Boundaries of SOTM Life Management Group

BOUNDARIES
SOTM LIFE SKILLS CENTER
SOTM Life Skills Center-
www.sotmlifeskills.com- 972-709-

Welcome Back

Disclaimer
• This information is for educational and
informational purposes only, and
represents the understanding of the presenters
regarding the material involved. The presenters
assume no liability or responsibility for behavior
based on this group. Nothing presented herein is
to be construed as an attempt or encouragement
by the presenters to distort or avoid following
legal rules, regulations, or guidelines, in any way.
If attendees have questions about specific actions
to take in their own lives they are advised to
consult with their Medical Administrative.

Disclosure LPC vs. LSC
• Presenters are sometimes licensed
psychotherapist, however when
conducting Life Skills Mentoring
Group, Presenters serves as life
coach and not as your or group
psychotherapist. The presenter has
no relevant financial relationships
with the manufacturers of any
commercial products or providers of
commercial services discussed in
Life Skills Mentoring group.SOTM Life Skills Center-

Group Rules
This is a mutual self-help group, not a
therapy group. Hopefully, this group will
provide emotional, psychological, and
moral support for its members. Each of us
is encouraged to participate to whatever
extent we feel comfortable.
Please review the ground rules to facilitate the
development of trust in the group and enable us
to share our thoughts and feelings with each
other.

What is a
Boundary ?

A boundary is something that
indicates a border or a limit;
more specifically, it is a limit or
edge that defines you as
separate from others.

TYPES OF BOUNDARIES
• PHYSICAL
• EMOTIONAL
• SPIRITUAL
• SEXUAL
• INDIVIDUAL
• FAMILY

PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES
Your skin is your first physical
boundary. On the outside of your
skin is the immediate circle of
space around you which is called
your “comfort zone”. You adjust
the size of this zone depending
upon who/what is interacting with
you.

EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES
You have your distinct set of
feelings and reactions. No
matter how hard you try, you
cannot stand in another’s
shoes and no one can react to
a situation exactly as you do.

SPIRITUAL BOUNDARIES
Your spiritual
development comes
uniquely from your
experiences and beliefs.

SEXUAL BOUNDARIES
You have a right to set limits on who you
want to interact with sexually. The
safeness, appropriateness and
extensiveness of that interaction
belong to you. At every
intersection in a sexual
relationship, you have a choice to
say yes or no.

INDIVIDUAL BOUNDARIES
Individual boundaries are
set by you to decide what
you let in and out in your
interactions with others.

FAMILY BOUNDARIES
There are
unique
boundaries
between
family
members. It is
common in
dysfunctional
families to
have unclear
boundaries.
Why are they so
much harder to
set?

SETTING BOUNDARIES
Why is it important to set
boundaries?
-Setting boundaries is healthy for both you and
those around you. You will have different
boundaries with different people in your life.
It is important that you are aware of what those
boundaries are so those around you understand
your limitations. Boundaries provide a structure for
your relationships. They keep you safe and others
safe.

3 stages of setting and
keeping a boundary
• • Defining the boundary
• • Setting the boundary
• • Keeping the boundary

5 Biggest Myths About
Boundaries
1. Myth: Boundaries push
people away.
Discussion
Do you agree that boundaries
pushes people away?
Why or why not?

• Fact: Boundaries are actually key
for close relationships.
“Boundaries help you distinguish
yourself from others and ironically,
that allows you to choose to be
closer to others.”
Julie de Azevedo Hanks

• 2. Myth: Love has no boundaries.
Discussion
Do you agree that love has no
boundaries?
Why or why not?

“I love you’ is equated with ‘I’ll do
anything you ask at any time,”
Ryan Howes, PhD
In the name of love, many people
end up giving in to demands that
cause damage, build
resentment, and may eventually
destroy the relationship.”
. SOTM Life Skills Center-

• 3. Myth: Boundaries are
selfish.
Discussion
Do you think it’s selfish to express
your needs and wants?
Why or why not?

• Fact: “You’ll help a lot more people when
you’re energized than when you’re
depleted, resentful, and over-committed,”
Boundaries are actually helpful for others.
They provide people with “a clearer
understanding of who we are, what
matters to us, and how we operate.

• 4. Myth: Setting boundaries
requires you to be mean.
Discussion
Why do you think others sees you
as mean and punishing them
when you set boundaries?
Why? Are you okay with the label?

• Fact: People misperceive setting
boundaries as a punishment.
It’s only punishment when you go to
the extreme, “setting boundaries
out of rage instead of out of a
place of emotional centeredness,”

• 5. Myth: Boundaries require too
much time.
Discussion
Is this statement true to you?
Why? Or Why Not?

BOUNDARY SETTING
Identify and have respect
for your. . .
• Needs
• Feelings
• Opinions
• Rights
Boundaries can be
physical or emotional

• Fact: Actually, it’s the
opposite. A life
without boundaries
drains your time,
energy and emotions

Physical boundaries define who can touch us, how
someone can touch us, and
Emotional boundaries define where our feelings end
and another's begins. For example:
Do we take responsibility for our feelings and needs, and allow
others to do the same?
Or do we feel overly responsible for the feelings and needs of
others and neglect our own?
Are we able to say "no"?
Can we ask for what we need?
Are we compulsive people pleasers?
Do we become upset simply because others are upset?
Do we mimic the opinions of whomever we are around?

Examples of good boundaries can be
found in the following statements:
• I care about you, but I cannot take away your
problems.
• I need time to be alone.
• I will not be the object of rage.
• I can disagree with you and still care about you.
• I form my own opinions.
• I only accept phone calls until 9 p.m., unless there is
an emergency.
• I will not allow others to make me feel guilty or bad
about myself.
• I will not do something for you that you are able to do
yourself.

Poor boundaries in a
relationship can result in:
• Feeling that you cannot say no to
– or disagree with – one another
• Anxiety and discomfort on both
sides
• Being codependent and having
unclear expectations
• Feeling like a victim
• The development of one-sided
relationships – with no give and
take
• Feelings of over-responsibility

1. STOP paying the price for
the other person’s action:
We must take responsibility
for our own actions. And
allow the other person to
take responsible for
his/her own action, this
helps him/her to grow
and mature.

2. Do not try to change the other
person.
• Since we cannot change others, what
else can we do?
1. Admit our fault and repent from the
damage we have committed in our
relationships.
2. Change ourselves so that we have a
sustainable relationship.
• Rarely does one party alone cause problems
while the other party bears no responsibility.
Most likely, both parties shoulder
responsibility.SOTM Life Skills Center-

3. Learn to change yourself
• You do that by setting healthy
boundaries.
Use self-examining and transforming
yourself to survive
REMEMBER
If we want the other party to respect
our boundary, we ought to
respect his/her boundary.

Developing effective
negotiation skills
• Asking for what you want
– not demanding or
avoiding asking
• Checking with the other
person what their
response is to what you
ask for, and do not make
assumptions

• Starting easy and, if needs be,
finishing strong.
• Collaborating, being flexible and
being willing to compromise to
reach an agreement
Look for ‘win-win’ scenarios

• Holding out for what is most important
and being willing to compromise on lesser
things
Agreeing the terms of the boundary, such
as when it will start, when you will talk
about it again, and the consequences of
it being broken.

More About Boundaries
Those whose boundaries are
too loose:
If your boundaries are to loose,
you will touch others
(sometimes in appropriately),
become upset when others are
upset, get into relationships to
quickly before you really know
someone. And you say yes
when you would really like to
say no.

Those with healthy boundaries
are firm but flexible:
If your boundaries are healthy,
you are able to help others and
accept help from others when you
need it. You know that you are
responsible for your own
happiness and don’t blame others
for your moods. You are able to
negotiate, compromise and you
have empathy for others and their
feelings.

Learning to set healthy
boundaries can feel
uncomfortable:
Depending on how you were
raised it may be hard or even
scary to set boundaries. If our
parents were harsh or abusive
toward us, we may have learned
to suppress our feelings because
we might be worried that they
will be angry with us if we do.

BASIC RULES FOR FAIR FIGHTING
• No physical violence or emotional abuse while
talking/fighting.
• No name calling or cussing out the other person.
• Stick to the topic of contention. No bringing up the
past, unless that’s the topic.
• Avoid lying and exaggerating as in “You
always......” or “You never......” or “I’m the only one
who ever......”. Statements such as these are
useless untruths and do little to enhance problem
solving.

MORE RULES FOR FIGHTING FAIRLY
• No walking or running out of the fight. If
you need a break because you’re getting
too emotional to think clearly and
remember the fair rules of fighting, ask
for a break and agree when the fight will
resume. You do not have to say this
relationship is over or ask for a divorce
just to take a time-out.
• No ultimatums or threats. The point of
fair fighting is not to win but to struggle
with your partner until you can come to
win/win solutions or compromises. In the
meantime enjoy sparing with the other
person and sharpening both of your
abilities to stay afloat in the world of
human realities.

Boundaries can be too
rigid or too loose:
If your boundaries are too
rigid, you will shut others
out, not talk about your
feelings. You may also
have a hard time showing
any emotion or asking for
help when you need it.

Healing Recovery

References
• http://www.adfam.org.uk/docs/Adfam%20handout%20-
%20setting%20and%20keeping%20boundaries.pdf
• 5 Biggest Myths About Boundaries By MARGARITA TARTAKOVSKY, M.S.
Associate Editor
• 24-hour Crisis Help Line:
(972) 233-2233

Boundaries of SOTM Life Management Group

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