Are you on the happiness track twhe 2017
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TWHE 2017: Are You on the Happiness Track? Would You Like to Be?
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Are you on the happiness track twhe 2017
- 1. AreYou on the Happiness Track? WouldYou Like to Be? Imagine that a Genie appears in front of you and grants you three wishes. What 3 wishes would you make? Before making your wishes, assume that the Genie is all-knowing and all-powerful, and will grant any wish you make. So don’t limit yourself in any way. From Raj Raghunathan, If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy?
- 2. By the end of today’s presentation you should… Be able to summarize some of the key points of research on happiness Identify several techniques to apply to your personal and/or professional life
- 3. Back to the question about the genie and the 3 wishes… What did you wish for?
- 4. Success and Happiness Misconceptions Success=happiness Have to sacrifice present happiness Never stop accomplishing Stress necessary for success Focus on your niche Play to your strengths Look out for number 1 Happiness=pleasure* Realities Happiness is a precursor to success Happy people learn faster, think more creatively and resolve challenges Happy people have emotional balance/resiliency Happiness helps strengthen relationships/connection Negative mental chatter
- 5. Unhappy Results 58% of Americans claim their stress is rising Anxiety is the leading cause for mental health treatment in the U.S. Use of antidepressants among Americans has risen by 400 percent in the last decade 50 percent of employees are unengaged 20 percent of employees are actively disengaged From Emma Seppala ,The Happiness Track: Applying the Science of Happiness to Accelerate Your Sucess
- 6. Martin Seligman, Authentic Happiness “The belief that we can rely on shortcuts to happiness, joy, rapture, comfort and ecstasy, rather than be entitled to those feelings by the exercise of personal strengths and virtues, leads to legions of people who, in the middle of great wealth, are starving spiritually.”
- 7. The 7s 7 Deadly Happiness Sins Devaluing happiness Chasing superiority Desperation for love Being overly controlling Distrusting others Passionate/indifferent pursuit of passion Mind addiction 7 Habits of the Highly Happy Prioritizing-but not pursuing-happiness Pursuing flow The need to love (and give) Gaining internal control Exercising “smart trust” Dispassionate pursuit of passion Mindfulness From Raj Raghunathan, If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy?
- 8. Satisfaction with LifeScale 7 - Strongly agree 6 - Agree 5 - Slightly agree 4 - Neither agree nor disagree 3 - Slightly disagree 2 - Disagree 1 - Strongly disagree Online: http://happysmarts.com/survery7.php Using the scale below, record your agreement with each item. Please be open and honest in your responding. Total all numbers to find your total score. In most ways my life is close to my ideal. The conditions of my life are excellent. I am satisfied with my life So far I have gotten the important things I want in life. If I could live my life over, I would change almost nothing. Diener, E., Emmons, R. A., Larsen, R. J., & Griffin, S. (1985). The Satisfaction with Life Scale. Journal of Personality Assessment, 49, 71-75.
- 9. Happy People Happy employees perform better on tasks, including those that involve leadership/creativity Happy employees earn more Happier (optimistic) CEOs foster more positive work climate which improves organizational productivity Happier CEOs receive higher performance ratings from chair persons of their boards and head companies with greater return on investment Happy people volunteer more Happy people are more likely to judge others favorable and more willing to share their good fortune with others equitably Happy people contribute more to charity and more likely to donate blood. From Raj Raghunathan, If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy?
- 10. Prioritizing-but not pursuing- happiness Remind yourself to make happiness-enhancing decisions Exercise: Define and incorporate happiness The term “happiness” could be defined in many different ways, as: Love/connection Joy Authentic pride Hubristic pride Harmony Abundance Serenity Gratitude Interest Awe Online: http://happysmarts.com/exercises1.php From Raj Raghunathan, If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy?
- 11. Pursuing flow Flow=the kind of experience where you get so absorbed you lose track of time—Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi Flow enhances happiness In the moment Leads to mastery Inspires others Isn't finite or scarce Find more flow in your life Reconnect with a hobby Nurture talents in your current job Do more of what you enjoy Consider a career shift From Raj Raghunathan, If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy?
- 12. Best possible life...and what to do when things aren't going well...and then when they are Articulate your best possible life Exhibit self-compassion Notice your self talk Write yourself a letter Develop a self-compassion phrase (http://bit.ly/2ivkxgL) Express gratitude Make a daily gratitude list From Raj Raghunathan, If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy? and Emma Seppala, The Happiness Track
- 13. Living in the present Being present will make you more productive, happier and charismatic.You can nudge your mind back to the present. Practice being consciously present Meditate (http://bit.ly/12vPdmh) Practice breath focus (http://bit.ly/1M9iB81) Truly experience pleasure Take a technology fast Presence practice (https://happysmarts.com/exercises7.php) From Raj Raghunathan, If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy? and Emma Seppala, The Happiness Track
- 14. The need to love (and give) People have an innate desire to help others Takes focus away from ourselves Reciprocity boosts happiness Generosity improves health and well-being Givers are more likely to succeed Replenishes energy Shows the bigger picture Three essential rules for giving Contain the cost of giving Value expansion See the impact of your giving From Raj Raghunathan, If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy? and Emma Seppala, The Happiness Track
- 15. Strengthening compassion Pay full attention when others are talking Verbalize the other’s point of view Creative Altruism Exercise 1. Think of an idea: what will you do to bring joy, warmth or happiness to others? (Need an idea? See http://bit.ly/1XLlcpC). Write it down. 2. Come up with a plan for executing your idea. 3. Execute your plan. *Raj’s idea: http://happysmarts.com/be-part-of the – book-chain/ *My idea* From Raj Raghunathan, If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy? and Emma Seppala, The Happiness Track
- 16. Being less controlling Being in control enhances happiness BUT not being overly controlling others or outcomes Learn to appreciate uncertainty First get your life under control Trade time scarcity for time affluence De-emphasize money Help others Experience awe Desirability of control scale: http://happysmarts.com/survey4 Maximizer/satisficer scale: http://happysmarts.com/survey3 From Raj Raghunathan, If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy?
- 17. Gaining internal control Our thoughts control our feelings: Change your thoughts, control your feelings Take personal responsibility for your happiness Choose when to exercise internal control You can not blame others for how you feel but still hold them accountable for their actions DON’T feel like you need to be in control in the face of terrible events DON’T engage in self-serving biases to feel better From Raj Raghunathan, If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy?
- 18. Gaining internal control DO practice emotion regulation Situation selection Emotion labelling Attention deployment Cognitive reappraisal DO lead a healthier lifestyle Eat right, move more, sleep better *Internal control exercise* From Raj Raghunathan, If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy?
- 19. Interpersonal TrustScale 1=strongly disagree 4=mildly agree 2=mildly disagree 5=strongly agree 3=agree and disagree equally Indicate the degree to which you agree or disagree with each statement using the scale below. Add all numbers to find your total score. 1. In dealing with strangers, one is better off to be cautious until they have provided evidence they are trustworthy. 2. It is safe to believe that in spite of what people say, most people are primarily interested in their own welfare. 3. In these competitive times one has to be alert or someone is likely to take advantage of you. 4. Most people can be counted on to do what they say they will do. 5. Most idealists are not sincere and do not practice what they preach.
- 20. Exercising “smart trust” When we feel we can trust others, we are happier In general people reciprocate trust with trustworthy behavior And yet our default is to distrust others Components of “smart trust” Remind ourselves people are more trustworthy than we give them credit for Remind ourselves of the benefits of proactive trust Minimize pain from being cheated and maximize positivity from having our trust validated Elicit more trustworthy behavior from others From Raj Raghunathan, If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy?
- 21. Practicing forgiveness Think of someone you dislike (not hate)—person X. Imagine you were born with their genes, that you have their experiences, family, upbringing. Would you behave differently from how they behave? From Raj Raghunathan, If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy?
- 22. Practicing forgiveness Exercise: Write a letter of forgiveness to someone who has hurt you. Recall the incident and write about it. Be matter of fact, not emotional, include details of what happened, how it made you feel and why. Write a letter and reflect on what you wrote. Elaborate on the factors that may have pressured the person to act the way they did. Achieve closure to help you move on. Seal the letter in an envelope and burn it. As you are doing this, tell yourself, “With this act, I consider this incident closed.” From Raj Raghunathan, If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy?
- 23. Sustain happiness Make a strong commitment to do on a daily basis starting today things to reinforce happiness. Dr. Raj has a list of daily questions that will help you replace happiness sins with habits: http://happysmarts.com/sup_ex5.php Choose the contexts, environments and people you expose yourself to carefully. Tell yourself that you are open-minded and not closed to new ways even if you feel some of these things are difficult. Overwhelmed? Pick a few to work on for the next 30 days.
- 24. Thank you! Questions? This presentation: http://guides.library.unt.edu/happinesstrack Contact information Susan Smith Susan.Smith@unt.edu
- 25. References and Further Resources Barker, E. (2014, April 4). Happy thoughts: Here are things proven to make you happy. Time. Retrieved from http://www.time.com Foundations of Positive Psychology Specialization. Available from http://www.courser.org/specializations/positivepsychology A Life of Happiness and FulfillmentCourse. Available from https://www.courser.org/learn/happiness Frederickson, B. Positivity: Top-notch research reveals the upward spiral that will change your life. NewYork, NY: Harmony. Harris, D. (2014). 10% happier: How I tamed the voice in my head, reduced stress without losing my edge, and found self-help that actually works-a true story. NewYork, NY: Dey Street Books Lyubomirsky, S. (2014).The myths of happiness:What should make you happy but doesn’t, what shouldn’t make you happy but does. NewYork, NY: Penguin.
- 26. References and Further Resources Raghunathan, R. (2016). If you’re so smart, why aren’t you happy? NewYork, NY: Portfolio/Pengiun. http://happysmarts.com Rhimes, S. (2016).Year of yes: How to dance it out, stand in the sun and be your own person. NewYork, NY: Simon & Schuster. Rubin, G. (2009). The happiness project: Or why I spent a year trying to sing in the morning, clean my closets, fight right, read Aristotle, and generally have more fun. NewYork: NY: Harper Paperbacks. http://gretchenrubin.com Seligman, M. E. P. (2004). Authentic happiness: Using the new positive psychology to realize your potential for lasting fulfillment. NewYork: NY:Atria Books. Seppala, E. (2016). The happiness track: How to apply the science of happiness to accelerate your success. NewYork, NY: Harper One.
Editor's Notes
- Welcome, I am Susan Smith,head of the Library Research Support Services Department at the University of North Texas and I have decided to choose happiness, to embrace the positive side of my personality and temperament and to lean into my positive leadership style. 3 years ago, in a conference presentation like this one, a woman helped me realize I needed to make some changes in my life. She told the story of how she always tells her son to make it a good day. This feels an awful lot like prioritizing happiness (and at times giving to others as well— more on that later.) Since then many books on happiness have been published,I have included a partial list at the end of this presentation. I chose to base my presentation on The Happiness Track and If You're So Smart, Why ARen't You Happy because they are based in research but include practical exercises for anyone who wants to make their day better. I will share some of that research and those exercises today.
- The question is...if you want to be happy,why didn't you wish for that?
- Common but outdated theories about success…Once I’m successful, I’ll be happy…The message is do it all with the help of technology that has us plugged in 24/7. Unsustainable and hurt your chances of success through negative consequences…cannot connect to others, impede creativity, diminish energy, prevent high performance, make you less resilient. More likely to be: burned out, isolated, have poor health. In the past year have you felt stressed? Overextended? Caught up in a rat race? Unable to find time for what you want to do (much less what you need to do) or for loved ones? Guilty for doing what you enjoy instead of being productive? Lacking meaning or fulfillment in your everyday?
- According to a study by the Regus Group: 58% of Americans claim their stress is rising Anxiety is the leading cause for mental health treatment in the U.S. (and costs over $42 billion per year) Use of antidepressants among Americans has risen by 400 percent in the last decade According to a recent Gallup study: 50 percent of employees are unengaged(present but uninspired) 20 percent of employees are actively disengaged(very unhappy at work) costing the US economy over $450 billion per year
- I talked with my husband about this presentation and he said I should include something from Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology…he has many excellent books and questionnaires on happiness, optimism and much more…I really liked this one…what it says is that we have to choose to be happy, to work at it. If we only tru the promised short cuts, we will find ourselves lost.
- You already have the capacity to make changes and develop habits to be happy. Let’s look at some concrete ways to get there. This is where I should stop and say I have tried to pack a lot into this presentation. I know we won’t get to everything as far as the exercises and other activities go, so I have posted this presentation online so you can return to it later to work on some of it yourself.
- Reflective assessment of how well your life is going, correlates to neurological correlates like serotonin, others’ assessment of one’s happiness levels, and other behavioral measures such as stability of marital relationships. The higher your score, the happier you are. If you are already happy,great. This may help you understand why you are and show you how to increase or sustain that happiness. I suspect even among the happy there are times when we could use a little assistance in that area.
- Research shows happiness is a goal/priority for most people and yet we get distracted by other goals. We sacrifice happiness for other goals…In a research study, respondents chose value for money over enjoyment when choosing food items at a “pay by the ounce” salad bar. In other studies, both MBA students and undergrads chose intrinsically motivating jobs with lower pay because these would enhance happiness but when under stress these same students choose extrinsically motivating jobs with higher pay EVEN THOUGH THEY KNEW SUCH JOBS MIGHT NOT MAKE THEM HAPPY. Dr. Raj calls this the happiness paradox, we want to be happy but we devalue happiness. We think happiness is too abstract, it will make us lazy and selfish and it is temporary, and it doesn’t occur to us that what we want is to be happy. We tend to focus on the means to the detriment of obtaining our desired ends. In a study where people were asked to record their happiness levels, those who received a daily email remind them to make happiness enhancing decisions were happier. This similar to when I realized I could make a good day. Visiting Disney World with my mom and the first day we had been to Magic Kingdom. We were planning to go to Epcot the second day but over breakfast I could feel that wasn't what we wanted to do. But we had a plan and we were there so how could we not? I decided to make it a good day and we went back to Magic Kingdom instead. Raghunathan cautions that pursuing happiness leads to comparing how you feel to how you would ideally like to feel and because we almost always think we can feel happier, that makes us unhappy. So what should we do? First define and then incorporate happiness...these steps help us overcome our issues with devaluing happiness. Note— this may not be as easy as it sounds. We have been conditioned to devalue happiness so it will take time and effort to overcome. This exercise will help you: (1) gain a sharper, more concrete understanding of what happiness means to you, and (2) identify the things that lead you to experience the state you equate with happiness. Consider each of the above definitions for happiness and ask yourself which ones are you most drawn to. Then, make your own definition of happiness. It can be a combination of two or more emotional experiences or an entirely different type of feeling. I encourage you to write it down. Think of 2-4 things/situations/activities that lead you to the feeling of happiness in the way that you have defined it. Write these down as well. Now,go one step further. Stick this somewhere so you will see it often and be reminded of it. Even better, set a daily reminder on your calendar to prioritize happiness. In the pre-conference yesterday I heard about a Chrome Extension called Momentum where among other things you record something important for the current day. I think I am going to write something about remembering to choose happiness. Then I will see it every time I open my browser window.
- Flow=the kind of experience where you get so absorbed you lose track of time. Time both speeds up and slows down Lack of self-consciousness-you don’t have capacity to give to how well or poorly you are performing the activity Being in the moment— focused on the immediate task at hand Match between available and required ablities-flow happens in the spot between anxiety and boredom. Flow is even better when your abilities are just SLIGHTLY under what is required. You have to up your game, stretch yourself which keeps you engaged and also helps you learn and grow. We can manufacture flow, place ourselves in places where we experience flow. Flow enhances happiness Enjoyable in the moment Enough flow experiences in a specific domain will lead to mastery Others are inspired by seeing people in the flow—think about the best music concert you’ve been to… Flow isn't finite or scarce Seeking superiority and worldly success disrupts flow,it takes us out of the moment. Find more flow in your life Reconnect with a hobby Nurture talents in your current job Do more of what you enjoy Consider a career shift
- These suggestions for pursuing flow assume you know what you are passionate about. One way to see this is to visualize AND articulate your best possible life,if everything were prefect. Research shows just articulating it makes you more attune to events, people and activities that would help achieve your goal. And then of course there will be times when things aren't going well or as you hoped or planned. Remember to be kind to yourself. Exhibit self compassion--If your tendency is to negative self talk, imagine what you would say to a friend who had experienced something similar and say those things to yourself. If that seems hard, try writing it as a letter. Writing about emotions can help you regulate them. Develop a self compassion phrase, a mantra you can turn to when you need it. “This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is a part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment.” Also remind yourself that failures are a part of life, part of being human. We all experience them. And along those lines, when things are going well, remember you don't achieve things alone,that we all depend on others at some point. Expressing gratitude takes you from a self-centered postive feeling to an other-centered positive feeling— it increases connections to others and is considered a meta-strategy because it boosts happiness in many ways. Make a gratitude list— write downfive things you are grateful for everyday.
- Being present will make you more productive, happier and charismatic— we slow down, are actually with the people we are with, immersed in discussion and engaged in our projects. Nudge your mind back to the present Practice being consciously present-if you have a task to accomplish, even one you dislike or see as tedious,see if you can give it your full attention. notice when you get distracted and refocus on the task. Find pleasure in small things and notice every detail. The more you practice this, the more it becomes a habit. Meditate Practice breath focus Truly experience pleasure-when you feel pleasure, close your eyes and be 100 present, savor the emotion or experience completely. Research shows that learning to bask in your pleasurable experiences extends the feelings. Take technology fast Presence practice is a type of mindfulness practice that was developed by Vijay Bhat that nutures many qualities such as bare attention, self awareness, self compassion and belonging.
- In a research study,people predicted they would be happier spending money on themselves than on others. And yet, in studies where people spent money(someone else's or their own)on others they were the happier group. We have a desire to exhibit altruism. If this is innate, then being generous and kind will make us happy. It takes focus away from our own problems and worries. Generosity often leads to reprocity which boosts happiness. Generosity improves our health and well-being. Those who are generous, who are givers,are more likely to succeed, even in the world of business. There is interesting research that shows the effect of generosity on income is greater than that of income on generosity. However,you can be too generous, "generous to a fault"and burn out on giving. Be an otherish giver— contain the cost of giving. Maximize the benefits of their generosity. Refer to someone else if they are better suited to help. Practice generosity efficiently. Value expansion is the second rule and it means manage your emotional resources so as not to burn out. Take pride in your actions and be grateful to be in a position to be generous. Seeing the impact of your giving brings the biggest boost to happiness.
- Pay full attention when others are talking Verbalize the other’s point of view Creative Altruism Exercise 1. Think of an idea: what will you do to bring joy, warmth or happiness to others? (Need an idea? See http://bit.ly/1XLlcpC). Write it down. 2. Next, come up with a plan for executing your idea. 3. Finally, execute your plan. *Raj’s idea: www.happysmarts.com/book/pay_it_forward *My idea* My idea is to help some of you be creatively generous to someone else while at this conference. I have a bunch of candy bars here. If anyone wants to bring happiness to someone else here, take one and then be creative in who or how you give it away. Of course,you could eat It yourself,but then you will miss the happiness boost from being generous. If you want, come and find me or email me and tell me about how it went.
- Being in control enhances happiness—it makes us feel we can shape outcomes—it makes us feel more competent and progressing towards mastery. Being in control also makes us believe we have personal autonomy, we aren’t under someone else’s control. Those with higher need for control set bigger goals and achieve more BUT Being overly control seeking is not happiness enhancing. Being overly controlling of others leads to unhappiness. No one likes to be controlled, they do not want to give up that same autonomy and if you try to keep them from something, they just want it more. For example in relationships you can have control over others or you can have their love but not both. Being overly controlling of others also leads to power stress, which is getting frustrated when people don’t behave in ways you want them to. Being overly controlling can impact the quality of decisions we make. When we seek to control others, we drive away anyone with diverse views and surround ourselves with people who tell use what we want to hear. Being overly controlling of outcomes also lowers happiness. Seeking desirable goals does boost happiness but the problem is when the desire to control outcomes controls you. Robert Vallerand calls this “obsessive passion.” One reason this leads to unhappiness is that the world doesn’t always work the way we want, and those with high need for control suffer. Wanting to control outcomes also impacts decision making, in a different way. Research shows those with high need for control are more likely to take risks because they fall for the illusion of control, thinking they have more control then they actually do and often acting superstitious under stress. Finally, when you are obsessed with outcomes, you sacrifice other things that make you happy. Learn to appreciate uncertainty—uncertainty makes life interesting…what we think makes us happy, certainty and control often has the opposite effect. We can’t appreciate this when we feel out of control, crunched for time, like we have more on our plate than we can handle…Time affluence (feeling like you have time on your hands) helps you feel in control. One research study showed that students who were paid more for the same job felt more stress. Try to demphasis money you make at work. Another tip is to engage in social service—those who do feel more time abundant. Finally, some studies show the experience of awe, looking at awe-inducing images like water falls and mountains slows down the perception of time. The two scales linked above will help you understand where you are in terms of control seeking. It is interesting to note that below the ideal point of control seeking is also not a good thing, especially in situations where you are forced to take control or you have a high level of perceived control.
- Our thoughts control our feelings. Be grateful you have a job, not angry that you didn’t get a raise. Be happy for a visit with a friend not sad they are leaving. Take responsibility for your happiness. This means don’t blame others or circumstances for how you feel. You have to figure out how be happy despite these things. Choose when to exercise internal control You can not blame others for how you feel but still hold them accountable for their actions. Being in control of your feelings improves the interactions you have with others. When we have sufficient internal control, we don’t need as much external control. You don’t have to start off trying to have control in the face of terrible events, but rather start with something commensurate with your current practice, master those before moving on. Self-serving biases are things we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better. When something good happens, we take all the credit. When something bad happens, we want to blame someone else. In the short term this works, but in the long term…impacts performance and relationships.
- DO practice emotion regulation Situation selection-avoid situations that evoke unwanted emotions-PREVENTATION Emotion labelling-come up with a label to describe how you are feeling—labelling feelings lowers intensity. Label but don’t BELABOR Attention deployment—direct attention away from negative feelings and towards positive ones WITHOUT self-serving bias-AFTER Cognitive reappraisal—reinterpret your problem to feel better about it Avoid suppressing negative feelings, it doesn’t change things for us and it effects those around us. DO lead a healthier lifestyle—has an impact on mental and physical health Internal control exercise. Take a few minutes and think about which of the above Dos you want to try, perhaps more than one. For emotion regulation it might help to think of a time when you didn’t have good internal control and see if you can decide which technique would have helped. For healthier life style, try to think of a few small changes you could make. Note—it is often easier to add something at first (an extra walk in the evening, tracking your food) than subtracting something.
- Indicate the degree to which you agree or disagree with each statement using the scale below. Add all numbers to find your total score. If your score was 15 or above, you are more distrusting than trusting of others. If your score was less than 15, you are more trusting than distrusting of others.
- When we feel we can trust others, we are happier In general people reciprocate trust with trustworthy behavior And yet our default is to distrust others WHY? We don’t know the research, that people in general are trustworthy. We have a better memory for when trust was violated. Components of “smart trust” Remind ourselves people are more trustworthy than we give them credit for Remind ourselves of the benefits of proactive trust—proactive trust is an investment you make to put yourself in a trusting relationship Minimize pain from being cheated and maximize positivity from having our trust validated—take things into perspective—in the grand scheme to things, what was the result of having your trust violated? If people like us, mostly better off than most people can’t do a little to try and enhance trust, how can we expect anyone else to do so? Make others accountable when they violate your trust. Make a resolution to find out WHY someone violated your trust. It is not, Dr. Raj says, whether you follow up on this that matters, but having clarity on what you would do if you were cheated. This can help you decide who to trust, when and how much. He says he trusts less when it is unclear how you would track the person down. Practice forgiveness. It is often easy to take revenge but it sets off a cycle of negativity and often is not commensurate with the wrong that occurred. Even more though, forgiveness is more for the self than the other. Think of a time when felt your trust was violated and later you found out more that changed your understanding of the situation. Knowing is understanding and understanding is forgiveness. This brings to mind one of the four agreements that I find myself coming back to again and again—Don’t take anything personally, it is almost never about you. Elicit more trustworthy behavior from others—context pays a big role. When people are expected to be trustworthy, they tend to be so. This means it helps to understand the norms of the situation where you find yourself in making a decision to exercise trust. Beyond that, other things that elicit trustworthy behavior include: being likeable: emphasize commonalities/similarities, showing warmth and friendliness (research shows warm leaders are liked better and therefore trusted more), acting trustworthy, throw in a few stories of your trustworthy behavior, apologize when you mess up (research shows firms that apologize for screwing up are better liked.) Other things to do include quickly building a history of mutual trust—take a few small initial risks and proactively trust others. For example, divulge some small fact that makes you vulnerable and trust the other person will reciprocate.
- Think of someone you dislike (not hate)—person X. Imagine you were born with their genes, that you have their experiences, family, upbringing. Would you behave differently from how they behave? For most people, the answer is no. Then the next step is refraining from judging someone (and their behavior) as good or bad and trying to understand them, the why. Understanding can lead to a shift in thinking from wanting to do harm to wanting to do good. Research shows that forgiving is beneficial, lowers anxiety, increases self esteem, reduces emotional burden. Remember you don’t have to forgive everyone all the time nor do you have to reconcile with someone who has violated your trust. Remember forgiveness is really for you, it is about reducing the power of the feelings you are holding onto so you can move on.
- Exercise: Write (but don’t send) a letter of forgiveness to someone who has hurt you. Recall the incident and write about it. Be matter of fact, not emotional, include the details of what happened, how it made you feel and why. If it still hurts, mention why and what you wish the person had done instead. Next write a letter where you reflect on what you wrote and elaborate on the factors that may have pressured the person to act the way they did. If this is overwhelming, try taking a break and revisiting this later. Or try starting with something that doesn’t have such a strong impact on you.
- Now you know a little bit more about being happy but the trick is to achieve and sustain that happiness. It takes conscious effort. Old habits die hard. We tell ourselves we’ll start something just as soon as things die down at work or the kids are back in school or any number of excuses you can think of. But before we know it, we have put it off for months or years or more. Make a strong commitment to do on a daily basis starting today things to reinforce happiness. Dr. Raj has a list of daily questions that will help you replace happiness sins with habits: http://happysmarts.com/sup_ex5.php Choose the contexts, environments and people you expose yourself to carefully. If being around a certain person is negative, avoid them. If being in nature and experiencing awe enhances happiness, then do that more intentionally. Tell yourself that you are open-minded and not closed to new ways even if you feel some of these things are difficult. The more freedom you give yourself to change, the easier it will be to do things to boost happiness. If thinking of all of these at once is overwhelming, pick a few to work on for the next 30 days. What can you start doing or stop doing to enhance happiness?