Doc List - an agile coach, trainer, facilitator and speaker - shared this inspiring and valuable talk at our meetup in NYC

1. It's All About Me!
Owning Your Behavior and Your Feelings

2. Why are you
here?
What is it about your work,
your team, your situation
that brought you here?
What do you want to get
out of this session?

3. Instructions
• Get a partner.
• Get an index card each.
• Share your answers to these questions with your partner.
• Write down what your partner says.
• Be prepared to share.
What is it about your work,
your team, your situation that
brought you here?
What do you want to get out
of this session?

4. ShareTime
• Share your partner's
answers.
• Let's get at least 5 - 6.

5. Doc List
Agile Coach, Consultant,
Facilitator, Instructor
Doc@AnotherThought.com
Twitter: @athought
LinkedIn: .../in/doclist
www.AnotherThought.com
512-924-9248
Who am I?

6. It's All About Me!
At least for me it is. How about you?

7. Tell a story
Write down a brief story
about the last time
someone made you angry,
upset, hurt, happy,...
Please decide if you want to
share.

8. ShareTime
If you're willing, please
share your story.

9. Crucial Concepts
It's gonna get interesting now!

10. PartnerTime
Again
What are the facts in your
story?

11. Instructions
• Get a different partner.
• Share your stories.
• Determine the facts versus the
feelings, assumptions, and
interpretations.
What are the facts in your
story?

12. Analyze your stories
If you're willing, please
share your story and
then share what you
determined to be the
facts.

13. Where did that other
stuff come from?
?

14. Crucial Concepts
It's All About Me™
Everything I say and do is
about me. It doesn’t matter if I
talk to you, at you, about you, or
through you. It’s still about me.
The other side of that is that what
I say and do is not about
you, it’s about me.
Doc List

15. the
world

16. the
world

17. You made me angry!
She hurt my feelings.
Why are you so angry?
You disrespected me!Why are you sad?

18. You made me angry!
She hurt my feelings.
Why are you so angry?
You disrespected me!Why are you sad?
Interpretations
Assumptions
Projections

19. Whose feelings are
they?
?

20. This is at the heart of what I believe about how I relate to
the world I live in and the people in that world.
• I believe that I own and am responsible for my behavior.
• I believe that I own and am responsible for my feelings.
• I believe that I can only know you through your behavior and your words.
• I believe that the only interaction we have is through our behavior and words.
• I believe that I cannot know your feelings, your motivation, or your history
(except my experience of your history).
• I believe that while hearing and understanding your motivation/feelings/
history enhances my ability to have a good relationship, it is not necessary in
order for me to have a healthy and happy relationship with you.
Everything else comes from these beliefs. I state them as
beliefs because while they are Real and True for me, I don’t
know that they are for you.

21. Instructions
• Considering the story you shared
before, what did you know versus
what you assumed?
• Were the facts you shared actually
facts?
What are the facts?

22. Did Anything Change?
If you're willing, please
share anything different
about your story, now
that we've talked about
this stuff.

23. So... I'll ask it again:
Where did that other
stuff come from?
?

24. Crucial Conversations
One of my favorite books

25. Before we get into the book...
• Who owns your feelings?
• Who owns your behavior?
• Does the way you say things matter?

26. Crucial Conversations
"Skilled people Start with Heart.That is, they begin
high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they
stay focused no matter what happens."

27. What are the right motives?

28. The three types of conversations that can be held
around a particular issue:
Content (discussing the issue itself),
Pattern (discussing the problem that the issue
keeps recurring), and
Relationship (discussing the fact that the issue
is affecting your overall relationship with the other
person)

29. Content
• Why are you angry?
• I'm not angry!
• Of course you're angry!You're even getting angry
because I'm telling you you're angry.
• I'M NOT ANGRY!!!!!
Content (discussing the issue itself)

30. PartnerTime
Again
Have you had a
conversation like this with a
co-worker?
Content (discussing the issue itself)

31. Pattern
• You keep doing this.
• Doing what?
• Whenever I try to talk to you about the design,
you get angry.
• I'M NOT ANGRY!!!!!
Pattern (discussing the problem that the issue keeps recurring)

32. Relationship
• Given what you've experienced so far, what would
a relationship conversation sound like.
• Take the card from the last exercise. Rewrite it as
a relationship conversation.
• Share?
Relationship (discussing the fact that the issue is affecting your
overall relationship with the other person)

33. STATE My Path—A set of
skills that help you share difficult
feedback or risky meaning.
STATE stands for Share your
facts, Tell your story, Ask for
others’ paths, Talk tentatively, and
Encourage testing.

34. • Go back to the first story you
shared at the beginning of the
workshop.
• Rewrite it following the
STATE pattern.
• It doesn't have to be perfect,
just imagine that you could
rewrite both sides, starting
with yourself.What would
that sound like?
STATE My Path—A
set of skills that help
you share difficult
feedback or risky
meaning. STATE
stands for Share
your facts,Tell your
story,Ask for others’
paths,Talk tentatively,
and Encourage
testing.

35. I need a volunteer

36. AMPP—A set of “power
listening” skills that help build
safety and encourage the other
person to share his or her
meaning.AMPP stands for Ask,
Mirror, Paraphrase, and
Prime.

37. What will you do differently
tomorrow?

38. Doc List
Agile Coach, Consultant,
Facilitator, Instructor
Doc@AnotherThought.com
Twitter: @athought
LinkedIn: .../in/doclist
www.AnotherThought.com
512-924-9248