1. Academic Word Choice
Never write “thing” in an academic essay. How could
you rewrite the following examples with more formal,
specific, and effective word choice
1. One thing to never do is procrastinate.
2. Things have been hard without my mother's
guidance.
3.When you are born into this world, life doesn't equip
you with the things you need to succeed.
4. Making tough decisions, oververcoming obstacles,
and accepting consequences becomes an everyday
thing.

2. Academic Word Choice
Avoid writing “it,” when it's not clear what “it” is.
How could you rewrite the following examples
with more formal, specific, and effective word
choice?
1. In order to stay in school, you have to stay
committed and put it before everything else.
2. In the end, it will all be worth it.
3. It got to the point that my friends wouldn't
invite me anymore. (Because they knew I
would be studying...)

3. Academic Word Choice
Don't start sentences with conjunctions. “FANBOYS”
How could you rewrite the following examples to
avoid creating these informal/incorrect sentence
fragments?
1. But to me, an ambitious attitude is always the way to
go.
2. But because of my attitude, I did not graduate the 8th
grade with all of my classmates.
3. So that's exactly what I did.
* Note that “for” can be also be used in a prepositional
phrase, so it can start a sentence sometimes!

4. Effective and meaningful thesis that
responds to prompt
Assess each the following thesis statement samples to see
if they clearly respond to one of prompts, or if they need
more information.
● A successful person needs character, curiosity, and
willingness to do more than what's expected.
● I know that if I graduate college, my daughter will be
more likely to graduate college and be successful in life.
● The right attitude is important in order to be successful
and do great things.
● Sometimes you're left second-guessing yourself,
wondering if it's all worth it in the end.

5. You MUST reference the text with
IQE
● This is especially important in college, where you are on
your own and, like Grant Berry emphasizes, “making
choices, some of which bring criticism.” The choices we
make in college can follow us into our careers and affect
us for the rest of out lives. Having the right attitude—an
empowered, self-motivating, enthusiastic attitude—can
lead to positive decision making.
● Grant Berry, in “A Change of Attitude,” writes about his
daughters and that he cannot afford to fail: “But I Keep on
Keeping on because I must set a good example for the
four little eyes that are keeping watch over their daddy's
every move.” I too have four eyes watching me; my
parents look after me to ensure that will have the
prosperous life that they intended me to have.

6. Support thesis (and all ideas) with
specific personal examples and
observations
● Highlight the specific examples from your life that you
use to support that you either used to
a) illustrate the right attitude to succeed in school
or
b) describe and explain the choices and sacrifices you
made to be a student in college
● If it's not about one specific event/time, it's not specific
enough
● If it's not personal to your life and doesn't help us get to
know you on a deeper level, it's not personal enough
● If it doesn't help you do a or b above, it is off topic

7. EDIT and REVISE
● Remember that I did not edit your essay. That's
YOUR job! I did not mark all of your errors, just some
of them.
● I made lots of comments provided lots of feedback to
help you get started with your revision, but I did not
comment on everything that you will need to fix. Now
it's up to you to locate the remaining errors, correct
them, and improve upon your essay content and
organization as much as you can!
● Refer to the Essay Scoring Guide (rubric) and the
“Revising Your Writing Assignments” pages in your
syllabus packet.
● Share and discuss your essay with your peers, family
members, tutors, etc. to get other opinions and