Sarah Bazey was crowned Mrs. International in 2012 after overcoming severe burns covering 40% of her body from a 1994 helicopter crash. As Mrs. International, she has advocated internationally for the Phoenix Society to help burn survivors and shares her story to inspire others to overcome adversity. She credits honest communication, trust, and faith in her marriage of 10 years as the secret to her happiness with her husband Joe.

1. Enrich, Enhance, and Enliven Your Marriage!!
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MARRIAGE
ISSN 1063-1054
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Volume 43 No. 2
Publishers: Mat & Linda Wolfgram
Editor: Barbara A. Schmitz
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Read Priscilla and Greg Hunt’s story starting on Page X.
Cover image by Muffet Petrehn / www.muffetpetrehn.com
MARRIAGE
2 summer 2013

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4. ON THE COVER
INSIDE
8
5
39
7
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12
Are you
committed?
from the
editor
Fight your way to
deeper intimacy
The man cave
The man cave
MARRIAGE
4 summer 2013

5. By Barbara A. Schmitz
Because it’s summer
and the memories
are just waiting to
happen.
That quote sums up what summer and this issue is
about — having fun and making memories with your
spouse and family during the warm summer months.
It sounds so easy to make memories. But from experi-
ence, I know it’s not. It is easy, however, to get caught up with the
outdoor chores — mowing the lawn, tending the garden and so
on — in between driving the kids to soccer and baseball games,
or to one of several day camps they begged you to attend.
They’re so busy that it’s almost impossible to schedule a vacation
or weekend getaway, let alone have time to make memories.
But this issue is filled with ideas how you can do just that. Gil and
Brenda Stuart remind us in “Summer is going to be _________”
that you get out of summer what you put into it. “Handling va-
cation stress” by Bill and Marianne Oehser will help you find a
way to relax as you plan and go on your summer trips, while Lori
Wildenberg and Becky Danielson remind us in “Parenting Prose”
that there is a difference between vacations and trips when you have
small children, and that’s why you need a sense of humor and dose
of reality when traveling.
By Barbara A. Schmitz
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
5

6. Hired a babysitter and not sure what to do or where to go with your honey? Read Jacqueline Williams’
“Top 10 summer date ideas” to get some ideas you may not have thought of. Or put the kids to bed
and play board games that Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo recommend in “Sexy board games can bring
sizzle to summer nights.”
But this issue contains more than just summer fun ideas. Our cover story on Greg and Priscilla Hunt is
proof that sometimes God has other plans for us, and couples that they have helped through their many
marriage workshops can be happy for that.
Read “Mrs. Inspiration” and hear how Sarah Bazey, of Minneapolis, has made a difference in the world
as she ends her reign as Mrs. International. Or read “Breakfast with Strangers” and learn how Matt
Webber and Courtney Dillard shared their honeymoon with nearly 60 strangers over breakfast, and
learned a thing or two along the way.
But the issue is filled with other information, too. Dave Ramsey talks about how to get out of debt in
“Dave Says,” while “The man cave” by Perry and Dianne Dodge reminds men how to be the everyday
hero for their wives. “Dollars and Sense” by Barbara and Bob Zielinski gives practical tips on how to
work out money disagreements in a marriage, and Mark Gungor reminds us in “Marriage is a mara-
thon,” that it’s important to not treat your marriage like one quick sprint if you want it to last.
Plus there are all the usual features — the date-night movie review, couple’s exercise, Scripture and all
the rest. So grab a glass of lemonade, sit on your porch swing, and enjoy the warm summer breeze. And
enjoy this issue, too.
MARRIAGE
6 summer 2013

7. Sprints and marathons are two distinctly different races. In a sprint, one of the most critical elements is the
start. Runners practice for hours on end getting into those little blocks and bursting out the very nanosecond
the gun goes off. Why? Because if you falter in the start, you don’t stand a chance of winning the race.
On the other hand, the starts of marathons are not that important at all. Most runners are just standing around
waiting for the gun to go off. Truth is, you could fall down, have three guys run over you, get up, and still win
the race. It’s not the start that is so important; it is the endurance.
Today, many believe marriage is like a sprint, that the start is what is critical. I never cease to be amazed at
how many struggling couples point to the start as the reason for their struggles. “We were too young.” “We
didn’t know each other for very long.” “We didn’t have enough money.” They are convinced that the poor
start is the reason for their troubles, but they are wrong. Marriage is not a sprint; it is a marathon.
It is not the start that leads to a failed marriage, but the unwillingness to endure the race.
You don’t do marathons quickly. You have to spread out your energy over time. Endurance is what empowers
a couple over the long haul. It will enable you to push through old familiar conflict zones for the ten-thousandth
time without quitting; you just keep going and going. . . Scripture urges, “Keep your eyes on Jesus, who
both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how He did it. Because He never lost sight of where He
was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—He could put up with anything along the way: Cross,
shame, whatever.” That’s endurance. It makes marriages last.
Marriage is a
marathon By Mark Gungor
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
7

8. Mrs. Inspiration
From scars to star:
Q & A with
Mrs. International
Photo by: Clay Spann
MARRIAGE
8 summer 2013

9. After a 1994 helicopter crash left her with third-
degree burns over 40 percent of her body,
Sarah Bazey was determined to get her life
back. With 15 surgeries and countless medical
procedures behind her, the owner and presi-
dent of Simplex Construction Supplies, Inc. in
Minneapolis went back to work, graduated from
Harvard Business School and married.
But the biggest challenge came in
2010 when friends, family, and her
husband, Joe, encouraged her to
compete in the Mrs. United States
pageant. “I woke up early one morning
in January and put on a swimsuit,” she
said. When Joe saw her, he told her: “If they are
going to judge you on your scars, don’t do it.
But if they are going to see what I see, then go
for it.”
She went for it, and not only won the Mrs.
United States title, but was also crowned Mrs.
International 2012. As her reign comes to an
end, Bazey talks with MARRIAGE magazine
about the year, her marriage and her work as
vice president of the National Board of Trustees
for the Phoenix Society, a nonprofit organization
dedicated to empowering burn victims through
support programs, education and advocacy.
Q:You were encouraged by fam-
ily and friends to compete in the
Mrs. United States pageant in 2010
and ultimately in Mrs. International
when you won the U.S. competition.
Why did you decide to enter pag-
eants again?
A: When I became Miss Teen of Minnesota in
1983, a world of opportunities and possibilities opened
up. I learned about the true beauty of pageantry, which is
about digging deep
inside and challeng-
ing one’s self to be-
come your best, to
reach out and touch
the lives of others
in a positive way,
and to build lasting
relationships. In fact,
it was because of
a few members of my pageant family from 1983, along
with my mother, sister, and most importantly, my hus-
band, that I found the strength to return to competition.
It is imperative to understand that just two years after
competing in the Miss America system, I suffered severe
burns to 40 percent of my body in a helicopter crash.
Not only did I spend the next 16 years trying to minimize
the visibility of my scars as I dressed each day, but the
thought of exposing my scars on a stage while being
judged never entered my mind. When my friends chal-
lenged me to compete in 2010, I had to reach deep
inside to determine if I had the aplomb to do it.
I knew that it was an all-or-nothing venture for me. I
would not allow myself to select clothing that covered
every scar, which between skin grafts and donor sites
affected nearly 80 percent of my body. My gowns would
be selected because I loved them, not because they had
long sleeves and a full back. It would be necessary for
me to compete in fitness with the best body I could have
in my mid-40s, and to hold my head high regardless of
the obvious imperfections. Once I made the decision that
this was a challenge I was prepared to face, it became a
truly amazing and empowering experience.
Sarah Bazey resides in
downtown Minneapolis with
her husband of nine years,
Joseph, and their beloved
Maltese, Tonka.
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
9

10. Q: What has your year
been like as Mrs. Internation-
al? What have you enjoyed
the most?
A:I feel blessed beyond words when I
recall that thousands of women have com-
peted all over the world for a chance to wear
this beautiful crown and realize there have only been 25
of us to share this honor. Not only is the Mrs. Interna-
tional crown substantial in size, but it also comes with
an equally large responsibility. When I address an audi-
torium filled with family and friends of Mrs. International
pageant participants I tell them two things. One, each of
these ladies has already won because they challenged
themselves to be their best. Two, I wear this crown in
honor and in representation of these brave ladies for all
that they have given. For most of us, the journey of pag-
eantry only happens with the support of friends, family,
coaches, sponsors, and many more who give of their
time, energy and love unconditionally. My year has been
a dream come true.
But as a burn survivor, the most enjoyable part of my
reign has been the experiences I have shared with burn
patients and their loved ones. At the UNC Chapel Hill
Burn Center, an adorable 9-year-old girl squealed with
joy when I walked into her hospital room. She was
about to have a very painful skin graft surgery, and she
could not take her eyes off my crown ... or her hands
off the skin grafts on my arm. Her mother stood nearby
watching us, and when she finally hugged me she could
not contain her tears.
Q:Tell me about your husband.
How long have you been married?
How did you meet? When did you
know it was “for real” and that he
was “the one”? What’s the secret to
your happiness?
A: Twenty years ago this autumn, a handsome
young man who stood tall with broad shoulders and
a confident stride, walked up to me on a construction
site as I was about to put on my hard hat. He worked
for a concrete paving contractor, which happened to be
one of my company’s best customers. When I looked
up into his blue eyes and he smiled (with a bit of an
Elvis lip curl), all was good in my world. Joe is a hard-
working, devoted and humble individual who keeps me
grounded.
We will have been married for 10 years on Oct. 2,
which was also the anniversary of my parents who set
a beautiful example. Though our relationship took years
to develop, I am a true
believer that our eyes are
the windows to our soul. I
knew from the moment
I looked into his eyes
on that construction
site he was special.
No matter what
happens in our
lives, we share
everything;
the good,
the
Sarah Bazey was crowned Mrs.
International in July 2012 and is
just finishing her reign.
Sarah and Joe Bazey visit
the government office of
Paul Chan in Hong Kong
during Mrs. International’s
Asian Pacific tour.
MARRIAGE
10 summer 2013

11. bad, even the ugly. Communication, honesty, trust, faith
and love are the recipe to a healthy relationship, and there-
fore, the key to a happy marriage.
Q: As a burn survivor, how has
being Mrs. International helped you
spread the word of the Phoenix Society?
A: Wearing this crown has opened more than doors
for me; it has also opened borders. My mission of con-
necting the burn community around the world has taken
me to Buenos Aires, Argentina, where I was able to meet
with Dr. Fortunato Benaim and two burn survivors to
discuss the work the Phoenix Society has accomplished
since Dr. Benaim attended his last Phoenix Society meet-
ing in the United States nearly two decades ago. As Mrs.
International, my husband and I traveled to Tokyo where
22 burn survivors traveled from around Japan to meet us.
In Hong Kong, I met with two burn survivors who recently
founded the Hong Kong Burn Association and were inter-
ested in learning as much as possible about the Phoenix
Society. In Manila, Philippines, I entered the burn unit at
East Avenue Medical Center and was introduced to five
severely burned individuals. They had no pain medica-
tion and yet found it within to smile as I held their hand or
stood next to their bed. The founder of the Phoenix Soci-
ety now lives in Auckland, New Zealand, and we were able
to meet in Sydney, along with other burn survivors who
graciously shared their stories with us.
Since being crowned I have also traveled throughout
the United States spreading the word, visiting the New
York Presbyterian Hospital Burn Center in New York City,
UNC Chapel Hill Burn Center in North Carolina, Regions
Hospital and HCMC Burn Centers in Minnesota; attend-
ing American Burn Association conferences in Seattle
and Palm Springs, Calif. and the World Burn Congress
in Milwaukee; and touring the Queens Medical Center in
Honolulu. During the 2012 World Burn Congress, I was
able to connect with J.R. Martinez, one of my co-board
members for the Phoenix Society, who was recognized by
our organization for the powerful advocacy and example
he has set for the burn community.
Looking forward to the next couple months, Joe and I will
again carry the message of the Phoenix Society interna-
tionally as we travel from London to Paris (which happens
to be where we shared a ceremonial wedding with our
family and friends), to Frankfurt, Germany, to Geneva, to
Rome, and finally, to Istanbul.
It would be impossible for me to have accomplished so
much during my reign without the support of the Phoenix
Society and my Harvard Business School classmates, who
have literally hosted us around world.
Q: How did that helicopter crash
change you? What advice would you
give others on overcoming adversity?
A:Who I am did not change. I treasured each day
before the helicopter crash and I continue to believe each
day is not only precious, but also a blessing not to be
taken for granted. However, my body changed and I did
struggle with my scars for a very long time. Now I view
them as a badge of courage and allow them to help me
tell my story!
This advice can really be for anyone about life in general,
but specifically when I address the ladies competing in a
pageant, I remind them that there will always be someone
taller and thinner, with thicker hair or a more expensive
dress. But that is not what the International Pageant
system is about. It is about whom you are inside, what you
believe and how you express yourself. Having a passion
for a charity or organization that makes the world a better
place is where the focus lies. It may sound altruistic, but it
is truly what makes this crown shine so bright.
Sarah and
Joe Bazey
dance in
Honolulu
during a luau.
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
11

12. Spotlight
couple Emily & Kyle
Emily
How we deal with conflict is...
Admit when you are wrong or say you’re sorry. You are
never too old to say you’re sorry, but I honestly don’t think it
gets any easier with age. I can stew over an argument and
let it fester in my mind...it’s so unhealthy! Many times we
both just need time to cool off and resurface the discussion
later. As a couple we strive to never go to bed angry, always
demonstrate grace and mercy, and to keep communication
lines open, no matter how hard the conversation.
We’re best friends because…
We bring out the best in each other. If you were to spend
the weekend with us, you would probably think we are the
strangest couple around. We have so much fun together,
whether we are alone or hanging out with a bunch of
people. Even with all the fun, Kyle pushes me to achieve
goals and encourages me to pursue dreams. Kyle is strong
where I am weak, and I strive to be the person he sees in
me.
Our favorite way to spend time together is…
We like to spend time together serving our church in
multiple ways. We teach the preschool kids six months out
of the year, serve communion, and are looking to start a
Bible study. I love serving beside my husband because I get
to see his big heart pour out onto the children we serve, as
well as watch him develop leadership skills that carry over
into our relationship at home. I don’t think there is anything
that compares to the connection you feel when you serve
together.
One thing I’ve learned
through marriage is…
I sometimes feel like I’m Cinderella,
but I definitely found my Prince
Charming. Don’t get me wrong, I
LOVE serving my husband by keeping a clean house, doing
the laundry and the dishes, working a full-time job and
keeping tabs on everything under the sun. It is just a never-
ending list of chores and things to do, and we don’t even
have kids yet! But the days where it feels overwhelming is
when I’m so thankful that God blessed me with a husband
who is truly my helpmate and my better half.
If we didn’t __________, then we wouldn’t
be together.
If we didn’t laugh and have fun, then we wouldn’t be
together. As much as marriage is about working together,
it’s also about having fun together. If you aren’t having fun
and enjoying yourself, then how do you expect to spend
the rest of your life with that person? [Sounds boring if
you ask me.] Kyle and I are all about making life fun when
we can — from singing and making funny gestures to our
favorite songs in the car, to playing jokes on each other or
laughing about the funny thing that happened to one of us
that day. We have our own little world where it’s just the two
of us and it’s the only place I want to be.
Kyle
Our favorite way to spend
time together is …
“Moobie Date Night” is one of
our favorite things to do together.
We both are so busy with the
many responsibilities in life such
as work, church, and daily tasks
around our home that it’s important to slow down and
appreciate each other. We like to curl up on the couch
with a bowl of popcorn and a blanket and watch the latest
Netflix movie.
How we deal with conflict is…
Never easy…but always necessary. We are both
hardheaded, stubborn, and strongly opinionated people,
and that makes it difficult to always see eye-to-eye

13. on things. The best way we’ve found to handle
differences of opinion is to not only “hear” what each
other has to say, but to truly “listen.” Noticing little
things such as the tone of one another’s voice, or the
passion and the emotion carried in the conversation,
helps us to truly understand how we feel about
something. We always try to talk it out and not yell.
But if there is still a conflict, two magic words can
always make things better — “Yes, dear.” J
We believe rituals, traditions and
celebrations are….
Flexible. This usually isn’t the definition a person
would use to describe these things, but when both
families are spread over three different states it can be
interesting to say the least. We are always adjusting,
adapting and creating new traditions. Through our
marriage we’ve learned that traditions don’t have to
end, but rather just bend a little. Changing dates,
being patient, and understanding that the true
meaning behind most traditions are the people you
spend them with is a crucial factor in understanding
what is really important in life.
We’re best friends because …
We put each other before ourselves. It is more
important to each of us that the other is happy and
loved as much as it is to feel that way in our own
life. We grow together every day through “the good,
the bad and the ugly” by showing unconditional love
and knowing that we will always be there to support
each other at the end of the day. Knowing that I get
to spend every day for the rest of my life hanging out
with, talking to, and seeing my best friend could not
make life any more enjoyable. She is the last person
I get to see before I go to bed and the first person I
wake up to in the morning and this puts a smile on my
face.
The longer we’re married…
The more I love her. Every day is a gift that I get to
wake up and spend with my wife. Every day I learn
more about not only her, but also myself. She teaches
me how to get the “fullness” out of life and how I
can spend that and share it with another person.
Everything we do together is one step closer to raising
a family and giving them the happiness and life that is
truly blessed with love.
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
13

14. Dear Dave,
My wife and I make $140,000 a year, and we’re working
on our debt snowball. We’re almost out of debt, but we
still have two small car payments and some credit card
debt. She wants to get rid of the credit card debt, but
doesn’t mind us having car payments. Can you help
me understand this?
Kelly
Dear Kelly,
I’m not sure I understand her thinking either. The car
payments and the credit card debt are the same thing.
They’re both debt payments, and you’re being charged
interest on both of them. The only difference is that one is
attached to a car and one’s not. It makes about as much
sense as saying you like Visa better than MasterCard.
Even if she has some strange hang-up about car depre-
ciation, that argument doesn’t hold water either. Cars go
down in value whether you borrowed money to buy them
or not. A $20,000 vehicle will be worth $10,000 in just a
few years no matter what you do. A car payment won’t
keep it from depreciating or slow the rate of depreciation.
Sometimes people get burned out or tired of paying the
price to become debt-free. It can happen when you’ve
been working on something for a while, and it seems
like you’re never going to get there. Sit down and have a
gentle, loving talk with your wife. Find out why she feels
that way about the car payments and where the root of the
problem really lies.
She may just need some support and encouragement
from the man in her life. Remind her how far you’ve come
together on this journey, how close you are to winning, and
how much you love her. You’re too close to making your
financial dreams come true to stop now!
—Dave
by Dave Ramsey
MARRIAGE
14 summer 2013

15. Mmmm ... chocolate. It is the only ingredient with
its very own food group. But this is a column about
nutrition, so why on Earth would I choose chocolate to
write about?
Chocolate has a pull on us since it’s a comfort food. Some
people are self-proclaimed chocoholics. Which begs the
question, can chocolate be good for us? In simple terms,
the answer is yes — at times!
Chocolate has been used for centuries to treat aliments
such as bronchitis, fatigue, anemia, depression,
memory loss, high blood pressure, poor eyesight and
more. It also helps release that feel-good neurotransmitter,
serotonin, in the brain.
Chocolate starts off as raw cacao beans. Cacao,
pronounced kah-kow, is loaded with antioxidants. It has
nearly twice as many as red wine, and up to three times the
amount found in green tea. Raw cacao has the highest
antioxidant value of all the natural foods in the world!
This powerful food can also aid in our beauty regiment.
Cacao has a high content of the mineral sulfur. Sulfur is
known as the beauty mineral because it helps our bodies
build strong nails and
hair, and promotes
healthy, beautiful skin by
detoxifying the liver and
supporting the function of
the pancreas.
In addition to antioxidants
and sulfur, raw cacao
is a good source of the B vitamins such as calcium,
iron, zinc, copper, potassium and manganese and
magnesium. That’s especially good for vegetarians and
vegans who tend to run low on B vitamins. When heart
problems occur, magnesium is the most likely mineral to be
missing in a person’s diet.
Cacao also aids in the production of
phenylethylamine or PEA. Phenylethylamine
helps promote mental alertness and the ability
to concentrate. The PEA in healthy chocolate may
be of help to students taking tests and to seniors wanting to
retain the mental capacity of their youth.
The more processed the cacao becomes, however — think
commercially produced candy bars — the fewer healthy
components remain. So how does one get their chocolate
fix the healthy way? Easy!
• Don’t be afraid of the dark. The darker the
chocolate, the better it is for you.
• Know your numbers. Try for at least 60 percent
dark chocolate or cacao.
• Go raw. With any food, the
least amount of processing
the better.
Find fun ways to try dark
chocolate, like black bean triple
chocolate brownies. You’ll love
this chocolaty treat, and
can find the recipe
on Page X.
By Carla Huizenga
cuckoo cocoafor
Carla Huizenga is a certified holistic
health counselor, loving wife and mother
of three. She received her training at the
Institute for Integrative Nutrition in New
York City. She is certified by the American
Association of Drugless Practitioners and
also has a bachelor’s degree from the
University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh. Carla
leads workshops on nutrition and offers
individual health and nutrition coaching to
parents and families.
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
15

16. STRANGERS
By Barbara A. Schmitz
Courtney Dillard spent her hon-
eymoon traveling with her new
husband and eating breakfast
with strangers they met through-
out their trip. After all those
miles, she discovered that she
didn’t have to go far to get her
favorite breakfast — truffled egg
toast made and served at home
by her new husband, Matt Web-
ber.
Matt, a community organizer
who quit his job to take the trip,
says they wanted a unique hon-
eymoon, but they also wanted to
challenge the ideas of “stranger
danger” and a divided America.
To find the people they would be
eating with they posted notices
on Craigslist and reddit, and had
people write back in 500 words
or less why they wanted to eat
breakfast with them. More than
1,600 people replied.
“Breakfast with Strangers” came
about from the two eating out
in Portland for breakfast. “We
noticed people who were eating
alone and wondered what they
were all about,” says Courtney, a
continuing instructor in the rheto-
ric and media studies depart-
ment at Willamette University.
“Then we both got in a conver-
sation about why is it strange
to ask a person to join you. We
decided it wasn’t that strange.”
They first paid the bill of a few
strangers, but their first meal with
a stranger was at a Portland café
where they talked to a man who
was building a boat. They had
five or six “beta breakfasts” with
strangers before they decided to
take their idea on the road and
catalog the stories they heard.
To see some of the stories, go to
Breakfastwith
Sharingmeals,conversationwithstrangersmakesforuniquehoneymoon
Courtney Dillard and Matt Webber took to the nation’s highways for their honeymoon, traveling 21,000
miles in 39 different states over five months. But they didn’t just see the sites.
The couple ate breakfast with about 60 people they had never met before. Why eat breakfast with
strangers? Perhaps the better question is, why not?
The “other half” of the Phoenix
couple who motioned for Court-
ney and Matt to pull over so they
could congratulate them on their
wedding.
Courtney and Matt
spent their honeymoon
meeting strangers. But
they also managed to
see some sites, such as
the world’s largest ball
of sisal twine in Cawker
City, Kansas. Started by
Frank Stoeber in 1953,
the ball weighs nearly
18,000 pounds and
contains more than 7.8
million feet of twine.
MARRIAGE
16 summer 2013

17. Courtney
Dillard and
Matt Webber
hit the road
for their
honeymoon in
this modified
Ford van as
they began
their quest to
meet people
and find out
the key to
happiness.
www.breakfastwithstrangers.com.
“Once we decided to do breakfasts
with strangers, we thought it would
be great to be part of our honey-
moon,” Courtney says. “The only
problem was that Matt hadn’t asked
me to marry him yet.”
But he wasn’t far behind in popping
the question. They married July 12
with immediate family present in a
church ceremony, and then they
repeated their vows with the same
minister on a Portland rooftop on
July 14.
The two traveled for five months
across the lower 48 states on their
quest to eat breakfast with strangers,
and were back by Christmas 2012.
“The honeymoon was a lot more
difficult to plan than the wedding,”
Courtney says. “As we planned the
route, the biggest thing was to go
somewhere it was warm.”
They went to each breakfast with a
list of about 25 questions, of which
they picked five to ask depending
on the situation. But one question
they asked of all the people they
had breakfast with: What makes you
happy? “It was really a neat conver-
sation to have,” Courtney says.
Matt says the happiest people they
met were the ones who were living
the lives they wanted to live or tak-
ing chances. “Each had their own vi-
sion of a dream, and it didn’t matter
if they succeeded or failed, but they
were all the happier for just having
done it. Those who didn’t take risks
still had the regret on their faces.”
Sometimes they stayed with cou-
ples through the Servas program,
which connects hosts and travelers
throughout the nation and provides
opportunities for friendships to
begin, ideas to be exchanged and
cultures to be shared.
One couple stuck out the most. “We
live in a society of instant gratifica-
tion, but they said that marriage is
work,” Courtney says. “They told us
“Eachhadtheirown
visionofadream,
anditdidn’tmatter
iftheysucceededor
failed,buttheywere
allthehappierforjust
havingdoneit.Those
whodidn’ttakerisks
stillhadtheregreton
theirfaces.”
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
17

18. there may be days, weeks, months and years that it
feels more like work than pleasure, but part of the gift is
to stick with something and commit to someone.”
So where is the
best place to
have breakfast in
the nation?
Tower Café in
Sacramento has
the “best French
toast ever,” Matt
says. Courtney
liked The Na-
tional in Milwaukee, which featured BeerMosa, or “the
working man’s mimosa” made with beer and orange
juice.
But while the food they ate on their trip was good, the
meal was second to everything. “The people were so
amazing that we were sitting down with,” Matt says.
They ate with the curator of the National Mustard
Museum, in Middleton, Wis., who “had a great thirst for
life and making people smile.” But he didn’t smile, they
recall, when Courtney asked for ketchup — instead of
mustard — on her eggs at breakfast. “He turned kind of
white,” she says.
But they also ate breakfast with the Cowboy Choco-
latier of Meeteetse, Wyo. and Lt. Gov. John Bohlinger of
Montana, whose term ended in January 2013.
“We met some wonderful characters,” Courtney says.
And not all of them were met over breakfast. The two
also stopped at bars in the middle of nowhere in the
early afternoon, and shared a couple of beers with
many people. “We didn’t meet one mean, crabby or
rude person the whole trip.”
Courtney says their honeymoon became part of the
story as they traveled. “We had a lot of sweet moments
with people, and not all at the breakfast table. A couple
in New Mexico drove up next to us on the highway after
seeing a news story about us earlier in the day. They
saw the stickers on our van and motioned for us to pull
over because they just wanted to give us a hug,” she
says.
Another time they drove into a campground in upstate
New York, and the ranger wouldn’t let them pay for the
night. “It’s on the house,” she told Courtney and Matt.
“We love that you are on your honeymoon and we wish
you the best for your marriage.”
The two are writing about the trip, with the goal of hav-
ing it published as an eBook by November. Then they
plan to go out after publishers after that and get “Break-
fast with Strangers: 50 Meals Across America” printed.
“It would be nice to sell a lot of copies of the book,”
Matt says. “But the gift has been just doing this and
starting our marriage by meeting other people.”
The couple came out of this trip without debt, using
their savings to pay for much of their expenses. Howev-
er, their wedding registry also helped to provide things
they needed for the trip, such as camping gear, sleep-
ing bags and gas gift cards. But 142 strangers also
gave them money for their adventure through a kick-
starter campaign that raised nearly $8,400 online.
While the couple is now busy setting up a home, they
did say they are looking for another interesting project
to take on for the future. Maybe it will be breakfast with
strangers in Europe, or maybe it will be something com-
pletely different.
But there is one more person they don’t personally
know that they are working to take out for breakfast—
President Obama. “That
would be the crème da
la crème,” Matt says. “If
we manage to get that
breakfast, we’ll close up
shop after that.”
Courtney and Matt had breakfast with Tim Kel-
logg, the Cowboy Chocolatier of Meeteetse, Wyo.
Kellogg originally sold his chocolate out of his
truck to raise money for a Bronc saddle. But now
people come from all over to devour his artisan
chocolates.
Courtney and Matt’s honeymoon became a news
story as they traveled the nation, meeting and eating
breakfast with strangers. One day after hearing their
story on a local AM news station, a couple motioned for
the newlyweds to pull over as they passed their van. The
Phoenix couple wanted to meet and congratulate them.
MARRIAGE
18 summer 2013

19. Recipe from Ino’s in Manhattan
provided by Matt Webber
Ingredients
2 asparagus spears
2 slices of bread, 1 inch thick
4 thin slices of Fontina (about 6 ounces)
4 large eggs
2 tablespoons truffle-infused oil
Coarse sea salt
Freshly ground black pepper
Take the bread and knead out a hole in the center. Separate eggs and place eggs yolks in the middle. Place Fontina
cheese around the yolks. Place in a toaster oven and heat until the yolks are warm and the cheese melts. Pour
truffled-infused oil over the center of the egg yolks. Salt and pepper to taste. Serve with asparagus spears.
To see a video how to make truffled egg toast, go to http://www.thekitchn.com/the-ultimate-egg-in-a-basket-
recipe-the-secrets-of-truffled-egg-toast-from-ino-176544
Truffled Egg Toast
Picture taken from http://www.thekitchn.com/the-ultimate-egg-in-a-
basket-recipe-the-secrets-of-truffled-egg-toast-from-ino-176544.
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
19

20. Picnics are a summer tradition. Why
not turn it up a notch by having a
gourmet picnic at night? Break out
the blankets and fine wine and use the
stars in the sky as your backdrop. Find
your local park at nps.gov.
Summertime is synonymous with
water and there are many options. You
can go on a dinner or riverboat cruise, or
try sailing, canoeing, windsurfing, boating
and so much more.
Fire up the grill and cook something
casual like burgers with a drink (maybe
spiked lemonade). Make sure you dress
to impress and feed each other dessert.
Happy grilling! You can find great grilling
recipes at allrecipes.com.
The couple that rocks together stays
together! Enjoy a nice outdoor concert and
dance the night away. Take into consideration
your date’s music preferences. Search
ticketmaster.com and livenation.com for dates
on upcoming outdoor concerts and festivals.
1
3
2
4
Picnic under the stars
Water excursions
Outdoor music festivals
and concerts
Top
summer
date
ideas By Jacqueline
Williams
Take your summer romance to the next level with the following date ideas:
Barbecue for two
MARRIAGE
20 summer 2013

21. There is no excuse for not going out on an exciting date this summer. Give your sweetie something to talk
about and customize all these dating ideas with your mate’s personal preferences, such as favorite flowers,
wine, food, etc.
Jacqueline Williams is the owner of www.JCherie.com a romance concierge company offering a range of
romantic services for couples. She can be contacted at info@jcherie.com.
Nothing screams romance like a
rooftop dinner. Take advantage of
the warm summer nights by dining
under the stars.
Get your man’s testosterone pumping by
purchasing discount tickets to attend a
summer sporting event. There are NBA
summer leagues, baseball games and even
the NFL holds practice games around the
country.
Unleash your inner child when the
fair comes to town. Win a prize for
your wife, ride the Ferris wheel and feast on
all the various fried concoctions. You can find
local fairs and festivals by visiting your city
and government websites.
During the summer there are lots of
traveling exhibitions and art shows at
local museums. Also take advantage of
tours that are popular for the season,
such as Segway tours, wine vineyard
tours and others.
Many parks offer free movie viewings
during the summer. Combine the movie
with a sparkling beverage and delightful appetizers
and you have a spin on the clichéd “dinner and a
movie.” Better yet, get intimate and snuggle up
at a drive-in. You can find one near you by using
Driveinmovie.com.
Get away from it all!
Sometimes you need a change
of scenery, so have a mini escape and take an
hour drive to that restaurant you have always
wanted to go to. Better yet, make a whole day
of it.
5
7
9
6
8
10
Rooftop dinners
Sports
County and state fairs
Museums/tours
Movies in the park
and drive-ins
Road trip
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
21

22. Greg and Priscilla Hunt were already in relationships when they met. But
sometimes God has other plans; couples whose lives they have touched
through their marriage seminars and workshops can be glad of that.
The Hunt’s desire to support, equip and empower other couples to develop
strong, healthy and happy relationships is rooted in the philosophy of Antoine
de Saint-Exupéry from Lyon, France: “Love does not consist in gazing at each
other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”
By Barbara A. Schmitz
They knew they were going to get
married before they went on their first
date. But Priscilla and Greg Hunt didn’t
know the impact they’d have on others’
marriages when they first met nearly 40
years ago.
The Hunts, of Kansas City, Kan., have
been married 36 years and have been
involved in marriage education and
enrichment since they said, “I do.”
Priscilla works as executive director of
Better Marriages, a nonprofit founded
in 1973 to help couples of all ages build
strong, healthy marriages, while Greg
has worked as a pastor and now as
president of Directions, Inc., a nonprofit
founded in 2002 to provide coaching and
consulting to organizations, couples and
individuals. Both are trained in couple
communication, collaborative team
skills, relationship assessment and more,
as well as are trainers for a variety of
marriage topics.
Priscilla and Greg met in 1975 as summer
missionaries, assigned to travel around
Texas and teach evangelism. At the time,
both were in serious relationships and
were not looking for “the one.”
“I had been dating the pastor’s daughter
for six years,” Greg says. “And I had an
engagement ring on my finger and was
supposed to get married on Aug. 31,”
Priscilla adds.
The mission program didn’t allow dating
between members. “But sparks were
flying,” Greg admits.
“It certainly wasn’t love at first sight,”
Priscilla says. “But we were in a situation
where we were spending every day, all
day together, so we got to know each
other pretty quickly.” Quickly enough that
Priscilla called her mom and said, “Don’t
be concerned, but don’t send out the
wedding invitations yet.”
GregandPriscillamet
in1975assummer
missionaries.
Theyshareakissin
1977,aftermarryingin
1976.
‘GodknewwhatIneededinmylife’
TheHuntsposewith
theirchildreninthis
familyphototakenin
the1980s.
MARRIAGE
22 summer 2013

23. Naturally, there were a lot of complications the two had to
deal with — such as telling their families about each other and
breaking off relationships long distance. But by the end of the
summer, when they first started dating, they had a deep sense
that their future was together. They married on July 10, 1976.
“I had a sense that God brought us together,” Priscilla says. “Even
now, 36 years later, I think that God knew what I needed in my life
and he delivered it in the form of Greg Hunt.”
“And I would say the same thing about Priscilla,” Greg adds.
But that doesn’t mean their marriage has been without conflict
and differences.
“In the early stages of our marriage, we had to confront our very
different backgrounds,” Greg says. He grew up in a faith-filled
home where they moved a lot. On the first Sunday after a move,
the family would find the closest Baptist church and jump in with
both feet. However, Priscilla
came from a family with
alcoholic parents who didn’t
go to church.
Then there were significant
differences between
them in personality and
temperament. “I’m an
extravert; Priscilla is an
introvert,” Greg says. “I had
felt a calling into ministry, but the relational side of that kind of
life is very significant. Priscilla was getting drained in community
fellowship, whereas I was getting energized. Before I more deeply
appreciated our differences and the way we get our energy, I
would get upset about her need for more space than I felt was
necessary. I had to appreciate her need for space and learn to
honor that.”
But once they figured it out, they learned to grow from each
other’s differences, Priscilla says. They also broadened their
interest base to come up with things to do together, such as
going to museums or going camping.
Godmayhavebrought
GregandPriscillaHunt
together,butthey
havestayedmarried
byconfrontingtheir
differentbackgrounds.
Photo by Muffet Petrehn
www.muffetpetrehn.com
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
23

24. Greg says one of the things they do when
working with couples is help them explore
their own differences and learn how those
impact their relationships. Thinking of your
differences as a complimentary strength
is often a creative tool when dealing with
conflict, he adds.
They say their passion for learning
and growth, some of it rooted in an
understanding of what it means to be a
follower of Christ, helps them to overcome
difficulties and conflict. “From the onset, we
wanted to be intentional about continuing
to grow our relationship,” Greg says.
“We looked for and found opportunities
to participate in marriage education
experiences, like marriage retreats, couple’s
groups, conferences and books.”
Priscilla adds: “We are both high achievers,
so we didn’t want to have a mediocre
relationship; we wanted to have a great
relationship. We didn’t want to know how
to just communicate, but rather we wanted
to really understand communication and
develop those skills.”
When their daughter and son grew older
and the Hunts realized they would be empty
nesters soon, they seized the opportunity
and completed Better Marriages leadership
training, an intense 40-hour session that
trains couples to lead together anything that
is couple, marriage or relationship-related.
Other training followed.
“We came out feeling confident and
competent to lead classes, workshops and
keynote events, facilitate small groups and
that sort of thing,” Priscilla says. “And that
became the joy of our life. We love working
with couples since there is nothing more
satisfying than standing on a stage, looking
out to an audience and seeing couples
knee to knee, talking about an important
issue in their relationship…”
But just as importantly, they train others
to teach. “We can go into a congregation
and train their whole ministry team to
become instructors,” she says. “It’s a way
of empowering them…”
Making a difference in people’s lives is what
keeps them going. There was the couple
from Oklahoma dealing with infidelity and
what seemed like insurmountable conflict.
Through counseling and support, the Hunts
taught them how to handle conflict and
communicate more effectively. Years later,
they called them and invited them out to eat
for their 10th
anniversary.
Another couple from Shreveport, La., had
three young children and careers outside
the home. They were barely holding it
together between work and parenting. “By
their own admissions, their relationship had
taken a back seat to everything else in their
life,” Priscilla says. “They were drowning
in activities and didn’t have time for each
other.”
The Hunts suggested they set aside time
each week, even if it was just 10 minutes,
to sit down without distractions and talk
about something other than who is taking
the kids to school or when the washing
machine repairman is coming. “We
encouraged them to really talk deeply about
their relationship and share their thoughts,
feelings, dreams and fears,” Priscilla says.
The couple didn’t think they had time, but
the Hunts challenged them to make time for
each other. The next week they had a plan:
The nanny would come 30 minutes earlier
GregandPriscilla
presentata2011
marriageconference.
GregandPriscilla
enjoyavacationtoLake
Superiorin2012.
GregandPriscillashare
akissin1997.
MARRIAGE
24 summer 2013

25. TheBetterMarriagesConference:EducatingCouples–
BuildingRelationships
When:July11-14,2013
Where:Raleigh,N.C.
What:Workshopsandsessionsonavarietyofmarriagetopics,
suchascommunication,decisionmaking,cyberinfidelity,and
muchmore.
Cost:Upto$495percoupleforregistrationafterJuly1.Singleday
ratesalsoavailable.
Formoreinformation:www.bettermarriages.org/conference
Photo by Muffett Petrehn / www.muffetpetrehn.com
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
25

26. during the weekday, they would leave 30 minutes
earlier for work, and they’d stop for coffee and talk.
More recently, Priscilla met a friend for coffee. Her
friend confided that after 25 years of marriage: “I
love Michael, but I don’t like him anymore.” She
called him a fuddy-duddy who doesn’t like to do
anything.
Priscilla challenged her to go home and make a list
of what attracted her to him when they were dating
and why they got married. Then they met the next
week.
She wrote a list of more than 20 things that
attracted her to her husband. “The more I wrote,
the more I realized I’m still crazy about him,” she
told Priscilla.
Priscilla explains, “It was just a simple exercise
to remind her to do an attitude check about the
things you think negative about your partner for
various reasons.”
Some mistakes couples make in their marriage are
predictable.
“The biggest mistake is thinking that your
relationship will thrive when it’s on autopilot,”
Priscilla says. “There is a misconception that you
don’t have to do anything in order to have a good
relationship and that it will happen just because
you want it to happen.”
“Another misconception is that the romantic ideal
of love that you feel for one another — that starry-
eyed falling in love experience — will provide
you with everything you need for a lifetime of
happiness,” Greg says. “There is a kind of naivety
about the nature of a true lifetime relationship and
the complications that come into play. Couples get
disillusioned or tired of one another, and they wake
up one morning to find that the romantic bubble
has burst. They’re not in the position to take
the next step, so they go off for the next in-love
feeling. They fail to find the potential to use that
moment as an opportunity to go deeper in their
relationship.”
Greg says one of their biggest challenges is
getting through to those who say they don’t need
marriage education or their relationship is fine.
“There is this misunderstanding that marriage
education and marriage counseling are the same
thing, and if you’re involved in marriage education
it’s a sign that your marriage is troubled,” he says.
“We want to convey that if you really value your
couple relationship, then you will be inspired to
make it all it can be, which turns it into this lifetime
adventure of learning and growth and shared
experiences. We want to encourage couples to
keep going for the best possible relationship they
could have.”
The4C’stoahappymarriage
CommitmenttoGod,toyourspouseandtothe
ongoingdevelopmentofyourrelationship
Communication
Conflictresolutionandtheimportanceofusing
conflictcreativelyinawaythatbringsyoutogether
ratherthanpushingyouapart
Celebratingeachotherandyourrelationship
Wheretofindamarriageenrichmentprogram
Lookinyourcommunityforprogramsoffered
bylocalchurchesandreligiousorganizations,
non-profitorganizations,publicinstitutionsor
communitygroups.
Checkoutwebsitessuchas:
BetterMarriagesatwww.bettermarriages.org
SmartMarriagesatwww.smartmarriages.com
WorldwideMarriageEncounteratwww.wwme.org
MARRIAGE
26 summer 2013

27. MARRIAGE
summer 2013
27

28. Some foods make you think of family gatherings long
ago, back when Grandma and Grandpa were still
alive. Other foods make you remember special oc-
casions or happy times. And some recipes are just
tried-and-true family favorites that you make time and
time and time again, simply because your spouse or
children request them.
Yes, food often becomes synonymous with family and
favorite memories. That’s why MARRIAGE magazine
wants to print your favorite recipes and share the fun.
Email your recipe — whether it’s a main dish, salad,
dessert, or anything else — to editor@marriagemaga-
zine.org to be included in a future issue.
And don’t be afraid to try some of the recipes that oth-
ers send in. As humorist Erma Bombeck once said:
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on
the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.”
Bon appetite!
recipe
Ingredients
1/4 cup unsalted butter
1 8-ounce can of black beans, rinsed and drained
1/8 bag of all natural chocolate chips
2 ounces of unsweetened dark chocolate (2
squares)
1 1/3 cup organic cane sugar
2 large eggs
1 tablespoon pureed cauliflower
1 1/2 teaspoon of pure vanilla extract
2 cups of oat flour
1/2 cup of sweetened dark cocoa powder
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon of iodized sea salt
Triple Chocolate Black Bean BrowniesFrom Carla Huizenga
Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line a 9-inch square baking pan with parchment paper or lightly
butter it. In a large microwave bowl, combine butter, bean puree and chocolates and microwave for
30-second increments, stirring each time, until melted and smooth, about 2 minutes.
Whisk in sugar, eggs, cauliflower and vanilla until smooth.
In a small bowl, whisk together flour, cocoa powder, baking powder and salt. Stir into chocolate
mixture until just combined. Pour batter into pan and smooth top. Bake until top is cracked and a
toothpick inserted in the center has moist crumbs attached, about 25 minutes. Let cool completely
in pan. Using parchment paper, lift brownie from pan and cut into 16 squares. Store in airtight
container for up to three days.
Nutrition facts per brownie
155 calories, 7 grams fat, 3 grams protein,
24 carbohydrates, 2 grams fiber
MARRIAGE
28 summer 2013

29. MARRIAGE
summer 2013
29

30. Humor in marriage has always fascinated me. As
I researched what the experts had to say about
fun and laughter in marriage, I was overwhelmed
by its importance. Marital research experts
Dr. Scott Stanley and Dr. Howard Markman
conducted a survey to discover what creates a
“strong” relationship. To their surprise, the amount
of fun couples had together emerged as the
strongest factor in understanding overall marital
happiness. Other positives were occurring in these
relationships—but good relationships became great
when they were preserving both the quantity and
quality of fun times together.
The impact of fun and
laughter on your marriage
What is it about laughing with your spouse that
feels so good? Is it the telling of a joke or funny
story that’s so rewarding? Or is it the fact that
someone actually finds you funny? Does it have
something to do with the punch line or your cleaver
wit? None of those truly matter. The real relational
benefit of humor is how safe it feels to be in the
presence of someone who is laughing. Now I’m
not talking about when someone laughs “at” you
or uses you as the punch line of their joke. These
things are dishonoring and lead to feeling unsafe.
Instead, I’m talking about laughing “with” your
spouse. Laughter feels safe because it opens your
heart. It’s impossible to have a closed heart and
laugh at the same time.
I read a great quote that said, “Laughter is the
shortest distance between two people.” But why
is this true? The answer is pretty amazing. Since
humor helps to make a person feel emotionally
safe and keeps our heart open, laughter actually
enhances our ability to connect with others. When
we laugh together, it unites us and binds us closer.
There are a whole host of ways that fun and
laughter bring a married couple together and
promote intimacy and connection. Listen to these:
€€ Laughter is contagious and helps generate
more laughter. Studies show that people
laugh far more when they are with other
people than when they are alone, and
laughter flows most freely when people feel
comfortable with each other.
€€ The stress in our lives from work, household
responsibilities, children and the demands
of society can feel overwhelming at times.
“Laughter is
the shortest
distance
between two
people.”
Strengthen your marriage
by having By Dr. Greg Smalley
fun!
MARRIAGE
30 summer 2013

31. After a long day, a home environment filled with
laughter significantly eases stress levels. By
elevating the mood of your spouse, you can
diminish their stress levels, and improve the
quality of the interaction you experience with
them, reducing your stress level even more!
€€ A simple smile or a giggle can break the ice when
things are tense. Humor lightens our burdens and
helps us keep things in perspective. This “halo
effect” helps couples remember other happy
events more vividly, and feel more optimistic,
more positive and more motivated with each
other.
€€ Having a sense of humor helps keep our
relationship fresh and can ease the mundane
times of marriage. This adds life to your marriage
and produces a general sense of wellbeing that
lifts your spirits.
€€ People look younger and more approachable
when they laugh. This creates a relaxed kind
of intimacy. Scientists have found that mutual
laughter helps people feel at ease around each
other. This sets peaceful tone in your marriage.
€€ The use of humor can catch your spouse’s
attention and has the capacity to hold it. Ladies,
now you have no excuse for saying that your
husband never listens to you—just make it funny!
Tips for adding fun and
laughter to your marriage
Life is so stressful, busy and pressured. We get so
caught up in our career, children and obligations. We
are constantly chauffeuring the kids, sitting in bleachers
watching our children play, answering e-mails, making
meetings, handling the finances, and scheduling
appointments that your day may feel like a series of
completed tasks and attended events. By the time
evening arrives both spouses are often exhausted and
in need of some alone time. Obviously, this hinders our
ability to enjoy each other. We often get so busy doing
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
31

32. life that we forget
that laughing and
having fun together
is as important
as discussing our
frustrations and hurts,
paying our bills and
getting the household
chores done. In fact, without the ability to have fun
together, our marriage and time together becomes
synonymous with strenuous labor. Bringing a little
lightheartedness into your relationship may be just
the thing you need to rejuvenate your marriage.
Here are four quick tips to bring in some fun and
laughter into your relationships.
Tip #1: Turn toward your spouse. A
wholehearted marriage will be the result of your
time. And one of the most important aspects of
relating and connecting is by “turning toward” each
other. When you turn toward your spouse you
express interest, attention and curiosity. Marriage
researcher Dr. John Gottman coined the phrase
“turn toward each other” to describe this kind of
behavior between couples.
Why is turning toward each other so vital?
Because it helps love mature and prevents conflict
from infiltrating the relationship. Gottman has
studied hundreds of couples and he’s found that
loving, romantic relationships are not maintained
through vacation getaways and lavish gifts.
Instead, happy couples keep their love alive
through small, everyday acts. They talk to each
other, laugh together, and pay attention to what the
other is doing and saying. In small ways they turn
toward each other instead of ignoring or turning
away.
Tip #2: Surprise your spouse by doing
something unexpected. Many couples
schedule a weekly “date night” to strengthen their
marital bond. But brain and behavior researchers
say many couples are going about date night all
wrong. Simply spending quality time together is
probably not enough to prevent a relationship from
getting stale.
Rather than visiting the same familiar places and
dining with the same old friends, couples need to
tailor their date nights around new and different
activities that they both enjoy. The goal is to find
ways to keep injecting newness and freshness
into the marriage. The activity can be as simple
as trying a new restaurant or something a little
more unusual or thrilling — like taking an art class
or going to an amusement park. One of the best
ways to bring freshness to your marriage is to find
ways of surprising each other.
Tip #3: Reminisce. Reminiscing about the
good times you’ve had in your marriage can help
strengthen the bond between a husband and
a wife and draw you closer together. Recalling
memorable events also provides hope through the
anticipation for similar enjoyable times in the future
and reminds you of the qualities that first attracted
you to each other. It causes couples to think,
“We’re actually quite good together!”
Reminiscing about the special times in your
marriage is easy. However, there’s only one rule.
Your answers must focus on the positive aspects
or your experiences. Don’t use this time to criticize,
to be negative or to use “slam” humor. Ask each
other questions like these to get started: What first
attracted you to me? What was going through your
mind on our
first date?
When did you
know that I
was the one
you wanted
to marry?
MARRIAGE
32 summer 2013

33. Tip #4: Protect your fun activities from conflict.
Conflict can be destructive to your fun times because it intensifies
negative emotions, painful memories flood into your awareness, and
people get hurt and become frustrated. As this happens, it becomes
virtually impossible to relax and enjoy each other.
Before your enjoyment is destroyed, interrupt arguments or sensitive
discussions by agreeing to talk about an issue at a later time.
Reschedule the conversation when you can provide the necessary
attention it deserves. Simply say: “Let’s not do this right now. How
about we talk about that issue later when we’re back at home?” By
not allowing conflict to harm you recreation you are sending a very
important message. The statement you’re
conveying is that protecting your relationship is
more important than impulsively arguing about
a problem.
Have fun!
Fun, laughter and play with our spouse can be difficult
because we all have more to do than can be done
in one day. However, we need to develop the ability
to separate ourselves from work, kids and other
responsibilities in order to have the possibility for enjoyment. Therefore,
a wholehearted marriage can be built when spouses keep
their work and play in perspective—when they feel no
remorse by relaxing, laughing and having fun.
Spend time together talking about your dreams, telling
stories, laughing and just hanging out with each other. You
need time to do all of those things you remembered doing
when you fell in love. Laughing and having fun is also a way
to appreciate those unique gifts each of you brings to the
marriage, to forget petty resentments, and for a brief time,
let tomorrow take care of itself.
Adapted from The Wholehearted Marriage by Dr. Greg
Smalley and Dr. Shawn Stoever. Copyright 2009 by Dr.
Greg Smalley. Used with permission.
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
33

34. Getting three teenagers to agree on anything —with the exception that their parents are old
and boring —is just about impossible. But after poring through travel catalogs and searching
online, we finally found a trip that everyone wanted to take. Welcome to Washington, D.C.
By Barbara A. Schmitz
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vacationing in Washington,
D.C. may remind you of being in history class. Only
it’s a lot more fun.
D.C. is known for its many historic attractions,
military and government buildings, memorials and
monuments and much more. But seeing the things
we’ve all learned about in history class makes the
nation’s capital — and our appreciation for our
country — come alive.
Getting there
The first thing to decide is how to get there. There
are basically three options — fly, drive or take
Amtrak. We decided to do the latter of the three.
For our family of five, four of whom counted as
adults, the cost roundtrip was about $1,100, which
saved us a couple hundred dollars vs. flying. True,
it did take 17 hours to get there from Chicago. But
the trip itself became part of our vacation. The seats
were comfortable and reclined, and we actually
slept at night, at least some of the time.
But the rest of the time we spent in the lounge car
playing games, reading, or eating snacks that we
brought onboard or purchased. While we could
have driven cheaper, it was nice NOT to have a
vehicle to worry about parking once in D.C. My
A monumental
vacation
Nation’s capital is fun, exhausting trip
MARRIAGE
34 summer 2013

35. one hint: Make sure you pack a light blanket. While
Amtrak provides small pillows for each passenger,
they don’t supply a blanket and it does get cold at
night when you’re trying to sleep.
Where to stay
We opted to stay in a suite, giving our family some
room to spread out. We choose the Homewood
Suites for its amenities, location and price. We
were less than a mile from the White House and
even closer to a metro station that would take us
anywhere we wanted to go. Our suite included
two double beds, a sleeper sofa and a kitchenette,
as well as complimentary Internet. The price also
included a breakfast buffet each morning, plus dinner
and drinks Monday through Thursdays. After an
exhausting day of sightseeing, it was nice to come
back to the hotel, eat and relax. The downside, at
least from the kids’ perspective — no pool, but they
did offer an exercise room.
To get the best prices, be sure to check out online
sources like Hotwire, Expedia and Orbitz. You’ll
have a lot more options if traveling with less than
five in your party. It really did limit where we could
comfortably stay.
What to do
This is truly the hardest decision because there is
so much to choose from. I was the only one who
had been there before, so our family started by
making a list of the options before we left home.
Then everyone cast their vote on what were “musts”
to see. Based on that, I came up with a tentative
itinerary, keeping it somewhat flexible based on
weather and other factors. The “must” list that my
family made included:
 Arlington National Cemetery — This 600-
plus acre cemetery is the final resting place for
such icons as President Kennedy and his wife,
Jacquelyn Kennedy Onassis, as well as brothers
Robert and Edward Kennedy; President William
Howard Taft; Thurgood Marshall, the first black
justice; Admiral Richard E. Bird, an Arctic explorer
and the first man to fly over both the North and
South Pole; and others. But the most amazing
thing to witness is the Changing of the Guard at
the Tomb of the Unknown Soldiers. The military
precision and solemnity is truly an honor to those
soldiers buried there. One word of warning: This
is still an active cemetery with an average of 27
funerals taking place daily. You may have to wait,
particularly if you’re on a tour, for a funeral to finish
before they will allow you in.
 Ford Theater, Peterson House and Center for
Education and Leadership — Everyone knows
the story how President Lincoln was killed, but
it’s still fascinating to see the theater where he
was shot and hear about how his assassin, John
Wilkes Booth, escaped that night. The tour also
includes the house where his body was carried to
The Spirit of St.
Louis hangs in the
Smithsonian National
Air and Space
Museum.
Laura and Dan rest
on the steps of the
Jefferson Memorial.
Exhausted after the
trip, the family waits
to board their Amtrak
train at Union Station
to begin the ride
home.
From left, Dan,
Laura, Sarah and
Luke pose by the
Capitol.
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
35

36. die, as well as the newly constructed Center for Education and Leadership
that features exhibits exploring the aftermath of the assassination, the hunt
for Booth and the lasting impact of Lincoln’s legacy.
 Holocaust Memorial Museum — This museum really is a living memorial
to the Holocaust and the 12 million who were killed, and a tribute to those
who helped Jews escape. It’s definitely worth a visit and a somber reminder
of what happens when evil goes unchecked.
 Memorials — Everyone sees the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington
Memorial because of their prominent place on the National Mall. But take
a walk or tour and visit some of the other memorials around the Tidal
Basin, such as the Franklin D. Roosevelt Memorial, the Thomas Jefferson
Memorial, the Martin Luther King Memorial, the Vietnam Veteran’s Memorial,
the World War II Memorial, to name a few. My tip: Go at night or on cloudy
days. You’ll have fewer crowds, and be a lot more comfortable, too.
 Smithsonian Institutions — We didn’t get to all of them, but top of my
family’s list to visit was the National Air and Space Museum, the National
Museum of Natural History, and the National Museum of American History.
If those don’t interest you, check out the other 16 museums and galleries
that are part of the complex, such as African Art, American Indian or African
American. Best of all, all the Smithsonian museums are free.
 National Zoo — As part of the Smithsonian, the National Zoo is home to
2,000 animals representing nearly 400 species. It, too, offers free admission.
 U.S. Capitol — We took a one-hour tour of the Capitol, but to be honest,
we didn’t see much of the building. However, it’s impressive to see, even
from the outside. But if you want a more exhaustive tour, contact your
legislator to set up a tour months in advance of your arrival.
Sarah and Laura
stand in front
of a T-rex at the
Smithsonian National
Museum of Natural
History.
Laura, Luke
and Sarah with
the Washington
Monument in the
background.
The family with the
White House in the
background.
MARRIAGE
36 summer 2013

37.  White House – You’ll also need to contact your
Congress representative to get a tour of the White
House. Requests can be submitted up to six months
in advance and no less than 21 days in advance.
But you’ll want to do it as soon as you know you’re
going since a limited number of spaces are available.
We weren’t that organized, deciding to do this trip at
the last minute. But we still walked around the White
House, and that doesn’t require any ticket.
 National Aquarium — We kind of stumbled upon
this and decided on a whim to go inside, mainly
because we wanted air conditioning to escape from
the oppressive heat one day. However, we didn’t
realize this wasn’t part of the Smithsonian so we were
surprised we had to pay admission. Not that it was
terribly expensive — $9.95 for adults — but it wasn’t
quite what we had come to expect from visiting the
other museums. Good, yes. But I wouldn’t need to go
back on a future visit.
Getting around
It is very easy to get around Washington, D.C. on the
metro. Each person traveling will need to buy a Smart
Card for $5, but then you can get to any stop for about
$2.20 or less, depending if you’re traveling during peak
hours or not. In a week, we spent about $15 or $20 each
on metro passes.
Be prepared
“Be prepared” might be the Boy Scout mantra, but it
worked really well on our trip. My family laughed at me
Sarah and Laura
stand next to the
carving of Lincoln
in the Lincoln
Memorial.
Laura and Sarah
stand near the 555-
feet tall Washington
Monument. It is
closed for repairs
due to an August
2011 earthquake.
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
37

38. when I created a binder filled with information about all the things we
wanted to see and do. I included addresses, hours, notes on if they were
on the “blue” or “red” metro lines, even phone numbers. And I carried
that booklet with me everywhere we went. That saved us time walking to
the Bureau of Engraving, for instance, only to find out that tickets were
already sold out for the day.
I even purchased tickets online and in advance for such venues as the
Ford Museum or the Holocaust Museum, as well as the free tours of the
U.S. Capitol. That saved us time waiting. Instead of going to the venue,
buying tickets and waiting until the next tour, we were able to go to the
front of the line and get right in.
Being prepared also means bringing the right gear. Comfortable walking
shoes should be No. 1 on your list. And you might just want to carry a
water bottle, too, especially if you’re visiting during the hot and humid
summer months.
In summary
Washington, D.C. was a great family trip. We tried to do it all and failed miserably. But that’s OK; that
gives us a reason to go back another time. We ran out of time to see the National Archives, Old Town
Alexandria, the Bureau of Engraving and Printing, Kennedy Center, Mount Vernon, the Pentagon,
additional Smithsonian museums, to name a few.
But if family vacations are about memories, then it was one of our best. With two now in college, it
probably was one of the last times we will take a vacation together. So while I’ll remember the sites we
saw, I’ll cherish the time we spent together even more.
Dan and Luke stand in the Ford
Theater balcony overlooking
where President Lincoln was
assassinated in 1865.
MARRIAGE
38 summer 2013

39. Summertime means lazy, sunny days and fireflies
at night. It means playtime and vacation.
Vacation is that wonderful time for adventure and
relaxation. But vacation is also a time for stress
— the stress of planning for it, getting ready for it,
getting there, and having it all work out the way
you hoped it would.
Even things you look
forward to can create stress.
According to the American
Institute of Stress, if you were
to ask a dozen people to define stress or explain
what causes it or how it affects them, you would
likely get 12 different answers. That’s because
what is stressful for one person may have little
effect on another or may even be pleasurable.
Men and women handle stress differently.
However, the stress for both sexes increases even
more if we are not aware of how we are different.
Science has proven that there are lots of
differences in both the architecture and
activity of male and female brains.
Women’s brains have more white
connective tissue between parts. Thus,
when women are coping with stress,
they experience an increase in the
blood flow to the emotional part of
the brain. In other words, female
brains are literally designed to be more
emotional under stress.
But then the connective tissue goes
straight to the talking part of women’s
brains. Thus, women are designed to talk
about what they are feeling, especially when
under stress. In fact, research shows that doing
so is a very strong stress reliever for women. The
less they talk, the higher their stress levels rise.
Men, on the other hand, are wired differently. Their
connective tissue goes to the action part of the
brain, the part that says do something … act, fix,
change or solve. When a man is under stress, he
needs to do something about it. He goes into the
Handling vacation
By Bill and Marianne Oehser
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
39

40. problem and if there isn’t anything he can do about
it, he temporarily forgets it until he can reevaluate
it later. In essence, his brain simply shuts off; it
temporarily goes blank. So the more a woman
talks, the more frustrated her mate becomes that
he can’t “fix it.”
The male and female stress response is also
different on a hormonal level. One of the most
important hormones that we all have is oxytocin,
or the bonding hormone. It is released during
childbirth, during sex, and in response to emotional
situations. Women’s bodies use oxytocin to deal
with stress. It counteracts other stress hormones
and promotes nurturing and relaxing emotions.
But when our oxytocin “tank” is empty, the stress
becomes unbearable. That is when relationship
crises happen.
When men are under stress, they produce
oxytocin, too. But they produce less of it and its
affects are largely overridden by testosterone.
They typically don’t run out of oxytocin under
stress; they run out of testosterone, which makes
them irritable and grumpy. When that happens
a man just wants to let off steam with a game of
racquetball or retreat to his “cave” and go blank
until his hormone level gets back to normal.
Replenishing oxytocin is an important way for
women to successfully manage their stress.
But, how do you do that? There is no one-size-
fits-all solution, but women should do anything
that makes them feel calm and in control. Some
possibilities include:
→→ Pamper yourself — get a massage or
pedicure or take a hot bath
→→ Sweat it out with a good workout
→→ Take a peaceful walk
→→ Play with a pet
When stress boils up, both men and women
initially go into fight or flight mode: Fight =
aggression; flight = avoidance. Then everyone’s
brains release oxytocin, and that is when the
difference starts. Testosterone takes over and a
man will either get into a conflict or take off. But
in a woman, estrogen begins to enhance the
oxytocin and she usually wants to connect. What
can you do when this happens?
→→ If you are a woman, tell your partner
that you need to talk and he could
help you a lot by just listening. Tell him
that he doesn’t have to solve it at that
moment; just listening to you will help
relieve the stress.
→→ If you are a man and need to take a
break, tell your partner that you just
need some quiet time and you’ll be
happy to talk about it later.
If a woman can let her man have a break and if a
man can give his woman a little bit of extra talking
MARRIAGE
40 summer 2013

41. or cuddling, they are far more likely to avoid the
fights and emotional disconnects that stressful
situations often spark.
Reducing the opportunity for stress to arise in
the first place is great preventative medicine for
both men and women. One way to do that is to
anticipate your pain points. Be aware of where
stress is likely to show up for you. Then find the
best way to diffuse what is likely to be stressful.
Some possibilities include:
→→ Set reasonable expectations – yours
and others
→→ Negotiate potentially conflicting
situations ahead of time with your
spouse, your family and your friends
→→ Go with the flow when unexpected
things occur
→→ Realize that there are some things you
cannot control. Focus your energy on
the ones you can control. Even if you
can’t change the situation, you can
control how you see it. Attitude makes
a huge difference in how much stress
you experience.
Managing stress, especially vacation stress, is all
about three things:
→→ Awareness — Realize where the stress
comes for you and know how it affects
your partner differently.
→→ Choice — Decide how you want to deal
with situations, either by anticipating
them or going with the flow when
something happens.
→→ Action — Do things that keep your
hormone “tank” full.
Enjoy that vacation!
Marianne Oehser is a certified
relationship coach for couples and
singles. She and her husband, Bill,
specialize in helping clients work
through life’s transitions such as
retirement, empty-nests, and single
again in mid-life. They received their
training and certification at Relationship
Coaching Institute, the largest
international organization specializing
in teaching coaches to help couples
build and maintain healthy and fulfilling
relationships. For more information, visit
www.BetweenTwoHearts.org.
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
41

42. THEMANCAVE
“I would take a bullet for my wife right now
if I had to.”
A former Navy Seal had just shared this
with us during an individual counseling
meeting. The look in his eyes made it clear
that questioning his sincerity was not an
option; you did so at your own risk.
There was something in his manner that
suggested he would almost welcome the
opportunity. It was as if with one dramatic,
heroic act he would finally settle the
question once and for all: You see, it’s true.
I really DO love you.
This man is not alone. In the nearly
20,000 counseling meetings we’ve
conducted, we’ve heard countless men —
military and civilian — express this same
sentiment: I would die for you. I would offer
up my life so that you could keep yours.
Deep in the noblest part of every man’s
heart lies this desire to sacrifice in a way
that will deeply impact those he loves.
Being willing to die for our wives in a heroic
moment is laudable beyond words. But
so is living for her. The chances of literally
dying while trying to protect our wives is
slim, but the opportunity to sacrifice and
protect her is ever before us. The problem
is, men often tend to focus on the “big”
sacrifices and minimize the little ones.
The news media promotes this emphasis
on “big” events. We may hear the story of
the brave soldier who saved three people
and lost his own life in the process. But
what is often overlooked are the countless
drills this man went through in his training,
how he inspected and cleaned his
equipment over and over, how he endured
adversity repeatedly, how his training
taught him a lifestyle of giving rather than
receiving. We don’t hear about all the little
sacrifices he made that prepared him for
the big one. Should this man be any less a
hero for his “small” sacrifices?
And so it is with marriage. Do men need to
be ready to die to protect their families in a
heroic moment if need be? Absolutely. But
we also need to be willing to walk through
life with our wives, doing little things on a
daily basis that make her feel protected
and valuable.
I knew Dianne needed
me for the “big”
moments, like when
her grandmother
suddenly died or when
our daughter battled
severe reflux in her
first year of life. What I
Being the heroBy Perry and Dianne Dodge
MARRIAGE
42 summer 2013

43. Perry and Dianne Dodge are licensed psychotherapists who lead Amazing Marriage
Weekends and other relationship seminars across the country. Their work has been
featured on NBC television and Bott Radio Network. With two beautiful young daughters
and a female cat “Maddie,” man caves are hard to come by in their own home, but Perry
wouldn’t have it any other way. This column does not constitute professional advice. The
Dodges can be reached through their website at www.amazingmarriages.com.
didn’t know is how much the little daily things have meant
to her until she told me: “Perry, when you bring a cup of
coffee to me in the morning, or make breakfast for our
girls, or listen to me talk about the same problem for the
umpteenth time without rushing to give advice — all these
things make a huge difference to me. To you, they may
be ordinary; to me, they are heroic.”
Men, let’s resist the urge to focus only on the big events.
That can be a distraction, causing us to minimize the little
things we do for our wives on a daily basis. They do make
a difference, often more than we realize. And like in the
military, the little sacrifices prepare us for the big ones.
It’s been said that there is “no greater love than this, than
to lay down one’s life for his friend” (John 15:13). This is
the truth the Navy Seal had articulated in our office. Deep
in his heart, every man knows this to be true. When a
man lives a life of sacrifice — both big and small — he
elevates those around him. He may be misunderstood;
he’ll need to keep asking his wife what acts mean the
most to her and some sacrifices may go unnoticed. But
these things don’t matter because a man on a mission
doesn’t quit. He presses on. And that’s what makes him
a hero.
To you,they may
be ordinary;to me,
they are heroic.”

44. Sexy board ga
sizzle to s
By Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo
It’s a warm summer evening as you and your
spouse enjoy a wonderful dinner outside.
But tonight is different than all the other
nights. Instead of plopping down and
watching a movie after dinner the two
of you are going to step outside your
comfort zone.
It’s time to play a board game to spice up
your marriage.
This isn’t your average game of Uno,
Yahtzee or Monopoly. It’s time to play
something new and different.
We have done this in our own marriage and
consequently, have learned new things about
each other. Ultimately, playing new board
games has allowed us to grow closer and
connected.
So, make this summer
different from all the other nights you pull out board
games. Play a board game that will have you
learning, laughing and loving each other
as your clothes start coming
off.
Stuck in a sexual rut? Try one of
these 11 board games to reignite
the passion in your marriage.
MARRIAGE
44 summer 2013

45. Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo are
co-hosts of the #3 Marriage
Podcast in iTunes, ONE
Extraordinary Marriage Show.
They have co-authored “7 Days
of Sex Challenge” and “Stripped
Down: 13 Keys to Unlocking
Intimacy in Your Marriage.” For
many years, Tony and Alisa
have helped couples CREATE
the life and intimacy they desire
in their marriage. Learn more
about the DiLorenzos at www.
OneExtraordinaryMarriage.com.
ames can bring
summer nights
Pick one or two of the following games, have fun and
enjoy some friendly competition:
♥♥ Sex Stack
♥♥ Naked Wii (bowling, baseball,
tennis, etc.)
♥♥ Foreplay Dice
♥♥ Naughty Bingo
♥♥ Know Your Partner
♥♥ I Dare You
♥♥ Sexy Truth or Dare
♥♥ Strip Poker
♥♥ Sex Position of the Day
♥♥ Authenticity
♥♥ Embrace
Any of these board games could spice up your
marriage and your sex life. It’s a
terrific way for the two of
you to break out of that sexual rut. In addition, any of
these games would be a perfect anniversary or birthday
present for your beloved.
However, make sure you pick the game that best
matches what your spouse would enjoy playing. If you
pick the wrong one, it will likely just sit in the closet.
That’s not what we want for you or your spouse.
So turn the heat up on your marriage this summer and
try a new board game.
Note: We advise that you only play these games with
your spouse. If the game calls for more than
two players, we recommend that
you do not entertain this
option.
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
45

46. Parenting Prose Lori Becky, a parent’s best friends.
I’ve heard this statement from moms of young kids
on more than one occasion. So … let’s begin by
defining vacation and trip. A vacation is freedom
from duty. It usually involves rest, recreation and
travel. A trip, on the other hand, is venturing from
one location to another. Just to be clear, when
traveling with the family, especially little ones, you
are experiencing a trip, not a vacation.
A couple months after giving birth to our third child,
we lived the not-so-subtle difference between a trip
and a vacation. The five of us went on a family retreat
sponsored by our church. Tom and I thought: “Hey, we
are seasoned parents. This will be a piece of cake!”
We had forgotten we were now out-numbered, two to
three.
The get-away was a disaster. We all slept in the same
room and the baby had trouble settling down in the
new surroundings. No one got much sleep. We were
exhausted and cranky. I remember thinking, “I’m never
going to have fun again.” OK, that sentiment was a bit
dramatic and most definitely a weak “feel sorry for me”
moment. I later realized I had gone into the experience
with the wrong attitude. I was expecting rest and
recreation. Who was I kidding? I had a 2-month-old, a
21-month-old, and a 3 ½-year-
old. An adventure, for sure. A
suspension from the parental role,
not a chance!
Our adventures usually include
two uninvited and unwanted
guests. Their names are Accident
and Illness. We have visited
the emergency room in most states. It isn’t a true
Wildenberg family trip unless a visit to Urgent Care is
part of the package. Our now four kids have had ear
infections, strep throat, broken arms, sprained ankles, a
sting from a Portuguese Man-O-War, and more. The
only thing we can predict is the unpredictability of our
travel experience.
When traveling with kids, both big and small, Becky
and I agree it is important to lower your vacation
expectations. Here are a few traveling tips we have
developed to make the time away from home more
enjoyable.
Pointers for planning
 Involve the kids in the trip planning. Allow them
to pick one or two activities for the family to
enjoy. Use travel books and websites to plan
the family outings.
 Pack snacks for car or air travel.
 Bring along a first aid kit
that includes bandages,
antibacterial wipes, antibiotic
ointment, hydrocortisone,
Tylenol, Calamine lotion, cough
syrup, Sudafed, Tums, Pepto-
Bismol tablets, thermometer,
tweezers, scissors, sunscreen and lotion.
 In your carry-on or car bag include an extra
outfit for each person, just in case.
• Tuck in a few Ziploc plastic bags
for motion sickness and
garbage.
• If you are traveling by
plane with a baby, bring
A trip or a vaction
“Don’t ask me; this is my vacation. Talk to Dad.”
MARRIAGE
46 summer 2013

47. Lori and Becky are moms and licensed Parent and Family
educators. Lori and Tom have been married for 30 years and
have four children. Their home is nestled in the foothills of the
Rocky Mountains. Becky and her husband, Scott, have been
married 22 years and are the parents of two teenage boys.
They live in Minnesota.
Lori and Becky are coauthors of EMPOWERED PARENTS:
Putting Faith First. Their mission is to equip and encourage
parents with God’s Word. Contact them together or
individually at www.loriandbecky.com to book a speaking
engagement or workshop for your church, school or group.
Lori and Becky are also available for retreats.
a bottle or pacifier for the ascent and descent.
Gum or hard candy works great for the older
kids.
 Download some favorite movies, games
and music for the trip.
Travel time tips
 Engage the kids in conversation, games
and books while traveling.
 Let a few “behavior” things go.
This time is not your best “teachable
moment.”
 If on a plane, be friendly with the people
around you.
 During road trips, take an occasional
stretch and movement break at rest stops.
Destination details
 Avoid moving to different
hotels once you arrive at
your destination. It’s helpful
to hunker down in the same
spot throughout the trip. Do
day trips and return to your
“home-base.”
 Don’t over-schedule. Allow
for free time. Be willing to
forgo plans if the children are
tired.
 Attempt to maintain some
sort of routine. Explore in the morning, stay
put in the afternoon. If possible, stick to the
regular bedtime and naptime.
 Eat some meals in your room. Eating out
adds additional stress.
 Take lots of pictures. (Let the kids shoot
some photos so Mom and Dad are in a few
pictures, too!)
Post trip
 Create a scrapbook of the family adventure.
Include ticket stubs, pictures, maps and
postcards.
 Go on a date with your spouse — no kids
allowed!
Family trips are great ways to
create family memories. Every
minute may not be fun, but the
entire time will definitely be an
adventure. Oh, we almost forgot
the most important item —
make sure to pack your sense of
humor!
Until next time,
Lori and Becky
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
47

48. DURATION RATINGYEAR
1998 97 MIN PG-13
The Wedding Singer
Whether you’ve just put the kids to bed, or the kids have
already grown and are out of the house, sometimes there is
nothing like a cuddle-up-on-the-couch date night for you and
your spouse. But what to watch? With today’s streaming
services, you don’t even have to plan to get a movie in
advance. MARRIAGE magazine’s movie review will feature
movies available on Netflix or Amazon Instant Video, as
well as those that can be checked out at your local library or
nearby video rental store.
If you have a movie you think we should review, email us the information at editor@marriagemagazine.org.
Or better yet, write the movie review yourself! Movies can be any genre —and they certainly don’t need
to be current. (Sometimes the oldies really are the goodies.) So put on something comfy, make some
popcorn, cuddle up with your sweetheart and enjoy the movie!
MOVIE REVIEW By Alyssa Brunner
Big hair, CD players, Billy Idol and other ‘80s fads may
all have gone out of style, but chasing after true love
will never get old.
In “The Wedding Singer,” awkward but loveable
Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore both find
themselves engaged to the wrong people. A
stereotypical nice guy, Robbie Hart (Sandler) diffuses
disagreements and takes care of drunken friends and
strangers alike while he sings at wedding receptions.
At one tense wedding, Robbie works his magic
and tells the newlyweds, “When you fall in love,
the emptiness kind of drifts away because you find
something to live for: each other…I can tell you’re
gonna live for each other for the rest of your lives.”
Everyone loves the wedding singer and his genuine, if
idealistic, attitude toward love.
But that attitude soon
changes, when a
week later, he is
stood up at his own
wedding. Stunned
by his fiancée
Linda’s betrayal,
he holds out hope
for reconciliation
until she offers an
explanation that
night: She wants
more than to
marry “just” a wedding
singer. She says: “The fact is, we grew apart
a long time ago. You just wanted to get married so
badly, you didn’t care to who.”
Photo taken from www.dvdsreleasedates.com
MARRIAGE
48 summer 2013

49. Heartbroken and bitter, Robbie returns to work but
he can no longer even tolerate the happy couples at
weddings. At his first wedding back, he alternates
between tearful songs, angry outbursts and rambling
monologues about the futility of love. Rounding off
his less-than-stellar night with a rendition of “Love
Stinks,” Robbie gets into a fistfight with the father of
the bride. He later tells his friend Julia (Barrymore):
“I hate the bride; I hate the groom. I want them to be
miserable because that’s what I am.”
Robbie eventually puts aside his hatred of weddings
and helps Julia plan her own wedding to playboy
Glenn. Julia and Robbie grow closer as they haggle
for the best prices and hire the entertainment for her
reception. Both also fall in love with the other, but they
don’t want to ruin the other’s apparent happiness.
Although Robbie is upset by Glenn’s infidelity, he
doesn’t want to destroy Julia’s upcoming marriage.
When Julia sees Linda at Robbie’s house and
mistakenly assumes that they are back together, she
ignores her disappointment and immediately catches
the next plane to Vegas with Glenn. Robbie learns of
Julia’s feelings for him and goes after her, because “if
you find somebody you can love, you can’t let that get
away.”
Although the movie contains some strong language
and sexually suggestive jokes, “The Wedding Singer”
uses just the right amount of cheesy humor to show
that nice guys don’t always finish last.
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
49

50. criptureS
When they are overwhelmed: Psalm 27:1
When they feel inadequate: John 14:27
When they are overcome with worry: Ephesians 3:20
Help them understand God’s plan: Matthew 6:33
Your relationship with each other: Philippians 2:1-6
Their relationship with others: Luke 6:36-38
ways to PRAY
for your spouse

51. Couple’sExercise
Take some time and ask each other these
fun and thought-provoking questions:
1. What is your favorite Olympic event?
2. Would you rather be blind or deaf?
3. What is one thing you admire about your mother (or
mother figure)?
4. What food do you hate?
5. Who is your favorite superhero?
6. What is your biggest shopping pet peeve?
7. If you could have any single superpower, what would
it be and why?
8. What was your favorite subject in elementary school?
(Lunch and recess don’t count.)
9. You just scored $5. What would you spend it on?
10. If you could reincarnate into any animal after you die,
what animal would you want to be?
11. If you had $1 million and you HAD to spend it, what
would you do with it?
12. What does your dream vacation look like?
13. Who is your celebrity role model and why?
14. If you had 24 hours left to live, what would you do
and why?
15. When did you first know you were going to marry
your spouse?
16. What is your fondest memory as a child?
17. Your house is on fire. What five items do you grab
before you leave?
18. What quality do you have that you hope your kids
inherit?
19. What’s your favorite memory with your childhood
best friend?
20. Where would you move to if you had to move out of
the country?
21. What was your favorite hiding place as a kid?
22. What has your other half done recently that made
you love him or her more?
23. What do you admire most about your significant
other?
24. What is a household chore you hate doing?
25. What is something you feel guilty about or wish you
had done better this week?
26. What would you like to do when you retire?
27. What is a talent you wish you were better at?
28. Describe your other half in three words.
29. How did your other half make you feel loved this past
week?
30. What about the world makes you sad?
31. What about the world makes you happy?
32. What was your favorite memory from the wedding
celebration or reception?
33. How would a classmate have described you in high
school?
34. What was a toy from childhood you never had but
coveted?
35. What is your biggest flaw?
36. What do you do on your bad days to make you
happy?
37. What does your other half do for you on your bad
days to make you happy?
38. When you go to an event/party/potluck, what food do
you hope is there?
39. What are your favorite Smartphone apps?
40. What is something that always embarrasses you?
41. What is the greatest Halloween costume you’ve ever
had?
42. What is your favorite type of food?
43. What was your favorite wedding gift?
44. You are on a desert island and only five people can
be there with you. Who would you want them to be?
45. What is your favorite time of day?
46. If you were a fruit, what would you be?
47. What is your favorite type of cake?
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
51

52. Brett and Cheryl Davis knew from the beginning it
wouldn’t be easy. In fact, that’s why they have tried
so hard and been so successful. At marriage, that
is.
The Naples, Fla. couple has been happily married
for more than 20 years.
“It doesn’t matter who you are married to or how
long you are married,” Cheryl says. “You still have
to work at it. I love him 110 percent every day
whether he loves me or not. I choose every day
when I get up to love him. Too many people just
get divorced when it gets rough.”
The couple met in June 1992, and married just a
few months later, on Oct. 10, 1992, in Bedford,
Ind. They said they knew it was true love from the
beginning.
“We did some traveling throughout the Midwest
our first months together,” Brett recalls. “We could
tell it was right from the
beginning. It has been
more than 20 years, so
we must have been right,”
he adds, laughing.
The two literally spend
all their time together.
Brett works out of the
home, and when he
travels, Cheryl often goes
with him. When not
working, Brett says
they just like to hang
out together.
“We watch TV
together and work
out together,” Cheryl
says. “We’re together
24 hours a day, seven
days a week. If I had
my druthers, I would
rather spend all my time with him rather than
anyone else.”
Brett says Cheryl is his best friend, but adds that
he doesn’t believe in such a thing as a soul mate.
“If you don’t have God in your marriage, you don’t
have a good chance of your marriage succeeding.
It’s like a rope. When a rope winds together, there
are three parts. Marriage also has three parts —
me, her and God.”
They are parents to two boys — ages 19 and 15 —
and have agreed to keep a united front with them,
even when they don’t agree, Cheryl says. They’ll
just talk about it later themselves when the boys
aren’t around.
Brett says their kids are awesome and will talk to
them about everything and anything. “We’ve never
hidden things from them, and that helps our kids
communicate with us,” he explains.
Unconditional love
Florida couple finds happiness in giving 110 percent to each other
By Barbara A. Schmitz
10 years
Engaged
MARRIAGE
52 summer 2013

53. 15 + years
That doesn’t mean
that the two haven’t
had any bad times or
challenges, however..
“The first five years
we were married, we
argued a lot,” Brett
recalls. “We learned
we are not morning
people, so we don’t
do a lot of communicating then. And now we’ve
been together so long that we both know when
each other needs a little space.”
And Cheryl will even apologize, even when it isn’t
her fault, Brett says. “There are no egos here.”
In addition, Brett broke his back and had a pain pill
addiction at one point. “That was very difficult for
me,” Brett recalls. “But Cheryl stood by me.”
The fact that both Cheryl and Brett grew up
in similar homes has helped strengthen their
marriage.
“We grew up an hour apart, but we both came
from a very similar type of life,” Brett says. “My
parents divorced when I was 1 and my dad
seldom came around. Her parents divorced when
she was a teenager,
but her dad hardly had
anything to do with
her, too. It has helped
us to have similar
backgrounds. We
understand how each
other feels, and it gave
us a lot of common
ground to build on in
our own marriage. For
one, we both knew we would never be hands-off
with our kids. Everything you do in your life, if it
doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger.”
Although Cheryl is the “best-looking girl” he’s ever
been with, Brett says he has never been jealous.
“Jealousy is one of the ugliest things that can rip
you apart,” he says. “When I’m out of town, those
thoughts never enter my mind. Cheryl has done a
great job of making me feel comfortable….”
When they moved to
Florida about four years
ago, they at first thought
it was their decision.
But Brett says they later
learned that it was God
who had them move
there. “We just weren’t
paying attention,” he
says. “We became closer
to God and he became
closer to us. We’ve done
things here that we never would have been able to
do back in Indiana, like start our own church and
help people in their spiritual life.”
Their church no longer exists, but the two continue
to reach out to youth through various channels,
such as a traveling basketball team for inner-city
youth, or trying to start an orphanage in Haiti.
“Once the Lords puts children in your heart, it’s a
hard thing to pull away from,” Brett explains.
Cheryl says the couple renewed their vows
after 10 years of marriage, and she wants to
renew them again. “I definitely feel blessed with
the relationship we have … and praise God for
teaching us so many wonderful things.”
They both also give some of the praise to the
pastor who renewed their vows and prayed that
15 years
18 years
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
53

54. God would
give them a
marriage that
other people
would be
jealous of.
“It’s come
true…”
Cheryl said.
Cheryl said
one night she had a realization, which was
a turning point in their marriage. “I realized
that Brett was not out to get me, hurt me
or bully me. If he snaps at me, I literally tell
myself that this is not about me. It changed
my whole thought process about arguing.”
Cheryl also took the 40-day Love Dare
journey, by Alex and Stephen Kendrick,
and said that made a difference. “In the
beginning, you think you are doing your
partner a favor by doing this 40-day
journey. But when you get up to day 30,
you realize this whole dare has been for
yourself so you could change whom you
are.”
“We believe most people only love people
who love them back,” Brett says. “But
when you marry someone, you take a vow
that says you will love them. That love is
unconditional and is not dependent on
what somebody else does. If it would make
Cheryl happy to be with someone else, I
love her so much that is what I would want
her to do. Love cannot be selfish.”
19 years
MARRIAGE
54 summer 2013

55. (Note: We usually write about the military. However,
when we were asked to write about finances, we
realized that the military couples who take our
classes have many of the same issues about money
that the rest of us do. They just have to handle it
halfway around the world in combat boots!)
First disillusionment.
Money was the subject of the first big argument
we ever had — and we weren’t even married
yet. The way we each felt about “dollars” made
no “sense” to the other.
I (Barbara) always take the logical approach.
I set up a budget based on our income.
Conventional wisdom then said that rent should
be about one-fourth of income. Bob, who was
working in New Jersey while I finished school
in Illinois, went looking for an apartment. He
called me to say he had signed a lease for an
apartment costing three-fourths of our monthly
income. I was upset and told Bob we simply
couldn’t afford that apartment.
I (Bob) told Barbara she was being
unreasonable. I argued that this was New
Jersey, and apartments in her proposed price
range were old, dirty and full of bugs. I moved
her into the apartment anyway, and then two
weeks later, I was in the Army and she had to
pay for the apartment herself.
Thus, we set the pattern for hundreds (possibly
thousands) of arguments, which we thought
were about money. But we were mistaken. The
issue wasn’t money; it was our views about
money that caused all the heartache.
Moneyattitudes:
Understanding“me”first
Barbara:
Bob and I were raised with different views
of money and we did not understand how
much that colored our money decisions. My
Midwestern family was lower middle class. We
had five children and my father was a postal
worker. He doled out the money and tightly
controlled all spending. Growing up I most
often heard, “We can’t afford it.” In high school,
I paid for my own clothes and school supplies.
I worked my way through college with jobs and
scholarships. I learned that spending must be
carefully planned.
Bob:
My family also had limited money, yet Mom
and Dad found a way to take us on a family
vacation every summer. There was money for
little treats. Celebrations, like birthdays and
holidays, were a big part of family life – there
were always gifts. I thought this was normal,
but I didn’t see Mom and Dad working three
jobs between them. When we married, I
dollars and senseBy Barbara and Bob Zielinski
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
55

56. couldn’t understand Barbara’s austerity living plan
and refused to compromise my standard of living.
“We’ll just work more and make more money,” I
said.
So every month Barbara and I argued about the
bills. We entrenched ourselves in our different
perspectives until we realized paying bills was only
the triggering issue. Bob and I have very different
“attitudes” about money. They are preconceived
notions of the way we think things should be.
Our “conversations” about money were chock full
of landmines, usually triggered with the words
should, should not, always and never! Until we
understood our attitudes, we couldn’t untangle the
money arguments.
Barbara:
I see money as a
wall of security
in case anything
happens or goes
wrong. Having
money gives me
options. When I
got ready to retire, I chose the pension option that
gave me a lower monthly payment but allowed
Bob to continue collecting if I died. When his
pension options came up, he actually considered
getting more money now (because we needed it
now) but it wouldn’t have covered me if he died. I
was incensed! Making sure the remaining spouse
would have income is an important priority to me.
Money is power
Bob:
There is some uninformed, ignorant little demon
inside that tells me money is only a means to an
end. If I want something, then I plan to get it. If
Barbara talks to me about spending, I will counter
with how we can earn or raise additional income.
What does money mean to you? Is it security?
Fun? Reward? We were stuck until we explored
the underlying issue of what we thought money
should be used for. Exploring attitudes about
money gave us a way to disengage the battle and
talk constructively. Understanding how the other
saw money was the first positive step in unraveling
our disagreements.
Decisions about spending reflect who has power
in a relationship. Couples may have similar overall
financial goals, but the day-to-day decisions
of how to reach those goals probably differ
significantly. Each spouse struggles to be sure
his or her individual priorities are met. He may
want a new truck; she may want to save for the
down payment on a house. Discussing spending
priorities is essential.
Barbara:
What influenced me about money as I grew up?
While working to buy my own school supplies and
clothing, I learned that money is harder to earn
than to spend. The only way to stretch income is
to spend wisely. That’s why I always head for a
store’s discount rack first.
Bob:
I believe that if we need something, such as a
computer or new car, then we should make the
best deal possible and buy it. But wait, there’s
another side to my story…

57. Our family has made some wonderful memories.
Everyone comes for the Christmas Eve feast.
Everyone remembers staying in a treehouse tent in
Maho Bay, St. John and sharing our supper with
the birds. Our kids have seen castles in Germany,
sunsets in Hawaii, beautiful beaches at Grand Turk
Island, snow-covered mountains in Banff, Alberta
and California redwoods. To me, making these
kinds of memories is more important than strictly
sticking to a budget.
However, crises greatly affect how I handle money.
When Barbara was diagnosed with breast cancer
years ago, I wanted to give her a reason to get
well. So while she was in the hospital, I traded in
her “granny” car for a convertible. I had it sitting
in the driveway with the top down when I brought
her home from the hospital. She climbed out of the
van in her nightgown, saw the convertible, looked
at me and asked, “Whose car is that?” With my
biggest Cheshire Cat grin, I
said, “Yours,” and handed
her the keys. For a fleeting
moment she
started to
give
me that “how are we going to pay for this” look,
but she didn’t say anything. Instead, she asked for
a ride in her new car before going inside. That car
said to her life is going to be more fun. She loved
driving around with the top down and the wind in
her hair. That is what money is for in my world.
Barbara:
Fun quotient was one of the first things I had to
understand. Bob has a much higher fun quotient
than I do. He needs fun in his week – movies,
lunch in a restaurant or parties give him energy
and motivation. My FQ was almost non-existent.
Instead of my constant, “No, we can’t afford it,” I
learned to plan for weekly fun outings and allow
for fun items in our budget. Yearly vacations are
important to Bob. So, instead of automatically
saying, “We can’t afford it,” I try to suggest
affordable options.
Understanding the wants and
needs of your partner
Bob:
I needed to understand just how scary being in
debt is to Barbara. She wants an emergency fund,
just in case something goes wrong. I began to
understand that we had different attitudes when it
comes to money. Those attitudes were ingrained

58. in us as children. We can’t ignore them, argue with
them or deem them “unreasonable” because to
each of us, they are reasonable.
Barbara:
Most couples don’t recognize the power of money
attitudes until times get tough. With the birth of
a child, income may decrease while expenses
increase. Financial stress plays out differently
in each spouse. For instance, when I go to the
grocery store, I buy frugally. I check sale items
and compare prices. If tomatoes are $2 a pound I
don’t buy them. When Bob does the shopping, he
doesn’t look at the prices. If he wants tomatoes for
his sandwich, the price is not important. It is difficult
for me not to criticize his choices. But since he is
doing more shopping now, I try to educate him
about what is a good sale or price.
Balance and respect
Bob:
We have passed the checkbook and bill paying
duties back and forth several times with
unsatisfactory results. We finally worked out a
procedure that works well for us. Barbara collects
and lists all the bills and gives the list to me. I
balance the accounts and put together a payment
plan that we go over together and approve. Then
I pay the bills. This system keeps us both fully
aware of our financial situation and makes us
equally responsible for financial decisions. Monthly
money arguments have been
replaced by sane, reasonable
discussions that satisfy each of
us.
Honesty about spending is
paramount. Hiding purchases
or buying large items without
input from the other spouse
is an explosion waiting for a
spark. Our spending limit is
$50; any purchase over $50
needs spousal approval.
Learning to work together on
the emotional issue of money
takes years and maturity. Mostly it takes loving
understanding and acceptance of how your spouse
is very different from you.
About the authors
Bob and Barbara Zielinski direct the Military
Marriage Enrichment Project for their non-profit
organization Marriage Management. To date
they have served hundreds of military personnel
and their spouses, delivering “Boots On, Boots
Off” marriage education classes in a safe
environment.
For more information, visit
www.marriagemanagement.org.
MARRIAGE
58 summer 2013

59. A couple from Newark, N.J. had been married for three years when they noticed that the
“luster” was starting to calm down. The wife began to detect her husband’s attention was
focusing more on work and playing basketball with the guys. He was not doing anything
wrong or breaking any marital vows, but she had become accustomed to a certain level of
attention. She wondered, “What had changed?”
After discussing her concerns with her husband, he said that he didn’t pay much attention to
his changes. He enjoyed playing basketball and hanging out with the fellas; he didn’t think it
was a big deal. His wife assured him that it was not a problem, but she wanted to discuss his
frequent nights out and make sure he wasn’t losing interest in her sex appeal.
Her husband immediately said no, of course not. He said he loved her more today after
three years of marriage than the day he met her. He told her his love for her had grown
and that there was a stronger sense of security within him realizing that this beautiful lady
was his wife. These words warmed her heart; she needed to hear this from him. He hadn’t
told her that before because in his mind, everything was going well. He just wanted to do
something else he enjoyed in his free time. She was not trying to control, smoother or keep
her husband from enjoying other interests that he may have. However, the communication
gap was disconnected only because there were no alarming issues for him that needed to be
addressed.
His wife pointed out that she had recently visited her grandparents, who had been
married for 45 years. During her visit she asked them how they stayed married so
long. Their key to a long-lasting marriage was “to keep the
affection between each other
strong.” They advised her to show affection to each other by giving love,
kindness, warmth, security and a caring attitude. Her grandparents said that they accepted
their vows that were written and spoken 45 years ago with a sincere and serious heart.
The conversations between couples should always be evolving from the beginning of
marriage, to the birth of your first child, to reaching midlife, and toward the empty nest
and retirement phases of marriage. The stories between the two of you that will be
rehashed with one another over the years is worth more than gold. Continue to find
ways to enjoy and love one another.
Strengthening your unity
By Johnnie B. Sanders
Husband and Wife for Life writer/speaker
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
59

60. Lord, be in this marriage,
In a special way
May we feel Your presence
Each and every day.
Grant us both good humor
To surpass our coming years;
May there always be much laughter, May
there always be less tears.
Give us strength and courage
To follow in your will,
To trust You in the valley
As we do upon the hill.
Give us both the eyes of love
So we’ll always see
The goodness in each other,
Secure us Lord, in Thee.
Give us words of kindness, Lord,
Help us both to live
So our lips are ever quick
In saying, “I forgive.”
Give us hearts that beat as one,
Bind us ever near;
May our love grow deeper, Lord,
With each passing year.
Lord, be in our marriage,
Keep our love brand new;
May we love each other, Lord,
The same way that You do.MARRIAGE
60 summer 2013

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summer 2013
61

62. summer is going to be !
By Gil and Brenda Stuart
How would you fill in this blank? This season can bring different reactions from stepparents. What is the
“relationship temperature” in your home? Summer can be a tropical paradise or as cold as the Antarctic.
Believe it or not, you, as the parent, can set the temperature in your home.
There are a myriad of circumstances that will be occurring in stepfamilies this summer. Some kids will get
on a plane to visit their biological parents for six weeks. Other families will welcome a biological kid into
their home for six weeks. There can be a nonstop shuttle between soccer camps, ballet camps and art
classes.
If travel is in your plans, this is a great opportunity for adventure. Travel can be enjoyable, but at the same
time, test our patience. We have heard crazy stories of family trips that were complete disasters, but
nevertheless, offered the most cherished memories. We took a camping trip early in the formation of our
stepfamily. We highly recommend a camping trip because it’s pretty easy for something to go wrong. Here
is an excerpt from Chapter 8 in our book, “Restored and Remarried”:
I (Brenda) had a tent trailer that we decided to take to the Oregon Coast. The kids (all teens
at the time) were excited to get out in the woods. We got to the campground and found
our site. My kids jumped out to help Gil guide the tent trailer into our home for the weekend,
while Gil’s kids ran off to check out where the bathrooms were and discover what there was
to do. My kids were really concerned about backing this trailer in. “Does Gil know how to do
this? Is he going to hit the tree?” Although Gil had done this a million times, and was good
at it, my kids were freaking out. Gil’s kids were oblivious to their concern. They had seen
their dad do this a million times. Moving on…
I appreciate how organized Gil is. He is Mr. Prepared. We got everything settled and had
a wonderful dinner. As we were setting the boys up in tents, Gil asked for help putting up
a tarp over the trailer and the tent. Gil’s kids were ready to help. My kids said: “Why do we
have to do this? It’s not going to rain. This is a waste of time.” Yet they were respectful and
helped.
About 1 or 2 in the morning we heard it. Drip, drip, and then light filled the tents and the
sky roared. Then, you got it … a huge downpour. We woke up and checked to make
sure everyone was staying dry, then went back to bed. In the morning my boys
sheepishly said: “Gee, that was a good idea to put up a tarp. We would have
been soaked! Now we see why you did that, Gil. Thanks.”
MARRIAGE
62 summer 2013

63. We still laugh today at the downpour
that was not supposed to happen. That
was one of the first steps of trust my
guys had with Gil.
With more family time during the summer, you
should look for “on ramps” to your stepchild’s
heart. Move out of your comfort zone, into
their world. I (Brenda) was not familiar with the
skateboarding world. Kyle, Gil’s youngest son, was
really into it. I was looking for that “on ramp” with
Kyle and saw skateboarding as the place. No, I
wasn’t brave enough to take a bowl or try a kick flip,
but I could take photographs. So, I asked Kyle if we
could go to the skate park and if I could do a photo
shoot of him skating. His eyes lit up. I learned a lot
when I intentionally stepped into his world.
The hardest part about making that effort, especially
toward a stepchild who drives you crazy, is to step
out of yourself. (I think that’s why we’re called
stepparents.) As the stepparent, we need to be
the adult and at least make the effort to engage
with our kids. The child, however, sets the pace
of the relationship with the stepparent. You may
take steps to engage and the child will shut you
down. But don’t stop. Instead, adjust your efforts
and be considerate. Remember, whatever the age
of the child when you got married, it usually takes
that same number of years before you have a clear
takeoff toward the “on ramp.”
We highly recommend enforcing the dreaded “Triple
F Night” or Forced Family Fun. This is where all
members of the family (at least in the home) do
an activity together. Have the kids take an active
part in planning the activity, or be really brave and
surprise them. If you have teens, you may get some
resistance; but they’re teens, they are supposed
to act that way! When kids have an opportunity to
hang out and do something fun, they learn a lot,
like how to get along with people who are different
from them, how to develop a healthy respect,
and how to forge a deeper connection because
of a shared experience. And that can build better
communication and increased trust.
So what is ahead for you this summer? Take a deep
breath and set a positive tone. Look for those “on
ramps” with your stepkid/kids and study them. Make
it a goal to learn something new about them and
their heart. Offer adventure and time to just hang
out. Always forward…
Gil and Brenda Stuart live in Vancouver, Wash.
They have seven children between them, all
who are now young adults. Gil is currently an
insurance broker and active in the community
with marriage and family issues. Brenda is
co-founder of Seven Trees Consulting, Inc.
and is also involved with marriage and family
initiatives.
They deliver a fresh style of encouragement to
this ever-growing population in society— the
blended family. Willing to speak the obvious
from their own stepfamily adventure, the
Stuarts share heart to heart as they walk the
walk.
Their Restored and Remarried seminar brings
“dirt under the fingernails” experiences
to equip remarried couples and those
contemplating remarriage.
For more information or to contact the Stuarts,
go to www.restoredandremarried.com or call
(360) 604-2117.
MARRIAGE
summer 2013
63

64. Accept the Challenge!
Join the Movement!
Husband and Wife for Life is a movement meant to
encourage, guide, and inspire couples to overcome
obstacles, and to create and sustain healthy, long-
lasting retps.
the movement
www.husbandandwifeforlife.com