PDFs and images of the 2011 S.C. Press Association Weekly and Associate Member News Contest winners. Part 3 of 4.

1. HUMOR COLUMN WRITING
Weekly Under 6,000 Division
THIRD PLACE Ask not for whom
the horn blows ...
Beep! Beep!
No such thing
as a free lunch
"There's a sucker born every minute"
Honk! - P.T. Barnum
Beep!
It began innocently enough.
Union County News
The blare of car horns reverberates between
the glass windows that flank the entrance to our I was browsing my Facebook page when I ran
office on Main Street. Patsy Eubanks turns and across a posting for Subway sandwiches
looks back at me from her desk coupons. Never one to turn down free food, I
and grins; she knows how much clicked on it and was instructed to type "I love
the noise irritates me. It bothers Subway" on my Facebook wall. Next, I clicked
her, too, but not as much as it on the Subway icon, thinking I
does me. might gain access to $100 worth
Graham Williams
Some of the horn blowing is of coupons for chicken, bacon,
necessary -- people sometimes ranch sandwiches and other
back out of their parking spaces favorites. Instead, I found myself
without looking and oncoming staring at a page full of promo-
Graham traffic has to alert them. tions for Wal-Mart gift cards,
Occasionally, a vehicle's anti- insurance, on-line college degrees
Williams theft alarm will be triggered and
and the list went on and on.
the horn will honk and honk and I clicked on the return button,
honk until the owner disables it. Graham attempting to back out of this
Other times, however, people honk their horns
to get someone's attention -- either a pedestrian
or another driver, in which case that person h
Williams maze of special offers, but the
harder I tried, the worse things
H
honks their horn in return.
got.
Beep! Beep! I can't recall exactly what I did to escape, but
g within minutes after doing so, my phone began s
Honk! a f
Beep! to alert me to incoming text messages.
One recent Friday afternoon Patsy and I must "Want a Wal-Mart gift card? Text yes" was i
have heard about a dozen horns honk during a the first one. I texted no.
four-hour period. No sooner would I reply no to one offer,
You'll never hear my honking my car horn -- I Another would appear. I spent several embar-
had it disconnected earlier this year because it rassing minutes at my desk, trying to stop those
wouldn't stop blowing. bothersome messages while explaining to my
At first it was just a nuisance -- the horn co-workers why my phone was making so
would blow with the slightest touch and I had much noise.
to hit it really hard to make it stop. Then it Just when I thought the problem was solved,
began blowing at all hours of the night, espe- the phone rang. It was someone calling to ask
cially when I was sound asleep. me if I wanted insurance. They said they were I
I would run down the hall, race down the replying to my Internet request. I explained to
stairs and out the front door to the car before them that all I was trying to do was get a
slamming my fist on the middle of the steering B
coupon for a Subway sandwich - that I wasn't
wheel. By this time, every dog in the neighbor- o interested in getting insurance. They accepted
hood was barking. N my explanation and hung up, but that wasn't the h
The final straw came last year when I was on r end of it.
vacation at Pawleys Island. The car was parked t
beneath the house, right below my bedroom. I'll bet I've received at least one call a day
r from someone asking me if I am interested in
Around 3:30 a.m., those dual horns began blar- o b
ing, snatching me out of a deep sleep. I ran an online degree or insurance. It's really getting
o on my nerves.
through the house and out the front door, t
hopped down the front steps and danced across Just last week, I was driving through i
t t
the gravel to my car, hit the steering wheel and w Spartanburg when my phone rang.
stopped the horn. T “Graham Williams? I understand you are
It was then I realized the door had locked a interested in an online degree,” the caller said.
behind me and I was wearing nothing by my t “No, I already have a degree,” I replied. “I
b h t j tt i t t f f y

2. HUMOR COLUMN WRITING
Weekly Under 6,000 Division
Stone Stew
BY DAN BROWN My first thought, “Holy
crud, they aren’t kidding.
I
visited a small town coun- There are rocks in this stew.”
try restaurant recently Very discreetly I wipe my
offering rural Southern mouth and spit the offending
fare. I noticed what looked to gravel into my napkin. I take
be beef stew simmering in a a peek.
pot under the counter. There aren’t any stones, but
SECOND PLACE
“What’s that?” I inquire instead…
with a curious waggle of an Vertebrae.
index finger, wanting to I regard my plate and notice
appear open minded in regard lots more vertebrae, almost an
to the local cuisine as I was entire spinal column of tiny
not a local and this was my vertebrae in fact.
first visit. Something in my stomach
In fact, I was probably the starts to
first non-local to visit this fine curdle at
establishment since the thought
Reconstruction, but I wasn’t that I’m
going to let that stop me. eating the
“Stone Stew,” the guy backbone
behind the counter says. of a small-
Driving in Dayton Interesting name.
Looks like beef stew to me,
but who was I to argue
ish animal.
I poke
BY DAN BROWN panel or two, a side view mirror around the
and definitely a coat of paint. semantics? So I order up a
bed of rice and notice some
double heaping of Stone
I
wouldn’t wish driving in I just close my eyes and floor spinal column matter, bone
Dayton, Ohio on my worst it. Stew.
marrow, a little fat for flavor,
“You sure?” the guy behind
Surviving an enemy.
Talk about a recurring night-
The tractor-trailer next to me
is so close the counter asks with a sur-
and I calculate how fast I can
run out of here before they
The Berkeley Independent
mare. There is lots of asphalt, the driver is prised frown.
sitting in Which should have served notice I’m gone.
lots of orange cones, lots of
alien attack orange drums, retaining walls,
dump trucks, shovels, front-end
loaders and ODOT road work-
my front
passenger
seat.
as my first warning, but me
being of the obtuse discipline
did not recognize his inquiry
I can’t eat this. It’s back-
bone.
“You enjoying your Stone
BY DAN BROWN the blinds to see. You will be ers standing around in the sum- Up ahead Stew, sugar?” the proprietor
as such.
vaporized into powder. mer sun, but nobody’s working. I see anoth- asks in the sweetest Southern
Those lights mask alien “You ever eat Stone Stew
I remember watching the Talking to Dayton residents, er caution grandmamma tone of voice
roiling gray clouds collide probes and those alien probes before?”
not much has happened on this sign posted That should have served as imaginable.
overhead as storm systems are looking for something on 10-mile stretch of Interstate 75 above the
converged over downtown which to complete their my second warning. For this woman I’d eat
for the past 30 years. Road highway. It reads: WARNING: “Okay,” he says and ladles asphalt.
Atlanta during the Braves’ assigned function in the inva- crews have been working (or NEEDMORE ROAD exit?
game on Father’s Day week- sion: TO PROBE. on two heaping spoonfuls of And I did. I ate it all. To be
not working) on widening this mile.
end. Which means, you. the Stone Stew. “Since this is honest it didn’t taste bad.
stretch of I-75 since I moved Now that’s the most intelli-
Dan Brown
My daughter made the They are the PROBERS. You from Indiana to Georgia back in gent thing I’ve read all day. your first time I’ll give you “So, what’s in this Stone
remark that it reminded her of are the PROBEE. 1981 and they look no closer to No kidding, they need more lots.” Stew anyway?” I inquire as I
the movie Independence Day, R u l e being done now than they were road. He chuckles a little. sop up the last of the broth
when the gigantic alien ships Number 3: back then. I do, though, see a road below It’s the chuckle that you’d with a biscuit. “I want to try
emerged from the cloudbanks Do not… As traffic approaches down- the fray. It’s called Third Street. hear following a good joke, this recipe at home.”
to begin their invasion of and I repeat town Dayton, a sign advises us It’s beautiful, like a mirage in only I didn’t tell any joke. Genuine surprise registers
Earth. … Do not that the current three lanes in the desert almost, with wide I’m thinking the stew looks on the woman’s face, which
That’s when it hit me. If get on that which we are driving would lanes, painted lines, landscaping a little thin as he pours it over
rescue heli- should have served as my
Earth is ever invaded, could we split off, with one lane veering and working stoplights. It the rice, but hey, who am I to
survive an alien attack? copter. third and final warning.
off indiscriminately to the left shows motorists what a real scoff at this establishment’s “Well,” she begins with a
As if. I don’t while the other two lanes head Dayton, Ohio road should look fine food? When in Rome, nod that says, I did ask. “The
We’d be in some deep trou- care how right. Not sure why we did that, like. This road definitely has you know? key is to get fine quality pig-
ble. Basically, toast. many bones other than maybe to give the edge lines.
are protruding from your leg. As I start to eat I notice there
Aliens from outer space have people driving in the far left It’s also closed. tail and to do that you need to
invaded Earth for years and No sooner than that chopper are lots of eyes watching me.
lane a nice little tour of town You can’t get there from here. go straight to the slaughter-
they didn’t travel all this way lifts off it will get shot out of Perhaps it had been a while
while the rest of us languish on I can hear the distant screams house…”
to shop at Stuckey’s. They the sky. It will blow up. since they had seen a city boy
the right side of the road. of motorists begging to drive on I didn’t hear anymore after
came to take over and you Whoever was inside is now this far out in the country. Or
Eventually we rejoin and are that road. It haunts us. that.
stand in their way. toast. Burnt toast. maybe my fly was open
welcomed with a pair of caution As I clear downtown Dayton I visualized the pigtail, and
The big question remains, Rule Number 4: Leave the again. I check as discreetly as
signs reading, “RIGHT LANE I’m presented with a wonder- then I remembered growing
how do we survive an alien exoskeleton alone. ENDS,” and “NO EDGE fully landscaped four-leafed- possible and discover the fly
attack? Do not examine the exoskele- option is engaged. up and how I’m coming in
LINES.” clover interchange intersecting from a day playing outside
The answer has evaded ton. Do not try to pry open the No edge what? with I-70 that sends me into a I have no reason to doubt the
humans since the War of the exoskeleton to get a peek at the tasty goodness of their Stone and my mom tells me to be
What’s an edge line anyway? 400-degree turn. Afterwards, I
Worlds’ radio broadcast on withered and dying little alien Stew so I dig in. sure to wipe my feet on the
And why aren’t there any? emerge pointed in the same
Oct. 30, 1938 that sent the inside. Yes, he is butt-ugly. If I soon find out what an edge direction I had started. That’s when I bite down on back porch doormat.
world into a frenzy, horrified he weren’t would he be wear- line isn’t as the three lanes of I- For comparative purposes just something hard. Then I do the math …
that a Martian invasion was ing an exoskeleton? 75 bottleneck into about a lane spin around in a circle two or
happening right before their He will also rip out your and a half and there is just a three times and you’ll know
eyes – I mean, ears. brain at the stem if given the crooked white stripe designat- what I mean. Dizzy yet?
Nazi Germany stood poised chance. ing lane assignments. This is like NASCAR.
to invade Poland and start Rule Number 5: Who made And for fun ODOT threw in a Hey, if you’re going to
World War II and Americans you ambassador to the stars? pair of high retaining walls on corkscrew me like the least you
were freaking out over No one designated you as each side to serve as de facto can do is bank the turn.
invaders from Mars. See why Earth’s personal welcoming edge lines. As I leave the great state of
we are in need of some guide- committee so why would you I have to pass through that? Ohio 24 miles later I am pre-
lines here? be the moron to approach the You got to be kidding. There’s sented with a wonderfully sce-
These basic rules will help spaceship that just landed in the no way. nic arch spanning the interstate
you survive in the event of an park to welcome these strangers That’s like handing me a pair wishing me safe travels and to
alien attack. Read them. Learn from afar in the name of peace? of size 36-inch pants and say- come back soon.
them. Know them. Isn’t the swirling mist and ing, “Here, put these on.” To me this arch screams, “The
Rule Number 1: This is not strange lights enough of a warn- Not going to happen, at least reasons our roads stink is
E.T. ing? Did you not read and heed not without the Jaws of Life. because we blew all our DOT
He is not cute. He is not a Rule Number 2? You are mere- The only way I fit through that money on this stupid archway.”
toy. And you are not named opening is minus a quarter Figures.
ly an opportunity to test their
Elliott. He is an alien and he
death ray to see if it actually
will dine on your entrails for
works.
sure.
This is the Mutant Horde Alien Number One:
from the Ninth Galactic Humanoid subject at three
Swarm we’re talking about o’clock.
here not some Yoda looking Alien Number Two: What a
dwarf with a glow in the dark moron. Shall we test the death
chest that says “E.T. phone ray?
home,” when you pull the Alien Number One: We
string, on sale at Toys R Us for need to if this invasion is going
$29.99. to work. Fire up the dilitheum
This foreign gnome will zap crystals, Xorak.
you with his death ray at the You: We welcome you in the
first available opportunity, so name of pea—
grab that shovel and pitchfork Death Ray: ZZZZZZZZZA-
and make like an angry mob. APPPPPPP!
Rule Number 2: If you see You: Toast.
swirling flashing lights outside Mutant Horde of the Ninth
your window in the middle of Galactic Swarm: Let the inva-
the night, do not peek between sion begin!

3. HUMOR COLUMN WRITING A8 | Thursday, August 25, 2011
Weekly Under 6,000 Division An accident of geography?
There are it appears
certain inci- from the
dents that can JIM McGOWAN paperwork
only occur in harmonycounty@sc.rr.com that we
specific places. have a bar
If the State of owner who
California is believes in
|
FIRST PLACE
mentioned the HARMONY COUNTY _ the power
word, ‘weird’ of prayer,
comes immedi- and an en-
ately to mind followed by a tire church congregation
shrug that seems to mean, that now does not.”
‘What did you expect’. Say So what is your guess?
New Jersey and scenes from You are right, it happened in
the TV program, “Sopranos” Mt. Vernon, Texas.
and heavily accented “Youse You have to admire your
guys” remarks are mentally residents of the Lone Star
heard. State. When it comes to out-
Lexington County Chronicle
After you read the story landish, the Texans seemed
below see if you can figure to have cornered the mar-
out where it occurred. ket.
“Drummond’s Bar began So let me leave you with a
construction on expansion good Texas joke.
of their building to increase A Texas millionaire had
their business. fallen ill. The doctors con-
& The Dispatch News
In response, the local sulted did not seem to un-
Baptist Church started a derstand what ailed him.
campaign to block the bar The millionaire let it be
from expanding with peti- known that any doctor who
tions and prayers. Work pro- could heal him could have
gressed right up until the whatever he desired. A
week before the grand re- country doctor was finally
Jim McGowan
opening when a huge thun- able to cure him, and as the
derstorm came up, lightning doctor was leaving after a
struck the bar, and it burned week’s stay, the Texan said,
to the ground. “Doc! I am a man of my
“After the bar burning to word. You name it, and if it
the ground by a lightning is humanly possible, I will
strike, the church folks were get it for you.”
rather smug in their out- “‘Well,” said the doctor, “I
look, bragging about “the love to play golf, so if I could
power of prayer”, until the have a matching set of golf
bar owner sued the church clubs, that would be fine.”
on the grounds that the With that, the physician
church “was ultimately re- left. The doctor did not hear
sponsible for the demise of from the Texan millionaire
his building, either through for some months. Then,
direct or indirect actions or one day, he got a phone call
means.” from the millionaire.
In its reply to the court, “Doc, I bet you thought
the church vehemently de- that I had gone back on my
nied all responsibility or any word. I have your matching
connection to the building’s set of golf clubs. The rea-
demise. son it took so long is that
The judge read the plain- two of them did not have
tiff’s complaint and the de- swimming pools, and I did
fendant’s reply, and at the not think they were good
opening hearing he com- enough for y’all. So I had
mented “I don’t know how pools installed and they’re
I’m going to decide this, but ready for you now!”

4. HUMOR COLUMN WRITING
Weekly Over 6,000 Division
THIRD PLACE
The Columbia Star
Mike Maddock

5. HUMOR COLUMN WRITING
Weekly Over 6,000 Division
The hips don’t lie
hakira’s got noth- So far, as I’ve chronicled seconds. I’ve found that out and find out if your
S ing on me. “I’m on
tonight. You know
my hips don’t lie,” she
my workouts, I have yet
to use the word Tabata.
The exercises we do are
the program works for
me. Shake up your work-
“hips don’t lie” too.
sang in her hit single of named after Izumi Tabata
2006. After assessing my of Japan, who created the
SECOND PLACE
measurements last week process. The basic idea is
at the halfway point of my to do an exercise for 20
Vance Campbell
fitness program at Greer seconds as hard as you
Athletic Club, my hips are can go, then rest for 10 and
an inch smaller. seconds and start all over
again. Charlene Waddell Campbell
When we do the
LIFE’S planned circuit in After- were married on
burn, we usually go for
A JOURNEY five minutes completing
two different exercises:
August , 
for example push-ups for
KRISTA 20 seconds, 10 seconds
GIBSON of rest, then directly into
reverse lunges for 20
seconds, 10 seconds rest.
After five minutes, we
The Greer Citizen
I may not have Shakira’s rest for one minute and
Not the pet I imagined
moves, but it’s nice to feel move to the next circuit.
a little room in my pants There are variations, but
and dresses. There is less that is the premise. Each
tugging going on and you workout is started with
might even catch me tuck- a dynamic warm-up and never thought that de-
ing in my shirt once in a
while. I also have smaller
thighs and my percent-
age of body fat has come
followed by a metabolic
boost, or as Lowcavage
loves to say, a “bonus
round”. The total session
I priving my two boys of
a dog while they were
growing up would lead
down. My arms have takes less than an hour, There will be a drop in reception the predicament I find
to on
myself in today.
definitely become more but your body continues August 27, 2011 I had my reasons for the
Krista Gibson
defined and muscular. to burn calories long after moratorium on dogs as
The scale continues to it’s over.
at Washington Baptist Church
pets in my home. First of
hover in the same range, Even if you aren’t ready 3500 N. Hwy 14, Greer, SC 29651 moved too often
all, we
but trainer Don Lowcav- to tackle the full workout, in the parlor. with my husband’s job
age isn’t worried. I can’t experiment the next time to provide the stability
say I’m worried either, but you are on the stationary This event will be from 2-4PM. needed. Also, they acted
the girl in me would love bike or elliptical machine. too much like puppies
to see lower numbers. At the end of your normal themselves to make me
No gifts please. Instead, give funds
It’s how us southern girls workout, take four min- to Washington Baptist Church Building Fundloss. My sons
feel the
were raised even if the utes and do eight sets of or Greer Community Ministries. found their own ways to
facts don’t back up our 20 seconds as hard as you damage furniture, pee on
All who want to attend are invited.
Bless Your Heart myth. can go, then rest for 10 floors and dirty the walls,
Access denied Let’s revisit my goals:
toning up, working on my
metabolic rate, and weight
all classic pet problems.
Don’t get me wrong; I
Engravable total pet Scrooge.
wasn’t a MANDY FERGUSON | THE GREER CITIZEN
watched former
loss. Bottom line: getting
into the best shape pos- NEW from Bracelet, Earrings three gerbils
We housed
and a guinea pig along
LANDSCAPING BY PEANUT: Peanut the pigmy goat frolicks through the back-
I Olympian Cathy Rigby
fly through the Peace
Center last week as she
LIFE’S
sible. With that in mind, I
set out on this journey.
A JOURNEY
Using high intensity “Southern Gates”
and Rings
the way, each adding a
measure of pleasure to
our lives. But attending
yard, left, and stretches in an attempt to reach the top leaves of the bushes in the yard.
The lower halves of the bushes are leaf-free because Peanut has eaten them all.
played the lead role in
“Peter Pan.” The effortless workouts with a mix of and presiding over their
KRISTA
weights and cardio, I’m
movement of the 59-year-
old was breathtaking. GIBSON
on my way after only six
small boxed funerals was
traumatic enough, I didn’t
LIFE’S A
In fact, I wanted to be
sprinkled with fairy dust
weeks. need the loss of a beloved JOURNEY
and head to Never Never kicking along the way and dog added to the mix
Land with her. I’d get a double workout of constantly changing
in on the way.
If hanging out with If I didn’t have to grow
elementary schools and KRISTA
friends.
up, I could still write, but GIBSON
the Lost Boys and not have to punch a clock One Thursday night in
to do it. I could take the October, my youngest
Wendy help me afternoon off to go to the son headed to the Tooter clippers later anyway. I
park and play. Town live animal auction give him treats when he
regain the rigors of But wait, when Peter
with friends. He came knocks his hoof against
took Wendy to Never
youth, I’m ready to Never Land, he asked if home with a pygmy goat. the door and looks at me
she would be his mother. Peanut the pygmy goat with his little goat eyes
fly. The Lost Boys, though now lives in our backyard while chewing his cud. I
free from growing up, still in a “dog” house. He graz- found an old blanket in
wanted to be tucked in at
If hanging out with the night. They also wanted es on grass and weeds the garage and told my
Lost Boys and Wendy help pockets sewn onto their and shrubs. He even ate son to put it in his house
me regain the rigors of clothes. all of those nasty little for him. I also wash the
youth, I’m ready to fly. I’m starting to think onion weeds that tend to blanket regularly.
Heck, I’ll even wear green Never Never Land is right
tights and pointy shoes. here in the south some-
sprout in droves in my I’m not looking forward
And maybe a little green where. After tucking all yard. I call it Landscaping to a hot summer and
hat to cover up those the boys in and sewing all by Peanut. the smells of the farm
white strands in my hair. the pockets, I wonder if He is not a dog. that will waft from the
In Never Never Land, there would be any time He cannot stay inside, goat domain that is our
no one ages. Perhaps it is left for me to stay young. MANDY FERGUSON | THE GREER CITIZEN
although he has made it backyard. I don’t think my
because the leader of the
island, Peter Pan, refuses
And think of all the crit-
ters and trinkets they in on several occasions. son really planned that LOVING PET: Krista Gibson pats Peanut on the head.
to grow up. He is very would put in their pock- He poops with unquali- far ahead. He fixed the Peanut can be just as affectionate as any other pet.
happy with his life and ets. They would all end fied regularity and in gate and found the house,
loves to crow about it. up in the laundry where I enormous amounts. bought food and filled up
I think we could all would have to keep them
learn a little from that. from drowning in the I’ve done my best not my Tupperware with it,
Of course it might be water and put them in a to get attached and, yet, I but beyond that, I guess
easier to like who we are place where they could be was the one who bought he figured it would work
if we could fly and had found again. him a sweater when the itself out. By the way, I
a place where we didn’t That sounds a little too temperatures dipped into replaced my plastic bowls
have to grow up. much like real life. But I
Flying would help solve think I’d take a chance the teens for the first with metal ones because
a world of ills. Gather up if the opportunity came time. Peanut promptly if I know one thing about
all those lovely thoughts my way. Hopefully, they peed all over his warm, goats, it’s this: they don’t
and off I would go to wouldn’t look at me and navy pullover. discriminate much when
work, leaving $3 a gallon assess the damage of ag-
gas behind. I wouldn’t ing and stamp my ticket
I’ve made him a “salad” it comes to putting things
have to wait for the train Access Denied. What from the leaves atop the in their mouth.
right outside our office would I have to crow bushes that he cannot Stay tuned. I feel sure
when I’m running late. A about then? reach and would have that more goat stories are
little arm flapping and leg been fodder for the hedge on the way.

6. HUMOR COLUMN WRITING
Weekly Over 6,000 Division
FIRST PLACE
The Moultrie News
Robin O’Bryant
10A.MOULTRIE NEWS ___________________________________ www.moultrienews.com ______________________________ Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Nothing sinks spirits faster than a floater
L
ast week my husband chubby little finger in the ter… then it happened. faster than a floater. ing,” he said.
and I attempted to middle of my fillet and say- A blood curdling scream I looked hopefully at my I ate the rest of my din-
celebrate our 13th ROBIN’S ing, “What’s that Momma? I echoed out of the bathroom. husband, who looked back ner alone and cleaned the
anniversary. The date of our CHICKS wanna bite”. My husband and I stopped and forth from me to his kitchen while he dressed
actual anniversary fell on a Robin O’Bryant The girls were playing eating and locked eyes in a dripping daughters, to his our daughters in pajamas
Monday, so on Sunday night happily in the tub, the look that said clearly, “Yep, last bite of steak. and voluntarily had the
Zeb suggested cooking a without constant adult steaks were plated and this is our life.” Our two old- “I’ll go,” he said, “but I’m most unpleasant task of
couple of steaks on the grill supervision. My plan was to butter was melting on the est daughters came tum- finishing my steak first.” cleaning out the bathtub.
for dinner. It sounded like let the girls play with their potatoes. Zeb and I sat bling out of the bathroom in I shooed the big girls into It may not be a dinner at
a great idea to me, so I stra- mermaid Barbies until their down to eat in relative their birthday suits, sopping the bathroom to get towels the fanciest restaurant in
tegically fed the kids dinner fingers and toes wrinkled silence. (I’m not counting wet. Water pooled at their and followed behind them town, a dozen roses or a
earlier than normal. while Zeb and I ate dinner, all the “HEY! That’s mines!” feet as they stood beside to retrieve my little trouble- shiny new ring, but a man
Right before the steaks interrupted only by an occa- that were coming from the me at the table, hysterically maker. I scooped Sadie out who is willing to clean poop
were ready, I got all three of sional trip to the bathroom bathroom.) We ate, trying talking at the same time and of the tub, careful to avoid out of the bathtub while you
our daughters ready for the to make sure their splash- to pace ourselves and to not trying to tell us what had the present she’d given the eat a fillet is worth keeping.
bathtub. We are in a sweet ing wasn’t getting out of shovel food in our mouths happened. entire family. By the time I
spot right now--our girls control. like Marines at chow time “Sadie pooped in the tub!” had towel dried each of the (Robin O’Bryant is a for-
are all still young enough I was excited by the idea in the middle of boot camp. They were finally able to girls, Zeb was in the bath- mer Mount Pleasant resi-
to bathe together but old of eating an entire meal The food was perfect and articulate. room. dent and mother of three.
enough to play in the tub without anyone poking their the company was even bet- Nothing kills a mood “I’ve got this, go finish eat- Visit www.robinschicks.com

7. HUMOR COLUMN WRITING
L EDGER C OLUMNIST
Weekly 2/3 Times Division A view of the world
from my front porch
When was the last time you sat on your front porch
with family or friends and just talked? For that matter,
do you even have a front porch?
In 2007, 62 percent of new homes had porches, up
THIRD PLACE
from 50 percent in 1999, according to the National
Association of Home Builders. The South and West are
the most porch-crazy regions, with the Midwest close
behind.The front porch
ranked higher than the
patio and rear porch on
buyers’ wish lists in the
NAHB’s “The New Home
in 2015” report.
Front porch scenes
were common on the
Andy Griffith Show. Andy,
Opie, Aunt Bea, Barney
and a myriad of others
The Gaffney Ledger
often spent time on
Andy’s front porch talking
about everything and
nothing. Their conversa-
tions usually started with
something rather innocu-
ous and drifted to some-
thing even less profound.
Cody Sossamon
Barney: “Hot, ain’t it.”
Andy: “Yes sirree. Can’t
remember it being this
hot.”
Barney: “Back in ’48 it CODY SOSSAMON
was hotter than this. You PUBLISHER
remember, Ange. We had
to buy fans so Otis wouldn’t have a heat stroke whilst he
was locked up. Don’t know what we’d do without fans.”
They then proceeded to discuss one thing or another,
drifting from one topic to another, with periods of silence
in between. Occasionally Opie would chime in, asking a
simple question such as “What’s a fan, pa?”
Remember, this was in the days before air condition-
ing so people sat outside on their porches where it was
cooler than inside the house. Television was in its infan-
cy, so folks found other ways to entertain themselves.
My parents used to spend a good bit of time sitting on
their front porch at 701 S. Petty St. and also when they
built a new home across the street at 602 S. Petty.
Front porch conversations in those days were not
much different that the ones Andy and Aunt Bea had.
Being on South Petty though, one could expect to see a
fair amount of traffic — drivers and walkers.
Depending on who drove or walked by, the conversa-
tion could change
quickly. Not that I
ever heard any mali-
cious gossip on our They then proceeded
front porch, but seeing to discuss one thing
a person could spark
some discourse about
or another, drifting
them or a family mem- from one topic
ber. to another,
Or a neighbor could with periods
be out working in their of silence in between.
yard and drop by dur-
Occasionally Opie
ing a break to join in
whatever happened to would chime in,
be the topic at the asking a simple
time. question such as
We’ve been sitting “Whatʼs a fan, pa?”
on our front porch a
fair amount lately.
i i i h ‘ ’

8. HUMOR COLUMN WRITING
Weekly 2/3 Times Division
SECOND PLACE
The Cherokee Chronicle

9. HUMOR COLUMN WRITING
Weekly 2/3 Times Division
FIRST PLACE
The Hartsville Messenger
Bob Sloan