John Burroughs School 2015 Day One

John Burroughs School
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Seattle Girls’ School
Effective Communication:
Cross Cultural Communication, Microaggressions, and
Navigating Ouch Moments
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

About Seattle Girls’ School

Agenda
 Cultural Competency
 Communication Across Culture
 Communication Across Power
 Microaggressions
 Navigating Ouch Moments

Getting the Most Out of Today
Apply Growth Mindset
Ask Questions
Participate Fully
Use Technology to Help You Engage
Visit Website After

Safety versus Comfort
Safety: I feel that, in this space, I can ask questions without
fear of judgment. I can voice my perspective and know that
I will be validated for the fact that that is my truth. Others
may challenge my ideas, but that challenge is in the spirit of
greater shared understanding and growth.
Comfort: I feel that, in this space, my reality will be agreed
with, validated, and unchallenged. I don’t have to explain
myself to be understood, and I don’t have to justify my
perspective, as everyone shares it.
True dialogue happens in an environment where everyone is
safe but not always comfortable...
SO THAT THEY CAN LEARN AND GROW.

Safe Spaces 2.0 – Brave Spaces
 Controversy with Civility
 Own your own intent and impact
 Challenge by choice – with reflection
 Respect in all its multiplicity
 No personal attacks, but pointed
challenges are okay
 Be mindful of the true source of your
emotions

Willingness to Self-Examine
William Taylor’s Reflective Competence Model

Culture [consists] primarily of the
symbolic, ideational, and intangible
aspects of human societies… It is the
values, symbols, interpretations, and
perspectives that distinguish one
people from another.
James A. Banks
What is Culture?

Dimensions of Identity and Culture
This model of identifiers and culture was created by Karen Bradberry and Johnnie Foreman for NAIS Summer Diversity Institute,
adapted from Loden and Rosener’s Workforce America! (1991) and from Diverse Teams at Work, Gardenswartz & Rowe (SHRM 2003).

Cultural Competency
Cultural competence is a set of
congruent behaviors, attitudes and
policies that come together in a
system, institution or individual and
enable that system, institution or
individual to work effectively in cross-
cultural situations.
Terry Cross

The Jones Model of Cultural Competence
Cultural Self-
Awareness
Cultural
Intelligence
Cross-Cultural
Effectiveness
Skills
Countering
Oppression
through
Inclusion

Cultural Competency: Key Elements
Value Orientation
Diversity as Value Added
Respect
Relationships
Equity
Thought Orientation
Knowledge
Awareness
Systems Thinking
Action Orientation
Consciousness Building
Capacity Building
Assessment
Adaptation

 What is it?
 How is it Different from Intercultural
Communication?
 CCC Theories
– Face-Negotiation Theory
– Conversational Constraints Theory
– Expectancy Violation Theory
– Anxiety/Uncertainty Management Theory
– Communication Accommodation Theory
Cross Cultural Communication

Individual - Collectivistic
Low Context - High Context
Task - Relationship
Low Uncertainty - High Uncertainty
Vertical - Horizontal
Dimensions of Variability

 Personality Orientation
 Individual Values
- Allocentric
- Idiocentric
 Self Construal
- Independent
- Interdependent
 Individual Socialization
 Cultural Norms and Rules
Factors that Influence

Discussion: My Style
In hearing about
communication
differences, what would
you describe as your
cultural communication
style? Have you noticed
stark differences
compared to others?

Cultural Values
Norms, and Rules
 Values
 Value Priorities
 Norms of Behavior
 Non-Verbal
Communication

CulturalValueDifferences
RELATIONAL
Individualism
self-reliance, independence
(selfish)
Collectivism
group interdependence
(mindless follower)
Informality
directness, give and take discussion
(rude and abrupt)
Formality
indirectness, protect "face"
(stiff and impersonal)
Competition
individual achievement
(egotistical, show-off)
Cooperation
group achievement
(avoiding doing work or taking responsibility)
AUTHORITY
Egalitarianism
fairness, belief in equal opportunity
(being picky, on a soapbox)
Hierarchy
privilege of status or rank
(power hungry or avoiding accountability)
TEMPORAL
Use of Time
"Time is money"
(doesn’t get the important things in life)
Passage of Time
"Time is for life"
(lazy and irresponsible)
Change/Future
Adaptability ensures survival
(muckraker, stirs up trouble)
Tradition/Past
Stability ensures survival
(old-school, afraid of change)
ACTIVITY
Action orientation
"Make things happen"
(rushes without thinking)
"Being" orientation
"Let things happen"
(indecisive and slow)
Practicality
Efficiency is always best
(impersonal and unscrupulous)
Idealism
Always maintain principles
(naïve and impractical)

Exercise: Non-Verbal Violations
1: Please pick a partner and stand.
2: You and your partner will receive
different instructions for nonverbal
behaviors. Do not share the
information.
3: Begin to converse about your interests
and hobbies.
4: INCREMENTALLY dramatize the
nonverbal behavior.
5: Make note of thoughts or feelings you
experience.

Non-Verbal Violations: Partner 1
You signal respect by standing
physically close to your partner. Stand
Approximately 6 inches away from
your partner. You enjoy asking a lot
of questions to signal conversational
excitement and involvement. You also
like to touch your partner's arm from
time-to-time to signal approval for a
good idea.

Non-Verbal Violations: Partner 2
You signal respect by standing at
least an arm's length away from your
partner. You constantly check your
watch or the clock for fear of running
out of time in the conversation. You
also like to make loud sounds (ahs,
oohs, uh-huhs, sighs, etc.) to signal
your approval and great contentment
of the conversation.

Debrief: Nonverbal Violations
Did the INTENT of your described
behaviors allow you to display
them more enthusiastically?
What was the IMPACT of the
behaviors of your partner?
Did knowing that “odd” behaviors
may be part of the exercise
help you accept your partner’s
behavior?
In working with people from
various communities, what do
you take away from this
exercise?

Break

Identifiers, Power,
and Communication
Internalized Oppression/Dominance
Stereotype Threat
Accumulated Impact/
Microaggressions
Code/Mode Switching
Fish Seeing the Water
“Normal” versus “Good”
“Intent” versus “Impact”

Discussion: Conflict Re-understood
Think about a conflict or interaction which
you now know to be at heart an identity
and power difference. Using some of the
terminology introduced, discuss with a
partner or group of three what was going
on to cause the conflict.

Lunch
until
12:40pm

Process
Process
Check

So What? Now What?

Effective Communication Models
Common Threads
Brenda J. Allen, Difference Matters: Communicating Social Ide
SUPPORTIVE DEFENSIVE
Description Evaluation
Problem-Orientation Control
Spontaneity Strategy
Empathy Neutrality
Equality Superiority
Provisionalism Certainty

Assumptions and Interpretations
• Mental Models
• Ladder of Inference
Belief
Conclusions
Selective Data
Observable Data
• Tools of Action

1. What did you see/hear (raw data)?
2. What are your personal filters (cultural
values, norms, and identifiers)?
3. What was your interpretation of what you
saw/heard (inference)?
4. How did you feel as a result?
5. What do you want?
Checking Assumptions and
Interpretations: Steps to Analyze

Developmental Model of Intercultural
Sensitivity (DMIS) Schematic

1. How do you see materials
from this morning applying
to your roles?
2. What questions do you still
have?
3. What are your personal action
steps?
Discussion:
How Will I Apply All This?

 Microassaults
– Explicit
– Conscious and Deliberate
– Backstage Spaces
 Microinsults
– Hidden
– Often Unknown or Unintended
– Frontstage Spaces
 Microinvalidation
Zooming In: Microaggressions

 Alien in Own Land
 Ascription of Intelligence
 Colorblindness
 Criminality/Assumption of Criminal Status
 Denial of Individual Raciam
 Myth of Meritocracy
 Pathologizing Cultural Values/Styles
 Second-Class Citizen
 Environmental
Microaggressions/Macroaggressions
Racial Microaggressions

Caucus Groups
 Think about your various identities, and which
ones hold much importance to you.
 Which one of your identities do you feel most
moved to advocate for and educate around?
 You will be answering the following prompts:
– What we never want people to say, think, or
do towards our group is…
– What we want you to know about our group
is…
National Coalition Building Institute, Seattle Chapter, “Building Bridges Workshop,” Adapted by Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee

Caucus Groups Formation
 Groups Identified
 Locations Assigned
 Caucus Groups
Meeting Time
 Caucus Group
Report Outs

To Keep in Mind:
 Write down all answers to prompts.
 Think about which items you’d like to
share with the larger group.
 Everyone in the group is invited to stand
together.
 Decide who will share items and how.

Caucus Groups/Locales:
 Women (in room)
 People of Color (outside building)
 Non-Christian (lobby)
 Non-Religious (lobby)
 Working Class/Working Poor (lobby)
– What we never want people to say, think, or do
towards our group is…
– What we want you to know about our group is…

Caucus Groups Work Time
Please document the responses to the following
prompts:
– What we never want people to say, think, or
do towards our group is…
– What we want you to know about our group
is…

Caucus Group Report Outs

Debrief: Caucus Groups
1. What information was new,
informative, moving, etc. to
you?
2. How does this information
change what you will think or
do in the future?
3. What action can you take to
become a better advocate for
yourself?
4. What action can you take to
become a better ally for
others?

Courageous Conversations
in Our Schools and Lives

Debunking Some Myths
 All or None
 Mistakes
 Apologies
 “Tonsils” Theory
 Vulnerability

Growing Through the Ouch
Moment
William Taylor’s Reflective Competence Model

Speaking From the Heart

What We’re Thinking and Feeling
When Receiving the Ouch
Did that really
happen? Do they
realize? I want to
trust, but I’ve had
this happen so
many times before.
I am so stressed,
confused, hurt….

What We End Up Saying
When Receiving the Ouch
That was so
offensive!
I can’t believe
you did that!

Be A DEAR….

Self Advocacy Through the Ouch Moment
 Affirm the person or relationship
 Describe the behavior without judgment
 Explain the emotion/impact and your filters
 Assume positive intent
 Request or suggest different behavior
*** Key Points: timing, I statements, actions not
adjectives, inside feelings not outside feelings***

Self Advocacy Through the Ouch Moment:
An Example
Can I talk with you about something? I really
appreciate having you as a friend. I have so
much fun with you, and I can tell you anything.
Earlier today, when I got my math test back
and I got 98%, I heard you say, “Well of course
you got a 98% - you’re Asian!” I was pretty
hurt when I heard that. I work hard in all my
classes to get good grades, but so many
people assume it’s because of my race. It’s
sad that I don’t get to own my
accomplishments like everyone else. I’m
pretty sure you didn’t mean for me to feel that
way. Can I ask that you please don’t say
things like that anymore?

Practice Round:
Self Advocacy Through the Ouch Moment
 Affirm the person or relationship
 Describe the behavior without judgment
 Explain the emotion/impact and your filters
 Assume positive intent
 Request or suggest different behavior
*** Key Points: timing, I statements, actions not
adjectives, inside feelings not outside feelings***

Being A Witness

What We’re Thinking and Feeling
When Witnessing the Ouch
I can’t believe this
is happening.
That’s SO not
right. Should I
say something?
Am I butting in?
Would it help?
I am so upset!

What We End Up Saying
When Witnessing the Ouch

What Others Hear When We Say Nothing
See? They
agree with me!
I am so right
about this.
No one sees or
understands. I
am alone.

They were born
innocent…

NCBI Effective
Interventions Model
 Reduce Defensiveness
– Tone
– Body Language
– Respect
 Keep the Conversation Going
– Hear Them Out
– Ask Open-Ended Questions
– Set Aside Your Feeling for the Moment
– Dialogue
 Build the Relationship
 Stop the Behavior
 Win an Ally

Say Something to Somebody
 Now or Later (or Say It Now About a Later)
 Target, Agent, Fellow Bystanders, Authority Figures
“In the End, we will remember not the words of
our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Intervening in the Ouch Moment: Examples
 Ask open ended questions
– “He’s acting like a sissy”
– “How’s he acting? And why is that sissy?”
 Find out the experience motivating the comment
– “Why can’t they just speak English around here?”
– “It must be hard not to understand what people are saying around you.”
– “I’m sick of my tuition paying for scholarship students.”
– “Tell me more about that.”
 Use exaggerated humor to highlight what’s going on
(use sparingly)
– “That movie is so gay.”
– “That movie is attracted to other movies? I didn’t know that was possible!”
 Join the person and do not make yourself superior
– “She got that award because she’s black and female.”
– “You know, I hear that a lot. I’ve been trying to figure out why we seem to think when a
black woman gets recognized it must be because of ‘diversity’ stuff rather than that she
earned it.”

Practice Round:
Intervening in the Ouch Moment
 Ask open ended questions
 Find out the experience motivating the comment
 Use exaggerated humor to highlight what’s going
on (use sparingly)
 Join the person and do not make yourself superior

Listening to the Real Message

What Was Said During the Intervention
Those words or
actions are
hurtful to me.
Please stop.

What We Hear During the Intervention
You are a
bad, bad
person, and I
hate you!

What We Should Hear
During the Intervention
You are basically a good
and decent person. As
with all of us, you’ve
made a mistake, and you
may not know how that
mistake is impacting
others. I am going to
give you the gift of
information so that your
intentions and impacts
match up.

It’s a gift…

When You’re Told About
the Ouch Moment You Created
 Listen with full attention
 Don’t try to defend or respond right away
– Take deep breaths
– Acknowledge your feelings
 Your mistakes don’t define you
– Be worthy of their trust and gift
 Prioritize the Impact over Intent
– Apologize for real
*** Moving through these moments with grace is
called shame resilience. It’s a vital skill***

When You’re Told About
the Ouch Moment You Created:
Examples
 “I really appreciate your telling me this.”
 “I’m so embarrassed that I did that.”
 “I’m so sorry my words and actions made you feel
that way. No matter what I intended, it hurt you.”
 “I’m pretty overwhelmed right now, and I don’t
want to respond in a way I’d regret. Do you think
you can help me come up with a better way to
handle that situation after I get into a calmer
place?”
 “I wanted to go back to a moment I don’t think I
handled very well… Can we talk?”

Discussion Round:
When You Were Told About
the Ouch Moment You Created
 Listen with full attention
 Don’t try to defend or respond right away
– Take deep breaths
– Acknowledge your feelings
 Your mistakes don’t define you
– Be worthy of their trust and gift
 Prioritize the Impact over Intent
– Apologize for real

Final Words of Advice:
Recognize Your Triggers

Find Your Bucket People

Practice Makes
Less Heart-Attack-Inducing

If You Messed Up and You Know It,
Don’t Wait for the Intervention –
Just Apologize

If You’re Really Sorry,
Work to Improve

Build Authentic Relationships

Inclusive Communities

Presenter Information
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
6th Faculty and
Professional Outreach
Seattle Girls’ School
2706 S Jackson Street
Seattle WA 98144
(206) 805-6562
rlee@seattlegirlsschool.org
http://tiny.cc/rosettalee

Identity Resources
• Carlos H. Arce, “A Reconsideration of Chicano Culture
and Identity”
• Atkinson, Morten, & Sue, “Racial/Cultural Identity
Development Model (R/CID)”
• Mindy Bingham and Sandy Stryker, “Socioemotional
Development for Girls”
• Vivienne Cass, “Homosexual identity formation: Testing
a theoretical model”
• William Cross, Shades of Black: Diversity in African
American Identity”
• Anthony D’Augelli, “ Identity development and sexual
orientation: Toward a model of lesbian, gay, and
bisexual development”

Identity Resources
• Erik Erikson, “Eight Stages of Man”
• J. E. Helms, Various Publications on Racial and Ethnic
Identity Development
• Jean Kim, “Processes of Asian American Identity
Development”
• James Maricia, “Four Ego and Identity Statuses”
• Suzanne Kobasa Ouellette, “The Three C’s of
Hardiness”
• Jean S. Phinney, “Ethnic Identity in Adolescents and
Adults: Review of the Research”
• Ponterotto & Pederso, Preventing Prejudice
• Maria P. P. Root, Various Works on Multiracial Identity

Identity Resources
• Patricia Romney, Karlene Ferron, and Jennifer Hill,
“Measuring the Success of Diversity Directors in
Independent Schools”
• Pedro Ruiz, “Latino/a Identity Development Model”
• Chalmer E. Thompson and Robert T. Carter, Racial
Identity Theory
• Alex Wilson, “How We Find Ourselves: Identity
Development and Two Spirit People”
• Christine J. Yeh, “The Collectivistic Nature of Identity
Development Among Asian-American College
Students”

Communication Resources
• “Stereotype Threat” by Joshua Aronson
• Brenda J. Allen, Difference Matters: Communicating
Social Identity
• William Gudykunst, Cross-Cultural and Intercultural
Comunication
• Milton Bennett, PhD, Intercultural Communication
Institute www.intercultural.org
• “Non-Verbal Communication Across Cultures” by Erica
Hagen, Intercultural Communication Resources
• Thiagi.com
• Thrive! Team Dynamics
• http://www.analytictech.com/mb021/action_science_
history.htm

Courageous Conversation Resources
• Anti-Defamation League
• Brené Brown
• Cross Cultural Connections
(www.CulturesConnecting.com)
• National Coalition Building Institute
• The People’s Institute
• Stirfry Seminars
• Teaching Tolerance
• The Thiagi Group

Miscellaneous Resources
• Karen Bradberry and Johnnie Foreman, “Privilege and
Power,” Summer Diversity Institute, National Association
of Independent Schools, 2009
• Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, Nurture Shock
• Kevin Jennings, GLSEN (Gay Lesbian and Straight Education
Network) www.glsen.org
• Allan G. Johnson, Privilege, Power, and Difference
• Johnnie McKinley, “Leveling the Playing Field and Raising
African American Students’ Achievement in Twenty-nine
Urban Classrooms,” New Horizons for Learning,
http://www.newhorizons.org/strategies/differentiated/
mckinley.htm
Michael J Nakkula and Eric Toshalis, Understanding Youth.

John Burroughs School 2015 Day One

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