Reading: Page # Text Passage/Description of Text Your reactions, thoughts, meditations Running head: THE BLEED IN THE CREEK 1 The Bleed in the Creek Christian Hernandez CRW2001 THE BLEED IN THE CREEK 2 The Bleed in the Creek The night is dark and stormy. Clarissa has just broken up with her boyfriend of two years, Mark. She runs through the garden and trips on something; it is a musical box, one that she is familiar with, “this cannot be,” she says trembling, “where did this come from!” She drops the box and looks around. She is not sure of what or who she is looking for, but she is afraid. Afraid because that music box was evidence confiscated by the police as the murder weapon used to kill Marie, her best friend. No one had ever been apprehended for the murder but she blames herself. She knew that her connection to Mark somehow had something to do with Marie’s death, but she was too stubborn to end the relationship; even when she was confident that Mark played a part in it. She is snapped back to reality with a weird rustling in the bushes. Scared, Clarissa picks up the music box and runs back to her car. As she struggles getting her keys, a mysterious figure walks up behind her. “Hello Clar, remember me,” the figure whispers. Confused, Clarissa tries to scream but the figure knocks her unconscious, dragging her back into the woods next to the garden. Mystical Gardens has always been Clarissa’s favorite place. It was where she and Marie vowed to be best friends for life and where she and Mark shared their first kiss. She loves it because it is secluded; a lot of privacy, clean air, and a killer view, or the lovers’ peak. Anyone who enjoys their privacy came to the Mystical Gardens; it is home to many secrets. “Mark is weird Clar, be very careful.” Marie warned. “Oh Come on Em… not this again! Look, I know he is anti-social and a bit weird, but he is a sweet guy. He said for our next anniversary, we would go ice skating and come back here to watch the stars. I promise, once you get to know him, you will love him.” Nicholas Neilson 10990000003755937 I feel that little more build up could improve the story. It feels that you are just dropped in and it immediately starts with no buildup or some backstory. Maria Cahill 10990000000281516 When is this happening? Maria Cahill 10990000000281516 You could have this happen here, but without all of the reflection earlier. That's just an idea. Let's see her fear and panic. Then, have this person walk up. We don't have to know everything Clarissa knows right away. Maria Cahill 10990000000281516 tense shift Maria Cahill 10990000000281516 I agree with Nicholas. I DO like that you jump us into the story. However, consider showing us the night more. Let us see Clarissa running, sweat dripping off of her. Do you see? So, while you can basically keep this opening, added details an and some .

1. Reading:
Page #
Text Passage/Description of Text
Your reactions, thoughts, meditations

2. Running head: THE BLEED IN THE CREEK 1
The Bleed in the Creek
Christian Hernandez
CRW2001
THE BLEED IN THE CREEK 2

3. The Bleed in the Creek
The night is dark and stormy. Clarissa has just broken up with
her boyfriend of two
years, Mark. She runs through the garden and trips on
something; it is a musical box, one that
she is familiar with, “this cannot be,” she says trembling,
“where did this come from!” She drops
the box and looks around. She is not sure of what or who she is
looking for, but she is afraid.
Afraid because that music box was evidence confiscated by the
police as the murder weapon
used to kill Marie, her best friend. No one had ever been
apprehended for the murder but she
blames herself. She knew that her connection to Mark somehow
had something to do with
Marie’s death, but she was too stubborn to end the relationship;
even when she was confident
that Mark played a part in it. She is snapped back to reality with
a weird rustling in the bushes.
Scared, Clarissa picks up the music box and runs back to her
car. As she struggles getting her
keys, a mysterious figure walks up behind her. “Hello Clar,
remember me,” the figure whispers.
Confused, Clarissa tries to scream but the figure knocks her

4. unconscious, dragging her back into
the woods next to the garden.
Mystical Gardens has always been Clarissa’s favorite place. It
was where she and Marie
vowed to be best friends for life and where she and Mark shared
their first kiss. She loves it
because it is secluded; a lot of privacy, clean air, and a killer
view, or the lovers’ peak. Anyone
who enjoys their privacy came to the Mystical Gardens; it is
home to many secrets.
“Mark is weird Clar, be very careful.” Marie warned.
“Oh Come on Em… not this again! Look, I know he is anti-
social and a bit weird, but he is a
sweet guy. He said for our next anniversary, we would go ice
skating and come back here to
watch the stars. I promise, once you get to know him, you will
love him.”
Nicholas Neilson
10990000003755937
I feel that little more build up could improve the story. It feels
that you are just dropped in and it immediately starts with no
buildup or some backstory.
Maria Cahill
10990000000281516

5. When is this happening?
Maria Cahill
10990000000281516
You could have this happen here, but without all of the
reflection earlier. That's just an idea. Let's see her fear and
panic. Then, have this person walk up. We don't have to know
everything Clarissa knows right away.
Maria Cahill
10990000000281516
tense shift
Maria Cahill
10990000000281516
I agree with Nicholas. I DO like that you jump us into the
story. However, consider showing us the night more. Let us
see Clarissa running, sweat dripping off of her. Do you see?
So, while you can basically keep this opening, added details an
and some expansion would be helpful and make the first
paragraph more engaging.
Maria Cahill
10990000000281516
At this point, you are telling us too much. I like where this is
going; however, development is needed.
Maria Cahill
10990000000281516
tense
THE BLEED IN THE CREEK 3
“Clar, it has been one and a half years now. I still do not like
the guy. I am pretty sure I never

6. will. Look, the other day, when he was waiting for you to come
from class, I saw him talking to
some guy. It was pretty heated. All I am saying is to be careful.
Okay?”
“I hear you. I will carry pepper spray so that Mr. Scary doesn’t
hurt me, okay mum?” Clarissa
laughed.
Suddenly, she wakes up. Rubbing the back of her head, Marie’s
music box playing in the
background, she recalls the last conversation she had with
Marie, six months ago, on the day she
disappeared. Tears roll down her eyes. Marie was heading home
after school. They were
supposed to meet up for drinks and a movie but Mark called her
for an impromptu date. She
hated bailing on her best friend, but she knew she would
understand. Police said they found her
phone, tainted with blood. Last dialed number was Clarissa, but
the call went unanswered. She
tried to type something, all it said was “Clar… I was right about
Mark. Meet me at the diner
ASAP. I have something to sho….” the text was incomplete.
The police questioned Mark but he

7. said he had no idea what Marie had found out. There was
nothing tying him to her disappearance
and they ruled him out as a suspect. Marie’s body was found
three days later, at the creek a few
miles from the garden, her head crushed into her skull, and her
music box by her side. Given the
injuries on Marie’s head, police were able to identify that
Marie’s music box was the murder
weapon. However, there were no fingerprints or any other
physical clues pointed to anyone
Clarissa or Marie knew and police said their findings were not
promising.
“Eat!” Clarissa snaps back to the present when a plate of food is
pushed under the
concrete door. She stands up and tries to push the door. It is
locked. Judging by the smell of
flowers and terrain around her, she notices they are near the
garden. Her favorite flowers grew a
Maria Cahill
10990000000281516
Maria Cahill
10990000000281516
The timing and order of the story need to be checked.
Transitions are needed, and, perhaps some reorganization.

8. Maria Cahill
10990000000281516
realizes
Nicholas Neilson
10990000003755937
I feel this could be separated into 2 separate paragraphs, to help
the form of your paper.
THE BLEED IN THE CREEK 4
few miles near an old military bunker that was camouflaged by
trees and bushes, not easy to
find, unless you have a keen eye.
“Let me out of here! What do you want! Who are you!”
“All in due time Clarissa. You don’t know me, but I know you. I
have been watching you. Now
eat.”
Clarissa pushes the plate out of the door. She screams for help,
her captor, who she now
knows is a man, laughs. “Don’t waste your breath my sweet
Clarissa. No one can hear you. It’s
just you and me. If I were you, I would eat.” He pushes the
plate back into the cage. It’s a
sandwich with jelly, her favorite kind. She curls up to the
corner of the room and cries. What

9. luck her day has been; her boyfriend broke up with her on their
anniversary and now she has
been kidnapped. She tries finding her phone, anything that she
can use to get help. She realizes
she is not wearing any of the clothes she had prior to her
kidnapping. She is in a robe, and she
smelled clean, like the psychopath holding her captive had
bathed her.
“Please, my dad will be worried. I just need to call him and let
him know that I am okay. One
phone call is all I ask.”
“Don’t worry, daddy knows that his princess is studying with
Mona and they are having a
sleepover after. He already said he will be back in town on
Monday and that he can’t wait to see
you. It’s such a shame that you won’t get to say your final
goodbyes my dear.”
“No! Please, don’t kill me, I… I will do whatever you want…
please…”
“Oh, I won’t kill you, Mark will. Besides, he is the reason why
Marie is dead, poking his nose
into matters that don’t concern him. Well, this is the price he
has to pay.”
“Wha...What do you mean? Mark said… he couldn’t… he

10. doesn’t…”
THE BLEED IN THE CREEK 5
“Quit pretending my dear, Mark was gathering evidence against
my business, trying to get
revenge for me allegedly killing his mommy. It’s not my fault
the woman liked my product, I
certainly didn’t tell her to overdose on it. I told him to stop
poking his nose into my business and
he didn’t listen. Marie was just a warning. He still wouldn’t
stop pushing! He ruined my
business, had my brother killed, and now the police are on my
trail. Maybe your death will be a
life-long lesson, one that I will enjoy. Unlike Marie, yours will
be slow, painful. But don’t worry.
I’ll be gentle; I have many surprises for you.”
“We broke up! Please! Don’t kill me, I knew nothing about
this!”
Clarissa cried, she knew Mark had something to do with this but
she didn’t know why.
Why did he keep this from her? Who is this man? The guilt
finally kicked in. If she would have
said no to Mark, she would still have her best friend with her.

11. She would not be in this bunker,
unaware to her close friends and family. She would be with
Marie, having lemonades and talking
about the cute English substitute teacher with the British accent.
Nothing could bring her back
now, but it does not matter because Clarissa isn’t going to live
to tell the story. Suddenly, the
door opens, Mark is pushed inside. Clarissa does not know
whether to be happy, or sad. She
needed a familiar face, someone she can say goodbye to before
her death, but she wanted her
father. Not Mark, not the selfish man responsible for her best
friend’s death. He could have gone
to the police, told them what he knew. But he chose to remain
silent, kept this big secret to
himself, and the price is her life.
“Clar, I am so sorry. I didn’t want you to get dragged into this.
That’s why I broke up with you.”
“You killed Marie. It’s your fault! Now he wants to kill me!
Because of you, I won’t see my dad
ever. Stay away from me!”
Nicholas Neilson
10990000003755937

12. Maria Cahill
10990000000281516
I'm confused. There are too many gaps.
Nicholas Neilson
10990000003755937
Here, you can reword the phrase and make it flow better.
Instead of saying "the cute English substitute teacher with the
english accent" you could substitute in "The cute substitute
teacher with the British accent" or "the cute substitute English
teacher with the accent".
THE BLEED IN THE CREEK 6
“Shh, it won’t get to that. Trust me. I will protect you. You are
going to be okay. Murdock, she
isn’t a part of this, let her go. It’s me you want. I did what you
asked. The trail is off you. The
deal was I break up with Clar, plant the evidence and I die.
Please, let her go.”
“But Mark, now she knows my name. The police will know I
killed that stupid girl, kidnapped
her, and now, killed you. I can’t let that happen. Unlike you,
Mark, I don’t leave lose ends. It’s
time for the end game.”
The door opens. Murdock grabs Clarissa; he is wearing a baby
mask so she can’t see his

13. face. She screams and cries, begs for her life, but the man
laughs in her face, pushes her to the
ground and grabs his gun. Mark hits on the door, begs, and
apologizes for his meddling. There is
no stopping him now.
“Clarissa, you were my favorite student. It’s a shame that it has
to end this way. Don’t worry. I
will be there for your funeral. I will tell your father you were a
model student. Don’t take this the
wrong way, it’s just business.”
Clarissa and Murdock walk back to the garden. Murdock then
takes off his mask and
Clarissa gasps in shock. Marie’s killer, the man responsible for
the misery in her life, was the
English substitute teacher her and Marie crushed on since he
took over from Mrs. Winterbottom.
“No!” A gunshot is fired, Clarissa falls to the ground. Murdock
lets out a chilling laugh.
“Let the games begin.”
Maria Cahill
10990000000281516
So, I love the idea behind this story and the basic concept.
However, there is too much flashback and not enough transition.
More development is needed, as well. That's ok because this is,

14. obviously, a draft. :).
Maria Cahill
10990000000281516
1
White People Are Exhausting
White people can be exhausting. Particularly ex-
hausting are white people who don't know they are
white, and those who need to be white. But of all
the white people I've met-and I've met a lot of
them in more than three decades of living, study-
ing, and working in places where I'm often the only
Black woman in sight-the first I found exhausting
were those who expected me to be white.
To be fair, my parents did set them up for fail-
ure. In this society where we believe a name tells
us everything we need to know about someone's
race, gender, income, and personality, my parents
decided to outwit everyone by giving their daughter

15. a white man's name. When I was growing up, they
explained that my grandmother's maiden name was
I'm Still Here
the world, They were teaching me to speak up until
those in the back could hear me,
School was over. Time for the real world, Turned
out Dr. Simms was right, even when I didn't want
him to be,
5
Whiteness at Work
Confession: By the time I graduated from college,

16. l thought l was the white culture whisperer, I was
fearless, I thought any future encounters of racism
would rear their ugly heads like purple dragons,
and I had no doubt in my ability to slay racist non-
sense wherever I found it, l was so wrong, Far from
an imposing beast, I found that white supremacy is
more like a poison, It seeps into your mind, drip by
drip, until it makes you wonder if your perception
of reality is true,
Being a Black woman in the professional world
of majority-white nonprofit ministries was far more
difficult than my younger self could imagine, In
school I had been surrounded by whiteness, but
colleges often encourage students to question au-
thority, to navigate cultural conflicts, to be creative