Good morning sir, how may I help you? Customer: I want to withdraw some money. Assistant: Sure, please insert your ATM card. Customer: I don't have an ATM card, I want to withdraw with my mouth. Assistant: I'm sorry sir, we don't accept mouth withdrawals. Customer: It's okay, let me try. *pretends to insert mouth like card* See, it's reading. Now give me my money! A man went to the hospital for a check up. The doctor asked him to provide a stool sample. He came back the next day with an empty briefcase. The doctor asked, "Where is the sample?" The man replied, "

1. A man would come home very late and very drunk every
night. His wife decides to teach him a lesson by dressing
up like Satan and scaring him. When he finally stumbles
across the lawn, his wife jumps out and howls like a
demon. He looks at her and slurs, "You don't scare me.
I'm married to your sister"!
A classic case of "NO WEAPON FASHIONED AGAINST ME
SHALL PROSPER": A baby was born laughing really hard
with its fist tightly closed, chuckling and dandling happily.
Everyone in the room was perplexed, wondering what's up
with the baby. One of the confused nurses unfolded
its tiny fingers and found a birth control pill!!!
An American, an English man, and a Nigerian were on a
ship, Suddenly the Devil appeared and said, "Drop
anything in the sea, if I find it I will eat u, If I can't, I will
be ur slave!" The American dropped a pin, the Devil found
it and ate him. The English man dropped a coin, the Devil
found it and ate him too. The Nigerian opened a bottle of
water, poured it in the sea and said: "Na today? find am
make I see now.
A man fainted outside Mr Biggs and soon a crowd formed
around him to see.A passer-by suggested,"give him some
water, it will help".The man heard this and opened one
eye and replied,"commot from here,Na only water dem

2. dey sell here.If na water I wan drink,I for go faint for
water board"....
An Ibo man was converted to Islam, after all said and
done; he was asked what name he would like to bear, he
was given options of Ibrahim (Abraham), Suleiman
(Solomon), Musa (Moses) and others. He asked what
good were the names, then the Imam told him that if u
choose any name there will be hope that God will bless
you the way he blessed those with the names originally,
then the Ibo man asked: "how about Dangote"?
Husband comes home from Church, greets his wife, lifts
her up and carries her around the house.The wife is so
surprised and asks smiling,"did the Pastor preach about
being romantic"? Out of breath the husband replies, "No,
he said we must carry our burdens..."
Pastor: Turn to ur left and say to your neighbour 'it shall
be permanent in ur life'. A young boy turned to his left
and saw an imbecile. Apparently confused, he stared at
the imbecile for some minutes and said to him ''don't mind
the pastor''. The imbecile replied ''na God save u, I for use
slap kill you today!

3. A lady told a guy she just met that she is a graduate and
the guy said "so what is next, NYSC right"? She said: "no I
don't like that because there is too much calculation
involved.....
A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks
with his wife and he says, “I love you". She asks, “Is that
you or the beer talking?”. He replies, “It’s me….. talking to
the beer.”.
Parishioner, my dog is dead. Could there be a service for
the poor creature?” Pastor replied, "No, we cannot have
service for an animal in the church. But there is a new
church down the road. Maybe...they will do something for
the animal". The man answered “Pastor, but do you
think they will accept a donation of US $250,000 in return
for the burial service? Pastor exclaimed, “Sweet Jesus!
Why didn’t u tell me d dog was a christian
A beautiful girl was giving a pedicure to a man who is also
getting a shave at a salon.The man says "what about a
date later?"."Am married" she replied.The man said: "so?
call your husband and tell him you are going to visit a
girlfriend"She said "u should tell him yourself, he is
shaving you".

4. A House girl went to Church on a sunday service and the
pastor preaching now ask "If you know you want to go to
Heaven raise up your hand" everybody did except the girl.
So an Usher beside her asked "U no wan go Heaven?,
Why you no raise up your Hand?"The Girl answered: "My
madam say if we don close for Church make i no go
anywhere.
Juliet: hey suzan, i just got my BlackBerry oooh... i'll buy
my pin next week.
Suzan: U try o! Me i don dash jane my own...
Juliet: why?
Suzan: bcos BlackBerry don taya me, nw na BB i dey use.
Juliet: is ur BB samsung or nokia?
Suzan: no, itz Sony Ericsson.
Juliet: okay, just give me your pin so i can call u.
Susan: eyaaaa... am sorry, i left my pin at home. U knw
its not safe walkin around with your pin, e fit choke u!
A chick sent this text to her lover."if u are sleepin, send
me your dreams; if ur laughing, send me your laugh; if
you are crying, send me your tears"; if u are eating send
me ur food; even if you are using your ATM send me the
money. D ibo boy replied,"I dey toilet, be
expectant.

5. An igbo man fell into a well and was screaming for help.
The wife came with a rope to help, the Igbo man looked
at the rope and said: "how much did you buy the rope"?
The wife said "1000 naira". Still inside the well, he
shouted. "What! Return it now now, go to papa Emeka at
the 4th street he sells it for 300naira. Hurry up! before I
die here ohhh".
Husband: I have a problem at the office.
Wife: After marriage, you don't say I have a problem, say
we have a problem.
Husband: Ok, We are expecting a baby from OUR
Secretary
A guy was gisting his friend - I told her : " I might not be
rich, I have no money or villa or cars or companies like my
friend John, but I love you and adore you". She looked at
me with tears in her eyes and hugged me like there is no
tomorrow and whispered in my ear........ : If you love me
introduce me to John...."
Yoruba teacher to an Ibo boy struggling with Yoruba
language.
Teacher: Translate this sentence to Yoruba
language
"The two bank robbers."

6. Student: Ummm, mmm "The meji bank ole."
Teacher: You mean Dimeji Bankole!