Copywriiting task for Media & Campaign Management module

1. D. Copywriting evaluation (Neoglory Jewellery)
Original copy
Front cover
"Neoglory Jewelry"
"CHAPETER EUROPE"
"Map of the Neoglory collection"
"Finding more beautiful jewelery"
"Just in brilliant neoglory"
Inside Cover
"Leading enterprise of China Jewel industry, which is steering the Chinese jewel fashion tides".
"Having established strategic cooperation partnership with Swarovski & Company and Preciosa Company
and ensuring the consistent stable fine quality of jewel raw materials".
"Most perfect jewel production & quality assurance systemin China and taking the lead in passing the
IS09001 international quality management systemattestation in China Jewel industry".
"Production distribution network of overspreading China and as far as more than 70 foreign countries and
regions".
Last Page
"Insisting environmental protection design & production concept, committing itself to establish
environmental-amity enterprise and passed the ISO14001 Environment Management System Attestation in
December of 2006".
"The design team of 380 designers with famous jewel designers heading the list insists original creation,
develop and design jewels in allusion to the world's different countries or regions".
"Possessing good reputation and have won prize of National Good-faith & Lawful Enterprise in successive
years relying on the multivariate group made up of more than 5000 staffs".

2. Replacement Copy
Front cover
"Neoglory Jewellery"
"CHAPTER EUROPE"
"MAP OF THE NEOGLORY JEWELLERY"
"Individuality, expressed with confidence".
Inside cover and last page
1) Subheading: Setting the trend of China.
"Global partners of Swarovski Elements and the biggest synthetic brand in China, Neoglory Jewellers are
the leading enterprise in jewellery production".
"With our products widely distributed to more than 70 countries and regions across the globe, we
recognise the local fashion trends of our customers, providing jewels of exceptional quality at reasonable
prices".
"Our team of 380 designers beautifully craft bespoke jewels tailored to the needs of our customers".
2) Subheading: Partnerships that drive innovation and quality.
"Our two long term partnerships with Swarovski & Co and Preciosa have ensured the consistent creativity
of innovative designs, using jewel stones of top quality. Our award for the international quality
management system symbolises our exceptional quality assurance processes, represented in our products
that are produced without fault".
3) Subheading: Leading environmental change.
"Being the leading enterprise in jewellery manufacturing, we also want to be leading in our ethical
approach to business. Committed to protecting the environment, Neoglory takes responsibility in using
energy efficient production methods, which have passed the ISO Environment Management System
Attestation".

3. Evaluation
Front Cover
The front coverisclear,withthe companyname andbrochure title easyto readand understand.However the
companysloganisverysleazy,reading"Findingmore beautifuljewellery justinbrilliantneology". The attemptat
alliterationinthisinstance isweakandthe slogancomesacrossdisjointedwiththe attemptedeffectsounding
immoderate. A possible replacementforthisslogancouldbe "Individuality,expressedwithconfidence"asthis'isthe
one aspectof the productyou mostwant people toremember' (Crompton1987) itis more likelytoresonate with
the reader,settingaclearertone for the company'sbrand. Futhmore,itsmore likelytobe picked upandreadin a
exbhiditionenviornment,as'apowerful,benefit-ledheadline isessentialif the brocgure istobe pickedupin
passing'(Shaw2012)
Inside cover and last page
The inside covercopystrugglestomaintain attention,withsentencesandwordscausingthe readertohesitate and
misinterpretthe messagesattemptedbythe writer.Forexample,the original firstsentence states"leading
enterprise of ChinaJewel Industry whichissteeringthe Chinese jewel fashiontides".Thispoorpunctuationand
grammar leavesthe readerlostandaskingquestionssuchaswhoisthe company? Andwhat do theydo?
Moreover,the bodycopy strugglestoconveythe emotional needsof the reader withjewellerybeing an'occasional
purchase'mainlyboughtasa giftfora friendorfamilymember.The copydoesnotuse emotive language effectively
to expressthe emotionsof love andhappiness,thingsyouwouldassociate whenyoubuyjewellery.
1) "Setting the trend of China"
The replacementaimstofirstlygive the readeraclearsubheading'Settingthe trendof China'which definesthe
contextof the followingtext.Thisaimsto'maintainasense of movementsothatthe eye iscarriedprogressively
throughthe copy' (Jefkins2000).Two othersubheadings are usedlatereffectively inthe brochure.
The firstreplacementreads, "Global partnersof SwarovskiElementsandthe biggestsyntheticbrandinChina,
Neoglory Jewellersare the leadingenterpriseinjewelleryproduction".Thissentence aimstoclearlydefine tothe
readerwhatNeoglorydoesandtheirposition inthe marketplace. 'the leadinsentence [aims] tolinkthe headline
withthe restof the piece'(teachyourself 2003) The followingtextcanthenbe usedto explainwhythisstatementis
true, withthe use of othercopywritingtechniques.
The nextsentence reads,"Withourproductswidelydistributedtomore than70 countries andregionsacrossthe
globe,we recognise the local fashiontrendsof ourcustomers,providingjewelsof exceptional qualityatreasonable
prices". Thissentence aimstogive the readerevidence aboutthe statementof "the biggestsyntheticbrandin
China",and"the leadingenterprise injewelleryproduction".The readeralsoisbetterengagedthroughthe use of
'more practical emotive generalitiessuchas' (Jefkins2000), "exceptional quality"and"reasonable prices".These
helptocreate a mental image of the jewellerybeingof a particularstandard,andcreate a sense of desire forthe
brand. This contraststo the original copywhichwasplacedat the bottomof the page withpoor punctuationand
grammar. Furthermore,'giventhatbrochuresfavourfactsoverfeelings,youmustinclude all the relevantfactsabout
your product'(Maslen2010).
The final sentence,"Ourteamof 380 designersbeautifullycraftbespoke jewelstailoredtothe needsof our
customers",furtheremphasises the lowriskpurchase decisionpotentiallymade bythe customer,signifyingthe large
amountof designers,thatputsthe readeratmore ease ensuringdesignistakenseriouslywithNeoglory.
Furthermore,usingexcitingwordssuchas 'beautifully'and'bespoke'betterpaintapicture of the benefitsthe
jewellerywill offertothe customer.Thiswill helpto ensure the range of jewelleryfitsavarietyof differentcustomer
requirementsasjewelleryhelpstoreflectindividuality,lifestyle andpersonalitytocustomers.

4. 2) "Partnerships that drive innovation and quality".
The secondsubheadingaimstofurtherexpressthe benefitsof Neogloryandthe productsitoffersthroughevidence
of certified activities inqualityand collaboration withotherwell-knownjewellery manufactures.
The Sub headingusesthe 'actionword'"drive",tocreate 'a sense of urgencyandpace to 'helpthe copymove along'
(Jefkins2000).Repetitionisusedonthe words"quality"and"innovation"todraw attentionandexpressimportance.
The nextparagraph reads,"Ourtwo longtermpartnershipswithSwarovski&Co andPreciosahave ensuredthe
consistentcreativityof innovative designs,usingjewelstonesof topquality. Ourawardforthe international quality
managementsystemsymbolisesourexceptional qualityassurance processes,representedinourproductsthatare
producedwithoutfault".The use of alliterationof "consistentcreativity"createsamemorable sloganwithinthe
sentence,"the consistentcreativityof innovative designs".The discreetuse of thistechnique alsoaimstocreate a
sense of poetrywhichcouldbe associatedwiththe emotive factorsof jewellerysuchaslove,andfriendship.
3) "Leading environmental change".
The final part of the copyaimsto reinforce the decisionmakingprocessthroughgivingevidenceof environmental
factors the companyhas beeninvolvedin.The lastparagraphreads,"Beingthe leadingenterprise injewellery
manufacturing,we alsowanttobe leadinginourethical approachtobusiness.Committedtoprotectingthe
environment,Neoglorytakesresponsibilityinusingenergyefficientproductionmethods,whichhave passedthe ISO
EnvironmentManagementSystemAttestationyearonyear". The use of repetitionon"leading"and"enterprise"
reinforcesthese wordstothe readerasa brand that isactivelyunderstandingandmanagingitscustomer'sneeds,
makingitmemorable.The phrase "committedtoprotecting"highlightsa sense of powerandauthoritywithinthe
text,sayingtothe readerNeogloryare incontrol and confidentintheirenvironmentalapproachestoCSR.The
certificate statedatthe end,nicelyroundsoff the copy,by evidencingaresult whichcustomerscaneasilyassociate
to.
Summary
Overall the replacementcopyaimstocommunicate more effectivelythe companyethos,brandandbenefitsoffered
to the customer,whilstdeliveringastandout massage inthe marketplace thatdifferentiatesfromcompetitors.The
copy alsowantsto put the customerskeybuyingdecisionscriteriabefore the companiesincreasingthe
attractivenessof the brandandbetterselling'Neology's'products.
References
CROMPTON,Alastair(1987). The craftof Copywritting.2nded.,London,
JEFKINS,Frank (2000). 11. Copywriting,WRITINGCOPYTHATSELLS. In: YADIN,RevisedbyDaniel (ed.). Advertising.
4th ed.,Harlow,Essex,England,PearsonEducationLimited.
MASLEN, Andy(2010). The Copywritting Sourcebook.London,Marshall CavendishBusiness.
SHAW,Mark (2012). Copywriting Successfulwriting fordesign,advertising and marketing.2nded.,London,Laurence
KingPublishingLtd.
TEACH YOURSELF (2003). copywritting.2nded.,London,ContemporaryBooks.