Discuss the role of self-disclosure in the development of intimacy. Criteria/ 300 Level Forum Rubric Possible Points Student Points Initial post Analyzed the question(s), fact(s), issue(s), etc. and provided well-reasoned and substantive answers.  20 Supported ideas and responses using appropriate examples and references from texts, professional and/or academic websites, and other references.  (All references must be from professional and/or academic sources. Websites such as Wikipedia, about.com, and others such as these are NOT acceptable.) 20 Post meets the 300 word minimum requirement and is free from spelling/grammar errors 10 Timeliness:  initial post meets the Wed deadline 10 READING Introduction In this lesson, you will learn more about how married couples communicate, negotiate, manage tasks and manage conflict. These are the skills essential to maintaining a relationship and can make or break a relationship. Couples with healthy communication and conflict management are more likely to succeed, both early in their marriage and later when they have their own families. Couples with less functional communication and conflict management abilities are less likely to maintain their relationships. In the previous lesson, you touched on some of these ideas, as you learned about the tasks of newly married couples. Established couples must continue with many of the same strategies to accomplish similar relationship tasks. Nearly all family tasks require two skills: communication and conflict management. Topics covered include: · Communication in relationships · Conversational styles in couples · Conflict management for married couples · Marital violence Communication in Relationships Communication is essential for negotiating all marital tasks, including establishing a marital identity, defining marital roles and clarifying internal and external boundaries. According to Anderson and Sabatelli (2010, p. 154), “ Communication can be viewed as a symbolic and transactional process through which we create and share meanings.” Communication includes both verbal conversation and nonverbal signals, like tone, behavior and body language. The symbolic meaning of these various cues is understood by both parties. Each couple must establish their own rules for communication in the relationship, called a private message system —and not the one on Facebook. Since communication includes a range of nonverbal signals, all behavior within a relationship is a type of communication. It’s impossible not to communicate, although not all communication is healthy. The interactions you have with a partner are types of communication, but so are the things you avoid saying in a relationship. Basic Constructs of Communication Communication can be divided into several different constructs. The first of these is the message . The second is the metamessage , and the final is the framing of communication within the couple. Understanding the di ...

1. Discuss the role of self-disclosure in the development of
intimacy.
Criteria/ 300 Level Forum Rubric
Possible Points
Student Points
Initial post
Analyzed the question(s), fact(s), issue(s), etc. and provided
well-reasoned and substantive answers.
20
Supported ideas and responses using appropriate examples and
references from texts, professional and/or academic websites,
and other references. (All references must be from professional
and/or academic sources. Websites such as Wikipedia,
about.com, and others such as these are NOT acceptable.)
20
Post meets the 300 word minimum requirement and is free from
spelling/grammar errors
10
Timeliness: initial post meets the Wed deadline
10

2. READING
Introduction
In this lesson, you will learn more about how married couples
communicate, negotiate, manage tasks and manage conflict.
These are the skills essential to maintaining a relationship and
can make or break a relationship. Couples with healthy
communication and conflict management are more likely to
succeed, both early in their marriage and later when they have
their own families. Couples with less functional communication
and conflict management abilities are less likely to maintain
their relationships.
In the previous lesson, you touched on some of these ideas, as
you learned about the tasks of newly married couples.
Established couples must continue with many of the same
strategies to accomplish similar relationship tasks. Nearly all
family tasks require two skills: communication and conflict
management. Topics covered include:
· Communication in relationships
· Conversational styles in couples
· Conflict management for married couples
· Marital violence
Communication in Relationships
Communication is essential for negotiating all marital tasks,
including establishing a marital identity, defining marital roles

3. and clarifying internal and external boundaries. According to
Anderson and Sabatelli (2010, p. 154), “
Communication
can be viewed as a symbolic and transactional process through
which we create and share meanings.” Communication includes
both verbal conversation and nonverbal signals, like tone,
behavior and body language. The symbolic meaning of these
various cues is understood by both parties. Each couple must
establish their own rules for communication in the relationship,
called a private message system —and not the one on Facebook.
Since communication includes a range of nonverbal signals, all
behavior within a relationship is a type of communication. It’s
impossible not to communicate, although not all communication
is healthy. The interactions you have with a partner are types of
communication, but so are the things you avoid saying in a
relationship.
Basic Constructs of Communication
Communication can be divided into several different constructs.
The first of these is the
message
. The second is the
metamessage
, and the final is the
framing
of communication within the couple. Understanding the
different constructs of communication is essential. Without
these constructs, the information conveyed can be quite
different.
· MESSAGES
·
METAMESSAGES

4. ·
NONVERBAL SYMBOLS
·
FRAMING MESSAGES
Messages convey information when communication occurs.
Every message includes two different levels of content: the
content level and the relationship level. The content level is the
information directly provided, like “I went to the store and
bought what we need for dinner for your mother.” The content
level is what is directly said. The relationship level is the
inferred meaning in what you say, provided by context, tone,
facial expression, and other factors.
For instance, imagine the message about the dinner groceries
included here. That could be a straightforward statement that
the groceries have been purchased, but it could also have
additional layers of meaning. If your partner dislikes your
mother, that may impact the meaning of the statement. It could
also be changed if you were supposed to have done the
shopping, but failed to do so. The content level is quite clear,
but the relationship level is much more ambiguous.
The metamessage can be thought of as the message within the
message. Metamessages are shared by behavioral and nonverbal
cues, much like the relational level of messages. The
metamessage conveys information about three different
relationship factors.
This is how I see myself.
This is how I see you.

5. This is how I see you seeing me (Anderson & Sabatelli,
2010, p. 155).
When couples understand each other’s metamessages, they are
more able to meet one another’s needs and create a happy
relationship. If they do not recognize metamessages, they are
much more likely to come into conflict (Tannen, 2012).
Consider a rather ordinary interaction between a married
couple. Both have just come home from work, and one asks the
other how their day was. They get a tired and sad-sounding
“fine.” In this situation, did “fine” mean that the day went well
or at least adequately? In many cases, the answer is no. In fact,
the day did not go well, and the individual is hoping for a very
different response.
Metamessages are typically an indirect form of communication.
Different people may be more or less successful at recognizing
and reading metamessages. There are things couples can do to
improve their understanding of each other’s metamessages:
· Couples should recognize that communication styles and
metamessages are formed by the experiences in the family of
origin. One person may mean something very different than
another, even though the expressions, body language, and other
factors may be similar.
· Some couples question their relationship if they fail to
understand metamessages. It can take time, patience and effort
to understand metamessages in a relationship.
· Thoughtful couples can slow down their conversations to
reduce misunderstanding and listen carefully and actively to one
another. Active listening includes the work of rephrasing what
is heard to confirm that it’s been understood and understood

6. correctly.
Defensive responses to difficulty with metamessages can
damage overall communication between the couple. Avoiding
defensiveness and being willing to admit mistakes can improve
communication (Hartwell-Walker, 2016).
Nonverbal symbols are a key part of metamessages. These
nonverbal symbols include body movements, gestures,
expressions, postures and eye contact (Anderson & Sabatelli,
2010, p. 156). These nonverbal symbols can convey a
significant amount of information about meaning. While voice
quality, volume, and tone are not nonverbal, these are an
essential component of the metamessages associated with
speech.
These are the differences that clarify whether “fine,” to use our
earlier example, means fine, or means not fine at all. Fine, said
in a cheerful tone, probably means I had a good day. Fine, in an
ordinary tone, probably means the day was ordinary, or at least
that there’s no desire to discuss it further. Fine, in a very sad or
angry tone, does not mean fine at all. It may, in fact, mean that
the individual wants to talk about his or her day.
The framing of messages is how people hear the messages
communicated by others. This includes the message, the
metamessage, and their own perceptions of their partner.
Framing is the meaning the listener attributes to the
metamessage. This is a personal and subjective process,
influenced by the context of the relationship, the listener’s own
experiences, and other factors.
Framing is often the source of misunderstanding or even
conflicts in relationships. Messages can be interpreted as
controlling when the intent is to create a connection. “The same
exact words and gestures can be expressions of connection or

7. control—depending, of course, on (1) the message the sender
intends to convey; (2) the particular ways the message is
expressed; and (3) the way the message is interpreted or
framed.” (Anderson & Sabatelli, 2010, p. 157)
The way a listener frames a message can dramatically change its
meaning, in his or her eyes. Learning to recognize that framing
may not always match the message or metamessage can help
individuals in a relationship to improve their understanding and
communication.
Conversational Styles
Individuals each have a unique conversational style. The
conversational style
is a unique style of communicating with others (Anderson &
Sabatelli, 2010, p. 158). The conversational style is clearly
reflected in both what is said and how it is said.
While conversational styles are quite unique, there are several
common dimensions to conversational styles. Each of these
dimensions is important for understanding how people
communicate and how they shape both messages and
metamessages.
DEGREE OF DIRECTNESS
DEGREE OF INDIRECTNESS
HOW INTEREST OR DISINTEREST IS CONVEYED
CONGRUENCE/INCONGRUENCE
Communication Context
Different factors influence both how people shape the messages

8. they give to others and how they frame the messages that they
receive from others.
The
communication context
is the first of these factors. This is the physical and social
environment in which the communication takes place. Think
about the different environments in which you might have a
conversation during your relationship. You could be at home, in
your own living room or in a restaurant having a quiet meal.
You could also be engaging in sexual activity, or at a party, or
with a larger group of family. The same things said in these
different contexts, could appear quite different.
Both self-concept and self-esteem can impact communication in
various ways. Typically, higher self-esteem and better self-
concept are associated with the more direct communication. In
addition, individuals with higher self-esteem are less likely to
interpret others’ communication in negative ways. People with
low self-esteem are likely to frame messages in negative ways
and to believe others see them in negative ways.
Cultural rules shape communication, and can dramatically alter
the perception of communication. For instance, in some
cultures, eye contact is perceived as a sign of respect. In others,
it may be perceived as disrespectful. Cultural awareness can
help individuals to more accurately frame communications with
others in their personal, or even their professional lives.
The ways that individuals’ families of origin communicate also
shape communication for adults in relationships. Some families
are louder, and others are quieter. In some families, arguing,
bickering, or yelling are more tolerated and acceptable than in
others. If two people come from families of origin with very
different communication strategies, they may have a harder time
understanding one another and communicating effectively.

9. Gender and Communication
Gender can also impact conversational styles and
communication patterns. However, it is important to recognize
that differences and the impact of these differences vary from
person to person. These are broad generalizations, and the
differences on the basis of gender may be smaller or less than
expected in some cases. Substantial variations in
communication style between individuals are common
regardless of difference. Differences in communication on the
basis of gender are typically the result of gender-based
interpersonal orientations (Anderson & Sabatelli, 2010, p. 161).
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·
Some of the differences in communication between men and
women are specifically related to how and when each uses
language. In broad terms, women are more likely to use
language to determine what they’re feeling, while men are more
likely to use in a productive way. As children, and into
adulthood, women talk to create and maintain relationships,
while men do things to create and maintain relationships (Berl,
2013).
Communication and Intimacy
Maintaining a marriage or serious relationship requires multiple
levels of communication. First, there is basic communication.
This is communication about the needs and situations associated
with daily life. It might be a request to pick up milk on the way
home from work or information about family activities. This

10. basic information usually lacks additional meaning. It’s quite
straightforward and relatively unemotional in most cases.
However, it can occasionally cause conflict if the related tasks
are not well-negotiated.
Communication also supports, creates and maintains intimacy in
married couples. Married couples must develop a private
message system that supports and encourages closeness and
intimacy. This is communication that tells the partner that they
are loved and valued in the relationship. Several different
elements in the communication process support this feeling of
intimacy and closeness.
CONFIRMATION SELF-DISCLOSURE RULE OF
RECIPROCITI don't know
to 1.
Transaction Management
Misunderstandings and conflicts are inevitable in any
relationship. A
misunderstanding
occurs when one party frames a message in a way that was not
intended by the speaker. Conflict occurs when the two parties
disagree about something.
Transaction management
refers to how a couple handles misunderstandings and conflict.
A number of different factors impact how successfully an
individual couple manages transactions.
METACOMMUNICATION
LEVELING
LISTENING

11. ADAPTING TO THE SITUATION
Conflict in Marriage
Conflict is a direct and acknowledged opposition between the
parties that they identify as a source of difficulty in the
marriage (Anderson & Sabatelli, 2010, p. 172). As such,
conflict is a stressor in the relationship. While conflict is a
source of stress, it may be either positive or negative. Healthy
and appropriate conflict management can increase intimacy and
closeness in a relationship. Poor conflict management will have
a negative effect on the marriage. Effective conflict
management is adaptable. The patterns in the relationship
change to reduce frustration and upset. Poor conflict
management maintains patterns, and frustration and upset may
increase.
TYPES OF CONFLICT
Research has shown that many couples have the same type of
conflicts and that areas of conflict for couples in the West are
relatively universal. The same areas of conflict impact gay and
lesbian relationships. Minor issues can quite easily become
significant conflicts in a relationship. An individual couple may
find that they have recurrent fights over where to store the soy
sauce or how the put the toilet paper on the roll. In some cases,
these conflicts take on an unexpected or illogical degree of
importance.
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›
· Lack of Quality Time

12. A lack of quality time spent together as a couple. This is a
common issue between couples. One, and in some cases, both
partners may perceive a lack of commitment to the relationship
or interest in the partner.
The Sources of Conflict
Regardless of the specific conflict, most marital conflicts have a
source that is deeper than whether or not the toilet seat was left
up, or how much to spend and how much to save. These are
deeper conflicts or different sets of expectations about
relationships, marriage, and responsibilities.
· ROLE EXPECTATIONS IN MARRIAGE
·
BALANCING SEPARATION AND CONNECTION
·
FAIRNESS AND EQUITY
Feminine communication is often intended, either consciously
or unconsciously, to build and maintain relationships. Women
are more likely to disclose personal information and to seek
comparable disclosures, to share expressions of sympathy or
empathy, and to work to increase the engagement and comfort
of others in the conversation. Feminine communication is more
likely to involve engaged body language, gestures, and physical
contact. However, it’s also more likely to be tentative or
questioning. Indirect communication may be more likely for
women than for men (Anderson & Sabatelli, 2010, p. 161).
Masculine communication is more likely to be focused on
solutions and problem-solving than women’s communication.
Men are more likely to be direct and assertive in conversation
and may be more likely to dominate the conversation. They may

13. make an effort to maintain control of the conversation and are
less likely to offer emotional or personal disclosures.
There are two explanations for these differences: power and
socialization. In many cultures, women have less social power
than men. This produces communication that is more tentative
for women. It also produces communication patterns that are
more dominant and assertive for men. The second explanation
suggests that women are socialized to be more empathetic and
caring, thereby producing different communication patterns.
These differences in communication style can cause
misunderstandings in relationships. You’re probably familiar
with some of these stereotypical problems. They’re common
even in mass media. Think of a television sitcom. You’ve
almost certainly seen at least one in which a woman is
complaining about a problem, and a man is offering solutions,
but she doesn’t want the solutions. He doesn’t understand that’s
not her goal or why she’s talking about the situation.
Disagreements over role expectations in marriage are a
substantial source of conflict. When ideas about marital roles
are congruent or agree, there’s less chance of conflict. If ideas
about marital roles disagree, conflict is quite likely.
In broad terms, you can define marital roles as traditional or
modern. Traditional marital roles are divided along gender
lines. Primary financial responsibility, car maintenance, and
lawn care are typically considered masculine. Responsibility for
the home, children and emotional labor relating to the families
of origin are thought of as feminine tasks.
Modern marital roles advocate shared responsibility, for both
finances and the home. In a modern marriage, both parties are
likely to contribute financially, share household
responsibilities, and have an equal voice in decisions.

14. If both members of the couple have a preference for and
expectation of a very traditional relationship, they may feel
comfortable with these roles. If one member of the couple
expects a traditional relationship and the other has an image of
more modern roles, they both may feel that their partner is not
meeting their expectations.
Negotiations regarding role expectations typically begin with a
complaint from one partner, illustrating how the other isn’t
meeting their expectations. If the offending partner believes the
complaint is legitimate, the negotiation can be quite minimal,
with an apology and effort to correct the behavior. Effort from
the offending partner reduces stress and restores harmony.
If the offending partner believes that the accusation is unfair, or
that the expectations are not reasonable, the conflict will
continue and may escalate. Negotiations can be settled
peacefully, but this may be challenging, as both members of the
couple believe that their position is the correct one.
The Goals of Conflict Management
Conflict management plays a key role in the level of closeness
and intimacy in a relationship. Several distinct goals guide
conflict management strategies. Depending upon the goals in
the relationship, conflict management strategies can vary
significantly.
· INCREASING INTIMACY
·
CONFLICT ELIMINATION
·
POWER AND VICTORY

15. When couples prioritize increasing intimacy as the goal of
conflict management, they emphasize cooperation and
compromise. Both members of the couple may be more willing
to sacrifice for the well-being of their spouse and are more
likely to find their partner’s happiness rewarding. Individuals
work to be open and responsive. These couples are less likely to
react defensively to one another, and more likely to work out
mutually acceptable solutions.
The metamessage throughout these interactions is one of
closeness, respect, and intimacy. The couple typically
recognizes shared goals, interests, and values and feels good
about their relationship.
Negative Conflict Patterns
Patterns of negative behavior and conflict can significantly
damage relationships. In the last lesson, you learned about the
“Four Horsemen” or four behaviors closely connected with
relationship problems. Happy couples use these the least,
distressed couples use them some, and couples headed for
divorce use them a great deal.
· Criticism attacks your partner as a person.
· Defensiveness turns the problem back on your partner.
· Contempt is disrespectful language or behavior toward your
partner.
· Stonewalling is refusing to discuss conflicts with your partner
(Lisitsa, 2013).
If you’ve seen lists of things in your relationship that are
serious signs of trouble, you may be familiar with gestures like

16. eye-rolling. These all fit within the Four Horsemen. Couples in
this situation are more likely to feed off the other’s negativity.
When both members of a couple have detached from the
relationship, they may be completely emotionally disengaged
from one another. In this case, they don’t typically display
negative behaviors, as they no longer care enough to bother.
During the conflict, people may experience a state of being both
emotionally and physically overwhelmed. This is called
flooding and may limit one’s ability to continue conversation
effectively. This is a fight or flight response and taking space
from the conflict may be essential before continuing.
Conflict in Happy Couples
Happy couples do experience conflict and may apply several
different conflict management strategies, even if those
strategies are not ideal. Happy, or happy enough, couples can be
grouped into three different conflict management strategies.
These are the validating couple, the volatile couple, and the
conflict-minimizing couple (Anderson & Sabatelli, 2010, p.
185).
The validating couple implements intimacy maintenance
strategies, including open communication and caring
negotiations. The volatile couple may argue loudly but are often
quite close and passionate. Their arguments are typically brief
and quickly resolved. The conflict-minimizing couple lacks
needed communication skills. They ignore conflict rather than
addressing it, but work to maintain a close and intimate
relationship regardless of the avoidance of conflict.
WHAT DEFINES A HAPPY COUPLE VERSUS ONE THAT
ISN’T?

17. ‹
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· Balancing Positive and Negative Interactions
A happy marriage typically includes five positive interactions
for every negative interaction.
Marriage Violence
Marital violence remains a common problem. Estimates suggest
that only seven percent of domestic assaults are reported
(Anderson & Sabatelli, 2010, p. 192). In understanding marital
violence, it is critical to remember that either member of the
couple can be the victim and that marital violence also occurs in
gay and lesbian relationships. Women are, however, more often
the victim of marital violence, and more likely to be seriously
injured by marital violence.
Many different factors contribute to marital violence. Cultural
norms that tolerate or support violent and aggressive behavior
are a contributing factor to marital violence. A family legacy of
violence can play a significant role in marital violence. If
individuals have witnessed violence in the home, they are more
likely to engage in violent behavior in their own lives.
Situational factors and stressors may increase marital violence.
However, this may reflect aspects of reporting or a less-
significant difference than it appears.
In order to manage conflict in a violent relationship, the victim
may change their behavior to reduce the risk of violence. This is
a
complementary relationship
, but it does not provide a long-term solution to marital conflict
and the violence that accompanies it in these couples.

18. Conclusion
In a relationship, communication and conflict management are
closely related. One cannot exist without the other. However,
couples can maintain a happy relationship even with relatively
poor communication and conflict management. Good
communication facilitates good conflict management and a
happy relationship.
Communication includes both verbal and nonverbal
communication, as well as how the other party hears or frames
communication. Both partners must learn the other’s
conversational style, and adapt to meet each other’s needs.
Effective communication encourages intimacy and closeness in
the relationship.
Conflict management includes handling and adjusting all
disagreements within a marriage. Many of these disagreements
relate to conflicts in expectations of marital roles. Couples
adopt different conflict management styles, but not all of them
are effective or can produce a happy relationship. Negative
conflict management behaviors appear in most relationships but
cause lasting problems if they become common.
Key Terms
· C
·
E
·
F

19. ·
L
Communication: A symbolic and transactional process through
which we create and share information.
Communication Context: The situation in which communication
occurs.
Complementary Relationship: A relationship in which one
partner acquiesces to demands to reduce any risk of conflict.
This is common in violent relationships.
Confirmation: Positive feelings as a result of a partner’s
responses and feedback.
Conversational Style: A unique and personal way of
communicating with others.
· M
·
P
·
R
·
S
·
T
Message: The overt content of communication.

20. Metacommunication: Communicating about communication.
Metamessage: The subtext to a message.
Misunderstanding: Incorrectly framing a message or
metamessage.
References
Anderson, S. A., & Sabatelli, R. (2010
) Family Interaction: A Multigenerational Developmental
Perspective
. London: Pearson Learning
Solution
s.
Gaspard, T. (n.d.) How to break out of the pursuer-distancer
dance. Retrieved from
http://movingpastdivorce.com/2014/10/how-to-break-out-of-the-
pursuer-distancer-dance/
Krull, E. (2016) Marriage communication: 3 common mistakes
and how to fix them. Retrieved from
http://psychcentral.com/lib/marriage-communication-3-
common-mistakes-and-how-to-fix-them/

21. Lidipo, T. (2013) Relationship fairness: what a 50/50 balance
means. Retrieved from
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/relationship-fairness-what-a-
50-50-balance-means-0826134
Lingren, H. (1996) Managing conflict successfully. Retrieved
from
http://strongermarriage.org/married/managing-conflict-
successfully
Lisitsa, E. (2013) The four horsemen. Retrieved from
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-
criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
Tannen, D. (2012) Metamessages in family talk. Retrieved from
https://www.enotalone.com/parenting/4465.html