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Williams Biblical Truth Spiritual Physical Emotional Relational 1 Corinthians 6:19 Behavioral Editor's Notes copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams It’s hard to imagine the feelings that filled the hearts of Zerubabel and of Nehemiah as they rode through the city of Jerusalem. The Temple, once the center of Israel’s spiritual life, lay in ruins. The walls of the city, once a symbol of national stability and strength, lay in shambles. The text tells us that when news of the disrepair and devastation of the city reached Nehemiah, that he, “sat down and wept,” (Neh. 1:4). Seeing the devastation and ruin first hand must have brought an even greater sense of the loss and brokenness of his people. Eric held his head in his hands in my office. His life lay in ruins in front of him. His wife’s heart broken. His ministry as an elder in his church lost. His children humiliated by the publicity of their dad’s sin. His career ended because his sexual addiction led him to misuse a company computer to access pornography. This story has been repeated in my office and the offices of pastors and counselors in our nation more times than any of us care to count. At times I have asked God, “Is there any hope? Can these men be restored? Can others be saved the pain of their mistakes?” As I look at these two scenarios, I began to ask the Lord, “Father, is there a model somewhere in the midst of the brokenness of the world of Zerubabel and Nehemiah that can serve as a model to men who are seeking to rebuild their lives broken by sexual sin?” The apostle Paul tells us that our bodies are, “a temple of the Holy Spirit,” (1 Cor. 6:19). If God intervened in the time of Ezra and Nehemiah to give these men plans to rebuild the city and the temple, is it possible he has also given a plan for the rebuilding of our “temples” that lay broken as the result of sexual sin? The answer is a resounding, “YES!” As in the rebuilding of the walls and the temple, there are some experiences we can anticipate as we enter this process: 1. Facing Our Brokenness, (Nehemiah 1:4). 2. Discovering God’s Plan, (Nehemiah 3; Ezra 3) 3. Relying on God’s Provision, (Neh. 2:8; Ezra 1:4; 6:8-10). 4. Certain Opposition, (Ezra 4; Nehemiah chs. 4, 6). 5. The Hope of Restoration (Ezra 6:13-22; Neh. 6:15-7:3). Over the next six sessions, I invite you to join with me in discovering God’s blueprint for restoring the sexual integrity and wholeness. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams As we begin, I think it is important to ask a very simple question: “Why is this study so important?” As a pastor and a care giver to families, and men in particular, I can tell you that while there are many reasons a study such as this is important. God created us sexual beings. Scripture is filled with example after example, from Genesis 1 through the New Testament, that our sexuality is a gift of God. An entire book of the bible is dedicated to expressing the beauty of romantic love between a husband and wife (Song of Solomon). If this is so, then we need to understand what the purposes are that God has for this area of our lives. Furthermore, we need to understand what steps we can take and within what context our sexuality is to have its expression so as to gaurentee God’s best for our lives. The great potential benefit of our sexuality. I have come to a conclusion in my personal walk with Christ, and in my position as a spiritual leader within the church: the more Satan attempts to manipulate, twist, distort, and destroy people through a particular area, the more I need to look at what the blessing of that area might be if restored to its original place in God’s created order. Few areas of life receive as much attention from Satan as a person’s sexuality. Therefore, it calls us to thoroughly discover its’ God given potential. Sexuality impacts every corner of a man’s life. There are few aspects of a man’s life that so profoundly impact all other areas in the way that his sexuality does. The issue of a man’s sexual integrity touches every corner of his life from his family to his career to his personal sense of purpose and destiny, and ultimately it even shapes what he knows of God. Dr. Donald Joy calls sexuality our “first curriculum” about God, (Bonding, p. 28). Sexuality is a major area of concern. As I deal with men and listen to others who minister to men around the nation, there is a tidal wave of evidence suggesting that men consistently cite sexually related issues as a major concern in their life. Our national curiosity has reached the point of obsession. In a study of men by Archibald Hart, as much as 80% of men think about sex on at least a daily basis, ( The Sexual Man, p. 58). As a result, what God intended to be a part of our life, albeit an important one, has nearly become the focus of our life. Further studies show that interest in sex continues far into a man’s later years (Hart, p. 59). Sexually related issues are consistently cited as a hurdle to spiritual growth. In our attempts to disciple men and bring them to full maturity in Christ we also find that sexuality and the struggle to define what is “normal” or acceptable in the eyes of God is also a looming issue. It has become one of the most commonly cited issues of spiritual stronghold in the life of men. Interestingly, the apostle Paul mentions the issue in nearly every one of his epistles. Dramatic rise of sexual addiction in society at large, and among Christians. The truth of the matter is that the internet, cable/satelite TV, and mass media production industries have made pornography so accessible that men who once found it easy to avoid inappropriate sexual material can now view it anonymously, quickly, and free of charge. The targeting of young men, ages 14-17 by pornography industries virtually ensures that this problem is here to stay. Distribute Male Sexual Screening Addiction Test . copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams I can remember as a young man, some of my first days working on a construction crew. I was suddenly introduced to a whole new world of terms, items, tools, and ways of speaking that I was not entirely familiar with previously. I quickly had to learn the meaning of words like, coping saws, miters, jigs, kilz, camel tracks, and other assorted terminology. In our study, there is a phrase I want us to clearly understand before we go forward. This phrase is at the heart of what we are trying to develop in our lives through what we will learn in this study. Our goal in this study is to become men who are walking in a place of sexual integrity. To live in the freedom and wholeness of my God-given sexuality, committed to expressing my sexuality solely within the boundaries of God’s plan for my life as expressed in the Bible. To live in the freedom and wholeness of my God-given sexuality, committed to expressing my sexuality solely within the boundaries of God’s plan for my life as expressed in the Bible. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams As a regular element of this study, we will from time to time ask you to break up into small groups and discuss questions that are designed to help you begin talking openly about these issues with other men. The truth is, unless men have a place to openly discuss these issues in a uniquely male setting, they may well never experience the wholeness God has designed for them to achieve. As we have these discussion groups here are some important ground rules: The Group Must Be a Safe Place to: Be Honest Be Angry Have Healthy Conflict Express Sadness or Fear What Is Share Here, Stays Here We Will not Put Others Down We Will Make No Self-Righteous Statements We Will Take Responsibility for Ourselves; We Will not Blame Others We Will Be Open to the Spirit’s Guidance in All Discussions copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams One always has to be careful using statistics. They can say as little or as much as you would like them to say. However, one thing is clear from studies being done on Americans and their exposure to sexually explicit material: there is a clear upward trend. According to surveys cited by the National Coalition for the Protection of Families and Children: (http://www.nationalcoalition.org/stat.phtml?ID=53). The average American adolescent views 14,000 sexually explicit television scenes per year. Sexual content on television has grown from 56% of all shows in ’97-’98 to 75% in 2000. Nearly 31% of all children 10-17 yrs., with computers say they have seen a pornographic web site. 27.5 million Americans visited porn sites in January of 2002; 72% men 28% women. “ Sex” is the number one searched word on the internet. According to a U.S. News and World Report article, the porn industry recently took in more than $8 billion in one year-- “more than all revenues generated by rock and country music, more than America spent on Broadway productions, theater, ballet, jazz and classical music combined.” Promise Keepers poll revealed nearly 65% of respondents struggle with pornography. Leadership Journal survey (January 2001) revealed 36% of pastors responding had visited porn at least once in the last year; 21% a few times a year. Studies like these only reinforce what many men already know from personal experience: we live in a sexually charged culture in which the Enemy of our souls has free reign of the world’s most powerful communication mediums to exploit a man’s God given sexual appetites. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams One always has to be careful using statistics. They can say as little or as much as you would like them to say. However, one thing is clear from studies being done on Americans and their exposure to sexually explicit material: there is a clear upward trend. According to surveys cited by the National Coalition for the Protection of Families and Children: (http://www.nationalcoalition.org/stat.phtml?ID=53). The average American adolescent views 14,000 sexually explicit television scenes per year. Sexual content on television has grown from 56% of all shows in ’97-’98 to 75% in 2000. Nearly 31% of all children 10-17 yrs., with computers say they have seen a pornographic web site. 27.5 million Americans visited porn sites in January of 2002; 72% men 28% women. “ Sex” is the number one searched word on the internet. According to a U.S. News and World Report article, the porn industry recently took in more than $8 billion in one year-- “more than all revenues generated by rock and country music, more than America spent on Broadway productions, theater, ballet, jazz and classical music combined.” Promise Keepers poll revealed nearly 65% of respondents struggle with pornography. Leadership Journal survey (January 2001) revealed 36% of pastors responding had visited porn at least once in the last year; 21% a few times a year. Studies like these only reinforce what many men already know from personal experience: we live in a sexually charged culture in which the Enemy of our souls has free reign of the world’s most powerful communication mediums to exploit a man’s God given sexual appetites. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Anytime we approach a study like this in a group setting, I think it is important to establish some expectations from the outset. In the upcoming weeks it is my prayer that you will find this experience to provide you with the following: A biblical foundation for understanding our bodies and sexuality. If God is the architect of our sexuality, then he must be consulted first and foremost in our effort to define what is normal, what is healthy, and what is the purpose of this powerful gift. By the time our study is done, I hope to provide you with a solid biblical foundation for building not only your sexual values and practices, but those of your family and friends as well. A safe place to raise issues of concern related to sexuality and faith. Sex is not out of place in the church. The church must be a place where we can openly and honestly address issues that impact our life in the Lord. Because there are issues that are of a sensitive nature, we sometimes choose formats like this study. Throughout this study in here and in the women’s track, all the cards will be laid on the table. There are no stupid questions. There are no issues we will skirt around. Every honest and searching question will be taken seriously and answered in a biblically informed manner. Resources for living free in God’s plan for your sexuality. Each week you are going to receive resource tools that will help you develop and maintain a plan for personal, sexual integrity. We are going to provide you not only with the “ought to’s” but also with the “how to’s” and the “with what’s”. A place of to develop accountability in the fight for sexual integrity. The number one tool of Satan in keeping men bound to issues of sexual temptation is isolation. Through this class you will discover that the issue of which we speak is “every man’s battle.” Therefore, every man needs another man to help him in the fight. We call these partners, “Battle Buddies.” We will help you learn how to develop the relationships that lead to freedom and victory in the battle to maintain sexual purity. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Key Verse Each week, we will give you a key verse. This verse represents a biblical truth that we strongly encourage each man to internalize through memorization and repetitive exposure. Write it on a card. Put it where you will see it daily, or even hourly. The verse that serves as the anchor text of this entire study is found in the book of 1 Corinthians. Corinth was a church who struggled with many of the same issues we face nearly 2000 years later. In fact, in archeological studies done in the ancient city of Corinth, clay phallic figurines found in the temple of Asclepius indicates a significant rate of venereal disease in the city around Paul’s time. The emphasis Paul places on sexual expression within God’s plan in the book of 1 Corinthians in particular, shows that as today, the church struggled to break free from the sexual norms of its day. The verse that we will see each week as we begin our study is found in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20: (Have the men read this verse aloud together.) 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NIV)19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. There are three important principles I want you to notice in this verse: 1. Our body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. (Body as the physical dwelling place of God) 2. You are not your own. (Issue of Ownership/Stewardship/Lordship) 3. Honor God with your body. (Issue of Divine Purpose) copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams As you talk to any builder, they will tell you how critical it is to have a good set of plans before beginning to build or construct something. The larger or more intricate the project, the more critical a good design becomes. Nowhere is this more true than when a man undertakes the task of rebuilding his sexual integrity. Some may wonder, “Why use the term, ‘rebuild’?” The reason is quite simple: because the impact of sin is so complete in our lives, and because Satan has capitalized on our sexuality to introduce brokenness into the lives of men in our world, I believe it would be safe to say that no man, with the exception of Jesus Christ, has reached adulthood without pockets of brokenness with regard to his sexuality. Every man is at some level in the process of rebuilding his sexuality. This rebuilding might be the result of years and years of the impact of his sexual sin or the sexual sins committed against him. At other times, it may simply be the rebuilding that is necessary from the day to day wear and tear that occurs in a man’s thoughts and attitudes. Over the next five weeks we will address five components of a man’s life that impact his sexuality. Each area plays a unique role in the composite picture we call a “man.” Just as each phase of a building process requires that the other phases have been completed with quality and according to design, it is important that we give attention to each of these areas of our lives. If we do, the result we be that we can experience the blessing and promise of life contained in Jesus’ words in John 10:10 (NIV), The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. God designed our sexuality to be a source of blessing to us. But in order for this to occur, we also have to follow some of the greatest construction advice ever given: Matthew 7:24 (NIV)24 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The five areas of a man’s life that we will address are: Spiritual - How a man’s relationship with God impacts his sexuality. Physical - How a man’s body functions and how physical health impacts our sexuality. Emotional - How our sexuality, past and present, impacts our emotional health Relational - How we form bonds of friendship and intimacy with others at all levels. Behavioral - How we can guard our sexual integrity through practical behavioral changes. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Any time we set out to talk about the subject of sex, especially in a church environment, the question inevitably arises, “Why is it necessary for us to talk about this in a group? Can’t you just give us a book or some tapes and we’ll deal with this privately?” It is true that tapes and books can be one avenue of help in this area. But as suggested in his book, Under Construction , Donald Joy reminds us that it is only as men gather in groups characterized by truth telling, confidentiality, and support that we can push past our tendencies to hide behind the things that separate us from experiencing God’s blessing in our sexuality. Some of us hind behind fear and shame; others of us hide behind brash talk and a macho conquest mentality that equates sexuality with a sporting event. For far too long the Western church has remained silent on this topic. We have allowed our culture to teach us, to shape our values, and to train our children as to what our attitudes and practices should be in regard to sex. The result has been nothing short of devastating. It is time that the church recapture her place as the only repository of God’s perfect plan for rebuilding the brokenness of our sexuality. Some of the reasons we believe that gathering men together to study this topic as a group is beneficial include: Strength in the common struggle. As men we face a common struggle when it comes to our sexuality. Paul reminded the church of Corinth of this same truth in 1 Corinthians 10:13 when he said, “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.” Just as we have a common struggle, we also have a common opportunity to strengthen each other. In 1 Thessalonians 3:2, Paul says that Timothy was sent to “strengthen,” στηρίξαι , “to cause someone to become stronger in the sense of more firm and unchanging in attitude or belief,” the believers in Thessalonica (Louw, J. P. [1989; Published in electronic form by Logos Research Systems, 1996]. Greek-English lexicon of the New Testament : Based on semantic domains [electronic edition of the 2nd ed.] Page 677. New York: United Bible Societies). We need each other to help us remain strong in our resolve to rebuild our sexuality on the principles of God’s Word. Encouragement. Wrestling with the issues that surround our sexuality can become a tiresome task. It is an endeavor that we dare not embark on without someone to come beside us who can strengthen and encourage us along the way. Hebrews 10:25 reminds us of the importance of believers meeting together for the purpose of encouraging one another. This is especially true of men who are working to construct a healthy sexuality. It is easy to get discouraged in this process. Successes bring times of great exhileration. Failures can bring feelings of tremendous defeat. We need each other to stay encouraged. Accountability. While “accountability” is not a biblical term, it is a biblical concept. It includes the active participation of believers in one another’s lives as a means of helping to keep one another on track. We call these relationships, “battle buddies.” At times, the relationship may look like what Proverbs 27:17 describes: “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” At other times it looks like the relationship between David and Jonathan in 1 Samuel 18:1, “Jonathan became one in spirit with David.” Two men battling for and with one another to accomplish the purposes of God in their lives. Hope. When men meet together in groups they see men at all stages in the growth process. Men just beginning or struggling with various stages can see firsthand the fruit of faithfulness in another man’s life. Seeing this fruit gives him hope that whatever course his journey takes, the promises of God can be fulfilled in his life also. Meeting together can help us hold on to the promise of Philippians 1:6, “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. ” Build a support system to set and achieve growth goals. The process of building a life of sexual integrity is a lifelong process. It must be measured along the way, not tackled all at once. When men meet together, it gives them an opportunity to set intermediate goals and see them accomplished. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Each week we will provide you with resources to help you along with principles covered in our time together. These resources will be invaluable tools in helping you achieve God’s design for your life. This week’s resources are: Men’s Secret Wars, (Patrick Means, Baker Books, 2006). Healing Wounds of Sexual Addiction, (Mark Laaser, Zondervan 2004). www.purelifeministries.org www.faithfulandtrueministries.com copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams In 1173, one of the great pieces of European architecture and art had its beginning. A bell tower, known to us as the Leaning Tower of Pisa, was constructed by an architect whose identity is unknown, but whose failure to provide an adequate foundation for his masterpiece is historic. For over 800 years, architects have been attempting to prop up the tower that was built on marshy, unstable soil. Today, the building leans over 14 ft. out of perpendicular and its destruction is certain unless massive attempts are continued to undue what the original architect failed to do: provide an adequate foundation. Jesus used a parable about a similar building problem during his ministry. The parable is recorded in the Gospel of Matthew: Matthew 7:24-27 (NIV)24 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” Regardless of what area of our life we are attempting to build, unless we consult the Master architect, our work is eventually going to be in vain. Even a quick look at our culture will show how hopelessly lost our society is when it comes to giving men an adequate foundation on which to build their sexuality. For example, cohabitation, living together before marriage, has become an accepted, even encouraged practice in our culture. Yet reports by organizations such as the Family Research Council continue to show that couples who live together before marriage are: More prone to alcoholism Twice as likely to become aggressive with one another More likely to experience marital instability and marital dissatisfaction Three times more likely to experience depression Twenty times more likely to have child abuse occur within the home In this week’s study, we are going to make sure that we provide a solid foundation on which men can build their sexuality. By first addressing the spiritual dimension, we are going to put down a bedrock that will withstand whatever shifts occur in our culture. On this foundation we can build a lifetime of sexual integrity as we first seek to discover how the spiritual aspect of our lives impacts our sexuality. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Key Verse Review Series Key Verse: (Have the men read this verse aloud together.) 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NIV)19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. Review three important principles I want you to notice in this verse: 1. Our body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. (Body as the physical dwelling place of God) 2. You are not your own. (Issue of Ownership/Stewardship/Lordship) 3. Honor God with your body. (Issue of Divine Purpose) copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams As you remember from our last session, we are going back to God’s Word to discover our Creator’s original design for our sexuality. We gave you a blueprint showing how our lives are multi-faceted. The five areas of a man’s life that we will address are: Spiritual - How a man’s relationship with God impacts his sexuality. Physical - How a man’s body functions and how physical health impacts our sexuality. Emotional - How our sexuality, past and present, impacts our emotional health Relational - How we form bonds of friendship and intimacy with others at all levels. Behavioral - How we can guard our sexual integrity through practical behavioral changes. This week we begin by looking at the core of our lives: our spiritual component. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams I can remember as a young man, some of my first days working on a construction crew. I was suddenly introduced to a whole new world of terms, items, tools, and ways of speaking that I was not entirely familiar with previously. I quickly had to learn the meaning of words like, coping saws, miters, jigs, kilz, camel tracks, and other assorted terminology. In our study, there is a phrase I want us to clearly understand before we go forward. This phrase is at the heart of what we are trying to develop in our lives through what we will learn in this study. Our goal in this study is to become men who are walking in a place of sexual integrity. To live in the freedom and wholeness of my God-given sexuality, committed to expressing my sexuality solely within the boundaries of God’s plan for my life as expressed in the Bible. To live in the freedom and wholeness of my God-given sexuality, committed to expressing my sexuality solely within the boundaries of God’s plan for my life as expressed in the Bible. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams This week’s growth goal: To understand the relationship between sexual sin and the spiritual dimension of my life, and discover the spiritual resources Christ has made available to us in the journey toward sexual integrity. For as long as Neil could remember, he had struggled with issues of sexuality in his life. As a boy, he grew up in a family where inappropriate sexual material was readily available. The attitudes of his father and his older brothers were far from healthy. It was expected that to be a Connor was to have as many sexual conquests as possible. By the time Neil came to my office, his life was littered with broken marriages, fractured relationships with children, and a heart full of shame and guilt over his inability to keep a family together. “I’ve tried everything,” Neil told me sobbing. “I’ve been to counseling. I’ve been to SA meetings. I’ve tried to stop, but no matter what I try it just doesn’t seem to work.” I could tell from our conversation that Neil did not have a relationship with God that was currently an important part of his life. I asked him, “Neil, tell me the last time God was more than an emergency plan for you?” “When was the last time you made the Lord a part of your life because that is what you were created for, and not because he might be able to get you out of a tight spot?” Neil hung his head. The truth was, Neil had never come to the place where God had his hand on the helm of Neil’s life. God was simply an issue of convenience for him. Today, there are far too many men who are like Neil. Their lives are a legacy of devastation and their attempts to rebuild them fail, time and time again, because they lack the foundation that comes by releasing control of their lives to the direction and leadership of God in Christ. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Sexual freedom and sexual integrity begin with Jesus Christ. Look at this week’s key verse with me: John 8:36 (NIV)36 So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed . If you go back at look at the very beginning account of man’s journey on this earth you will find an amazing sequence of events. Genesis chapters 1-2, recall how God’s created order included the creation of mankind, (Gen. 1:27). This creation was to be the physical representation of God’s character and nature to the world he had made. In their relationship as man and woman, humankind would reflect the mystery of God’s nature: his ability to be both wholly other, and yet intimately involved; his capacity for justice and his ability to be compassionate; his power and his tenderness. Like the godhead, human beings were hard wired with the capacity for and need of relationships (Gen. 2:18). In response to this need, the Creator made two out of the one (Gen. 2:21-22). This pattern has continued in the conception and development of every child since. Along with providing humankind with everything necessary for living a fulfilled and meaningful existence: position, provision, productive activity, relationship – God also gave them something that put the entire created order at risk: free will. Without the opportunity to freely choose to love or to reject, the relational component of humanity was a mirage. Unless evil, or what was “not God” was possible, true relationship was not possible either. So God placed a boundary, a place of testing of man’s will in the Garden. A tree, the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, was off limits to the first couple (Gen. 2:17). Failure to live within this single prohibition would bring about a death sentence on mankind. In the final analysis, the first man and woman, exercising their free will, followed the influence of Satan, the embodiment of all that was not God, evil incarnate. They ate of the tree in response to the deceit of the Serpent and their own unwillingness to accept God’s provision as sufficient for their life. The result was eternally devastating. In the words of the apostle Paul, it launched a reign of death (Rom. 5:12). The good news is that God provided a “second Adam,” one that would be a life-giving spirit (1 Cor. 15:45). In Jesus Christ, all the potential of mankind could be restored. Through his life, death, and resurrection, all the life-destroying power of sin was broken (1 Cor. 15:55-57). The promise of the broken power of sin was not only for the life to come, but was to be a present reality in the lives of those who were followers of Jesus Christ, a promise of fullness in this life (Col. 2:10) that is but a foretaste of the fullness that will one day be ours. This is why Jesus says, “if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” If a man is going to experience the full freedom of his sexuality, he must first experience the freedom of his spirit. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams As human beings, we have three essential components to our lives: Our spirit – pneuma , that part of our life that relates to the spiritual realm; that which allows us to have fellowship with God. Our soul – pseuche, that part of our life that is composed of our mind (intellect), our will (decision making power), and our emotions (arena of feelings). Our bodies – soma , that part of us that relates to the physical realm of life. Because of sin, each of us is born with a spirit that is dead, unable to fellowship with God, making us destined for death and destruction. Romans 5:12 (NIV)12 Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned— However, when we invite Christ into our lives, our spirit is made alive. God dwells in us and our transformation has begun. Romans 8:10 (NIV)10 But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. The difficulty is, however, that while we may be saved, and on our way to heaven, there is a further pathway of maturity that we must pursue otherwise we will never experience the abundant and free life Christ came to give. We can be reborn in our spirit and yet be in bondage in the area of our soul which gets reflected in our bodies or our actions. The only way a man will ever walk free of any life controlling bondage, whether it be sexual or otherwise is to first be reborn in his spirit. John 6:63 – The Spirit gives life. Without the Spirit of God working to reconnect us with God, we will be hopelessly caught in the trap of sin and death. Any work at transformation without the inner work of spiritual transformation occurring first will be ultimately hopeless. Once our spirit is reborn, then we can begin the journey toward wholeness in our soul, and ultimately our bodies as well in the resurrection. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams What happens to us is that throughout our lives, beginning at the earliest ages, through sin done to us, and through sin we willingly participate in, Satan establishes hooks in our minds (through exposure to input through our eyes and ears), our emotions (through hurt, disappointment, etc), and our will (through conscious choices to act contrary to God’s will). ELABORATE ON HOOKS IN EACH AREA. Kevin’s story – a story of early, incidental exposure to pornography. Doug’s story – brokenness with his father, and abusive step-father led to hurt, anger, and depression acted out in an inability to be genuinely intimate with others. Dave’s story – a choice to spend time with a group of college friends whose values were contrary to what he knew was right, led to sexual experiences that followed him into his marriage. Specifically, in the area of sexual sin, deep hooks are set through the things we see, the music we listen to, the experiences we have, and the values that are reinforced to us. These hooks, also known as strongholds, become areas of Satanic influence and pockets of our lives where he still exercises authority. These strongholds are seen in 2 Corinthians 10:3-52 3 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. 4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. Contrary to the thinking of most who are trained to think from a Western, scientific, empirical mindset, there is a realm of life in which the supernatural touches the natural. Neil Anderson refers to as “the realm of the excluded middle,” ( The Bondage Breaker, p. 31). One of the areas in the realm of the excluded middle that Satan’s work is seen most clearly is in the soulish areas of a person’s life. Where God-designed emotional needs go unmet, and physical and relational needs are expressed inappropriately, devastating patterns of sin become deeply engraved into the human life. It is here that the forces of hell exert their most powerful influence, even in the life of born again believers. It is not until we confront these areas of stronghold head on that we can truly be free. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Now, before we go on, we need to make sure we don’t get the cart before the horse. There is a built in danger when we talk about issues of personal spiritual growth and maturity, or “sanctification,” to see that as what makes us right before God. Galatians 3:1-5 Sexual Purity Does Not Make A Man Right Before God – Faith Does MAKE NO MISTAKE! Sexual purity, i.e., expressing yourself sexually only within the confines of your marriage relationship, is not what makes you pleasing to God. Does it please God? Yes. Does it make you right before God? No. You can be right on matters of the law of God, and if you miss the matter of relationship with God you will still miss God’s plan for your life. This was the issue facing the Galatian church. The question arose, “How is it that the Spirit of God comes into our lives and begins to work in and through us?” By observing the Law? Or, in other words, by staying away from pornography, and sexual sin? NO! Faith alone makes us right before God. Sexual Purity Comes By The Same Way As Salvation Does – Participating With The Work Of The Spirit In My Life As followers of Christ, our response to live sexually pure lives is a response to the Spirit’s work in us; it is not the cause of the Spirit’s work in us. According to Galatians 5:22-23, “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” Sexual purity is the natural outflow of a life that is endeavoring to, “keep in step with the Spirit,” (Gal. 5:25). And yes, this does please God! copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams It is important we stop here and ask an important question: “Is sexual sin different from other sin?” Time does not permit us to go into a huge teaching on the nature of sin. Scripture affirms that if we are guilty of breaking any part of the law, we are guilty of all the law (James 2:10). The issue we are dealing with here is not whether one sin makes one more sinful, but are there certain sins which allow Satan to place deeper hooks into our lives than others? Are there sins that create areas of greater bondage and destruction than others? The answer is yes. The place where we can begin to see this is found in 1 Corinthians 6:12-20. In this passage, Paul challenges some common beliefs of the Corinthians. These beliefs are found in vv. 12ff., and had to do with freedoms a person has, especially as it regards the body since as we will see later, some in Corinth did not believe in a resurrection of the dead, therefore what happened in the body was irrelevant. Paul challenges this thinking. Here is what we discover: 1 Corinthians 6:12-20 “ Body” used loosely for “self” (v. 18) Many times in Scripture, any of the terms we saw for the aspects of a person: body, soul, and spirit, can also be used as a reference to the entire person. This is what is going on here since it is obvious that other sins such as drunkenness, fighting, violence, etc., are also sins committed and impacting the body. Thus, “sins sexually sins against his own body” should be seen as a reference to the impact of sexual sin on the entire person: body, soul, and spirit. Violates the most intimate expression between two people (Gen. 2:24) Sexual sin violates the most intimate expression of oneness between two people. This oneness was not only physical, but spiritual and emotional as well. When we link ourselves sexually, either through a physical act or through acts of lust, we unite ourselves to that person. The term for “unite,” is “to glue or join together.” A bond occurs through sexual union that deposits a part of the very essence of who we are with another person. Consequently, sexually promiscuous people become fractured souls with pieces of themselves all over the city, or all over the internet. Violates the “temple” principle. Because our lives are the place where the presence of God takes up residence in our world, the same care should be taken of our lives as was taken of the earthly temple to ensure that it is a place prepared for the presence of God to dwell. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams The magnificent news of the Gospel of the Kingdom of God is that there is a pathway of wholeness for broken people. Jesus’ self-described mission statement for his life and ministry declares that there is hope and freedom in Christ. Luke 4:18-19 (NIV)18 “The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, 19 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.” The first step believers need to take down the pathway to wholeness is to answer a very simple question: “What’s in your house?” In 2 Timothy 2:20-21, the apostle Paul says, 20 In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for noble purposes and some for ignoble. 21 If a man cleanses himself from the latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work. The illustration here is that a believer’s life is like a house containing all sorts of trinkets and items. Some of these are valuable and serve honorable purposes, others are not only made of worthless substances, but they serve dishonorable purposes in the home. In order for the entire house to be prepared for purposes that are honorable, we must do a thorough cleaning of those things that are serving dishonorable purposes in our lives. Attitudes, behaviors, secret sins, anything that dishonors Christ has to be brought out, cleaned out, and thrown out. MINI EXERCISE – What are some “dishonorable articles,” things in your house that are keeping you from being ready to be used by Christ for the purposes for which he created you? Write it in the house. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Our next step is to discover what God says about these things in our lives. We need to set out on a journey through God’s Word to discover the truth about ourselves, about our sin, and about our future. There is tremendous promise in this journey John 8:32; 17:17 (NIV)32 Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” 17 Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. We live in a world today that refuses to embrace the notion of absolute truth. The only absolute truth that is held in contemporary culture today is that everything is relative. The result is a society without moral direction. Keep these three simple words in mind: precept, principle, person. Josh McDowell in his book, Right from Wrong , reminds believers that what Scripture says is true, not because it is in the Bible, but because the Bible, the product of divine activity, contains time bound statements reflecting timeless principles, that owe their existence to the character of an eternal God. Why is adultery wrong? Not because the Bible says it’s wrong, but because there is a principle of fidelity with regard to marriage covenants in Scripture, and that principle owes its existence to God’s desire for fidelity in our relationship with Him. Men who desire to be men of sexual integrity must set out to rediscover what God’s Word says about their sexuality. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams One of the great things about life as a believer is that the Holy Spirit does not show us all at one time the profound changes that need to take place in our lives. Through our ongoing discovery of God’s truth, our life is peeled away like layers of an onion. Repent As we discover what God says about our lives, our attitudes, our behavior, and we discover that there are articles of dishonor in our house, areas of sin in our lives, our next step is to repent. Repentance is not simply admitting what we did, or that what we did was wrong. Confession vs. Repentance Confession involves speaking out, acknowledging verbally, what we have done. This is important. It is not until I hear myself say, “I have done. . .” that I really begin to grasp the gravity of what I’ve done. This is why James 5:16 says, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” Sin, especially sexual sin, thrives in the hidden world of shame and guilt. In the world of, “Nobody will understand,” “What will others think,” “I’m the only one who has ever done this,” sin thrives. When sin is exposed it’s power is broken. Repentance includes confession, but it goes far beyond recognition and acknowledging. Repentance Involves: Confessing – 1 John 1:9 Turning – 2 Corinthians 7:9-10 The sorrow brought about by confession should lead to repentance, μετάνοια, to change one’s way of life as the result of a complete change of thought and attitude with regard to sin and righteousnessLouw, J. P. (1989; Published in electronic form by Logos Research Systems, 1996). Greek-English lexicon of the New Testament : Based on semantic domains (electronic edition of the 2nd ed.) (Page 509). New York: United Bible societies. Renouncing – 2 Corinthians 4:2 Renouncing is the act of conscious assertion of opposition to something. Whereas before we cooperated with, reinforced through speech and belief, the values, ideals, behaviors of the pockets of sin in our lives, now we take a definitive stand, a point in time when we choose to break our allegiance to the rulers of these strongholds in our lives. Renew Your Mind – Rom 12:2 – Consciously exposing ourselves to God’s truth. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Conclude session with opportunity to enter a relationship with God through Christ. Lead in this prayer of repentance. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Draw the line in the sand. This is the definitive moment where we acknowledge that there is a spiritual realm at work in our life, and we make the decision to break free so that true healing can begin as we go on to walk as followers of Jesus Christ. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Each week we will provide you with resources to help you along with principles covered in our time together. These resources will be invaluable tools in helping you achieve God’s design for your life. This week’s resources are: Men Under Construction, by Donald Joy, Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1993. Faithful and True:Sexual Integrity in a Fallen World, Workbook, by Mark Laaser, with Leader/Facilitator Guide by Eli Machen, Nashville, TN: LifeWay Press, 1996. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams As you talk to any builder, they will tell you how critical it is to have a good set of plans before beginning to build or construct something. The larger or more intricate the project, the more critical a good design becomes. Nowhere is this more true than when a man undertakes the task of rebuilding his sexual integrity. Some may wonder, “Why use the term, ‘rebuild’?” The reason is quite simple: because the impact of sin is so complete in our lives, and because Satan has capitalized on our sexuality to introduce brokenness into the lives of men in our world, I believe it would be safe to say that no man, with the exception of Jesus Christ, has reached adulthood without pockets of brokenness with regard to his sexuality. Every man is at some level in the process of rebuilding his sexuality. This rebuilding might be the result of years and years of the impact of his sexual sin or the sexual sins committed against him. At other times, it may simply be the rebuilding that is necessary from the day to day wear and tear that occurs in a man’s thoughts and attitudes. Over the next five weeks we will address five components of a man’s life that impact his sexuality. Each area plays a unique role in the composite picture we call a “man.” Just as each phase of a building process requires that the other phases have been completed with quality and according to design, it is important that we give attention to each of these areas of our lives. If we do, the result we be that we can experience the blessing and promise of life contained in Jesus’ words in John 10:10 (NIV), The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. God designed our sexuality to be a source of blessing to us. But in order for this to occur, we also have to follow some of the greatest construction advice ever given: Matthew 7:24 (NIV)24 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The five areas of a man’s life that we will address are: Spiritual - How a man’s relationship with God impacts his sexuality. Physical - How a man’s body functions and how physical health impacts our sexuality. Emotional - How our sexuality, past and present, impacts our emotional health Relational - How we form bonds of friendship and intimacy with others at all levels. Behavioral - How we can guard our sexual integrity through practical behavioral changes. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Key Verse Review Series Key Verse: (Have the men read this verse aloud together.) 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NIV)19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. Review three important principles I want you to notice in this verse: 1. Our body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. (Body as the physical dwelling place of God) 2. You are not your own. (Issue of Ownership/Stewardship/Lordship) 3. Honor God with your body. (Issue of Divine Purpose) copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams I can remember as a young man, some of my first days working on a construction crew. I was suddenly introduced to a whole new world of terms, items, tools, and ways of speaking that I was not entirely familiar with previously. I quickly had to learn the meaning of words like, coping saws, miters, jigs, kilz, camel tracks, and other assorted terminology. In our study, there is a phrase I want us to clearly understand before we go forward. This phrase is at the heart of what we are trying to develop in our lives through what we will learn in this study. Our goal in this study is to become men who are walking in a place of sexual integrity. To live in the freedom and wholeness of my God-given sexuality, committed to expressing my sexuality solely within the boundaries of God’s plan for my life as expressed in the Bible. To live in the freedom and wholeness of my God-given sexuality, committed to expressing my sexuality solely within the boundaries of God’s plan for my life as expressed in the Bible. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams 1:24-31. Day six was Creation’s climax for it included mankind. Though man was the last creature mentioned in the account, he did not evolve; he was created. Human life was created in (lit., “as,” meaning “in essence as”) the image of God (v. 27). This image was imparted only to humans (2:7). “Image” (ṣelem) is used figuratively here, for God does not have a human form. Being in God’s image means that humans share, though imperfectly and finitely, in God’s nature, that is, in His communicable attributes (life, personality, truth, wisdom, love, holiness, justice), and so have the capacity for spiritual fellowship with Him.God’s purpose in creating human life in His image was functional: man is to rule or have dominion (1:26, 28). God’s dominion was presented by a “representative.” (Egyptian kings later, in idolatry, did a similar kind of thing: they represented their rule or dominion by making representative statues of themselves.) However, because of sin all things are not under man’s dominion (Heb. 2:8). But Jesus Christ will establish dominion over all the earth (Heb. 2:5-8) at His second coming.God pronounced His blessing on the male and the female : they were to be fruitful and increase in number. In Genesis, to be blessed was to be enriched and fertile. Such marvelous decrees of God would be significant for Israel, that was God’s representative on earth. She would enter the land of promise and would expect God’s continued blessing.Walvoord, J. F. (1983-c1985). The Bible knowledge commentary : An exposition of the scriptures (Ge 1:24). Wheaton, IL: Victor Books. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams I am a physical, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual reflection of God’s character and nature to my world. God’s nature is expressed in many ways. We know that God is a God who values relationships, he is creative, he is good, he is loving, he is a God who judges between good and evil. Part of God’s creative plan for this earth was to include a being that could represent his character qualities in a tangible, physical way. So, as part of God’s created order, he created us as human beings with physical bodies, with the capacity for emotions, intellect, and a spirit as the avenue of communion with our Creator. Each aspect of us is included when God pronounced us “very good.” I have been eternally impacted by the Fall. As part of our nature God included a free will. Without a free will, true relationship is impossible. That will was forever bent by humanity’s decision to follow our own way. The effects of it were pronounced from the outset of our rebellion: “. . .when you eat of it you shall surely die,” (Gen 2:17). Romans 5:16-17 says 16 Again, the gift of God is not like the result of the one man’s sin: The judgment followed one sin and brought condemnation, but the gift followed many trespasses and brought justification. 17 For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ. That death touched every dimension of our existence, including our bodies. I have a body that is part of God’s plan for my restoration. The good news is that God has not left us to the mercy of the pronouncement of death. Romans 5 reminds us that just as death came through one man, so also does life. 1 Corinthians 15:35-44 tells us of God’s plans to resurrect us to a bodily existence. To be human means to be a physical being. Jesus shows us that in his post-resurrection existence. He ate, he talked, he could be touched, yet there was something far different about the resurrected body. I am a person of eternal worth. Jesus pronounced my worth on the Cross. He also affirmed it in his teaching. See Matthew 6:26, “Are you not much more valuable than they?” My worth is not determined by my physical stature, my ability to run long distances, complete feats of great strength, or match up to the image of Hollywood. My worth comes from being the image bearer of God. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Experiences of Shame We know from the story of the Garden that there is a natural sense of shame that has entered our life since the introduction of sin: “I was afraid because I was naked,” (Gen 3:10). Many men have experiences that turn this natural shame into unhealthy shame. It may come as a result of being criticized for how they look. It may come as a result of sexual abuse at some level. Shame is when we feel bad about who we are. Guilt is when we feel bad about what we have done. Lack of Affirmation A lack of affirmation about our bodies from parents and other important people can bring about a sense of shame. When a man comes from a family where no one thinks he or she looks attractive, that same sense of shame is passed on to the kids. This can get reflected in an absence of good personal hygiene practices, or in making others feel bad about their short comings. Absence of Basic Education Some grow up without any real understanding about the care of their bodies. Everything from basic hygiene to fitness, to sexual practices can become obstacles to a healthy view of our bodies if we don’t understand how God has made us. Attitudes of Our Family of Origin How issues such as physical characteristics, sexuality, and members of the opposite sex are portrayed in our families of origin can be a huge obstacle in developing a healthy view of our bodies. Either we can get an over inflated view of the importance of physical appearance, or we can be exposed to a consistent stream of criticism of how others look. Tidal Wave of Cultural Opinion/Values The values of our culture as reflected in the media and world around us tends also to skew our view of ourselves. When we are surrounded by messages that to be attractive you have to be perfectly fit, perfectly built, and perfectly dressed, it leaves little room for the vast majority of people who are just average. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Human beings are a wonderous creation, a mysterious tapestry of physical, spiritual, emotional, and relational components. What we often fail to realize is the role that our physical health plays in the wholeness of the other dimensions as well. As it regards our sexuality, physical health is important for a number of reasons. A consistent pattern that can be observed in human beings is that stress has some very negative effects in our lives. Emotionally, stress results in depression and isolation. The physical impact of stress has been well documented. Heart disease, hypertension, digestive problems, are just a few of the results of stressful lifestyles. Stress weakens the immune system and makes us more prone to illness. Reduces Stress Related Temptation Not only does stress reduce our physical immune system, it also weakens our spiritual immune system. The more stress we live under, the more we are susceptible to temptation, especially sexual temptation. The man who returns to a lonely hotel room after a stressful day of sales calls and meetings is much more prone to sexual sin. Even Jesus experienced his greatest temptation, not at the beginning of his forty days of fasting, but at the end when the physical, emotional, and spiritual stress was at its’ greatest point. Reduces Fatigue Related Temptation Proper rest is another factor that increases our ability to stand against temptation. I believe this is one of the reasons Jesus made rest a part of the rhythm of his life (Mt. 14:22). When men are consistently fatigued, the ability of the mind and spirit to work in unity is greatly diminished. One of the ways our minds are renewed is not only through exposure to the Word, but also through rest. Many men experience their greatest moments of weakness on the other side of great success because of the fatigue factor. Increases Positive Attitude Toward Our Bodies An attitude of physical stewardship expressed in a healthy body increases an overall positive attitude toward our physical man. The man who has a positive view of his physical man, it’s importance in the eyes of God, and God’s plan for its’ ultimate restoration, will be careful how he treats his body in sexual matters. Sexually transmitted diseases and other consequences are often a result of sexual sin and indicate a general lack of regard for our physical man. Reinforces Stewardship Mentality When we take care of ourselves, it reinforces the stewardship principle. Just as consistent giving of the firstfruits of our labor reinforces the principle of God as provider, physical health reinforces God as creator and sustainer of life. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams One of the things I am notorious for in our family is starting projects that I don’t quite finish. That’s not to say that I don’t ever complete projects, but that I have more than my share of unfinished ones at any given moment. I haven’t yet decided if it is an indication of my stage in life, being the father of three middle elementary aged children, or if it is an indication of some hidden chink in my personality. It’s one thing to leave the corners of base mold unpainted, or to take a year to clean off your work bench in the new house you move into, or to take six months to replace a broken handle on a kitchen drawer. It is quite another thing to create a human being, and then apparently leave him incomplete. While that is not exactly how it went, the truth of the matter is, God created us intentionally incomplete. That is the basis for his pronouncement in Genesis 2:18 when he said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Believe it or not, our Heavenly Father created us as men, and women, with an emotional composition that is somewhat like a Tetris game. Places of emotional incompleteness that can only be filled by they other person’s ability to provide emotional support. For Adam, that came in the form of a partner, “suitable” for him. That word envisions the idea of “that which corresponds to something else,” like building blocks, a Tetris game, or the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. At about the sixteenth week of conception, a baby boy’s brain is given a special bath of chemicals from his mother called “androgens.” This bath successfully destroys over 25 million neurological fibers between the two hemispheres of his brain. What results is the ability of a man to be highly specialized and focused, even in times of emotional trauma. As well, his typically left brained, analytical orientation makes it much more difficult for him to connect with and articulate what is occurring in the right side or emotion oriented hemisphere of his brain. So, it is not uncommon when we begin to delve into the right side of the brain that many men break into a cold sweat. But as we will see in this session, how a man learns to give and receive emotional support has an important role in his journey toward sexual integrity. Without this important piece of the plan, men will often find themselves delving into sexual sin without realizing what they really need is to receive emotional care through appropriate, God-given channels in their lives. In fact, this week we are going to discover that there are at least ten specific emotional needs a man needs to learn to give and receive in his life as he constructs a life of sexual integrity. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Review the blueprint. The five areas of a man’s life that we will address are: Spiritual - How a man’s relationship with God impacts his sexuality. Physical - How a man’s body functions and how physical health impacts our sexuality. Emotional - How our sexuality, past and present, impacts our emotional health Relational - How we form bonds of friendship and intimacy with others at all levels. Behavioral - How we can guard our sexual integrity through practical behavioral changes. This week we will focus on the emotional dimension: how our emotions impact our sexuality. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Key Verse Review Series Key Verse: (Have the men read this verse aloud together.) 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NIV)19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. Review three important principles I want you to notice in this verse: 1. Our body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. (Body as the physical dwelling place of God) 2. You are not your own. (Issue of Ownership/Stewardship/Lordship) 3. Honor God with your body. (Issue of Divine Purpose) copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams I can remember as a young man, some of my first days working on a construction crew. I was suddenly introduced to a whole new world of terms, items, tools, and ways of speaking that I was not entirely familiar with previously. I quickly had to learn the meaning of words like, coping saws, miters, jigs, kilz, camel tracks, and other assorted terminology. In our study, there is a phrase I want us to clearly understand before we go forward. This phrase is at the heart of what we are trying to develop in our lives through what we will learn in this study. Our goal in this study is to become men who are walking in a place of sexual integrity. To live in the freedom and wholeness of my God-given sexuality, committed to expressing my sexuality solely within the boundaries of God’s plan for my life as expressed in the Bible. To live in the freedom and wholeness of my God-given sexuality, committed to expressing my sexuality solely within the boundaries of God’s plan for my life as expressed in the Bible. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams You will begin to identify which of the top ten intimacy needs are most important to you and how to express those needs to those God has provided in your life to help meet those needs. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams 1:24-31. Day six was Creation’s climax for it included mankind. Though man was the last creature mentioned in the account, he did not evolve; he was created. Human life was created in (lit., “as,” meaning “in essence as”) the image of God (v. 27). This image was imparted only to humans (2:7). “Image” (ṣelem) is used figuratively here, for God does not have a human form. Being in God’s image means that humans share, though imperfectly and finitely, in God’s nature, that is, in His communicable attributes (life, personality, truth, wisdom, love, holiness, justice), and so have the capacity for spiritual fellowship with Him.God’s purpose in creating human life in His image was functional: man is to rule or have dominion (1:26, 28). God’s dominion was presented by a “representative.” (Egyptian kings later, in idolatry, did a similar kind of thing: they represented their rule or dominion by making representative statues of themselves.) However, because of sin all things are not under man’s dominion (Heb. 2:8). But Jesus Christ will establish dominion over all the earth (Heb. 2:5-8) at His second coming.God pronounced His blessing on the male and the female : they were to be fruitful and increase in number. In Genesis, to be blessed was to be enriched and fertile. Such marvelous decrees of God would be significant for Israel, that was God’s representative on earth. She would enter the land of promise and would expect God’s continued blessing.Walvoord, J. F. (1983-c1985). The Bible knowledge commentary : An exposition of the scriptures (Ge 1:24). Wheaton, IL: Victor Books. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Top Ten Intimacy Needs adapted from, The Great Commandment Principle, by David Ferguson, Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, 1998. Attention – to take thought of another and convey appropriate care, interest, or concern; enter into another’s world, 1 Corinthians 12:25 so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other . Acceptance – deliberate and ready reception with a favorable response; to regard as good and proper. Romans 15:7 Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God. Appreciation – to recognize with gratitude; to communicate personal gratefulness for another person. 1 Corinthians 11:2 I praise you for remembering me in everything and for holding to the teachings, just as I passed them on to you. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Support – to come alongside and gently carry a problem or struggle; to assist. Galatians 6:2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Encouragement – to urge forward and positively persuade toward a goal; to inspire; to stimulate 1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. Affection – to communicate care and closeness through physical touch and affirming words 1 Thessalonians 2:8 (NASB) Having thus a fond affection for you, we were well-pleased to impart to you not only the gospel of God but also our own lives, because you had become very dear to us. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Respect – to value and regard highly; to convey great worth. 1 Peter 2:17 Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king . Security – freedom from exposure to danger; to put beyond hazard of losing or want; confidence in “harmony” of relationships 1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear. Comfort – to give strength and hope to; to ease the grief or pain 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Approval – to accept as satisfactory; to give formal or official sanction to; to have or express a favorable opinion Romans 14:18 because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and approved by men. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Review blueprint. The five areas of a man’s life that we will address are: Spiritual - How a man’s relationship with God impacts his sexuality. Physical - How a man’s body functions and how physical health impacts our sexuality. Emotional - How our sexuality, past and present, impacts our emotional health Relational - How we form bonds of friendship and intimacy with others at all levels. Behavioral - How we can guard our sexual integrity through practical behavioral changes. This week we will focus on the relational aspect: how our relationships impact our ability to walk in sexual integrity. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Key Verse Review Series Key Verse: (Have the men read this verse aloud together.) 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NIV)19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. Review three important principles I want you to notice in this verse: 1. Our body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. (Body as the physical dwelling place of God) 2. You are not your own. (Issue of Ownership/Stewardship/Lordship) 3. Honor God with your body. (Issue of Divine Purpose) copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Review the definition of sexual integrity as a means of keeping the goal fresh. To live in the freedom and wholeness of my God-given sexuality, committed to expressing my sexuality solely within the boundaries of God’s plan for my life as expressed in the Bible. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams This week’s Growth Goal: Begin to move away from aloneness and develop healthy, meaningful relationships in your journey to becoming a man of sexual integrity. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Key Point. . . The path to sexual integrity is one that must be walked with others. The man who walks alone is destined to compromise his sexual integrity. The man who builds meaningful relationships is well on his way to success. Ecclesiastes says it like this: Ecclesiastes 4:7-12 (NIV)7 Again I saw something meaningless under the sun: 8 There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. “For whom am I toiling,” he asked, “and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?” This too is meaningless— a miserable business! 9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: 10 If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! 11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams One of the most important biblical truths that a man can ever discover is that God created him incomplete. From the very beginning, God created us with needs, emotional, relational, and physical needs that can only be met by another person. We are wired by God incomplete. The events of Genesis 2 are no accident. The parade of the animals and naming of them by Adam created a sense of awareness on his part that everything had a corresponding partner, except him. God allows us to see our need for others so that we will live with a greater sense of appreciation for the gift he gives us in others. Adam expressed his appreciation in verse 23. Another important thing to note here is that this passage also served as a way of instructing the Jewish people that beastiality, a common in both the ancient and modern cultures, was inappropriate. Only the one by God from Adam’s side was the perfect counterpart. It is important for us to understand that this state of “need” occurred prior to sin. We often equate need with sinfulness or weakness. Yet, before there was sin, God created us with the need for other people. The old saying common in churches, “Me and Jesus is all I need,” is one of the most damaging, subtle lies the enemy has crafted against God’s people. Jesus, the only other sinless person also demonstrated the need for others. In Matthew 26:38, Jesus asked his disciples to stay with him during his greatest hour of trial. Notice what he said, “Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” He expressed his need for the emotional support of others. Imagine that. The creator of the universe walked as a sinless man, yet needed others in time of struggle. Until we realize our God-designed need for others, we will not begin to pursue those relationships that are essential to us walking as men of sexual integrity. What we see in Scripture is that God has provided three layers of relationships through which the emotional and intimacy needs of our lives are to be appropriately filled: Marriage Family Body of Christ copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams For us to begin moving toward the kind intimacy with our spouses, and with friends that truly meet the emotional needs of our lives, there are six characteristics of healthy intimacy that must characterize our lives. The following characteristics are taken from Faithful and True Workbook , by Mark Laaser, pp. 62-65. Initiative involves our willingness to take the risk to express how important someone is to you. It includes inviting others to share in the activities of your life and your willingness to risk sharing your own problems and issues. When men are unable to take initiative, they stay detached and passive. At times, it can take the form of playing the role of the victim and constantly blaming others or circumstances for things that are happening to them. A biblical principle that addresses this characteristic is found in Proverbs 18:24 (KJV)24 A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother. TAKE A MOMENT TO RATE YOURSELF ON THIS SCALE. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Presence is marked by a man’s ability to get past the surface. For us to have healthy relationships, we have to be able to connect and relate to others beyond just the weather. This is particularly important with our spouses and close friends. Learning to express out loud what is going on in our heads and hearts is a key element in this characteristic. It is also important for us to learn to ask questions that allow us to engage others at a meaningful level. A biblical principle that addresses this characteristic is found in Philippians 2:4 (NIV)4 Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. TAKE A MOMENT TO RATE YOURSELF ON THIS SCALE. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams The ability to finalize arrangements, follow through on commitments, end fights, and solve problems. When this is absent, men will tend to exaggerate their problems, use excuses, and blame others instead of bringing closure to issues. Some men will hind behind chronic workaholism and busyness to avoid bringing relational issues to closure. A biblical principle that addresses this characteristic is found in Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)26 “In your anger do not sin” a : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, TAKE A MOMENT TO RATE YOURSELF ON THIS SCALE. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams The ability to share what you are thinking and feeling. This includes being able to share the problems you are facing and being willing to ask for help. When we aren’t vulnerable we will find ourselves keeping our thoughts to ourselves and being particularly unwilling to admit struggles and difficulties. A biblical principle that addresses this characteristic is found in James 5:16 (NIV)16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. And, Galatians 6:2 (NIV)2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. TAKE A MOMENT TO RATE YOURSELF ON THIS SCALE. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams The ability to care for others without expecting something in return, as well as being able to empathize, support, and show care through appropriate, non-sexual touch (e.g., hand holding, giving a hug). The inability to nurture is often expressed by a desire to help as a means of controlling others, or giving “support” in a way that makes people feel rejected. In addition, physical touch is usually only a means to a sexual encounter. A biblical principle that addresses this characteristic is found in 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12 (NIV)11 For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, 12 encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory. TAKE A MOMENT TO RATE YOURSELF ON THIS SCALE. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Healthy friendships include the ability to be clear about what you think, believe, and feel; to express anger in appropriate ways, and openly share disagreements or resentments. Those who are dishonest claim not to have strong feelings, mask their anger, stuff their anger, or use their anger to control others. Those who are dishonest will choose to not make waves or engage conflict, even if it means sacrificing values. A biblical principle that addresses this characteristic is found in Ephesians 4:15 (NIV)15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. TAKE A MOMENT TO RATE YOURSELF ON THIS SCALE. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams The ability to see the fun side of life and build non-work related activities and opportunities for play into life. Those who are unhealthy relationally are compulsively busy and take a “life is a problem” approach to everything. The goal is to find the appropriate balance of seriousness and playfulness. A biblical principle that addresses this characteristic is found in Proverbs 17:22 (NIV)22 A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. TAKE A MOMENT TO RATE YOURSELF ON THIS SCALE. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Introduce concept of the “Battle Buddy.” Keys to an Effective Accountability Relationship Admit Your Need Take Initiative Set a Time Let It Develop Have a Plan Work the Plan Frequency – 2x a month Consistency Confidentiality Honesty Encouragement copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Review blueprint. The five areas of a man’s life that we will address are: Spiritual - How a man’s relationship with God impacts his sexuality. Physical - How a man’s body functions and how physical health impacts our sexuality. Emotional - How our sexuality, past and present, impacts our emotional health Relational - How we form bonds of friendship and intimacy with others at all levels. Behavioral - How we can guard our sexual integrity through practical behavioral changes. This week we will focus on the final aspect: how our behaviors and habits impact our attempts to become men of sexual integrity. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams Key Verse Review Series Key Verse: (Have the men read this verse aloud together.) 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NIV)19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. Review three important principles I want you to notice in this verse: 1. Our body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. (Body as the physical dwelling place of God) 2. You are not your own. (Issue of Ownership/Stewardship/Lordship) 3. Honor God with your body. (Issue of Divine Purpose) copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams I can remember as a young man, some of my first days working on a construction crew. I was suddenly introduced to a whole new world of terms, items, tools, and ways of speaking that I was not entirely familiar with previously. I quickly had to learn the meaning of words like, coping saws, miters, jigs, kilz, camel tracks, and other assorted terminology. In our study, there is a phrase I want us to clearly understand before we go forward. This phrase is at the heart of what we are trying to develop in our lives through what we will learn in this study. Our goal in this study is to become men who are walking in a place of sexual integrity. To live in the freedom and wholeness of my God-given sexuality, committed to expressing my sexuality solely within the boundaries of God’s plan for my life as expressed in the Bible. To live in the freedom and wholeness of my God-given sexuality, committed to expressing my sexuality solely within the boundaries of God’s plan for my life as expressed in the Bible. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams This is the great lie of pornography, masturbation, and every other form of sexual gratification outside of marriage. It offers the illusion of gratification without any of providing what gratification longs for the most: intimacy and companionship. Men who consistently practice sexual gratification outside of a marriage relationship are men who experience high levels of anger, resentment, frustration, and loneliness. It is not until sexual fulfillment becomes the by product of a healthy marriage that it will achieve its purpose in our lives. copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams copyright © 2003, 2009 Donald F. Williams
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