1. Dear Commander-in-Chief
Happy happy,
I must admit it was cold out there, but
thanks for bringing me back in. Your
ring of steel is assured. I've got your
back, like Obama has Israel's. There
just a few loose ends that need to be
bound and gagged but otherwise no
one will touch you on the road to
Mangaung.
Salute,
Future Police Commissioner
Richard

2. Hi Jacob,
I thought about tweeting you this
birthday wish, but let’s face it I’m much
more of a rock star than you are. BTW
MaKhumalo is really funny. You should
follow her.
So 70 hey? How does it feel? Have you
had enough yet? You know I’m keen.
Anyway, all the best – or worst…
whatever.
Sincerely,
Helen

3. Dear not-my-President,
Thanks for the flowers while I was in
hospital. How did you know tulips were my
favourite?
Happy birthday.
While I appreciate your “intervention” in my
province, I think it’s time you call off your
dogs now. It’s a little too much don’t you
think? I can’t even access lunch money.
Come visit some time. If not, see you in
Mangaung.
Yours in the power struggle,
Cassel
PS. Can you help me out with the insurance excess?

4. Dear Mr President,
While I stand by my recent criticism of your
leadership, I am man enough to still wish you
well on your 70th birthday. You really need to
do something about Uncle Gwede though. I’m
tempted to put a stop to his overdraft, if it will
help.
I know I speak for all business leaders as I wish
you a happy birthday because, let’s face it, no
one else has the balls to speak up.
I’ve come in for a lot of praise in recent days and
my stock price has risen quite nicely. I have you
to thank for being, how shall we put this, less
than competent.
Some would say “incompetent” – I wouldn’t
Some would say “useless” – not me.
Some would say “dictator” – well…
Best wishes,
Reuel
PS. If you need a loan, you know what to do.

5. Happy birthday Mr President,
This is probably the last time anyone calls you
that on your birthday, so savour it. Gugu and I
wish you well on your imminent retirement.
Contrary to the T-shirts I have no designs on
your presidency. I have no idea where Julius, the
media and everyone else are getting this from,
but that shit you pulled with the Top Six briefing
– it wasn’t funny, cut it out.
See you in Mangaung.
Best wishes,
Kgalema Motlanthe

6. and wa sam’
Hey Sth
Long time no see. Since you’re jetting
off more than Thabo these days I
thought I’d send you a card to say
happy birthday. It’s hard to keep
track of you so I’m following you on
Twitter, but my love you’re really
boring. That Helen Zille is so funny.
You should be more like her.
Hope you can find time soon for me,
and our new brood of chickens.
Miss you.
XOXO
Your loving wife No. 1

7. Dear Comrade,
We've come a long way, so happy birthday
and congrats on reaching 70. Who would have
thought?
Back in the day our roads weren't littered with
toll gates, our people were gainfully employed
in the struggle and the alliance was tighter than
a labour broker's ass. Now our people are
unemployed and frankly, we're bored.
I hope we can work out our differences soon;
for your sake before Mangaung. There are
times when I feel we understand each other,
but then there are times when I feel I need to
crowd surf in the Jo’burg CBD to get your
attention. What's the deal?
Anyway, see you in Mangaung or at the next
toll gate.
Yours,
Zwelinzima

8. Dear Outgoing President,
I know we’ve had our differences in the
past… Ok, it was just last week. Sorry
about that whole “dictator” thing.
At 70 don’t you think it’s time you called
it a day?
As President I mean, not in life.
Give someone younger a chance. We could
work on a rotation, you know
Kgalema-Tokyo-Mathews-Fikile-Me.
What do you say?
Enjoy the festivities.
I must have missed your invitation.
Lovies,
Juju