treats others.
It’s hard to converse In Ephesians 4:31-32
honestly on all levels, but the apostle Paul wrote:
23

Let all bitterness, wrath, He was saying, “Know your
anger, clamor, and evil wife well so that you can
speaking be put away respect her feelings.” A
from you, with all malice. husband needs to make this
And be kind to one his goal. He should know
another, tenderhearted, what pleases and comforts
forgiving one another, just her, and also what hurts
as God in Christ also and angers her. This special
forgave you. understanding can then be
This passage certainly used in building her up
applies to husbands and rather than tearing her
wives in a marriage down.
relationship. Speaking to 2. “Giving honor . . . as
wives, Paul said, “Let the to the weaker vessel.” If a
wife see that she respects man is going to move five
her husband” (Eph. 5:33). containers and he knows
Peter told wives to be one of them is more fragile
submissive to their than the others, he will
husbands and even to handle that one more
pattern their behavior after carefully. This is how a
Sarah, who “obeyed husband should treat his
Abraham, calling him lord” wife. He should give her
(1 Pet. 3:1,5-6)—a picture special honor and respect.
of her respect for him. Husband, buy your wife
Peter then spoke to gifts, send her flowers,
husbands in verse 7 and remember her birthday,
advocated that they respect take her special places.
their wives as well. He gave 3. “As being heirs
three instructions: together of the grace of life.”
1. “Dwell with [your The gifts of life are not only
wife] with understanding.” the husband’s to enjoy.
24

They are given by God husband and a dedicated
equally to both, and they wife! No one can measure
should be shared together. how much they help each
A man must respect his wife other spiritually as they
and not rob the joy of life travel life’s road together.
God created her to have. The spiritual dimension
was included in the
BUILDING BLOCK 10: passages about marriage
Spiritual Companionship we’ve been discussing.
Speaking to husbands about
10 their wives, Paul said:
Husbands, love your
8 9 wives, just as Christ also
loved the church and gave
5 6 7 Himself for it, that He
might sanctify and cleanse
1 2 3 4 it with the washing of
water by the word, that
Finally, and perhaps most He might present it to
important, a Christian Himself a glorious church,
husband and wife should not having spot or wrinkle
see themselves as spiritual or any such thing, but
companions. They are that it should be holy
making a spiritual journey and without blemish.
through life together, So husbands ought to
walking hand in hand as love their own wives as
children of God toward the their own bodies
wonderful eternity with God (Eph. 5:25-28).
that awaits them. What a There is to be a purifying,
difference it makes when a cleansing dimension to the
marriage has a godly marriage. Just as the church
25

is made pure because of that will be present in a
Jesus Christ, so the wife marriage where husband
should be made better by and wife are spiritual
her relationship to her companions:
husband. • They both worship the
And how is that same God.
accomplished? The same • They both seek to do
way Christ helped the the will of God.
church: He loved it and • They are both
gave Himself for it. Love accountable to Christ.
and sacrifice—these set a • They raise their children
marriage apart and make together.
possible a true spiritual • They pray for each other.
companionship. • They encourage each
Peter also mentioned the other’s faith.
spiritual dimension in his As a husband and wife
passage on marriage. He draw closer to the Lord
closed it by saying, “that through prayer, Bible
your prayers may not be reading, fellowship, and
hindered” (1 Pet. 3:7). As submission to Christ,
the husband understands they will also draw
his wife, giving her honor closer to each other.
and seeing her as a joint- This relationship may be
heir of the grace of life, he visualized as a triangle.
will be able to pray with As the husband and wife
power. If he does not, Peter draw closer to God, they
says, his prayers will be will also grow closer to each
“hindered.” He will lose the other in a relationship that
easy freedom of unhindered pleases God.
prayer.
Here are some qualities
26

FIVE FACTS other can be stubborn,
ABOUT easily hurt, depressed,
or angry.
MARRIAGE • You have different views
about finances.

P
astors and marriage So you begin to tell
counselors repeatedly yourself that you married the
hear husbands and wrong person. But that’s no
wives make statements that longer an issue. You made a
are not true. Here are five lifelong commitment. Now
facts about marriage that are your responsibility before
often disputed by marital God, except in extreme cases
partners under stress. of unfaithfulness, is to stay
1. You aren’t married with the one you have
to the wrong person. married (Mt. 19:4-9;
Sometimes it doesn’t take 1 Cor. 7:10-14).
very long before the wife 2. His failure to lead
begins to wonder if she isn’t your excuse.
married the right guy, or the “Well,” the young woman
husband begins to think he said emphatically, “if he
made a mistake. This often would only lead the way
happens in that period of he’s supposed to, we could
adjustment while idealistic work things out. But he
expectations for marriage won’t, so I have to make
are being brought into line the decisions. Then he
with reality. criticizes them. I can’t
• You find out she hates stand it any longer.”
to cook. She’s right about one
• You find out he has no thing. Her husband should
mechanical ability. be taking more loving,
• You each learn that the thoughtful initiative.
27

He should be taking the fault we’re having
lead, especially in spiritual financial trouble.”
matters. When a man starts
Even so, his failure to talking like this, he’s
lead is no excuse for her refusing to accept his own
disobedience. Her responsibility in the family
responsibility before the decision-making process.
Lord still calls for her to be True, she did provide input.
a loving, spiritual woman of Perhaps she was insistent.
growing inner beauty (1 Pet. But that’s not your excuse.
3:1-6). If she uses what she You have to stop blaming
sees as his failure to lead as her and begin to do what’s
an excuse for her own poor right before God.
behavior, she is failing every 4. Sex isn’t all he
bit as much as he is. thinks about.
3. Her failure to Sometimes a hard-working,
submit isn’t your excuse. busy wife begins to think
Some husbands have a that all her husband is
built-in excuse for every interested in is having his
shortcoming or failure— sexual desires met. This
they blame their wives. perception may become
• “She’s always so pious. especially pronounced if
She corrects me every any of the following
time I try to lead family circumstances are true:
devotions. It’s her fault • He spends too much
we don’t have them time in his work.
anymore.” • She doesn’t have his
• “She had to have this help around the house.
house. I went ahead • He ignores the needs of
with it because I knew it the children.
would please her. It’s her • Their schedule is full.
28

While it’s true that he • “She insists that the
may need an honest kitchen cupboards need
reminder that his wife restaining. They look
barely has the energy to fine to me!”
keep up with her work, • “It takes her forever to
it also may be true that she get ready to go
sometimes doesn’t bother anywhere. And then
with her husband’s sexual we’re always late!”
interest. In many cases, • “She loves to shop and
both need to do some spend my hard-earned
adjusting. She needs to give money on little
him the benefit of the doubt knickknacks and
and also talk to him about doodads.”
her needs. Some couples It’s true that many
need to plan a regular women are more interested
evening together or, if in appearances than their
finances allow, a few days husbands. And Peter did
away without the children. speak bluntly to women
5. Appearance isn’t all about the danger of putting
she thinks about. too much emphasis on
A fifth fact about marriage looking good on the outside
is that many women do when they should be paying
think about more than attention to the “hidden
aesthetics. But some person of the heart”
husbands don’t believe it. (1 Pet. 3:4).
They argue: But let’s face it, men. We
• “She always wants to do need our wives to help
buy something new for us. Some of us are slobs. If
the house.” we’re honest, we’ll admit
• “It takes her too long to we’re glad for their attention
pick out a dress.” to detail.
29

CHECKLIST FOR • I often sacrifice my
HUSBANDS interests for my wife’s
well-being.
1 2 3 4 5

H
usbands, now that • I often tell her that I love
you’ve read what her and do little things to
the Bible teaches show it.
about your role and 1 2 3 4 5
responsibilities in marriage, • I’m concerned about her
take a moment to evaluate feelings, and I listen
yourself. Rate yourself by when she talks about
circling the appropriate them.
number: 5–excellent; 4–very 1 2 3 4 5
good; 3–good; 2–poor; • I try to say something
1–failing. nice to my wife every
day and don’t go to sleep
• I see myself as having angry.
left father and mother 1 2 3 4 5
and as bonded to my • I do not use my wife’s
wife. 1 2 3 4 5 shortcomings as excuses
• I see my wife as one with for my own failures.
me in every phase of my 1 2 3 4 5
life. 1 2 3 4 5 • I talk about spiritual
• I do my best to be matters with her, and I
faithful to her in thought often pray for her and
as well as in deed. with her.
1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5
• I provide my wife the Now have your wife
kind of loving leadership evaluate you. Be open
Christ gives the church. to areas that need
1 2 3 4 5 improvement.
30

CHECKLIST FOR to get my own way.
WIVES 1 2 3 4 5
• I am willing to submit
to my husband’s

W
ives, now that responsibility of headship.
you’ve read 1 2 3 4 5
what the Bible • I feel that inner beauty is
teaches about your role and more important than
responsibilities in marriage, physical attractiveness.
you might want to stop 1 2 3 4 5
and evaluate how you are • I show respect for my
doing. Rate yourself by husband in my attitudes
circling the appropriate and my actions.
number: 5–excellent; 4–very 1 2 3 4 5
good; 3–good; 2–poor; • I do little things for him
1–failing. that I know will please
him. 1 2 3 4 5
• I do not let myself think • I don’t use my husband’s
that I have married the short-comings as an
wrong person. excuse for my failures.
1 2 3 4 5 1 2 3 4 5
• I have left my father and • I see myself as my
mother and share husband’s spiritual
identity with my companion, and I pray
husband. 1 2 3 4 5 for him and with him.
• I am committed to 1 2 3 4 5
making our marriage last Now ask your husband
until one of us dies. to rate you in these areas
1 2 3 4 5 and compare notes. Be
• I do not use sexual honest, and be open to
fulfillment as a weapon improvement.
31

TAKING THE broken in spirit to start anew.
FIRST STEP If you’re not a child of
God, the first step is to know
what Christ did for you.

F
or a marriage to be as The starting place for a
God designed it, both healthy marriage experience
partners need to be begins with your own
right with Him. He created personal relationship to
marriage in part because Him. To know His
He saw that it wasn’t good forgiveness, you need to
for man to be alone. agree with Him about your
Is your marriage a good sin, admit that you can’t
one? If there are serious, save yourself, and then
unresolved problems, is it believe that Christ died in
because you have been your place to take the
trying to make it on your penalty for your sin and then
own? If so, let me urge you rose from the dead to prove
to turn back to your Creator it. Read the wonderful
and Savior. Admit that promise of John 3:16 and
you’ve made a mess of claim it for yourself:
things and that you can’t live For God so loved the
without Him. Turn from your world that He gave His
pride and stubborn only begotten Son, that
independence. Confess your whoever believes in Him
wrongs to God. Ask Him to should not perish but
help you build into your have everlasting life.
marriage the 10 biblical When you believe in
building blocks we’ve named Him, you’ll have taken the
in this booklet. And let your first step in finding the kind
spouse know what you have of relationship you’ve been
done—even if you have to be looking for.
32

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Building Blocks To A Strong Marriage

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