A Christmas Story

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SITUATION REPORTS
AGENT IN CHARGE
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SPECIAL AUDIT OF KINETIC OPERATIONS
SITUATION REPORTS (SITREPS)
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AN ADULT CHILDREN'S STORY
By
FREDERICK BOTHWELL

2. In response to FOIA Request NSA File 112-56437-
778-566, entered into FOIAonline on 1 April, 2012
by the U.S. based Citizen's Legal Aid Research
Association, the attached transcript of intra-
agency operational responsive records
pertaining to Special Operation DECON2011 are
hereby declassified and approved for release
upon redaction and concurrent approval by the
CIA, the National Security Agency, the Defense
Intelligence Agency, the National Imagery and
Mapping Agency, the National Reconnaissance
Office (and certain other reconnaissance offices
within the Department of Defense), the
intelligence elements of the Army, the Navy, the
Air Force, and the Marine Corps, the FBI, the
Department of the Treasury, the Department of
Energy, and the Coast Guard, the Department of
Homeland Security, the Bureau of Intelligence
and Research in the Department of State, and
such other elements of any other department or
agency as may be designated by the President, or
designated jointly by the Director of Central
Intelligence and the head of the department or
agency concerned, as an element of the
intelligence as approved by appropriate staffs
and responsible action officers.
The cost to process your request is less than
$20.00; therefore, the fee is waived.
Your request is now completed.
BY DIRECTION OF
H. E. Wallbanger
Assistant Acting Director, NSA
Document Retrieval Operations
12 February 2015

3. 1
SITREP: 24DEC 2200HRS(Z)
I gradually wake up. It’s dark and quiet and I’m inside some sort of a sealed
compartment. The space is so small it’s hard to move in here. I’m terribly hungry, so I
must have been unconscious for quite a while. But I don’t seem to have any rations with
me. I know I’m in uniform and have my weapon, so I’m ready to fight as soon as I’m
deployed. I’m not sure how long I have to wait to be activated. It must be soon. Whenever
it is, I’ll be ready.
SITREP: 24DEC 2220HRS(Z)
I begin to hear music and the sounds of a lot of people talking loudly in a mix of
languages. Russian? French? Getting closer. It doesn’t sound like an angry mob. It sounds
more like an international social gathering of men, women, and children. Maybe I’m on
embassy duty? In Brussels? Berlin? Vienna? Oorah!
SITREP: 24DEC 22250HRS(Z)
It’s still dark, but the music and most of the talking has suddenly stopped. I think I
hear a familiar voice with a thick accent nearby - it’s that FOBBIT from DARPA,
Drosselmeyer, making a speech. He finally stops talking and POW! The cubicle is opened
and I’m blinded by the light. WTF?
SITREP: 24DEC 2252HRS (Z)
I seem to have lost the ability to speak, and I can hardly see, but Drosselmeyer, in
formal evening clothes instead of a lab coat, takes me in hand. As the music and
conversation resumes he introduces me to a large crowd of grinning civilians. It seems to
be some kind of a celebration. People dressed in finery are speaking German, Polish,
French, English - Why are they all so glad to see me? I look down and see that I’m in
full dress under arms. I hear a constant murmur of “Willkommen” “Bienvenue” and “Thank
you for your service.” We finally approach what seems to be a receiving line and formal
introductions. Who are all these people? It has to be an embassy function.
SITREP: 24DEC 2255HRS(Z)
Dr. Drosselmeyer presents me to the host (the ambassador?) and his family, the
Silbersomethings. I’m still speechless, so he explains that I’ve been under his care,
demobilized for almost twelve months and recovering from PTSD. This is evidently my first
assignment in nearly a year. I exchange formal bows with the host and his wife, but when
I get to a young girl in the receiving line she asks me if I’m hungry. I’m actually
starving, so I nod my big head vigorously. I think her name is Clara.
SITREP: 24DEC 2258HRS(Z)
While the music swells and everyone else in the room starts dancing, Clara leads the
Doctor and me to a large banquet table piled high with candy, cookies, and other pastry –
but one thing catches my eye – a huge bowl of walnuts. My favorite food! Drosselmeyer and
Clara stuff walnuts into my mouth until I think I’m going to burst. What a feast! More
follows later. I have to eat more walnuts.

4. 2
SITREP: 25DEC 0001HRS(Z)
Oh, my aching jaw! I’ve never eaten so much at one time. I must have fallen asleep – the
party is over and everyone has left me alone. I’m so full I can hardly stand up. And it’s
dark in here, but strangely I can still hear music. Clara and Dr D must have left me here
under the branches of a large, gaudy tree, surrounded by cookie and candy crumbs and
gigantic boxes that look valuable. There are a lot of inert animals and small humanoids
strewn around, but none of them are awake. I still have my weapon, so I guess it’s a
security detail after all. I check the perimeter around the huge tree. Excellent fields
of fire, no visible threats. But where is that infernal music coming from?
SITREP: 25DEC 0030HRS(Z)
It’s gotten colder and darker but the incessant music has kept me awake. Despite the
orchestral din, I hear faint squealing noises approaching. It sounds like many of them,
creeping forward from more than one direction. I wish I’d been able to put out trip wires
and Claymores. I try to wake up the others around the tree but they still seem dead to
the world. I draw my weapon and prepare to defend our position.
SITREP: 25DEC 0032HRS(Z)
It’s MICE. Scores of nasty little rodents attracted by all the crumbs. I raise my sword
to warn them back, but to no avail. They rush my position, baring their razor sharp
incisors and shrieking aloud. I have no choice but to repel them – slashing and stabbing,
I kill or wound dozens of them, and the music soars.
SITREP: 25DEC 0040HRS(Z)
They’ve withdrawn, and I’ve suffered only a few nips and scratches. But my jaw still
hurts and the damnable music has gotten very loud and threatening.
SITREP: 25DEC 0045HRS(Z)
There seems to be some kind of a large force approaching the perimeter. It’s no longer
the squealing and scurrying sound of the first assault. I can just make out the shape of
a very large creature silently nearing my position.
SITREP: 25DEC 0050HRS(Z)
It’s a GIANT MOUSE, taller than me, with multiple heads that stare glassy eyed as I raise
my bloody sword and confront him. He wears a crown, and has a sword bigger than mine, and
he looks really angry. He’s the Mouse King! And as he nears me, he bares his giant ugly
yellow rodent teeth and thrusts his shining blade at me, slashing my arm.
SITREP: 25DEC 0052HRS(Z)
I’m hit. The wound is slight, but there’s no one else to repel this assault. In
desperation I lunge at the malevolent beast, momentarily throwing him off balance.
SITREP: 25DEC 0055HRS(Z)
As the giant mouse stumbles back, he’s hit in the head by a missile launched by an
unexpected ally: Clara! Stunned, the repellant Rodent drops his guard and with a final
effort, I run him through with my trusty sword. Victory is ours!

5. 3
I fall to the ground, but my eyes are fixed on Clara, who fed me and to whom I owe my
life. Yet I see her eyes turn to someone else - a pretty boy in excruciatingly tight
pants and a phony replica of my full dress coat who prances in from somewhere and begins
to dance with her as the damnable music swells again and the tree grows to an enormous
height.1
Falling backwards into my box, I remain conscious long enough to hear the incredible
speech the handsome prince delivers in his mellifluous voice as they embrace:
Tonight, I can report to you and to the world that we have killed the Mouse
King, the leader of The Mice, a terrorist who's responsible for innumerable
offenses.
Shortly after taking office, I directed Dr. Drosselmeyer to make the
killing or capture of the Mouse King the top priority of our war against
The Mice.
Then, after months of painstaking work, I was briefed on a possible lead to
the Mouse King. And finally, last week, I determined that we had enough
intelligence to take action, and I authorized an operation to get the Mouse
King and bring him to justice.
Tonight, at my direction, we launched a targeted operation. A small team
carried out the operation. After a swordfight, the Mouse King was killed.
The death of the Mouse King marks the most significant achievement to date
in our effort to defeat The Mice. There's no doubt that The Mice will
continue to pursue attacks against us. We must — and we will — remain
vigilant. As we do, we must also reaffirm that we are not — and never will
be — at war with all Rodents. I've made clear that our war is not against
Rodents. The Mouse King was not a Rodent leader; he was a mass murderer.2
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Who is this guy and where did he come from? Are we at
war with The Mice or aren’t we? Aren’t all of The Mice rodents? I guess I didn’t see any
squirrels or hamsters during the assault – where were they? Why can’t they keep the mice
under control? Attacking an embassy is an act of war, isn’t it? My mind is reeling. I can
feel myself weakening. Mercifully, I black out.
1
http://www.nutcrackerballet.net/html/nutcracker_story.html
2
http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/2011/05/02/osama-bin-laden-dead

6. 4
SITREP: 18FEB2015 0030HRS(Z)
Once more it’s dark inside the box as I awaken after a long sleep. It feels like years
have passed, but I still hear the smooth voice of the dancer I saw with Clara – and he’s
still talking about The Mice! He says they are still active. And now there’s a worse
problem with another Rodent species: Rats!
We've always faced challenges. One of those challenges is the terrorist
threat from groups like The Mice and Rats. The Rats are terrorizing
people, beheading and burning them in unfathomable acts of cruelty. The
Mice and Rats try to portray themselves as Rodent leaders -- warriors in
defense of Rodents. That’s why The Rats presume to declare themselves
the “Rodent State. They are not Rodent leaders -- they’re terrorists.
(Applause.) And we are not at war with Rodents. We are at war with
Rats! (Applause.)3
I hope they haven’t attacked another embassy! I have the feeling they’re going to let me
out of the box soon again. What about all the other Rodents: Weasels? Squirrels?
Porcupines? Are they a threat too, or they on our side? Will they help us? My wounds seem
to be healed and I’m still in uniform, but I don’t feel my weapon by my side. I can’t
tell from what the dancer is saying if or when or where I’ll be deployed, but I’m always
ready. As long as they let me have my sword!
3
http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/02/18/remarks-president-closing-summit-countering-violent-extremism