Steps on how to value others in therapy

1. Valuing in
Therapy
Randy Wilhelm

2. Six
components to
Valuing
Acknowledgement
Validation
Valuing
Permission
Inclusion
Accountability

3. Acknowledgement
– Acknowledgement. This involves letting people
know that their experience, points of view, and
actions have been heard and noted. One can do
this by reflecting back to clients, without
interpretation, what they said.

4. Validation
– Validation. We let people know that their
experiences are valid. They are not bad, weird,
sick or crazy for being who they are and
experiencing what they may. And other people
have experienced the same or similar things.

5. Valuing
– Valuing. We value both people and their
experience. There is a crucial distinction here,
though. We let people know that some of their
actions are valued (e.g., ethical actions that lead
toward their goals), and some are not (e.g.,
physical violence). We seek to value internal
experience but not harmful actions. “its okay to
feel like cutting yourself, and its not okay to cut
yourself.” In the realm of action there are going to
be things that are okay and not okay. However, we
want to value everything in the realm of
experience and who the person is.

6. Permission
– Permission. This includes permission “to” and
permission “not to have to.” We might say, “its
okay to feel angry, and you don’t have to feel
angry.” We want people to know its okay to feel
what they are feeling. Their feelings represent
who they are.

7. Inclusion
– Inclusion. This involves including whatever the
person has excluded or thrown out. To do this, we
want to use the word “and”, “not”, “but”. We
might say, “you can go to the beach and you can
go to work.” There is no contradiction present. It
can all be included in their experience.

8. Accountability
– Accountability. We acknowledge and validate
people’s experiences, but at the same time, we
hold them accountable for their actions. They can
feel pain and want to retaliate or hurt themselves
or someone else, and not do the harmful
behavior.

9. Steps people
may take to
valuing
Incorporating Incorporating the aspect or experience
Embracing Embracing the aspect or experience
Valuing Valuing the aspect or experience
Making Making room for the aspect or experience
Developing Developing a respectful relationship or dialogue with the aspect or experience
Acknowledging Acknowledging the existence of the aspect or experience

10. Acknowledging
the existence
of the aspect or
experience.
– Acknowledging the existence of the aspect or
experience. The person takes note of the
experience, perception, or aspect previously
dissociated, disowned, and devalued. The person
acknowledges that the aspect can exist.

11. Developing
a respectful
relationship
or dialogue
with the
aspect or
experience.
– Developing a respectful relationship or dialogue
with the aspect or experience. Some type of
connection between the person and aspect of
self. It may involve writing, drawing, inner or
outer dialogue, or any other method for their
experience to communicate on a respectful and
mutual basis.

12. Making room
for the aspect
or experience.
Allowing it to
exist within
the
boundaries of
self.
– Making room for the aspect or experience.
Allowing it to exist within the boundaries of self. In
this situation, a person who has acknowledged
that an aspect or experience can exist continues
to move toward it and make room for it. The
person gives it permission to exist within the
experience or self.

13. Valuing the
aspect or
experience.
– Valuing the aspect or experience. The person
moves away from the idea that an aspect or
experience is bad, evil, unnecessary, or negative
in general. The consideration is that the aspect
may actually be useful in some way that was
previously unnoticed.

14. Embracing
the aspect
or
experience.
– Embracing the aspect or experience. The person
continues to move beyond the toleration or
allowance of an aspect or experience and may
actually pursue and embrace it.

15. Incorporating
the aspect or
experience.
– Incorporating the aspect or experience. The
realization develops in the person, not just
intellectually but experientially, that the aspect or
experiences in the self. This means the person
experiences “it” in the body, and a kind of
integration occurs.

16. References
OHanlon, W. H., & Bertolino, B. (2002). Even from a broken web:
Brief, respectful solution-oriented therapy for sexual abuse and
trauma. New York: W.W. Norton