The narrative follows a 17-year-old girl named Anna, who struggles with her father's abandonment, leading her to rely on drugs for happiness and relief from her pain. After a harrowing experience that lands her in the hospital, she realizes the extent of her addiction and the impact it has on her mother and herself. As she attempts to recover and return home, she grapples with the temptation of returning to the very substance that offers her a fleeting sense of happiness.

1. Finding Anna
I found myself reaching for him last night, just like I have done every night for
almost 2 years now. Nothing satisfies the voices in my head like he does. He never lets
me down. I can count on him to lift me up whenever I need him to. Before I found him, I
like to think I had a decent life. I was never given more than what was needed, but got
what I wanted, until the move that is. The move that destroyed what I once considered
happiness. He is now my happiness and he will never let me down like they did.
Every Thursday night after mom and dad got home from work we would all go
out to eat at The Rare Pitt. Dad always got his steak, mom always got her chicken, and I
got whatever sounded good at the time. I can’t remember a time we ever missed our
Thursday night out together. That was our time, we laughed and joked for hours. One
Thursday night in April we were on our way to dinner when dad told us that he had
some big news. He said “There has been some issues at work and they are downsizing,
some people are transferring, some are staying, and some will no longer be employed.”
Mom and I weren’t sure how to take it yet, we just stared as he went on. “ They have
decided I am one of the few they would like to transfer to another branch. This is going
to be hard on all of us, but we will get through it together as a family. I have found a
beautiful home for us beside the beach in New Jersey. It will be amazing, I promise you
guys. I love you!” My father lied to me that night.
After the move, my father started spending more and more time away from
home. Mom knew why he was spending so much time away, she just couldn’t bring
herself to admit it. I knew it was coming, knew what was going to happen. Didn’t stop it
from hurting the day dad came home and told my mother he wanted a divorce. All I
kept thinking was how could he do that, how could he spend 14 years with me and my
mom and then decide to just leave us. I think that’s when I started looking, looking for
something or someone to help me through this mess I was now calling my life. After my

2. father left, I didn’t really see him. He came around a handful of times for a month or so,
then nothing, its been almost two in a half years now.
I hated being the new girl. Having to deal with the people talking about you and
asking question, all the weird looks from people who I clearly don’t fit in with. However,
this one group of kids always drew my curiosity, the way they dressed, acted, and carried
themselves. I had to know who they were and they showed me just that, i’m so happy
they did. They understood me when no one else did, that’s when they introduced me to
him.
Shortly after my father decided he no longer wanted to be a part of my life is
when they had finally accepted me into the group I so badly wanted to figure out since
the first day I saw them. Everything about how Audrey, Mark, Chris and Lydia held
themselves was always interesting to me and finally I was part of something again, and I
had him now. And oh my god did he make everything so much easier. I didn’t need him
as much then, as I do now. I’m 17 years old and it feels like I have just started living my
life, he makes me feel alive. Before, I didn’t know who I was, he helped me find myself.
He opened up the parts of my mind that I was never able to explore before. The way he
makes me forget about the pain is the best part, as he rushes through my veins and my
eyes begin to roll back, I remember what it’s like to truly live and to be happy. Without
him my world would be filled with hatred, sadness, and agony.
The other day after I got home from school I went to my room to get a fix, he
wasn’t where I had left him. I went straight to my mom's room and starting searching
everywhere, top to bottom I looked through everything. I knew she took him from me
because she think’s he’s bad, but she just doesn’t understand. As I continued to look, I
came across her Journal that was in her nightstand. I started to read bits and piece just
out of curiosity until I passed over a page that had my name on it, flipped back to it and
started reading,
“Anna has been acting different ever since her dad left and she started hanging out with
Audrey and them.. Her grades are dropping like crazy, she’s been out with friends and
hasn’t been returning my calls, she stays out so late and has me worried sick through the

3. night. When she is home she won’t speak to me, all she does is go into her room and
tries to hide that awful thing she seems to love.. I have found it numerous times and
flushed it, but she always finds more. I’m sick of this, I won’t let her do this to herself
anymore. The daughter I once knew had healthy skin with long brown curly hair. Her
once beautiful blue eyes are now shadowed with what she has become.. I’m taking this
junk away from her, and i’ll keep it away, for good!”
Well, I’ll be damned if she tries, I will do anything to keep him, she will not take him
away! I won’t let some drunken mess destroy my life all over again, first the move, then
the drinking, now she’s trying to take away the only thing that makes me happy, how
dare she!
I just came home from school to an empty room. No bed, no clothes, everything
was just gone, everything but what I had started hiding under the carpet in the corner of
my room. The important thing is she didn’t find him. She was sitting in the livingroom
when I first walked in, didn’t say a word, just let me walk into a room that was now
completely empty. I walked out and tried talking to her and all she said was
“Anna, I’m DONE. Get out of here!”
It scared me, my mother has never raised her voice at me like that. The look on her face
made it even worse, you could see the frustration in her eyes, along with the tears that
were starting to consume her eyes as she yelled. I don’t know what to do, I have nowhere
to go. My friends might let me stay at their place. I guess that’s it, she wants me gone, I’ll
show her gone. Besides the farther I am away from her, the happier I will be, because I’ll
be with him..
It’s been almost a week and I still can’t find a place to stay, none of my friends will let
me stay at their houses. It has been horrible, absolutely horrible. I can’t sleep, and I have
barely eaten anything. I’ve been sleeping at this old park that no one comes to. The
nights are so cold and I can never get comfortable. I can’t even think straight, I’m
constantly on edge because I can barely get a fix during the day. But when I do, it’s
amazing, I forget almost everything. The worst part is, I’m almost out of H, I have to
find more. My friends were always the ones to get it for me. But I know who they got
from and he’s seen me with them so I have to at least try. Earlier I was planning on

4. meeting a guy who goes to school with me. He told me to meet him in the alley between
the the Dollar General and Rite-Aid.. He was late but he showed, he acted so sketchy
and almost scared but he brought me H so I didn’t care. He didn’t have a lot to give me
but it would at least get me through a couple more nights. Tomorrow I’m going to see if
my mom will let me come back home, It’s scary being out here all alone. But now I have
him to help me forget about all that.
It was never ending, it was like I was falling through a bottomless pit. I could feel
my body shaking, almost as if I was standing on a tiny strip of land during an
Earthquake. I could barely breathe, how could something I love so much make me feel
so bad? I’m screaming but no words are coming out of my mouth. I can feel hands lifting
me up onto something. It’s so warm but so cold at the same time. Nothing makes sense,
everything that made me happy was making my body convulse in pain. I saw shadows
and heard mumbles along with them, they were talking to me but I couldn’t understand
what they were saying. I couldn’t control my own body, I was trapped within my
thoughts. Then it happened, I felt a familiar burning feeling in my arm. That’s when I
began to feel myself choking, they are rolling me over to stop me from choking. My
vision came back as I’m hurling into a medical bucket. I was then aware of everything.
Everything my mom said to me, everything that happened. It made sense. The thing that
scared my mother to death, had just happened. I could feel my heart breaking into so
many pieces. How could I bring so much pain upon my mother. I was all she had left
and I was almost wiped off the face of the Earth because of him.. No, because of IT!
A few hours later I woke up to beeping sounds and sobs. I was in the hospital. I
looked over at my mom and saw her crying; I didn’t know she was hurting that bad, she
cares for me so much and all I have done is mistreat her. And him? He was no where, He
is the one who put me in here. I know I had wasted most of my youth on it, but somehow
I still had a craving for it.. It had consumed my life and left me helpless. I counted on it
for so long to help me when all it was doing was slowly killing me. I realize now what I
have done. I pushed everything good away from me and surrounded myself with the
worst people and the most deadliest things. I was digging my own grave every time I
found a good vein to puncture. I can’t believe I let myself do this.

5. The doctors say I have to stay here for a couple of days to make sure I am healthy
from lack of food and water the last several months. They want me to join a rehab
program when I get out. They said the process will be hard at first but I know I’m strong,
I’ll get through it. I used to be able to do anything. I hope I can do this. But as long as my
mom is by my side, I’m sure i’ll be able to get through it.
My god was I wrong, I have never felt so much pain in my life. I can’t sleep; all I
think about is him. I have been curled up in my bed sweating, yet I’m so cold. I can’t
breathe without gagging. I can’t eat or drink anything without wanting to throw it up
immediately. I just want to give up, I can’t do this.. It’s only been a few days and it feels
like forever. I have never felt this much pain before in my life.. All I want it one more
chance with him.. It.. One more trip. My body won’t stop shaking, it needs a break from
this.
It’s been about two in a half weeks and I’m still in this hospital. The beginning of
this process was so horrible, but it’s getting easier, slowly. I still have trouble sleeping,
and occasionally I get the sweats still. I realize now how hard this really is, I thought I
could do it, but I have barely made it through. They are saying I may be able to go home
tomorrow, that’s going to be the hardest part. My appetite is starting to come a little, I
can eat more than what I ever remember before. I never realized how much I actually
starved myself. They also have me taking vitamins and something else I can’t remember
the name of, it’s for my stomach. They started those just a couple days ago, said I will
only need to take the medicine for my stomach for 2 weeks, and the vitamins they
recommended taking everyday for a while.
Mom and I had a long discussion on the way home from the hospital, obviously I
can come back but I have a lot more rule now than I ever had before. Since I’ve gotten
back home, we have slowly been moving all of my stuff back into my bedroom. Still have
to put everything back in its place and make sure to put all my clothes away. I had to go
up to the attic to get my clothes so I could put them back into my dresser. As I was
refolding everything and putting it away, I picked up a pair of jeans started folding them

6. and something fell out of the pocket, I put the jeans in their place in the dresser and
reached down to pick up whatever had fallen out. My heart stopped, it was him. I just
froze, it was him. He who had spent so many years with me and made me feel like the
most amazing thing on the Earth, but also him who had nearly killed me. And yet here
he was. He had to go, I had to get rid of it, I had to. I wasn’t going to let myself fall into
that mess all over again. But what should I do? Should I give it to mom and let her
handle it? Maybe if I do it, it will it finally make the little voice I have tried so badly to
ignore in the back of my head finally go away if I, myself flush him. I had to do it, I
couldn’t risk showing my mom and reminding her of what her daughter used to be. I
walked into the bathroom standing over the toilet getting ready to flush it… I just, I
couldn’t stop thinking about how he used to make me feel, all the pain, all the sadness, it
all just went away for a little while when I was with him. He was my everything… No, he
has to go.. But then again, one night won’t hurt anything....
Right?

7. and something fell out of the pocket, I put the jeans in their place in the dresser and
reached down to pick up whatever had fallen out. My heart stopped, it was him. I just
froze, it was him. He who had spent so many years with me and made me feel like the
most amazing thing on the Earth, but also him who had nearly killed me. And yet here
he was. He had to go, I had to get rid of it, I had to. I wasn’t going to let myself fall into
that mess all over again. But what should I do? Should I give it to mom and let her
handle it? Maybe if I do it, it will it finally make the little voice I have tried so badly to
ignore in the back of my head finally go away if I, myself flush him. I had to do it, I
couldn’t risk showing my mom and reminding her of what her daughter used to be. I
walked into the bathroom standing over the toilet getting ready to flush it… I just, I
couldn’t stop thinking about how he used to make me feel, all the pain, all the sadness, it
all just went away for a little while when I was with him. He was my everything… No, he
has to go.. But then again, one night won’t hurt anything....
Right?