The document discusses various events at Goshen College, including students calling for the hiring of Albus Dumbledore as president and the admissions office enrolling fake students to increase enrollment numbers. It also mentions proposals for a new smoking pavilion next to the bus stop and efforts by admissions to boost enrollment, such as airing Super Bowl ads and redesigning the college website.

2. 75 CENTS Wednesday April 27, 2011 ISSUE 2
The Conscientious Objector Sola Veritate
Student Body Calls for Hiring of Albus Dumbledore
Dirk Willems The greatest wizard to ever
In a surprise move on Fri- live. How could he not be bet-
day, the student body of Gos- ter.” Brenneman responded to
hen College collectively called the calls for his replacement by
for the hiring of Albus Dumb- admitting, “I can’t say that I’m
ledore as President. The aca- surprised. I’ve been waiting for
demic year of 2010-2011 has this day ever since those dang
been characterized by several books came out.”
on-campus controversies, such Library staff have also
as the national anthem debate, noted an increase of students
closing of small-group houses, carrying long sticks around
and calls for inclusive hiring with them and waving them
!"#$%&$'()**+(*,-#.(*/'0#-*%1&(* around while muttering non-
week, some have speculated sensical spells. The students
that the cumulative stress has who initiated the movement
caused students to lose their enumerated the following list
minds. One student said, “I 56*/'-',%(*%1#%*:27/.'85"'*
mean, I love Jim Brenneman offers: students would never
and everything he’s done for have to worry about security,
this campus. But come on. It’s food would instantly be better,
Dumbledore, for Chrissake. See Dumbledore P. 2
!=3(0&(3'%0$0<0-(>-?(;-,<@$02( !"#$%%$&'%()*+,-(./,$0-"(12(
Measures 3',&#$'4(567%%(&*(89:(;0<"-'0%
Conrad Grebel Dirk Willems has taken several different ap-
*****4-*#-*56,$&#.*(%#%'7'-%*.#(%* proaches to increase enroll-
AVI staff have become searches and ID checks on
Thursday, the Goshen College ment. The hope has been that
increasingly concerned that all individuals entering and
#87&((&5-(* 56,$'* #--52-$'8* raising enrollment will allevi-
students and staff may pose leaving the Rott facility,” said
that the Class of ‘15 will be the ate the costs associated with
#*,-#-$&#.*('$2"&%3*%1"'#%)* Rombach.
largest to date. The 2015 class growing and enhancing cam-
In recent months there have Rombach stated that in
proudly boasts 752 incoming pus, such as the construction
been reported spikes in the addition to showing their
students, along with their thou- of Sauder Concert Hall and
number of cereal, fruit and student ID, students will also
sands in tuition money. How- the Connector. Actions taken
spoon thefts. Spoon theft has be required to show a govern-
ever, it is unclear how many to boost enrollment have in-
become such a problem that ment issued ID. Frisking and
of these incoming students are cluded re-branding the college
the Rot was recently forced to pat-downs may also be imple-
real. Due to growing economic to “Healing the World: Peace
use plastic spoons due to its mented on a case-by-case basis
$5-$'"-(9*%1'*#87&((&5-(*56,$'* by Peace,” airing advertise-
dwindling supply. at employee discretion.
has made a concerted effort to ments in the coveted Super
Rott manager Bob Rom- As a consequence of
increase overall enrollment and Bowl time slot and redesign-
bach has proposed a variety of &-%'-(&,'8*('$2"&%3*($"''-&-09*
have resorted to enrolling fake ing the college’s website. Af-
TSA-inspired counter mea- campus security recommends
students to spark appeal from ter much energy and time, the
sures as part of a new joint students arrive at least one
perspective students. With the #87&((&5-(* 56,$'* (2$$''8'8*
anti-theft initiative between hour in advance of meal time
total current enrollment slightly in bringing in the largest class
AVI, campus security, and the and two hours before on peak
under the 1000 mark, the in- size in 2011 with 237 students.
college science department. demand hours such as Friday
coming class is set to bump it However, admissions counsel-
“Beginning this May Term, lunch. 5"(* 1#;'* $5-,8'-$'* %1#%* %1'&"*
up to nearly 1500.
we will begin performing bag
In recent years, the college new approach of enrolling fake
See Admissions P. 2

3. New “Bus Stop” where they will coat the stop
in their customary plaid fabric
Proposed - and skateboard on the side-
;-E7@70-(F<0(.G<76H walk around it. If the weather
is warm and plaid shirts seem
Georg Blaurock too hot, then tank tops will be
In response to complaints deemed acceptable - as long as
from the campus community they are worn ironically.
about smoking in the College
Avenue bus stop, GC smokers Admissions, From P. 1
have raised funds for a sepa-
students will be incredibly ef-
rate shelter just for smokers.
fective.
The group of devoted smok-
“Kids these days just follow
ers, whose handiwork can be
%1'*$"5@8)**A5*@'*,02"'8*%1#%*
viewed on the ground surround-
if we made it seem like there
ing the bus stop, submitted a
were tons of people coming
proposal to the city council
here, then the rest would fol-
for what they called a “smok-
low. And our costs won’t even
er’s pavilion.” This new, fully
go up to support the increased
enclosed, climate-controlled
student body. I can’t believe we
pavilion would be placed ad-
didn’t think of this years ago,”
jacent to the current bus stop,
Lynn Jackson commented.
but unlike the current one, there
The incoming class has aver-
would be no expectation of the
age GPA of 5.0, average SAT
bus actually stopping to pick up
score of 1710, average ACT
riders. The smokers’ model for
score of 33, and a total of 512
the pavilion features a state of
valedictorians. The President’s
the art ventilation system that
Leadership Award was given to
whisks smoke out and keeps the
George Washington, Abraham
air inside the structure fresh. A
Lincoln, Mohandas Gandhi,
pair of treadmills would also
Mother Teresa, Martin Luther
be placed inside for “heart-
healthy” smokers that wish to
King Jr., and John Yoder. A@-%B#7'(C&,D-"(A&@(.70$'4(!0(
get a little exercise. Another es- A@7D-@
sential feature, of course, is an
ashtray, which is notably miss- Dumbledore, From P. 1 Dirk Willems both upperclassman and faculty
ing from the current bus stop. cooler animals on campus At 1:04 p.m. Thursday, began whispering to each other
In order to raise funds for the besides squirrels, necessity to freshman Josh Yoder unknow- about his serious faux pas. “We
rather ambitious project, the use a candy related password ingly ventured into the Leaf don’t go use the K-3 lounge to
GC smokers have proposed a %5*'-%'"*1&(*56,$'9*7#>5"(* Raker, breaking the unwritten hang out, do we?” said junior
50/50 funding split between more interesting than nursing - but obvious - rule of avoid- Billy Funk. “This is our space.
themselves and the city of Gos- ing dining territory designed Freshmen can at least respect
or education, and a beard that
hen. To demonstrate their dedi- for upperclassman only. After that and stay in the Rott where
puts Paul Keim’s to shame. “I
cation to making this pavilion ordering, Yoder sat in the cush- they belong.” Campus Pastor
realize that we’re all techni- Bob Yoder added, “I am ap-
a reality, several students have ioned chair space created spe-
cally Muggles,” an anonymous $&,$#..3* 65"* 0"52!(* 56* >2-&5"(9* palled. These freshman intrud-
sworn off cigarettes for several
student stated. “But I’m pretty seniors, faculty and adminis- ers are acting directly against
weeks, putting the money saved
towards the pavilion fund. “We sure that my acceptance letter trators to engage in academic the core value Compassionate
need to think about the future,” to Hogwarts was just lost in conversations of the highest Peacemakers, and I expect this
said GC sophomore Nate Klink, the owl post.” Dumbledore level. “I never knew this place disturbance to cease immedi-
with no hint of irony. “We and calmly and serenely replied, was here,” Yoder said, happily. ately.” Oblivious to the rising
future smokers deserve to have “I am positively delighted that “This is such a nice change of %'-(&5-*%1#%*8#39*?58'"*,-&(1'8*
a peaceful place to spend an I am so deeply cared for. It pace from the Rott, I think I’ll his food and went back to his
inordinate amount of our time would be quite rude of me not start coming here every day.” dorm room to tell his friends
and money.” As soon as Yoder sat down, about his discovery.
to consider the possibilities.
As a way to raise aware- However, if it were to not work
ness of their goal, GC smokers
Congratulations to the CO for win-
out, I believe that Gandalf is
have proposed a symbolic take- ning the Woodward and Bernstein
available and seeking employ-
over of the current bus stop on
ment.” Award for journalistic integrity.
%1'*.#(%*8#3*56*,-#.(9*+!"&.*<=9*