This document contains a collection of offensive jokes and dirty humor involving vulgar sexual references and stereotypes. The jokes target various groups and touch on topics like sex acts, body parts, relationships and more.

1. Dirty Jokes
Q: What is the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job still sucks.
Q: What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?
A: A tearjerker.
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take
your house and car with them.
Q: Why are Penises the lightest things in the world?
A: Even thoughts can raise them.
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q: What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on
your face?
A: Finding out it was traced.

2. Q: Why didn't the Toilet Paper cross the road?
A: It got stuck in a crack
Q: What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Pounder with Cheese
Q: How did Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?
A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper!
Q: What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the
factory?
A: Two Test-tickles
Q: Do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.
Q: What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
A: The more you play with them, the harder they get!
Q: How do you make a pool table laugh?
A: Tickle its balls.
Q: What does a perverted frog say?
A: Rubbit
Q: What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A: a PDF File
Q: What is the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
A: A Genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a Gynecologist
looks up your family bush.
Q: What's green and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the frog's finger
Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.

3. Q: What do you call an Italian hooker?
A: A Pasta-tute
Q: Who was the world's first carpenter?
A: Eve, because she made Adam's banana stand
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?
A: When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking.
Q: What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?
A: They just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out."
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.
Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
A: They were originally intended for children, but it's the men who play
with them the most.
Q: What's long, hard and full of seamen?
A: A submarine
Q: What's the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
A: You can drop them off anywhere.
Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
A: Good morning ladies.
Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells
nice
Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
A: They are both meat substitutes!
Q: What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
A: Addictionary.
Q: What is Moby Dick's dad's name?

4. A: Papa Boner
Q: How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?
A: She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles
Q: How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal
thermometer?
A: By the taste
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a promiscuous woman?
A: Tug-of-whore.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What do George Zimmerman, OJ Simpson and Masturbation have in
common?
A: Getting off once isn't enough
Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his butt.
Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25
year old doesn't?
A: Her navel.
Q: What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
A: I want you inside me!

5. Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68, at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why do vegetarians give head?
A: Because they are used to eating nuts!
Q: What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually take time to search for a golf ball.
Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
A: Beat it. We’re closed.
Q: What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Married.
Q: Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
A: Because they won't stop to ask directions.
Q: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
A: One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
A: He only comes once a year.
Q: What’s the best part about sex with twenty—eight-year-olds?
A: There are 20 of them!
Q: What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Q: What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
Q: What’s the best part about gardening?
A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

6. Q: How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the crap out of you.
Q: What do the Mafia and a vagina have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
A: The man.
Q: What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
A: Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive
anymore.
Q: What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
Q: How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
A: As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
Q: What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.
Q: Why can't you hear a psychologist using the bathroom?
A: Because the 'p' is silent!
Q: What's better than roses on your piano?
A: Tulips on your organ.
Q: What's the difference between being hungry and being horny?
A: Where you put the cucumber
Q: What do you call a virgin on a water bed?
A: A cherry float
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can?
A: Because his wife died
Q: What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
A: A liquor cabinet

7. Q: What do girls and noodles have in common?
A: They both wiggle when you eat them
Q: What's the worst thing about dating a blonde?
A: If you don't know what hole to put it in neither do they.
Q: Did you hear about the cannibal that made a bunch of businessmen
into Chili?
A: I guess he liked seasoned professionals.
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
A: A lickalotopuss
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dong.
Q: What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad?
A: Lettuce alone without dressing.
Q: What's long, Hard and Erect stuff?
A: A Crane!
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.?
A: E.T. I eventually went home!
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.
Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me!

8. Q: What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster
than her six brothers?
A: A virgin
Q: What do you call two fat people talking?
A: A heavy discussion
Q: What do you call a party with 100 midgets?
A: A little get together.
Q: What do going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in
common?
A: You have to bite the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the
meaty bit.
Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: She gagged
Q: How do you get Dick from Richard? How do you get Bill from
William? How do you get Bob from robert?
A: You ask him nicely.
Q: Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
A: Because he only comes once a year, and it's down your chimney.
Q: What is hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?
A: Chewing gum
Q: Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?
A: Because Ken came in another box
Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A: Keep the tip!
Q: What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal
disease?
A: One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt
Q: What's the difference between a bag of coke and a baby?
A: Eric Clapton would never let a bag of coke fall out the window

9. Q: What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?
A: The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.
Q: What kind of bees make milk?
A: Boo-Bees
Q: What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take your meat out
Q: What do you call an expert fisherman?
A: A Master Baiter
Q: What's the difference between a girl and a washing machine?
A: When a guy dumps a load in the washing machine, it doesn't follow
him around.
Q: What's the worst thing about being a pedophile?
A: Just trying to fit in
Q: What's the best thing about a gypsy on her period?
A: When you finger her, you get your palm red for free.
Q: Who's the biggest hoe in history?
A: Ms. Pac-man, because for 25 cents she swallows balls until she dies.
Q: Did you hear about the short-sighted Moyle?
A: He got the sack
Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A: A rip-off
Q: Did you hear about the celebrity murderer?
A: He was shooting for the stars
Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

10. A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have
left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: Why is being in the military like a BJ?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: Why can't Jesus play hockey?
A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards.
Q: What did the letter O say to Q?
A: Dude, your junk is hanging out.
Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
A: Virgin Mobile
Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A: Doughnuts
Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!
Q: How do you know you have a high sperm count?
A: Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
Q: What's the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple?
A: Pimples don't come on a boy's face until they're 13.
Q: What's the difference between a walrus and a lesbian?
A: One smells like fish and has a moustache, and the other is a walrus.
Q: What do priests and McDonalds have in common?
A: They both stick their meat in 10 year old buns
Q: What do you call crystal clear urine?
A: 1080 pee
Q: Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
A: For fingering A minor
Q: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?

11. A: They couldn't close his casket.
Q: What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
A: Their last big hit was the wall.
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in the U.S.A.?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q: Whats the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?
A: Phelps can finish a race.
Q: Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?
A: Because he wanted to find a tight seal
Q: Why don't orphans play baseball?
A: They don't know where home is.
Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for
breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to sleep with?
A: When you pull her pants down her butt is still in them
Q: What do you call an artist with a brown finger?
A: Piccassole
Q: What do you call an afghan virgin?
A: Never bin laid on
Q: Whats 72?
A: 69 with three people watching
Q: What three words will ruin a man's ego?
A: "Is it in?"
Q: What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
A: Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
Q: What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

12. A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blow job.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: Why do women have orgasms?
A: Just another reason to moan, really.
Q: How is sex like a game of bridge?
A: If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner
Q: How is life like a penis?
A: Your girlfriend makes it hard.
Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Q: What's an adult actress' favorite drink?
A: 7 Up in cider.
Q: What do you call ball's on your chin?
A: A dick in your mouth!
Q: Did you hear about the Mexican racist?
A: He joined the que.
Q: What did the penis say to the vagina?
A: Don’t make me come in there!
Q: What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
A: One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
Q: How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
A: Call and tell her about it.

13. Q: Why are men like diapers?
A: They’re usually full of crap, but thankfully disposable.
Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant?
A: Apologize and wipe it off.
Q: What do you call an incestuous nephew?
A: An aunt-eater.
Q: What do you call a nanny with breast implants?
A: A faux-pair.
Q: What's warm, wet, and pink?
A: A pig in a hot tub.
Q: Why was the two piece swimsuit invented?
A: To separate the hairy from the dairy.
Q: What’s another name for a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.
Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick it up and blow it!
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
Q: What do Asian people eat instead of chicken noodle soup?
A: Chicken Poodle soup Girls are like math problems. If they are under
18, it's best you do them in your head.
Life without women would be a pain in the butt, literally.
Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking crap from some
asshole.
The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's butt and
wait.

14. I nicknamed my dong "Coin Flip" because it's always getting either head
or tail.
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