1. Hey. I saw Avatar in 3 Dimensions! And now for something completely different, the
grammatically and politically incorrect cynical version…Basically there are these “big damn
trees” and super expensive minerals (and space cash, presumably) that us Americans need to
have right now, and only the blue humanoids – that we don’t even know and somehow hate –
stand in our righteous way.
This movie was a cross between The Matrix, Star Wars 5 and 6, Apocalypto, The Birds, Fern
Gully (man I want to watch it now, I feel like the life-tree in Avatar should have had a big red x
spray painted on it using some good old fashioned CFCs), the blue man group, Panzer Dragon
the game on Sega Saturn, and every other action movie with multi and single tracked wailing
tribal women.
According to this movie, there exist a broad spectrum of beings which – in the end –
harmoniously coexist in the universe, including: sassy and backtalky permanently fully suited
renegade sacrificial female dropship pilots, limp dick scientists, jarheads, morons, skinny blue
monsters, four-front-legged (LONG E) beasts, stone cold aerial hunters, ranger rick’s, pie-hole
talkers, peace-bringing warriors, trigger pullers, chemical gasers, flee bitten tree-dwelling
savages, scattered roaches, high and tight painbringers, and last but not least punchy and
angry scientists that also played the role of me in Grandma’s Boy.
This movie ultimately made many distinctions, among them: freakin’ daisy-cutters and pussy
tree huggers vs. pre-emptive attackers, the scar-faced vs. the blue and white stripe faced, the
blue peen of Dr. Manhattan vs. the blue asses of the avatars and their aslan-like dragon, those
with and without single-sided integrated ear spheres, those who "got them by the balls" and
them who simply don't, and those who would destroy sacred ferns vs. hippies and Ted and Al
Bundy.
I enjoyed the blue sideboobs, name labeled wheelchairs, imperial walkers with customized
sidearm paintjobs, fortified duo helicopter propellors – double and quadruple fitted of course
(Could we have done without these? Maybe, but what the hell lets spend $325 million on this
bitch!) Tag onto this the fact that the leaves were falling and the doors were opening in
RIVETING 3D shapes and sizes. What a luxury to finally be able to experience the 3 of D.
Things I learned: you can't maintain your radar (or your contrived premises) within the Vortex
while in perimeter to the Tree of Souls and the somehow floating continents because the Force
Flux will leave you wanting (Force Flux 5 is the name of my troupe, a FOX FORCE 5
subsidiary), always bring along your translator, your portable mobile avatar inputter, and be sure
to fill in every moment that would be silent and potentially have meaning with trite, futile, and
meaningless rhetoric. I also learned that big red dragons with two sets of wings and double
opposable triangle faces do indeed have the twirling helicopter throw in their arsenal, I didn’t just
dream that.
Clearly there's a lot going on here, SEE THIS MASTERPIECE OF CINEMA TODAY.
P.S. Movie produced by Dune Entertainment? Wtfs? Also, “No more Mr. Nice Spy” – CHUCK
S3 BROS. Furthermore, Sigourney Weaver’s character’s name is Grace, and they try to save
her. You could say they were SAVING GRACE?!??!? Well, she’s with the tree of souls now.
That’ll do Pig.