Scars beneath our skins

Scars beneath our skins
a n o v e l l a
Cassandra Cabesas
Camille Lestones
Diana Marriz Naldoza
Jessa Mae De Guzman
Edgar Fernandez
Aiza Taculad
Mayfie Dulang
Henrhea Duay
Jheli May Carballo
Nikka Mae Galindez
Michelle Tamesis
Justine Paulo Tapil
Noelyn Gay Duran
Hilly Rose Guanzon
Gedan Beliran
Marj Fortich
Katrina Ann Caro
Doreen Jane Nuesca
Rutchel Saplot
Iriss Rabago

Diayanara Rose Cacho Erika Paglinawan
The silence,
a void
a word for pain
The scar
a trace
a window to the soul
The heart
it feels
and easily broken

W h o i s s h e ?
This is a new book slash journal of mine. I just filled the recent one because I discovered
doodling and filled the recent one with those. So…
I have been told to do so since the day I stopped going to school and started locking up myself
in my bedroom and discovering different kinds of father-like names mum started going out
with. It was the day after my dad, Kanye left mum and I.
The following week I remembered was the best birthday celebration I ever had my whole life
because mum took me to some amusement park and the following day I remembered I was
even more energetic because I get to do mountain climbing and camping at the forest the
following day but I remembered how I just stayed one night at the camping inside the tent
when a guy with a rose-tattoo on his arm called Oscar came to camp with us but I was sure the
face he had as he faced mum was a face of familiarity saying “I missed you”.
I did not quite enjoy that night. But the smells of smores by the bonfire made me want to go
out and grab some. I was so happy that night I did not remember how much of those I actually
ate. Oscar played the guitar and his slender body doing the grooves as he play country music
made me love that moment. Mum being amused with him and I did not matter that but the
laughs and singing and dancing was the best.
Mum told us a tale by the fire and I know it was a kind-of-explanation-tale on how and why
Oscar was with us during my birthday-week camp. I felt horrible I was enjoying the presence of
this man just a week after I was made fatherless. Later I realized I was the happiest as I saw
their hands intertwined and hugged me. I felt complete. Mum, Oscar, and I can be a new family
now.
We can be infinite.
Together.
But everything went crazy when I discovered Oscar, a guy my mum introduced me to during the
camp night was the man behind why dad left us. I then became unsure how I felt for Oscar. I
hated mum that he also hated Oscar because he is not his soul mate after all that can make me
feel loved as well as he did to her. I hated mum the most as I discover that she even broke up

with him and I think it is now my fault why she is loveless and that kind of paid my anger
towards her because I was also feeling guilty. I don’t know.
I stopped eating meals even bathing I just stayed inside my room and sleep and play final
fantasy on my play station dad gave me on my 10th
birthday.
She tried to fix me and brought me to a doctor. I don’t know what’s he called but I remember
his clinic does not even look like one. I sat on a sofa making me tell him the tale after my dad
left and how after he left I lost my appetite and later get even hungrier than ever, I
simultaneously feel extremely happy and real real sad even if it was a sunny day and many
more dualities that are unexplainable by a mere teenager like me can explain.
But then my mother, like how I have always remembered is an amazing woman who I believe
has tried her best looking for her other half by the moment she realized my dad isn’t the one
for her. I realized, Trying is difficult but I know it is worth the pain. My mother, despite being
broken hearted for a couple of times, has become my inspiration.
Every week she goes to someplace else leaving me with a ref loaded with goods and away she
stays for days and I would not be surprised when she comes back home telling me “I will find
him someday, this might not be the day yet but I will find him” and so my life searching for
mine started when I was fifteen.
Well, things just don’t go pretty well to us Wests.
Although I lost appetite I always get to eat plenty of junk foods whenever mum would leave me
with money and an afternoon hang out with my best friend. Were good childhood friends and
He’s a nerdy (yes, my friend’s a He) guy with those thick lenses we usually stereotype them
wearing, but yeah he’s wearing those. One time I tried wearing them and in a minute I got dizzy
and felt nauseous. He often times hang out with me though not at home because his place a
“mess” according to him and mine’s, well, boring empty. We go to parks and arcades and he
shares how stupid, and difficult, and strict, and ugh his dad was whenever he just made a ninja
move or whatever little mistake. He’s beaten so many times and that’s why I do not wonder
why he’s got no mom even before we actually became friends before they move here. And also
his bruises and wounds are not to be questioned already. It is every day though that he tells me
of his agony and sufferings caused by his dad but we always get to enjoy the rest of the day
when we do play station two players at home. He hanging out with me made me think back
then “Is he gay or am I lesbian? “
Anyways…
Were very close to each other and for goodness sake he knows the whole soul mate story I
have learned from mum of course and he was thinking it was him or might be him for me since
we grew up knowing the world together, might as well “we are for each other” he convinces
me with that joke. A kiss would be a good try we both agreed on but God have mercy on me he
is a gross kisser. His tongue all over my mouth and his braces hurts my lips. I remembered how I
spit blood that night I brushed my teeth as his brace caused a scratch on my lips. I don’t want to

get mad at him because he’s my best bud but it really hurts. I was pressing my lips that night
and cry myself to sleep not knowing what pain there was inside me.
Gross I know.
I remember the way I withdrew from him and slapped him hoping his braces would get off
somehow. I bet it was a hard slap because I remember the trace of my hand on his right cheek
even the next day at school. And after fifteen I get to transfer and that was the first time mum
and I actually live to another place closer to one of his soul mate suspect. I felt sad upon leaving
my best bud and he even cried the day I told him about mum and I leaving town.
I am pretty mature on my age which is a big talk at my new school where I easily get the
reputation and I think that’s a good thing because guys would look up to me and it was never a
difficult thing for me to distinguish hot guys to the lame ones like my best friend Theo, not that
he’s not actually hot but remembering the first kiss gives me the Goosebumps.
Kids here in the new place has become my people and they call me “pretty” and I confidently
felt glad how I automatically belonged to the cool kid’s group and that they, including the
teachers would look up to me as I pass the corridor even.
Going back to my soul mate suspect hunt, I started to have a proper boyfriend and I can’t
actually recall how many were they already but all that I can actually remember were those
that has a T on their names. I date guys at school who’s 2 years older than I am and it all turns
out fun to them but seeing how I can actually feel unsatisfied with them is a horror for me. It all
comes to me like “man! Am I gonna end up like mum?”
Things pretty much went well with Tyrone from the basketball team captain and we would
hang out every afternoon on the court before and after his practice and that he would walk me
home, it was the longest relationship I had so far. It lasted for 7 days! We actually got a
weeksary but just after he kissed me a celebratory kiss I broke up with him and that kind of
started every freaking relationship I ever had.
Despite having so many boyfriends I had in the past years, people did not even withdrew dare
calling me slut and stuff because I date guys who belong to such social level wherein they
needed not to climb on to because they’re on top. After Tyrone, I get to date my lab partner
Terrence who’s quiet a dimwit but heavens open when he smiles at me whenever I accidentally
pour some liquid substance on our table. He would say “that’s okay pretty. I got you” and yes
he did. We would make out after class and I would sit still on my seat pretending to talk to him
as we were actually waiting for the lab to be empty except us two. It was kind of usual to me
whenever I know how guys would be so aggressive when it comes to such but then there came
a time after lab my enthusiast on Terrence smile got all grey as I received a text from mum
saying Theo’s dad’s dead already. Terrence came to me looking all fierce and cute at the same
time but I just did not feel like it. I cried suddenly and that was crazy. He started fidgeting as he
was unsure what he actually did me. I can see him trying to look at himself hoping he can make
it right that I stop crying. Finally I stopped crying and he asked me what happened to me gently.
I find him sweet but I told him “I grieve for this day love but I just love you…” he’s leaning

forward, “no more.” I stood up and grabbed my bag and flipped my hair over him. “what?” he
asked for clarifications expecting this would last. “I love you no more” I said clearly straight to
his face.
Then comes the present School Council President who’s got this weird beard and yet devilishly
handsome face and with his earring I just knew it was him. It’s kind of hard to have him that
time because he was in a relationship with the girl named Anne who is running for the position
of Secretary of the Student Council. It’s the election week and I just made the most desperate
move I ever thought of. There was a call for desperate measure and there’s an urge to
necessary have Timothy, the President.
And so…
I ran as a Secretary of the School Council. Having so much influence being a school cheerleading
captain I just had the confident I’d win that. And I did. For the first time I actually felt victorious
even though it was for the place of a School Secretary and not on the heart of Timothy. School
Council had this urgent meeting causing my late arrival at home and that night, late for dinner, I
can’t believe mum’s actually home, at the sofa, asleep. Bottles of different brands I never had
were actually empty lying on the floor.
Seeing her that night, the moment I entered house immediately took all the bliss off me. I
started walling by the back of the just-closed door and sit on the floor realizing how such a
mistake of not finding my soul mate would actually make me end up like mum. Loveless,
abandoned, depressed, and lonely, I have always learned to define each from each other and
after that night of crying myself to sleep again on the floor my mum actually found me there in
the morning. Worried sick, she assisted me on my feet and we sat on the sofa she just woke up
from.
She told me how tired she has become of work which explains the exhaustion that I saw of hers
the time I arrived home. I am 17 now and I know how to distinguish a lie from an alibi given to
fool a kid from having tantrums. She saw how unconvinced I was and i remained dead silent.
She started snorting like a pig. A laugh actually left my mouth and that’s when I realized we
were both rolling on the floor laughing and snorting like pigs on a puddle of melted Cadbury.
I stopped seeing my doctor but he consistently checks up on me if I was still doing journal
writing. Every notebook I fill will be sent back to my old town where Toby lives and I used to.
Back at the school office I try to act cool on doing the Secretary duties but Timothy is just too
serious doing tedious works especially that the prom’s approaching. Anne get to visit him on
lunch breaks and I find it gross. I know he only have his eyes for Anne but I know there was
something in his eyes that really saw me inside by the moment pure bliss was what I
experienced winning the election. It was on the victory party that we actually started to bond as
a Student School Council. The president was the only male in the team and I know, by being
bias to myself that I look way more attractive than the treasurer who consistently touches her

ears as if she was checking if it was still on its place, and the auditor who was so obsessed with
herself that she get to ask me if ever I would prefer she wear the pink headband or the peach
floral bandana. The rest were mediocre intelligent and responsible nuggets. Why did I say
nuggets?
I never get to ask him personal stuff but I was even admiring him the moment I discovered him
being a black belter in Taekwondo. I saw this devilishly handsome man I know in the dojo doing
his training even after our meetings at School Council Room. He caught me peering at him and I
just smiled at him hand-brushing my hair slowly and he just stood there looking curios straight
towards me. And I left him a thing to think of tonight so I gave him a flying kiss and left.
And so, it was the time that I know he’s got his eyes on me on some times Anne was away from
him during the School Council’s working time. On lunch time he distributed soda but my bitch
wrist, unconsciously, flicked his hand so that the can dramatically fall on the floor as I was
thinking I might as well be given the second chance to actually catch it so I imagined it on slow
motion. Sadly, it did us no good and it fell. I feel my cheeks burning and returned to doing my
work and that pretended I did saw that although it really was impossible to think so.
There was a sudden awkwardness there.
He asked me after picking up the can of soda “so, what is it that you want Shane?” and that’s
when I gave an ambiguous meaning to it. I, unconsciously, again, said “you.”
“it’s up to you I mean” I cleared out to break the silence.
He looked even more devilishly handsome that moment he faced me with the eyes of
reassuring what he thought he heard from me.
I was finally feeling this kind of energy of positivity going to the prom the next week as I am
looking forward to being asked by him for me to go with.
Unfortunately he did not, when a guy, named Mark came inside the office claiming to be my
(ex) which I did not remember asked me to go to prom with him and knelt down on the floor
apologizing for a thing I do not specifically remembered gave a thing after he hugged me tight
as if were in an ldr. If it was just not inside the office I could have kicked his balls but to make it
on my advantage as well, I nodded at Mark, forced a smile and face my desk.
That’s when I hear Timothy abruptly call someone on the phone “you’re going to prom with me
babe” and hang up then return to work and demanded acquaintance to the gym where we’ll be
doing the prom preparations.
Seeing how things got pretty shitty now, I am really thinking he got jealous of that Mark so I
made him think more that I’m not interested at him anymore by not volunteering to go with
him at the gym.
So it did me quite the mood of hoping to actually make him jealous and that the reverse
psychology would work on him. I told mum how I’m doing good on my soul mate hunt and the

risks I took. She simply smiles at me. That warm gentle smile a mother makes at the movies
where they just see their new-born baby for the first time. It was weird; somehow I know she’s
sad. But then I think im an open book and did not want me to worry so she started snorting and
we found ourselves full with laughter that dinner.
As I sit back in my room remembering dad, I was hopeful he’s happy were over his carelessness
to me and mum. Speaking of dad, I came to wonder how my nerd best bud worst kisser friend
was doing now without his dad looking after him. I wish I could see him. I miss him. And starting
that time I missed him every time I came to think of dad. And I noticed how frequently I get sad
because I would automatically take a shower and not actually put shampoo and stuff.
Just getting into the shower.
At the prom, I started to look intimate with Mark as Timothy roams around with Anne beside
him but they’re not actually doing hhww. And I was like, “man! this is sweet! He’s finally over
her!”
I saw there was fury in Anne’s shadowed eyes as she pass us by with his boyfriend not even
holding him but cared to glance on pretty me.
The guy I was with seemed to look as if he was expecting I would fall for him but I pushed him
once he tried to sneak a kiss on me. I ran and hid from that freak. I can’t imagine how low
definition my mental image can get when it comes to the faces of my desperate exes.
How was it that I never even realize how many they were? Am I that stupid? Or am I really? Am
I all face and no brains? Did I just won the elections because I got peers and supporters but not
friends? Did my dad just left because mum and dad weren’t good friends at all? Or am I the
reason? Am I a heavy load to dad? Or to mum? Is it me that caused mum the weeping every
freaking time he breaks up with a guy she seemed not satisfied with? For how long will she be
searching and how long will these suffering cause us? I love mum and she loves me. She did. I
know by the time she did not gave up on me. And now were both in this kind of relationship
searching where we always end up bad.
I almost fainted but I remembered Timothy standing beside me as I was about to fall. I knew it
was him and that he was looking for me. I hugged him tight and I felt that warmth. I cried. He
just stood still as the slow music started playing, I just realized we were doing waltz.
I did not dare face him head up because I just felt the sudden urge to just dive in his heart and
feel it synchronize its beat with mine. It did. I felt calm and relaxed as he was more likely
carrying me as we dance. I just know it was him. He is the one who owns the other half of my
heart.
I feel complete.
For that moment, for the record, it felt like home. It felt like the snorts mum makes when I’m
down, the camping on every birthday I have, the home I always have but I always felt like
missing.

“Hey Titus, have you seen your brother?” I heard a familiar voice ask my soul mate
I took the courage and face her. I was confused to actually see Anne. She was also, obviously,
surprised to see me with them man she used to date dancing and cuddling me.
She seemed even glad I was with him, more like she’s relieved.
“Have you seen Timothy huh Shane?’’ she asked me
What the?! Is my soul mate now invisible that she cannot even see Timothy?
I was about to actually laugh at her when I smirk a voice loud and approaching us was
screaming “Titus!”
“Who the hell’s Titus?” I stupidly asked
“I am” I heard the man who has this devilishly handsome face I danced with earlier answer
innocently.
Just when I was about to face him with a dumbfounded look on my face (yes, I’m pretty aware
of my reaction and how my face would look like with it) when the voice came closer and it
turned out to be…
Timothy! It is Timothy! He approached us and throw a fist on Titus. Everyone covered mouth as
they were shocked to see two guys with the same face try to deform each other’s teasing
devilishly handsome face.
“Why are you dancing with Shane?” asked Timothy whom I recognized because of the tie he
usually wear as skinny one. I find it sexy though.
It was even freaking the life out of Anne now hearing such from his boyfriend.
It was pretty big mess now as it turned out to be that it was Titus whom I saw at the Dojo
training taekwondo and I gave a flying kiss to. I have made such mess and I’m not sure how this
mess will be that completeness I was searching.
I left the handsome twins wrestling each other on the supposed-dance floor when I heard Mark
trying to survey from people my whereabouts and as he saw the twins brawling he tried to stop
them but as they started making justifications whom “Shane was supposed to dance with”
Mark started babbling and saying I was on a date with him, that started the second round.
I left the party and found myself on my empty boring house. In my room, at my bed still on a
dress and shoes and make up, I faced to my right trying to enumerate the bad things that
happened because of the shit I made. The election, the flying kiss, the flicking of the soda, the
making-Timothy-jealous-of-Mark, the dance and cuddle with Titus…
I am so stupid.

I don’t know who else was more stupid than I am not thinking that a rare handsome face like
him would not be rare at all because he might have a duplicate. I wish mum was here tonight. I
wished for her to see how awful I was but at the second thought I wish for her not to see me so.
She’s been out for two days already and if this times she would go home on the fifth night,
there’s a possibility for her chance on the guy she’s currently dating. I saw this blade on my
bedside table.
And the bracelet I wore shone as if telling me “hey, notice me!”
I self-harmed. I tried to actually hurt myself more to feel the pain I have been curious what is
really. I tried to convince myself it was a physical pain.
“good morning sunshane!” I hear my mum gently whispering on my ears more sweetly this
time.
“I’m not going to school anymore. It’s embarrassing now.” I told her
“Why dear? What happened sweet heart?” she asked displaying concern.
“I’m not feeling” I demanded her to leave in that tone
The way she walked out of the room seems like the way how I remembered dad went out our
house.
I miss him. I miss mum, already.
Albeit I needed her beside me, she just went out silently wishing perhaps I be satisfied with her
absence in my room. I cried. My chest got tighter and I felt that something inside was tugging. I
can’t breathe. I can’t cry now, mum’s outside and anytime she might see me.
The door was not locked but I just can’t keep this inside. And so I cried…
I did not leave my room…
I cried. And cried …
But I am writing.

W h o i s h e ?
I need to fix myself and calm down, relax, breathe in; breathe out, focus focus focus,
that’s all I got to do. I’m afraid.
This is all part of the test. I need to pass the test – the test for freedom. This is a test. A
test a test a test. This is crazy but I’m not crazy. I’m nervous. I’m furious, I’m eager. I need to get
out. I have to blend in.
It’s going to be fine, Theo. They’re going to kill you. No. no no no no. They’re just
checking. Don’t do anything stupid. Just…focus.
My eyes hurt. My body cringing. My feet numb. I can’t move. How can I escape? How
can I sneak out from this bloody nuthouse?
They can’t put me in here. This isn’t real. This didn’t just happen, because people are not
just thrown in asylums. People are supposed to be loved – not supposed to be forgotten –
supposed to be cared – not abandoned.
The door clicks open. I see an opening. Quickly quickly quickly. Theo, focus.
1….2….3….run!
*****
Shane and I were climbing on the tree when I slipped my feet and fell. It was a hell of a bumpy
fall. And Shane? She laughed so hard. Her smile like sun, so radiant and stunning. Willing to
topple the embarrassment out of falling, I also laughed while scratching my head. That hurt.
She went down of the tree and invited me to ride a bike. I was happy, excited in fact. It was
really strange for me to have a friend like her. A nerd like me is supposed to be neglected. I
don’t deserve a friend. I’m ugly and a loser.

When in school, no one wants to sit next to me because they said I had a disease. They said I
had a plague virus that causes a person to constantly drool. I felt offended. I wanna hit them so
hard with my fists and see their faces bleed. But I was so small. And I don’t even know how to
throw a punch. My teacher just looked at me. And reminded me how tragic my life is.
My father doesn’t even want me. I knew it since the first time I learned how to understand
things. He blamed me of the miseries he had. My mother died of giving birth to me. My brother
saved my life when I was drowning, he died too. And our house was half burnt because I forgot
to off his cigarette.
My neighbours don’t wanna play with me because I might wreck their toys because I might
steal their toys.
But with Shane, everything was different. She filled the voids in me. She’s a missing piece to my
broken self. I don’t wanna lose her. I don’t wanna live miles from her. I wanna be with her. I
need her. I’ll find her. I will do whatever it takes to get her. Even if it requires me to kill.
I will.
*****
My fingers drenched in blood when I realized that the people who threw me here had no
mercy. My hands were shaking. I was shaking. It felt like a nightmare. I had never seen darkness
so invading that it devours every inch of my pale, thin self. I am even shaking right now. I
thought that seeing that open door would be my escape. But it led me just led me to another
prison – bigger than one I had before.
I found a piece of burnt wood that can color the gray walls – that can trace each of
its cracks. This is my outlet. My only hope of expression. It’s been 17, 530 hours since the last
time I saw a human being – since I felt a touch of another person – since the time that I was not
the only one living in this dark prison.
I learned to look at things, to stare at them.
The walls so wide so high so sturdy. My hands so little so brittle, dirty. The cracks on the
floor so used so scary so many. The lines on my skin so fresh it hurts, papercuts. How tall am I
now? Am I tall enough for her? Do I still stand shorter than her? Will I be good for her?
Memories. Flashbacks. The past.
This wood is my pen because I had no one to speak to since she was not here. She’s
supposed to be my friend. She’s supposed to comfort me. I am supposed to tell my stories…to
her…to the person no other than her.
Blanket. I need blanket. I need new clothes. I need new stuff to cover my bare skin. I need
warmth. It’s so cold so cold so cold so cold.
Please please please have mercy have mercy have mercy

I started to be desperate today.
I started to be keen today.
I need to see her.
I need to tell her my stories.
She needs to see me.
Now now now now
Now is the time.
I keep time in my head by counting seconds as they pass. I keep days in my head by
writing them down. Today is day 730th
. Today is Thursday. Today is a day – the last day.
Today.
*****
My father hit me again. His wallet got lost. He blamed me because tomorrow is Christmas and
he was buying a gift for me. At some point it felt nice. Because I know that there’s a hint of care
in his gestures. He may have punched me in the gut but I’m happy to know that his wallet got
lost because he was buying me a present.
I was even smiling when he was kicking my side. Smirking when he was trying to drown me in
the tub. Crying but laughing secretly when he was dragging me outside of the house and let me
stay there overnight.
Just as I was about to embrace that sweet moment. He said, ‘Don’t even think that I was trying
to buy a gift because I want to. I was buying you a gift because I like your teacher and I wanna
impress her. She’s my girlfriend now. Other than that, there’s nothing I felt for you. No love.
Purely hatred.’
I cried so hard.
Shane was there peering from the bushes. She immediately ran to me and hugged me. I was
glad she was there. I would have gone crazy without her. She listened to me. She comforted
me. She eased my pain.
She is mine.
*****
Some other instances.

Some other second, some other minute, some other hour, some other day or maybe a
month. A month without rain. A month without coldness. A month of warmth. A month where I
can feel my body blistering.
On the gloomiest days, you have to search for a spot of hope, even if it’s the slimmest
chance. You go for it; on the darkest days you have to search for light. You have to empower
yourself. Be yourself. Unleash the beast within you and break free.
Right now, nothing in my life makes sense but I will try sensing it to earn change. I need
to change. As soon as I get out from here. As soon as I kill the guards. As soon as I see her. As
soon as I weed out all that hinders me.
I am not crazy I am not insane I am not a nut crack I am not crazy I am not insane I am not a nut
crack I am not crazy I am not insane I am not a nut crack I am not crazy I am not insane I am not
a nut crack I am not crazy I am not insane I am not a nut crack I am not crazy I am not insane I
am not a nut crack I am not crazy I am not insane I am not a nut crack I am not crazy I am not
insane I am not a nut crack I am not crazy I am not insane I am not a nut crack I am not crazy I
am not insane I am not a nut crack I am not crazy I am not insane I am not a nut crack I am not
crazy I am not insane I am not a nut crack
*****
I was breathing heavily. He saw me. They saw me. That didn’t just happened. He forced me.
They all forced me.
I was walking my way home when my father waited outside of the door. He was holding a stick.
He looked ferocious. I was ready – ready to be hit.
He hit me.
He hit me the way I had never experienced before and that was too much to contain. I realised
that I had to fight back. I ran to the kitchen and look for anything I could use to fight him. I
found a short sharp thing like a small stick – a knife.
I hid under the table.
I was panting. I relaxed myself and focus. The only thing that mattered is I have to focus. Sight
the target and bury this knife in his chest.
Just as I was about to place, someone dragged my feet that I bumped my head in the metal
chairs. I supposed it was him.
My head bled. He strangled my neck. It was hard to breathe.
I slid my hand to my pocket and found the knife I was hiding. I kicked his crouch thrice till he
crumbled to the ground. I sat on his stomach and bury the f*ckin’ knife in his chest. I withdrew
the knife and buried it again. Withdrew. Buried. Withdrew. Buried.

He was not breathing.
I ran upstairs and hid at the attic.
Every step I made created a sound that is very creepy. Horror-ish.
I saw my toy chest and crouched beside it. I cried.
*****
I knew it. I knew that they are going to kill me. They are going to make an experiment of
me. They’re going to crack open my head and look what’s inside. That would hurt. A lot. No no
no no.
Where’s the window? No window. No window no window. I can’t breathe no air.
Wait! The floor! Maybe there are holes on it. Where. There. No. not in there. Here, ugh.
It’s a crack. Cracks on the floor. I can even fit myself in them. Crack cracks mother f*ckin’
craaaaacks! My head hurts. My ears bursting. I hear voice – like million decibels, banging!
*****
The sun shone and scratched my eyes. That was the time I realized I was awake.
I kneeled on the floor silently. Afraid that the police were downstairs and were looking for me.
I stood up in a bit and smelled something bad. It was a rotting smell. I searched where it came
from. Then, I realized it was from toy chest.
I opened it.
Was in the verge of tears when I saw my teacher’s head in it. I kicked the chest and it spilled out
everything it has contained.
More heads. More smell. I puked then walk around without even regarding everything.
I held my teacher’s head while remembering how she ruined my Christmas. ‘That bitch stole my
father from me, she needed to die okay? She needed a rest and I gave it to her. That’s called ‘a
present’. ’
I laughed. And cried. And laughed. And jumped. I tumbled. But I stood up and laughed. And
cried. And screamed, while laughing and crying.
I slept.
*****
There’s no light in here. I’m not sure where I’m writing. A few seconds, I realized that I was
pinning the charcoal on skin. I was writing on my skin.

Am I happy? Am I sad? Am I longing for her? Do I need her to touch me? Why don’t I kill myself?
I think it’s the best option – to kill myself. It the best way to end this agony. It’s really pathetic
but it was the first time I’d ever contemplated the possibility.
I think I’m crazy. Am I crazy? Yes , I am crazy – crazy for you by Madonna.
Am I scared? Am I sacred the first time I screamed? Am I scared the first time I killed? Am I
scared the first time they threw me in here? Am I numb of my feelings anymore? Am I numb of
the idea of happiness? Do still have emotions?
I am a blank. My life is a blank.
Hold tight, Theo. Don’t be sad. Believe in yourself. Think of a way. Stay strong.
One day. Marked the date Shane. One day we’ll meet again.
One day I will escape and we’ll be together.
Dam-di-dum-di-dum-da-doom-di-bum-bum-bum-bum-di-dum-ba. . . . . . .

H o w t h e y m e t .
Shane.
I locked up in my room thinking how the hell that mess happened at the prom. The doctor and mom
keptknockingonthe door buti decidedtostayinside andsneeksome junkfoodwhenmom’s away and
gets to be fetched by his boyfriend of the week.
A friendchatme on fb tellinghow Ihave tobe back on school thissemesterdespite the freaking dance-
semester-ender I came out to be the queen after all.
I ran out the house and remembered how I have not bathed in years. On the shower I was thinking,
(more like alife contemplatingmomentitis) how sweetasemesterstarter this was and fresh new boys
there will be.
I’m over Timothy and Titus. Ugh!
Just before I went out of the house, I received an anonymous text message that tugged my heart…

On my walk to school I kept staring at the text message “I’m on my way…”
Theo.
After spending goddam years in that asylum, I’m back. They really need to have guards who are
way smarter than a desperate freak.
It’s nice to have finally stepped out of that box and see the world I used to have.
I never felt this warm.
I went to my house – the old one I had. Upon entering, I remembered that this is exactly the
same setting it had before I was taken away.
Memories flashed back.
One two three four five fingers form one fist
One corner one parent three four five reasons to move on
The broken glasses, curdled blood clots and the stick
The stick was the reason I had to kill my father.
Anyway, so much for dramatic nonsense, I need to do the job – to find her, to be with her and
live happily for the rest of our lives.
The phone. Yes, the phone. Dialing…
‘West’s residence, may I know who’s speaking?’
‘Theo, this is Theo. May I speak with Shane?’
‘theo like, The Theo Raekin?’
‘yeah’
‘theo it’s me, Jane, Shane’s mom. how are you? Its two years’
‘oh, I’m fine. I was hoping if I could talk to Shane. Do a little bit of catching up.’
‘right now she’s asleep but I’ll wake her if you want. But then again, she’s a stubborn girl with ill
brooding sense of cooperation. I might just give her number so you can text’
‘That is cool. I’m enrolling in her school today anyway I’m listening’
Shane.
What glorious face this man I met on the way has.
He’s so hot I’m already melting.

“I’m so sorry. I wasn’t looking on the way” I quickly apologize as I avoid the stuttering.
Did he just smiled at me? In my face??
“hey!”he said.Man whatluck thisis,hisnotice seemedlike his greeting someone he was expecting on
the way, or is he? So I don’t want to get all the mess like what I did with the T-twins so I bet this is my
lucky day. And I’m grabbing this one.
“heeey? Have, weee, met befoooore?’ yeah, I kind have to do the slow-motion asking method so he
wouldkindof hookup a little longertohearme out.But, I meantit.I was curiousif we have metbefore.
He seemed familiar.
He seemed like a man I never met but I just knew I did.
What’s important is I have to have him.
And it was the start of it.
Theo.
I am nervous.
And as it turns out going back to school marks another pace of my life. It’s like the unbecoming
of the once sick child. But it’s easier when you think of your plans and harder when you do it.
Not to mention the trauma I had before with schools.
Anyway, people thought I was dead – that the loser boy is nowhere to be found so, the idea
covers me up. As I enter the gate, I heard my stomach crouched. Butterflies have been hungry
again I guess.
Several people are shouting and too many of them are looking at me as if I was foreign, and I
want their eyes surgically removed. They keep shouting. It’s irritating. I think it’s too much for
the greetings. It seemed like they haven’t seen for years when summer break is only two months
or maybe it’s just the discomfort of I’m feeling around many people since I’ve been locked away
from civilization for two years.
Blend in Theo. Blend in.
Wait, where’s the registration office? I have to register so I can be officially called student.
I walked straight. Turned left and there: The Registration office.
Hurry Theo, hurry.
I was running when a girl bumped.
Looked familiar. Yes she’s familiar because she’s the one I was telling. The girl I've been longing
to have – Shane.
Shane.

It turned out that he was a newbie and I came to be an instant school guide to him.
And yes, I let him in the registration office first.
Suddenly, while waiting for that hot stranger my phone vibrates.
Mum beeped.
“I see u left home sweetie. enjoy school. btw, I gave ur num to Theo. Say hi for me wen u meet
at school”
What. Was. That?
And out of the blue, a black cat just appeared in the lobby. And outside my man came, with his
black backpack and jeans plus plain white tops.
My thoughts of Theo flashed just randomly (I guess that’s just how special he is that he even
conquers this special place in my heart and internal organs even at this state that I get to have a
new boyfriend already) and I started having scattered-brain thoughts like “man I gotta leave
you here and please remain mediocre as much as possible and be null with alien girls flirting
mechanics as I go look for my best friend and please marry me when I came back.
“hey, I gotta run an errand at school because I’m kinda like the Secretary in the School Council.
That corridor over there is the classes and it’s newbie-friendly classrooms coz when I was new
here I easily found the detention room” I told him as I wave him bye-honey-I’ll-be-back wave.
I saw him smirked and let escape some little cute laugh. And I know that the kind of reaction he
has was so familiar and very welcoming. I feel like we can’t be infinite but we are Infinity. So
much to that…
I don’t know where to start looking for him. What could that guy be doing right now?
So I got real curious if that anonymous text is Theo. So I tried texting him
“Dude where are you? Theo is this really you?”
Immediately he replied “hello, let’s try catching up later? There’s obvsiously a rule for not
texting in class and being a secretary u urself better know that right?”
Just wow, I thought. Hey, how did he knew I was the School Council Secretary?
Well, what can I say? Famous people are simply famous, that’s all.
Theo.
I can barely believe she actually can’t remember me without the glasses and braces I used to
have and now that I look way cooler and a bit not-so skinnier.

I entered the room as if like some wimpy kid who’s new to school and trying to act normal to
avoid so much attention. Girls started whispering as I was acknowledged by the teacher and ask
me some paper I received from the Registration Office.
Whispers whispers whispers the whispers.
I hate the whispers.What if they call the guards.
What the people in the asylum are just steps away.
The shadows in the door. that dark knobs. so dark;
They might be shadow lurkers.
What if they don’t like me? What if I get bullied again? Will I get bad this time?
No.
I can’t
And I will not.
No Theo, nooo.
Do it. Do it safe. Do it nice. Do it simple.
For Shane.
“So class I expect you all to be nice to Theo Raekin” the teacher broke the awkward silence of
awesomeness the’r faces seem to manifest as they investigate my whole being that very
moment I was standing in front of 20 plus people.
I sat on that designated seat at the back, an admirable seat for texting.
Speaking of which I got a reply from my text to Shane this morning
“Dude where are you? Theo is this really you?”
She’s never lack that quirkiness in her despite being a member of the School Council she always
brings with her the irony and breaks the rules herself.
“see u by the gate after class. let’s hang out.” I texted her.
Seen.
Shane.
I’m thinking life way better now. I get to think free now that I got my best friend back. oh how I
miss Theo. And also my new boyfriend, what was his name again? Did he even told me? Or was
I just not listening to him because I was thinking of Theo?

Dang Theo!
Wait till I see you later.
I feel like skipping.
I never thought I was going to be this lucky today just so ironic to the black cat’s message as it
passed earlier.
Heller! Bad luck, I just wish you luck!
Theo.
This class is freaking boring. Might as well I told Shane we go cut class but I want to be a goody-
goodie now or else I don’t know what cage I’ll get incarcerated with again.
The silence. The mute.
Like pins they penetrate my ears.
I hate silence. I hate noise.
I hate being here.
I hate not seeing Shane.
Where is Shane.
Shane.
Class sure was boring as always but I’m glad there isn’t so much to work with at the School
Council Office and I better get to the school gate early.
I know how much that bastard hates late people. Haha
So…will I be seeing my man this afternoon? I was really hoping yes when the black cat just
appeared from nowhere and I shooed of course.
Proving it was wrong I texted him “where u now Theo? Im waiting here for 876542394 yrs
alrdy.”
Waiting for a reply text I was like fidgety that time by the gate as I see flock of junkies and
punks went out the campus grounds as the bell was annoyingly and excitingly bidding us
“goodbye students see you get brain tumour again tomorrow!”
My phone vibrates…
“sweetie, see you at dinner wd Theo. Olivander’s eating with us tonight and he’s got a news!!
Reply if read asap.” It’s mum

“whut’sup? Who’s Olivander again?” I texted her
“clue: diamond ring!! Omg he’s the one after that married man with a chin divided into three”
she fascinates me every time she gets to easily move on with every guy she breaks up with and
like I am to her, we do not share why we break up with our guys but I just noticed how the span
of relationship I get to have from a week lessens to 3 days (I’d never be shocked if I get to a
relationship that would last an hour)and I would never think of breaking this one I’m going to
have. Oh Mr Stranger.
the diamond ring makes it a night worth hurrying Theo for dinner to.
My phone vibrates and there’s that anonymous number I haven’t saved yet…
“on my way” it says
Students kept going and I can’t actually see Theo. Is he even looking for me like how crazy I was
looking-like here outside for him? I can’t find him. Maybe he’s changed his looks. Maybe he HAS
changed. It could be that he’s not the person I knew he was now.
Or
I did not even know him at all.
I was about to send my reply to mom when someone approached me…
“Hey! Shane!” hoping it was Theo
Theo
I ran towards her panting
“hey there?” she said
“let’s go Shane.” I told her
Amazed by my question she answered my question a question “are we going out?”
“Of course we are dimwit!”
I wrapped my arms around her and we walked out of that hell.
“let’s eat by the Cake-In-a-Jars”
JARS
Jars
where have I kept my jars.
“jars?”

“yes! I liked the idea how they put sweet and lovely stuff like the cake in it” she explained as if I
asked her.
“Let’s do that.” I have to be normal but I have to be real with Shane. She will understand my
situation.
After eating I told her we could actually stop by someplace cozy like my place.
She was skipping. Holding my hands her right my left, and it makes me skip too.
But the jars.
Jars.
Shane.
This Mr stranger im starting to love with all my heart that skips with me on our way to his place
makes me just happy that I get to be doing things as if were best friends and that he knows me
and recalling how different guys before him cannot even understand how I loved walking by the
left side and holding hands while skipping.
Were like going to be like infinity and beyond
I almost forgot Theo.
“were here!” he announced as I was searching for my phone but then he grabbed me inside the
house and that I felt so excited crashing to someone house but this time it’s my boyfriend’s.
Quite gloomy atmosphere there was.
I like the idea of not so modern house but he told me there’s something way better upstairs.
We ran upstairs and there’s this huge curtain that seems to cover some shelf or door maybe I
don’t care.
He sat on the floor in front of the flat screen tv and his game console.
“Hey! Do you have Final Fantasy?”
“duh. Wanna play?” he answered me the way so casual like Theo.
I suddenly felt guilty I was supposed to fetch him by the gate but here I was with some stranger
I call mine.
I paused and he was playing Squall already and he chose Rinoa on second player but I was just
standing still and indecisive, I felt like torned as to go check on Theo or go on playing girlfriend
boyfriend with this stranger.
“you know what? My best friend texted me today and I think being with you tonight is wrong. I
gotta go.” I have decided it’s enough for now.

If he’s mine, well tomorrow, another day- he is still mine.
Theo.
I’ve decided we play our all-time favourite- Final Fantasy. I play Squall and she’s always Rinoa.
Which I think she never thought we could be in the real life.
I just hope she does not ask about why my home’s empty and ask about where dad is because I
do not remember telling her I killed dad.
She might be with me, the comfort I feel, but as she was searching for something on her bag
made me feel unwanted.
I have to take this shot, im not letting her go now. I grabbed her and in my room we go.
I was waiting for her to sit down beside me but she was indecisive.
“I gotta go”
Wait what? Is there somebody else that has taken my place as her best friend? And now she
thinks being with her real best friend is wrong?
Shane.
Seeing Theo back makes me wanna love going to school. God I missed that nerd. But other than
that, I have this very awesome experience to share. Yesterday I was feeling the lovely breeze of
the air as it blows my skirt. I feel like I’m doing a runway show in the cornfields. Awesome.
I bumped in this guys, his name is Tirso. I found him hot so I kissed him on the lips with tongue.
Unsurprisingly, he kissed back. We sneaked out class and we made at the playground.
He sat on the swing.
I sat on his lap
We swayed.
Kissing.
Torridly.
Cloud nine.
That’s it.
Oh! I’m meeting him, today.
I hope Theo wouldn’t mind that I now have a new boyfriend. After all he was my first. And he’s
definitely my next. I just have to have a little bit of taste with this guy.
Theo.

Where’s Shane? I’ve been craving to have her since the first time I’ve bailed out myself from
that stupid jail and, she just left.
I’ll find her
Shane.
‘Hello? Tirso? Where art thou?’
‘Coming?’
‘Coming to what?’
‘Coming here?’
‘I was just leaving’
‘You’re coming here?’
‘what?’
‘sure’
‘see you’
Theo.
Shane’s calling.
‘Hello?’
‘Where are you’
‘In your house,? Why’d you left?’
‘I have some to show to you’
Shane.
He called me and invited me to his house with, his voice was so full of resentment. So I went
there and checked on him. I was supposed to knock at his door but I saw it was slightly open. As
I came in the ambiance of his house was far different from what it was before, something has
change but I just didn't mind it. I saw him there sitting on his couch, our favorite spot in his
house.
I surprised him by hugging him from the back and he suddenly said, "I know it was you, come sit
beside me". So i sat beside him, then he laid on my lap just like what we do every time were
sitting on that couch and started reminiscing about our memories as childhood best friends. But
as we go along with our conversation I noticed that he was not looking in my eyes anymore he's
just staring at the ceiling, he looked so restless and I don't know why.

Suddenly he stood up holding my hand, hugged me so tight, and whispered something in my
ears. Tears were falling from my eyes upon hearing those words. He started kissing me from my
neck and I can feel the rush in my whole being, I felt wrecked inside and I can’t move. Then, he
suddenly stood up, starting to take off his clothes, I kicked his crouch and ran upstairs.
He ran after me and pulled my feet, I stumbled down, I can't move now, I wanted to shout but
no one was there except the two of us. He's upon me now and kissing me again saying" I've
been waiting for you, I want you so badly, I want you, I want you" with the tone of his voice
that seemed like craving for me, making my body as his wonderland.
Help me…stop it..theo…stop it.
Theo.
She was just stubborn I just wanna have a taste of her. I’ve been dying to have since I was a
freak
Hahahahaha.
Im a freak
Theo, you’re a freak.
Who’s Theo?
Me.
The knife. The knife.
Oh
Everything comes in handy.
‘Let me see your heart, Shane. Give it to me. You’re mine.’
‘What are you doing Theo?! You’re molesting me.’
‘You’re the missing piece of my heart. The one I’ve been dying to have’
Her heart her heart her heart.
My knife.
‘LET ME HAVE YOUR HEART! YOU BITCH!’
I got her heart. It’s still beating. My hand drenched with blood.
I love her heart. But there’s something wrong.
Something is missing

Her heart
Her heart is supposed to be the missing piece of mine.
It doesn’t look the way wanted I wanted it to be.
What have I done?
I killed her.
They’re going to take me back.
I don’t wanna live there.
Suck this life. Fuck this life.
I don’t wanna live.
No.
I wanna live.
I will make it my life’s mission.
I’m gonna live till I found the very last piece my heart wants.
But her heart. The blood. Everywhere.
My jars.
Where are my jars.
Inside the cabinet
I have to put this in my jar.
Together with my other jar of hearts.
There you go.
Done.
What have I done? Theo, what have you done.
I’m no murderer. I’m innocent.
I have to hide before they found.
I’m gonna lurk on the shadows.
The shadows.

The ones I’ve been afraid of.
They can help me right now.
I love shadows.
I killed Shane.
My friend.
The only one who loved me in the first place.
END.

Scars beneath our skins

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Scars beneath our skins