1. Listening…
Mastering the most important communication skill of all
“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The
best way to understand people is to listen to them”
Ralph Nichols
Introduction
The purpose of this document is to provide a brief insight into this most
crucial of all communication skills. A recent survey was conducted with a
range of executives from various different companies on the subject of
recruitment. 73% of them considered listening an ‘extremely important
skill’ yet when asked how many of their recent hires had ‘good listening
skills’ their response was only 19%.
Listening is, of course not just for business, it is a life skill that, when applied
well forms and strengthens all relationships. It is reasonable to suggest that
listening is the most important communication skill yet for many the most
difficult to master.
I remember one of my clients regularly told all his staff
“God gave us two ears and one mouth, he expects us to use them in that
proportion”
In this document we will briefly examine…
 Why people struggle with listening
 How you know somebody isn’t listening
 The benefits and hallmarks of an Accomplished Listener
 How to become a more Accomplished Listener using the
P.E.C.A.N.S. approach
I trust you find the article both enjoyable and informative and that it
prompts you and /or your colleagues to adopt more of the hallmarks of
an Accomplished Listener.
Regards
Simon Bozeat
Manging partner
Bozeat Consulting
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2. Are you sitting comfortably…
Five short stories…
1. One of the happiest days in my life was the 15th September 1990 when
I joined my wife Lynne in matrimony. It is a day I naturally remember
well especially the sermon delivered by the Vicar once my wife and I
had exchanged vows. He described married life as a journey, a
journey that will have many highs and inevitably some challenges that
will test the strength of the relationship. He said that these are the times
when it is most important for both the husband and the wife to put
aside any unhelpful emotions such as anger or guilt and genuinely
listen to their partners’ needs and feelings.
He then addressed the congregation saying “let’s face it gentlemen
we are not very good at listening are we?” Just about every woman in
the congregation nodded their head in agreement while just about all
the men bowed their head effectively acknowledging their guilt!
2. More than a century ago, a young woman who had dined with both
William Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli explained why she preferred
Disraeli: "When I dined with Mr. Gladstone I felt as though he was the
smartest man in England. But when I dined with Mr. Disraeli, I felt as
though I was the smartest woman in England."
3. An American Ben Feldman was the first insurance salesman in the
world to pass a sales goal of $25 million in just one year. He was asked
about the secret of his success. His reply… “Work hard, think big and
listen well”
4. Towards the end of the last decade I had the opportunity to deliver a
short seminar on the subject of listening to a group of 100 managers
and senior professionals in a multi-national company. The talk was part
of a two day conference. During my speech I delivered a 1 minute
story in the most mundane, boring and uninspiring manner that I could
muster. I then asked 10 questions to the audience about what they
had just heard. Most people scored less than 5 and only one
participant scored a maximum 10. He did go on to say that he had
learned from both his parents who are practicing and highly respected
psychologists. This means that they were excellent at listening to
people no matter how they put themselves across.
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3. Stories continued…
5. Some years back I met Thomas Wood. Tom is a top consultant and
trainer who conducts negations on behalf of private and public
institutions. He told me this story…
He was due to attend an evening cocktail function with his wife and
her work colleagues. On this particular evening Tom had just finished a
two day seminar on Negotiation skills to a group of senior clients. In
truth Tom had had a challenging two days and did not feel up to
socialising. However he kept his promise to attend and assured himself
that he would spend as little time as possible talking. True to his word
Tom spent most of the party listening and occasionally chipping in with
a comment or question. As they were driving home at the end of the
evening Tom received some feedback from his wife that many of her
friends and colleagues thought he was by far and away the most
attentive and interesting man at the party!
These five stories illustrate one inescapable truth, being able to listen is the
most important communication skill and yet seemingly it is the most
difficult for most of us to master. However the good news is that with some
practice, patience and dedication anyone can become an
Accomplished Listener.
Note: I will at this stage reveal that evidence exists that proves, on the
whole, that women are better at listening than men!
“My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said!”
Anonymous
But why is it that people struggle to listen?
There are many reasons why people find it tough to listen.
For example….
 The speaker may not be interesting to listen to
 The listener may be experiencing unhelpful emotions which prevent
him focusing his full attention on the speaker
 There may be environmental factors interfering e.g. noise or an
uncomfortable climate
 There may be relationship issues which cause the people
concerned to lack the motivation to listen
 Fatigue
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4. Why people struggle to listen, continued…
 The listener believes that the only way he put their point across is to
talk more and increase the volume!
 The listener lacks the ability to concentrate
 The listener cannot let go of a specific point and spends most of
their time thinking about what they want to say rather than listen to
the speaker
It is quite easy to spot people who are incapable and/or unwilling to
listen, they…
 interrupt the speaker
 finish the other persons’ sentences
 more often than not start their response with “ I hear what you are
saying but…”
 send all manner of non-verbal signals that indicate that they are
not listening e.g. failing to make eye contact and fidgeting
 love the sound of their own voice and talk too much
 are judgemental
 change the course of the conversation by responding with
questions and comments that are unrelated the subject currently
under discussion
 give unsolicited and/or unwanted advice
 have a closed mind and are unreceptive to other peoples’
opinions and beliefs
 give the impression that they are too busy and impatient to listen
Have you ever come across people who behave like this? Perhaps you
know them intimately! People who exhibit these traits are missing out on
so much… the opportunity to learn about and from other people. Only
when we exhibit a sense of curiosity and fascination for what others have
to say do we truly enrich our lives.
The hallmarks and benefits of becoming an Accomplished
Listener
Good listeners…
…pay attention to the context as well as the content the discussion. They
are able to decipher the true meaning of both the words and what lies
behind them
…demonstrate to the speaker that they are listening using non-verbal
cues especially an appropriate amount of eye-contact
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5. Good listeners… continued
…are quick to establish rapport so others feel it is safe and secure to talk
… regularly paraphrase the speaker without changing the meaning of
what the speaker has said. Someone who just hears and merely repeats
the speakers’ words is simply a parrot!
…steer conversations towards other peoples’ interests. By doing this they
switch from transmitting to receiving and in doing do opens themselves
up to listening and learning
…are sensitive not only the words being spoken but also the manner in
which they are conveyed both in the voice and the physiology (body
language). Often these will convey the true meaning of the words being
spoken
…asks appropriate and meaningful questions in a non-threatening
manner in order to seek out and clarify information
…have tremendous patience always giving the impression that they have
time for anyone and everyone
…have the ability to metaphorically step into the speakers’ shoes and see
the world from their perspective
…demonstrate genuine interest in the other person irrespective of any
differences in age, gender, race, background or beliefs
…suspend any judgment and enters each and every conversation with a
sprit of genuine curiosity. They resist (especially men) the temptation go
into problem solving mode too soon
…are great speakers, they learn how to be heard with the minimum of air
time. They know that they have become an Accomplished Listener when
they can utter two sentences in an hour-long conversation and receive
thanks for the input from the other speaker who adds, quite earnestly…
“You always have so much to say!”
“The older I grow the more I listen to people who don’t talk much”
Germain G Glein
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6. So how to do you become an Accomplished Listener?
“Listening effectively to others can be the most fundamental and powerful
communication tool of all. When someone is willing to stop talking or thinking and
begin truly listening to others, all of their interactions become easier, and
communication problems are all but eliminated”
Ken Johnson
Now that we’ve established that listening is a vital career enhancing and
life skill how do we learn to listen well? There are a host of practical
exercises to help you become a more Accomplished Listener. Experience
suggests that carrying out the exercises with a partner will give you the
best results. Your partner will play the role of the speaker and give you
feedback on how well you are doing. One thing to bear in mind, if you
ask for feedback be prepared both to accept and act on it!
P.E.C.A.N.S. represents 6 interrelated strategies to improve your ability to
listen.
P = Be Prepared
For important meetings take the time, where available, to ensure you are
both physically and mentally prepared. Conducting appropriate research
on the individual(s) and the subject(s) prevents you from getting lost and
enables you to develop specific lines of questioning. A simple preparation
method is to write down how you will open up the discussion and the
questions you want to ask (see letter A later in this article)
When there is no time to prepare or the conversation is impromptu it is
essential to take a moment to switch off your thoughts from any other
subject and focus all your attention on the speaker(s).
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7. P.E.C.A.N.S. continued…
E = Empathise
Anyone who listens well has the ability to see things from the other
persons’ perspective. In many professions where having top class
communication skills is crucial e.g. salespeople, therapists, psychologists,
coaches, counsellors, consultants, managers and Human Resource
professionals etc they learn to see the world through an others’ eyes.
Average people make assumptions about others whereas top performers
adopt an attitude of curiosity and fascination about the speakers’ world.
One of the greatest challenges for anyone is to listen even if you really
dislike the speaker and/or violently disagree with his views. This may cause
you to ponder excessively on a particular point, which stops you listening.
Again avoid this temptation and really try to see the world through the
other person’s eyes. Useful questions to think through in your own mind
are:
‘I am here to learn from the person, how do I need to behave to cause her to feel
comfortable enough with me to open up?’
‘What can I do to let this person know I am genuinely interested and curious to learn
about her situation?’
‘How will I benefit from taking the time to see the world through this persons’ eyes?’
‘There is obviously something that is causing her to behave in a manner that I am
finding difficult to relate to, how can I put my own opinions aside to exhibit the
patience required to listen and perhaps understand what is behind her behaviour that
might reveal why we have such differences?’
C = Concentrate!
This, perhaps is the most important listening technique and ironically the
hardest to master. The ability to concentrate for long periods on any
subject at hand is a hallmark of all successful people. When it comes to
listening, people can sense when they are not being listened to and when
they are.
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8. P.E.C.A.N.S. continued…
Often the greatest temptation that causes problems for many people is to
begin thinking of what you want to say next before the speaker has
finished. For example, one of my friends has a habit of interrupting other
people, when I asked her why, she said that if she doesn’t say what’s on
her mind there and then she might forget the point she wanted to make!
Avoid this by taking notes about the question you want to ask, it may be
necessary to gently interrupt the speaker and then ask permission to take
notes. These can be then be kept until the speaker has finished talking. By
the way, if you don’t know how to take great notes then learn this skill too!
Learn how to conquer your own defensiveness. If someone says
something that ‘sets you off,’ acknowledge the point, and let it go, then
move on and continue to listen. This challenges even the most mature
among us. Being able to mentally accept criticism without becoming
defensive and passing judgment on the criticism or who made it is a wise
career move.
“Listening is everything, it is how you learn everything”
Meryl Streep – Multiple Oscar winning actress
A = Ask great questions
One of my favourite US TV programmes is ‘In the Actors Studio.’ In it many
of the world’s finest and most famous actors are interviewed on stage in
front of an audience of aspiring actors and actresses. I am a big fan of
the interviewer, James Lipton, who has obviously done his homework and
asks some fantastic questions that helps the viewer reach into the very
heart and sole of the interviewee.
Reporters often say that their job requires them to be an expert for the
day depending on the story – one day an expert on Middle East politics
the next an expert in the transport industry. Top reporters have mastered
the art of asking insightful questions then listening and responding with
further comments and questions.
Like a reporter or James Lipton you must learn to develop rapport with
people to put them at ease and ask questions that elicit revealing
answers.
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9. P.E.C.A.N.S. continued…
All top performers have learned the art of asking excellent questions.
These allow the listener to steer the conversation and offer the
opportunity for the speaker to talk. Here are just three types of questions…
1. Ask questions that begin with who, why, what, where, when and
how. These are all examples of open questions i.e. questions that
encourage a certain degree of elaboration as opposed to a simple
yes or no.
2. Regularly clarify your understanding of what the speaker is saying
by asking questions that begin with…
 “Could I just check something out with you, what you’re saying
is…”
 “I’d just like to clarify a couple of points, as I understand it, what
you’re saying is…”
Clarifying checks your understanding of both the content and
context of what the speaker is talking about and sends a strong
signal to the speaker that she is being listened to.
By the way when clarifying make sure what you say is accurate
otherwise you’ll look a right plonker!
3. Learn to distinguish between generalisations and specifics. People
often shift their speech between the two. For example a
businessperson might say either…
 “We’ve had a bad year” (generalisation) or
 “Last year our turnover was £250,000 with a profit of £50,000 this
year it has dropped by 50% to £125,000 and we made a loss of
£20,000” (specific)
The skill of the good interviewer is to know when and how to
sensitively probe for detail. Often the speaker may not be willing to
divulge sensitive information however the skilled interviewer will
know that ‘the devil is in the detail’ and appropriate action can
only be explored when the facts are known.
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10. P.E.C.A.N.S. continued…
N = Network Network Network!
‘Perfect practice makes perfect’
Richard Denny
Like any skill the best way to excel at listening is to practice. Networking is
the process of getting out and about rubbing shoulders with the people
you want to build relationships with. A useful skill is to notice the response
you get when you have conversations with people…
 are they warming to you?
 are they talking while you are listening?
 are you beginning to build a relationship?
 are your questions eliciting the response you want?
 are they happy to disclose information to you?
 are you using less air time than the speaker?
 are you maintaining focus and concentration?
 are you able to put any thoughts out of your mind that might are
cloud your ability to focus on what the speaker is saying?
Take some time to practice this with people you know well you can ask
for feedback. Just choose a topic and have a discussion. Practice the
listening skills outlined earlier in this document and ask for feedback from
your partner both ‘what went well’ and ‘what would have made it
better.’
S = Silence is Golden
“I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.”
- Publilius Syrus
Clearly, you will be a far better listener if you are not talking! Obviously it is
important to speak up, but remaining silent the majority of the time can
emphasise the things you do say. In other words “shut up and listen!”
One final tip, when you ask a cracking question that causes the speaker
to pause and really think about the answer resist the temptation to
answer it for them.
“A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat!”
Kate Whitehorn
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11. In summary…
Listening is a tremendous skill to master, it is essential for learning, it helps
you form terrific relationships and most of all ensures you live life with a
spirit of curiosity.
“Every person in this life has something to teach me… and as soon as I accept that, I
truly open myself to truly listening”
Catherine Doucette
I trust this short article has given you a little insight into the world of
listening and you use it to enhance your ability.
For further information on how to improve you and your colleagues’ ability
to listen including the training programme The Accomplished Listener
please contact the Bozeat Consulting on 01530 271272 or
info@bozeatconsulting.co.uk
Happy listening!
Simon Bozeat
Lead Business Coach
Bozeat Consulting
t : 00 44 1530 271272
m : 00 44 7989 673095
e : simon@bozeatconsulting.co.uk
Find me on Twitter, Facebook and Linked-In
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