Ben's presentation from Cyber 2013, looking at the rise of online dating, the impact of Facebook & other social media on our relationships (and the lies that people tell when posting online!)

1. Why don’t you ‘Like’ me?
Relationships in the face of the information revolution
Cybher 2013

2. "Every communication advance in history has
brought about a leap forward in civilisation:
The alphabet begat democracy, the printing
press begat the renaissance.We're living
through the biggest communication advance in
human history and have no idea what might
yet come of it"
~Jonathan Sacks

4.  The need to connect deeply with others is a “fundamental human
motivation” (Baumeister & Leary, 1995).

5.  The need to connect deeply with others is a “fundamental human
motivation” (Baumeister & Leary, 1995).
 When that need is fulfilled by a
satisfying intimate relationship,
couples:
 experience better health (Cohen et al., 1998),
 recover from illnesses more quickly
(Kiecolt-Glaser et al., 2005)
 live longer (Gallo & Kuller, 2003; Smith, & Layton, 2010).
The presence of a satisfying
intimate relationship is one of the
strongest predictors of happiness
and emotional well-being that has
been measured (& Seligman, 2002).

6.  The need to connect deeply with others is a “fundamental human
motivation” (Baumeister & Leary, 1995).
 When that need is fulfilled by a
satisfying intimate relationship,
couples:
 experience better health (Cohen et al., 1998),
 recover from illnesses more quickly
(Kiecolt-Glaser et al., 2005)
 live longer (Gallo & Kuller, 2003; Smith, & Layton, 2010).
 The presence of a satisfying
intimate relationship is one of the
strongest predictors of happiness
and emotional well-being that has
been measured (Diener & Seligman, 2002).

7. Loneliness and distressed
relationships:
 predict increased risks of
depression and illness (Cacioppo et al., 2002)
incur enormous national costs in
terms of lost productivity (Forthofer,
Markman,Cox, Stanley, & Kessler, 1996)
are the leading reasons why
people seek therapy or help from
counsellors (Veroff, Kulka, & Douvan, 1981)

8. Source: Stanford Study

9.  Annual revenue from the online
dating industry is over $1bn
 Average spent by dating site
customer per year £160/ $239
(Source: Statisticbrain, 2012)
Users spend an average of 22 minutes
each time they visit an online dating
site (Mitchell, 2009),
Users spend an average 12 hours per
week engaged in computer-based
online dating activity (Frost,Chance, Norton, &,
2008).

10.  Annual revenue from the online
dating industry is over $1bn
 Average spent by dating site
customer per year £160/ $239
(Source: Statisticbrain, 2012)
 Users spend an average of 22
minutes each time they visit an
online dating site (Mitchell, 2009),
 Users spend an average 12 hours per
week engaged in computer-based
online dating activity (Frost,Chance, Norton, &
Ariely, 2008).

11.  Dating site percentages - Men 52.4 %
-Women 47.6 %
10 % of users leave a dating site within the first 3
months
Most important factors in dating:
- common interests - 64 %
- physical characteristics - 49 %
17% of couples married in the last year met on a
dating site
20 % of current committed relationships began
online
10% of sex offenders use online dating to meet
people!

12.  Dating site percentages - Men 52.4 %
-Women 47.6 %
 10 % of users leave a dating site within the first 3
months
Most important factors in dating:
- common interests - 64 %
- physical characteristics - 49 %
17% of couples married in the last year met on a
dating site
20 % of current committed relationships began
online
10% of sex offenders use online dating to meet
people!

13.  Dating site percentages - Men 52.4 %
-Women 47.6 %
 10 % of users leave a dating site within the first 3
months
 Most spouses have met:
Through work/ school- 38%
Through a friend or family member – 28%
 17% of couples married in the last year met on a
dating site
20 % of current committed relationships began
online
x offenders use online dating to meet people! (Source:)

14.  Dating site percentages - Men 52.4 %
-Women 47.6 %
 10 % of users leave a dating site within the first 3
months
 Most spouses have met:
Through work/ school- 38%
Through a friend or family member – 28%
 17% of couples married in the last year met on a
dating site
 20 % of current committed relationships began
online
x offenders use online dating to meet people! (Source:)

15.  Dating site percentages - Men 52.4 %
-Women 47.6 %
 10 % of users leave a dating site within the first 3
months
 Most spouses have met:
Through work/ school- 38%
Through a friend or family member – 28%
 17% of couples married in the last year met on a
dating site
 20 % of current committed relationships began
online
 10% of sex offenders use online dating to meet
people! (Source: Statisticbrain)

16.  Most important factors in choosing a
partner:
- Common interests 64%
- Physical Characteristics 49%
71% of people believe in love at first sight
53% of people claim to have dated more
than one person simultaneously
Most important on a first date:
Personality 30%
Smile & looks 23%
Sense of humour 14%
Career & education 10%

17.  Most important factors in choosing a
partner:
- Common interests 64%
- Physical Characteristics 49%
 71% of people believe in love at first sight
53% of people claim to have dated more than
one person simultaneously
Most important on a first date:
Personality 30%
Smile & looks 23%
Sense of humour 14%
Career & education 10%
33 % of women have sex on the first online
dating encounter
(Source:

18.  Most important factors in choosing a
partner:
- Common interests 64%
- Physical Characteristics 49%
 71% of people believe in love at first sight
 53% of people claim to have dated more
than one person simultaneously
Most important on a first date:
Personality 30%
Smile & looks 23%
Sense of humour 14%
Career & education 10%
33 % of women have sex on the first online
dating encounter
(Source:

19.  Most important factors in choosing a
partner:
- Common interests 64%
- Physical Characteristics 49%
 71% of people believe in love at first sight
 53% of people claim to have dated more
than one person simultaneously
 Most important on a first date:
Personality 30%
Smile & looks 23%
Sense of humour 14%
Career & education 10%
33 % of women have sex on the first online
dating encounter
(Source:

20.  Most important factors in choosing a
partner:
- Common interests 64%
- Physical Characteristics 49%
 71% of people believe in love at first sight
 53% of people claim to have dated more
than one person simultaneously
 Most important on a first date:
Personality 30%
Smile & looks 23%
Sense of humour 14%
Career & education 10%
 33 % of women have sex on the first
online dating encounter
(Source: Statisticbrain)

21.  56% of all people claim to have an
unhappy sex life
A woman’s desirable online peaks at
21
At 26, women have more online
pursuers than men
By 48, Men have twice as many online
pursuers as women
Average amount of time to make an
impression on a woman: 1 hour
Average amount of time to make an
impression on a man: 15 minutes
The chance a woman has for a second date if she has not heard from him within
24 hours – 12% or roughly 1 in 8!

22.  56% of all people claim to have an
unhappy sex life
 A woman’s desirability online peaks at
21
At 26, women have more online
pursuers than men
By 48, Men have twice as many online
pursuers as women
Average amount of time to make an
impression on a woman: 1 hour
Average amount of time to make an
impression on a man: 15 minutes
The chance a woman has for a second date if she has not heard from him within
24 hours – 12% or roughly 1 in 8!

23.  56% of all people claim to have an
unhappy sex life
 A woman’s desirability online peaks at
21
 At 26, women have more online
pursuers than men
By 48, Men have twice as many online
pursuers as women
Average amount of time to make an
impression on a woman: 1 hour
Average amount of time to make an
impression on a man: 15 minutes
The chance a woman has for a second date if she has not heard from him within
24 hours – 12% or roughly 1 in 8!

24.  56% of all people claim to have an
unhappy sex life
 A woman’s desirability online peaks at
21
 At 26, women have more online
pursuers than men
 By 48, men have twice as many online
pursuers as women
Average amount of time to make an
impression on a woman: 1 hour
Average amount of time to make an
impression on a man: 15 minutes
The chance a woman has for a second date if she has not heard from him within
24 hours – 12% or roughly 1 in 8!

25.  56% of all people claim to have an
unhappy sex life
 A woman’s desirability online peaks at
21
 At 26, women have more online
pursuers than men
 By 48, men have twice as many online
pursuers as women
 Average amount of time to make an
impression on a woman: 1 hour
Average amount of time to make an
impression on a man: 15 minutes
The chance a woman has for a second date if she has not heard from him within
24 hours – 12% or roughly 1 in 8!

26.  56% of all people claim to have an
unhappy sex life
 A woman’s desirability online peaks at
21
 At 26, women have more online
pursuers than men
 By 48, men have twice as many online
pursuers as women
 Average amount of time to make an
impression on a woman: 1 hour
 Average amount of time to make an
impression on a man: 15 minutes
The chance a woman has for a second date if she has not heard from him within
24 hours – 12% or roughly 1 in 8!

27.  56% of all people claim to have an
unhappy sex life
 A woman’s desirability online peaks at
21
 At 26, women have more online
pursuers than men
 By 48, men have twice as many online
pursuers as women
 Average amount of time to make an
impression on a woman: 1 hour
 Average amount of time to make an
impression on a man: 15 minutes
 The chance a woman has for a second date if she has not heard from him
within 24 hours – 12% or roughly 1 in 8!
(Source: Statisticbrain)

28. “Courtship” is shorter:
 Average length of courtship for marriage
for those who met
offline: 42 months
online: 18 months
(Source:Statisticbrain)
Those involved in online dating have more
stringent “criteria” for choosing their
dates
Rate of “partnering” isn’t changing – women
are no more likely to be in relationships
now than they were 10 years ago (Source:
81% misrepresent themselves in some way
online (Source: N)

29. “Courtship” is shorter:
 Average length of courtship for marriage
for those who met
offline: 42 months
online: 18 months
(Source:Statisticbrain)
 Rate of “partnering” isn’t changing –
women are no more likely to be in
relationships now than they were 10 years
ago (Source: “How Couples meet and stay together”)
Rate of “partnering” isn’t changing – women
are no more likely to be in relationships
now than they were 10 years ago (Source
81% misrepresent themselves in some way
online (Source:

30. “Courtship” is shorter:
 Average length of courtship for marriage
for those who met
offline: 42 months
online: 18 months
(Source:Statisticbrain)
 Rate of “partnering” isn’t changing –
women are no more likely to be in
relationships now than they were 10 years
ago (Source: “How Couples meet and stay together”)
 Those involved in online dating have more
stringent “criteria” for choosing their
dates
81% misrepresent themselves in some way
online (Source:

31. “Courtship” is shorter:
 Average length of courtship for marriage
for those who met
offline: 42 months
online: 18 months
(Source:Statisticbrain)
 Rate of “partnering” isn’t changing –
women are no more likely to be in
relationships now than they were 10 years
ago (Source: “How Couples meet and stay together”)
 Those involved in online dating have more
stringent “criteria” for choosing their
dates
 81% misrepresent themselves in some
way online (Source: NYTimes)

32. The most common lies told on
dating sites:
Height
Weight

33. The most common lies told on
dating sites:
Height
Weight
Physique
Age

34. The most common lies told on
dating sites:
Height
Weight
Physique
Age
Income
Job type and title

35. The most common lies told on
dating sites:
Height
Weight
Physique
Age
Income
Job type and title
Lifestyle
Hobbies and interests

36. The most common lies told on
dating sites:
Height
Weight
Physique
Age
Income
Job type and title
Lifestyle
Hobbies and interests
Connections to celebrities

37. The most common lies told on
dating sites:
Height
Weight
Physique
Age
Income
Job type and title
Lifestyle
Hobbies and interests
Connections to celebrities
Photographs

38. The most common lies told on
dating sites:
Height
Weight
Physique
Age
Income
Job type and title
Lifestyle
Hobbies and interests
Connections to celebrities
PhotographsMen lie most about: Age, Height, Income

39. The most common lies told on
dating sites:
Height
Weight
Physique
Age
Income
Job type and title
Lifestyle
Hobbies and interests
Connections to celebrities
PhotographsMen lie most about: Age, Height, Income
Women lie most about: Weight, Physical Build,Age (Source: womansday.com)
On average, women lie less than men!

40. The most common lies told on
dating sites:
Height
Weight
Physique
Age
Income
Job type and title
Lifestyle
Hobbies and interests
Connections to celebrities
PhotographsMen lie most about: Age, Height, Income
Women lie most about: Weight, Physical Build,Age (Source: womansday.com)
On average, women lie less than men!

41. Dating site algorithms and formulas claim to predict compatibility, but
may actually:
Focus on short term satisfaction rather
than long term relationships
Fail to take into account people’s
changing nature
Lend the expectation that a relationship
should be “perfect” from day one
"People with strong beliefs in romantic
destiny are especially likely to exit a
romantic relationship when problems arise… and to become vengeful in
response to partner aggression when they feel insecure in the
relationship“ (Source: Stanford Study)

42. Facebook makes “unique contributions to the experience of jealousy
in romantic relationships” (source: Liebertonline)

43. Facebook makes “unique contributions to the experience of jealousy
in romantic relationships” (source: Liebertonline)
More than 1 in 5 divorces
now cites Facebook
(source: JCP solicitors)

44. Facebook makes “unique contributions to the experience of jealousy
in romantic relationships” (source: Liebertonline)
More than 1 in 5 divorces
now cites Facebook
(source: JCP solicitors)
Australian study highlights
“a tendency for neurotic
and lonely individuals to
spend greater amounts of
time on Facebook per day
than non-lonely
individuals.”(source: Atlantic)

45. “People who received composed communication became less lonely, while
people who received one-click communication experienced no change in
loneliness” (source:Carnegie study,Atlantic)
“Passive consumption” and
“broadcasting” correlate
to feelings of disconnectedness
“The greater the proportion of
online interactions, the
lonelier you are.”
(Source:Centre for Cognitive & Social Neuroscience)
Believing that others have
strong social networks can lead
to feelings of depression
(Source: Stanford study)

46. “People who received composed communication became less lonely, while
people who received one-click communication experienced no change in
loneliness” (source:Carnegie study,Atlantic)
“Passive consumption” and
“broadcasting” correlate
to feelings of disconnectedness
“The greater the proportion of
online interactions, the
lonelier you are.”
(Source:Centre for Cognitive & Social Neuroscience)
Believing that others have
strong social networks can lead
to feelings of depression
(Source: Stanford study)

47. “People who received composed communication became less lonely, while
people who received one-click communication experienced no change in
loneliness” (source:Carnegie study,Atlantic)
“Passive consumption” and
“broadcasting” correlate
to feelings of disconnectedness
Believing that others have
strong social networks can lead
to feelings of depression
(Source: Stanford study)

48. “People who received composed communication became less lonely, while
people who received one-click communication experienced no change in
loneliness” (source:Carnegie study,Atlantic)
“Passive consumption” and
“broadcasting” correlate
to feelings of disconnectedness
Believing that others have
strong social networks can lead
to feelings of depression
(Source: Stanford study)
Loneliness vs interactions: “The
greater the proportion of online
interactions, the lonelier you
are.” Source:Centre for Cognitive & Social Neuroscience)

50.  It’s become easy to overanalyse everything
 You see all the action your ex is getting
 Relationships and breakups are public
 It’s a record of every relationship mistake you ever made
 Other people’s comments will make your date jealous
Source: Mashable

51.  It’s become easy to overanalyse everything
 You see all the action your ex is getting
 Relationships and breakups are public
 It’s a record of every relationship mistake you ever made
 Other people’s comments will make your date jealous
Source: Mashable
Facebook causes stress!
 People share far too much information
 Being tagged in photos of your ex
 Getting a friend request from an ex
 Someone you’re already friends with gets friendlier
 You see something that worries you on your significant other’s page
 Facebook secrets Source: “Facebook and your marriage”

52.  Generally avoid live chats with people of
the opposite sex.
 Avoid and/or refuse to be online friends
with former lovers.
 Don’t air “dirty laundry” about one’s
spouse or marriage on the site.
 Strike an agreement on time issues —
how much and when.
 Share online names and passwords with
each other.

53. “I fear that we are beginning to design ourselves to suit digital
models of us, and I worry about a leaching of empathy and
humanity in that process.”- Jaron Lanier, You Are Not a Gadget

54. “I fear that we are beginning to design ourselves to suit digital
models of us, and I worry about a leaching of empathy and
humanity in that process.”- Jaron Lanier, You Are Not a Gadget
“Facebook users have higher levels of total narcissism,
exhibitionism, and leadership than Facebook nonusers. In fact,
it could be argued that Facebook specifically gratifies the
narcissistic individual’s need to engage in self-promoting and
superficial behavior.” Australian study “Who uses Facebook?”

55. “I fear that we are beginning to design ourselves to suit digital
models of us, and I worry about a leaching of empathy and
humanity in that process.”- Jaron Lanier, You Are Not a Gadget
“Facebook users have higher levels of total narcissism,
exhibitionism, and leadership than Facebook nonusers. In fact,
it could be argued that Facebook specifically gratifies the
narcissistic individual’s need to engage in self-promoting and
superficial behavior.” Australian study “Who uses Facebook?”
Among 18-to-34-year-olds, nearly half check Facebook within
minutes of waking up, and 28 percent do so before getting out
of bed.

56. In a survey of 1000 Facebook users, 25% said that they found
out their relationship was over by seeing it on Facebook

57. In a survey of 1000 Facebook users, 25% said that they found
out their relationship was over by seeing it on Facebook
21% said that they would use Facebook to break up with
someone (Source: Mashable)

58. In a survey of 1000 Facebook users, 25% said that they found
out their relationship was over by seeing it on Facebook
21% said that they would use Facebook to break up with
someone (Source: Mashable)
Social media is a divorce-lawyers goldmine, with 81% saying
that they have used information from Facebook & other sites
(Source: NYTimes)

59. In a survey of 1000 Facebook users, 25% said that they found
out their relationship was over by seeing it on Facebook
21% said that they would use Facebook to break up with
someone (Source: Mashable)
Social media is a divorce-lawyers goldmine, with 81% saying
that they have used information from Facebook & other sites
(Source: NYTimes)
Investigators conducted an online poll of 250 participants in
Germany and found that the desire to interact with others
through updates, photos and comments was stronger than sex
and cigarettes. (Source: Medicaldaily)

60.  “Running too many platforms leads to
saturation, after which the increasing
complexity of maintaining so many
separate communications threads starts to
undermine relationship ties.“
-Prof. Bernie Hogan, Oxford Internet Institute
“Spouses can alienate each other with
constant social media use on their
smart phones or laptops”
"People typically report very flattering
things about themselves on social media...
when this happens it can lead someone to
think 'Hey, that person is better looking and more interesting
than my partner...' and lead to a grass is greener mindset.“
– Dr Edward Hallowell, psychiatrist

61.  “Running too many platforms leads to
saturation, after which the increasing
complexity of maintaining so many
separate communications threads starts to
undermine relationship ties.“
-Prof. Bernie Hogan, Oxford Internet Institute
 “Spouses can alienate each other with
constant social media use on their
smartphones or laptops”
"People typically report very flattering
things about themselves on social media...
when this happens it can lead someone to
think 'Hey, that person is better looking and more interesting
than my partner...' and lead to a grass is greener mindset.“
– Dr Edward Hallowell, psychiatrist

62.  “Running too many platforms leads to
saturation, after which the increasing
complexity of maintaining so many
separate communications threads starts to
undermine relationship ties.“
-Prof. Bernie Hogan, Oxford Internet Institute
 “Spouses can alienate each other with
constant social media use on their
smartphones or laptops”
 "People typically report very flattering
things about themselves on social media...
when this happens it can lead someone to
think 'Hey, that person is better looking and more interesting
than my partner...' and lead to a grass is greener mindset.“
– Dr Edward Hallowell, psychiatrist

63. (Now go and talk to some
real-life humans)
www.sxselondon.co.uk
Ben@sxselondon.co.uk
@SXSELondon
@Aatlae