Highly entertaining and education programs from a hard-working crazy person that will help your staff relax about work and life balance, give better presentations, and write gooder.

1. program catalogue
2018

2. Bull Garlington has been writing entertaining, award-winning
stories and columns for newspapers, magazines, websites, and blogs
since 1988. He is the author of three books, short stories, radio plays,
and an unpublished musical that he thinks is pretty damn good if he
doesn’t say so himself.
Mr. Garlington is the founder of Creative Writer PRO, which provides
entertaining, engaging, unique content for small and very small
companies which fall under the budget radar of traditional agencies.
The following presentations are available through 2019

3. Books

4. T
he Full English is the hilarious story of a father’s failed attempt to
take his family on a once-in-a-lifetime trip to the United Kingdom, a
disastrous journey ruined by his stratospheric expectations, his inner
American, ennui fatigue, his wife’s meddling in his perfect plans, Alabama,
his children’s massive indifference, the Doctor Who experience, ginger
cookie-based chemical warfare, mimes, sheep, The Beatles, a hermetically
sealed bus full of the elderly, a militant librarian, and England’s classic
breakfast which consists almost entirely of canned beans.
This is not a guide book. It isn’t Fodor’s or a Lonely Planet guide. God
knows such literature would be quite helpful if you plan, like the author,
to take your family on an epic journey. The Full
English won’t. Not even a little. It will teach you
diddly squat about Jolly Olde England. Instead, it
will lead you deeper and deeper into the author’s
pervasive bad attitude, arrogant disregard for the
comfort of his fellow traveling companions, and a
sense of humor which is best described, and we’re
being diplomatic here, as juvenile, puerile, egotistical,
arrogant, narcissistic, and ever so slightly, just the
teensy-weensiest bit culturally insensitive and perhaps
borderline racist to Brits, Scots, Irish, Canadians, and
the Japanese.
You’ll watch helplessly as your author falls prey to
coach tour comforts and the narcoleptic effect of the U.K.'s endless supply
of roadside sheep, sleeping through 90% of his trip of a lifetime. You’ll be
on the edge of your seat as he rails against the Beatles and (for some reason)
Erskine Caldwell. Finally, you’ll rally alongside him as he prepares himself
for mortal combat, facing an enemy far beyond his skill set, the nemesis we
meet in the very beginning of the trip who menaces him every step of the
way, and whom he must, somehow, triumph over, the angriest librarian in
the world, the meanest old lady on the bus, and Garlington’s arch enemy:
Mildred.
The Full English is a Foreword Indies finalist for 2017’s humor book of the
year.
Time: 35 minutes from intro to end; 10 minutes for Q&A; 1/2 minute per attendee for
signing and selling books.
Includes: Slideshow, books, amusing presentation.
Cost: $250.00 plus parking; author sells books.
Re�ui�ements: Slideshow requires projector and wifi.
O�tions:
• Book Pre-purchase: One signed book per attendee, purchased at bulk rates by
client and delivered by the author.
• Breakfast Program: Client offers an actual Full English breakfast before program
(Bull will happily consult with caterers).
• Bagpipes: Author will locate a local bagpipist to punctuate jokes with noises from
their foul instrument.
• Literary Arts Program: Client purchases books through a local bookstore, donating
a number of book determined by the client to a local classroom literary program.
$25000

5. E
dgy, rude, self-deprecating and—most importantly—hilarious,
this collection of stories from Chicago Parent’s award-winning
column of the same name serves as uproarious evidence that
fatherhood is hard, often messy, and always life-altering work.
Where other parenting memoirs focus only on the diaper years, Death by
Children proves that a father’s job only gets more complicated as children
move into adolescence and prepare to leave the nest. Parents—and dads
in particular—will have no trouble recognizing their own daily struggles
in the humorous and engaging anecdotes gathered in this book, including
favorites “Happy Pulaski Day!,” “Poison Control Poster Child Training,” and
“Raised by Google.”
The column was awarded the Parenting Media Association’s Gold Award
for Best Humor Column of 2013, their Silver in 2012, and was a finalist in
2011.
The book was Foreword Indies Humor Book of the Year, 2013, and a 2013
humor book of the year finalist for the Midwest Independent Publisher’s
Association.
Time: 35 minutes from intro to end; 10 minutes for Q&A; 1/2 minute per
attendee for signing and selling books.
Includes: Slideshow, books, amusing presentation.
Cost: $250.00 plus $4.00 per attendee for a signed book; parking.
Re�ui�ements: Slideshow requires projector and wifi.
$25000

6. T
he Beat Cop’s Guide is np longer in print, but the arguments still
rage across this city, from tamale carts in Humboldt Park to the
Italian Beef Shops of the Northside, people still fight about what
makes Chicago’s Iconic food authentic. This loud, bombastic,
hilarious slideshow and interactive program pits Bull Garlington against his
best friend, co-author, and nemesis, Lt. David Haynes in the Great Chicago
Food Debate.
Like Lincoln and Douglas but for Pizza and Cheesy Beefs, Garlington and
Haynes rile the crowd up by making them choose sides and vote for each
segment to see who is right about how our city’s signature dishes ought to
be made.
It all ends with a rousing discussion of Hot Dogs, who makes the best ones,
and whether one should add ketchup.
Time: 35–45 minutes from intro to end; 15 minutes for Q&A; 1/2 minute per attendee
for signing and selling books.
Includes: Slideshow, books, amusing presentation.
Cost: $500.00; parking. Out of state travel costs negotiated per event.
Re�ui�ements: Slideshow requires projector and wifi.
O�tions:
• Lunch: The authors will pick-up and deliver hot dogs and donuts for the group.
$50000

7. Parenting & Family

8. M
any working parents spend precious hours in
their evenings at home banging their heads
against various pieces of furniture and or load
bearing walls. This activity is not endemic to
their species. Parents are naturally jolly and slightly portly
with delightful crinkling eyes and rosy cheeks. It’s true. Look
it up on Wikipedia.
Working parents, are unnatural abberations of humanity
suffused with guilt and terror that their significant other has
abandoned their progeny and let them light the house on
fire while accidentally erasing the working parent’s precious
cache of DVR shows they will catch up on "one day."
Wracked with guilt and lumbering aimlessly around the
empty halls of their office after 8 p.m. on a Thurdsay, they
bemoan their children’s future and twist their guts in abject
wretched agony and it’s idiotic because their kids are going
to be fine. I know because [My Attorney]did this every day
for 12 years while I actively tried to murder my children and
or set the dog on fire and they grew up to be amazing.
In this program I commiserate with working parents and
assuage their fears of abandoning their offspring. I promote
‘dumb time’ over quality time, and I introduce them to
father-daughter-mother-Sunday, teaching my daughter how
to drive, and how I learned I have beautiful feet (it’s relevant,
I swear).
Time: 35–45 minutes from intro to end; 15 minutes for Q&A; 1/2 minute per attendee
for signing and selling books.
Includes: Slideshow, books, amusing presentation.
Cost: $250.00, $4 per book per attendee, parking.
Re�ui�ements: Slideshow requires projector and wifi.
B�e��outs:
• Why story-telling builds better families and smarter kids
• Raising heroes–parenting and the monomythic journey
• Any of the short presentations listed below
I’m a Terrible Parent
and So Can You
$25000

9. On Writing

10. T
here are forty bajillion websites trying to teach you
how to craft a believeable character and write a
break out first novel. But nobody teaches you how
to get through the daily grind of actual writing.
Until now. This book is a collection of worksheets and sage
advice, peppered liberally with the cursiest of cursewords,
to get you into the habit of producing words at a dependable
clip.
The presentation teaches new and established writers alike
the nuts-and-bolts of using metrics to drive productivity,
how to operate like a business, and how to take your book
from fresh paper to final manuscript in three months.
How to Finish Your Book
time: 45 minutes to an hour depending on how often the author is interrupted by
excited writers. 20 minutes for Q&A; 1/2 minute per attendee for signing and selling
books.
Includes: Slideshow, free download of the Ops Manual, books, amusing presentation.
Cost: $250.00; parking.
$25000
[2] your mean rate of daily production
day 03
day 01
day 02
day 04
day 05
day 06
day 07
day 08
day 09
day 10
day 11
day 12
day 13
day 14
day 15
day 16
total
your mean rate
÷ 16
quarterly pitching schedule
1st
quarter january 1 through march 30
Pitching To
3rd
quarter july 1 through september 30
Summer into Fall. Summer stories, vacation stories, travel stories, July 4th stories, road trips, summer food, fes-
tivals, outdoor projects. grilling, landscaping, back to school stories, fashion stories, etc.
pitch working title:
What’s it about? Who’s it for? Who will read it? What kind of piece is it? What seasonal event or trend are you tagging it to?
What’s the earliest Ed. Calendar deadline it will fit? What kind of add-ons can you attach? When are you pitching it?
pitch working title:
pitch working title:
pitch working title:
pitch working title:
[2] your mean rate of daily production[2] your mean rate of daily production
special project title
[1] projected word count
[3] working days until deadline
[4] projected weekly word count ([3] ÷ 4.3)
[2] deadline
[5] projected daily word count ([4] ÷ 5)
[6] working days until first draft ([3] x .66)
[7] projected first draft date (please refer to a calendar)

11. Write Gooder
Y
our business often rests on the quality of
your communication. Your clients may not
be professional editors but trust me, if you
misplace a comma or employ an inept tautology they
will make note and your image will suffer.
It may not suffer much. Maybe just a raised eyebrow,
but send another email using the phrase short
summary or tell someone the meeting is at 2p.m. in
the afternoon and that raised eyebrow is going to
crawl over the back of their head and pull their socks
up.
Your in real trouble if your misusing you're or your or
if there reading they're email and their's an instance
where its its not it's.
Bull gives important advice on writing tighter copy,
choosing the right words, and making sense.
Times: 20-30 minutes.
Includes: Oral presentations
$12500

12. Better Content Marketing by Writing Stuff
People Give a Crap About
C
ontent marketing blah blah blah. We all know
how important it is. We know how to do
keyword research.
But is getting hits what really matters to your bottom
line?
This presentation makes the argument that the goal
of content marketing is not simply to jump to the top
of Google's results page but to engage readers and
inspire them to share your post on social media.
If your content sounds like it was written by a
search results driven washing machine, so will your
audience. They don't want that.
Nobody wants that.
Let Bull convince you to be real. To write stories that
speak to your audience. To write to the heart of your
message, not to a spot on Google.
Times: 20-30 minutes.
Includes: Oral presentations
$12500

13. The Perfect Notebook App is a Notebook
Drawn from research and articles at Bull's popular
column, Analog Attorney, this presentation
makes a strong argument for ditching apps for paper
products and old-school techniques.
This presentation covers idea capturing, improving
executive decision making, developing faster and
fuller recall, and impressing clients with tangible,
tactile assetts.
A gift of a pocket notebook with the company logo on
the front is included for each attendee.
time: 30 minutes. 10 minutes for Q&A; 1/2 minute per attendee for signing and selling
books. Custom notebooks require art and count 45 days prior to the event.
Includes: Slideshow, books, amusing presentation.
Cost: $125.00 + notebooks; parking.
$12500

14. Curse Your Way to Better #@%$! Writing
Writing for business is intimidating. There's a lot riding
on your words. Some associates have a hard time getting
started. You just stare at the page and hope something
happens.
Worse, when you finally get words down onto the page, they
sound like they were written by a robot. Why can't you be
looser? More ceative?
You can! Let Bull lead you through his patented and wildly
entertaining class on how to write blue, in order to write
well.
disclaimer: wildly inappropriate language will be
employed during this presentation–but don't worry, it'sNBC
inappropriate, not HBO inappropriate.
Times: 20-30 minutes.
Includes: Oral presentations
$12500

15. The Essential Parts of an eBook
Publishing an eBook is a proven way to boost sales, traffic,
and prestige for any company. And it's so easy! Just push a
button and all the words you've written go live.
Including the ones that are misplelled, and the parts of the
book where you forgot to go back and fix that one sentence
that didn't have a last w
A good book has structure. A good book has pieces and
parts that a reader expects, even unconsiously.
In this presentation, learn the difference between a folio and
a runing header. Discover the legal magic of front matter.
FInd out why hiring an editor is So.
Importants?
Times: 20-30 minutes.
Includes: Oral presentations
$12500

16. How to Power Point
Times: 20-30 minutes.
Includes: Oral presentations
$12500

17. Events

18. A wine tasting experience offering premium wines in an
elegant setting by a Chicago sommelier, and your hosts,
Colleen and Bull Garlington.
Featuring small plates by a private chef, custom cocktails
by a renowned mixologist, live music, and event
photography, all tailored to the needs of the client.
This event offers plenty of opportunity for fine tuning
and branding. It can be presented on premises or at an
event space.
Base Rate
$80.00 per person.

19. A luxurious five course dinner developed from the rare
and impressive Treasury of Great Recipes by Mary and
Vincent Price, circa 1965. Paired with fine wines.
Featuring a menu developed from the book by Chef Aram
Reed, custom cocktails by renowned mixologist Lauren
Parton, live music, and event photography from Lorenzo
Tassone, all tailored to the needs of the client.
This event offers plenty of opportunity for fine tuning
and branding. It can be presented on premises in most
cases but is better off property at an event space chosen
by the crew.
Base Rate
$150.00 per person.

20. OED
A curated book signing featuring a Chicago author.
Featuring a menu developed from the book by Chef Aram
Reed, custom cocktails by renowned mixologist Lauren
Parton, live music, and event photography from Lorenzo
Tassone, all tailored to the needs of the client.
This event offers plenty of opportunity for fine tuning
and branding. It can be presented on premises in most
cases but is better off property at an event space chosen
by the crew.
Base Rate
$30.00 + publisher's discounted
cost of book per person.

21. talk to me
Bull Garlington
bull@creativewriter.pro
(312) 869–2408
Boo� Bull