Husband and Wives Ephesians 5

Husbands and Wives
The marriage relationship between men and
women: what we can learn from Ephesians 5.
Ptr./Dr. JF Smith
Faith Missionary Church & Bible Institute
Gruetli-Laager, TN, USA
jerryfranksmith@gmail.com

Ephesians 5:22-33
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto
your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the
wife, even as Christ is the head of the
church: and he is the saviour of the
body.
24 Therefore as the church is subject
unto Christ, so let the wives be to
their own husbands in every thing.
25 Husbands, love your wives, even
as Christ also loved the church, and
gave himself for it;
26 That he might sanctify and
cleanse it with the washing of water
by the word,
27 That he might present it to himself
a glorious church, not having spot, or
wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it
should be holy and without blemish.

Ephesians 5:22-33
28 So ought men to love their wives
as their own bodies. He that loveth
his wife loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his
own flesh; but nourisheth and
cherisheth it, even as the Lord the
church:
30 For we are members of his body,
of his flesh, and of his bones.
31 For this cause shall a man leave
his father and mother, and shall be
joined unto his wife, and they two
shall be one flesh.
32 This is a great mystery: but I
speak concerning Christ and the
church.
33 Nevertheless let every one of you
in particular so love his wife even as
himself; and the wife see that she
reverence her husband.

Marriage is a blessing
One blessing of marriage is growing more
into the image of Christ (v23, 24, 25, 29, 32).
But, there are growing pains!

GOD, our Designer,
tells us in His Word
how to ease the pain and
have a mutually-edifying relationship and
a God-glorifying marriage

How can we have healthier relationships one
with another and God-glorifying marriages?
GOD tells us in Ephesians 5

Young women / unmarried women
You can use this as a guide to evaluate your
future husband.

Young men / unmarried men
You can use this as a guide to evaluate
yourself and your attitudes toward the
woman and marriage.

Men and women are different
Our brains are wired differently.1
Neuroconnectors / Neuroconnections
1. Gugnor, Mark (2009). Mark Gungor: Tale of Two Brains. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=814eR5K7KD8&t=11s

Compartmentalized-Linear thinking (men)
That’s why a family visit to work for a man is a
collision of worlds!
Wife Children Work Sports Etc.
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Etc.

Non-linear (lateral/holistic) thinking (women)
Women are much better multi-taskers!

These are only generalities!
Not every man is identical, and not every
woman is exactly as those described here.
However, there are certain aspects of men
and women that are hard to deny.

E.g. Buying shoes at the mall
Men: In and out!
Women:
● Check out everything
● Bring friends
● A social occasion
● Can be all day!

E.g. Around the house
Men: focused; one box1
Women: multitasking

How can men and women communicate
better?
► Men, stop what you are doing,1
face her
► Women, get his attention FIRST,1
then speak
1. Gugnor, Mark (2009). Mark Gungor: Tale of Two Brains. Retrieved
from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=814eR5K7KD8&t=11s

E.g. Getting lost1
Men: will not ask
directions
Women: will ask for
directions

E.g. How was your day?
Men: Okay… [just the facts]
Women: Want details!1
Oh, it was very interesting. I met
Betty at the market and we talked
about … then as I was going home
I saw Jona and we talked for a few
minutes … etc., etc.,etc.

How can men and women communicate
better?
► Men, understand that she wants to share in your
world
► Women, understand that he is not concerned with
details

E.g. Problems
Men: Quiet and isolated
Women: Talk it out!

E.g. Movies1
Men:
Action-Adventure.
Hoo-hoo!... Kill-em!!.. Oh ya!!
Women:
Love stories.
Uhh-huhuh!!... He really loves her!

Women GIVE, Men TAKE
E.g. Women cook, men eat!

E.g. Women give up money, men buy!

E.g. Their hearts to men...

Women love to give compliments to each
other, men insult each other1
You look great!
Ang ganda
naman ang
dress mo!
Man, your head looks
like a cue ball!Dumapa
ka?
Eh di,
gulong-
gulong
ka...
hahahaha!
1. Gugnor, Mark (2009). Mark Gungor: Tale of Two Brains. Retrieved from:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=814eR5K7KD8&t=11s

Men, like hunters, know how to catch their
prey
It comes natural to them!

And he is not thinking the same as a
woman...
Gugnor, Mark (2009). Mark Gungor: Tale of Two Brains. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=814eR5K7KD8&t=11s

So, women have certain power over a man
► Just think of Adam and Eve
► Adam took the fruit while he
was near Eve.
Genesis 3:6 ...she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and
gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

Women have certain power over a man
► Just think Samson and Delilah
► Samson revealed his weakness.
► Because Delilah wouldn’t stop
talking about it.
Judges 16:16 And it came to pass, when she
pressed him daily with her words, and
urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto
death

Women have certain power over a man
► Just think David and
Bathsheba
► Bathsheba was naked
on a rooftop.
2 Samuel 11:2 ...from the roof he saw a woman washing
herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon

Btw, women, if you reveal too much, you will get
just about any man
► But, is that the kind of man
you really want?
► Is that how you want a man
to want you?

Christian women are commanded to show
modesty in attire
1 Timothy 2:9 ...that women adorn themselves in
modest apparel, with shamefacedness and
sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or
costly array;
(See also: Romans 12:2, 14:21; 1 Timothy 4:12, Proverbs
7:10, Matthew 5:28, 18:6-10…)

Beauty fades...
1 Peter 1:24 For all flesh is as grass, and all the glory of
man as the flower of grass. The grass withereth, and the
flower thereof falleth away:

The Lord tells us not to put too much
emphasis on the outer...
1 Peter 3:4
But let it be the hidden man of the heart,
in that which is not corruptible, even the
ornament of a meek and quiet spirit,
which is in the sight of God of great price.

...but, on the inner.
Proverbs 31:30
Favour is deceitful, and beauty is
vain: but a woman that feareth the
LORD, she shall be praised.

Women are relationship-oriented

Men know how to hook a woman
► They have studied this
phenomena!
► They know what to say.
► They know what to do.
► They know how to hook a
woman’s heart!
• Esp., a young woman / girl
• Be careful on Facebook!

Men know how to hook a woman
E.g. I love you…
E.g. You are so beautiful…
E.g. You are more special to
me than anyone else...
E.g. I’m gonna marry you...

Famous lie...
Sige na. I-kakasal naman tayo eh!

Young/Unmarried women, be careful...
If you give the
man what he
wants before
marriage, this
could happen to
you.

Or this...
Senseless death
of millions of
unborn children
every year

In 2014, 652,639 legal induced abortions were reported to
CDC from 49 reporting areas. The abortion rate for 2014 was
12.1 abortions per 1,000 women aged 15–44years, and the
abortion ratio was 186 abortions per 1,000 live births.
https://www.cdc.gov/reproductivehealth/data_stats/abortion.htm

Watch him…, get to know him...
Do not give your heart
away without knowing
Do not give your body
away before marriage

Men...
You have a responsibility to your sister in the
Lord not to stir up or awaken love in the
woman until you are ready to commit.
Women, make sure the man is ready for you...
Proverbs 24:27
Prepare thy work without, and make it fit for thyself in the
field; and afterwards build thine house.

Women, take time to know the man.
1 John 4:1 Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try
the spirits whether they are of God...
Romans 12:2 ...prove what is that good, and
acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
Ephesians 5:10 ...Proving what is acceptable unto the
Lord.
GOD teaches us to think, in His Word

But, please do not look for Superman
We are all imperfect men.

Look for a real man
Look for a godly man: one who fears the Lord

A blessing of marriage is maturation and
growth into the image of Christ

Ephesians 5
v23 ...even as Christ is the head of the church
v24 ...as the church is subject unto Christ
v25 ...even as Christ loved the church, and gave himself for it
v29 ...even as the Lord the church
v32 ...concerning Christ and the church
But, it ain’t easy!

Some husbands think the answer is:
Wives, submit!

But FIRST, some context for that statement:

Ephesians 5:1-21
1 Be ye therefore followers of God,
as dear children;
2 And walk in love, as Christ also
hath loved us, and hath given himself
for us an offering and a sacrifice to
God for a sweetsmelling savour.
3 But fornication, and all
uncleanness, or covetousness, let it
not be once named among you, as
becometh saints;
4 Neither filthiness, nor foolish
talking, nor jesting, which are not
convenient: but rather giving of
thanks.
5 For this ye know, that no
whoremonger, nor unclean person,
nor covetous man, who is an idolater,
hath any inheritance in the kingdom
of Christ and of God.
6 Let no man deceive you with vain
words: for because of these things
cometh the wrath of God upon the
children of disobedience.

Ephesians 5:1-21
7 Be not ye therefore partakers with
them.
8 For ye were sometimes darkness,
but now are ye light in the Lord: walk
as children of light:
9 (For the fruit of the Spirit is in all
goodness and righteousness and
truth;)
10 Proving what is acceptable unto
the Lord.
11 And have no fellowship with the
unfruitful works of darkness, but
rather reprove them.
12 For it is a shame even to speak of
those things which are done of them
in secret.

Ephesians 5:1-21
13 But all things that are reproved are
made manifest by the light: for
whatsoever doth make manifest is
light.
14 Wherefore he saith, Awake thou
that sleepest, and arise from the
dead, and Christ shall give thee light.
15 See then that ye walk
circumspectly, not as fools, but as
wise,
16 Redeeming the time, because the
days are evil.
17 Wherefore be ye not unwise, but
understanding what the will of the
Lord is.
18 And be not drunk with wine,
wherein is excess; but be filled with
the Spirit;

Ephesians 5:1-21
19 Speaking to yourselves in
psalms and hymns and spiritual
songs, singing and making melody
in your heart to the Lord;
20 Giving thanks always for all
things unto God and the Father in the
name of our Lord Jesus Christ;
21 Submitting yourselves one to
another in the fear of God.
THEN…
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto
your own husbands, as unto the
Lord…

Submit
Perhaps the most difficult to do for a woman
So, she needs more grace...
She needs the man to be the man GOD made
She needs the man of Ephesians 5:1-21 & 23-33
So, we have to start with the man...

HUSBANDS
ONE Command:
● LOVE your wife (v25)
FOUR Inferences (From Christ and the church):
● Sacrifice (v25)
● Sanctify (v26-27)
● Nourish [provide for : security] (v28-29)
● Cherish [safety : security] (v28-29)

Loving is not easy for a man
Husbands have to be commanded to LOVE
their wives, because it not easy or natural for
us.
Ever wonder why men typically dislike
romantic movies?

One command (“love”), three points
1. Sacrificial Love
2. Sanctifying Love
3. Secure Love

1. Sacrificial Love (v25)
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ
also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

Sacrificial Love
• Christ gave Himself for the church
• Dying does not mean only die for your wife,
but to die to self (Mt 16:24, Ga 2:20, Ph 2:3)
• Sacrifice what YOU want for what SHE needs

Sometimes you want something, but she
needs something

2. Sanctifying Love (v26-27)
26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with
the washing of water by the word,
27 That he might present it to himself a glorious
church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such
thing; but that it should be holy and without
blemish.

Sanctifying Love
• She is supposed to be a better person and a
better Christian because she is married to you
• Your love lifts her up NOT drags her down
• You lead her in right paths
• By the Word (in the Lord)

“...a glorious church” (v 27)
E.g. Proverbs 31 tells us a lot about a great
woman.
A man should be helping his wife become
this woman.

“...holy and without blemish” (v28)
3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the
hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not
corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the
sight of God of great price.
5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted
in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own
husbands
Inner beauty (1 Peter 3:4)

“...holy and without blemish” (v 28)
A man should patiently help his wife become
this woman.
• “In meekness instructing…” (2 Ti 2:25)
• “But we were gentle among you…” (1 Th
2:7)

3. Secure Love (v28-29)
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own
bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but
nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the
church:

“...as Christ...”
“...he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee” (He 13:5).
“...lo, I am with you alway…” (Mt 28:20).
“...I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee” (Jos 1:5)
“...he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will
joy over thee with singing (Zep 3:17).
The man should be seeking the image of Christ

What a beautiful song of love!
I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee...
and lo, I am with you alway...
I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee...
I rejoice over thee with joy and l joy over thee with
singing.
It’s Christ’s love song for us!

Secure Love
• It’s okay for her to have a bad hair day sometimes
• It’s okay if she burns the fish sometimes
• It’s okay if she’s overweight or has stretch marks, etc.
• Don’t make her feel insecure by talking about other women.
There is no fear in love (1 John 4:18)

Husbands, NOURISH and CHERISH your
wives (v28-29)
Nourish = to feed (physical needs)
● Food, shelter, protection, necessities, ...
Cherish = to warm (emotional needs)
● Be warmed by your love, compassion,
consideration

“...nourish and cherish” (v29)
“...feed my sheep” (Joh 21:16).
“...feed the flock of God which is among you, taking
the oversight thereof… (1 Pe 5:2).
A more abundant life (Joh 10:10).

“...as his own flesh” (vv 28-29)
Men…
When you are tired you rest
When you want something, you get it
When you want something, you buy it
What about your wife?

“...as his own flesh” (vv 28-29)
• Maybe your wife would like a mani-pedi
• A hair rebond
• An appliance for the house to help her do
HER work more efficiently

As his own flesh
• Men, you have a responsibility to take care
of yourself …
• So that you can take better care of your wife
and family!

Housewife
• She is NOT just a housewife
• She is a HOUSEWIFE
– Budgets, daycare, school teacher, chef, cleaner,
nurse, doctor, food gatherer, and more

a secure love...
• Love is an act of worship for the man (v25)
• She wants to know that she’s loved
• Give her your devotion

Flirt with HER only
Not co-workers
Not neighbors
Not friends
Definitely not a stranger!

be aware...
Feelings of love do not last long
● Women tend to go by their feelings
● So, she needs constant reinforcement

A woman needs constant reminders that
she is loved
● a hug
● a text
● a flower
● a chocolate
● a compliment
● do the dishes
Not just once or twice a year.

Men: Women want to FEEL your love
Give HER your affection
Your attention
Your devotion
Instead of your car, your hobby, your friends, your
sports . . .
And she will respond to you.

Sometimes we treat others in the church more
kindly than our own wives and husbands
We forget that we are first brethren… (v21)
Second, we are spouses (v22).

Husbands, LEAD your wives
v23 For the husband is the head of the wife,
even as Christ is the head of the church: and he
is the saviour of the body.

But, men, there is a difference between BOSS
and LEADER go vs. let’s go

Lead your wife (23-24)
You are the leader!
She will follow a man who she knows loves her
Life would be so much easier and enjoyable at home if we
would listen to GOD and obey His commands for husbands
and wives.

Are you under your wife?
That is not GOD’s plan
In that situation, the Christian wife may need to step
back and help the man to be the leader

“...leave his father and mother, and shall be
joined unto his wife...” (v31)
Leave and cleave
Leave = loyalty to her FIRST
Cleave = unity with HER
NOT momma
NOT old friends

Husbands LEAVE and CLEAVE
• Your relationship is the highest human
relationship
– The wife and family are his FIRST ministry!

Faithful servant
Matthew 25:21
His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful
servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will
make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of
thy lord.
1 Timothy 5:8
But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his
own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel
(c/w 2 Ti 3:5, Ti 1:16).

Sometimes, we as men (and also women)
emphasize one over the other
• One spouse abroad: A lot of money, but two lonely spouses
• Family always at church, but no time for each other
• Focus on ministry, but neglecting the family
Balance is a good thing!

There is UNITY between you
Unity of faith
Practice
Decisions
Expenses

What does a woman want?
1 Security
► To feel safe in a man’s love
► She needs to KNOW that she is loved (a hug, a kiss, an
unexpected gift, a comment, a text, …)
► This is why it hurts a wife so deeply when her husband
cheats on her… (it is an offense against her security)

Btw, Genesis 2:24 One flesh
1 Corinthians 6:18
...Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that
committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
Therefore, if the man and wife have become one flesh (one
body through intimacy). . .
Fornication becomes adultery : sinning against the one
flesh.
Which is why it is so painful and damaging to a marriage.

Men are more visually-stimulated than women
So, GOD says:
1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee fornication...
And sisters, please do not give
brethren a reason to look twice.
Do not put a stumblingblock before
them (Ro 14:13, 1 Co 8:9, Ga 5:13).

2 Protection
Physical
• From harm
- The idea of the macho guy
Spiritual
• From bad doctrine
- The woman was first deceived
Emotional
• From heartbreak

3 Provision
• The man to provide for
the family
• Things she NEEDS to do
her part (e.g. stove,
washing machine, plates,
tablet pc, etc.)
A HOME
• Not just a house
• An environment
offering affection and
security

WIVES
Two commands:
1. Submit...
2. Reverence...

Ephesians 5:22
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands,
as unto the Lord.
Ephesians 5:33
...and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

Submit (yield) to your husbands in the Lord
(v22)
► An act of worship
► God’s divine order
► Make your husband feel as if he is the head of your family
► Ask him first before asking / listening to other men
– NOT an excuse for the husband to dominate his wife!

“...is subject to” (v24)
Therefore as the church is subject unto
Christ, so let the wives be to their own
husbands in every thing.

...in the Lord
► Assumes two Christians
► To the unsaved husband, it is different and
much more difficult
► BUT, we ought to obey God rather than man
(Acts 5:29)
● The exception, not the rule

Wives, REVERENCE your husbands (v33)
► Reverence = a deep, profound respect for
► Men want respect more than love!
► Do not shame (embarrass) him
► He wants to be... he needs to be valued

Make him feel like Superman!
And he will want to BE Superman!

Make him feel like a hero!
How?
• I know you can repair that…
• You did a great job on that…
• I am proud of you because _____.
• What you said was right…
• I learned ____ from you.

Conclusion of the matter
► Men and women are different
► So GOD gave us instructions how to have right
relationships
● And, if we follow them, our relationships will improve
● But it is a challenge!
► Marriage is another way for a spiritually healthy, Christian
couple to be conformed to the image of Christ

To be conformed to the image of Christ is
how we can worship God in marriage
WOMEN:
Through submission and reverence to your own
husband
MEN:
Through loving, cherishing, devotion to, and care for
your own wife.

“As Christ the church”
Everything in your marriage should be
revolving around the example that Christ
has given us with the church.

THE END
Next:
GOD’s Order
for
The Local Church Family

Some examples or ideas about male-female
relationships in this presentation were
borrowed from Mark Gugnor.
Some good YouTube videos:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=814eR5K7KD8&t=11s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUNaZinoH_0&t=20s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iDxAzoAeaQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9BJ7I33dqs&t=2s

Another great resource on this subject:
Gray, John (1992). Men are from Mars,
Women are from Venus. Harper Collins, New
York.

And another great resource on the subject:
Chapman, Gary (1995). The 5 Love
Languages. Northfield Publishing.

The BEST resource on this subject

Husband and Wives Ephesians 5

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