1. Writing Workshop Series
Concise Writing
How not to use a needlessly excessive amount of words to write or compose what you really
want to express or communicate when you have a whole lot to write or compose…
Presenter: Rachael Walker Date: October 1, 2015
18. Focus on What Readers Want and Need
Level of understanding
19. Focus on What Readers Want and Need
Level of understanding
Level of detail
20. Focus on What Readers Want and Need
Level of understanding
Level of detail
High-level understanding
21. Focus on What Readers Want and Need
Level of understanding
Level of detail
High-level understanding
More detail
22. Focus on What Readers Want and Need
Level of understanding
Level of detail
High-level understanding
More detail
Low-level understanding
23. Focus on What Readers Want and Need
Level of understanding
Level of detail
High-level understanding
More detail
Low-level understanding
Less detail
25. Focus on What Readers Want and Need
Possible reactions
26. Focus on What Readers Want and Need
Possible reactions
Receptive readers
27. Focus on What Readers Want and Need
Possible reactions
Receptive readers
Less detail
28. Focus on What Readers Want and Need
Possible reactions
Receptive readers
Less detail
Skeptical readers
29. Focus on What Readers Want and Need
Possible reactions
Receptive readers
Less detail
Skeptical readers
Even explanations
30. Focus on What Readers Want and Need
Possible reactions
Receptive readers
Less detail
Skeptical readers
Even explanations
Hostile readers
31. Focus on What Readers Want and Need
Possible reactions
Receptive readers
Less detail
Skeptical readers
Even explanations
Hostile readers
Soothing words
33. Necessary Information
Repetition
The internal audit department has adopted a risk-based approach to each
audit. A risk-based approach to internal auditing is a best practice in the field
of internal auditing. Using a risk-based approach, we first work with the audit
client to identify the overall risks within the process. Next, we develop a rating
based on the likelihood of the risk occurring and the potential impact of a risk
event. We then focus on the internal audit on the highest risk areas as
identified by the department’s risk-based approach to the internal auditing.
39. Word Economy
Habitual expressions
In order to prevent errors in order
processing, four specific changes will
be made in the procedures.
The department is in the process of
revising the personnel manual.
43. Word Economy
Redundancies
The manager returned the report back to the finance department for changes.
The changes will build on the self-assessment foundation that is already in place.
44. Word Economy
Redundancies
The manager returned the report back to the finance department for changes.
The changes will build on the self-assessment foundation that is already in place.
Three separate electrical poles are located in close proximity to the emergency exit
45. Word Economy
Redundancies
The manager returned the report back to the finance department for changes.
The changes will build on the self-assessment foundation that is already in place.
Three separate electrical poles are located in close proximity to the emergency exit
Changes require advance notice.
49. Word Economy
There is…
There were errors in the credit
verification reports.
There were two reasons given for the
lack of documentation.
50. Word Economy
There is…
There were errors in the credit
verification reports.
There were two reasons given for the
lack of documentation.
There are instances in which the lack
of duplicate-payment controls
resulted in vendor overpayments.
54. Word Economy
Noun constructions
In 2010, the Board gave consideration to merging the two divisions.
The consultant made a recommendation for ways to begin the documentation of the Sarbanes-Oxley
project.
55. Word Economy
Noun constructions
In 2010, the Board gave consideration to merging the two divisions.
The consultant made a recommendation for ways to begin the documentation of the Sarbanes-Oxley
project.
We recommend the department undertake revisions in the task descriptions used to provide training
to new employees.
56. Word Economy
Noun constructions
In 2010, the Board gave consideration to merging the two divisions.
The consultant made a recommendation for ways to begin the documentation of the Sarbanes-Oxley
project.
We recommend the department undertake revisions in the task descriptions used to provide training
to new employees.
Our goal is the creation of a new Standards Division.
57. Word Economy
Noun constructions
In 2010, the Board gave consideration to merging the two divisions.
The consultant made a recommendation for ways to begin the documentation of the Sarbanes-Oxley
project.
We recommend the department undertake revisions in the task descriptions used to provide training
to new employees.
Our goal is the creation of a new Standards Division.
When implemented, this new plan will produce a reduction in employee theft.
58. Word Economy
Noun constructions
In 2010, the Board gave consideration to merging the two divisions.
The consultant made a recommendation for ways to begin the documentation of the Sarbanes-Oxley
project.
We recommend the department undertake revisions in the task descriptions used to provide training
to new employees.
Our goal is the creation of a new Standards Division.
When implemented, this new plan will produce a reduction in employee theft.
Our department submitted an application for funds from the budget surplus.
62. Word Economy
Active voice
It is believed by the Board that a cap
must be placed on the budget by vote.
It was earlier demonstrated by Brown
that heart attacks can be caused by high
stress.
66. Word Economy
Active voice
When should you use passive?
To emphasize action
After long debate, the proposal was endorsed by the committee.
67. Word Economy
Active voice
When should you use passive?
To emphasize action
After long debate, the proposal was endorsed by the committee.
Consistent subject and focus
68. Word Economy
Active voice
When should you use passive?
To emphasize action
After long debate, the proposal was endorsed by the committee.
Consistent subject and focus
The data processing department presented a proposal to expand its staff.
After long debate, the proposal was endorsed by the committee.
72. Word Economy
Active voice
Unknown or unimportant actor
Every year, thousands of people are diagnosed as having cancer.
Authoritative tone
73. Word Economy
Active voice
Unknown or unimportant actor
Every year, thousands of people are diagnosed as having cancer.
Authoritative tone
Visitors are not allowed after 9:00 p.m.
74. Word Economy
Active voice
Unknown or unimportant actor
Every year, thousands of people are diagnosed as having cancer.
Authoritative tone
Visitors are not allowed after 9:00 p.m.
Tact
75. Word Economy
Active voice
Unknown or unimportant actor
Every year, thousands of people are diagnosed as having cancer.
Authoritative tone
Visitors are not allowed after 9:00 p.m.
Tact
The procedures were misinterpreted.
76. Word Economy
Active voice
Unknown or unimportant actor
Every year, thousands of people are diagnosed as having cancer.
Authoritative tone
Visitors are not allowed after 9:00 p.m.
Tact
The procedures were misinterpreted.
83. Word Economy
Wordy verbs
The managers are not listening to
employee complaints.
The new owner will be meeting with
each of you.
84. Word Economy
Wordy verbs
The managers are not listening to
employee complaints.
The new owner will be meeting with
each of you.
The company is planning to expand
into Texas.
106. Word Economy
Vague nouns
Consumer demand is rising in the
area of services.
Understanding dividends is
important factor in this business.
107. Word Economy
Vague nouns
Consumer demand is rising in the
area of services.
Understanding dividends is
important factor in this business.
The situation with the merger is
looking bleak.
111. Word Economy
Noun strings
The city could certainly use a fleet of
public operation transportation
vehicles.
MHS has a hospital employee
relations improvement program.
112. Word Economy
Noun strings
The city could certainly use a fleet of
public operation transportation
vehicles.
MHS has a hospital employee
relations improvement program.
The company is considering branching
into electromagnetic radiation assistive
astronomical technology.
127. Word Economy
Adverbs
The new division performed really
badly this quarter.
The IT department was forced to
quickly race to the site that had the
crashing server.
128. Word Economy
Adverbs
The new division performed really
badly this quarter.
The IT department was forced to
quickly race to the site that had the
crashing server.
Verb strength
132. Word Economy
Prepositional Phrases
We will be deferring to the opinion
of the working group.
The obvious effect of such a range
of reference material is to assure
management of the completeness
of the report.
147. Word Economy
Inflated words
Three-quarters of those surveyed answered in the affirmative.
We should formulate an alternative plan in the event that the stockholders
impeach the president.
148. Word Economy
Inflated words
Three-quarters of those surveyed answered in the affirmative.
We should formulate an alternative plan in the event that the stockholders
impeach the president.
In view of the fact that solar energy is not yet fully developed at the present time,
we will have to continue utilizing fossil fuels well into the next century.
149. Word Economy
Inflated words
Three-quarters of those surveyed answered in the affirmative.
We should formulate an alternative plan in the event that the stockholders
impeach the president.
In view of the fact that solar energy is not yet fully developed at the present time,
we will have to continue utilizing fossil fuels well into the next century.
The report recommended a substantial reduction in the remuneration received by
the vice-presidents.
150. Word Economy
Inflated words
Three-quarters of those surveyed answered in the affirmative.
We should formulate an alternative plan in the event that the stockholders
impeach the president.
In view of the fact that solar energy is not yet fully developed at the present time,
we will have to continue utilizing fossil fuels well into the next century.
The report recommended a substantial reduction in the remuneration received by
the vice-presidents.
The new project is designed to institute improvements in taste.
152. Word Economy
Inflated words
Prior to the time when the chairman of the board submitted his resignation,
stockholders were of the opinion that it was time for a change.
153. Word Economy
Inflated words
Prior to the time when the chairman of the board submitted his resignation,
stockholders were of the opinion that it was time for a change.
In the event that the photo lab cannot accommodate the increased work load, it is
within the realm of possibility that their facility will be enlarged.
154. Word Economy
Inflated words
Prior to the time when the chairman of the board submitted his resignation,
stockholders were of the opinion that it was time for a change.
In the event that the photo lab cannot accommodate the increased work load, it is
within the realm of possibility that their facility will be enlarged.
The chemicals exhibit a tendency to accumulate in the liver.
155. Word Economy
Inflated words
Prior to the time when the chairman of the board submitted his resignation,
stockholders were of the opinion that it was time for a change.
In the event that the photo lab cannot accommodate the increased work load, it is
within the realm of possibility that their facility will be enlarged.
The chemicals exhibit a tendency to accumulate in the liver.
It has been shown by Smith and Brown that high-speed neutrons retard the spoilage.
156. Word Economy
Inflated words
Prior to the time when the chairman of the board submitted his resignation,
stockholders were of the opinion that it was time for a change.
In the event that the photo lab cannot accommodate the increased work load, it is
within the realm of possibility that their facility will be enlarged.
The chemicals exhibit a tendency to accumulate in the liver.
It has been shown by Smith and Brown that high-speed neutrons retard the spoilage.
Building a microcomputer involves the necessity of packing thousands of
components on microscopic chips of silicon.
158. Activity
Dear neighbour,
Our manufacturing establishment will be opening a new store in the neighbourhood of your home in the near
future. In the event that you are not already familiar with ABC Shoes, we would like to place emphasis on the
advantages of wearing our shoes.
We are of the opinion that we manufacture the highest quality shoes possible. In addition, our shoes carry a one
year guarantee. In the event that you are not completely satisfied with out shoes, we will, without delay, repair or
replace them without charge. Our policy is not without misinterpretation. We have never refused to repair or
replace a pair of ABC shoes, up until this time.
Your attention is called to the fact that in time past, we have found it impossible to offer our customers shoes at
sale prices. At the moment, however, we are in the position to offer you an extremely excellent bargain. From
October 16 - October 31, the enclosed coupon will enable you to buy any pair of shoes in our new store at a
20% discounted price.
Do not fail to bear in mind that this sale will not proceed after the 31st of October. Visit our new ABC Shoes
Stores in the near future. There is no doubt that you will be pleased with our products and our services.
Yours truly,
Melvin Shoemaker
Sales Manager